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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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And to start Cat Quitters.

...At first it was something casual, controlled. Then it spiraled into a full grown obsession. My cat was taking 16+ hours a day. My cat was everything.

In an article I read recently, "normal" women were asking for a "cultured, outgoing man" as a minimum before considering a relationship. I considered myself to be a cinephile but I haven't watched any of Godard's or other people they were mentioning. You know, I've watched films everyone know and the majority of "mainstream classics": Hitchcock, Fellini, even that insufferable Bergman (I could give my opinion if asked but I kinda rather not...). So it seems my life was a lie. No "normal woman" will ever love me D:

Also it seems most normal women are bloggers, copywriters and psychologists. Such are the times, wow.

I keep having HUGE trouble socializing, even with old-time friends. I can't find "my place", and I just keep pissing them off, but for now I manage. I have to find myself. I must.

On a more general note, Summer has officially arrived but it's been blazing hot for a while, the local football team is about to promote and people are suddenly not starving poor, and the red hordes are approaching... again. It seems Groundhog Day it's not an individual, particuar thing in my life!

Edited by Hitaru

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The average woman is interested in  talking about the big bang theory(and I mean the series not the actual theory) and not in classics in my opinion. I call bullshit, because it contradicts everything I experienced in my past( and I am upper middleclass as fuck). The minimum for a woman is more like a clean guy who is fun/interesting to be with( humorous, interesting, not scared to take the initiative).

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@WorkInProgress More like GoT (both books and series), Big Bang Theory is like, so 2+ years ago omg lol

No but seriously, it truly was ludicrous. Ultra-liberal, ultra-empowered, ultra-third-wave-feminist women may or may not have their attractive and their public (to avoid saying "market") but I'd have a hard time calling them "the average"!

Actually, I think I haven't said this anywere else or any time before but... this kind of women gives me the chills. I honestly can't explain why; and since you (@WorkInProgress in this case) have been here for a while you already know my love for a good explanation and my stubborn refusal to avoid any topic. Also goes to the rest of the "regulars" of this not-so-little piece of myself, and if you're reading my stuff for the first time well, now you know! We don't dodge bullets here. In the dialectical field at least. So I wish I had an explanation for this (and for many other things), but I don't. I just know that, when I meet a "too" liberal/empowered girl around my age (middle aged women are a completely different but not opposite story) I automatically "distrust" her. Or I become defensive. I honestly don't know what it is. It gets worse if the girl is pretty. Much worse. And given my circles, artistic n' stuff, I know a bunch of them. Ironically, when they are ugly they tend to be resented at the system and I can handle them better, I just have to put them in my "annoying people" box. ^^ (When they're not resented they usually have interesting conversation and therefore avoid the box. Life hack: conversational skills always save the day).

So every time I meet a beautiful, cultured, independent, passionate, interesting, cheerful, sexually liberated, physically active, social, open-minded girl, it feels like Hell. When it should feel like Heaven. And I say that because spaniard women came out from the kitchen not so long ago. And that model of woman (in kitchen and subjugated), putting aside human rights, equality and all the gig, is boring. Boring as watching chess, blindfolded. Worse than death boring. So, a fool I must be. Figures ¬¬ 

I'm determined to devote some time researching this phenomenon, it's been being increasingly meddlesome. 

I have a relatively relevant social gathering today (Uh-oh, I must hurry...!) and a BIG one coming soon. It worries me plenty, for reasons. Reasons which will be discussed in the near future.

 

Tomorrow a week again! Phew, it went away flying for sure.

EDIT: Okay definitely I can't into Maths. Today at 19:00 will be 8 days. I'm leaving the original estimate for shame.

Edited by Hitaru

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Just discovering your journal, great !

Seems many of us need many relapse for getting out of that thing... and as you said, same feeling not to have progressed really. Am just a week ahead of  you, but i am cheating, am very often in places with no gaming computers or no computers at all. Am anyway too much surfing internet right now !

Have a good one Hitaru !

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8 days woot! :D

Ahem, 9! And counting ;)

Not very productive today. At least I drawed and checked on some things. Tomorrow I have interesting plans, related to my aspiring career. Progress!

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I see you're doing better and better!

"No tan rápido, forastero." (reasons below)

Warning: Cluster F-Bomb Testing Field

I've done fucked up. I fucked up my social interactions. Again. This can't go on. I can endure a videogame relapse, since 80% or 90% percent of my relapses consist in playing for some hours then keep going with my daily life. But I cannot put up with this shit. I do not can. Everything's going fine them BAM, back to square-fucking-one. No sir, nay. It's unacceptable.

If I say I'm doing something, then I must DO IT, joder. If I decide not doing anything ever again, that's fine, so be it. But there's something way worse than not doing anything: step back, pussy out, whatever you want to call it. It's basically the same thing, being a liar and an unreliable coward. And it does have consequences.

Do I want to be a coward and the laughing stock of my peers? Do I want to be frowned upon, censored and despised? Do I want to be a big, disgusting ball of self-pity and excuses? Hell NO! Then why, how come I can't fucking abide and just act? It's easy, get up from bed, get a shower, get dressed and go. I don't even have to eat each time, I simply can, go! Damn it! Everyone else does! I said this the very first day: I want to be strong. Strong enough to cope with life or strong enough to end it. Whichever comes first. But strong, fuck's sake! Strong enough to live my life as a coward if it comes to that. Strong enough to see each day rise and each day go. Simply. That. Now, I'm not asking for much, do I? 

Just tell me, how much I'm going to need to lower the bar to see actual, practical progress? Yes, my attitude is improving and yes that's the first step and the foundation of everything else. But attitude can only be maintained through achievement; otherwise it's just delusion. What I'm gonna need to do? Start counting "Days I got up from bed"? "Days I showered"? "Days that didn't begin at 16:00, or ended at 20:00"? Jesus Christ. 

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Hey amigo. ¿por que me llamas forastero?

I think you should start improving your social skill by expanding your comfort zone, so you'll feel more comfortable in every social interaction.

How to do this? It's simple and easy, and basically it takes about couple of SECONDS each day to do this.

Just say "Hello" (Or "Hola :)") to 3 different strangers even on the street each day. Especially to girls, if you want to practice interactions with girls.

Then you can walk away and don't care about anything. Whether this person will think you're weirdo or not, it doesn't matter, you're just boosting your comfort zone and do something which is good at all.

Do it 5 days in a week (2 days of break for anything else you want to do, even spending whole day inside your house) and tell me about your results.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist.

 

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Hey amigo. ¿por que me llamas forastero?

It's a staple sentence, or a trope, of western films. The outsider (el forastero) arrives at town and everything is eerily quiet until the local sheriff/bad guy appears and says, "Not so fast...". Or he is already in the local tavern and suggests "We should just go get the bad guys" and the barman (always world-wise and prudent at best) says, "Hey, not so fast, things don't work like that around here...", and a thousand examples more xD It's a completely outdated term in any other situation; to say "outsider" (especially to say non-national) we use "extranjero", to say "stranger" (someone you don't recognise) we use "extraño" and to say someone you don't know (or don't know yet) you say "desconocido". 

- Los nacionalistas suelen sospechar de los extranjeros.

- Nunca aceptes dulces de un extraño/desconocido.

- (Yo) Le quería pero ya no le reconozco, (Él) es como un extraño. 

- @Cam Adair era un completo desconocido en Internet hasta que habló en TED. (correct me if i'm wrong!)

------------

The beginning of today was awful. I had planned a fast trip to Seville to visit a friend and hoard summer clothes (and a few articles of clothing primarily designed to be flashy rather than comfortable, for incoming social reasons). After spending the night awake and losing my train 3 times (the last one by a literal minute) I said fuck it. It wasn't that great of an idea anyway. Instead of going home and do nothing, I was already outside so I spent the whole morning looking for clothes driven by frustration. Given my gender, globalization and my location, scavenging for clothes is a complete nightmare and overall a most unpleasant experience. That's why I usually drag someone along with me (anyone....! :() but today I was on my own and I fared pretty well. I even didn't return home empty-handed, and that's saying something...! I'm more the thrifty kind of shopper, but even so I'm always worried of overdoing it. Consumerism is a bitch.

(You might find it trivial but each little everyday thing I can do independently is a HUGE personal victory, like cooking, shopping, cleaning...)

 

Yesterday I didn't fill you in with the necessary details. What I was calling a social interaction was more like a work interaction. I've been failing at social interactions, including yesterday and today, but I don't have trouble with the theory. I can make friends, but lately I've been struggling to keep them. 

But this interaction was different. I joined a group of actors seeking to start making short films. Nothing much at first, but I like to see the big picture. Even if the product itself was crap (way too early to predict), there are more valuable things. Experience, training, connections. 95% percent of the actor's baggage until Scorsese calls to your door. Plus, it's fun and fulfilling. Meetings are a mix between training, script discussion and a long-term audition. They started thursday last week, and I didn't go. Then yesterday I was even dressed, but I also procrastinated getting ready until it was late and justified not going. I get a bit overzealous with anything I label as work (not that it happens often...) so yesterday I was simply out of myself. I'm sorry.

Good news is, I received a message where they were preparing the next meeting, and it happened to be today, 15 minutes after I read it. I was completely ready since I just arrived home, so I darted there without too much thinking or they expecting my appeareance. My first impressions have been good. I was terryfied since I know my friend who pushed me into this and the kind of folks he hangs out with. Way above my league. To my utter surprise, I'm one of the most veteran and solid actors there, and I wouldn't say my formation was... solid. Perhaps I should start doing it, and just call it "short"? Obviously they still are by average more sociable, charismatic and even beautiful than me, but hey, I got a name in the hood of being a guy who knows what is going on, and that's most chill.

This weekend I need to binge in drawing practice or my teacher will get really mad at me. As mother would say, "at least is not cutting stones". I wonder if she has experience cutting stones...?

Edited by Hitaru

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I have no idea what that means! So yes I agree! :D

I'd say "Go google it you lazy ass!" but considering your schedule that would be a hell of an overstatement. Heck no, an outright lie. Man, I don't even know how you make to be everywhere at the same time!

It means: "Cam was a complete stranger in the Internet before his TED talk". Actually you were probably someone in the internet, way into the past. For some unhealthy reasons.

--------------------------

Steam sales came and I want to proudly state that while I was quite tempted to do so, I didn't spend a single coin in games. Wohoo! But I couldn't help to put my claws into Life is Strange. I was a huge fan of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series, and I'm also quite into Visual Novels, so it was a must. 

Life is References, dude! Well, it had to happen. I couldn't help but to feel like an uncultured piece of shit while watching "Tumblrs Favourite Tales of Hipsterism". I've even been writing all the references down in a notebook to (hopefully) enlighten myself later. It's serious business. 

Sure, the lass is a Mary Sue if I ever saw one and the blue haired chick is nothing less than a 90's TV show teenage version of Léa Seydoux in La Vie d'Adèle (or much more accurately, her comic original counterpart). But damn son. My giddy aunt. 

I've talked about this before, I'm sure. What is "knowledge"? What is "culture"? Do I really have to read Kerouac or watch some von Trier films to be good to go? Knowledge has now become some kind of statement. If you want to identify yourself with something, or some group, then you MUST know this or that. Knowledge shouldn't be obligatory; you're making it a chore. You're turning culture into schooling. Knowledge is the new religion. Like the notion of God was made by the Church into something you had to fear, I do fear the world of knowledge. Will I have enough? What do I have to do to know? What do I have to know to reach Nirvana? Is it with me? Do I have the favor of those who watch over it? Am I devoted enough? I thought we were way past that already. It makes me sick.

Being an "intellectual" detaches you from the real world, and I'm already detached from normal realities as it is. Also social issues were also on the table. I was expected to turn into a member of this caste of intellectuals so much that I ended up rebelling against it and threw my life into the trash can in the process. Maybe I just had to accept it. I've been stubbornly refusing to make any step towards any kind of self-improvement. I am ashamed of that. And sad. I threw away all my "years of discovery". You can't begin to imagine how sad it makes me feel. I could cry. But I never cry because of my issues. It's just boiling inside, I can feel it. It doesn't take a psychologist or a volcanologist to say that's a freaking bad sign.

So I have to know. I have to know. I have to. Even if I don't want or don't see the point. I have to be prepared. I have to always make a way. I don't want to be left behind. Will that make me happier? Will I feel fulfilled? I don't think so. A shit ton of movies, books and music would be a powerful distraction from games at the very least, that's for sure. I don't want to be closed-minded, avoiding gaming is not everything in my life I do not have anything to fill my life with right now. I just sleep the days away. I'm 7960 days old right now. I should get moving. I really want to...

...but I'm afraid. All this abstract notion of "knowledge" scares the shit out of me. But since I wanted to take the artistic path, I got to stick to it I guess. Muhammad Ali used to say he hated his training but he didn't make big deal of it because he was completely focused on his goal of being the champion he ultimately was. Guess my training gotta be syphoning geek and hipster mana into my brain like iron into the forge. I just hope something good and original comes out from this, instead of becoming an intellectual. 

This people above of my league I usually talk about are also the most cultured and witty humans I know. Starting to piece things together?

It all comes back the same shit. I want to be cultured not because it will make me happier but because it will make me more social. I want to be more social just because since I was a brat everyone gave me the cold shoulder and doctors said I was "clinically misfit". Well fuck you, doctors. Fuck. You. And no, anonymous girl I once fucked, having culture is not "ridiculously easy since everyone could just turn on the DVD and start watching shit". Just no, ok? Even if you are an Encyclopedia. You are. But no. My mother has watched way more "completely must watch" films than me but what credit does she have? She watches and plays Candy Crush at the same time, for Gods' sake! She believes in the afterlife, how the hell can she be so damn disrespectful with the people who made those films for her? It ticks me off like almost anything else.

And of course she understands nothing. Her life is a lie, she made it that way and she's proud of it. So, on the other hand, who am I to judge? It works for her.

My colleague @Marchosias fears he crossed a point of no return turning 30 (you can find his tribulations in his journal if you haven't already). In a similar way I fear I'm too old to do something crazy, to experiment, to learn, to make mistakes. It was massively easier 5 years ago. Where was I 5 years ago? 

It was intended to be a rethoric question but I actually have to do the math, I'm struggling very hard to remember:

2016 - No gaming year. 21-22 yo. Present time.

2015 - Leaving Theatre School + Existential crisis. 20-21 yo. A year ago.

2014 - Pointless projects + Theatre School. 19-20 yo. 2 years ago. (My God.)

2013 - 18-19 yo. Break-up with crazy gf. Went to Rome. Pointless projects. 3 years ago.

2012 - 17-18 yo.  Dropped HS. Tried Distance education. Twice. Crazy gf. 4 years ago.

2011 - 16-17 yo. High School. My first play. Repeated HS. Crazy gf. 5 years ago.

I had to think REAL HARD to fill the voids, phew. Those 2013 and 12 are really shaky. But yes, that's basically it. I've fucked up my teens for good. The other six years were spent playing games. The other 10 were a nightmare of bullying, an alcoholic father and people trying to "fix" me. Well seen like that is pretty depressing. I don't even remember my life being so shitty. I suppose I was wrong. 

So you're upset because you spent some years doing the wrong thing? Try spending them doing nothing at all.

Now I'm getting sick. Sleep deprivation is not helping. It probably was a big procrastination to avoid drawing but I don't want to think all my existentialism and depression is just a lame excuse for laziness. It would make me more pathetic than I already am for wasting my life. 

While at the same time, these cultured people were... well, learning. Please kill me already. This is positively unbearable. No, I'm kidding. I can always bear more misery and self-pity. I don't have a limit. I wish I had the same resilience to live and not just to be a living corpse.

Wow, it was all jokes not so long ago and it sure took a downer turn, sorry. I'll just end it here.

Edited by Hitaru

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I have no idea what that means! So yes I agree! :D

I'd say "Go google it you lazy ass!" but considering your schedule that would be a hell of an overstatement. Heck no, an outright lie. Man, I don't even know how you make to be everywhere at the same time!

haha me neither! crazy part is that it's only the beginning. Think next year it could really get way busier. Oh well, just trying to have fun. Love reading your journals every day regardless. :D

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Steam sales came and I want to proudly state that while I was quite tempted to do so, I didn't spend a single coin in games. Wohoo! But I couldn't help to put my claws into Life is Strange. I was a huge fan of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series, and I'm also quite into Visual Novels, so it was a must. 

Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account?

It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam?

Life is Strange is an adventure game. You can move the character, interact with environment, there are item puzzles and two action sequences.

I mean; it's an amazing game, and I personally don't find adventure games to be all that dangerous. But that's just me, and the main reason I say that is because, while I still find them interesting, I don't actually want to bother with playing them (and I don't). If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation.

Look, just watch this playthrough; it's the most entertaining one there is due to the commentary (dw, it's not a screaming, jittery teenager), and you'll get to experience it like an actual visual novel that way. (The game constantly reminds you that your decisions will have consequences, but the actual content you're presented with is mostly the same no matter what. For instance, preventing a suicide only gives you one short and inconsequential extra scene.)

Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are.

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22. Shit you are young!

Still 21. Not for long. They don't last forever. Society failed and lied to me again.

Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account?

It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam?

Life is Strange is an adventure game. You can move the character, interact with environment, there are item puzzles and two action sequences.

I mean; it's an amazing game, and I personally don't find adventure games to be all that dangerous. But that's just me, and the main reason I say that is because, while I still find them interesting, I don't actually want to bother with playing them (and I don't). If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation.

Look, just watch this playthrough; it's the most entertaining one there is due to the commentary (dw, it's not a screaming, jittery teenager), and you'll get to experience it like an actual visual novel that way. (The game constantly reminds you that your decisions will have consequences, but the actual content you're presented with is mostly the same no matter what. For instance, preventing a suicide only gives you one short and inconsequential extra scene.)

Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are.

Consider (please) the following:

1. Why the fuck do you still have a Steam account?

Why not. Tons of free novels and starting developers I can learn about, in a simple platform where I can directly observe first-hand customer reaction and commentary, among many other things. 

2. If you "couldn't help" but to buy LiS, I'd say that's a different situation.

It was rhetorical. Of course I could "help it", but consciously decided against it.

3. Look, just watch this playthrough

Not the same, in my opinion. Like going to the Zoo. Hopefully I'll be designing my own adventure/visual novel/thing in the future, so I must experience it hands-on.

4. Ideally we wouldn't even be discussing that, but here we are.

Not sure what "that" is, but I like it here. Of all the places I've been, this is by far one of the less shitty. Being a hopeless wretch is a small fee for all the chills and these cool dudes and the prospect of contributing to gaming addiction research. And the prospect of not being a hopeless wretch... someday.

5. It's ok to fail, but can you even claim you're trying if you're still buying games off Steam?

But I said I didn't.

 

And for further clarification, here are the first 4 definitions of "game" in the spanish Dictionary of the Royal Academy (hence, Word of God):

 

1. m. Acción y efecto de jugar por entretenimiento.

(Action and effect of playing for entertainment)

2. m. Ejercicio recreativo o de competición sometido a reglas, y en el cual se gana o se pierde. 

(Recreational or competitive activity subject to rules in which one can either win or lose)

3. m. Práctica del juego de azar.

(The practice of game of chance)

4. m. Actividad intrascendente o que no ofrece ninguna dificultad. 

(Inconsequential activity, or posing no difficulty)

 

Was I entertained while playing? Yes (I can try to be bored). Was it the main purpose? Not for me at least. That's why I got Life is Strange instead the new Hearts of Iron, for example. 

(There's a saying here that goes: "Don't mention the rope in the Hangman's house". Just thinking about the months wasted if I ever have that game in my hands gives me goosebumps)

If you ask me, same as a book, different format. I didn't buy any games the other day. Screw playability, I don't give a **** about those puzzles I still haven't come across.

- Why don't you go for a book?

I can of course. Personally I've developed a weird case of PTSD concerning books, comics, and more recently movies and webcomics, but I always keep that (those) options in mind (then anxiety kicks in and I forget about it, but that hasn't anything to do with games or the detox since it comes from a long time ago). I wish I could read a book D: (not giving them up yet). 

 

So if it's interactive and entertaining it's a game and I'm playing and everything is the same as before. Well fuck historical novels then, I'm going directly to the scholarly essays, since it's not supposed to be entertaining and engaging. Being completely honest, playing or watching or interacting or whatever with that shit doesn't feel like a life-breaker. I'm a lot more worried about sleeping at day instead of night lately, that surely brings me closer to how were things before, and not learning about the misfortunes of Hipster Girl. And I could get SO HOOKED to films and books with just a wrong step or two, I could almost put them in the same box as games in terms of dangerousness.

Edited by Hitaru

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I'm not necessarily against trying adventure games (or any form of games) that you consider not damaging in your specific case, but, dude, at least finish your 90 day detox first.

I believe that you're honest and not consciously trying to weasel your way out of this, but that's why you've joined this community. To be told that you totally are.

Do the 90 days first, and then play LiS if you like. It's not going anywhere. (I'm thinking about doing the same.)

PS: LiS is a game. Visual novels, for our purposes, are not.

Edited by Marchosias

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PS: LiS is a game. Visual novels, for our purposes, are not.

This is the key of our disagreement. The only difference between one and the other is movement. LiS is displayed in 3D while Visual Novels are displayed in 2D. Both are games or neither. Also, if they're not damaging, what's the point in avoiding them? I'm having much trouble staying clean from damaging stuff as it is...!

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There are multiple colorful ways in which I could reiterate my point, but I don't think it'd do much good.

Luv u still but this is just dumb. I don't mind you playing LiS if you want to; I mind that you're not admitting what it actually is.

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Edited by Marchosias

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If you have more damaging addictions than LiS right now, then I can understand why you would prioritize staying away from those. Good luck! 

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I think we can reach a compromise. Let's say there is an objective. Anything that distracts me from that objective can be considered a game. 

The key term is "Temporary Escape". A VN or a graphic adventure can expand my knowledge and further SCIE my advances towards creating a work of my own. But if it's making me lose focus in my main objective then we can consider it a game. (Inconsequential activity)

 

 

Assuming that my life won't stop being a mess until I reach such objective.

 

That's a hell of an assumption, but it's a good first step. Now it's the perfect time to ask:

 

What is my main objective?

It can be anything, really. It gets confusing discerning. Let's imagine a pie chart with different items. Each item is contributing to make my life the living hell it currently is. Of course, there are bigger factors and smaller ones. So my objective should always be "Remove the biggest factor of the shitty-life chart". 

 

-------------------------

Update, 01/07: This post is salty.

June ended in a most disappointing way. I literally slept it away. Now people is free of their scholarly obligations and summer has really begun so I expect, no, I hope an increase of social interactions. I don't think it will happen. My circles have the tendency to completely ignore me in my periods of failure and idleness. I was so social and in demand when I was an actor in training. Now I'm just a piece of absolute nothing (you can be crap and still have "orbiters"). I have to call people tirelessly to hang out with them, and it usually ends up in something mediocre in which I feel everyone is completely disconnected with me. It's either listening how their lives are progressing or talking about why mine isn't. Well fuck that, sincerely. If I was The day I am in the same level as them, with a normal life and such, I'll naturally find their experiences constructive, fun and interesting, and I won't have to talk about mine. Currently it's just asking for a shitty time, and I can get plenty of those on my own.

That leads me to my latest tendency of avoiding all kinds of expensive interactions. I had planned a trip to Madrid to meet a friend, it was going to be something huge and I was quite nervous about it (implied in previous posts). Still, I prepared to take the challenge and the results were hopeful. At least until two days before departure, where I had an argument with another friend in which she, perhaps involuntarily, reminded me yet again of my complete lack of direction and purpose. 

Then it dawned to me that perhaps I was not morally allowed to leech a huge* sum of my mother's rightful money in a travel I wasn't sure [excuse] I wanted to undertake in order to feel good and avoid the grim reality that I am an almost 22 year old uneducated NEET. No fucking fun should be allowed, and every single euro should be spent in training, courses and recovery. So I began feeling like crap and cancelled everything. Everyone thinks I'm returning today. I'll tell them the truth and they will look at me like a clinical nutjob. Again. At least the cancellation was free.

The planned investment wasn't so huge actually, but most of my friends are very poor. The first world definition of poor: no holidays, no extracurricular activities, no variety in food and clothing, no possibility of repairing damaged home appliances or paying expensive medicines... and of course they are always, always reminding you, even when everyone were putting themselves into debt and living the spanish dream not so long ago, while my mother, with a career and a permanent job was begging for food to the neighbors (Thanks, father). Now you have a whole crowd of enraged, uneducated proletariats with plasma tvs and at least 4 little children, asking for "rights" and "justice". I'm not exactly a neoliberal but that is absolutely disgusting. Cross your fucking legs and get a fucking job. Or study. My mother was born in the countryside, her parents had nothing of value, she studied and earned her civil service. Now you treat her like she was some kind of privileged bourgeois. She was given nothing. Her life was not for free. What were you doing while she was studying while working, while pregnant, while depressed, huh!? Scum!

Still not a huge fan of Rand's thesis, @Marchosias. I still consider social security and state needed and beneficial. It's just the fucking spaniards. They ruined Spain. Also, most people distort her views to justify being assholes. Welcome to the Nietzsche club!

DISCLAIMER: A self-deprecating, radical, biased and destructive view of social conflicts is just a spaniard's staple; don't mind the harsh tone. I guess that's one reason behind why we've been so fond of firing bullets at each other when there was no absolutist king to push us around into firing bullets at everyone else.

I guess you understand now. I'm terrified to end up being swallowed by this... vermin, become an uncultured, overweight spanish redneck (no red since no job), living off grants, getting wasted and returning home each day to greet my spiteful wife whom I can't divorce and my delinquent children whom I can't throw from the top of a bridge. My friend is breaking her back studying trying to escape this fate (to be fair her family history is the consequence of unfortunate circumstances rather than sheer irresponsibility).

And me, what am I doing? Shitposting in a forum of future happy and successful people. That says a lot. 

--------------------------------------

Now the cheerful part, I guess

 

As usual, I think I didn't take the detox seriously enough. Even if I'm not playing my usual games I still have lots of distractions. Or simply sleep the day away, which is cheating. It's like I gave up meth but I'm still doing heroin. Or vice versa, I don't know which one is worse. 

A reconsideration is required.

- What I've learned: 

Yes, I've actually been observing myself and not just self-pitying! Crikey!

1. I have to wake up early (8:00) and go to bed late (0:00). Otherwise I fuck up my schedules. Flan's circadian rhythms can help me a lot with this.
2. Using the computer at morning even for 5 minutes is a perfect way of wasting ALL of the morning. And therefore the rest of the day.
3. I have to be constantly clean and groomed, or I'll use it as an excuse to not move.
4. I have to MOVE. A second inside is a second wasted. My town is very windy and it's hard to write, draw, read or do anything requiring paper, but I sure can find a safe spot. 
5. Sport and exercise are NOT optional.
6. Going out to buy food for me and the family can be a perfect excuse to spend the day outside doing the things I always do inside. But outside.
7. Youtube, the timelines of Facebook and Twitter and my couch are pure evil. I have to avoid them at all costs. 
8. I have to live my everyday life as if a nuclear war is about to begin. Always with a set of clothes and the basic items ready and at arms reach, to jump at the slightest opportunity.
9. Even if I don't like it, it's me who holds the responsibility of reaching out to my friends and manage my social life.
10. Habits, habits, habits. Drawing, translating and writing at the very least. 
11. A day without theatre or something related to it, is a day wasted.
12. There are 542 things in an average room which I can use to procrastinate, including the room itself.
--. Cheer up, dude.

Implementing those habits it's going to be hard. Very hard. But they will help me a lot. I'll even look like a normal person! Which is of course the first step towards being one.

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