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  1. Day #60/90 2/3 of the way there! I'm honestly pretty impressed with my streak so far! I definitely feel I have a lot more done compared to my last semester (completely devastating semester) and it's all thanks to the time opened up from dropping games. Anyways, I wasn't as productive as I'd like to be today but I did make time for myself which I guess is inherently productive for self care purposes. I studied with a friend on campus and I'd call our session successful! Anyways, there's not much to comment on otherwise. Tomorrow marks another day to grind! What I'm thankful for: My mental strength. I didn't realize how much restraint I could exercise until I did something like quit games for an extensive period of time. Goals for Day #61: Animation homework Painting homework Portfolio oriented work. Take real breaks. Do something for you.
  2. Day #58-59/90 What a laborious 48 hours. I shouldn't really even be up right now, but at least I don't have class tomorrow. I spent the last few days animating 24/7. I still have a week to do this assignment, but I am trying to ensure I make it as portfolio ready as possible. Not much to say, but I do think the way I managed my last few days was pretty unhealthy. I did nothing but animate, I definitely should've taken a step away from my screens and walked or something because I feel like a zombie. What I'm thankful for: The merciful workload this semester. I can afford my bad habits but I still feel bad about them. Goals for Day #60 Take a walk. Engage in social activity outside of the house. Work on animation/painting homework. Portfolio corrections based on feedback.
  3. Day #57/90 Today sucked. I ended up missing class because I was feeling extremely weak and lethargic, and I know its because I havent allowed myself to get enough sleep. I haven't been paying attention to my physical health all too well. I've neglected to mention that this point in my life is likely the most out of shape I've ever been. Stress eating, inconsistent usage of antidepressants among many other bad habits have contributed to my current physical state, and it's definitely what has been dragging me down these days. I should honestly sleep now. I'm painting a pinecone but it's not worth the time spent being awake. What im thankful for: Being young enough to bounce back from these habits faster than I would later on in life. Goals for Day #58: Finish animation homework.
  4. Day #56/90 I got a lot of feedback on my portfolio today. A lot of varying opinions on the overall structure and quality of my portfolio pieces, but ultimately I was met with an overall consensus that I don't have much to worry about. I was very slow today. As a result, I didn't actually get a lot done. Hopefully that won't be the case for tomorrow. Not much else to say otherwise. What I'm thankful for: The time I spend alone. It can be a blessing or a curse, but I feel it's a necessity regardless. Goals for Day #57 Grind out animation homework Start pinecone painting
  5. Day #55/90 My family wanted to spend time with me so for a majority of today, that's what we did. We went over to a park local to my area. I rollerbladed alongside my sister riding a longboard, and she managed to get some photography work in. Afterwards we went to a restaurant where I bordered some spaghetti. Throughout the pockets of time I did have I worked on a pencil rendering for my portfolio, just to utilize the idle time. Now I'm back and ready to either continue working on portfolio work or animation homework. It was a simple day, but not a bad one by any means. Time kinda just flew by without much room for the typical introspection I'd normally have with my free time. What I'm thankful for: Living so close to my family. Not many have the luxury of studying within their immediate family's vicinity. Goals for Day #56: Work on animation homework Work on portfolio. The time for submission approaches.
  6. Day #54/90 I'll be honest, i forgot the entire point of this journaling process was to aid my journey in quitting video games. The fact 54 days have passed is kind of ridiculous. It truly felt like I blinked and time flew past me instantly. Anyways, today I spent my time working on a pencil render. I spent countless hours on it today and the fact I don't feel fatigue from investing time in such a time consuming project is always so validating to me. It shows me how patient I've truly become and to trust the process of building my fundamentals, regardless of how mundane they may be. The fact I enjoy rendering a cube for hours on end speaks volumes to me. At the moment I'm working on my Acorn Painting. I'm addressing some of the issues I have with the simplicity of the acorn. Otherwise I spent the majority of my day grinding out schoolwork, as I should be. What I'm thankful for: My slow recovery. 2020 up until now has been a long process of mental rehabilitation but I'm finally starting to feel more free to be vulnerable to those I'm closest to again. Goals for Day #55 Work on portfolio work Work on animation homework Watch a film. Take a break from the 24/7 art grind.
  7. Day #53/90 I spent a majority of today with my sister. After going to my ortho appointment, we went to a local bakery and got some sweets. We then headed to Best Buy and browsed various electronics. I was particularly interested in a new laptop, since my current one is on its last legs. I likely won't be able to invest for a while though, since I'm not currently employed. Once I start working again sometime this Spring that'll definitely be on my mind when it comes to future investments. Otherwise, I didn't really work today. I'll allow it this time because I was working 24/7 throughout the entirety of last week. Once I spend a little time with a friend tomorrow though, I'm headed straight back home and grinding out my artwork. What I'm thankful for: My vision. I need to take better care of it... Goals for Day #54 Work on portfolio work Make good progress on homework
  8. I agree with your points, but most of my ambitions to get better at what I'm doing isn't primarily placed in an inherent desire to become a cog in a corporate machine, but more or less coming from a place that denies I can't become a good artist in the first place. It's possible that someone like me over 5 years ago would've probably hated artists if highly accessible AI generated image making had come during that time. I never would've understood what it meant to pour everything into art, and how difficult and fulfilling it truly was to become so skilled at a craft that has a ludicrously high skill ceiling. I would've had a level of entitlement to pretty rendered images, not being able to fully understand why artists are so upset with the rise of AI. The reason skill and technique matter so much to me is because I'm proving to myself and anyone else who tried to bring me down that the lies I was fed were complete bs. As selfish as it sounds, I haven't even started thinking as far as serving others, because I'm still trying to take care of myself. You could even say I'm doing this out of spite ("screw you, I do what I want" kind of energy), but any ambitions motivated by spite are still rooted in my innate desire to create altogether, and not spite alone. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll be able to outcompete AI in the industry, but I think regardless of whether or not I do end up getting replaced, I'll still carry myself with a level of fulfillment those who don't understand a grind will never reach. It's not even really about art, it's about whether or not people understand why automation cannot fulfill people who enjoy immersion in highly skilled crafts like us.
  9. Day #52/90 I actually fell asleep at I was typing this. Guess I was that exhausted. I spent a majority of my day working on my animation homework. It was such a hassle to find reference for the character I wanted to animate, but I managed to find some good resources after a long search. The day overall wasn't very eventful but that's alright. What I'm thankful for: Having a very light weekend. Not having a lot of homework feels weird. Goals for Day #53: Work on what little homework I have Work on portfolio work. Time to shift into high gear.
  10. Day #51/90 Wow, I got knocked out. Yesterday was a pile of garbage in terms of productivity. I pulled an all-nighter the night before (completely unnecessary and I'm kicking myself at this very moment over it) and I ended up sleeping throughout the majority of yesterday. I did make some decent progress in my animation homework, but I'm currently working hard to ensure I have enough progress to get valuable critique in today's class session. I don't have much to say otherwise. I need to get better at anatomy I guess? I've been lacking in figure drawing, and its crucial at this point in my semester. What I'm thankful for: Spaghetti. I love spaghetti. Maybe too much for my own good. Goals for Day #52: Work on animation homework. Hey I'm doing that now, yay! Get quality sleep tonight. Don't think about everything at once. Please relax.
  11. Day #50/90 I got very carried away with my work today. I've been in high gear in terms of productivity but I also need to take breaks because I have still struggled with an inefficient workflow. It is so hard for me to detach myself from my work when I'm immersed. It's an issue I've brought up many times throughout the days. I should be in bed and should have had this entry submitted over 6 hours ago, but here I am working on it the following day. As compensation, here's what I've been up to all night: It still needs a lot of work before it can be comparable to my Egg Painting. I think my tiredness is preventing me from processing the basic geometric form of an acorn cap. While this assignment may be due today, I definitely need to revisit this project. I need to produce more portfolio pieces. What I'm thankful for: My mother. God bless her. Goals for Day #51: Work on animation homework. Work on portfolio oriented artwork. Take real breaks when you can...
  12. Thank you for sharing. Honesty with oneself can be quite scary, because that can easily become the catalyst for self-deprecation, or in the case you describe, a means to find happiness within oneself. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I think what we do with honesty can end up being highly volatile and I think is the reason I have found it so appealing to live in delusion for so long. I'm afraid of the truth, but I also understand that truth cannot be ignored either. Finding clarity and internalizing the truth of my own self has led me here so far, and I'd say its been a net positive. The way you phrased "ownership of your abilities" really spoke to me and it really had me thinking about myself. I think you expressed that superbly, and I think you're right on the money when it comes to discovering happiness through taking said ownership. Correlating those two resonates with me a lot and helps me re-contextualize my feelings about art in an interesting fashion, thank you for that.
  13. Thank you for the kind words. I can relate to the feeling you describe as well. How awkward the experience is to me is dependent on whether or not I anticipate they are being genuine or if they speak from arrogance, if that makes any sense. In this case, I knew my professor wanted the best for me, so I paid full attention to him because he was acting in good faith. There's a chance that I might even be missing something entirely regardless of how well I think I know things.
  14. Day #47-49/90 Hello everyone, its been a while. As I've mentioned before, I truly did fall out of the daily practice of journaling, and honestly I didn't realize how grounding a practice it is until it left my daily routine. I didn't realize how such a practice efficiently compartmentalized my feelings throughout each day, along with how it boosted the sense of structure I need to function on a day to day basis. With that being said, I will be spending a lot of time to summarize the days I neglected to journal about. Day #47/48 As you may have noticed in some of my sketches, I attended a huge event called Genesis X. Genesis is a series major video game tournaments, and I have attended it for the last 4 years or so to compete in Smash Brothers Ultimate. On the surface, this seems like the biggest mistake I could ever make, but I didn't come to this event to compete, I went to the event to speak with friends I haven't interacted with in a very long time. You'd think that being surrounded by such an overstimulating environment such as a mega internationally scaled series of video game events might spike my urges into relapse oblivion, but I am proud to say that this was not the case. Throughout my time at Genesis, I attended as a spectator, with 0 intentions to compete. I roomed with friends that were still fully immersed in the competitive Smash Ultimate scene I was once very in tune with. I went into the venue which was chock-full of video game setups ready to be used at a moment's notice. Hell, I had people approach me for games multiple times, and even after briefly explaining my detox, try and egg me on. I'm proud to say I effortlessly rejected all of these things and turned my experience at an otherwise relapse triggering event on the surface to a fruitful experience, that actually boosted my self-esteem and social skills. For one, I managed to do public sketching, and not just any public sketching, I drew people in public without a care in the world for what anyone else thought. I impressed myself in doing this because just last year I wouldn't even dare to do this at the same exact event. I think me pushing through all the anxiety and fear of judgment this year is a true testament to my commitment to my desired field of interest and art grind. Another thing to bring up is that I met someone I briefly talked to 5 years ago (I played Smash online with them and have no idea how I managed to remember who they were!) and as it turns out, they were an artist tabling for the event. Tabling at Genesis was something I've always wanted to do as an aspiring artist and I always though that was an unreachable goal for the longest time. Rekindling this connection of mine that I briefly made 5 years ago and having a heart-to-heart with him about art and my ambitions helped me develop a newfound confidence in becoming that artist that tables at a large scale convention center event such as Genesis. I never would've been able to perceive myself at a table at such a large scale event if it weren't for me finding this person again! All-in-all though, I managed to beat any urge to play games, and I stuck to my grind as an artist. I have internalized the true importance of my long-term goals and me going to Genesis and coming out unscathed (relapse wise) was the best thing for my confidence. It proved to me that I am far stronger than I had imagined and that I care a lot about getting good at my craft. Day #49 I woke up feeling highly lethargic today and I think that was mostly due to the fact I have been dealing with nasty neck inflammation, causing throbbing pain. It was likely an infection caused by a branch scratching the left side of my neck as I traversed local neighborhoods in my rollerblades late at night (not the smartest activity to do in hindsight). In any case, I was focused, and worked on my animation all day. Here I am now typing this. Not a very eventful day, but I also think it reinforces my mental fortitude considering I just got back from a highly stimulating experience such as Genesis. I had a rant today as well, which then turned into a self-reflection of my life in the last half decade or so. I will be sharing some takes on AI art within this rant, but the purpose of me bringing this into my entry isn't to have some long-winded debate, as it is something I have internalized for that very reason. This body of text is simply meant to provide more context to people who care enough to stumble upon my posts and know more about my own journey as an artist. With that being said, here's the rant in question: A rather controversial take I'll never share with many is if people believe artists are gatekeeping art through denouncing AI, it is that person who is gatekeeping themselves. There is no artist gene or lack thereof dictating how well you'll do. I would say I'm evidence of this. Before I was 19, I had no drawing skills. I didn't even care all that much about art. I believed I wasn't capable of becoming an artist. I didn't draw every day ever since I was 4 years old like many of the peers I study alongside today. I didn't even consider doing art as a hobby, let alone professionally. It was an entirely different world I wasn't interested in. During this time I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, and I usually leaned into whatever others felt was the best thing to do (STEM fields). I did dabble in the graphic design program at my local community college throughout high school, and that was probably my first proper introduction to a more serious take on visual arts. But even then, I didn't really take myself seriously at all. Impostor syndrome settled in as my slow, but growing desire to become an artist toward any capacity (even as casually as casual can get) prevented me from accepting the unconventional belief that I can grow artistically, as if it weren't a skill and rather some innate talent you were born with. In reality, I never had a complete lack of desire to create. It was merely suppressed by the art-negative environs I was subjected to growing up, whether it be my family, friends, or anybody else. I was indoctrinated into the belief that it was a complete waste of time. I didn't care until I came to my own conclusion that the arts were worth caring for; I listened to my own voice for the first time, and it shattered all the preconceived notions that art was a waste of time. It had me questioning everything I grew up knowing about the arts. I was exposed to my first art-positive environment ever in the form of a Discord server, and since then I have chosen the path of becoming a professional artist, regardless of how difficult and competitive this industry is; I rebelled against the very beliefs I grew up with. I have been on a grind for the last 4 years. Lots of that time was idle, empty time, but when I was efficient and learning, I truly did learn. All the pain and struggles I went through meant something, and every time I persisted it was an act of rebellion against the status quo. I am constantly challenging my own self-esteem and deeply ingrained beliefs, and fighting against the futility of becoming something I'm supposedly not meant to be because I wasn't born with "talent". I'd rather throw that vocabulary away and not become a self-fulfilling prophecy; somebody who isn't an artist because they believe that it's out of their control. The hard to swallow pill is that it is entirely in their control. It is a skill you hone for years. "Years" might be understating the trajectory of this skill. It's a skill you hone for the rest of your life. When you start is irrelevant. I've completely let go of my regrets: "I wish I started when I was 4", "I'm an adult now and I don't have the time my middle school self had", "My brain is not nearly as flexible as it once was and therefore it is meaningless to try." All bullshit. At the end of the day, what matters is that I love to draw. What people seem to forget is that the final product isn't the sole reason someone like me does art. It's the process involved. I love every step involved with making a piece. Unfinished work is still fulfilling work. Do I like AI? Not really. I won't hate you for using it, nor do I think everyone that does use it is ignorant to anything I've just stated. This is to those that have a deeply ingrained defeatist attitude towards becoming an artist of any caliber. You aren't an artist because of some pre-determined fate given from birth. You're not an artist because you choose not to be one. Stating otherwise would mean someone like me simply doesn't exist. This is the reality check I needed in order to move forward with my ambitions. I needed to believe I could become an artist and that I was holding myself back before I was able to actually proceed. And just to be clear, I still battle with a lot of the insecurities mentioned in that mini-rant to this day. Me not submitting for portfolio review the first time around last semester was a byproduct of severe performance anxiety and my lack of acknowledging my skills and growth as an artist. I still feel those deeply ingrained traditional beliefs of not being able to become the artist I want to simply because I wasn't built like my peers. The logical side of my brain knows that isn't the case, and that my hard work and mileage will undeniably bring me to greater heights whether I believe it or not. But yeah, sorry for the long read. A lot happened in my mind this weekend. I'm doing all I can to continue pushing forward. What I'm thankful for: Discovering this forum. I look at the entries I've created and it has served me well in continuing the path to success. It makes me feel accomplished, regardless of whether I write about my failures or successes. Goals for Day #50: Finish up slap animation and work towards finishing acorn painting. Work on portfolio oriented artwork. Share tentative portfolio with roommates (it's time to rip off the band-aid).
  15. Day #44-46/90 Hello everyone. I've really fallen out of the daily journal routine. It does feel bad, but I havent forgotten about this practice. To sum up the last few days, they've actually been pretty overwhelming, but not in an entirely negative sense. You could say I went through a lot of undocumented self-reflection. I even did things I've never had the confidence to do before, like sketch in one of the most public places possible; a convention center event. Honestly, this weekend is really busy, and I'm mentally preoccupied right now, but just know that I've read your replies to my previous post (to whom it applies to), and I have been in good shape despite my absence. I'll be sure to summarize my weekend experience in due time. As compensation, here's some work I did TODAY 😉 What I'm thankful for: The kindness people displayed today encouraging me to draw outside more. Goals for Day #47/90: Finalize photo reference and start painting acorn project Continue animation work
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