Zoe's Journal

[Zoe 106]

Day 6-9

Gratitude: I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my best friends and little babies this weekend! It was sooo needed. My 2 best friends are my girls…we are similar in so many ways…Being with them is just comfort. One of them moved to Boston about 5 years ago and we have only seen each other once during that time. So, over the past 3 days there has been girl time silliness, deep conversations, late nights and no gaming!

I’m trying to keep the feeling of this weekend in my mind to keep me hopeful and motivated. It shows me how much my environment affects my emotional state. It’s made me think a lot about what is hurting my happiness the most. It is my job. It’s just toxic. So, I will start seriously taking the steps to leave. Yesterday, I took the steps to start private practice. I have a business ID and Account now. I have completed the paperwork with my consultant and I had a zoom meeting with her yesterday and feel really encouraged and supported. 

I’m looking forward to catching up on @LordFederickRamsayand @jailbreaker. journals! I’m exhausted now,  so going to have to wait until the morning. 

Goodnight all!

 

 

[Ikar 1922]

3 hours ago, Zoe said:

I’m trying to keep the feeling of this weekend in my mind to keep me hopeful and motivated. It shows me how much my environment affects my emotional state. It’s made me think a lot about what is hurting my happiness the most. It is my job. It’s just toxic. So, I will start seriously taking the steps to leave. Yesterday, I took the steps to start private practice. I have a business ID and Account now. I have completed the paperwork with my consultant and I had a zoom meeting with her yesterday and feel really encouraged and supported. 

All the best in your new venture! I hope it goes well for you, as it has gone for me 😄  

[Zoe 106]

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

All the best in your new venture! I hope it goes well for you, as it has gone for me 😄  

Ah! Looking forward to catching up on. @Ikarjournal also. 

[Zoe 106]

 Day 10

Graditude

1.  Grateful that I've made it to Day 10!  I relapsed at Day 7 on my first attempt, so this is 3 days longer. 🙂

2.  Grateful for the clarinet playlist that I made, making me very happy this morning.  

3.  Grateful for the cuteness of my cats.  Seriously, they are running around right now, chasing each other and it's hilarious to watch them.  In my next life, I hope I come back as a cat (specifically a ragdoll cat).  

 

How am I feeling right now?  I still have the that pit/butterflies in my stomach..anxious? worried? uneasy?  Not really sure, but it's there, not as intense now so that's a good thing.  I think it might be caused by my next goal of reducing/eliminating youtube from my life.  I feel horrible when I do it cause it just makes me want to game and quite honestly has no value in my life.  I deleted it from my bookmarks bar.  Going to work on how to block it this evening.  Also trying to work on the ADHD part of the impulsivity of mindlessly scrolling the internet for productivity apps, planners, etc.  It's just an avoidance of work/life.  I've signed up for an accountability group, not really accountability...I don't like that word, too punitive.  It's a body doubling group.  Basically hop on a zoom call with a few other members, state your goals for the time set (60-90) minutes.  Work on mute (cameras on) for the time period and then check in with everyone on their progress.  I have a 7 day free trial, so I'll see how it goes and then decide if I want to continue.  

Feeling a little guilty about not moving forward on my goals of learning to play the clarinet again.  I know this is because I have this compulsive "people pleasing" thing/gene/whatever the word for it is. I don't want to disappoint @jailbreaker.I don't need/want reassurance that I'm not, just stating how I feel. 🙂. I'm still excited to do it, just need to wait until I get paid (or maybe put it off until my next pay schedule) to buy the equipment I need.  Ah! "I got Rhythm" just came on, got me all motivated again.  

Gotta run (not literally to work) so....good day to everyone!

[BlueIced 5]

8 hours ago, Zoe said:

Basically hop on a zoom call with a few other members, state your goals for the time set (60-90) minutes.  Work on mute (cameras on) for the time period and then check in with everyone on their progress.  I have a 7 day free trial, so I'll see how it goes and then decide if I want to continue. 

Good luck, I hope this works out for you!

[jailbreaker. 47]

18 hours ago, Zoe said:

Feeling a little guilty about not moving forward on my goals of learning to play the clarinet again.  I know this is because I have this compulsive "people pleasing" thing/gene/whatever the word for it is. I don't want to disappoint @jailbreaker.I don't need/want reassurance that I'm not, just stating how I feel. 🙂. I'm still excited to do it, just need to wait until I get paid (or maybe put it off until my next pay schedule) to buy the equipment I need.  Ah! "I got Rhythm" just came on, got me all motivated again.  

Ha, I feel that whole compulsive "people pleasing" thing a lot myself. It's a habit I developed in high school. Always yearning for good grades, people's approval, etc., 'cause I was always an "outsider." Working hard was my way of trying to set a good example for the younger kids, as well as a way to make sure I was still respected by my peers and teachers, I thought. So funny how I always view others based on their inherent value as people, whereas I see myself based solely upon my efforts sometimes. Part of why my "gaming shame" was so bad. iykyk. I was respected, I would say, but I made a lot of sacrifices, including my mental and physical health, and having any ability to form close relationships with people. Gaming made it worse, too.

 

Dungeon Master research and world-building is a great example. I always find one more thing that might just make the setting/characters/themes a little more interesting, and the constant satisfaction of "aha" moments keeps me at it. Very similar to videogames in that way. The only difference with my DM research and gaming is that I'm trying to find real people's approval instead of virtual/imagined people. Can be stressful, and I'm still learning to approach it from a healthier standpoint.

 

What keeps me in check most of the time though is a sort of mantra that I recite to myself:

"It goes out fast, and comes back slow."

 

Reminds me that I expend lots of energy and lose track of time, especially when I'm doing stuff for other people. Thus, when I notice it happening/has happened, I gotta decide to take time for myself to recover, even if it doesn't feel like I need it. Could be anything as simple as taking a sip of water, eating a snack, or excusing myself for a bit. Or, something more relaxing and/or hobby-based if I'm at home/have time.

"It goes out fast, and comes back slow."

 

Oh! Jeez, see, there I go again, rambling. That's another "going out fast"/losing track of time moment. Apologies for the lengthy response! Hope it was helpful/relatable in some way. Oh, and don't worry about the clarinet stuff. I know it's expensive to get good equipment, but if you don't wanna spend a bunch of money, feel free to just get whatever's cheapest, or whatever. It's your life, my friend! Apologies if I made you feel pressured in any way. Whatever you decide, you got this👍 

 

(Quick song recommendation before I go, too: "Careless Love" performed by Dr. Michael White. It's a classic blues song that's been adapted by a lot of different artists. There are a couple versions from him, but I especially like the one with brass in it. It's got New Orleans jazz vibes! Speaking of which, New Orleans jazz is a clarinet goldmine if you wanna hear more of it.)

Edited Thursday at 05:55 AM by jailbreaker.

[Zoe 106]

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

The only difference with my DM research and gaming is that I'm trying to find real people's approval instead of virtual/imagined people. Can be stressful, and I'm still learning to approach it from a healthier standpoint

I think when you have been doing something so long (searching for approval) it just takes practice and more more practice doing it a different way. At least that’s what I am telling myself!

 

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Oh! Jeez, see, there I go again, rambling. That's another "going out fast"/losing track of time moment. Apologies for the lengthy response! Hope it was helpful/relatable in some way. Oh, and don't worry about the clarinet stuff.

Of course it was helpful! I love a good ramble. Clarinet—-I want to get the right equipment! Kind of obsessive like that. But…you are right…I could start with what I have. Not the reeds..they hurt. lol

 

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Quick song recommendation before I go, too: "Careless Love" performed by Dr. Michael White. It's a classic blues song that's been adapted by a lot of different artists. There are a couple versions from him, but I especially like the one with brass in it. It's got New Orleans jazz vibes! Speaking of which, New Orleans jazz is a clarinet goldmine if you wanna hear more of it.)

Thank you! Looking forward to checking it out.

[Zoe 106]

Day 11

Gratitude: One particular co-worker is so supportive of me. Really appreciate that.

Grateful for the sun today. I’m sitting outside eating my lunch. Although it’s really hot….the vitamin d feels good 

Felt good yesterday and today. Feeling less brain foggy…less raw emotion. Able to cope with urges easier. Still tough, but a bit easier 

Not watching youtube as much, but still too much. It’s losing its spark though, so I know I’ll be able to do it. 

I am trying to be careful with setting big goals right now. I tend to go full force on something and then get bored with going full force and quit. Not sure if that makes sense. Anyway…slow and steady is my motto right now. 

Looking forward to seeing a nutritionist on June 6. I really believe food is medicine and I want to seek advice from the professionals. Will be fun in some sort of nerdy way. 

Ohhh I started reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.  Love me some hunger games.

I think that’s all I have for now

Lying in bed feeling a bit anxious. The irrational, impending doom type anxious. I decided to journal a bit to see if it helps. Writing this makes me want to draw the doom. What would it look like irl? I think 4 gigantic walls around me, no windows, and only enough room for me to turn around. I do see  a light up above. Is that hope? Wait, did I just describe a wishing well and I’m at the bottom? I am the decider of wishes..there…much less anxiety now that I laughed at myself. 

I’m kinda worried about @LordFederickRamsay. I’m worried about saying that..hope you’re ok. 

Edited Friday at 02:00 AM by Zoe
update

[LordFederickRamsay 98]

Is that the new Hunger Game's book that they've made a film adaptation of? I'd like to read it. 

[LordFederickRamsay 98]

16 hours ago, Zoe said:

I’m kinda worried about @LordFederickRamsay. I’m worried about saying that..hope you’re ok. 

I'm okay. Thanks for caring! Had a bit of a weird time lately. Was drinking a lot and it must've depleted my serotonin. But yeah, was definitely depressed/low mood for a while there. Still struggling to climb back out. I know this isn't my journal, just providing some reasons why I've been inactive. My job still sucks. Basically, I went for drinks with my work colleagues (all people my age - diverse) at the start of my job in January, and it sucked. I was so in my head, socially anxious, having all these horrible thoughts, and was also seriously feeling the affects/effects (never know which one is the right one) of drinking too much. Then, about a week ago, I went for drinks with my work colleagues about 4 months after this occasion, thinking times had changed, I had changed, and that it'd be really fun and I had the EXACTLY same experience and it just left me feeling bitter, frustrated and upset. So, that's partly why I've been feeling so low, and now I've basically given my job up. I made a lie and am now working one shift a week for the foreseeable future! 

Hehe, sorry for polluting your journal with what should be a contribution to my own, but there you go!

[Zoe 106]

47 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Is that the new Hunger Game's book that they've made a film adaptation of? I'd like to read it. 

I think so. It’s about Cornelius Snow.

[Zoe 106]

1 hour ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Hehe, sorry for polluting your journal with what should be a contribution to my own, but there you go!

Lol. No worries, we all do it. @LordFederickRamsay

Im really sorry about the depression and work sucking. It’s so hard to go to a job that sucks. I don’t want to give advice here. I’ve found that advice triggers some anxiety with me, like if I don’t take it then I am disappointing someone. Or it makes me feel incredibly low when I can’t muster up the strength to do said advice. Enough on that ramble…what I want to say is…Please know, you deserve happiness…I really believe you have the tools to get there. Oh, and a healthy dose of vitamin d (from the sun) never hurt anyone. Sorry, advice happened. 

[Zoe 106]

I forgot what day it is…13?

Just doing a quick check in. I have a generalized gratitude for life today…nothing specific, just overall grateful.

I have read some of your journals today @Faroe Islander @LordFederickRamsay and @jailbreaker. I want to respond in a thoughtful manner and that’s not the mood I am in. I kinda want to just play with my silly cats lol. 

All is well…can’t wait to describe my demon childhood days lollll