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Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog


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Going to the cinema triggers my death anxiety. I should go more. There's also a very cool... don't know the word. Films incoming. But not new films. Films sorted by theme. Good prices. I'll be crashing in the cinema a lot for the next months, yay!

I'll be using my mother's laptop to check on GQ youtube channel and see what's going on there. Catch up with Cam's videos. I'm being going outside almost constantly and I expect to be doing it even more, so I'm not worried about mindless browsing. Much. 

55 days and 18 hours, guys! Almost two thirds of the detox!

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Going to the cinema triggers my death anxiety. I should go more. There's also a very cool... don't know the word. Films incoming. But not new films. Films sorted by theme. Good prices. I'll be crashing in the cinema a lot for the next months, yay!

I'll be using my mother's laptop to check on GQ youtube channel and see what's going on there. Catch up with Cam's videos. I'm being going outside almost constantly and I expect to be doing it even more, so I'm not worried about mindless browsing. Much. 

55 days and 18 hours, guys! Almost two thirds of the detox!


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It's the second day in my NoFap challenge and I'm reliving the sensations of the first days of the videogame detox, now familiar: Waking up late, permanent tiredness, pain in the lower back of the head (I learned headaches in that zone mean stress) and no, not lewd thoughts. Just a feeling of emptiness in the middle zone of my body. Hm, perhaps I'm just hungry. 

Where are my lewd thoughts, dammit! 

I just feel a pull when I see a girl, and a tug when I see a boy. And a churning sensation in my lower body, all the damn time! I now begin to understand how baser instincts affect the more humble minds of my male peers, and not only is a really uncomfortable sensation, I also can't write properly like this! I'm purposely acting like some kind of sitcom autist, bear with me, but I actually mean it. I thought being horny (what an unsightly word!) was about sporting an erection all the time. Couldn't be farther from being the case. I just feel feverish, waist cramps, migraines and some kind of mist in the eyes. Like some sort of "warm cold", if that's a thing or even a pun. 

Of course my desire of social interaction and intimacy has skyrocketed, that was one of the results sought. I fear I might make a mistake and rush some kind of contact with anyone to sate secondary needs instead of making a mental or emotional connection first. But it's not like I was particularly busy making mental or emotional connections with anybody before. I was just holed up at home, masturbating. And each time I did I stopped caring for contact with anyone else. Which wouldn't be that bad if it didn't disrupt every other aspect in my life, and damn if it does. And if I, let's say, get into a relationship with a jerk or jerkess because my lust-addled mind makes me rush things up to eleven, I'll just be behaving like, you know, all and every single other human being ever, hah!

I feel my skin burning. This is awful. And seriously, it seems like a joke but I'm feeling really dizzy. Yeah, ditzy too, but mostly the first one.

Man, it's just 2 days. Aren't you be like, some drama bitch or somethin

I'm just being honest ok. Also the first days are the worst ones. I hope. God help me if it gets worse. Some part of me wishes for this going worse. No, stop that!

Is it just me or did this already happened? Did I already write about this at some point? I feel too tired to check. Anyway, this time is the serious one. 


EDIT: AAAAAND I FUCKED UP. FIGURES! Also I might have a real cold lol. No matter, I'm trying again until it works. Who would have thought I'd ever be so determined a year ago...!

Edited by Hitaru
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Recent good news:

- Finished bureaucratic proceedings for upcoming travel. It was a headache but it's finally over. I even fix some things for two more people. Bossin' round the place.

- Probably going to a THIRD ONE; that would mean three travels outside my country in less than three months, 75% of all my abroad travels. Madness.

- I was accepted in English Cambridge C1 class. Certificate is at arms reach. Success!

- A translation pal showed up! I'm really excited about this.

- I was introduced to a group of people by a friend yesterday and my interpersonal performance was excellent. At least that was the impression I got, and I'm ruthless with myself so it had to be at least a decent try. Also been going out and stuff.

- A smut writer and content creator I follow, nicknamed S****, reported that he's doing better (was ill or something like that), and despite never having talked to the guy, I feel glad. My English has visibly improved since I read his stuff so in way I'm thankful to him. It's not related at all to the fact that I would kick his sorry ass back to the world of the living if he dared to go and kick the bucket before finishing his latest project. Really, at all.

Recent bad news:

- No progress with NoFap, but I'm not giving up.

- Delayed very urgent things that must be addresed to take my life to the next level.

- Fucked up sleep schedules but not very severely.

- Been mindless browsing recently. Tch, tch, bad Hitaru.

Also, a special event triggered which I'm not sure how to catalog.

Gigapost most probably coming very soon, so this was basically a shameless teaser :ph34r:

Edited by Hitaru
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- I was accepted in English Cambridge C1 class. Certificate is at arms reach. Success!


>arms reach

>in 6 months or so

#waytoopositive xD

Screw it, I'm blocking my mother's computer. I wanted to play (no pun) nice but now I see I can't trust myself in the slightest. The sad thing is, I find being consistent with your own mindsets very important, so I'll find very hard to trust everyone else in the future too. It happens to me already, for instance I'm becoming less and less tolerant with people procrastinating and making half-promises, I know where they lead and I hate it. When I was a child I thought setting boundaries and red lines was a clear sign of adult close-mindedness. Now I can at least understand the reasons behind the process. Is that growing up, I wonder...? For a change the question doesn't make me feel sarcastic, but wistful. Now if there's anything about being an adult THAT'S being wistful, so we're kind of narrowing things down! 

I keep delaying the gigapost, and it's weird. After all is no less than day 63, I reached the second month but I don't feel so hyped. My theory is because I'm currently in a down phase, oh, and reaching a month not being a novelty anymore [smug]

If I don't make it today I'll make it tomorrow to commemorate the end of this awfully inactive yet full of good news September. I should learn some things of Cam's style of making monthly progress reports. 

For two days I've been spending some hours with certain lewd interactive fiction and I'm not sure if that's detox breaking. While I don't feel too guilty, I don't feel completely clean either. It's reading, ok, but anything that has buttons makes me uneasy. Heck, I'm even avoiding visual novels for the same reason. I'm going to let it be this time, but only if I stop right now till the end of the detox. If I play/read again after stating I wouldn't I'll declare it my loss. Can you imagine still being in my first detox in goddamn January? Gods no.

Now I'll just sit here waiting for @Marquess ruthless retort on this matter. ^^ (Or perhaps he won't mind since the thing is not openly politically correct huuuuh...?)

I want to delve in that special happening but it would take away hype from the gigapost. On the other hand, making a separated post for it would allow me to explain myself in more detail in both posts and focus more on important detox facts and data in the report post. I'll decide in the next minutes and probably doublepost.

Edited by Hitaru
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Day 66. 

I fixed sleep schedule for the most part again. Looking forward to this week onward, finally the time of truth when my new life will start. I've been feeling cravings for my interactive lewd fiction that I haven't felt with other stuff, like stories. So I reassert myself: going back to it will be detox breaking. I also mindless browsed youtube the day before yesterday at night and watched Stellaris and XCOM 2 game film, triggering a dream of having relapsed that made me feel confused when I woke up. I must note I've been feeling fine from the moment I stopped direct exposition to gaming content. I'm not eager to keep testing my newfound resilience however.

September has been a month of little progress yet BIG news. Without further ado, I present them now.



This is Captain Taru's monthly report!



- Time to schedule, baby! Having fixed activities will help a great deal into fixing my life. I fear I will start big and deflate in two or three months. Again. No amount of motivation or preparation is going to help me avoid this fear. I have to fight it and beat it, not repress it or convince myself I do things because "there's no other way". There IS other way, the way of games and procrastination. A worse way. The worst way. Of course no amount of big words will make me walk the walk sooner or better. But I hope I will learn my lesson, eventually.

- A travel to mysterious and mildly dangerous eastern lands was proposed to me and organized during this September. I'm thrilled with the idea, and soon, it will materialize. A second travel even more interesting than the first was proposed by December but is not a sure thing yet.

- Special Event: A girl I met some time ago and not mentioned in this Journal before reappeared in my life and threatens to shake my vulnerable stability with uncomfortable yet quite popular feelings among humans. The kind that make you put rings in hands and act like a hopeless idiot. I have much better things to do, but I can't ignore myself. Well, I can, but I'm not willing to. I won't chase her either. My plan is to plainly assert my feelings whatever they may be at the very first chance and shrug it off as if no big deal. Because it's not a big deal, I just like her. She might even find my deadpanning cute. What she will find it for sure is convenient, since the words "I like you" tend to generate terror in girls. It's like they expect you to ask their hand in lifelong marriage right away. No, no. Nothing of that. I *just* like her. She's the kind of person that makes you strive to be better each day. I can live my life without her. It would just be a bit worse life. So, no rush and for God's sake, no drama.

What I do find relevant to highlight is my "cycle of crushing" (Meet in September - develop feelings in October - lose my dignity in March - recover in June) seems to have reappeared for the first time in years. That's an interesting development, I'll keep you posted. To my chagrin.

- Other recent developments almost ironically also related to a female have made available a friend almost 24/7 and I shall use him in a mutually beneficial relationship to get out of the house, have breakfast and study/work together. I expect great things!

Goals have been set: Slowly but surely prepare my body and mind for the performing arts, and get an official English proficiency titulation in the mid-term. I enrolled successfully in everything I set my mind to and I'm stoked to begin, despite my reservations. I guess journaling and the community will play a much more important role in my life, at least until I gain momentum. If that ever happens. The pleasant autumn, by far my favourite season, will help my mood if I help it help me. That means I'll be needing to visit the beach and have some time for myself a lot, and I really should not neglect that need. 

My comfort zone namely my house will be unavailable for the time being. I need to find a backup place or places to eat and shower regularly. That may turn positive in the long run, as I will actively seek to be out of the house the most as possible. (Reason below)

All in all, I feel happy and excited. Motivation takes action, and action I will get. I can't wait to update again.


Average wake up hour (busy day): ##
Average wake up hour (unscheduled day): 12:00
Average bed hour: ##
Average socialization: 3+ times/week
Average TV: 3 hours
Average WhatsApp: 1 hours
Average Procrastination: 10+ hours

Notes: TV and Whatsapp decreased. Computer increased.

Daily exercise: none
Daily meditation: none
Daily practice (acting): none
Daily practice (drawing): none
Daily practice (writing): none
Daily practice (music): none

Fixed activities:

- Flamenco dancing, Singing and Voice class, English, Dramaturgy.

- Driving license: Stalled until English Certificate achieved.
- Languages: Succesfully enrolled in Cambridge CAE preparatory (CEFR C1, very advanced). Starting on Tuesday.
- Drawing class assistance: Stalled until English Certificate achieved.
- Acting group assistance: Dropped, and it was a good decision.

- Health: 65% / Previous estimate 70%
- Appearance: 60% / Previous estimate 65%
- Charisma: 60% / Previous estimate 50%
- Confidence: 70% / Previous estimate 75%


Other stuff: 

There's going to be a reform going in my mother's house kitchen for the duration of the next month. I've been assigned to watch over the whole operation, opening and closing the door, checking if the cat won't exit the house with the door open, etc, and of course I will not. I don't feel entitled to any of my mother's possessions, and the mere request is an unspoken declaration that she thinks I've got nothing better to do, so it's my turn to prove her wrong. The bad news is she will have to hire someone and that will put a strain in our economy, whatever it is since I'm not allowed to know, which I find utterly ridiculous and inefficient. Yet another reason not to feel it as "our" things. Also, a stranger looking after strangers and an old, mentally impaired woman? Who will watch the watchmen? (Or watchwoman in this case, on top of that sexist). If we lived in a civilised country, such as Germany, this would be no big deal. But this is Spain and construction workers and illegal house staff are not mere strangers. Not the slightest ounce of honesty they have.

I can't begin to express how outraged I am. Her irresponsibility towards my grandmother decaying state has made us technically lose a four zero figure in the most recent past (unrelated to the reform). I rather not talk about it but not only I'm beginning to assume there will be no inheritance for poor little Hitaru, my respect towards her has plummeted. She is not to be trusted. I just ask "authority" for one thing: to get equal or better results than I would. Obviously she's not suited to be the household head and it gives me no small amount of annoyance to be unable to dispute her position and take over. For now. She's only good to work all day and ignore her family needs. Receive an assigned task and do it. A servant, a natural follower. I shall not be a follower. At least not an unwitting one.

@Cam Adair once said to me that everyone is trying their best. And I respect that. I can handle malice and she has none, but sometimes their best is not enough. Sometimes not even my best is enough. As I read somewhere: "Some people don't hold your best interests at heart. Others think they do, and those can be even worse."

[SOLVED: I kindly offered to watch over the house with my current partner in crime. That way we can get stuff done while still taking care of my home... for a reasonable fee of course. I couldn't imagine I'd have that shrewd and ruthless businessman side. And I think I like it.]


My eternal stalled tasks, eat better and doing exercise. I just don't find the moment or the thrive to start and I'm not sure what am I gonna do about them. I'm not giving up on them anytime soon, I just need to find the proper vehicle (diet) and courage (exercise). 

I won't say for the thousandth time that I will fix them. But I'll try. 


As you can see below my username, I've been granted power. At least until Cam comes back from Tanzania. I'll do my best to keep the forum in good order and crush all spammers. I'm not the only one tasked with that mission (I just happen to be the most important~~) so there will be not any disaster. Looking forward to that as well. I've already made some minor things (closing threads mostly) and I have an overall thread revision in mind. Many topics are brought up again and again just to wind down and be brought up again by newcomers. That's pretty inefficient, so I'll be scratching my brain to find a solution.


The first, unadulterated 1.0 version of Respawn in spanish is scheduled to be out anytime this October. From that point it will have to be revised by readers to gradually add a distinct spanish flavor (and become less of a transliteration). Youtube videos are next on the To-do list.

Edited by Hitaru
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Woot! Very grateful for your support with keeping the forum alive while I am away. 

And beyond! (If you let me.)

Today IS THE DAY. My friend is about to arrive in 20 minutes and the first thing I plan to do is a major overhaul of my working environment. That means clean up the mess my room has become. That and the reform has turned my house into a really weird place. Having a functioning fridge in the living room is unsettling no matter how you look at it o.O

Also some people on the Discord chat asked me if my date was today. It seems I have a fanbase hyped for it lol. I'm hyped for it.

Last night I had the opportunity to procrastinate and mindless browse, and to be honest I was feeling pretty shitty, nihilist and that, but I went to bed regardless. I had some trouble trying to sleep but now that the workers have arrived and started hammering things around I'm grateful about the decision I made. It's the second time in a row these guys arrive 10 minutes EARLY. You know I'm always thrashing my country but damn, you can't begin to imagine how extraordinary that is. Maybe it's because it's the beginners motivation. Or maybe it's because my neighbors next door are also reforming and there's some kind of rivalry going on? People arriving early. Inconceivable.


Lovely film, better person. And there is a spaniard, what else can you ask for.

What kind of clothing does one wear for a flamenco class...? It took me completely unprepared. Well autumn in general took me completely unprepared. I'll have to do emergency shopping and gods no, I hate to buy clothes, sigh. I'm changing my mind about going... but I'll be happy afterwards, I'm sure of it.

Well, time to get life done before I get done with life. If that makes sense.

Edited by Hitaru
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Tuesday was great, but I don't know how am I going to survive the next ones. Three activities in a row, that's crazy. Crazy for my own current standards at least. Last night I couldn't sleep and decided to get done a part of a project I'm about to detail, then I procrastinated for a while. Workers arrived one hour earlier (8 AM) and I couldn't get enough sleep. They were here for five minutes then left and still haven't returned. I'm considering decided not go to morning class and call it a sick day. Because yes I consider myself ill and every time I spend the night awake, mindless browse or compulsively masturbate as anxiety relief I see it as a manifestation of my illness, a bad day. That way I can still improve while not berating myself to much for it. It sucks but despite doing everything at a wrong time, I usually finish most of the stuff so I'm generally satisfied with myself. 

Concerning that, I've been in high spirits for the greater part of the detox, I've learned my mood is separated from my existential anxiety. Now I know I can be in a good mood and still innerly panicked about aging, death and other triggers. It only saddens me when it temporally disables my ability to perform mundane actions, but it passes eventually. Life's looking good.

I was asked to sing so the teacher could test my vocal capabilities and I suffered stage fright. I'm only confident with russian folk and military songs... in russian. Blindfolded. I don't have the slightest idea of russian. I correct, I'm only comfortable with myself when phonetically singing russian folk blindfolded. That is weird as fuck, but I'm not going to waste time pretending to be normal now, right? I paid money to sing, and hell I'll sing, even if I want to die afterwards and I'm the target of worried stares. 

It took me some time because instrumentals are really scarce, but I narrowed my selection to two. So should I try "Katyusha" or "Farewell of Slavianka"...?

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English class was so good yesterday, I'm considering to try my luck with the exam in December. It may overlap with December travel but I haven't received confirmation of it yet. I'll wait to the last moment to sign up waiting for a response. If not, next chance to do exam is in February which is also an ok date. 

Milestone 1 of special, ultra-secret project completed. Step 2 in progress and almost done. It should have been done by now but his evening I'm going to a musical theatre play and I'm being VERY LATE  BY THE WAY so goodbye for now!

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Aforementioned girl became evasive all of a sudden. I know what that means. Crush of 2016 is over, one thing less to do this year. I'll stick to my original plan of being a missionary or soldier in the Spanish Navy and forget all about girls, but I'd like to explore the world more first. I'm most probably not being serious now, but who knows how the world will spin. The universe keeps gently pushing me towards a certain direction, but I don't listen. 

Classes began but I'm still feeling empty. I'm not busy enough (adding the extra practice and habits). Actually I am, but...

I don't seem to have a direction. I'm just doing things I like. In other words have a lot of hobbies. People here tend to say that all your actions must be focused on a specific goal, even your hobbies. Considering that, my hobbies are aimed to a future acting career of some kind, but my focus isn't laid there. 

I still can't get up early and seize the morning, I still don't eat healthy, I still don't do exercise. My life simply can't go on without those three things. If I fix those three things and still feel empty I'll have to greatly consider my next course of action.

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Even during my gaming addiction I tried to manage waking up. I am an evening person, but now I manage to wake up at 05.00AM every day. The trick for me was to buy a wake-up light so my rooms is 100% pitch dark during the night and super bright at the time I need to wake up.

Eating healthy and exercising is still a hard to thing to get myself to, I feel that issue.

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I still can't get up early and seize the morning, I still don't eat healthy, I still don't do exercise. My life simply can't go on without those three things. If I fix those three things and still feel empty I'll have to greatly consider my next course of action.

What's one actionable step for each? Can you try waking up 30 mins earlier than normal? Or going to sleep earlier? What's one meal you can replace with a healthier option? Can you go for a walk each morning? Do 10 push-ups? Keep experimenting.

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I'm a bit embarrased at myself atm.

Mom came with her usual bullshit. I'm in a tough process of recovering of a 16 year long addiction so I'm oversensitive to bullshit. She accused me of making things harder to her because I don't want to stay home taking care of things. I explained to her in irritation that home is a toxic, draining environment to me and she couldn't understand. I refused to spend mornings at home without being monetarily compensated, and since I bring a friend with me as accountability partner, is a double fee. The amount is reasonable according to my standards and I make a fair calculation according to our actual productivity (I'm not asking for money if we've been slacking around), that's not the problem, but she negates the idea itself that my time costs money. My feelings cost money. Being in a place I don't want to be costs money. I don't care much about the money itself, I hate money, no matter how childish it may sound to you. I don't care, and there are very few things I don't care. It's about the compensation. And money is the only language she understands. 

Actually, it's funny, I could have perfectly agreed on helping her, it's inconvenient but not so big of a deal. But when she takes everything for granted I just lose my shit. 

She calls me abusive. She says I'm just taking advantage of her, that I'm just draining her when I'm not doing anything. So I'm not doing anything. I'm trying to cope with life. I'm trying to quit games. I'm trying to live a life I'm proud of and find my place in the world, even when I don't have the slightest idea of why I should do that in the first place. That's my real problem, it's not "all because the games". So take that as well, now I'm blaming games and using them as an excuse. 

But no, that's anything. To her there's not a damn difference between how I was this same day a year ago, or two, or three, and now. She downplays the whole thing when I assert it, and dramatically exaggerates it when I try to handle it. A year ago everything was "terrible, a mess, unbearable". Now, "things were not so bad."

Well, with due respect screw your biased, partial judgement and your constant guilt tripping. 

(Clock ticks 0:00, and like a modern Cinderella my computer won't let me go on, so I'll finish this post in some hours)

Edited by Hitaru
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I can relate to the situation with your mother, and I think I understand your frustration. It's absolutely obnoxious when someone takes you entirely for granted. When someone regards you as a side character in the movie of their life, when someone thinks the universe revolves around themselves only. 

I think your actions serve as an appropriate answer to her; she needs to understand that your time is valuable, and that you exist for your own, not her, purpose.

Not trying to sound like a "know-it-all", just offering my opinion. Hope you figure out a solution, or atleast that you won't let the situation drag you down.

Edited by Simon E
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What happened in the end is we had a one-sided argument in which she made herself a victim while I snarked to, I admit, abusive levels. Snark is the maximum level of aggressiveness to me. I could fist-fight someone and never lose my cool (it's just that I can't fist-fight for sh*t), but when I snark there's no mercy.  At certain point I felt thirsty after many reproaches and opened the fridge (which remember now it's in the living room and mostly empty). There was no water but there was a bottle of a non alcoholic liquor, so I settled for that. I checked the bottle regardless, saying outloud to myself "Non-alcoholic, right?". To which she answered: "No, but you could start with that."


Enraged, I walked towards the cupboard full of my father old bottles, poured myself a long shot of vodka, mixed it with the beverage while saying "Fuck you!" and gulped it down in front of her. Then, with my best Russell Crowe impersonation I faced her. "Well? Is it enough for you? Am I an alcoholic yet? Am I like my father now?"

That, perhaps, was overdoing.

It seemed to have an effect on her, the argument was over in two or three sentences. 

I like the idea of being a dialectic juggernaut but I can't fool myself: she's just an immature, intellectually mediocre, old-fashioned woman. What's the merit of beating her feelings to the ground? Not much, really. It's just my larger than life pride. When someone is dishonest, or falsely accuses me, or displays a dangerous and offensive level of ignorance, I just fucking have to obliterate and crush that person. My mother just has the bad luck or the lack of fucks given to keep doing that all the time. 

I have to make a decision. Is my mother a fool or is she pretending to be one? At her job she displays a level of cunning uncharacteristic of a fool, and usually avoids trouble by pretending to be one. So she must just not give a fuck about hurting my feelings then. The difference is important, I think I've explained this before. If she's mentally impaired, I can't get angry at her. It would be both useless and unfair. If she just doesn't give a fuck she's a toxic individual to avoid, regardless of coincidental blood kinships.

That's my "true" way of dealing with people, and not the rehearsed, tolerant, politically correct speech I usually display. That means I'm increasingly harsher with my loved ones the more I care about them and ultimately, I'm the harshest with myself. I woudn't ask anyone anything I wouldn't ask to myself. Problem is I tend to ask to myself a lot. I will have to work on that and perhaps someday I'll develop a softer, unexpecting approach to things and people alike. Of course, it will all depend on me, she won't need to do anything. Always a passive object, my mother. How can anyone live like that? I can't; that won't be me.

All parents teach something to their children. Some teach them by example how to not do things. If I ever am like my parents, I'll consider my life a failure. I want something else from life. I want dignity. And a clear conscience, with no regrets. That's basically the opposite to my parents.

Well, if that's the case I guess I have a big work ahead, right?

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