90 Days of Journal

[info-gatherer]

Hello everyone. I am a 23 years old, middle-class white male and I come from Italy. I have a serious gaming addiction. I want to tell my story. Yesterday I started my 90 days detox. I introduced myself to the community with this post on the StopGaming's subreddit. I'm here to share my ongoing experiences.

Day 1

Yesterday I did a lot of things that I would normally not do if I spent the whole day gaming. Although I didn't engage in any particularly stimulating activitiy, I felt I was enjoying even the less appealing tasks. This is what I did: I went to the doctor and sit in the waiting room for 2 hours, without an appointment. There was a bunch of old people talking shit about government, social and medical issues. I just sit there and listened to them. You may not believe me, but I thought that I was very lucky to be there, near other human beings, hearing what they said, instead of being closed in my room. I also felt responsible for going to the doctor, as I should have before. After the first 40 minutes, I got a book out of my backpack and started studying. I didn't feel distracted. I studied for an hour. Finally the doctor visited me. After that, I went buying some new jeans. All my trousers are ruined and full of holes. For 2-3 months I wanted to buy some new pair but I didn't find the time to do it, the urge of gaming was too strong. I then passed a little shop while walking back to my car. I remembered that many years ago I bought a sandwich in there with a very tasty kind of meat I've never found anywhere else. I remembered its name (Cecina de Leon), so I asked the owner about it. He explained me that it's a quality of iberic bresaola, very difficult to find. In fact, he didn't have any in stock, but he made me a sandwich with another kind of meat that I had never tried. Not as good as the Cecina, but quite tasty. At dinner, instead of eating as fast as possible and running to my pc, I talked with my family. In the evening I watched a movie, Days of heaven by Terrence Malick. At first I thought I didn't like it, but the scene of the locusts was glorious. Overall 6,5/10. Well, this is what I did. It may not be anything special, but I didn't game, nor watch any streams or websites gaming-related. I had trouble sleeping, I kept thinking about my decision to do this detox. I never questioned it or wished to back out, but I was obsessed. I wished it was already over, I wished i could already be free from the cravings. I fell asleep at 2.30 AM.

Hope this one wasn't too boring. I know, it's just standard everyday activities everyone carries out. But I'm very proud of the way I spent my day instead of playing 15 games of LoL. Later I'll probably come back and write something about my hobbies. Thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a comment.

[Jay V]

Welcome!

Organize your time, one activity at a time, one hour at a time. You should be proud of taking this decision. 

Cravings are just normal at the beginning, think that 15 games are now 15 chances of productivity doing things you always wanted to do. 

[Hitaru]

4 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

Cecina de Leon

Ahá, great stuff indeed!

Your intro is pretty intense, I still haven't gone completely through it. For now know that we know your struggles and we have your back. Welcome to the forums!

[Cam Adair]

Welcome!!

[info-gatherer]

Thank you guys. You're awesome. I could never do this without your support.

Day 2

Stayed home the whole day. I cooked for my little brother, which usually likes my cooking, but I guess that today I made a bit of a mess and my recipe was... charcoal-tasting? Spent the whole afternoon translating a poem from italian to english and launching a little project on the StopGaming boards. I don't translate often and it felt very good doing it. No cravings for gaming at all. Still a bit worried for when I'm moving back to the other city I live in ("university city").

Edited January 23, 2018 by info-gatherer

[Guest]

Welcome to the forums!  Are you fluent in Italian?

[info-gatherer]

Hey  Italian is my main language

EDIT:

Day 3

I just woke up and went to check this site and Reddit. I didn’t participate to forum and online communities in years (not even Facebook, which I deactivated two years ago) so the fact I have this strong urge to check my notifications feels unhealthy for me. I want to check if someone messaged me, answered a post, commented on a post I also commented... you sure quitting games doesn’t cause internet addiction? Because picking up the phone and going online as the first thing I do in the morning is really not me and makes me feel dumb and slow (not figuratively: it gives me a little headache and dumbs my sensations).

Edited January 24, 2018 by info-gatherer

[info-gatherer]

Still Day 3

Topic: Anger (and gaming ofc)

This morning I went to the dentist. I need to pull out one of my tooth. As soon as I arrived, the secretary told me the steps that I had to follow: 1) clean my teeth with an assistant of the dentist 2) being visited by the dentist. I did step 1 and everything ran smoothly. After that, since the dentist was half an hour late, I went home to pick up a couple x-ray scans of my teeth that I thought could be useful for the dentist. While I was driving back to the dentist, my GF called me and told me a thing that made me upset. I arrived to the dentist 5 minutes late bc i couldn't find a place to park my car. The secretary told me that the dentist was now very busy and could not receive me. She told me to come back in the afternoon. That made me even more upset. I told her that I wasn't coming back in the afternoon, neither ever again. I was polite but firm. I felt angry because of what my GF told me and the fact that the dentist, which was 30 min late, declined to see me for being 5 min late. I was maybe too much impulsive. Anyway, the point is that I felt the need to check some articles or streamings about LoL to quench my anger. I immediatly recognised an unhealthy pattern: I'm angry -> I need to game. I didn't game, nor check any articles, streams, etc. I will not have any of this until the end of this detox, as I promised to myself. Now I ask myself how the hell am I gonna deal with my tooth

[Guest]

That's cool  I'm a little fluent in another language. It's actually my first language but I did forget a good bit. I think you should make it a point to get ready in the morning before you look at your phone, once you're on a roll your urge should decrease.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Guest

[info-gatherer]

Yes, that’s exactly what I will be doing. Thank you for the advice!

What is the language you’re fluent in?

[Guest]

My pleasure I am fluent in a variation of Hindi :3

Edited January 25, 2018 by Guest

[J(e)RK]

As boring and mediocre as some things may seem, you feel excited by them. This is what video games deprived you of for so long, and this is why it's worth it to quit them forever. I remember back when I used to think of myself as somewhat impervious, even while playing video games, and now I see exactly what was wrong in that just like lots of people get deprived of sleep, those of us who have been addicted to video games have been deprived of life. Of the simply pleasures. I think it's important to write in a journal like this because not only does it force you to reflect, but it also helps you appreciate what you have done. Good for you standing up to that dentist, because you can't let people treat you like that. On the other side of that coin, I imagine that there is somebody who either had an appointment and got in early, or someone who didn't have an appointment and managed to squeeze in because of that dentists stupid practice. I would think that they would at least wait like 10 minutes, since after all, dentist appointments aren't cheap. Either way, the point is that for each person wronged, another person gets their way due to it.

Oh, and because it seems to be pertinent on this page, I am not fluent in anything besides English, although I like to think I may be a tad above average in my English abilities. I am also studying Spanish, but that is mainly because I need to for school.

[info-gatherer]

Thank you J(e)RK. I think that I’m enjoying more everyday’s life since I stopped gaming and checking gaming websites. I’ll keep walking this path.

Day 4

I think it’s come time to think about goals. Bear’s journal was very inspiring on this subject. I am going to take care of something I tried very hard to fix in the past years, without success: my sleep schedule. My goal is to wake up every day at the exact same hour, and go to bed at approximately the same hour every night. I’m gonna engage in a step by step process. This morning I woke up at 9, which is quite early for my standards. Yesterday I woke up at 9 too, because of the dentist. So my goal for tomorrow is:

GOAL

Waking up at 9.00, getting out of bed as soon as the clock rings. Having breakfast. Having a shower and being dressed by 9.30.

If I manage to do this, I’ll make it a long-term goal.

I’ll come back here in a few hours and write something more.

EDIT:

After just 10 minutes of study I fell asleep on the floor, at 5 PM, and woke up at dinner time, 8.20 PM. I feel very strange and confused. I never sleep in the afternoon, nor on the floor. I feel slightly depressed and demotivated. But I know I must stay strong.

Edited January 25, 2018 by info-gatherer

[SirDylanRice]

You can do it! I feel you brother. What are you doing to change you states? you know like walks,park,bike ride, meet up friends.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2018 by SirDylanRice

[info-gatherer]

9 hours ago, SirDylanRice said:

You can do it! I feel you brother. What are you doing to change you states? you know like walks,park,bike ride, meet up friends.

 

 

Hey  Last 2 weeks I barely got out of parents’ home bc I didn’t feel well. I’m almost completely recovered now and Monday I’m going back to university city. I don’t do sports, except some months ago I started to play tennis once a week. Stopped for the christmas holidays and didn’t start again yet. Being a very hard smoker, sport is difficult for me. I’m thinking about pairing tennis with some kind of meditation or yoga, once a week as well, provided that the teacher won’t try to fill my head with new-age ideology I think I will stick with it.

Day 5

Goal more or less met. Woke up at 9 sharp. Except, I didn’t do much with my time after that. Had breakfast, then lurked stopgaming subreddit (I know, I know...) then played the guitar for an hour. Didn’t start studying yet. I’m going to start now (past 11 AM here).

[SirDylanRice]

Nice bro, have you tried meditation yet? Its powerful and it actually grows the front part of your brain which is self control/willpower. 5-10 minutes a day. lol i go to yoga/ mediation chants. They normally just helpful in all my experiences i go to yoga and give out free hugs to everyone . If the spiritual side makes you feel werid i feel you i know,It just makes it more powerful-see the core of it the roots instead of the thousands of leaves, and youll be to busy doing yoga they normally help out with the posses so you dont hurt yourself and with my experience every teachers been cool. Seriously tho fuck stereotypes and labels. Try it vibe with it if you dont like then okay. I find it feels like my birthday afterwards everytime i do it. I love the ladies and overall its refreshing, they all smile(always thank the teacher)<3

I just got up its 4:30 went on a walk while listening to some affirmations I recorded and then i have a routine the top 1% do for my first hour/ 90 minutes that take care of mu human needs and is like rocket fuel for the day. Off to take a cold shower learning my main role models do it. They obviously got  a map for success. Adding exercise will do you wonders, theirs an app called the 7 minute workout maybe check ti out many lvls and it can easily help you transition into working out slowly. Keep it up man!

[info-gatherer]

What’s the thing with the cold shower? Looks like everybody in this forum has cold showers  Btw yes I’ll try yoga, there is a state-funded org that offers sessions almost for free in uni city. I’ll let you know how it goes

Day 5 (actually 6 since it’s past midnight)

Not a day to remember. I finally start to get bored staying at my parents’ home. Yes, I will miss the comfort (decent heathing system, good food, private spaces, shared meals with human interaction) but it’s time to go back to uni city and seriously work on my exams (and meet my gf; really miss her). In uni city I live in a shared flat with some other people. A guy from Egypt, a girl from Japan and a fellow italian girl. I shared many flats with a lot of different people in the past 5 years. Sometimes it went very bad, sometimes very good. This time, in between. I don’t have almost any contact with them, we share the very occasional chat in the kitchen but most of the time we live our separate lives and don’t talk to each other. No hard feelings, just indifference. My flatmates told me they’re setting up an internet connection. We hadn’t one before. I feel ok, didn’t get scared at all by the news. I’m very positive I’m not going to relapse until detox is over. Instead, I see it as an opportunity. Being a BIG FAN of art house movies I will finally have the chance to try and join those (in)famous “private trackers” and do some illegal torrenting. My goal is to eventually manage to join Karagarga, which is a pretty obscure website and very difficult to access that supposedly hosts the biggest library of art house movies in the world (like the whole world). I’ll have to start with trackers that are easier to join and then try to hop somehow to KG. It will take some months, but (I hope) little effort: just leave the pc on and seed stuff, preferably 24/7. If it’ll take too much time and resources I guess I’ll just let it go, but I want to give it a shot and see how it goes. Speaking of movies, I just finished to watch Der siebsten kontinent by Michael Haneke, which I found emotionally devastating but also thought-provoking. Seeing the total wreckage of institutions like family, work and modern society that Haneke managed to depict so well in his first movie I’m even more incited to make some lasting changes in my life and save myself from the “evil” that roots in this world. I don’t wanna end like the protagonists of the movie.

Anyway, now I’m going to bed bc I don’t wanna miss on the 9AM clock. Even accounting for different timezones you’ll probably read this tomorrow in the morning so... Good morning. Have a nice day

[info-gatherer]

Day 6

Went out with my sister, a friend of mine and a friend of her for a walk to the seaside (my sister organized it). We had some relaxing chat and played baseball with a stick and some pebbles. We’re going out again in the evening and eat japanese food, which I love. Pleasant and chill day.

I made a short list of some books I’d like to read in the evening instead of watching streams. What happened to me is (not so) weird: since I became a philosophy & literature student, I started reading much less. You know, it’s not as funny when you HAVE to do it basically as a full-time job. Reading was my main passion when I was younger, and it always felt like relax, never work. With university, things changed. Ofc I still read a lot, but not as much as before. And most importantly, I enjoy it much less. Anyway, I did the list. It’s better than gaming and helps in building my future. 

This is probably all for today. Love you guys 

 

 

 

[info-gatherer]

Day 7

Today is a hard day. I feel guilty. I woke up at the usual 9 o’clock for the 4th or 5th day in a row. I’m proud of this goal and I look forward to turning it into a permanent rewiring of my “biological clock”. But here are the bad news: I still waste my time. All my time. Today I watched TV. That’s everything I did since I woke up. I didn’t watch TV for years, but this week I did. Looks like staying away from videogames is not enough. Tomorrow I’m going back to university city. I’m pretty sure that this means the end of my long days of apathy. Now I’m going to print the Respawn guide, which I bought last week and didn’t read yet. I’ll bring it with me. After that I’ll try to find a meaning for this day. I’ll take a walk or go visit my grandparents or some other stuff. Thank you for reading.

EDIT: I have something to add. At lunch, my parents said that they noticed I have “changed”. I wake up early every day. My little brother, with whom I share my room, added that I don’t play games anymore. He noticed first because I used to wake him almost every night, since I played until late. Now he can sleep soundly every night, without having to worry about his 23yo addict brother that is wasting his life.

Edited January 28, 2018 by info-gatherer

[info-gatherer]

Day 7, evening

Topic: looking forward

This afternoon I started reading the Respawn guide and decided to delete all my gaming accounts, as recommended at the end of chapter 2.

I already:

-Sent a ticket to delete my LoL accounts, my main offender; hope they answer soon

-“Deleted” Steam with TF2 and Skyrim

Then had dinner and went visiting my uncle. He lent me his guitar, which I’m bringing to uni city tomorrow. I had dinner. Now I am going to:

-Delete my Hearthstone account

-Delete my Mobile Legends account

-I can’t delete my WoW account since I share it with another person, but I didn’t use it for years and I don’t know the password anymore

Deleting lol acc was expecially though, I kept thinking:

1 omg what if I change my mind

2 I’m losing everything I built in the last years

3 (this one helped me a lot going through it) well, if I ever relapse, at least I’m gonna try a new game

4 omg what if I change my mind

5 omg omg

6 omg

7 Selling it would be a better choice

But I’m happy about my decision. I made a choice in my life and I’m sticking to it.

It’s been 1 whole week not only without gaming (which is not that unusual for me, as you already know if you read my story) but also without checking websites, streamings and any gaming-related stuff. This didn’t happen for years. I’m the cleanest I’ve been in years. I even skipped fast whenever I saw a gaming advertising in websites. This week was overall easy, but I know that sooner or later cravings will come. I’ll let them come, I’m not scared. I will be clean at the end of the 90 days.

 

 

[WorkInProgress]

Congratulations on deleting the Accound. I gave mine away to a friends little brother even before gamequitters. Still quitting lol was the turning point in my life. Away from gaming from 6am until my wife got back from work and telling her I studied. Away from this version of myself.

[info-gatherer]

Thanks for sharing. Ye it sucks when you lie to your loved ones at the only purpose of nourishing your addiction. Stay strong.

Day 8

I moved back to uni city and spent the remaining 3 hours of the afternoon studying. At the library I met my girlfriend and one of the few friends I have. Then I spent some time with my gf. In the city’s main place a guy and a girl approached us and we talked 40 min about God (they tried to convert us but we are agnostic). We prayed together. They GUARANTEED that thanks to the prayer I’m quitting smoking in 90 days bc God wants it. They were fanatic for sure, but good people with a big hearth. Afterwards I went to my gf house and we had dinner with her flatmate, which is sort of a friend of mine after all the time we spent together. I created a new cocktail, the Bloody Cowboy, a Bloody Mary variation bc we didn’t have all the ingredients for the original. It sucked. We poured it down the sink. Beautiful day.

goals for tomorrow: waking up at the now usual 9, going to the library and studying 50 pages of a goddamn boring essay I have to read

[Guest]

Omg great job on deleting all those accounts! Good luck on that essay.

[info-gatherer]

@BigOlBeartic omg thank you  btw Yess I learned how to tag people

@hycniejsy Hey Pharmacist! I think that among those “rights” there’s also the right to try to convert / accept to be converted / don’t accept to be converted

Day 9

Spent the whole day at the library. 50 pages goal met. I’m happy about that. Then pretty boring dinner with gf and 2 other people.

Goals for tomorrow: same as today

 

EDIT: Blizzard finally deleted my HS account. I had my 5 min of “why the fk did I do this, I lost all my cards, all those nights spent playing”. I recovered soon. I need to focus on my life.

Edited January 30, 2018 by info-gatherer

[WorkInProgress]

https://markmanson.net/fear-of-missing-out