JSmith

1.12.2024 | Day 9 Had my work training intake call this morning. 5 months of training...at another school. I'm sick. I already have a bachelor's degree and did other training after that. I told myself I would never do another training/school program, but at least this time they're paying me, and I don't really have any other options. I suppose I could keep applying to jobs and back out if something good comes up. 5 months is a long time. @sniper Sorry that happened to you. From what I heard somewhere else on here the GQ discord isn't the best, so good on you for getting out of there.

1.11.2024 | Day 8 Rollercoaster of emotions today. Very positive session with my counselor. Expressed my frustration that quitting gaming wasn't translating to increased productivity as quickly as I was hoping. Their response: give it another week. Fair enough. Shared my concerns regarding porn consumption, also got assuring feedback in that area. Some things to think about and work on for future sessions. Got rejected on a public Discord server after. Was messing around, trying to fit in, talk to people. Apparently told a bad joke and got told to fuck off. Devastating blow...mostly to my ego I'll admit. I was so angry. I thought I had read the room correctly, but I guess not. I don't get these public chats, other people make it look so easy. Whatever, I lost. I'm not even mad anymore, because now I'm talking to an old friend I reconnected with. They literally got back to me while I was sitting at my desk fuming over the Discord nonsense, and whoosh, the pain is releasing. Funny how that works sometimes. I have a call tomorrow about some possible work training, something that might help me out of this unemployment mess. We'll see. I really thought I was gonna give up today.

1.10.2024 | Day 7 Yeah…porn is a problem. I have counseling tomorrow, I’ll bring it up.

@Pochatok unsure what you mean here, can you clarify? 1.9.2024 | Day 6 Had some weird/disturbing dreams last night. I had a dream where I gave in and returned to gaming, and a nightmare where I lived in a haunted house, with some weird doll/girl figure. Many years ago, a much younger me, frustrated with a slew of nightmares I had been having, somehow trained my mind to wake me up from perceived nightmares, before they got too bad. It seems that defense has been eroding in the past couple years. They drag on longer than I'm used to. I noticed I can panic and catastrophize inside my head, WHILE dreaming, but I don't wake up. Anyways. Watched an hour long YT video on ebay flipping basics. Honestly, I don't want to do it. It's just another money making scheme. Doesn't mean it doesn't work, clearly it does, but I've been down this road before. Chasing money with zero passion for the actual activity. I'd really like to just get a regular job, at least then I have stability. There's a tech training program in my state that supposedly helps with just that. I don't really have any other options, than the usual cold applying. I'll see where it goes.

1.8.2024 | Day 5 Didn't do anything today, aside from avoiding gaming. I wonder if it's taking more energy than I thought, just to resist. I uninstalled my phone games last night, but the cravings are still there. Even with now having to wait to redownload, it feels way too easy to just...revisit the app store. As if it's not really the number of taps or the wait time that's stopping me, it's the decision alone. How easy it would be to decide to give in. Sigh. YouTube movies are keeping me distracted, but I really wish I could have been a little more productive. Today is the Riddick trilogy, starting with a rewatch of Pitch Black (2000), a movie which terrified the crap out of me as a kid, followed by a rewatch of The Chronicles of Riddick (2004), one of my favorite sci-fi films of all time. The third film, Riddick (2013), I have not seen yet. I will after I finish this. I heard it wasn't very good, and in fact it seems the trilogy as a whole wasn't well received, but I don't let film critics or public opinion stop me. If I'm interested, I'll see for myself, as I always do. I really need to get up earlier tomorrow, to make those calls. I also still need to get back to my mom.

1.7.2024 | Day 4 Some small efforts. Reworked my resume (again...) last night, with advice from my counselor, then applied to a few more jobs earlier today. I'd really like it if this was as painless as possible. I don't want to have to touch my resume again. Boredom/awkwardness is still there. Still getting urges, too. I'm starting to realize just how much in my life can actually manifest into an urge. Even watching youtube videos related to fictional worlds makes me want to play the associated games. I won't get into specifics. Maybe I can channel this energy into my story ideas. Probably gonna do some work on that tonight. Resisting computer games is easy because I wasn't doing a whole lot of that anyways, but the phone games are much harder because I was much more invested. I still have them installed. I should...uninstall them. I'm hesitating which makes me suspect I haven't fully committed. I haven't even officially decided on the duration. I'm just going a day at a time right now. I feel like I should make a firm decision, but I'm afraid if I pick too big a number I'll disintegrate or something...my brain is already trying to "negotiate" with me. I think a firm decision would be helpful. Had a fun idea: tracking movies I watch. I watch a TON of movies. It's getting kinda ridiculous. Today was War of the Worlds (2005), a classic that just now became free on YT 😑. So interesting seeing a young Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning after all these years, especially after having recently watched The Equalizer Part 3 (2023) and being like "holy crap is that Dakota Fanning? she's grown up!". Actually we're probably the same age. Yeah we're less than a year apart... Anyways, tomorrow's Monday and I have to make a bunch of boring calls. Maybe I'll get started on flipping too, if I get up early enough. One big positive since I started this: I've been getting a TON of sleep.

1.6.2024 | Still Day 3 Getting this out before it turns Day 4. Had a GI episode after breakfast. My doctors suspect IBS. It started about a year ago, and my tests have come back all negative, so IBS is really all that's left, short of a colonoscopy (fuck no). I'd really like a better explanation than "well sometimes your gut just acts up". That feels weak. WHY? There seems to be a bunch of foods that now give me problems. Will try to get an allergy test done. Mom texted me today wanting to check in. Not in the mood to give another report on how I'm still jobless. Will get back to her later. Had a disturbing thought a few days ago: the moment I do find a job, it's likely I won't be able to afford my current therapy. Well, I will. My mental health is the priority right now. Student loans are gonna have to suffer, or something. Otherwise, still getting gaming urges and bored spells that somehow hasn't yet completely overwhelmed me. Porn feels like a problem, but one at a time. Back tomorrow night.

I feel like 3 weeks isn't long enough to find a job and become financially stable, but we'll see. Otherwise I'm gaming with guilt. How do you feel after having quit all those years ago? Day 3 Yeah, I'm bored. Kinda. Been finding things to fill in the day, but I get these awkward gaps where it feels like I don't know what to do with myself. I've been here before with dopamine detoxes, just gotta let it ride. I'm not yet at the point where "ah yes I'm ready to apply to 1000 jobs now" or anything like that. I still absolutely hate it. Landlord is poking me for rent, though, so I need to do something. My degree is in computer science, but either my resume is still shit, or I'm literally the worst computer science graduate on the planet, so I'm widening. Last night I researched financial planner. Not doable without a base salary. Tonight it was flipping, thanks to Gary V. I really just want a job I don't have to think about, but I have all day, so...better than nothing I suppose. I did do a couple hours of research for my story idea. Quantum mechanics. Something I would have struggled greatly with a week ago. So there's that. I need to ask a lawyer a copyright question. These entries are a bit awkward because it's actually the beginning of the third day, but my sleep schedule is reversed, so I'm writing this after midnight, when ideally I'd do this at the end of the day. 48+ hours so far though. Bored.

Day 2 I finished my degree, and my book. That's about all I have. Been unemployed 8+ months. I'm feeling largely apathetic to be honest. Just kinda went numb after some time, though I still put forth some effort here and there. My book is sitting in a pdf document on my laptop. I was going to find an agent, but I found myself in disfavor with the publishing industry, and decided to self-publish. Then I remembered how much I dislike social media marketing, or just social media in general. So now I don't know what to do. Or maybe I just don't think it's good enough to be worth the effort. I was gaming, still. Not nearly to the degree as before my first detox, but enough to remain a problem. To be perfectly honest, I don't want to quit, not entirely. If it's possible to make it work, I would like to figure that out. But I can't right now. There's just...too much wrong. My body feels like it's falling apart. I'm terrified of surgery, but I need to do something. I have a second story idea. I actually want to pivot to screenplays, as I've fallen in love with movies in my adult years, compared to the bookworm I was as a child. I'm terrified of that too. It's an ambitious idea, but I'm afraid of being well known, if it works. I have skeletons. So I'm pretty crippled by anger, anxiety and fear currently. But I need to do something. I thought a couple days ago, what if I just took a year off gaming, and see what happens? I won't miss much, and I'll have the space and energy to figure out this job issue, and see if there's anything I want to do about this story. I really don't know yet, but boredom will force me to think about it.

Still thinking about that girl from the bookstore.

Its okay. You can always try again when you're ready. Is there anything positive you can do today, for just five minutes even?

I think it's because when you start something, you don't see any results for a long time. In today's world, patience is extremely difficult to cultivate. I was actually thinking about this earlier. Imagine how insane life would be if you did something once, and your body immediately reacted as if you had done that thing every day for twenty years. Smoke a cigarette, drop dead. Eat a cheeseburger, gain 100 pounds. Eat a carrot, turn into Mr. Clean. That would be a lot more obvious, and easier. But life ain't that way. Good or bad, change takes time. And our memories play hell with us, which doesn't make it easier.

Dopamine Detox: Day 8 I must be a masochist. Seriously dude, you can stop anytime you want now. You've more than doubled your initial target. I don't know, though. The more time I spend actually thinking about my real life problems, the more I realize how complacent I've been. I may feel extremely guilty, regressing back to old habits, even if they are greatly diminished. It feels as if any second I spend in blissful leisure is a second I could spend actually making things better. Even if the majority of that time is thinking about what the hell to do next, which so far has been the case. Maybe it's the cold weather, but I've felt even worse about my campus than I did yesterday. It hit me like a brick wall during dinner. I let my family talk me into returning to school, pursuing a major I'm not passionate about. And now I'm bogged down. If I had just been smarter, dammit, if I had just embraced the Slight Edge principles I'd already been reading about for years...I'm dwelling on the past. It just feels like such a waste. I shouldn't even be that upset, it looks like next semester will be my last. Still...such meaningless, wasted effort. On the bright side, my investment deposited today. And I'm already seeing returns. Now the math gets a little wonky, and I don't know the exact anticipated annual percentage. But I heard around 10% is the norm, which for my principal is about six pennies a day, my safe withdrawal rate being about a third of that, or two pennies in pocket. My original calculations were more conservative, especially in regard to taxes, hence my anticipated one. I made EIGHTY EIGHT pennies today. That's almost eighteen in pocket. Of course, things can swing in the opposite direction tomorrow, markets forbid. But to actually SEE the growth, it's incredible. Can't wait to check again tomorrow. Earworm still being a bit of a pain, but no worse than yesterday at the very least. Maybe a little better. I had a weird dream this morning, about this girl I almost ended up hanging out with last year. I wrote it down on my phone. A bit late to type all that out, but maybe in the future. I don't think I've ever immediately woken up from a dream and actually recorded it. I did sleep decently well though, in general. Another plus.

It's all dopamine in the end, tricky little hormone in our technology filled world.

I don't even LISTEN to that song!