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Zoe's Journal


Zoe

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Day #: 1

Gratitude journal

  • I'm grateful for this forum
  • I'm grateful for the support of my husband
  • I'm grateful for the free yoga/meditation/tai chi we get at work

One amazing thing that happened yesterday:  I did yoga after coming home from work despite not wanting to

 

Daily affirmation:  Progress not Perfect 

 

Weekly Goal(s): Yoga or some kind of workout once per day. 

 

Monthly Goal:  Don't know yet. 

 

3 Month Goal: Don't know yet 

 

What went well yesterday:  I was somewhat productive at work, despite gaming. 

 

What I could have done to make my day better: Not gamed and done my work. Not eaten the crap I did during the day.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow: I'm having commitment issues today. 

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Day #: 2

Gratitude journal

  • I'm grateful for the support of my husband
  • I'm grateful for the free yoga/meditation/tai chi we get at work

One amazing thing that happened yesterday:  went outside of the house

 

Daily affirmation:  Limit access to means 

 

Weekly Goal(s): Yoga or some kind of workout once per day. 

 

Monthly Goal:  Don't know yet. 

 

3 Month Goal: Don't know yet 

 

What went well yesterday:  socialized. gave my husband control of my phone.

 

What I could have done to make my better:  Started meal prepping instead of watching housewives.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow: meal prep

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Day #: 3

Gratitude journal

  • I'm grateful for the support of my husband
  • I'm grateful for the free yoga/meditation/tai chi we get at work
  • Im grateful for Kelly

One amazing thing that happened yesterday:   I made the bed. 

 

Daily affirmation:  I am enough

 

Weekly Goal(s): Some form of movement every day

 

Monthly Goal:  Npi and ein

 

3 Month Goal: Be on one insurance panel

 

What went well yesterday:  I meal prepped, finished laundry, didn’t game

 

What I could have done to make my better: Not obsess over Dr. Js email.

 

What I will do differently today: yoga priority

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I found the prompts discouraged me from updating my daily journal. I know this isn't the case for most people but I've really enjoyed using this part of the forum to just do stream-of-consciousness writing which is great. 

If you're struggling to keep up with your daily journal, I'd recommend this. I can also sense (correct me if I'm wrong) you were put off by the inactivity / no responses to your posts. In some ways this (for me) is actually appealing because I write about such intimate things in my journal and no-one except @jailbreaker. reads them (occasionally). 

I found the prompts intimidating and off putting (at least in my current state of mind). You don't need any prescriptive goals that might make you feel bad for not achieving. 

I'm also doing Respawn Elite and on this forum, under daily journals, Cam says to (it might be on Respawn Elite or this forum - I can't remember) keep up with three journals. You're my second journal I'm going to keep up with if you come back! Currently, I'm updating my own daily journal, and responding to jailbreaker's daily journal. Remember if you've gamed since the 25th April, it doesn't matter. You can restart your 90 day detox and I'll check your journal daily. I usually commit to an hour of my time to this forum but I always spend more than that...! 

Also, I'm on day 7 of my 90 day detox so if you start now we'll be roughly at the same stages of quitting which would be helpful. 

George

 

Edited by LordFederickRamsay
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@LordFederickRamsayThank you so much for responding. I got discouraged and gamed. Oddly, with games that usually annoy the heck out of me. Animal crossing….literally built my niece an island cause I was just bored. At least she got way ahead lol. Great thoughts on the streams of consciousness. More to come. I’ll start keeping up in the a.m. Short for time right now. I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement.

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Day 2

So this is my second day without gaming since my relapse. I’m having a really hard time calling that a relapse simply because it doesn’t feel deserving to me. I know it’s a bit pensive, but I only want to consider times when I play mobile legends as a relapse. Call me crazy but it seems like playing animal crossing just doesn’t count as a relapse. Yes, I realize how silly that is especially when I think of the reasons that I did play. I played because I was avoiding anxiety, avoiding not knowing where to start with projects. Avoiding because I’m afraid of failure, avoiding feeling anything at work because quite frankly, I hate my job. That’s sort of the conundrum. If I stop avoiding then I can actually get myself to a place where I can quit my job and go into private practice. 

I feel like I have to talk about the pit in my stomach a bit. It’s been there constantly for the past few weeks and it’s really bothering me. It’s just this constant fear of dread but I feel like I’m the one causing the dread. I’m not taking the steps that I need to move forward, so I feel guilty to myself and everyone who’s counting on me. There’s so many things that I could be doing, but I can’t get myself to do them. Yesterday after work, I fed the cats and went straight to bed, because I didn’t want to feel the pit in my stomach. I could’ve actually signed up for my EIN number or done the intake work for headway, but I just couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. I could have found a nutritionist and set up an appointment , but I just couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. So I laid in my bed and watched TV shows that I don’t even really like. So, right now, I’m being pretty hard on myself yet, i’m being  honest, I think that’s the only place I can start right now.

I went ahead and purchased respawn elite. I started over and did module one where you are asked to list what you’re feeling. I like how it’s in modules . I’m feeling anxious about the 90 day detox and committing to not gaming afterwards. But, I will try to take it day by day and stop trying to figure out the future.

Update-At work and soothing anxiety with overplanning. You know, making to do lists for to do lists. At least I’m not gaming but ughhhhhh. 

 

 

 

Edited by Zoe
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6 hours ago, Zoe said:

I feel like I have to talk about the pit in my stomach a bit. It’s been there constantly for the past few weeks and it’s really bothering me. It’s just this constant fear of dread but I feel like I’m the one causing the dread. I’m not taking the steps that I need to move forward, so I feel guilty to myself and everyone who’s counting on me. There’s so many things that I could be doing, but I can’t get myself to do them.

Have you ever tried mindfulness before? Disclaimer: I'm terrible at mindfulness 😅 but I try my best which is all we can do at the end of the day. But it has brought me some moments of enjoyment and connection recently. It's not the be and end all but it has helped a lot. 

If you're interested in checking it out, I'd recommend Headspace as that's the app I use. Or even just reading up about mindfulness. On the Headspace app, they have a Basics I course - each meditation is like 4 minutes long so it's achievable for us gamer's with little patience! (Not sure if this is fair to apply to gamer's but definitely to me!)

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48 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Have you ever tried mindfulness before? Disclaimer: I'm terrible at mindfulness 😅 but I try my best which is all we can do at the end of the day. But it has brought me some moments of enjoyment and connection recently. It's not the be and end all but it has helped a lot. 

If you're interested in checking it out, I'd recommend Headspace as that's the app I use. Or even just reading up about mindfulness. On the Headspace app, they have a Basics I course - each meditation is like 4 minutes long so it's achievable for us gamer's with little patience! (Not sure if this is fair to apply to gamer's but definitely to me!)

I was going to update my journal because I was experiencing some pretty intense urges, but decided to respond to this instead! I love mindfulness.....When I don't hate it...har har.  Oh yeahhhhhh...I should re-up my headspace subscription. I love them.  I think you are spot on with the gamers part of it.  If I can game for 20 hours straight, I should be able to be mindful for the duration of 4 minutes.  🙂  I just need to trust the process and be ok with feeling what I am feeling.  I'm an anxious person without my baby's blanket (gaming) and it's gonna take a hot minute to be able to breathe through that.  With that said, I get a free yoga and mindfulness subscription through work.  It's called ompractice.  I've signed up for one class each day this week.  🙂 They are all through Zoom.  Oh look, one thing I like about my job!!

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I actually meant gamer's are easily distracted so you'll manage 4 minutes. I'm not sure I was always focused when I gamed. More like a space between inattention and attention. 

36 minutes ago, Zoe said:

I I just need to trust the process and be ok with feeling what I am feeling.  I'm an anxious person without my baby's blanket (gaming) and it's gonna take a hot minute to be able to breathe through that. 

I feel this so much. I'm so anxious as well, and without gaming, it all comes to the fore. My cravings have lessened but it's taken twelve hard days. 

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I agree with @LordFederickRamsay. not many people read these posts unfortunately and it is frustrating. I wrote about it dozens of times with @Ikarabout how there isn't a community feel and it can be depressing. We tried our best to create monthly shoutouts in celebrate section a few years back. 

It's just tough because sometimes the community leaders relapse and leave. The other issue is it's hard to help others when you can't help yourself. These feelings can lead you into making templates to follow to give you some sort of structure to recovery. He's right about templates. They feel like work. Don't do them. Most people who do them burnout and quit. 

I go through phases of long summary posts and then short posts about emotions or what I'm specifically dealing with. Try to make your posts so they help you most. If you want to vent, vent. If you are stuck on one thing, write one thing. 

You guys got this. 

And this is unrelated, but I used to feel obligated to read every diary and post to help and it's exhausting. I feel bad that I don't write on everyone's page anymore but it's so important to have others help you during recovery. I ended up taking a long break from here because it burned me out. 

Take your time with it and let it go in waves. You both are doing great and it's big just being on the right path. 

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree with @LordFederickRamsay. not many people read these posts unfortunately and it is frustrating. I wrote about it dozens of times with @Ikarabout how there isn't a community feel and it can be depressing. We tried our best to create monthly shoutouts in celebrate section a few years back. 

It's just tough because sometimes the community leaders relapse and leave. The other issue is it's hard to help others when you can't help yourself. These feelings can lead you into making templates to follow to give you some sort of structure to recovery. He's right about templates. They feel like work. Don't do them. Most people who do them burnout and quit. 

I go through phases of long summary posts and then short posts about emotions or what I'm specifically dealing with. Try to make your posts so they help you most. If you want to vent, vent. If you are stuck on one thing, write one thing. 

You guys got this. 

And this is unrelated, but I used to feel obligated to read every diary and post to help and it's exhausting. I feel bad that I don't write on everyone's page anymore but it's so important to have others help you during recovery. I ended up taking a long break from here because it burned me out. 

Take your time with it and let it go in waves. You both are doing great and it's big just being on the right path. 

 

12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree with @LordFederickRamsay. not many people read these posts unfortunately and it is frustrating. I wrote about it dozens of times with @Ikarabout how there isn't a community feel and it can be depressing. We tried our best to create monthly shoutouts in celebrate section a few years back. 

It's just tough because sometimes the community leaders relapse and leave. The other issue is it's hard to help others when you can't help yourself. These feelings can lead you into making templates to follow to give you some sort of structure to recovery. He's right about templates. They feel like work. Don't do them. Most people who do them burnout and quit. 

I go through phases of long summary posts and then short posts about emotions or what I'm specifically dealing with. Try to make your posts so they help you most. If you want to vent, vent. If you are stuck on one thing, write one thing. 

You guys got this. 

And this is unrelated, but I used to feel obligated to read every diary and post to help and it's exhausting. I feel bad that I don't write on everyone's page anymore but it's so important to have others help you during recovery. I ended up taking a long break from here because it burned me out. 

Take your time with it and let it go in waves. You both are doing great and it's big just being on the right path. 

Yeah, I feel you on.  it being tough to keep up with when the community is small.  But, going to keep trying.  I also feel you on the obligation part.  That is something I'm working on big time in my life.  I do a lot of things out of obligation, it was a big part of why I continued to game. Ok...time for a journal lol. 

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Day 3.  

 

I am really appreciative of the interactiveness of with the journal the past few days. Thank you @LordFederickRamsay and @BooksandTrees.  I really appreciate it. Today, I'm feeling ok.  I didn't get up as early as I wanted, but, trying not to beat myself up too much about that.  Change will come with time.  I'm not having strong urges to game right now.  I am having strong urges to call in sick from work.  So, I'm going to work through the pros and cons of that.  Pros are....I could get the caq done that I've been putting off.  In reality, I won't do that, but it's nice to catch the brain trick.  It's raining cats and dogs out right now, so if I stay home I don't have to deal with that.  I could do my laundry, which, I probably would do.  I could chill with my cats all day and...they're cute.  Cons---I'm just going to feel anxious all day about calling in to work.  We are already short staffed so it will leave my co-workers with extra work.  It's going to make the potential for experiencing urges way higher because I will be at home.  I'll end up getting behind at work so the rest of the week will feel rushed.  Ok, decided I'm going into work.  

 

I don't really have much more to write today.  I'm going to try to use this journal as a way to manage urges today. When I'm experiencing an urge, I'm going to try to update here to get through it.  I feel like saying I'm grateful for something.  Although she's annoying me right now because she wants to use my keyboard as a toy, I really appreciate the cuteness of my kitten Zoe.  🙂 I'm also really grateful for my therapist.  She really helped me break through some of my roadblocks in our session yesterday.  Until next time.

update.. I’m bored as hell at work..but shouldn’t be..I have a shit ton to do. With that said, I’ve actually been productive until about now. Pretty sure the add meds just said bye bye. Coffee? Need to call my psychiatrist to get my refills but the phone looks heavy. 😶

update-At home now. Having this feeling I hate. When I am ruminating I feel a sort of comfort with the familiarity of a thousand thoughts circling in my head. I start to panic when my mind feels frozen and that is what I am feeling now. My therapist is teaching me about dissociation and how to stop it from happening. I’m trying to ground myself by writing in here. I don’t even know what triggered this. My mind feels like it has a million thoughts but I don’t have access to them. It’s making me want to game in a frantic sort of way. I cut off access to mobile legends, so I know I won’t slip. I blocked  the app store from my phone so I won’t find another similar game. Wild rift is probably what I would go to. I’m glad I cut access off because it’s making me get to know myself. Get to know myself in a way that feels frightening. I have always been able to escape in my mind. I have a very active imagination, one that I have always found comfort in because at times when I needed to I could just open one of the doors I created in my mind and escape into a beautiful..or comforting…or funny…or dramatic, whatever I needed at that time. Brains are amazingly resilient. The thing is, that left so many gaps in memories of my life, they are there but flashes..or not in the right order..or not complete..just colors..smells…It’s terrifying to sit through this without figuring out a way to numb. Terrifying, but necessary. Ok.. the grounding worked and now I am exhausted. 

I really yearn for a day I don’t feel exhausted. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep…My mind is just effing exhausting. 

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On 5/5/2023 at 7:21 PM, LordFederickRamsay said:

If you're struggling to keep up with your daily journal, I'd recommend this. I can also sense (correct me if I'm wrong) you were put off by the inactivity / no responses to your posts. In some ways this (for me) is actually appealing because I write about such intimate things in my journal and no-one except @jailbreaker. reads them (occasionally). 

I'm also doing Respawn Elite and on this forum, under daily journals, Cam says to (it might be on Respawn Elite or this forum - I can't remember) keep up with three journals. You're my second journal I'm going to keep up with if you come back! Currently, I'm updating my own daily journal, and responding to jailbreaker's daily journal. Remember if you've gamed since the 25th April, it doesn't matter. You can restart your 90 day detox and I'll check your journal daily. I usually commit to an hour of my time to this forum but I always spend more than that...! 

 

On 5/10/2023 at 12:32 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I agree with @LordFederickRamsay. not many people read these posts unfortunately and it is frustrating. I wrote about it dozens of times with @Ikarabout how there isn't a community feel and it can be depressing. We tried our best to create monthly shoutouts in celebrate section a few years back. 

Over the years, I have followed many journals and I believe Books has followed even more. I think Cam's idea of following three journals is sound to create some self-sustaining ecosystem, but only if they are active journals. I'd consider someone "active" if they have been here in the past month (that'd be me 🙂 ) or have a history of periodically returning over longer time periods (that'd be Books).

The matter of fact is that 98% of people stop writing here because they relapse, quit games using a different technique or just aren't interested in journaling. I am here because I am interested in journaling. Sometimes I get a comment and the UI is convenient, so I keep on doing it here at GQ. A thread on Reddit might be faster, but I'd argue the conversation would be more superficial than here. It's all about your preference.

On 5/10/2023 at 12:32 AM, BooksandTrees said:

It's just tough because sometimes the community leaders relapse and leave. The other issue is it's hard to help others when you can't help yourself. These feelings can lead you into making templates to follow to give you some sort of structure to recovery. He's right about templates. They feel like work. Don't do them. Most people who do them burnout and quit. 

I go through phases of long summary posts and then short posts about emotions or what I'm specifically dealing with. Try to make your posts so they help you most. If you want to vent, vent. If you are stuck on one thing, write one thing. 

I agree, it's important to do what works for you. I normally about five posts a month on current events and then a monthly report with the areas of my life. It helps me track the progress, devise ways to improve and appreciate the journey in the long run.

On 5/10/2023 at 12:32 AM, BooksandTrees said:

And this is unrelated, but I used to feel obligated to read every diary and post to help and it's exhausting. I feel bad that I don't write on everyone's page anymore but it's so important to have others help you during recovery. I ended up taking a long break from here because it burned me out. 

Take your time with it and let it go in waves. You both are doing great and it's big just being on the right path. 

Yeah, it takes time to create posts like these. I started reading related comments, thinking, writing and an has hour passed and I haven't even seen anything older than the 5th May post by @LordFederickRamsay. Don't spend this amount of energy on a journal of a guy who left the forum two years ago, have mercy with yourself.

---

@Zoe  What a cute cat! 😄

I'd recommend not editing older posts, unless you think it's impossible to share the information anymore. It makes it easier to follow the journal for others, as nobody will go through older posts just to see if you changed something, nor there are any obvious notifications in case you do. Journal soon! 🙂

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Day 4

I'm caught in such a huge, annoying loop of minutia in my head.  Self-loathing at its max right now.  I hate it, I want it to go away but in order for that to happen I have to endure and really get to know "it".  Just had a mental vision of whatever that monstrous thing on "Stranger Things" is.  Maybe that's what is in my head.  Ok, on with the real feelings instead of trying to avoid them with mindless chatter about fictional characters.  I've enjoyed reading through some journals on here and have been struck (in sort of a good way) by a few discussions about OCD @LordFederickRamsay@jailbreaker. My experience with OCD scares me, or is it annoys me...angers me? overwhelms me? Yeah, can't even decide on an emotion that fits.  It keeps me frozen.  I misunderstood how OCD shows up for me for a very long time.  I thought I was experiencing "Pure O" because I really didn't have any outwardly known compulsions.  Fast forward to however long it took to get a decent therapist...Oh yeah, feel the need to say that I decided to use this journal as my homework for Morning Pages from The Artist Way."  Sitting down to write three pages and then do a daily journal in here was getting a bit overwhelming and I find both of them helpful.  There, that thought out of my head.  Before I forget.  @LordFederickRamsay I love your therapists suggestion about treating intrusive thoughts like junk mail.  Ok, back in time to finding a decent therapist.  So, my therapist took the time to really dig deep on what might be compulsions for me.  We were finally able to pin point it.  When I have overwhelming/intrusive thoughts I start compulsively seeking reassurance. That can be through researching whatever those thoughts are and how to deal with them, or compulsively asking my husband if everything is ok, or other loved ones, co-workers, etc. etc.  In time, I was able to pick up how annoying this was to people that I started seeking reassurance in more manipulative ways.  I don't want to try to explain this...actually it's not a want, I just don't know how, don't have the words...just the feelings for it.  My point of all this is that I'm stuck in a loop in my head trying to decide if journaling online is good for me or if it will trigger the OCD in a detrimental way.  Part of me wants to say, yeah...go away...but then the other part of me, which I think is more rational is to stay with the process.  This is a place where I can practice and grow.  This experience doesn't have to be like past experiences.  As I wrote in my introduction post, I had a past online relationship which I'm really embarrassed about...tons of shame about that one.  But really, he fucked my head up, no he didn't do it...I did it...but yeah, not exactly a great person.  I just want to take responsibility for my actions and don't want to sound like the damsel in distress.  It's so weird how people "see me" online vs. "real life."  Makes me wonder what "real life" really is.  Online, I think I'm seen as pretty needy, sometimes a real asshole...other times...god don't get me started.  Real life, I'm able to pretty much fake having my shit together except to the people who I really allow in (maybe 2 people).  Jesus H. Christ...How did I get to here in this entry?  Still no games, so close last night but watched Real Housewives instead...always puts me to sleep in seconds. 

I'm going to try to limit my commitments on here to not get overwhelmed.  I'll keep up with 2 journals.  Definitely @LordFederickRamsayI'll take some time to pick another one so I don't choose out of obligation.  

 

@IkarThanks for the read and the advice.  

 

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1 hour ago, Zoe said:

My point of all this is that I'm stuck in a loop in my head trying to decide if journaling online is good for me or if it will trigger the OCD in a detrimental way.  Part of me wants to say, yeah...go away...but then the other part of me, which I think is more rational is to stay with the process.  This is a place where I can practice and grow.

 

The final decision is yours, you can speak your mind here, congratulations on getting through the days and digging deep into what the underlying issues of your struggles are.

 

And on the topic of feeling sometimes feeling like an impostor, just know that you aren't alone in a good way, and that sometimes being honest about it (specially with the people you feel closest to/trust the most)can help a lot since bad habits tend to fester and grow in the dark

Anyways I you can little by little learn how to deal with the things that cause you the most grief, and good luck in your journey

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23 hours ago, Zoe said:

Real life, I'm able to pretty much fake having my shit together except to the people who I really allow in (maybe 2 people).

Why do you feel like you need to fake having your shit together? What would help you soothe that feeling? This particular sentence is somewhat similar to what my girlfriend sometimes says. I'm always astounded when she does and the fact she doubts herself to this extent.

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Day 5

If I weren't well versed on the differential dx of ADHD and Bipolar I would make the very careless mistake of saying..."i'm so lsdkfj manic rightn now." In reality, I need to talk to my doc about upping the ADD meds...I'm all over the place.  Or maybe that's just because my brain is wondering why I'm keeping all the gaming dopamine from it?  Who knows...but my god.  I'm at my desk with a million things to do (work) and actually excited and have borderline grandiose ideas about how to fix these problems but then...oops..shiny new object...Let's work on that one...oh wait...that one is shinier...let's work on that..and so on and so on.  And then..Oh wow..I'm actually excited to Write in my journal today...Then...read replies from yesterday and want to answer all of them right now because my sense of time is ...Now...and not now.  I was keeping myself from coming here to type anything to impose restrictions and tell myself to focus.  In reality, just gonna post a bit and get that urge taken care of and then get back to work.  Ok, so...for now...If you do read my journal...thank you.  I feel like I'm going to have to do this at a "throughout the day" kind of fashion.  So, just know I'll journal in bits and pieces throughout the day and will just edit this post with updates so I don't make the system crash.  Soooooo...If you read and really want to get the full picture, probably best to wait until the end of the day or the next day.  Thanks @Ikarfor that catch.  More later!  

Oops...one more thought @LordFederickRamsayAt some point I would love to have a more in depth conversation with out about ADD.  Everytime I read your entries I can feel it, not in a bad way.  It's just something that is so misunderstood and honestly, once I understood it better it made so many missing links click for me. 

 

Ok seriously..bye. 

 

Update...Ok...made some progress.  2 major projects (although mundane) finished at work.  Emailed my doc about meds...yeah, need an adjustment.  I've been listening to clarinet all day!  Thanks @jailbreaker.Overall in a decent mood, just wayyyy overstimulated so, trying to work off excess energy by standing when I'm typing, taking a quick 1 minute walk.  it's working in a very minimal way, but..I am alive so there is that.  Going to try to reply to a few posts on my break. Forgot to mention...cravings pretty strong right now...probably why I feel like I have ants in my pants. 

update. strugglinggggggggg. I’m so frustrated and FOMO is on high right now. The NACT Championship for MLBB is this weekend and my favorite team is playing.Struggling cause I really wanna watch but I don’t think I’m there yet. It will trigger me big time. Sigh. 

I am figuring out that gaming for me always has an underlying profound loneliness to it. Which is weird cause…I don’t always like playing with other people. Ugh…I don’t have the words for this again. Going to go respond to some people cause I’m annoying myself. 

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6 hours ago, Zoe said:

Day 5

If I weren't well versed on the differential dx of ADHD and Bipolar I would make the very careless mistake of saying..."i'm so lsdkfj manic rightn now." In reality, I need to talk to my doc about upping the ADD meds...I'm all over the place. 

Be careful with med's Zoe! I know it's deeply personal and they help so much with some people and not with others, but I still feel obliged to say be very careful!

6 hours ago, Zoe said:

 I'm at my desk with a million things to do (work) and actually excited and have borderline grandiose ideas about how to fix these problems but then...oops..shiny new object...Let's work on that one...oh wait...that one is shinier...let's work on that..and so on and so on.  And then..Oh wow..I'm actually excited to Write in my journal today...Then...read replies from yesterday and want to answer all of them right now because my sense of time is ...Now...and not now.  I was keeping myself from coming here to type anything to impose restrictions and tell myself to focus.  In reality, just gonna post a bit and get that urge taken care of and then get back to work.

I think this is fine - the bit at the end where you say it's alright to come and vent here. Venting here is just so enjoyable and I believe positive! 

 

6 hours ago, Zoe said:

Ok, so...for now...If you do read my journal...thank you.  I feel like I'm going to have to do this at a "throughout the day" kind of fashion.  So, just know I'll journal in bits and pieces throughout the day and will just edit this post with updates so I don't make the system crash.  Soooooo...If you read and really want to get the full picture, probably best to wait until the end of the day or the next day.  Thanks @Ikarfor that catch.  More later!  

Oops...one more thought @LordFederickRamsayAt some point I would love to have a more in depth conversation with out about ADD.  Everytime I read your entries I can feel it, not in a bad way.  It's just something that is so misunderstood and honestly, once I understood it better it made so many missing links click for me. 

Sure! Definitely up for a chat. Although we could talk about it here? I think that'd be best. I find Discord sort of triggers my urges to game because I used to use it while I played Fortnite. Also, on your first post (I've confusingly replied to the second paragraph first) I do exactly that and it's fine! If you look at my journal entries you'll notice I write 'Update:' or 'Note:' - remember your journal is for you, so you can do it however much you wish. I would warn against expecting responses to the updates and notes though as I've been doing that since I begun and don't expect anyone to reply to those bits which I think is prudent. 

What I do is just write whatever's on my mind in the moment and then if I have a thought or note I want to update my journal with later on I just do that and it feels like then your journal entry is fully representative of your experience for that day instead of reading it back at a later date and feeling like there's stuff you missed out. 

Well done on getting to 5 days. The beginning is the hardest in terms of cravings. I'm only on 14 days but I barely feel (as you know) a desire to play (at the moment anyway - I'm sure they'll come back when faced with something stressful and unpleasant!

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12 hours ago, Ikar said:

Why do you feel like you need to fake having your shit together? What would help you soothe that feeling? This particular sentence is somewhat similar to what my girlfriend sometimes says. I'm always astounded when she does and the fact she doubts herself to this extent

@IkarAnswer has layers. 

-Top layer——Because I am embarrassed 

-Middle Layer——-Don’t want to burden people

—-Real real layer—-When a woman is authentic about having some melodramatic shit in her bones, people tend to have a very different reaction to her. My main issue is people dive right into wanting to fix it for me which is unintentionally demeaning. 

Not sure that makes any sense 

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4 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Be careful with med's Zoe! I know it's deeply personal and they help so much with some people and not with others, but I still feel obliged to say be very careful!

I appreciate your genuine concern. Now that I have read your intro, I understand this response. I’m really sorry that happened to you. I had a breakdown last summer also. Kinda for the opposite reason. I go through phases where I just refuse to take meds. It never ends well, but last summer was worse than it’s ever been.  My intrusive thoughts are very suicidal in nature. I hate them so much because I don’t want to kill myself. I have other thoughts that…blahhh. Back to the point. I stopped taking my meds and it was fine for about 5 days then…it wasn’t. I don’t remember most of it…but Hospitalization and some intense therapy afterwards got me through it. I have a great psychiatrist. I have been with her since 2014. It’s just a part of my life that meds are life saving. The meds for ADD actually slow the thoughts down a bit…for me. 

 

4 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Sure! Definitely up for a chat. Although we could talk about it here? I think that'd be best. I find Discord sort of triggers my urges to game because I used to use it while I played Fortnite

oh yeah! Definitely here! I don’t discord, or anything. 

 

4 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Well done on getting to 5 days

🙏 

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