Journal

[taichi]

ASD communication training was really great. The conversation is patient-lead, so need to bring notes on what my communication-related struggles are.

Listening to somebody with similar struggles felt very unsettling. Now I look back there was much common ground to be explored, but I kind of shut myself off.

Edited May 21, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

I'm feeling really good today. This is the best I've felt in the morning for a long while.

On 5/15/2019 at 6:19 PM, taichi said:

I am feeling like shit. Let's try to break it down.

My Sunday jog was far far too much for me. Still aching all over. --> Stretch and rest.

Having two wanks the day after jogging was a terrible idea. My energy is yet to come back. --> Take a few days to replenish.

Pretending that I'm feeling better around my mother is really taxing on my emotional energy. --> Talk.

I'm feeling guilty for being in this home everyday paying nothing. --> Rest and self-care is top priority now. Also this sounds a lot like depression so maybe tell psychiatrist.

I have very low confidence in my personality since my girlfriend told me I lack empathy. --> ASD communication training will help.

I feel like the world is full of douche-bags and nothing's going to get any better.  --> Don't read that toxic blog ever again. Don't argue with that person ever again.

Looking back at this post, I see what I need to be careful about.

1. The right amount of exercise really makes me feel great. Only the right amount is very very little!

2. Maybe ejaculate once a week and keep it at that. I masturbated on Monday but still feeling full of energy today.

3. Being open to family has really helped. Even if they are acting impatient, explain my situation patiently. And then they may or may not listen, it doesn't really matter.

4. I have a modest action plan for my recovery, so that's rid me of any guilt. I am changing what I can change.

5. Having low confidence isn't bad in itself. Maintaining the "Beginners' Mind" in all situations is the key to bringing happiness to people & myself.

6. Having an argument with that person somehow attracted a new potential friend to me. The world is clearly not full of douche-bags, so I should keep speaking my mind.

Edited May 21, 2019 by taichi

[Ambassador]

1 hour ago, taichi said:

I'm feeling really good today. This is the best I've felt in the morning for a long while.

Looking back at this post, I see what I need to be careful about.

1. The right amount of exercise really makes me feel great. Only the right amount is very very little!

2. Maybe ejaculate once a week and keep it at that. I masturbated on Monday but still feeling full of energy today.

3. Being open to family has really helped. Even if they are acting impatient, explain my situation patiently. And then they may or may not listen, it doesn't really matter.

4. I have a modest action plan for my recovery, so that's rid me of any guilt. I am changing what I can change.

5. Having low confidence isn't bad in itself. Maintaining the "Beginners' Mind" in all situations is the key to bringing happiness to people & myself.

6. Having an argument with that person somehow attracted a new potential friend to me. The world is clearly not full of douche-bags, so I should keep speaking my mind.

Having a clear view of things is the first step into acting upon them! Few personal views of mine about them, hope they help in some way.

1. You can slowly build up resistance and increase your workout sessions. Take note of the exercise you do and how you feel about it, so that you know when to increase rhythm and when to back it down a bit.

2. Once in a while isn't a problem. The problem is to rely on it to get the dopamine you would be craving for. But biology cannot be denied, humans have sexual urges now and then, and it makes no good to repress it forever.

3. Can't say much here, I have a lot of difficulties on this one. I can open myself to friends, girlfriend, but to family I fell... weird about.

4. It's not helpful to go full energy, head on, into hard and wild changes, only to find later on that you took a step too big  for you and now the floor is faltering under your feet. Take it slow and steady, and gradually adapting your plans as you need. At least that was the lesson of an old professor of mine, and I'm glad I never forgot, because it has been helping me a lot recently.

5. I'm a skeptic, and a Socrates fan. I think we all should have low confidence on our knowledge, but high confidence on our ability to learn. And it doesn't matter how many repetitions it takes for you to learn, as long as at the end of each you can be reasonably sure it added something new to you. About him who knows the most, however, that knowledge is only any good as the good things it brings him. Else, it makes of him a walking bookcase, which has all the knowledge but little use for it.

6. Yes, you should. If idiots are free to talk what they please, why wouldn't amazing people also be?

Keep rocking.

[taichi]

That great feeling last morning faded away as the day went by and I was feeling a sob in the evening.

Maybe I should be the most careful about mood swings. Keep them manageable.

[taichi]

Feeling gloriously peaceful again. At least this euphoria feels better than a sob.

[taichi]

Went to see my cousin who now lives in the countryside.

Their house doesn't have internet or TV signal, which apparently was a deliberate decision by my aunt.

So my cousin's entertainment is the river just outside, the lake Sagami, some CDs & DVDs that they own, and radio (also a few tv recordings that he plays over and over).

Spent a Saturday with them, talking, watching his favourite band's live DVD, cooking, and juggling. It wasn't a blast but it was a restorative experience. 

Edited May 26, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

I hate being shit at things. I always choose to not try a difficult looking thing, but make the choice subtle so that even I don't realise my own sneaky avoidance.

When I am accidentally shit at something, under my indifferent mask I am shaken and crying, and I make a subconscious vow to never try that thing again.

Edited May 27, 2019 by taichi

[Phoenixking]

It's okay to be bad at things, you know. I suck at so many different things and I'm only good at a few things. That's being human ? 

[taichi]

@Phoenixking I know that's right, at least right on paper, but I never felt like it was okay. My damaged core self-esteem makes improvement look like hell.

Edited May 27, 2019 by taichi

[Ambassador]

I relate to that feeling. But remember we place much more emphasis on other people's thoughts on us than what is really deserved. People's focuses are themselves, not us. Everyone is too busy trying not to look like a fool that they hardly notice when someone else does. And everyone will have its bad days. Kings and queens stumble and fall, famous poets misspell, though politicians stutter amidst self doubt, highly trained mathematicians change signals and miscount. Even the most well assembled and programmed computers F things up sometimes. There's a very well explained example here, approximately at 1:02:00 timestamp:

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JwEYamjXpA

It's a very cool presentation, anyway, I highly recommend watching it through. But the take away is: we've done effing up. Many, many times. Sometimes it scratches our knees, sometimes it costs millions of dollars. But we can always bounce back. And maybe have a good laugh at it, later on.

Keep your head up.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Ambassador

[taichi]

My psychiatrist pointed out ADD in me, which means I have ASD, ADD and NPD.

I'm honestly feeling totally relieved about myself, knowing that I'm not a shithead devil, and each major flaw in me has its place in medical care.

[taichi]

4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Everyone is too busy trying not to look like a fool that they hardly notice when someone else does.

That sounds like a silly kind of hell. And I agree I think I live in one of those ?

And oh is that a Matt Parker video?  I'm on a YouTube abstention but I do love Matt. Maybe I'll make it a cheat video tonight. Thanks for the recommendation.

The thing is, yesterday I was shit by accident, and I did keep my head up, but also noticed my heart was crying like a grown up baby.

I'm going to tell that insecure baby what you @Ambassador and @Phoenixking have told me today. Thank you!

[AssellusPrimus]

@taichi I have been diagnosed with ADD and I found a really successful method for keeping myself in a good flow and sustaining my focus. Here's post I shared with the reddit community a few days earlier! Remember you maybe diagnosed with ASD, ADD, and NPD but you are all this and more! 

 

[taichi]

Thank you @AssellusPrimus for the beautifully comprehensive hacklist.

Quote

But let me tell you, we can focus better than anyone, just on what we want, so we need to identify what it is we want, and move in that direction while letting go of any beliefs that get in our way.

I usually don't like self-improvement stuff, but this one rings like a open-tuned dreadnought guitar. I would love to be able to honestly hold my brain's peculiarities as a gift.

 

I have 4, 5, 7 sorted and am currently working on 8 in the brilliant Kon-Mari method ? Nice to have a list to tick off.

[Ambassador]

19 hours ago, taichi said:

I'm on a YouTube abstention

I'm so sorry! I'll be mindful of that next time I give out a recommendation.

[taichi]

@Ambassador That's okay, I have a website blocker on so I can't access bingey websites anyway.

I need to borrow somebody else's PC to watch that video, which I haven't yet.

Edited May 29, 2019 by taichi

[Ambassador]

Maybe watch it together with someone else, it may help to prevent you from going rogue on videos. Yes, it's a Matt Parker vid, to be precise it' s a whole hour of him presenting his book over the Royal Institution, with the usual fun. Hope you enjoy!

[taichi]

@Ambassador Watched it! The final remark was really sweet. "Maths" could be replaced with any difficult & important thing:

Quote

Have a go. <The difficult thing> is difficult.

But, the people who enjoy <the difficult thing> are not the people who find it easy, they're the people who enjoy how difficult it is.

It's hard work, you'll get it wrong, but gradually it will teach your brain how to think and gradually you will get better and better at <the difficult thing>.

 

--- <Common name starting with M> Parker

 

Edited May 29, 2019 by taichi

[Ambassador]

Exactly! I hadn't thought that, it really is fitting to anything that's hard to learn and master! It really gives me some new perspective on my work. Thanks for sharing that thought!

[taichi]

My gaming / YouTube / porn abstention is nearing the end of week 8. I'm almost out of the woods in terms of DeltaFosB accumulation ?

I'm feeling stronger and mentally balanced, and looking at my physical journal entries around Feb~March, I can't believe how depressed this person was.

Going for a easy hiking + camping trip with an old friend the coming week, which invitation I would have definitely turned down in February.

It's bliss to be feeling like my body could do something. It would be even greater bliss to allow myself to be mediocre.

[taichi]

Recently I am feeling less and less inclined to post in this journal.

This is probably a good thing, because it reflects how much support I have found outside of my room.

I will keep attending my ASD/ADD communication training group, and see my psychiatrist every other week.

I can also keep discussing my situation honestly with my family and dear one.

And then I have my university's student support room.

 

All this support I could find because I admitted myself to be a severe gaming / internet addict and took a year off uni.

After 8 months away from school, I am increasingly confident about my being able to graduate in some form.

 

It's probably too early to start saying thank-yous, because my addiction / depression is not fully gone.

I will continue posting from time to time, but not very frequently, let alone daily.

 

Edit: Maybe another reason is that my most pressing issue has shifted from addiction to communication malfunction.

This forum is GameQuitters, not DevelopmentalDisorders.

Edited June 2, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

After my first ever 2-day hiking + camping trip at Oze National Park, I'm surprised at how much my body could do and how little fatigue I feel now.

The highlight was walking down some frighteningly steep paths to see the Sanjo Falls, an enormous and gorgeous waterfall that we had to ourselves.

A great big thanks goes to my best friend, who lent me shoes & rucksack, and carried all of the heavier equipment to make my rucksack lighter.

 

Games were unexpectedly on my mind quite a lot. It turns out distinctively beautiful nature reminds me of the game's various playing areas.

I found myself keen to play the game again, genuinely interested to roam the magnificent locations once again, which was a feeling I hadn't felt for a very long time.

The addictive behaviour has become enticing again. A positive sign that my brain is reverting to its normal excitement levels! ?

(I searched the web a bit for some nice screenshots, and found them quite underwhelming.)

 

Addiction recovery, as I understand it now, is 1) letting the behaviour's excitement return, and then 2) ignoring it.

From here on, it seems the new challenge is the ignoring. Glad it isn't looking like much of a challenge.

[taichi]

UBlock Origin is neat. Edited most of this post out because it was a lot of whining.

Edited June 12, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

This coming Saturday is day 90 of my "no gaming / video binge / porn" streak.

Recently I've been feeling like not much has changed, but reading some of my older posts I have to admit there has been substantial progress.

Well I'm still depressed & in my room most of the time, and once again a game is on my mind quite a lot. That doesn't change.

Maybe this too could start changing bit by bit, now that I have a steady rhythm seeing my psychiatrist, and have connected with my university's student support centre.

On top of that, on Friday I am seeing my new prof at university, as a preparation for my return to campus in October.

[taichi]

The last 3 days have been amazing.

1) My anti-depressant and ADD medication have kicked in and everything feels so much easier ?

2) My two greatest sources of anxiety, uni graduation and job-hunting, have both started to seem like clear and actionable goals.

The crucial key to both of these improvements was the self-knowledge that I gained at my current psychiatrists and their developmental disorders group.

As it turns out, there are people/organisations out there whose entire job is to help out people like me, who are having a hard time as ASD/ADHD young adults.

A happy spiral of [ self-knowledge -> better at seeking help -> even more self-knowledge ] has taken off.

Feeling a lot of positive momentum now.