Jump to content
Moe Smith

Moe's Fantasy Writer Journal

Recommended Posts

Level Up: Game Free Day 83 (New Record!)

Today is a pretty cool, and surreal day for me. I've seen my two best friends on this forum reach their 90 day mark! @giblets met his goal a while ago, and he's been kicking even more ass since! @Mettermrck hit his 90 days TODAY! BOOM MAN! I've seen from these two rockstars that changing your life is massively possible, and they have done it with extraordinary grace, consideration from others, and a laser focus on what they want in their lives. 

I say today is surreal because I'm only 7 days away from 90 day mark as well! Seeing these guys finish with such flying colors makes me want to be better, and I fully intend to be better :D My 90 day mark also happens to be on September 11th which is a very meaningful day for me. I remember VERY vividly that terrorist day 16 years ago. Part of why it was such a stark and clear memory for me is because it's two days before my birthday. I don't believe in coincidences, I'm more of an interwoven through the universe type of guy. I think that there are opportunities that arise because the universe wants to see us succeed. My 90 days being on such a deep day for me, and having it land right next to my 29th birthday is huge for me. It feels like it was very much so on purpose, like threads coming together to form a tapestry. 
 

@Mettermrck @BigPete247, I'm still contemplating "moderation." I don't like that term for a couple of reasons though. 1: It's got such a negative connotation to it, that it feels like it's it's begging for people to fail with it. 2: It sounds consistent to me. For someone who games in moderation, I imagine that they only game 1 hour a day, or 3 hours a week, or things like that. I'm certainly not planning on having something consistent. The way that I'm thinking about it, is more like when you get a craving for a certain type of meal. For example, I crave a baked potato, or a PB&J, or chicken noodle soup, or lasagna, or a steak for dinner every once in a while. It might take me a few days to actually get myself that particular meal, but then when I do get it, I'm good! I don't want to continue that same meal and binge on it over and over. That's how it's been for me as I start to re-introduce the vices that I took away. Porn and masturbation, watching a t.v. show, and drinking (mostly wine), all come up as a craving once in a while, and I'll address them. When I do, I have the skillset to say "one show" and MEAN it, and FOLLOW it. I'm too busy to give into those unhealthy binges nowadays. But I do know how to take some time to address the moments when I need a break healthily. That's what I'm expecting, and I expect to stay in contact with this forum to make sure I'm not going over the edge. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sep 11 is only going to gain even more significance for you mate! I am super pumped for you that you've made this monumental shift when you're only 29. So much potential still ahead of you. They say you're in your running prime in your 30s, so maybe you'll start meeting me out on the track for some virtual races? ;)

 

I am glad at least you are not taking the 'moderation' (until you decide on a better word) so lightly and are thinking about it so much. Like Cam and the Minimalists say, life should be about intent, and if you go back into gaming with the right intent, then you're at least approaching from a new angle after the detox. I think the majority of the reason why people will tell you not to go down that path is because it is littered with failures, like I have said on your journal previously. I know for example I can't see myself going back to playing in moderation at all, because I don't think I can, which is a mindset shared by many others. I haven't ruled out the possibility of multiplayer and have 'allowed' my mind to be ready for multiplayer offers from my colleagues, but it still has large amounts of preoccupation that follows which I really hate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Level Up: Game Free Day 88 (New Record!)

Days Productive: 0 

Last Unproductive Binge: 9/8/2017

Number of Binge Days Since Start:  1

Year Long No-Binge Attempt #: 1

So as I'm nearing the end of my initial detox, I'm contemplating several things. I've mentioned my eventual (yet extremely controlled) return back to gaming. I still believe I am going to do just that. As I continue to read about people who move on in their life and continue their detox, like @Mettermrck and @giblets, I've been wondering what my real struggle with this whole process has been. It's become clear that after the 90 days, there's no stopping. You just keep moving forward.

I've been wondering what I'm going to do after my 90 days. One of the things that I've brought up several times in my journals is my tendency to binge. I'm a binger, not an addict. If anyone doesn't know the difference (at least in my mind), an addict is perpetually compelled to indulge in their vices, and the urges never stop. It's constant. A binger is someone who takes a vice, and dives DEEP down with it and doesn't come back up for air for some time. While an addict is perpetual, a binger is more intense. To use gaming as an example, there are probably loads of gamers who have played more hours overall than I have. But as a binger, it would be very rare for me to meet other people who put more concentrated chunks of time towards gaming. As a binger, I've probably got 95% of gamers beats for the number of hours I could have dedicated in a single week. Over a single month would be much more difficult to keep up. 

SO... what I think I want to do now is start keeping track of my binges. I'm honestly not worried about how I'll handle gaming when it's back in my life. What I am concerned about is letting myself fall into a pit and not coming out, thus screwing my life track up more. I finish my gaming detox in 3.5 days (End of day 90 is when I'm considering myself finished). Then, as a birthday present, I'll do some game. Maybe League, maybe Pokemon, maybe something else fun and new that a friend wants me to play with him. After the 12th, I will no longer keep track of my gaming/non-gaming days. Instead, I'll be switching over to a binge/no-binge tracker. I'll be working on a system to establish different criteria for what binging actual means to me. It will likely have to do with how many days in a row I've done something, and how many hours in a day I've done it. I'll keep track of the non-binge days with a "Days Productive" counter, and I'll keep track of the binge days with a counter, and a last date marker. With this new process, I'm aiming for a YEAR! 

To be honest, I don't expect to make my year long no-binge attempt on my first try. But I will do my best to make it happen. If I fail, then there's still something for me to learn. If I make it, then I'll create a new goal. Anytime I do fail, I'll increase my counter to keep track of that for myself. Also, I'll need to come up with a way to allow my self days of relaxation, without being productive, and without binging. That might be the hardest part. Especially since I've been binging for two days straight since I'm on break from school. Rare down times like that when I don't have anything planned are the hardest days for me to be productive. We'll see how it all goes, but for now, that's the plan!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Level Up: Game Free 90 Days (New Record!)

So! Here it is! My big 90! WOOHOO!!!! MAN THAT FEELS GOOD TO SAY!

I know this process has only been for 3 months, but it's felt like I've been doing this for a year! I'm thrilled that I was actually able to pull this off, and reach my goal! Since I started gaming when I was approximately 5 years old, I don't think I've ever made it to a 90 day streak of non-gaming! This is a first in my life and it's great to know that I can actually live a very fulfilling life without gaming in it! 

@Mettermrck listed his largest takeaways from his entire process on his 90 day mark about a week ago. I liked that so I think I'll do the same. 

#1: Strength
The biggest thing I took away from this entire experience is a knowledge of my own strength! For the longest time I've had an idea of what I wanted to do, to create, and to be in my life. The vision was never the problem for me, I've always had direction. My problem has always been in the development of momentum and movement on my determined vectors. Now, I feel like I can make worthwhile impact on my desires. I'm a year away from finishing school. I finished my last quarter with a 3.9 GPA (WHICH WAS BRUTAL). I started working on my startup business, and even recruited a couple of talented students to help me pursue the finished product. I won a couple of small contests in school regarding startup, and I even have two people who have expressed interest in investing! And the cherry on top is that my family life is pretty damn great! My wife and I are settling into a decent routine with the new house, we're participating with friends on a regular basis, and we've got a space that we're fond of and that we actually want to spend project time on! I now know, that whatever I chose to do in my life, I can do it. And I do mean anything. 

#2: Self Appreciation
This one I'll keep simple. I used to HATE myself. I thought it was part of my personality to be lazy and useless in accomplishing things. After doing research and listening to Cam's findings, I realize that it wasn't me. It was my addictions. I am actually the type of person who loves being productive and creating things. That side of my takes center stage every day now. 

#3: Humility
I used to carry around a lot of false vibrato in an effort to disguise my weaknesses. I was constantly terrified of showing who I really was, because then everyone would see that I was nothing but an amalgamation of flaws. I used to boast and beat my chest in subtle ways to help me deal with how lame I was feeling. As I started to climb out of that habit, I gained a lot of confidence. With that newfound confidence, I made a few mistakes and some things blew up in my face. After having that happen a couple of times, I took a step back and figured out where I was, where I was going, and what I could do. When I really analyzed things, I figured out that I can do anything I want to, but I don't have the time to do everything on my own. That was when I decided to reach out to other people and have them help me on my project. By doing so, I gave myself a lot of great exposure to leadership and the opinions of others. While I know that I can do anything, I also know that I can't do it all, and therefore I know what I won't do. 

 

Overall, I feel like I'm a much stronger person that I was three months ago. I can achieve my dreams, keep my life in balance, and maintain happy relationships with those around me. Most of all, I'm happiest with my new relationship with myself! It's the one that was in the need of most repair, and patch job has been done beautifully thus far. Now, I'm no longer broken. I'm strong. 

 

Below is a blueprint of the new tracking system that I'm going to use for binging. It's a work in progress, but I think it will work. Let me know what you think! I would love to incorporate any great ideas people have. There's going to be a workflow diagram to accompany this eventually, just wanted to get these rules established first. 

9-11-17_Boxes Only.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Congrats @Moegli! It's been a long time with its share of ups and downs but I am glad you have made it.

I was quite skeptical of you going back to gaming and switching to tracking binges, but I like your graph. You've really thought about this, and it looks like it could work. I guess I found it hard to relate because I just can't be bothered playing games at all. Or watching movies or tv. But everyone needs an outlet I guess.

I look forward to following you for the next 180 days!

Edited by giblets

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats brother, very big accomplishment worthy of recognition and celebration. I hope you are very proud of yourself.

The past few months I've been reflecting on my binging tendencies around marijuana specifically, and that's what I relate to as well - more binging than addiction. However what I have also found, is the initial trigger for the binge cycle includes even smoking one time. That one time increases my cravings, which if left unchecked, quickly (within a day or two tops) spirals into a major binge cycle (weeks or months at a time). With this awareness, I am not completely sober from marijuana, but the intentionality I have with it is incredibly higher, and the frequency is set to one of a very rare occurrence - including me not personally having my own access to it, and instead a one-off random once-every-six-months thing with a friend when it feels right in the moment.

Also worthy of consideration is that criteria for addiction includes both your inability to moderate, negative impact during use, and relapse. Labels are less important than behavior, but it's worth bringing up in this case because it's easy to rationalize and find justifications for why you should continue an activity in your life that truly, only continues to come with baggage. 

What I would invite you to consider further, and to really sit with, is why the attachment to gaming continuing to be a part of your life? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...