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Octsober

Octsober Country - Let's do this

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I think you need change you paradigm, your way of living, thinking, eating etc. You have bad attitude to life! Admit it! Start watching youtube videos on business, selfdevelopment. Try to find people who are on their way to become better persons and walking on this path of selfimprovement. You are great person with strong heart! I didn't know you but this is 100% true. You want to change something so you are here and you already started fighting for better future. Dont be ashamed, dont be afraid, love yourself and changle will appear. 

Hey again Onlysoul. 

Thanks for your support. I've been pretty low as of late. I've watched the link you've provided. Lots of great stuff there, thanks! 

I've been trying new things. Today I played a few games that I wouldn't normally play. After about maybe an hour I stopped because I was bored. Instead of playing a socially connected game, I tryed something more old fashion, that being a single player game. In the end, it's a waste of time to me. I think this is a good thing, I feel like meditating again, reading, or simply watching a movie.

I've been hungry for stories. Sometimes games can provide this, but games are stale to me. Lots of the same stuff I've already seen / done. Reading and movies on the otherhand, something different. OH and also graphic novels! I forgot about those.

But you're right Onlysoul - I'm trying to mix things up!   

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You can find great stories in reading! I was hooked on single player RPGs precisely for good stories. Sometimes I felt like I was playing a movie. At first, when you quit games, books will seem boring by comparison. But if you stick with it, you'll be surprised how much you start to enjoy reading.

Edited by Mettermrck

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You can find great stories in reading! I was hooked on single player RPGs precisely for good stories. Sometimes I felt like I was playing a movie. At first, when you quit games, books will seem boring by comparison. But if you stick with it, you'll be surprised how much you start to enjoy reading.

Hey Mettermrck, 

It's not that books are boring to me, it's just I've been gaming waaaaaay too much as a crutch. I have a stack of books about 7 high. I read I swear! 

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As of now, I haven't played a game in three days. At times I want too, but I understand by doing that I'll very likely be back to square one. 
This brings me to my other dilemma. I've been creating board / card games for the past 2.5 years. I've reached the production phase (which they say is the hardest part, and it is) for one project which has caused for me to put the breaks on design for the time being. 

To me, people seem the enjoy it, but I don't really find it to be anything special. People tell me its because I'm the creator so it will never be perfect, which is OK. At this point I just want to be done with it, so I've been considering publishing options. In by putting this on the back burner in a way, I've recently tried going back to writing this pilot for a comic / graphic novel I had brewed about for a bit. I started it yesterday, but unlike my ability to design tabletop stuff, I just lose interest. I know I have ideas that mean something to me in a storytelling medium but I don't enjoy the process of writing a story. I've tried this for a long while years ago. Didn't mind it when it was just spit balling, but its become serious now. I'm still considering plugging away at it casually but I'm not sure I'll see it through to the end yet. 

I've started meditating again and have been going to the gym. My new job is pretty stressful as it's serving at a private owned local bar / restaurant in town. It's extremely fast paced with a lot on the server that they're responsible for. I'm not sure how long I can last at this place, as I currently dread going in and it's only day 2 today. 

I can't help but feel utterly lost. I've distanced myself more from my core group of friends, as I haven't been really meshing with them as of lately. I feel mostly alone but I feel that I want to be alone because of this. Have you guys felt similar on your journey? 

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Yes, I have felt alone. Gaming really isolated me along with my other issues. When I quit the games, it was like peeling off a bandage and all this pus coming out. I felt utterly, crushingly alone. I cried at night...still tense up sometimes. I have to force myself to reach out to people. I schedule time to text and call folks. I will say that it does get better if you work at it. Don't give in to despair and relapse.

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Being in a toxic environment really doesn't help one's way of becoming more actualized. In fact, from my understanding it prevents it outright. 

I'm 28 and still live at home. I really can't take the pressure they put on me to work full time. What does working a full time job mean anything important? I've done this for the past 10 years of my life and nothing has changed in regards to whatever they think will help me. 

I'm tired of this crap.

Since May it's only gotten worse. I feel as there is no hope. I have no direction. My step father has noticed that I've been gloomy lately and simply says to "get out of it" like it's a switch that can be turned on and off. I'm by all means not saying my family is nasty (slightly malicious at times however) but they are generally preoccupied with their own thing and have done about 40% work as parents in my past. I believe this lead me to turn to video games to get the remainder of 60% of whatever I was missing, be that emotionally, mentally, etc . I'm not pointing fingers, but it's infuriating trying to have any sense of self worth when you're told out right or subtly you're doing noting with your life. When I fail, I feel it 10x more so than should be the case.   

Quitting games is one thing. But I'm at my wits end between the amount of pressure I have from my folks. I'm not unaware of my predicament, it's as they're trying to help in a way only they see how, but in doing so is only adding more to the issue. I work these nothing jobs for what? A few dollars in my pocket? There's not long term sustainability.

Guys, I'm losing it big time here. As a human being do I realistically have this many shortcomings? No. But living with these people I feel like I can't be myself. I noticed this feeling big time when I came back from Ireland. Coming back home was like coming back into the mud.  

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Umm.. just hang in there... I have no idea what to tell you.. because of my lack of experience.. I hope you figure out how to deal with this problem. :)

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Where are you at with your detox? I'm wondering what kind pf withdrawal symptoms you might be wrestling with in the short term. I'm not sure if you thought about talking with your parents and tell them where you're at, tell them you're trying to quit games, talk about where you want your life to go?

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Where are you at with your detox? I'm wondering what kind pf withdrawal symptoms you might be wrestling with in the short term. I'm not sure if you thought about talking with your parents and tell them where you're at, tell them you're trying to quit games, talk about where you want your life to go?

I think I lasted... 5-8 days? Not to say that it's irrelevant, but I've quit for 110 days before. It's different today however. I wasn't playing anything when I was able to quit. I came back after my detox for a game I wanted to play, finished it then didn't really play anything until May of that year. I can muscle through the short term symptoms but I honestly don't feel as I want to quit as of now and I know this is very likely going to come across as denial. Probably even is. The things that are setting me over the edge aren't games, it's life. Job situation, more pressure from my folks, feelings of defeat from my previous project(s). This causes me to hide away, unfortunately games are the thing helping more than hurting at the moment. 

I've had a bit of a 360 happen in the last few days. I was having a conversation with my family and they seemed to understand I'm not doing too well emotionally. I then had a conversation with my father about streaming games. The conversation came up pretty randomly. "If I am going to play, may as well be productive" about it was more or less the driving point. I have the green light to give it a go. I've been VERY skeptical, but everyone around me seems very supportive to try it. I'm planning on giving myself (6) months. Now I'm no fool and know what this looks like. I'm not going to deny this is probably not the best of ideas. However, I feel that something positive may come of it. I consider the actual playing of games as a front for socializing and even marketing my business / creative work(s). As Twitch features IRL and Creative avenues, I can gauge my viewers and deliver accordingly. 

The only downside is I lose (6) months time and a little under / over $300. The positives? Socialization, sharing of ideas from my business / creative works, possible growable income, possible growth via branding, sense of value. There's simply more to gain than lose. Devils advocate being it's a greater risk of failure is the only thing I can think of.  

I currently play games to escape because I feel alone. If I'm not alone while streaming, I feel there's a good starting point. I wont just be playing games, I'll be working.  

I'm expecting the response to this to be... well expected haha. Either way I appreciate your support guys! 

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As you've identified, it's not about games for you. It's about what games facilitate. Now, streaming may help you socialize more and feel less alone, or to talk to people about your creative ideas, and that's all good and positive - if you can maintain streaming as a function of being productive for work and not simply justifying it as "work" - but if you truly want to experience less of the situation you find yourself in, and more of whatever it is that you are trying to achieve (this would be important for you to identify, what is your vision?), then finding a balanced way of approaching your situation is important. So yes, streaming may help you with that, but what would happen tomorrow if you suddenly no longer had the capacity to stream, game, or use the internet? Would everything fall apart? It's good to avoid putting all of your eggs in one basket. Regardless of whether you stream, how can you also invest some of your other time to transform the aspects of your life that you feel a need to escape from? How can you find a way to socialize without streaming? How can you move out of your parents place of which you've written is a toxic environment - instead of staying there playing victim? How can you develop a healthy foundation of habits that empower you to feel your best every day? How can you develop a healthy self-esteem that comes from within, allowing you to need nothing but yourself to feel your best? These are all questions I would sit with, journal, and reflect on as you go forward, if you desire something else than what you're currently experiencing. The answers exist, and the capacity to achieve them within you.

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Well, I hope your plan bears fruit. I know everyone's path is different. Keep us posted as to how you're doing!

Mettermrck, I appreciate your feedback here man. I'll very much keep tabs here. 

As you've identified, it's not about games for you. It's about what games facilitate. Now, streaming may help you socialize more and feel less alone, or to talk to people about your creative ideas, and that's all good and positive - if you can maintain streaming as a function of being productive for work and not simply justifying it as "work" - but if you truly want to experience less of the situation you find yourself in, and more of whatever it is that you are trying to achieve (this would be important for you to identify, what is your vision?), then finding a balanced way of approaching your situation is important. So yes, streaming may help you with that, but what would happen tomorrow if you suddenly no longer had the capacity to stream, game, or use the internet? Would everything fall apart? It's good to avoid putting all of your eggs in one basket. Regardless of whether you stream, how can you also invest some of your other time to transform the aspects of your life that you feel a need to escape from? How can you find a way to socialize without streaming? How can you move out of your parents place of which you've written is a toxic environment - instead of staying there playing victim? How can you develop a healthy foundation of habits that empower you to feel your best every day? How can you develop a healthy self-esteem that comes from within, allowing you to need nothing but yourself to feel your best? These are all questions I would sit with, journal, and reflect on as you go forward, if you desire something else than what you're currently experiencing. The answers exist, and the capacity to achieve them within you.

Cam! Great to hear from you. Really appreciate your response.  

Correct - Streaming may help, or do completely nothing. I agree with you on having it be actual productive work whereas an excuse to game. I think of my time spent while streaming as work. To be honest, I'm not even sure how to game for as long as I need to for my schedule, so it's likely it may become more of an IRL / Creative channel. 

I have to disagree with you however Cam on putting my eggs into one basket here. To me, it feels I'm only opening up a bit more. Sure I can stream game play, but the benefits that come from opening the other doors I foresee that can be opened, seem to out-weigh the negatives. My devils advocate for you is you can say the same about any job really, more so even for regular employment today. Most of what drives me into this path is the ability to make it mine and not have to bow to a manager / boss.  

Transforming my life occurs, over time in following this streaming path. I lift the stigma my folks have for me while playing games, as now that time is being used productively. Becoming socially active with those that watch the stream helps in building more self worth in that I am no longer just playing alone. I am generally quite social outside of gaming / streaming regardless, as I work as a server. Social gathering take priority over game time when I am not streaming.   

Moving out is a little different. I work part time as a server and own a business. I think of streaming as a way to expand my foundations. Depending on how things go while streaming, I would expect to move out in the next year and a half. Is it a toxic environment? 60% of the time it is, but this is because my folks are frustrated and only want to see I do well. It's inconsistently toxic and I was speaking previously from a bad place. But still, I agree with you. I don't wish to play victim. I take full responsibly. This still will not change over night and I will need to be patient with the process even if I wasn't streaming. 

All and all the personal development parts of your response, to me, feels as if it can be explored in choosing this path. As I've said it's only (6) months to see. If it doesn't work I move on and probably will move away from games. There would be no reason to play anymore if it's nonproductive and distracting. I watched your link on vision. I have a vision on starting this out. I've done my homework and If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it well. I have a vision for my creative ventures as well that can possibly be subsidized by this.

 I've tried my best to answer back honestly as possible. 

 

  

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All and all the personal development parts of your response, to me, feels as if it can be explored in choosing this path.

Yes, and that is precisely my point. Regardless of whether you pursue the streaming opportunity or not, it's continuing to do the work around personal development that will help you achieve the "results" you're looking for. 

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All and all the personal development parts of your response, to me, feels as if it can be explored in choosing this path.

Yes, and that is precisely my point. Regardless of whether you pursue the streaming opportunity or not, it's continuing to do the work around personal development that will help you achieve the "results" you're looking for. 

Of course - I feel as doing the streaming doesn't seem to be the best of options, however I don't really have any other options that come to mind to focus on. I'm not sure what to put my energy towards. I'd love to move out of my parents place, but that would require that I make a bit more. I don't personally see the value in working for a regular company. I've got a bunch of question marks at the moment. 

Just be careful, Oct. I know you're taking your time with this decision and I wish you the best.

I'm being extra cautious. I'm really not sure what's going to come of this or if it will even happen. I really just want to start getting back to growing again instead of running around in circles. I appreciate your support Mettermrck. 

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I don't think I'm going to do it. I think the clear difference is understanding the amount of anxiety I have thinking about streaming vs not. I'd say those who do it and do it well do so because they love it.  I don't feel as if it makes sense following this streaming path. In fact, I feel more justified selling all my gaming gear and not really playing anymore.

Talk about 360 (again). Just seems to make more sense to me this way. 

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I don't think I'm going to do it. I think the clear difference is understanding the amount of anxiety I have thinking about streaming vs not.

Learning to listen to your body is a game-changer. 

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I'm sure that was a tough call, Oct. Yes, when I get anxiety about a decision or a path, I call it "turbulence". That's how I know something is probably not a good idea. 

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As of now I've taken a step back. I feel that not streaming is OK. I'm working on getting a loan so I can produce some copies of my card game to sell.

I think its time to make moves. 

 

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Hey guys, 

Been a little while. I've moved away from the streaming route entirely for now. I'm slowly chipping away at my card game, but something has been going well for me recently. 
I've played dungeon and dragons since I was young with my family, from then on I started dungeon mastering. I create all my own content. I design the world, create the stories, and try to bring the whole thing to life on paper. It feels great to be able to flex my creative mussles in a relaxed  state. I'm doing it for fun and my new group has taken very well to it in the process. 

It feels more natural to me to follow this Storyteller path. I feel that I can grow and experience things that suprise and enlighten me along the way.  I feel like the time I put into  making somehting feels far better than just consuming. I know Cam has done a bunch of vids on this. 

I think the most important thing about what I'm saying here is that, by listening to my inner compass it's pointing more toward a creative direction. It makes sense and it feels great to say this. I still currently play games, but I've been really limiting myself to competitive games. I'm tired of being frustrated in this psychological loop of disapointment and feelings of wasted time. Some of the games I've brached out into are more narritively driven experiences that I enjoy at my leisure. 

It feels like I'm slowly getting my mind back on track to the things that make me my best.  

Edited by Octsober

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