Pochatok

Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). Urges more significant today- I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest. I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when?

imo, there is nothing you have but the present moment- every time an action is delayed (be it quitting your job cuz you don't like it (not to self-project, lol)), it is essentially erased from existence. the less I've been taking future- not just a month from now, but simply tomorrow, the very next hour -for granted, the more I've found myself working w/ my values and dreams. also, i recommend this video essay on purpose/reason for doing things. it has helped me tremendously.

Hey, have you encountered the "mindful self-compassion workbook"? has helped me tremendously in the 'being hard on yourself' issue. perhaps, what you're struggling w/ isn't reaching expectations, but setting them realistically. do you have an in-depth understanding of your circumstances, of your struggles, of your pains? how do your expectations take that into account? different things are hard for different people- don't beat yourself up for the universal human experience of struggling ❤️

Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things. The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule. Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism.

Day one completed- I am committed to becoming a different person. Remember the future I want- and what it will take to get me there. Today, my main aim is to review a lot of my "everyday" habits, and eliminate all those useless- such as unguided learning, compulsory eating, lack of social engagement, lack of meditation, etc.. It's been overdue, for me to establish more long-term, far-outlook routines. Onwards- to aid my journey against addiction, I will take some time to read additional essays on healthy relationships❤️

Been getting distracted a lot this morning- and upon a social interaction, realized how much my self-awareness expands when I get to talk to other people. It's something I dearly, dearly miss- genuine conversations where I get to be my (best) self. Having access to this currently unmet need- of regular human interaction -will help me greatly w/ my current struggle against pornography. Here's onto day 1. Much more committed- remember, if I manage to truly rid myself of this one addiction, the effects will span across my entire livelihood. onwards!

looking through past entries, i notice that my quitting of games was not immediate- i held onto gameplay videos for awhile, and did fill my time w/ other poor habits. it was not until beginning of 2021 when i was able to quit fully. i need to maintain the needs that pornography is currently fullfilling in some way- the issue being, i do not understand what those needs are. pornography desire comes up when i am very stressed and/or very tired. perhaps, it simply the need to rest (especially my mind, less so my body). i should respect that- my workaholic-ness is what drives me to this level of exhaustion. i need to respect my own boundaries- and here we go, back to self-compassion. will dedicate the last 30mins of this day to learning more on self-compassion, then.

no relapse yet- practicing positive exposure again, does help a lot w/ more committed unlearning of my habits as the outcome. But a long way to go in terms of commitment- I am not desperate to quit. I want to be.

Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values! I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.

And a relapse. Similar mode of relapse- low awareness of what I am doing, no red lights went off until I was well into the process. What frustrates me, then, is that upon recognition of my mistake, I continued nonetheless. That's what must go- relapses like this may happen. But nothing will change unless I keep the stakes high, and treat my mistakes as something worth addressing.

Used to think similarly; however, I've learned that I get things done a lot quicker when I do listen to that pain. When I do not, my body/mind are multitasking- trying to both do the thing and ignore the pain.

Recommitting - day 7. I am mindful about who I am, and I will continue to change my life. I do not want to waste a minute- every second I get to inhabit this body is a blessing, and opportunity granted by god/universe to lessen the suffering of other living beings. Po

Brief update- day 5. Both keeping mindful of who I am (not someone who engages in escapist activities like pornography) and what I want (connecting w/ real people- friends ❤️). Life has been accelerating- I feel more driven than when writing my last update. This urgency is energizing- hope to keep riding the wave, safely.

I appreciate your warmth in this reply ❤️ I believe that my basic needs are met, more or less- I do have the basic habits, but no guiding star to drive them further. I get up early, but not as soon as I wake up. I exercise, but don't break a sweat. Why would I- life doesn't have a very clear sense of purpose. I am starting to uncover more of what I don't want- but there is still so much fog in the area of my passions. It's both an issue of practice- I don't get to do a lot of the things (I think) I enjoy -and an issue of priority- more everyday tasks like reading tend to fill up most of my day. introspective is difficult, especially when I'm by myself- thank you for your encouragement!

Do you do any mindfulness/meditation? Imo, it could be not the hydration, but that you're having trouble noticing that you're dehydrated. For me, a lot of my physical discomforts have lessened once I began listening to myself a lot more. Until then, I could never figure it out- was I eating too much, or too little; too early or too late?.. What it all came to was learning to hear what my body is telling me- b/c those needs change every day. Feeling dehydrated and overhydrated can appear very similar- it's listening deeper that guides me to the right responses to physical discomforts.