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info-gatherer

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Day 29

I feel depressed and there’s this fog around my mind, I can’t think and act clearly.

BUT I know why I’m feeling this way...

1 I’m still not 100% recovered from my fever

2 fever fucked my sleep schedule and metabolism

3 fever fucked up my MOMENTUM. I did nothing for a week, and today I did absolutely nothing, watched TV all time instead of doing what I was supposed to do.

... and I know HOW TO FIX IT:

1 tomorrow I’m waking up early

2 and going back to uni city

3 and doing that long&boring administrative paperwork that I managed to avoid for the whole weekend, so I can go back to studying.

Tomorrow it’ll be 1 month since detox started, and I want to celebrate, not to feel like shit. That’s why I will do my best to be present to myself and live a healthy day.

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On 2/19/2018 at 9:30 PM, Cam Adair said:

Thanks for all of your contributions to the community. Very grateful you're sharing your journey with us.

Hey :) Pleasure’s all mine. I wouldn’t be celebrating if I didn’t have the support of this community. I am deeply grateful to you all.

Day 30

1 month in! Things that changed during this month:

-my mind is more clear and focused

-I am more present to myself, in good and bad times. I work to fix my life.

-my sleep schedule is the best it’s been in years

-I am more sociable and I spend more time with my friends and family

-No more gaming-related guilt feelings

-and much more

But now it’s bed time. Goodnight :)

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Day 31

As the weather gets colder and colder, for me it gets increasingly difficult to stay out of home. I’m “lucky” (am I?) because I don’t like staying at home, since I argued with 2/3 my flatmates and we barely speak to each other. Anyway, I finished reading the books for my next exam and I should start reharsing, but now I’m very tired so I guess I’ll start tomorrow.

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Day 32

Thanks god in 1 month is gonna be spring, this cold is driving me crazy.

Good news:

I woke up at 7.30. That’s very early for me and I’m grateful for it. Before 9 I was already at the library and I started studying.

Bad news:

After lunch I just gave up on the possibility of being productive. I felt tired. I came back home and I’m just mindlessly surfing the net and waiting for this evening’s tennis lesson.

I find the thought of going out with both my school books AND my huge tennis bag on my shoulders very scary. But even if I only have a couple hours left to make this afternoon meaningful, I’m TAKING ACTION and going out right now.

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1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

How was tennis? :3

Hey :) Tennis was fine, my service is improving and my backhand too. I also feel like I have more control overall, but we didn’t play the game today, just technical exercises, so I cannot be sure. Bonus points bc I had spontaneous and funny social interaction with the other 2 guys.

After tennis I went to a friends home, we were 5 people and I lead the conversation on a difficult topic. I quite missed the feeling. My intellectual skills are not numb anymore since I quit gaming and I spend my days studying. I know it’s just natural that my speech & reasoning performance are getting better, but I’ve been happy to see proof of that.

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Day 33

My flatmate’s behaviour is out of control. Some days ago she sticked a note on the door of my room, saying that I am supposed to put my hand in front of my mouth when I cough (thing that I always do when there are people around) and explicitly accusing me of getting her sick. Like wtf is your problem, I got you sick so what? Someone got me sick in the first place. Should I find that person and pin a note on his forehead? And she is always so commanding, as if I were an invader in HER house. She takes decision on when we should clean the house, where we should put our things and so on. It’s MY house too, you know? I’d really like to shout in her face that she’s a worthless selfish individual that’s driving me crazy, but I guess it’s not a good idea and I couldn’t find the courage anyway. I hope she triggers me at the point I explode, but this isn’t a good way of thinking about the problem either. The best solution would be to speak to her, but I don’t feel safe doing so bc I know that while my behaviour is always polite and helpful, my “activities” are far from perfect: I’m a smoker and my GF comes visiting/sleeping almost every day, and she never complained about it (maybe I would if I were her). Also, I don’t want my other flatmates to join into the discussion or I could be overnumbered, even if nobody likes her. Should I just endure and be patient? Any tips?

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Day 34

Today I was having for the first time quite strong cravings, and what happened? One of my best friends (which is also one of my only 3 irl gaming friends) asked me if I want to start playing WoW again with him. We both quit that game several years ago and I really miss playing it. I explained him what I am doing here with the detox and he respected it. He was very supportive, although he said “ok see you on wow in 60 days”. I explained that if I feel safe at the end of the 90 days I will try playing in moderation, but WoW isn’t exactly a game that gets along with moderation... well I still have a couple months to figure out what’s best for me.

Edited by info-gatherer
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It's great that you found a friend who is fairly supportive. Make sure you continue to check in with yourself and have firm boundaries. It's easy to go back down a road of gaming in "moderation" only to slowly spiral out of control again. 

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2 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

It's great that you found a friend who is fairly supportive. Make sure you continue to check in with yourself and have firm boundaries. It's easy to go back down a road of gaming in "moderation" only to slowly spiral out of control again. 

That's right!!

 

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3 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

It's great that you found a friend who is fairly supportive. Make sure you continue to check in with yourself and have firm boundaries. It's easy to go back down a road of gaming in "moderation" only to slowly spiral out of control again. 

You’re absolutely right, and I am surely familiar with the risks of trying to game in “moderation”. That’s why I’m doing this detox. In your guide you suggest that before trying moderation a person should complete his 90 days, so that his mind gets “rewired”. This doesn’t mean that I have already decided to try moderation either. In fact, maybe I won’t. If I think about it, I consider that I still have 2 more months of detox to complete, and I am 100% committed to it. Talking about what I will do next feels premature/rushed. Right now I’m just enjoying the ride. And I will make sure to “re-evaluate” my position in all honesty at the end of the detox before trying anything at all.

Another thing: after the gaming detox, I must quit smoking, and I absolutely don’t want to try any kind of gaming moderation while I do that. So my detox will last longer than 90 days.

That said, I understand what you’re trying to tell me, and the danger you want to shield me from. And I’m so much grateful for it. I don’t want to fail you and the community, you’re all helping me so much and I feel like the only way I can repay you is being an example for the other people that are trying to quit this addiction. This is why I will do my best not to let you down.

Day 34, evening

I accepted an invite for dinner at a friend’s home, but it got canceled at the last minute (the guy that was supposed to cook got sick and everyone said “ok let’s just do it another day”). I had another invite (this one from my gf & her friends) but I didn’t go, I didn’t feel like doing it. This was probably a bad choice, because this way I spent the whole day+evening in my bed watching movies. At least I really liked the 2nd movie, “The king of comedy” by M. Scorsese. I seldom like Scorsese’s movies but this one is brilliant. Anyway, this doesn’t mean that I had a meaningful day. It was pretty dull, actually.

Last thing: a friend came and visited me. She said (honestly, as a friend) that I am always too serious, implying that I am not funny as I used to be and she didn’t have a great time with me like she used to have. This made me think. Am I being too hard on myself? Always serious and too focused on important things to just relax for a second? Or instead I got more emotionally mature and I can’t feel good in the same silly/“hiding-my-insecurities” way I used to? My grammar is lackluster but I hope you understand

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Thats awesome, i used to play tennis :3 lol roommates are crazy af i didn't get along with my first roommate at all, the person would keep bringing ppl over at 3 am. (Btw you may want to cough into your upper arm instead of ur hand, b/c your germs will get everywhere ex: touching doorknobs and shaking hands, etc)

Edited by BigOlBeartic
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14 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

(Btw you may want to cough into your upper arm instead of ur hand, b/c your germs will get everywhere ex: touching doorknobs and shaking hands, etc)

Life hax

Day 35

It’s snowing, and some crazy people are running a half-marathon in the streets. I guess they’re showing dedication.

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Day 36

More cravings, and I know why. I have an exam on wednesday and my mind is trying to escape from it. I studied hard but I was forced in bed for a whole week due to my fever, so I’m not 100% ready to take it. But I have no choice :) I must try

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Day 37

It’s 10 PM and I still have to re-read 60 pages. I can’t study anymore, I’ll try to do that tomorrow morning before the exam.

Today in my city it was the coldest day of the year, -8 celsius degrees. Tomorrow it’s expected to be better, “just” -3.

well I’m watching a movie and then going to bed, goodnight everyone

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Day 38

Exam passed, 30/31. It’s almost the best result but it’s not enough and I will not settle for anything less than 31 next time. I already study a lot (thanks to GameQuitters!), and I’m not totally stupid. This means that I need to change my method.

Goals for the next months:

1 DONT SKIP THE LESSONS. DONT STAY AT HOME. GO TO SCHOOL ALSO WHEN THE LESSONS ARE BORING AND SEEM ALMOST A WASTE OF TIME.

2 I don’t know how to write this in english but I NEED TO REPEAT (reharse?) OUT LOUD BEFORE THE EXAM. KNOWING THINGS IN MY MIND IS NOT ENOUGH. I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DISCUSS & MAKE SENSE WITHOUT DIGRESSING AND BEING CONFUSING.

Tomorrow I have a test of French language, it’s not exactly an exam but I need a decent score if I want to move to Paris next year

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Day 39

The french test went decently enough, I hope my request gets approved.

Lunch with friends. I bought a chess board and proceded to destroy every one of them. They were all beginners / first time but I couldn’t resist. I wasn’t arrogant or cocky, I tried to be helpful and humble, but nonetheless I couldn’t resist to crush them in <10 moves every time. It’s not a videogame but I was looking for that same feeling of “dopamine release” and I quite got it. It was beautiful playing again after 40 days, even if the matches were unbalanced.

Tennis went super good. I played vs the best guy in my course and forced him to play seriously otherwise he would lose. In the end I lost but it was a lot of fun. I’m getting better and I’m grateful for it.

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Hey man, I read through a lot of your journal and gotta say theres already been a lot of change from day one to day 39. Keep it going and seems like you're finding good ways to replace gaming

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@BigOlBeartic well in Italy we say “non cantare vittoria”, which means “don’t be happy until you actually manage to get what you want”. My request needs to be approved and then ofc I must actually move there. A lot of things can happen but I hope I’ll be strong enough to do it. I’ve already lived in Berlin for 5 months, so I can probably stay 9 months in Paris. We’ll see.

@eshi2000 Yes, quitting games is reshaping my life as long as I am focused enough to replace it with better activities. I think I’m doing good. Thanks for the support and for reading my journal :)

Day 40

Going back to parents’ home. I asked my sister, my gf and a friend to go skiing this weekend but they all declined. Maybe I’ll go on my own. Also, sunday is Election Day, I’ll go to cast my vote.

Edited by info-gatherer
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On 25/02/2018 at 0:10 AM, info-gatherer said:

Today I was having for the first time quite strong cravings, and what happened? One of my best friends (which is also one of my only 3 irl gaming friends) asked me if I want to start playing WoW again with him. We both quit that game several years ago and I really miss playing it. I explained him what I am doing here with the detox and he respected it. He was very supportive, although he said “ok see you on wow in 60 days”. I explained that if I feel safe at the end of the 90 days I will try playing in moderation, but WoW isn’t exactly a game that gets along with moderation... well I still have a couple months to figure out what’s best for me.

You seem to be doing well with your detox man, good work.

With regards to your words above I’d be majorly careful trying to play WoW in ANY shape or form. You nailed it already when you said WoW isn’t exactly a game that gets along with moderation. In fact, I’d be happy to put you up for the understatement of the year award for that one ?.

WoW has two key elements of gaming addiction - progress & socialising. Those two elements alone will suck you back into the game before you even realise it.

 

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Thanks @Newbie17 :) I’m not trying WoW anytime soon.

Day 41

Spent the whole afternoon of yesterday and the whole day today in front of the pc, and I have to say I didn’t miss the feeling at all. Usual brain fog experience and little meaningful accomplished. I joined a couple private trackers and downloaded half a TB of art-house / classic / indie movies. Being a newbie in the trackers world I had to study and learn a lot of stuff, and I actually did, but I also spent hours just looking at the download/seeding percentages going up. My final goal is to join Karagarga, the best art-house movie tracker, and be done with this bullshit of having to waste hours “improving my ratio”, “promoting” and “advancing my rank” in different trackers. It was fun the first 2 hours, then it got boring. Now I learned the basics and I’m not required anymore to stand in front of the pc the whole time, I can let the rig do its job, so I guess I’ll go and visit my granny (woah what an exciting saturday for Info-Gatherer!)

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Day 42-43

I joined SC, a top tier tracker for the type of content I’m interested in. Luckily enough, my journey in the climb-those-trackers world has “come to an end” in a very short time (most people need months, if ever, to achieve my same result, I’ve been very lucky). I’ll just use that one and forget about the others. Also, the community is very friendly. I never liked lurking forums and wasting hours in front of the pc, except for gaming forums ofc, so this weekend really took a toll on me. It was a short experience, but I’d dare say very educational. There’s a whole subculture of which I ignored the existence and now am a part of.

I didn’t spend all the time in those trackers, tho. Yesterday I woke up and went to cast my vote for the national elections. Then I went with my grandmother to the cemetery after a lot of years of absence. My grandfather’s grave is there. It was an intense experience. My granny told me that in a short time my grandfather’s grave is going to be broken, and his spoils are gonna be moved in another location. She also told me a thing that I didn’t remember: when I was 2, I told her that I saw my grandpa in a dream, and he told me to tell her that he was well and happy, and he ran in a field full of flowers.

In the afternoon I went to visit 2 friends of mine and then went out for dinner with them and other people. I had a good time.

But now it’s time to go back to the real world. Tomorrow I have my first lesson of the 2nd semester. The course seems much more difficult than I’m used to. It’s a course of history, so not exactly my field. I think it will be a real challenge, and for the first time I wonder whether I’m ready or not. I won’t skip the lessons and hopefully everything will be good.

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Day 44

I went back to uni city; falling asleep right now, nothing special to say, just didn’t wanna skip the entry.

Another memory from my childhood: Me and my dad are biking together. I want to ask him to buy me the new Game Boy SP. I’m positive he will say no, because I already spend too much time with my GB Color and he has to scream at me every day to make me stop. I ask him and he’s very chill, says yes of course you can have it, I can’t believe it and I’m very happy.

 

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