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Zoe

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Day 6

Didn’t feel like journaling today, but checking in for consistency. Pharmacy out of my meds, so …I have to just maintain sanity until Monday. All good

Went to my little nephews birthday party so got some socializing in.

 

Really….Really tired . 

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24 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Well done on completing a full week game free! Yeah same, don't feel like writing much at the moment. Just remember to always check in! Don't want you to disappear on us. 

🙏

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Day 1. 

Yes, day 1 and so disappointed with myself.  I feel so guilty for disappointing people. I have to apologize. I know everyone will most likely say I don't need to, but, I do... For myself. 

Yesterday, I decided to watch the NA Championship for Mobile Legends because my favorite team was playing.  In was torture.  They were highly favored, but 6 hours later...yeah that's what best out of 7 will do they lost.  I was already feeling very low, mostly, because I messed up and didn't order my refill in enough time to not run out of meds so I hadn't taken them for two days.  Thankfully the pharmacy was restocked and I was able to pick them up last night.  Anyway, while I was watching the game, I picked up the switch (not mine, my husbands which he doesn't even play).  I didn't download any type of game I like...but I played Animal Crossing. As I've said a million times, I really have no interest in this game...My niece has an account on the device, and I just played on hers and built up her island.  It was totally for emotional soothing.  I wish I would have just gone to sleep.  

Enough on the self-pity.  I learned from the experience.  I learned that I really can't trust that it's only one game (well two, because LOL could probably pull me in pretty quickly).  So, my niece has an old switch, my husband is in agreement with just giving her ours.  Apparently not enough self-pity. I'm so embarrassed. I want to cry.  I'm torn because I know these feelings are caused by two things.  My failure at not gaming for 8 days and depression kicking in cause I lapsed on my meds.  Good thing I finally feel like I'm done, like I feel disgusting when I even think about gaming. Gotta be careful with that, because I know some of that could turn into intrusive thoughts of self-harm.  I don't have any urges to play because I see so clearly that it has control over me.  I'm going to go straight to it to soothe...but, yesterday it didn't...it just made me feel worse.  

I'm very grateful for this community because I felt a sense of responsibility to you guys.  Not only that, I knew I would be feeling support from you guys when I came here to write today.  I didn't have that before so I probably just would have convinced my husband that I didn't need to really quit and would have seriously relapsed.  This was a slip, a slip that I'm very reluctant to restart the clock on, but, I know it's the right thing to do.   

I watched Module 2 and 3..I think those are the numbers over again.  I've already previously prepared by deleting my accounts, giving my iPad away and now the stupid switch.  @jailbreaker.If there was a river near me, I would throw it in. 🤣Speaking of that, I want to relearn the clarinet.  I have one...God I hope I didn't pack it and put it in storage..We are in the process of building a house and selling this one and we are packing along the way.  Anyway, I can always go to storage and unpack it.  Do you recommend a brand of reed and what number to start out with?  It's seriously been YEARS.  Also...don't hate on The Pink Panther Theme lol.  The reason it's my favorite is cause it's the first piece my sister taught me.  I was in 3rd grade and couldn't read music, she taught me how to play by ear.  She was soooooo good. Anyway...it will be a really good way to fill my time cause I'll get obsessed with it.  🙂. Also, I'll have fun annoying my husband with the million awful wrenching sounds I will make while I'm learning.  Oh man, my poor cats hahahahaha.  

Ok, going to stop typing and maybe respond to one journal before I head off to work. 

Update—Just watched the WTF happened to men @LordFederickRamsay. Yeah, annoyed to say the least on numerous levels. Not going to be harsh on Cam, Just going to say this  in a loving manner. I say this as an army veteran, a professional in the helping field, a person with a serious mental illness and a woman….that video was careless. Well intentioned or not, careless.  

As an army veteran—Not sure if Cam is a veteran or not. If not, you don’t have the privilege of using us as an example for any sort of campaign/program you  are throwing out there. If he is, then he should  know better. 

As a helping professional and someone with a serious mental illness. Unless you have a license or at least some sort of professional experience, don’t give out advice on therapy. Shame doesn’t work, period and it’s what this video was all about, intentional or not. 

As a woman… That was misogynist AF. It’s my journal..So I don’t need to go into an explanation on this. ugh. 

I guess it did one good thing…I feel something other than empty. 

Update…This entry is pretty melodramatic. I’m fine, life is fine…it’s what I make of it. Have had some really good moments at work today. Was able to connect with some people in a way I haven’t been able to lately. 

Ughhhhh now I’m feeling self-conscious about being too intense on here. I don’t know how to not be intense. @LordFederickRamsay

I think maybe I’ll use a template again…that might keep things a bit contained. I can always use a written journal for the more intense things 

update. doing much better. Made an appt with a nutritionist. Feel good about that.

update. obsessing over some replies to my journal.  Feel like I seemed needy, really wasn’t being that. Was just in my feelings and journaling it out. Probably need to stop tagging people.  

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Zoe said:

Day 1. 

Yes, day 1 and so disappointed with myself.  I feel so guilty for disappointing people @LordFederickRamsay @jailbreaker. @BooksandTrees @Ikar @Faroe Islander. I have to apologize. I know everyone will most likely say I don't need to, but, I do... For myself. 

Yesterday, I decided to watch the NA Championship for Mobile Legends because my favorite team was playing.  In was torture.  They were highly favored, but 6 hours later...yeah that's what best out of 7 will do they lost.  I was already feeling very low, mostly, because I messed up and didn't order my refill in enough time to not run out of meds so I hadn't taken them for two days.  Thankfully the pharmacy was restocked and I was able to pick them up last night.  Anyway, while I was watching the game, I picked up the switch (not mine, my husbands which he doesn't even play).  I didn't download any type of game I like...but I played Animal Crossing. As I've said a million times, I really have no interest in this game...My niece has an account on the device, and I just played on hers and built up her island.  It was totally for emotional soothing.  I wish I would have just gone to sleep.  

Enough on the self-pity.  I learned from the experience.  I learned that I really can't trust that it's only one game (well two, because LOL could probably pull me in pretty quickly).  So, my niece has an old switch, my husband is in agreement with just giving her ours.  Apparently not enough self-pity. I'm so embarrassed. I want to cry.  I'm torn because I know these feelings are caused by two things.  My failure at not gaming for 8 days and depression kicking in cause I lapsed on my meds.  Good thing I finally feel like I'm done, like I feel disgusting when I even think about gaming. Gotta be careful with that, because I know some of that could turn into intrusive thoughts of self-harm.  I don't have any urges to play because I see so clearly that it has control over me.  I'm going to go straight to it to soothe...but, yesterday it didn't...it just made me feel worse.  

I'm very grateful for this community because I felt a sense of responsibility to you guys.  Not only that, I knew I would be feeling support from you guys when I came here to write today.  I didn't have that before so I probably just would have convinced my husband that I didn't need to really quit and would have seriously relapsed.  This was a slip, a slip that I'm very reluctant to restart the clock on, but, I know it's the right thing to do.   

I watched Module 2 and 3..I think those are the numbers over again.  I've already previously prepared by deleting my accounts, giving my iPad away and now the stupid switch.  @jailbreaker.If there was a river near me, I would throw it in. 🤣Speaking of that, I want to relearn the clarinet.  I have one...God I hope I didn't pack it and put it in storage..We are in the process of building a house and selling this one and we are packing along the way.  Anyway, I can always go to storage and unpack it.  @jailbreaker.Do you recommend a brand of reed and what number to start out with?  It's seriously been YEARS.  Also...don't hate on The Pink Panther Theme lol.  The reason it's my favorite is cause it's the first piece my sister taught me.  I was in 3rd grade and couldn't read music, she taught me how to play by ear.  She was soooooo good. Anyway...it will be a really good way to fill my time cause I'll get obsessed with it.  🙂. Also, I'll have fun annoying my husband with the million awful wrenching sounds I will make while I'm learning.  Oh man, my poor cats hahahahaha.  

Ok, going to stop typing and maybe respond to one journal before I head off to work. 

You didn't disappoint me. We're in recovery together. Everyone relapses. The only person you probably disappointed was yourself and maybe someone in your household. 

Most of us are focusing on ourselves and immediate others. Not trying to be selfish, but don't view it as that sort of group. The less of a deal you make about relapse the more successful you'll be. The more you think about something the worse it is. Just focus on your next steps and move on. 

You got this. 

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19 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Most of us are focusing on ourselves and immediate others. Not trying to be selfish, but don't view it as that sort of group. The less of a deal you make about relapse the more successful you'll be. The more you think about something the worse it is. Just focus on your next steps and move on.

Appreciate the reply..Definitely working on moving forward. I learned from it @BooksandTrees

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You didn't disappoint me. We're in recovery together. Everyone relapses. 

Most of us are focusing on ourselves and immediate others. Not trying to be selfish, but don't view it as that sort of group. The less of a deal you make about relapse the more successful you'll be. The more you think about something the worse it is. Just focus on your next steps and move on. 

You got this. 

This. 

I would say that this is the problem with prescriptive advice. It might exaggerate how bad you feel when you go back to the thing you've been strongly recommended to quit, and have been trying to quit. I know it's wrong for me but part of me just wants to say, 'it's just a game, don't be so hard on yourself'. I guess I have a lot to learn as of yet. 

Your post was quite intense. Watch out for becoming too emotionally invested in this community. And listen to @BooksandTrees advice as I think he's correct for the most part. 

Edited by LordFederickRamsay
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@BooksandTrees  put it eloquently. Better than I would. I believe he's speaking from his own experience. You don't want to replace an addiction by another addiction.

5 hours ago, Zoe said:

As an army veteran—Not sure if Cam is a veteran or not. If not, you don’t have the privilege of using us as an example for any sort of campaign/program you  are throwing out there. If he is, then he should  know better. 

Well said. Where did you serve? How was it? I'm curious, because I also served, although in Czechia 😄

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2 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Well said. Where did you serve? How was it? I'm curious, because I also served, although in Czechia 😄

@IkarGlad to have a fellow vet here! Served throughout  the United states, deployed to Iraqx2. It was ok as it could be…time not deployed was great for structure. I’ve always kinda been one of the boys, so enjoyed competing against them in physical fitness stuff. Deployments..war is not cool..but I survived, kept my integrity and left. 😀How was it for you?

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13 hours ago, Zoe said:

I watched Module 2 and 3..I think those are the numbers over again.  I've already previously prepared by deleting my accounts, giving my iPad away and now the stupid switch.  @jailbreaker.If there was a river near me, I would throw it in. 🤣Speaking of that, I want to relearn the clarinet.  I have one...God I hope I didn't pack it and put it in storage..We are in the process of building a house and selling this one and we are packing along the way.  Anyway, I can always go to storage and unpack it.  Do you recommend a brand of reed and what number to start out with?  It's seriously been YEARS.  Also...don't hate on The Pink Panther Theme lol.  The reason it's my favorite is cause it's the first piece my sister taught me.  I was in 3rd grade and couldn't read music, she taught me how to play by ear.  She was soooooo good. Anyway...it will be a really good way to fill my time cause I'll get obsessed with it.  🙂. Also, I'll have fun annoying my husband with the million awful wrenching sounds I will make while I'm learning.  Oh man, my poor cats hahahahaha.

 

Yes! Way to go with giving the Switch and the iPad away! And I'm thankful that there aren't any rivers near you😂

 

Oh! Clarinet stuff! Yeah! Okay, first off, it's gonna be a bit of an investment.

 

If you're willing/able to pay for at least...

  • a good mouthpiece, (around $100)
  • a good inverted ligature, (around $50 to $60)
  • some good reeds, (about $25 for a box of 10 reeds)
  • and some basic cleaning supplies ($15)...
    • (total = about $200)

 ...you'll have fun playing and sound good no matter what kind of clarinet you have, or your skill level. (Unless it's a $100 clarinet from Amazon. Those things don't just sound bad, but they often have toxic materials in them, and they're basically impossible to repair. Yeesh.)

 

Don't worry if you can't play more than a few notes right off the bat. Just play what you can with confidence! 

I personally have fun and feel the least self-conscious when I just try to make a good, rich sound (with good technique).

 

Alright, here's where I make some brand recommendations and give you some (hopefully) helpful pointers.

 

Before I get into reeds!

Here's the most important equipment you'll need if ya wanna feel comfortable while playing, and wanna sound good:

 

  • A good mouthpiece and teeth guards. (yes, a good mouthpiece is expensive, but it's the most important part of the clarinet)
    • Doesn't matter how fancy a clarinet is... if the mouthpiece is bad... everything will be more difficult to play and sound wonky.
    • I'd recommend either a Vandoren 5RV Lyre mouthpiece or a BD5. (Vandoren is just always a safe bet.)
      • Personally, I like the BD5 sound better, but it's a bit harder to push air through.
    • teeth guards are essential for keeping the mouthpiece intact.
      • also it's just nice to have a comfy little pad to rest your teeth on

 

  • An inverted clarinet ligature.
    • Standard ligatures restrict reed vibration a bit,
      • and since you're just starting out again, the less air resistance, the better.
        • (less squeaking!)
    • feel free to get a cheaper standard one, but don't say I didn't warn ya about the resistance and squeaking.

 

  • Thumb rest cushion (usually comes with cleaning kit)
    • just so you don't get the infamous clarinet thumb pain

 

Okay, so, the reeds are next:

 

  • A box of basic, 2.5 thickness, Vandoren reeds (and if you stick with it, you can move up to 3's and 3.5's for a fuller tone).
    • They're basically the standard for beginning clarinet.

 

 

Notes on reeds:

 

  • A good reed:
    • is yellowish in color (not green or brown)
      • can have some little brown spots on the part that's in the mouth; that's normal
    • is a little translucent towards the tip,
    • has thin, brown, vertical lines on it (no thick brown lines)
    • feels relatively smooth on the tongue
      • (if it's rough, it'll sound grainy)
    • has a slope in the middle, which flattens out towards the tip,
      • slope is even on both sides
    • and doesn't have any splinters. (ouch)

 

  • Other reed brands may be cheaper, but that's because they often don't have good quality reeds.
    • that said, there's still a solid chance that a few of the reeds in a Vandoren box will be a little iffy (sound grainy or have some other flaw).

 

  • About new reeds:
    • Almost every reed sounds a little grainy when you first start playing it.
      • try watching some youtube videos about breaking in new reeds! It'll help a lot!

 

Optional reed stuff: ($15 to $30)

  • A reed box with a little humidity-control pack is nice to have,
    • but not really necessary...
      • unless you live in a really humid place.
        • reeds will get moldy (in the dark) or start coming back to life (in the light) 
          • (green zombie reeds aaa lol)
    • It's okay to leave a little spit on them after playing,
      • just make sure ya store them in a cool, dry, dark place.

 

 

Some important cleaning/maintenance supplies:

 

  • Basic clarinet cleaning kit (2 swabs, mouthpiece brush, dust brush, polishing cloth)
    • careful not to scratch the inside of the mouthpiece when brushing it
  • Cork grease
  • Bore oil

 

 

WHEW!

I think that about covers everything you'll need if you wanna:

1) feel comfortable while playing, and

2) sound gouda🧀

 

 

Best of luck on your clarinet-ing! Jeez, now you're making me wanna play more. 

 

P.S. - The Digital Clarinet Academy has some helpful online resources if you wanna use that. Majority of it is free, and I like seeing their newsletters, personally.

Edited by jailbreaker.
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13 hours ago, Zoe said:

@IkarGlad to have a fellow vet here! Served throughout  the United states, deployed to Iraqx2. It was ok as it could be…time not deployed was great for structure. I’ve always kinda been one of the boys, so enjoyed competing against them in physical fitness stuff. Deployments..war is not cool..but I survived, kept my integrity and left. 😀How was it for you?

Oh, I wouldn't dare to call myself a "veteran", as I wasn't on any tour outside. I was at the army university for a year, half a year as a radio operator and half a year in transition/training. I quit because I was pissed off that I saw no way of getting past the army bureaucracy to relocate somewhere to do something useful with my English, although I was surely more of an idiot five years ago 😄

Agreed on the structure, I have to have good organization skills in my line of work dealing with 20+ students weekly. I got a gun license three years back. I'm planning to go to the shooting range again soon with some friends, one of whom is a former Royal Marine I believe. I'm still using a bunch of my army clothing for leisure/around the house activities, as it's comfortable and because I like to reuse things 😄

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12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

 

Yes! Way to go with giving the Switch and the iPad away! And I'm thankful that there aren't any rivers near you😂

 

Oh! Clarinet stuff! Yeah! Okay, first off, it's gonna be a bit of an investment.

 

If you're willing/able to pay for at least...

  • a good mouthpiece, (around $100)
  • a good inverted ligature, (around $50 to $60)
  • some good reeds, (about $25 for a box of 10 reeds)
  • and some basic cleaning supplies ($15)...
    • (total = about $200)

 ...you'll have fun playing and sound good no matter what kind of clarinet you have, or your skill level. (Unless it's a $100 clarinet from Amazon. Those things don't just sound bad, but they often have toxic materials in them, and they're basically impossible to repair. Yeesh.)

 

Don't worry if you can't play more than a few notes right off the bat. Just play what you can with confidence! 

I personally have fun and feel the least self-conscious when I just try to make a good, rich sound (with good technique).

 

Alright, here's where I make some brand recommendations and give you some (hopefully) helpful pointers.

 

Before I get into reeds!

Here's the most important equipment you'll need if ya wanna feel comfortable while playing, and wanna sound good:

 

  • A good mouthpiece and teeth guards. (yes, a good mouthpiece is expensive, but it's the most important part of the clarinet)
    • Doesn't matter how fancy a clarinet is... if the mouthpiece is bad... everything will be more difficult to play and sound wonky.
    • I'd recommend either a Vandoren 5RV Lyre mouthpiece or a BD5. (Vandoren is just always a safe bet.)
      • Personally, I like the BD5 sound better, but it's a bit harder to push air through.
    • teeth guards are essential for keeping the mouthpiece intact.
      • also it's just nice to have a comfy little pad to rest your teeth on

 

  • An inverted clarinet ligature.
    • Standard ligatures restrict reed vibration a bit,
      • and since you're just starting out again, the less air resistance, the better.
        • (less squeaking!)
    • feel free to get a cheaper standard one, but don't say I didn't warn ya about the resistance and squeaking.

 

  • Thumb rest cushion (usually comes with cleaning kit)
    • just so you don't get the infamous clarinet thumb pain

 

Okay, so, the reeds are next:

 

  • A box of basic, 2.5 thickness, Vandoren reeds (and if you stick with it, you can move up to 3's and 3.5's for a fuller tone).
    • They're basically the standard for beginning clarinet.

 

 

Notes on reeds:

 

  • A good reed:
    • is yellowish in color (not green or brown)
      • can have some little brown spots on the part that's in the mouth; that's normal
    • is a little translucent towards the tip,
    • has thin, brown, vertical lines on it (no thick brown lines)
    • feels relatively smooth on the tongue
      • (if it's rough, it'll sound grainy)
    • has a slope in the middle, which flattens out towards the tip,
      • slope is even on both sides
    • and doesn't have any splinters. (ouch)

 

  • Other reed brands may be cheaper, but that's because they often don't have good quality reeds.
    • that said, there's still a solid chance that a few of the reeds in a Vandoren box will be a little iffy (sound grainy or have some other flaw).

 

  • About new reeds:
    • Almost every reed sounds a little grainy when you first start playing it.
      • try watching some youtube videos about breaking in new reeds! It'll help a lot!

 

Optional reed stuff: ($15 to $30)

  • A reed box with a little humidity-control pack is nice to have,
    • but not really necessary...
      • unless you live in a really humid place.
        • reeds will get moldy (in the dark) or start coming back to life (in the light) 
          • (green zombie reeds aaa lol)
    • It's okay to leave a little spit on them after playing,
      • just make sure ya store them in a cool, dry, dark place.

 

 

Some important cleaning/maintenance supplies:

 

  • Basic clarinet cleaning kit (2 swabs, mouthpiece brush, dust brush, polishing cloth)
    • careful not to scratch the inside of the mouthpiece when brushing it
  • Cork grease
  • Bore oil

 

 

WHEW!

I think that about covers everything you'll need if you wanna:

1) feel comfortable while playing, and

2) sound gouda🧀

 

 

Best of luck on your clarinet-ing! Jeez, now you're making me wanna play more. 

 

P.S. - The Digital Clarinet Academy has some helpful online resources if you wanna use that. Majority of it is free, and I like seeing their newsletters, personally.

@jailbreaker.Oh yayyyyy! Thank you for all of the advice. I need to dig my clarinet out of storage. Definitely not a wal-mart brand, just don’t remember exactly what it is. Omg..mouthpiece sounds wonderful. I can’t wait!

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Oh, I wouldn't dare to call myself a "veteran", as I wasn't on any tour outside. I was at the army university for a year, half a year as a radio operator and half a year in transition/training

@Ikar A veteran is a veteran. period. 

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

I got a gun license three years back. I'm planning to go to the shooting range again soon with some friends, one of whom is a former Royal Marine I believe

Yeah, I’m not your typical veteran lol. I don’t own a gun, not against responsible gun ownership, I just choose not to. 

I am proud of my time in the service, yet it taught me that war is ugly and soldiers are pretty much used as pawns for political agendas they have no idea about. Usually soooo young when they join.  Just wasn’t for me, so I left. Weird, cause the family I built while in, I would still do anything for. Just an amazing bond. 

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Day 2

Better than day 1. Yesterday I made myself get outside and go for a walk. Was really hard because i was very down, but, it made me feel better. Today I decided to indulge in some self care and called in sick. I needed that. Did a training I was behind on. Just relaxed cause anxiety is high…not a bad thing…jus noting my feelings. 

Excited about my desire to relearn how to play the clarinet. I need some fun things in my life. 😀

Really grateful for my husband right now. He’s been extremely supportive the past few days. 

I think that’s it

Edited because I forgot something! While I was as walking, I had my headphones in and listened to  recording of buddhist monks chanting. It ALWAYS helps to soften my intrusive thoughts and rumination. I am very glad i am remembering some of my old healthy coping strategies 

 

 

 

Edited by Zoe
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Day 4. 

I like the style of @jailbreaker.journal. Particularly beginning with a gratitude journal. I really need to work on my mood, so this sets the stage. 

Random question..Is there a way to save a journal entry without submitting?

Ok gratitude

Im very grateful for an old friend coming to me for help yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him in years. He has bipolar and was in the beginning of a manic episode. He said I was the person he thought to call to help bring him down. That meant a lot to me. I’m also very grateful he was able to work through it with me and he is safe. 

2nd thing… I’m grateful for one particular  connection I had at work. I work in a hospital with people who are receiving hospice and palliative care. The work is mostly with their families . Anyway, I have been having a really hard time genuinely connecting with the patients (hate calling them that), but my management and the bureaucracy has me so burned out. Butttttt… there was a moment with a gentleman’s daughter where I just really was feeling her pain. She is having such a hard time accepting his prognosis. The doctors were talking to her with medical jargon that nobody understands. I finally just asked everyone to take a break. I sat down and simply said…I can not imagine how devastating it is to lose your father, your rock. She let out this gut wrenching  cry, laid her head on my lap and just weeped. I can’t explain the feeling. I truly believe we are all born with gifts and I know mine is being able to connect and comfort people during this time. It is really a precious time. 

And 3rd… Had a good walk to the car with my colleague after our shift. Good talk. 

I guess 4… glad I’m not sick anymore!

I am wishing I had an accountability buddy, whatever that looks like. I really relate to @LordFederickRamsaywhen he writes about having all these thing he wants to do, but struggles with procrastinating and getting them started. For me, when I’m doing that it’s usually because of two things. 1. I simply don’t believe in what I’m doing—-work and bureaucracy. Working on that…leaving for private practice but it takes time and timing lol. I need to figure out a way to still bring joy in my life at work while I’m working on this. 2. I don’t think I can do it, am afraid of being embarrassed or failing…or getting in trouble? This is when I get urges to game. So yeah, gotta figure that out 

Listening to I”be got Rhythm and all the cats join in. Thank you @jailbreaker.. I love  the rhythm one. Reminds me of a time in 8th grade. A bandmate had such beautiful tone but I could play fastttttt. She would get so mad at me hahaha. Fun memories. 

Ok gonna head into work. Hope everyone has a good day. 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Zoe said:

Random question..Is there a way to save a journal entry without submitting?

There is some mechanism that keeps the text in the cache of your browser if you go to another page or close the window, but it's not always 100% reliable.

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17 hours ago, Zoe said:

I am wishing I had an accountability buddy, whatever that looks like. I really relate to @LordFederickRamsaywhen he writes about having all these thing he wants to do, but struggles with procrastinating and getting them started. For me, when I’m doing that it’s usually because of two things. 1. I simply don’t believe in what I’m doing—-work and bureaucracy. Working on that…leaving for private practice but it takes time and timing lol. I need to figure out a way to still bring joy in my life at work while I’m working on this. 2. I don’t think I can do it, am afraid of being embarrassed or failing…or getting in trouble? This is when I get urges to game. So yeah, gotta figure that out 

Procrastinating... accountability... Sometimes, when I feel stumped on how to approach a situation, I look up the etymology and synonyms of the words that describe it.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you'll find it worthwhile? Idk, maybe it'd just end up being just another form of procrastination for you!😂 Definitely sounds like a rabbit hole, now that I think of it. In any case, as long as I don't spend too much time going down the rabbit hole (I usually set a timer), I feel like I gain a new understanding of my situation. Hope it helps if ya decide to try it.

 

(Side tangent-story: This reminds me of when I was moving into the dorms in college, and I noticed the Chinese word "fouzhan" carved into my desk. It was written in Latin alphabet letters, not Chinese characters, so that's why I could read it. Anyway, it literally translates to "no station" in English. I guess it makes sense, since it was etched into a "work station," (my desk) and it was probably just meant to be edgy. But I still found it to be rather curious and intriguing. It's also a feminine Arabic name meaning "loud cry/loud call." I don't know what to make of that, but it's still fascinating. I like to imagine little synapses formin' in the ol' brain as I think of all these different connections to words.)

Edited by jailbreaker.
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5 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Just a suggestion, but maybe you'll find it worthwhile? Idk, maybe it'd just end up being just another form of procrastination for you!😂 Definitely sounds like a rabbit hole, now that I think of it. In any case, as long as I don't spend too much time going down the rabbit hole (I usually set a timer), I feel like I gain a new understanding of my situation. Hope it helps if ya decide to try it.

 

I'll totally try it out, thanks for the suggestion.  

I think my stuck looks like this...I know what I want to do...how to start...then I freeze....like my mind goes blank.  Ohhhhh thought of something to rabbit hole on.  My therapist has talked to me a lot about dissociation.  I've always had a very stereotypical sort of understanding of the process. But the way she explains it, I agree with her that it happens to me a lot.  I don't know why I just had this moment of clarity that this could be what's happening.  Now rabbit hole....gonna research it...or should I not.  Lol..I'm so the Queen of procrastination. 

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Day 5. 

Woke up sort of late, so feeling a little rushed.  

Gratitude. 

My best friend is visiting from Boston tomorrow!!! We all splurged on an Airbnb for Saturday and Sunday.  It will be my 2 best friends, two five year olds and  one. 1.5 year old....Oh and two husbands lol.  I realllly miss her.  

Great talk with one of my friends yesterday, she's going to help me with the procrastination thing.  We set a time to work on a few important things on Monday together.  It really helps me when I have someone with me.  I love the idea of body doubling, until I decide I don't like people lol.  Also, it usually comes in the form of ADHD Coaching which costs wayyyy too much money in my opinion.  Did I just ruin my gratitude by getting negative?  Oh this  brain of mine.  

This new ice cream flavor, something like apple pie and vanilla.  It's so good. 

 

Soooooooooo....I've been scrolling youtube a bit too much.  Gotta stop that, and I will...I might just use it as my quitting gaming methadone for a little bit.  lol. 

 

I've been feeling a bit self conscious about taking medication for the mental health stuff I experience.  I thought about this A LOT last night...way too much.  I feel myself getting anxious about getting people's approval.  My Mom doesn't really believe in mental illness, although it's quite obvious what genes I get this from.  Anyways, back to medication.  I so wish I could manage everything without it,  I'm just afraid to.  I don't want to end up hospitalized again, that sucked, in the long run helped, but not something I want to do again.  Ok, back to the ruminating.  I though about an analogy of dialysis which seems to have made a lot more sense last night when I was ruminating, but I'm gonna try to write it out.  Ok, dialysis...the process of purifying one's blood when their kidney's aren't doing it for them.  It eliminates the waste and excess fluid from the body that a healthy person's kidneys do for them.  So, I have excess thoughts which most of the time are wasteful, they are taking up space in my head that I could use for something like....oh I don't know, getting started on the things I know will make me happier?  So yeah, the medications that my doctor rec's are kind of like dialysis for my brain...now imagining that picture in my head.  I, nor most people, would tell a person who is otherwise healthy but has jacked kidneys to not do or stop dialysis...at least I think the majority of people would not.  So, why is treatment for mental health so different?  Our mind, brain...all those things above the neck are a part of our body.  I've never understood why the acceptance of medical treatment stops at the neck for many people in society.  That's enough deep thoughts for the moment. 

I want to get caught up on a few journals @jailbreaker.and @LordFederickRamsayand if I have energy a few more.  But, right now I need to stop avoiding going to work and just go. 

The end. 

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3 hours ago, Zoe said:

Soooooooooo....I've been scrolling youtube a bit too much.  Gotta stop that, and I will...I might just use it as my quitting gaming methadone for a little bit.  lol. 

Relate to this. Not so much anymore. Really cut it out. Would watch out for this though as feels like a replacement to gaming sometimes. I say that but I'm stilling binging GOT episodes atm so...still leaves me feeling less guilty than watching YouTube for some reason.

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