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Schwing

The Warrior's Infinite Opus

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134 days

Days porn free: 17

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk to

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study or read 1 hour
  • Art 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

None set. but my goal this week is to get my studying nailed

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • No journal post yesterday. I was having a bit of a breakdown. I didn't know what my life was going to be. I have an idea now and I feel great about it. I am saving up for a motorbike and I'm going to go some places. So that means no splashing out on CDs and metal merch. I have enough of the shit.
  • Got up late again. Damn my streak is growing. Unlike my duolingo streak. i need to keep on top of that.
  • I haven't been reading at all lately either.
  • I felt super indifferent today at school. Like i didn't know what I was doing. Now I feel a bit different about life let's see how I feel tomorrow.
  • Went for a run. tried running on my toes more. It's the natural way we are adapted to run. Sucks with my shoes though. Should buy some thin soled ones
  • ALMOST finshed coursework. Damn things feel like they are coming together. easter holidays on friday then studying for exams then i'm off to sri lanka with school
  • I have had SERIOUS porn urges these past few days. I absolutely crushed them!

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: run
  • Mental: studying, uni stuff
  • Spiritual: meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • This
  • My newfound dream
  • My mum for paying for my trip to sri lanka

What I have learnt from today:

  • I have something to live for now
  • Everything is in the dream

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Instead of reading manga and listening to metal at breaks- talk to other people.

Goal for tomorrow:

Get on duolingo

Goal for the month:

Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap

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So I've been on a 3 da hiatus- or should I say slow dark descent into bad habits and other crap. I relapsed on nofap. I betrayed my oath and everything and everyone I swore it upon. Every single fucking time my mind just blanks out and I do it. I hate it but I just forget. Well I also started to get depressed for the first time in fucking ages. Coincidentally I started getting up late and going to bed at stupid times. Not taking cold showers, or bioenergetics or working out. Just doing shitty school work. Shit week.

What do I even give a fuck about? Why do I even get out of bed in the morning? This dream I have of traveling and shit. Maybe that's just a pipe dream. Maybe every dream is a pipe dream but we have to keep puffing on it or we get withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms of not having the distraction from whatever arbitrary shit you are doing.

Do I want to make people happy? Why would I do that when people just make me sad? I even try but I suck at it. Even if I tried hardest and did it through art or some shit then I wouldn't be able to make any money and live...

Fuck I hate this system. Are we bent on persisting materially or pushing ourselves spiritually? MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP!!! What do you want me to fucking do? Get a job and just make money? Use your wonderful opportunities to live for what I love? Follow my dreams and all that shit? I would rather be running around with my dick out. With my tribe on the open plain. At least the only thing that mattered was the survival of you and your kin. But now I have to make my life fucking matter! This sucks!

All my dream is built on is the idea of running away. Escaping all this shit. Escaping this living breathing machine. I'll probably forget later. I'll probably just escape into whatever shit I find to distract myself with. I bought a metal hammer mag today. Came with a free slayer poster. And the black Dahlia Murder restocked their merch. Maybe all I am made to be is an android who eats and shits numbers,  hooked up to a drip. Injection of fantasy straight to the bloodstream. Maybe in the future we will beat this system as a race- reach some sort of technological nirvana. If the elite let us that is or we don't die a miserable death in the process. I suppose thats just life. Our collective innermost desire. Hope for a better future- a nirvana. But when we attain it what happens? When a man has all the riches he desires what then? When the Cygnus corporation discovered all the secrets of the universe what then? When Griffith attained his dream what then?

Sometimes I wish I didn't have the mind to think about this shit all the time and just live my life for random thing xyz.

Anyway for now I am going to sleep and just do whatever it is I'm doing with my life tomorrow.

Peace and fucking slayer

IMG_20170331_232841560.thumb.jpg.635ec69

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For the first time in my life i actually understand fight club.

They are slaves to the system. With nothing to hope for and nothing to care about. The main character is so insane he creates a projection of his innermost desire. To be a subversive bad ass who roams the world making a living doing random shit in a shitty house. He hangs around prostate cancer meetings so he can relish in their depression and feel like he has a reason to be depressed himself.

He then creates fight club and the programme to give purpose to his and the others lives. To let go. They take down the system in the end and just rip it all to shreds

Edited by Schwing

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138 days

Days porn free: 0

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Nothing

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study or read 1 hour
  • Art 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

None set. but i started working out again

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • I'm back! Fuck I relapsed on porn twice. I have decided I can't beat this on willpower alone. A warrior needs to use his wit and plan his approach. I'm charging my phone downstairs from now on from when I close the blind in my bedroom. I've also stuck software on my pc and phone so I can't watch porn. I made it to 20 days this time. Let's double that. Holy shit I just realised I relapsed one day before I would fulfil my monthly goal.
  • Today I got up pretty late but I was working late last night so ye.
  • Rethought my workout. Put some really brutal wrist stuff in there.
  • Slayed on duolingo
  • Made a case study for my detox for the site
  • Read some of my physics book. So confusing.
  • My mum bought me a book about this guy that went round the world on a motorbike in 4 years. (jupiter's travels) Should be a good read.
  • Relapsed to porn today!
  • Did a little art

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: workout
  • Mental: reading,art
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Easter holidays
  • Relapse for showing I was weak
  • People for supporting me

What I have learnt from today:

  • I can't beat my porn addiction on willpower alone. There is a demon inside me and it will do anything to gain control.
  • I have to keep consistent with my routine. it's not just for show

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Going to see my dad for the first time in 2 years.

Goal for tomorrow:

Be open around my dad. Entrust him more with my emotions.

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

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Welcome back bud! Try not to beat yourself up too much about relapsing, but do focus on what you can learn from it. I remember someone telling me many years ago when I was under training that - "It doesn't matter about the mistakes you made, but how you recover from them."

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139 days

Days porn free: 1

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Seeing my dad for the first time in two years

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study, Art or read 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

Did it. What a fucking mouthful. He was pretty unfazed though.

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up as late as I could. Been getting lazy lately. I was aching like a priest's testicles this morning (hahaah I just made that up. pretty good right?). But then BOOM. Did some basic stretches (scapular shrugs and shoulder rolls). GONE.
  • I went to see my father today. I understand him a lot more now. I still feel a little reserved around him though. He is a total nutcase! Totally free spirit. Most retarded sense of humour I have ever encountered. He started singing opera and reciting the tibetan alphabet as loudly as he could in the middle of the kitchen. HAH. I would have joined in if I wasn't so insecure. Damn.
  • There's a lot of cool people at that buddhist centre. maybe I will go for a weekend just for that and the nice area. Everything else sucks there though.
  • Learnt a lot today. Too much to share right now.
  • Came home and watched some shitty movie. The Equaliser.
  • Going to bed now. Going to study tomorrow and hammer down my sleep cycle.

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical:
  • Mental: learning tibetan
  • Spiritual: cold shower, stuff

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • My father ejaculating me into this cruel world all those years ago. I'm not even being funny. I'm grateful to just be alive. I'm grateful I am who I am by his design.
  • He gave me 200 quid. Going straight to my travel fund.
  • Sunshine
  • this

What I have learnt from today:

  • Stuff
  • My laptop is still unprotected from porn SHIT

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Getting up and studying. I don't fucking care if you are tired.

Goal for tomorrow:

Do some art.

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

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141 days

Days porn free: 3

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Working out whilst still having really sore arms from being given vaccinations injected yesterday

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study, Art or read 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

None set

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late again! Shit!
  • Felt pretty sluggish today.
  • Studied a bit. There's a lot I need to plough through this easter.
  • Worked out.
  • Sketched out another comic page
  • My mum had a foot operation today so I cooked dinner instead.
  • Started reading Spawn. On page 9 so far. Fucking sick!

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: workout
  • Mental: study, art, cooking
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Todd Mcfarlane
  • This

What I have learnt from today:

  • Starting to feel like I actually want to make comics. I can do that in my free time though. Let's hope work doesn't eat me up when I start.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Getting up and get studying. I don't fucking care if you are tired.

Goal for tomorrow:

Add some colour to comic page

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

Edited by Schwing

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There's a lot of cool people at that buddhist centre. maybe I will go for a weekend just for that and the nice area. Everything else sucks there though.

What sucked about it? I really want to visit a Buddhist centre or temple. They look like calming places you can centre yourself, filled with unassuming people. 

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There's a lot of cool people at that buddhist centre. maybe I will go for a weekend just for that and the nice area. Everything else sucks there though.

What sucked about it? I really want to visit a Buddhist centre or temple. They look like calming places you can centre yourself, filled with unassuming people. 

Basically- the centre is run by an extortionist cult. My great uncle geshi kelsang gyatso is the figurehead behind it. What they do is lure young people in saying shit like "don't bother with and education! don't bother getting a job! it's unimportant! just come here and pay for these amazing courses that will enrich you spiritually!". But then they end up falling out with their family and everyone in the cult and they get cast out with no life, no money, no qualifications no nothing. They don't let you have any books there other than those made by geshi kelsang. it's total censorship. Plus the whole place stinks and all the food in the kitchen is rotten.

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142 days

Days porn free: 4

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Nothing

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study, Art or read 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

Not complete! But still did it!

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late......AGAIN!
  • Tomorrow I have to get up early. No debate.
  • These past few weeks has just been me going about my routine haphazardly. Doing one thing here and one thing there.
  • Got a good bit of studying nailed down.
  • Read some of spawn
  • Did some more art
  • did the dishes

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: 
  • Mental: study, art, washing up
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • People who inspire me
  • Sunshine

What I have learnt from today:

  • Finish what I started. I chose to become an engineer. I can't turn back now.
  • I'm pretty inconsistent. Apart from in being grateful for metal every single day.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Getting up and get studying. I don't fucking care if you are tired. ACTUALLY FUCKING DO IT BALAAGAGHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Goal for tomorrow:

Finish your s1 maths papers! DO IT!

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

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143 days

Days porn free: 5

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Nottttttttthiiiiiinnngggg

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study, Art or read 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

Ah fuck! Nope. But I chugged through a lot and I am improving on the topic.

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late......A-fucking-gain
  • Damn I even woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go at 6:30 but I couldn't get my arse out the bed.
  • I made all my food myself today.
  • Studied a fuck ton
  • I listened to SO much stoner rock/metal today it's unreal. I listened to dope smoker twice! Killer workout tune.
  • Watched some TED talks.
  • Today a lot of my thinking fell into place. My world view seems to be settling on something now

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: workout
  • Mental: study, cooking
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Thinking
  • Being a total weirdo
  • Stoner metal

What I have learnt from today:

  • Women are needier than men and they are for a reason. It's not sexist- it's the truth. Because of the system, they seek approval from society and what they think is acceptable. They do this instead of seeking approval from the males that populate the tribe. They're wired to be more dependant as this is what secured them to a mate. One asserted (man) and one submitted (woman). Men just went out and killed shit and came back (provided they didn't die), grunted and flexed their muscles. Easy pussy! But no society says: "Hey woman! You're smart! You don't need a family! You just need to work! Make money! Taking care of husband is sexist! Marriage is a commodity! Kids are a commodity! Sex is a commodity!" The system fucks us all! But what the fuck do I know? I'm just a kid that doesn't even talk to women! Ignore me!
  • Autism is perhaps a genetic relic of our animal nature and is not a defect speaking in terms of who we are naturally meant to be.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Won't say it again. Get the fuck up on time.

Goal for tomorrow:

Draw comics! Lots of them!

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

Edited by Schwing

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Haha. nice one. Appreciate you keeping up the site and stuff. This may sound cheesy but you changed my life!

You changed conservetard to conservative! Hahahahahaha. This channel is alex jones level though. Good move anyways. Don't want to offend anyone. Politics doesn't come into this.

Edited by Schwing

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 You changed conservetard to conservative! Hahahahahaha. This channel is alex jones level though. Good move anyways. Don't want to offend anyone. Politics doesn't come into this. 

Legit thought it was a typo. I'm not on top of the lingo these days. haha. 

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143 days

Days porn free: 5

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Crawling out of the undergrowth absolutely drenched on an unsuspecting woman and her dog. unintentionally of course.

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Bioenergetics
  • Cold shower
  • Meditation
  • 50 exp duolingo
  • Physical activity
  • Study, Art or read 1 hour

Goal from yesterday done?:

Yes! Check it out

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late......but one hour earlier than usual
  • Studied. finsihed my papers
  • cooked some pasta
  • watch mushisi episode 1
  • went for a run
  • meditated by the usual stream. nice spot. very peaceful. I like to splash myself with the water. fun climb up the valley too. that's how I jumped out on that woman. Good thing i didn't get an algae on my head. Would have been some creature from the black lagoon shit going on otherwise
  • read some spawn
  • Drew some comic stuff
  • Surfed forums
  • Now to bed!

 Tasks and achievements:

  • Physical: run
  • Mental: study, cooking, art
  • Spiritual: cold shower, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Being in a really good mood lately
  • @destoroyah for always supporting me with my comics and stuff. Really has helped me grow.
  • nature
  • cold water
  • comics
  • cool people on the forums
  • cam for finish my case study

What I have learnt from today:

  • Good to not care what other's think about you.
  • Sunshine, meditation and exercise are the best drugs
  • A friend is perhaps something not of this world. Perhaps friends can only be temporary as a passing source of comfort in the long dark. Perhaps our souls are truly alone in this world. And even if they touch another's they may hold onto one another for a time. But eventually slip. For the currents of the material world destroy all things eventually.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Get up earlier.

Goal for tomorrow:

Finish a maths paper

Goal for the month:

Study hard for exams. Beat nofap

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