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Octsober

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Everything posted by Octsober

  1. Day 89, 26 Books for the year. I've been closely reviewing my relationship with my company and I'm seriously considering pivoting into graphic novels. I've struggled throughout the years, on getting the mechanics of the board games I've made, to what I find acceptable. It's also possible I've somehow taken some negative aspect of how I work on my stuff, similarly to how I played games. It's been a hard question: What do I really value? I've founded my company on this world I've made and refined over the years. Why not just convert to a medium where the focus is the story? Makes sense right? Business / creative stuff aside, I feel something's missing. I've yet to find another medium that recharges my batteries, so I've been more uneasy / easily spent. I've been dealing with this large weight of what to do. I'm 32 and i'm unemployed. I'm not broke and I'm pretty good with my finances. What concerns me most is, once again, falling into this trap of working a job I just don't care about. I want to do something that provides value, long term, and not just for me, but for others. If you're on this path, take a look on what matters to you, and start there (sheesh, sounds like I should take my own advise :D). All the best, -Oct
  2. I'd recommend what @TheNewMe2.0 suggested. Meditation is very powerful. Try and find substitutions for facebook and discord. It may be difficult, especially with covid, but there's always a path forward if you're willing to find it.
  3. @WhoCares As you've said it yourself, it's not that games are the issue for you, but rather a game like Overwatch. Take a moment to dig into that a bit more. What is it about a game like Overwatch do you like? You';ve shown that you are quite skilled at the game, placing top 500. I myself have played OW and don't have the skill you had, but ask yourself, how is this skill in OW translating in the real world? How was playing this specific game directly impacting me? I would consider looking at other master games, such as chess or perhaps a sport. It appears that you're able to quit playing, but eventually the need to have the essence of what you enjoyed about your experience returns. Try and really discover what that is and see if it's possible to substitute it.
  4. Day 79, 21 books for the year. Back at the gym. Been reading up on how to run a Kickstarter. Odd question: How can you tell what you're doing is what really fires you up / sticks? I've been running my business since 2016 within the tabletop games field. I'm not the greatest designer, but what I do enjoy is creating stories and worldbuilding. As I've been on this path of quitting video games, I've been asking myself a very hard question: Is tabletop design the last bastion of what video games was to me? I'm unsure if this is ultimately true, but I do obsess over getting my current game right, mostly because of the uncertainty over small details/game balance. This is a double-edged sword for me, as running my company has been the one thing that has stuck with me. Maybe it's fear? Fear of trying to get this year right. I've gone to Kickstarter before and failed miserably (and rightfully so). As I'm still currently unemployed, using this opportunity to really take my company seriously seems like the right move. In the end, I just want to tell the truth and give something back. I want to provide something valuable and do cool stuff. Hope you're all working toward the things that fulfill you. -Oct
  5. Day 61, Hey all - still managing to stay away from games. It's odd really. I didn't actually intend on quitting for a prolonged period, but I do like being outside the loop. A group of my friends have been playing WoW, but I've been able to understand doing that wouldn't provide any value to me. I'm at 18 books for the year. I like being able to read and when I do find the time to socialize, it helps me facilitate conversation (sometimes). Though all this reading i've been really asking myself what I want to do next. I really don't want to work another job just for the sake of having a job. I've been taking the spare time I have currently to try and work more on my company. At this rate, I may be able to finish a project by summertime, but we'll see what happens. I use this place as a sort of digital journal. However, if anyone is reading this just know that you're here for a reason. Hear yourself out and try to give yourself some time to figure that out. It's about the journey not the destination. Keep at it -Oct
  6. Hey Jason, Thanks for your words. I've been doing a little better with the emptiness, but today has been a bit intense. I have this feeling of hopelessness. I feel there's still apart of me on a wrong path or that something isn't in place. I have a lot of free time so it's easy to get stuck in deep thought. My current relationship as been rocky. My gf games and takes life slowly, where as i'm looking to make moves and really better myself. Is there a thing with being in an environment that diverges from what you want? I'm not blaming her, it's just I try and push her to be a little better and it's often met with resistance / complacency. There's more layers here, but I'll say it's a complex issue that doesn't need to be one, but is. Not good to say, but part of me feels trapped. It's not a bad trapped, but not good either, just 'bleh'. Those of you that share relationships with someone close to you, do you often feel as if you are 'on the same page'? Regardless - I continue to read, workout, and take the time to try and invest in myself. Thanks again Jason, best to you.
  7. Day 44, I'm 14 books in for the year. A mixture of fiction and writing. I've joined a writing group, thus far we meet every other Monday. I've signed up for a game design master class (specifically tabletop games) in regards to moving my business forward. There's a lot of things i've been doing to help myself improve myself, but yet, I can't help but feel empty. Not quite sure why that is? Maybe my brain reconfiguring itself? One thing I can say is that it feels better to finish books rather than games, even though when I did game, I'd only play one game. Keep on keeping on. All the best, -Oct
  8. Day 26, I've read 9 books since the new year. I average about 100 pages a day. Feels great to be focused again in this old art. Started writing again. Focused more on being active. Overall self investment. Though my initial anxieties are thoughts concerning finding work, what that work is, and what I intend to do with my current girlfriend. These are two big questions I don't quite have the answer to, but I do know that what I feel current when around my gf isn't very positive, something I've been taking account of and intend to make a decision in May when our lease is up. Things feel lighter now. It feels that I am able to make decisions more clearly. I hope that I am able to invest in myself enough so that I can, one day, help others. Hope all of you are finding the answers to your questions on this path. Wishing well. -Oct.
  9. Hey Cam - I appreciate it. I'm actually doing rather well. Haven't gamed in 18 days. Reading a ton. Feels pretty good. Hope you're well.
  10. Another update here, Lost my job on Wednesday, performance related. Dealing with the fallout mentally.
  11. Correct - Board games. Video games are what I'm looking to stop. I approach board games drastically differently. The situations I'm referencing are in relation to my current job and my relationship with my girlfriend. As I've not played a video game in about a week-in-a-half, it's been a little easier to deal with. Right at this moment. I'm considering my position as a table-top designer. I feel as if i'm not cut out for this work, as it's been about five years and I've only been able to produce one product while having four other games that ended up unmade. I'm unsure how to get through this burnout. It's been stressful to deal with.
  12. I can say as of now, I'm certainly doing better. Hm - as for Wisdom. I can say this. I often retreat into games when I find a situation in my life without answer(s). I'm a tabletop game designer and the current project I was/am working on has been causing me a fair bit of stress. I don't have any answers to how to solve these problems I've been having with it, but I feel I'm ready to do something about it, whatever it is. Also, I had some life things that also caused stress, further adding to the retreat. Basically, if you end up playing games similar to this way, your best bet is to not become distracted. Eventually what you run away from, will catch up to you. One way or another.
  13. Hey all, It's been a while. Just wanted to check in and say that I feel crazy right now. This past year I've spend 820 hours in the game destiny 2. I just deleted my account off steam. I feel extremely anxious, but I know what I've done is for the best. That's all for now. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Hope you're all doing well. Welcome to 2021.
  14. Consider your options here. It's going to be difficult, really difficult to stop playing while in a relationship with a gamer. However, it's perfectly understandable that you would want to maintain your relationship regardless. What you're going to have to look at here is, what do you want? What do you really want out of life. Take some time and ask yourself why it is you think you game. Well all have our own reasons. At the end of the day, we've all decided it's better that we don't game, otherwise why come to this community. I know this may not be the best advise, but while gaming, try to show yourself some compassion. When you retreat from gaming from a negative motivation, it's a lot harder to maintain. Try and find positive reasons to substitute your gaming experience with. Be that a feeling or another activity. I often recommend board games as a stepping stone and or joining a local sport. The thing with this kind of addiction is that it never 100% goes away but it absolutely changes and for the better.
  15. I've been paying close attention to my current situation. Do I like games? Sure, sometimes. Do I need to play them? No, not really. My current reasoning for gaming is to escape from my current situation: I'll likely be out of a job by the end of the year due to downsizing within the company. I've been failing to run my business well. I feel as if I'm in no position to date, meaning I'm not really as independent now (living at home, but I pay rent). I'm really trying to do better in regards to why I come here. I really don't want to come here and complain. Complaining isn't productive. In a way, it's a sort of self therapy. I would be seeing my counselor but as I don't have insurance they accept and the cost to do so isn't feasible this is unfortunately not an option. I did a bit of a four year assessment this morning. I feel as if I've maybe walked two steps from where I was four years ago and that's really disappointing. This realization has helped me really understand why I've thrown myself back into gaming. The big reasoning being: Connection. Fortunately I still meditate daily and work our three days a week as I've done so for 61 weeks now. I've scanned this entire thread a few times and I notice one difference when I stopped the first time. This was before I started my business and I can remember the difference in ease during this time. I guess with any difficult journey there's some pit falls along the way. Just trying to simplify my life right now. -Oct
  16. Hey, I just wanted to say that I've failed in quitting. I went back and played some game for a few hours to log off and feel terrible. There's a fair amount of unknowns in my life right now, so it's hard to see what's going right. I've been under a lot of pressure while under this recent hiatus. Now I'm looking at what my next step is. Though I wish you all the best on your journey. I'll still check in here and there. -Oct.
  17. Day 19, Two days away from day 21 - a good point in breaking any habit. I must admit, I've been more depressed than usual as of lately. I take this as literally removing any form of dopamine producing activity (well more or less gaming). I've been assessing my current life and have been meaning on taking more extreme measures this year. I'm going to try and get into computer networking, as the pay is good and I've always had a general interest. On top of this i'm seriously considering why I own a business. I'm by all means not motivated by having one as I'm at heart, a creative. I'm going to give my next project the proper attention then whatever happens happens and I'm going to cut back on spending within the company as it's done nothing these last four years but be a money sink. Now for the bad news. I was speaking with a friend who said a large group of friends are going to play World of Warcraft Classic come July. At first I said to this friend that was a terrible Idea, but then I began to feel all the community and good times that were had in the past (obv strong nostalgia pulls). I'm now highly considering going down this route, fully aware that I'll likely lose 6 months to two years of time in doing so. However, even as I write this I'm doing so with as much mindfulness as possible. I absolutely do not want to fall into bad habits again, but at the same time I'm absolutely tired of being alone and unable to re-energize off of games. I currently do not have a purpose that I can achieve within my current situation, nor do I have any indication on what steps to take and or where to go. I'm not trying to justify this behavior. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. I'm going to meditate over this for the new few months until the day comes. Until then I'll choose on what I'll do. But until then I won't game. -Oct
  18. Day 16, Still going strong. Gets a little easier every day. Not much of an update aside. (oh right, avengers was good! Sparked a lot of creative energy!) -Oct
  19. @Cam Adair Wow, really nice touch with the Alert navigation. Super helpful!
  20. Well I wouldn't say never acceptable. It's more like changing habits like picking weeds in a sense. I understand where you're coming from, but happiness for me at this time is fleeting. It's more about fulfillment, in a way to deal with the hardships of my personal struggle. I will however, try and see what I can do in regards of negotiating with my professionalism. Though this in itself, even thinking about it, makes me a bit anxious haha. I also agree with you in opening up with close family and friends, but unfortunately where I live it's a very competitive environment / culture. I'm surrounded by many combative folk, mostly mentally, though it's extra taxing for me now given my current position. Also being 'sensitive' doesn't help.... Honestly, really digging into my current situation, I believe my relationship with games pales in comparison to this immense loneliness I've been experiencing, though it's likely a by-product. I have no active solutions in place that would allow for me to connect organically with others. Being intense at times certainly doesn't help. I've been trying to reach out to others via my industry (board games), but it would appear a slow process. But still, day 12 and no games. Going to be interesting what this week is going to look like. Why do I feel like the villain in someone else's story. -Oct.
  21. I host my site on another platform, so if I were to use their store feature, it would run me $20 (taxes excluded) so about $240+ /year. I totally agree with you that I need to adjust the website, but there's no real reason to do so at this moment. I wouldn't say I'm 100% but I have a sense of direction for sure. Time will tell. What kind of game you talkin?
  22. @AssellusPrimus Thanks for your input! I've absolutely had a counselor in the past, but the only downside is that I don't have insurance (USA)... So getting help in this way isn't cost effective. It is not that I can't weather this hardship now, but it's only a matter of time before it becomes harder to do so. Although this isn't the worst. I've actually been doing well. A lot of the self-development people I listen too via youtube generalize suffering as a way to necessary growth. Given my current predicament, I can see how this makes sense ?
  23. Thanks for the feedback here @JustTom. It's def helps when someone on the outside provides some guidance looking in. Believe it or not, I actively do most of these things you've suggested. Most people outside of the event I go to, can't be bothered with my products yet, as I'm technically a nobody. And I don't say this to discredit myself, its more of an honest, no one has done business with me as much just yet. Being social has been my Achilles heel. I'm naturally not motivated by getting out on social media. But as a business owner, I've been getting more and move comfortable doing so. I do very much agree with growing rather than selling (predominately). Hey now! Don't hate my google form Q_Q. You would be surprised how much overhead an online store runs when no one buys from it. ?
  24. Day 9, I've been looking to further understand the root cause of why I had gamed the way I have in the past. From my understanding, this kind of addiction is due to the lack of connection. Removing games has made this realization more prevalent. My current mood is that of deep loneliness that cascades upon further feelings of despair. How can I best shape my future? What can I do in the immediate to better my success? I often deal with a lot of this 'catch-up' pressure. Whereas I feel I've been sedated by games for so long, the steps I need to take now seems bewildering. This and exiling myself from others has made a sense of heavy burden upon myself, which is mostly due to my perfectionism. While gaming, goals were often easy to achieve. Now, without these simple guidelines to follow, I've been navigating a sort of chaos. Although I suspect this feeling will improve in time, I find it hard to find a substitute for this pick-me-up that was gaming at this time. What can someone do when they feel both their mental and physical deteriorate? The most logical thing is to seek medical attention, but as I'm from the states and without insurance, this is not applicable. I find it uniquely funny. Living in the US has this 'survival of the fittest' vibe. But what actually determines the extent of fit. I'm likely rambling at this point, mostly because I feel unwell. Ambushed from multiple angles, although I still won't game. But hey, if you've read this I wish you the best on your path. -Oct.
  25. Decent money? Not yet, but I hope to think so one day. I like to think it's growing, but it's doing so slowly, as I do pretty much all the work. Ah, this is likely because there's a google docs order forum there. It didn't make much sense just yet to set up an internal store. Day 6, Been working more on my projects as of late, but I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. Perhaps it has caught up with me, as I would often bury myself in games as a way of hiding from or accepting the illusion of socialization through gaming online. I've been trying to play-test my current card game I've been developing since 2017. I'm at the point where I need others to play it to really get it where I would like it to be. This currently hasn't been happening as much as I would like, which has been weighing down on me mentally. You see, I make a terrible living at my current job, which I'll probably lose at the end of the year (if not sooner) due to internal company adjustments. I like to think of my company as my way out. That I can do something that makes sense to me and make a decent living. I guess the reality is that I've been doing this since 2015 and don't have very much to show for. I do just about all of it myself and I think it's starting to catch up to me. Although, I can't say I'll stop. Just today, I was trying to test with a family member of mine. Prior to sitting down, they were complaining about their experience in an online game. This attitude ultimately bled over to the session, as the gameplay is a little unstable in certain respects. I literally had no patience for this type of behavior and ended our session. They went back to playing their online game. Being outside of playing games makes it really hard not to judge the people that do play games when that act irrationally, complain, or just get angry. It's really not fun being around these people. I want to be around people that are energizing! Kinda a bad day, but I guess it could be worse. -Oct