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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


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Oh wow, so it has been a while :p. LIFE UPDATE & stats: - Sober for almost 15 months now - Keto for 1 month &  been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before

Ohhh my, a strange liquid fell on my cheek. So proud of you... sis? Has a strange ring to it, has it not? But not in a bad way, at all. The things that happen in this place  Really clumsy with my

Consider me in the indifferent section :D. Good job on improving so much and facing your life head-on. - Sober for almost 15 months now - Keto for 1 month &  been paleo with intermittent

nothing will never ever feel as good as playing wow, eating pizza with hot sauce, and drinking beer. nothing. ever. its possible that ill get to 50% of that or maybe 65? but the problem with 65 is that you feel pretty good, and you know how to feel ever better. instantly. so really the best solution not to relapse is to feel as average as possible

a hipster on youtube in an 1 hour video in front of a large audience said hes a geek. he had problems operatig power point. whatever.he also said that monks are the happiest people of all. like no comparison to anyone else they focus on the now and meditate and dont get phased if crap happens. great.

i guarantee you id put these monks to shame instantly right now if you wired me the money to play wow until i die. no problem at all. and im sure of it. nothing comes close and nothing ever will.

i wont fuck up now. i have enough of self preservation in me not to. this is not how being a fuck up works. people dont understand that. let me illustrate

you know how people drink their entire lives yet somehow get by and dont really live as bums? well thats because they dont really drink ALL the time. they drink. and then they quit for a couple of months. do some work, get some stuff in order. maybe get a girlfriend. preferably one they can leech off but it doesnt really matter. then drink again and again. thats the ways its done. its not like the human body can handle getting hammaered all day every day for very long. people like this die. soon. they die young.

so being a fuckup is kinda like this. i already know for a fact. the moment i get the money and get some stuff going for me ill be back back back back back back back. i cant wait. its going to be great. other people will waste their time posting about their habits and how theyre grateful for whatever while ill be having the time of my life. idiots.

then theres this 90 day thing. try 90 days and see hwo you feel then. well look.

this may work for some, but lets be serious here. we all know what the deal is. the deal is to stop gaming forever. it is whats required to have any hope at all. if you dont stop gaming forever all your effort is for naught ................ so meh.

i mean alcoholics do the same thing. they say: one day at the time. yeah really do you think im retarded. you fool yourself its one day at the time while theres a huge fucking chasm of your entire life in front of you. and you cannot ignore it. and its a good thing i dont truly like alcohol. but i want to play wow. and i will never stop wanting to play it. never.

its all white knuckling every day. and its right there.

maybe i should go and live in a forest or something.

so

yeah i wont play for a couple of months or maybe even a year

yeah ill get some skills and experience and itll be fun and also hard but rewading at the end. i hope at least.

ill probably meet some cool people

but when im set up

when i have enough money just to live a minimal lifestyle for a year + some emergency cash

then its bye bye

and i knew this all along. im really just being honest.

the only reason im typing this is because i want to reinstall right now and i cant and so im here.

people look at old addicts with disdain but really they dont understand theyve probably all tried to quit many times and failed. it just isnt possible for some people. i dont know why. no one knows. if i knew id be rich. and i wouldnt be here. id be playing.

Edited by Marchosias
can you believe i bother editing this crap
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ok i guess make that two years not one year

because whats one year? nothing.

pls dont take this post super seriously im just venting. i do mean it though. every word. but its not like i need and sort of advice or that im in danger im not. you cant really give me any advice, ive read too much self help for it not to sound unimpressive. i honestly appreciate it and i love this forum but please dont. thank you for your time.

Edited by Marchosias
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Interesting. How do you know that nothing will ever be better than WoW? How do you know that after 90 days or 6 months or a year that your brain won't have normalized and games won't hold the same appeal? Have you gone for those periods of time yet?

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I remember going on huge game binges and being thoroughly amused and stimulated.  But at the same time I wasn't happy.  I was depressed and anxious.  I learned that being entertained and being happy are very separate things.  I still seek out entertainment in various forms, but it's easier for me to get back to business when I need to because I know that going about that is what makes me happy and entertainment is my what I do to rest from that.

Also, I love that you just put your frustrations out there.  I can tend to hide mine if I'm not vigilant about staying honest.

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I've decided to lower my expectations a bit today. I wont even attempt to start with more intensive working out, and I've kicked myself out of ketosis today. Some other stuff will wait as well. Why? Well, it'd simply be too much. Plus I need to be realistic and understand that I've already done a lot.

There was a time in my life when I had to debate with myself whether to get drunk or not. Last night, I've struggled with deciding about staying in ketosis for about two hours at 4 AM (I slept perhaps an hour), yet I've just decided not to waste willpower on it at the end. There are far more important things I can spend it on.

Ketosis is great for me though. Even today when I've gone to get my hair cut, I've chatted with the hairdresser for 10 minutes after the job was done, which is something I've never done before. And even when buying the food to kick myself out of keto, I approached a confused couple that couldn't decide on which hot sauce to buy and gave them advice.

In my country, approaching strangers and chatting with them is fairly uncommon -- when it happens, it's usually either about selling something or asking for help -- but I just couldn't let them buy the cheap and crappy sauce.

Ketosis has so many benefits: both mental and physical. But if you don't want to eat rather bland food while in it, you need a bit of cash to buy things like macadamia nuts, blue cheese, good quality shrimps and seafood in general, etc. It can be done on a budget, but it just sucks that way.

I'm definitely going back though.

So ...

I adjusted my expectations to a realistic levels.

I gave myself some credit for staying sober and WoW free + working on the stuff that'll keep the lights in my apartment on in 3 months.

I've probably read that somewhere; I'm also sure there's some guy who's made millions by writing a book about it. It probably includes just these two thoughts with heaps of clever copywriting, storytelling, design, and marketing. Great job.

PS: Looked even more into present perfect tense vs present simple tense. I know how to do it right, but using present perfect most of the time just looks awkward as fuck. I don't know. I should maybe make up my own rules for informal use.

PPS: Thank you for your kind comments. Will reply over the weekend.

ZLbJhBL.png

Pictured: me breaking keto with mai waifu

 

Edited by Marchosias
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  • 3 weeks later...

O hi.

Mixed news update.

On the bright side, I'm still alive and not engaging in any sort of destructive behavior.

On the not so bright side, my mood and energy levels are still low and even seem to be decreasing slightly. I tend to wake up around 5 AM, which gives me a few hours of moderate productivity, but too often I end up exhausted around noon and just spend the rest of the day trying to read, watch movies, or just shitpost.

I think I'll have to go back to keto. This high carb thing is great on one hand (carbs will always feel nice), but I think I'm one of those people that just get way too inflamed by anything resembling a standard diet. I'm currently fasting again (day 4), and I already feel way, way better. I intend to do if for a few days more -- maybe eat some coconut butter ...

I also think I could benefit from professional help. Sadly, the only free help I can get right now includes a lot of personal attacks and medication. It would basically mean groveling in front of my former therapist and probably parents too, and the entire deal would be so unproductive I don't even want to get further into it.

But feeling like this obviously isn't anywhere near normal. If everyone were like this, the entire civilization would collapse in a matter of weeks (if not days).

Bright stuff again. I'm making solid progress on iWriter, and I'm starting to look into other freelancing pages. I also do my very best to write a thousand words every day (something I tend to fuck up on occasion). I also do a bunch of other positive things, so, at this point, I do have a pretty ok routine down. I want to do more, but I just don't have the energy.

I found it very helpful to keep reminding myself that my depression isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility. One my suffer from a mental illness, yet that doesn't remove the element of personal responsibility. It helps. I think I've also become more aware of how tired I actually am, more in contact with my not so favorable state.

I'll go insane if someone else realizes my business idea before I do. Sometimes I feel it's just a matter of months. It really is hard to tell ...

One good thing about living in Eastern Europe is: we generally tend to lag behind the West by a few years in everything, so we really just need to look at what's popular there and get ready.

Anyway ... hi again. I don't feel like writing here every day, and I also feel like giving all your plans away somehow diminishes their weight. Volumes have been written about that, so I'm sure most of you are familiar with how and why this tends to happen.

TqUfzNb.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
meow
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Good to hear from you! 

Bright stuff again. I'm making solid progress on iWriter, and I'm starting to look into other freelancing pages. I also do my very best to write a thousand words every day (something I tend to fuck up on occasion). I also do a bunch of other positive things, so, at this point, I do have a pretty ok routine down. I want to do more, but I just don't have the energy.

Sounds good. Keep it up. You have talent for writing and a loyal following here on Game Quitters.

I found it very helpful to keep reminding myself that my depression isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility. One my suffer from a mental illness, yet that doesn't remove the element of personal responsibility. It helps. I think I've also become more aware of how tired I actually am, more in contact with my not so favorable state.

 

I agree completely. The next book on my list is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. I read the introduction where a third-party study compares bibliotherapy (reading that book) with pharmacological therapy. The whole book seems grounded in science. Give it a shot.

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I guess the very best part is that my welfare officer (somewhat attractive woman my age) has been very supportive the last time we met. She's completely on board with my freelancing plans (no jobs for high school dropouts anyway), and even said I'm welcome back if it doesn't work out. So at least I don't have to dread a dark apartment with no food. Even though the welfare is my country would be better described as a measly allowance.

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Good to hear from you! 

Bright stuff again. I'm making solid progress on iWriter, and I'm starting to look into other freelancing pages. I also do my very best to write a thousand words every day (something I tend to fuck up on occasion). I also do a bunch of other positive things, so, at this point, I do have a pretty ok routine down. I want to do more, but I just don't have the energy.

Sounds good. Keep it up. You have talent for writing and a loyal following here on Game Quitters.

I found it very helpful to keep reminding myself that my depression isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility. One my suffer from a mental illness, yet that doesn't remove the element of personal responsibility. It helps. I think I've also become more aware of how tired I actually am, more in contact with my not so favorable state.

 

I agree completely. The next book on my list is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. I read the introduction where a third-party study compares bibliotherapy (reading that book) with pharmacological therapy. The whole book seems grounded in science. Give it a shot.

Ha, we had bibliotherapy in recovery, and it was all sappy stories that mostly focused on daughter-mother relationships. Needless to say, the therapist leading it was a middle aged woman.

But I'll definitely give it a look.

Thank you for ze encouragement. It's such a grind though, yet I'll get there ... half the time is spent on trying to avoid shitty clients.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, hi!

Ech, this post won't be so uplifting. At least in a sense of the actual information I'm about to present (as I feel very well right now).

I kind of fucked up.

Not just with gaming but with other things as well. After three days of things, my desk was covered with about 30 empty cans. I've thought I had it under control, but obviously I do not. The backlash, the price to pay, was greater than ever before. It wasn't even so much about being hung over in a sense when you can't get up and do things ... it was a lot more like mental burnout. Weird, feverish dreams for days. Being half awake and coming up with completely illogical conclusions. It's been 6 days since then, and only today I feel like myself again. I've never had that before, and it hurts; it feels like I've destroyed a small piece of myself.

I don't want to feel this ever again and I'll do my absolute best not to.

It's time I start treating myself like a person with an mental illness because someone who's healthy would never do something like this to himself.

And I've known this for two years now (more actually), I just haven't made the mental shift until now. Granted, mental shifts can often be deceiving. But here we are.

As far as the actual gaming goes, ech. It wasn't even that great. I tested some weird PVP specs and none of them worked. WoW really doesn't allow for creativity when it comes to PVP. I think it really is down to just trying to be somewhere else, anywhere, even if it's just a game.

I'd say the entire thing happened mostly due to the (self imposed) isolation.

Anyway.

iWriter doing pretty good, also starting to write erotica again. Back to old positive habits, too.

All systems optimal.

We carry on.

Edited by Marchosias
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Thanks. I guess this wouldn't make much of a story without, uhm, setbacks.

"Don't look so smug! I know what you're thinking, but playing WoW again and drinking 30 things was ... only a setback!"

- Marcho'thas Sunstrider

I had a complete fucking nightmare tonight. Was unable to even sleep until perhaps 6 AM. I'm not even sure what it was. I think it was something about just killing and torturing people in grotesque ways without a clear reason. They were visitors and tour guides inside some kind of a cave, and some guys kinda closed the exit and started doing things. I don't know. People have nightmares all the time. (EDIT: this entire paragraph is complete fucking garbage, but I cba to rewrite it.)

I don't even know about this entire forum. I don't want to share my plans; sharing plans is a horrible move if you're actually serious about it. We've all read, I trust, enough self help to know what sharing your plans does to your brain. At least if you're like me or like many people here. Then again, without a forum you don't have a community, and then the entire system falls apart. At the end, it's still beneficial, but I do think it's an important point to make (the plan sharing). Perhaps a video idea, Cam?

And, oh, Cam! I've commented on your video of the interview with McInnes (should've done an entire 1 hour segment on his Free Speech show) and asked if you could find the topic (on some gaming forum) in which people ridiculed one of your first posts. Any luck with that, perhaps? I'm googling things like "Cam Adair is a retard" right now, yet nothing comes up :P.

For some reason, I've been researching the topic of transgenderism lately. It has the same romantic rebellious vibe as the alternative right: us against the ignorant world! I don't understand why most on the alt right hate the so called "shemales" (which, as I've learned, is strictly a porn term and is generally considered a slur) since they have so much in common.

Ha, you know who should also love trans people? The MGTOW crowd. They whine and construct complex explanations as to why women are inherently amoral and therefore incapable of true love as they see it -- well, there you go, guys. A person that actually is, as many would still claim, a man that walks, talks, and fucks like a girl. You can now finally experience love without the burdens of hipergamy!

Also, both the alt right and MGTOW claim to be open minded and objective. The red pill, swallow the bitter truth and embrace the grim, yet enticing, reality of the New World. If that's so, why bash people who're breaking key societal norms in order to achieve their goals? Why not spend an hour or two by actually researching the issue instead of shitposting about immigrants and feminism.

Either way, I should probably check out other people's topics, comment, ask questions, make them feel good. Network. Make them come here. But I really don't want to right now.

12OnN09.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
GUESS WHATS INSIDE THOSE PANTS OK NOW YOURE IMAGINING IT GOOGLE REVERSE IMAGE SEARCH HERE WE GO OR DARE WE
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90 DAY CHALLENGE IS BEGIN NOW YES GO DAY 1

DAY ONE: DAY 1 (one)

(Technically, it's more like day 7 or 6, but it's January 1st, and it looks cuter this way.)

I've been motivated to do so by kortheo, who was also very kind and agreed to being my accountability partner. This means I'm supposed to hold him accountable as well, which is fine, but this is closer to him doing me a favor. So thank you, kortheo!

My research of the trans-o-sphere took a bit of a darker turn yesterday. I have expected to find a good amount of people who suffer and are also bitter, snarky, and really just mentally ill. But it's worse than I thought. To the point at which it's hard to even gain reliable information since everyone is so emotional and angry at everyone: angry at other trans people with different opinions, angry at society, probably also at themselves (xirselves?). There's also a huge disdain towards the so called "cis straight males", so yeah, don't go asking questions as one.

I should be able come up with an entire run down of all the trans tribes on the web soon enough. It kinda looks like two major sides: those who think being trans is a medical disorder based in biology -- a problem you solve with your doctor and then go off living a normal life -- and another camp that kinda promotes the whole "genderfluid" idea, wants to use strange pronouns like xir, has ties with radical feminism and is more or less full on SJW politically. Guess which side is louder.

But there's also stuff in between.

And then there are also teenagers who, I think, shouldn't be blamed for anything. Look, 15 year old girls and boys have been posting stupid things on the internet since the 90s. I'm glad almost all of my teenage stuff is gone (apart from some very incriminating poetry). So maybe a guy wears a girl's sweater one Friday evening and then rants about how he's now "trans", and one girl cuts her hair short because she's looking for a role model. Or whatever. The culture is still potentially damaging, I'd say, but I also think people are giving it too much credit.

What I find morally deplorable is promoting the idea of putting actual children on hormone blockers (to delay puberty) because they're supposedly claiming they're trans. According to my findings, most people can transition and pass (as the opposite sex) very well as long as they do it before 20. And that goes mostly for male to female, for it's actually not hard for almost any girl to start taking testosterone and pass as a mild looking guy at worst.

I think a large, large part of the quasi-political, loud camp just wants to belong to something that's considered cool and edgy. People get into, realize they're not really trans, and then start making up weird sexual identities that have no basis in real life. But the reality is a lot different: there's absolutely nothing cool about actually being trans. No one risks loosing friends, family, sources of income, and getting killed (it happens all the time) just to be cool.

For the media, this is just another outrage source. They don't actually care about making anyone's life better; they just deliver what their readers want. So it's kinda like people that want to be entertained by being shocked or/and hating vs. people that have severe psychological issues and often suffer from other mental illnesses like bipolar. Throw some professional victims and bitter, aged feminists in the mix.

What could possibly go wrong.

Even so, some younger girls seem to do well. Maya is Canadian and, apart from being trans, seems to live a normal life. Until when though? As far as I know, Canada is importing "refugees" as well. We've seen how a relevant number of them treats women. We can probably imagine their opinions on transgendered youth.

OxRMiONd.jpg

 

 

Edited by Marchosias
WOULD YOU?
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Very good, guys. I'll consider you liking my previous post as a resounding "YES" to the question in my edit note. I'm not even slightly surprised. And I agree.

Day 2: Ride Dat Pink Cloud

(Again pointing out that it's actually been a couple more days.)

I still fell fairly good about everything, yet I know it won't last. It can't last. When you quit something that you're well aware is damaging to you, there's a sort of a reward mechanism that kicks in. For a while, you're convinced that quitting is no big deal, that you truly were stupid not to do it before, and that it'll be easy. Straight up from here on now!

Well, maybe. But probably not.

I'm not writing this to diminish that fact that I'm finally doing this. Kortheo called my bluff first thing when I contacted him for accountability partnership, and I'm sure others could see or at least heavily suspect that I haven't documented all my relapses here. It's pretty much during every posting gap. Don't look.

I have to point this out to be fair to myself and to you who read this. I don't want to base this on any sort of pretense: I've fucked up before and this may get difficult. I can guarantee that I'll complete these 90 days no matter what, but I have no plans regarding gaming after that. I may just reinstall and play. Try to balance it around my other activities for a while then give up after five days and just play 24/7. I can't say this sounds appealing at all. But we'll see.

It's just that I don't see these 90 days being doable by not allowing myself to at least leave some room for gaming ... after those three months pass. The alternative is effectively deciding to quit forever and never play again, and then it's not 90 days at all: it's just forever. And what's the point of the time constraint then. Does that make sense? Theres zero doubt in my mind that I'll complete the challenge, but I also don't plan to beat myself if I play a bit after. Lol, he said "a bit". Nice one.

I understand the primary function of these 90 days is to show how life, in general, tends to be better without gaming to those who don't fully understand how addicted they are. This doesn't apply to me even remotely; I'm very well aware that I can never ever play WoW again if I want a life that deserves to be called that. I can imagine scenarios in which playing would be less damaging than it would be now, but it'll always be a huge net loss for me no matter what.

Blah blah.

In other news, my travels through the lands of Trans-ylvania continue. This is the latest entry:

Edited by Marchosias
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