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info-gatherer

90 Days of Journal

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6 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

 A group of friends that I don’t hang out with anymore had a dinner together and nobody told me anything, I wasn’t invited. Now, I’m happy to be finally apart from them because that’s what I tried to do for a long time (there’s a couple very toxic individuals among them), but 1 or 2 of them are still friends of mine and I feel betrayed. I mean, I’m happy about the missing invite, but I’m definitely not ok with the silence & secrecy.

Consider that maybe your actual friends had nothing to do with the invites. For them its just as awkward. They for sure knew you weren't invited, and for them it's not nice trying to force the rest of the group to invite you just so they dont have to carry the guilt of you not being invited. It's an awkward place for multiple people here, and i suggest you dont put too much thought on it. There's also the chance that they know you well enough, that you wouldn't be interested. All in all dont blame them too much.

 

6 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

Another thing that bothers (haunts) me is that one of the toxic individuals mentioned above knows my secret life (gaming 12+ hours a day) because I was so stupid to tell him while drunk, and now there is a high probability that everyone knows it. Even if I don’t game anymore. Is this fair? I guess I just need to accept it and deal with it. Accept myself and forgive my past self and care less about other people’s opinions. But I’m not ready to do that. It’s been only 50 days... Forgiveness and acceptance can wait...

I think you should own up to it, you don't have to forgive yourself of it, but atleast recognize this is something that you have done, and you aren't proud of it. Maybe you still feel a lot of regret, but don't try and supress your past and imagine it never happened. Fact is that you gamed way too much for way too long, and thats just how it is. Whats wrong with people knowing that about you? There's multiple flaws that pains people's past, some are gambling, some are addicts of different kinds and probably many more things. That doesnt mean i judge them, if they actively know it was bad for them and have quit.

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@JanG thanks for the wise words. I fully agree with your point of view. Shame has always been a weakness of mine, I often make things bigger than they really are, and it’s good that somebody makes me face it. Only problem is that people can’t know that I quit, because they aren’t supposed to know that I was a gamer in the first place. I didn’t do my “coming out”. Maybe I should. Maybe it is just like the LGBT movement, you do coming out and inspire other people to do the same...

Day 58 EDIT: 59!

Ignored the alarm, woke up too late, missed the first 30 minutes of morning class. It won’t happen ever again.

I had a discussion with one of my flatmates. I was more assertive, confident and honest than usual, but still I felt a bit like I was on trial. I DID explain myself in a clear way, but she didn’t really understand and after the 10th time repeating the same stuff I had to partially give up. Positive thing: I didn’t feel the need to smile the whole time, implying “I mean you no harm”. I was resolute and she felt it.

Overall I feel more confident, less awkward in social situations (class, after-class, library).

Tomorrow I have to clean the house and in the evening I’ll go to the tennis lesson. I’ll spend the rest of the day studying at the library.

Edited by info-gatherer
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Interesting note about Dostoevsky. I would think that would make his characters more relatable, but maybe he over amplifies it. I'd need to read other works to see.

And I can empathize with your friend situation. That's happened to me a few times. It used to bother me a lot more. I've started seeing friends as temporary traveling companions in a long journey, and found that when they do something negative it affects me a lot less.

Edited by Pierce
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21 hours ago, Pierce said:

I've started seeing friends as temporary traveling companions in a long journey, and found that when they do something negative it affects me a lot less.

I have the same way of seeing it. Also, they’re not REALLY my friends, not intimate ones at least. It’s just people that I spend time with and care for in some way. I don’t have close friends except a couple persons that live in other cities.

Day 60

Got bullied again at tennis, but way less than last week. This is starting to really bother me and I don’t know what to do. The joke is always ambiguous and I never see it coming, and then it’s gone before I can even realize it and I miss my chance to answer back. This didn’t happen to me since middle school, it’s strange. Also, another strange thing is that those guys are sincerely kind with me and we talk about other stuff as well (nothing interesting but it’s relaxing anyway), they just like to make those jokes and I’m not even interested in replying, but I don’t like being made fun of again and again either. I could just run away and go playing tennis somewhere else, but I want to face this problem and fix it. Also I like our teacher, he is very good at his job and i learn a lot with him, that’s also why I don’t want to change club.

I am so busy nowadays that I barely find the time to write this journal, but I am happy that I do it. It helps a lot.

btw 2 months gone

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I've been thinking about your situation with tennis. My initial reaction was that they need something snarky said to them, but that would likely make it worse.

I work on an ambulance and have been partnered a few times with a guy who sounds similar to what you're describing. At one point we were back at base and I saw the opportunity to make a really crude joke. The ensuing laughter diffused the situation. It allowed him to see that even though I'm "one of the guys" and not super reserved all the time. Don't do this at the cost of authenticity, but they likely want to see how you'll react to their comments. If you respond in a way that shows they can't get to you and that you're having fun anyway they'll be less likely to continue.

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8 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

Got bullied again at tennis ...

Hey again friend, and grats on the two months!

I can only come with experience from my life. I have a group of IRL mates that go back 6-7 years. So we've known eachother for quite a while. Now the humor in this group is often at somebodies expense. It's always have been and i guess we have just stuck to it. Some people are more often the expense of a joke than others, but most people take a beating at some point. However at a party some months ago a friend dragged me aside, and said he was uncomfortable with how often he was made fun of. It took me completely unawares, since this is how "humor" had been handled in that group for the past many years. He's a great friend and ever since i've been conscious about not hurting his feelings, because thats not the point of it, the entire point of making fun was to make people laugh. I had just assumed it was fine because it seemed that way.

My point is that there's quite a good chance that they don't realise that it makes you uncomfortable to be made fun of. From here i see two solutions

  1. Talk with them/him about it, and hope that he understands. However this might be too intimate if you are 'new' friends.
  2. Accept that there's a good chance that they aren't intentionally calling you out to harm you. Just trying to have fun. This one is a little hard, as it can be quite difficult persuading youself to let it slide, instead of taking offense. Even on a subconscious level.

Good luck with it

Edited by JanG

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Day 62

I’m drunk again, I got invited to dinner by a friend and I met new people and one of them is a nerd and we started talking about videogames and it’s been 2 hours and he’s so smart and I didn’t feel too much shame confessing I was a gaming addict and he is a gamer but not a problematic one he has a life and I’d like to be like him just enjoy games without the guilt and without wastingg my life

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So... here we are again. I had a “teenager” weekend, drank way too much, met new people, but I’m not embarassed about it. I was myself, I didn’t have to pretend to have fun because I was actually having fun. I think it’s good that I finally allowed myself to be a little more on the wild side after so many months of seriousness. I even went dancing and came back home at 4 AM, woke up at lunch time. I quite missed the feeling, but the real reason I enjoyed it without guilt is because I know that I am improving my life, giving it my very best every day, and I can relax every once in a while. Also, it’s been a boost to my self-esteem. I wasn’t scared, but I didn’t fuck up either.

Last thing. As I said, I spent some time talking with this guy about videogames. I was really high but I didn’t say “I miss videogames” or such, I made it clear that videogames are bad for me and I quit, and repeated to him all the things I learned here. Yes, I wrote that I’d like to be like him and play videogames without the negative effects, but I always knew that it’s not possible (for me). This means that I have no more urge to play videogames and I don’t want to go back. I was even invited to a LAN party and I declined (while drunk!). This journey with the GameQuitters community has changed me. My perception of videogames and life in general is radically different. And the perception of myself, my self-worth, my goals, and my ability to commit has changed too.

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Day 63

There’s something wrong today. It’s not about what I did (relax all day long watching a movie and then a couple hours episodes of an anime), I don’t feel guilty. It is something more deep. Something like an anguish without fear... it’s difficult to explain. I think it is also because I smoked too much and my lungs are asking for mercy. Maybe my body is just too stressed. I’m sure after a good night of sleep everything will be fine. Goodnight everyone

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15 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

So... here we are again. I had a “teenager” weekend, drank way too much, met new people, but I’m not embarassed about it. I was myself, I didn’t have to pretend to have fun because I was actually having fun. I think it’s good that I finally allowed myself to be a little more on the wild side after so many months of seriousness. I even went dancing and came back home at 4 AM, woke up at lunch time. I quite missed the feeling, but the real reason I enjoyed it without guilt is because I know that I am improving my life, giving it my very best every day, and I can relax every once in a while. Also, it’s been a boost to my self-esteem. I wasn’t scared, but I didn’t fuck up either.

Last thing. As I said, I spent some time talking with this guy about videogames. I was really high but I didn’t say “I miss videogames” or such, I made it clear that videogames are bad for me and I quit, and repeated to him all the things I learned here. Yes, I wrote that I’d like to be like him and play videogames without the negative effects, but I always knew that it’s not possible (for me). This means that I have no more urge to play videogames and I don’t want to go back. I was even invited to a LAN party and I declined (while drunk!). This journey with the GameQuitters community has changed me. My perception of videogames and life in general is radically different. And the perception of myself, my self-worth, my goals, and my ability to commit has changed too.

Hey, that was cool how you opened up to that guy and said video games are bad for you.  You never know.  Maybe one day he or a friend of his might have a video game addiction, and they'll remember how you turned away from it for your own good.  And I think most people respect a person who abstains from something that is unhealthy for them.  It takes courage and commitment to do that.  So, kudos to you.  I like the title of your journal too.  "90 Days of Journal".  I'll read more when I have the time.  Right now, I'm going to watch a movie for an hour and then get some sleep before 10:00 pm.  Early day at work tomorrow.  Cheers!

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I don't know if I directly can empathize with that feeling of anguish, but I know I've felt similar many times. For me it comes feeling like I'm a spectator of my own life and I can feel the harsh judgement I am projecting on myself for not meeting my goals.

Could be a completely different root source/feeling for you though. Worth introspecting further.

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@Dannigan cheers dannigan, and thanks for the feedback about the title of this journal. I was thinking to change it because there are 1000 journals with a similar name but I guess I’ll keep it as it is until the 90days mark :)

@Pierce This time it was something very different, probably linked to a phisical and not only psychological disease.

Day 64

updates tonight

edit: good day, didn’t study but went to the courses, spent the rest of the time in an however meaningful way: I had a long chat with a fellow student in the afternoon, watched a 1-hour movie, talked several hours with my gf.

thanks everyone for all the support and the nice comments I received lately. I really appreciate it.

Edited by info-gatherer
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Guest

 if he did share it to heck with it, it just goes to show his character. If one of my friends shared that with me I would be checking up on them constantly and make sure I was helping them. Accepting and forgiving yourself is the way to go :>) forget that boi / gurl 

edit:woops I think I commented about a post on the previous page ._. 

Edited by Guest

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No worries Bear, I got the message :) thanks

Day 65

The usual tuesday.

“The Highlight”: I called a meeting with my flatmates bc I couldn’t stand the situation anymore. I was direct and told people what I think, in a polite but firm way, and explained that I don’t like their behaviour. The issues I tried to discuss got mostly ignored (I repeatedly accused my flatmate but she didn’t reply nor talk) but in the end, quite unexpectedly, the thing didn’t escalate into a severe arguement and we started joking and everyone left with a light hearth.

“The bad habit”: I went to bed a little too late in the past 2 days and woke up feeling not so good. I watched Lupin the IIIrd anime and that’s why I went to bed later. I didn’t miss any lessons because of that, but I slightly lost my sleep schedule (it’s now shifted half an hour later). I’ll keep a close eye on this and try to be more careful.

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When I lived in a dorm the two guys who lived next to me liked to loudly party some nights. My roommate and I played good cop bad cop when confronting them. I always enjoyed being the bad cop since I'm usually the nice guy. I've learned over the past few years that we can play both roles ourselves, and it's best to start as the bad cop before lightening up.

And props for safeguarding your schedule.

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@Pierce I’m a peaceful guy, it’s always difficult for me to play the bad cop. Most of the times (almost always) I do not even care about the problem itself, I am good at adapting, but people think they can disrespect me for this reason, and that’s what I don’t like. I know I need to improve this aspect of my personality. Saying “it’s ok” to everything is a bad strategy. Thanks and nice story btw :)

Day 66

I partially lost control over the Lupin binge-watching. Yesterday I went to bed a little too late again. I slept to my gf’s. Today she woke up at 8 and went out. I was supposed to wake up before 9.30, but I ignored the (9 AM) alarm and went back to sleeping. Because of this, an embarassing thing happened. The houseowner had to come and fix the washing machine. He arrived while I was still sleeping, at 9.40, and found me alone in the house. I apologized, got dressed as soon as I could and left.

Then my normal daily routine happened, but in the evening I felt very tired and I just watched 4 hours straight of the anime. I lost too much time, and even worse I missed on my goal of moderating. This is not going to have any bad consequences in the near future, because tomorrow I will have no time to watch anything anyway, and on friday I am going back to my parent’s home for a week (Easter holidays). However, I’m sad about this little failure.

I hope you people out there are faring well. Love you all.

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Day 67

I woke up half an hour too late again. Then I went to the library, and didn’t manage to study much before I found out that the library was closing for the holidays. So I was put at the door. At that point I decided I would not study for the whole day and

1 Went to a friend’s home and spent a couple hours with him

2 Said goodbye to my gf, we won’t see each other for a week

3 Went to tennis

After the tennis lesson I had nothing to do, I said you know what fuck it, I asked one of my tennis mates, the 30yo bank employee, to go out for dinner. He accepted and we got to know each other better. I think it’s the end of the bullying. We had a big burger and a beer, he insisted to pay the bill and so I didn’t even spend a dime. Pleasant day overall, tomorrow I’m going back to my parents’ home.

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1 hour ago, info-gatherer said:

After the tennis lesson I had nothing to do, I said you know what fuck it, I asked one of my tennis mates, the 30yo bank employee, to go out for dinner. He accepted and we got to know each other better. I think it’s the end of the bullying. We had a big burger and a beer, he insisted to pay the bill and so I didn’t even spend a dime. Pleasant day overall, tomorrow I’m going back to my parents’ home.

That is awesome.  Wow.  You really faced that demon 'bullying'.  Good strategy to invite him out for dinner.  Plus a free meal ... hahahah.

Victory!

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When I started this detox, I knew for sure that the week I’m going to face would be the hardest one. The real test.

I learned a lot in this 2 months and I am now confident I will not game. I will keep myself busy, go out with friends whenever possible, try to study, spend time with my parents. There will be downtime for sure, but I’m here because

I want to re-state my commitment. I did fine until now and I will be successful at the end of the holidays week.

I will probably journal more often in the coming days.

My bus leaves in 10, I better get ready.

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25 minutes ago, Dana said:

tfw you stop video games just to become an alcoholic instead :p

Jk, I'm sure you're fine, but it's also something you might want to watch out for.

:)

I’ve already been there. Not a real alcoholic, but a problematic drinker indeed. And then I just stopped drinking. Now I’m mostly sober even in social situations. I very seldom drink, and when I do, not as much as I used to.

I think that the difference between a problematic and a non-problematic drinker is that the first gets drunk not only when he hangs out with friends, but also alone in his room. I don’t do that anymore.

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Day 68

So... Came back to parents’ home.

Spent a couple hours uploading some movies on the movie tracker. Then I got out and went to play tennis with some friends. It started to rain so we waited an hour in the car and when it stopped we played for half an hour. I was the worst player indeed but I had fun. We’re probably going again in the next days.

In the evening I went out with the same friends and my sister. We had dinner, then we went to play Bingo (it’s gambling, but not a strategy game, so I get bored. I spent 3€ and my friends 8 or so). Then we went to play bowling and I won (hehe) and finally, the last game, we played pool.

Before going back home we went to eat again, we had italian bakery products.

Overall I spent quite a lot of money tonight but it’s ok, I had a good time.

Now it’s 4 AM and I apologise, I’m so tired and my english probably sucks.

Gaming-related thing of the day: I played bowling and pool while being literally surrounded by arcade videogames and I didn’t watch a screen once. But it’s getting natural, I don’t need anymore to force myself to look away. I didn’t have the slightest craving.

Goodnight

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That's awesome man. I'm hoping this will be a really great break for you. I can say from personal experience that breaks are tough, so making it through that will give you a lot of confidence.

And I need to pick up some bowling tips from you sometime. I usually get destroyed because I'm a gutterball making machine. Now when I challenge my friends to air hockey.... that's a different story.

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Day 69

This morning I went out with a friend and we talked a bit. We didn’t see each other since november.

In the afternoon I played tennis again with my friends. I played VERY GOOD and everyone was “wtf yesterday you were terrible what happened”... One of them litterally ragequitted after I beat her twice in a row. I think it’s also because I tried a new racket and I feel way more comfortable with it, so I’m bringing it to uni city and replace the previous one. I won most games and it felt very good because I’ve finally seen some progress after so many (<15? Lol) lessons.

And so the whole afternoon went by. In the evening I watched a movie. Then I made the terrible mistake of wasting 3 hours on the movies tracker. I actually spend more time uploading stuff and partecipating to the community than watching what I download... This is not ok and I’ll fix it. Goal for tomorrow: log in no more than 2 times into the movies tracker.

Tomorrow I’m going out for lunch with my whole family and I’ll eat many tasty things. My dad says that I’m getting fat and that’s probably true to an extent. I’ve never been fat. Well when I will quit smoking I will do more exercise, but for now I’ll just try to watch my diet.

Edited by info-gatherer
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