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I don't believe I have looked into that workbook. It's tough, I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm too exhausted to even process my issues any further than putting a label on my problems. "Putting a label" might seem like a reductionist way of describing my struggles but I have actually put thought into what my problems are and even some solutions, but I just can't bring myself to execute those things. I've been a mess for a while and it takes a lot for me to push for change. I appreciate your support in my time of turmoil.

Day #115 I've been having a lot of negative thoughts, and they've been haunting me during the final stretch of this semester. Lots of impostor syndrome and wondering if I'm ever going to become a professional artist. I'm actively watching myself fall into defeatist attitudes and visualizing myself not making it. Obviously, the #1 thing that matters is whether or not I'm happy, but I'm sad that I'm not able to maintain a level of discipline to take small steps to reach my goals. I quit video games so I could focus on my studies and my growth as an artist, but I've been stuck on step 1 forever now. I need to buckle down and figure out what my next step is and force myself through my mental paralysis. Yeah, I've been really unhappy lately. It's SUUUUUCKS. Didn't get a lot of work done today. I actually just remembered that I did sketch earlier. I finally did it after a long period of time, so I guess that's a small victory. Not even... as I'm typing this I'm realizing that it's actually a bigger achievement than I'm making it out to be, I'm glad I did some drawing today. My brain just REALLY hates me lately, that's all. What I'm thankful for: The faculty of my intense art program granting me a chance to have a future in the upper division art classes. Goals for Day #116: Work on comps for final digital painting More progress on animation final; shoot video reference

Day #113-114 The weekend has largely been unproductive. Ive been really hard on myself lately and have questioned the impact video games have had on my day to day life. It's true that they were ultimately a detriment to my ambitions but the reality is that I'm still struggling a lot to reach my own expectations. Obviously I knew going into this detox that simply quitting won't be enough to make changes, and that I actively need to be proactive in making a difference in my lifestyle, but I've been struggling a lot with taking initiative in my own life. I always have. Easy things are hard for me, and I'll never fully understand why. What I'm thankful for: Still having time to gain momentum for finals Goals for Day #115: Work on animation final (time the keys)

Day #112 Today I lazed around for the most part. I actually slept a ton. Maybe I needed it, considering how much I was struggling to sleep during the week. In any case, I didn't do any homework today, and I'm honestly okay with that. I watched some movies with my mom, and I got some boba with my sister. It was a simple day, and I'm sure tomorrow my productive drive will kick in. What I'm thankful for: My mom allowing me to stay at her place, despite being a grown ass man. I hope to make her proud in the long run. Goals for Day #113: Get some homework done Spend time with sister

Day #103-111 I've been going through some highly volatile emotional states and generally feeling a low point in my depression. Nothing of extreme urgency but it has certainly been the reason I've been so vacant from this forum, and not as present in recent weeks for my studies. This period of time ended up being the time I wanted to return to gaming most, and I have a feeling it's because I wanted to suppress the chaos within me, and I guess video games were my knee-jerk reaction to ignoring all the ruminating thoughts and emotions coursing through me. It was at my lowest point this week that I felt the strongest urge to game, and I can kinda start understanding how video games made my life derail in the way it did months ago. They were the easiest way to ignore the turmoil within. I really felt the cauldron within stir with negativity and experience those moments completely lucid and unclouded by the likes of gaming. One thing is certain. I don't see myself ever coming back to video games, especially considering how much they distracted me from the internal damage I've felt over the years. For the first time in a long while, I'm forced to confront my problems, with no room for distractions. What I'm thankful for: My consciousness. Goals for Day #112: Try and relax and not be so hard on yourself.

Its been a while. I've been somewhat overwhelmed, despite my circumstances being lighter. If I'm as perpetually burnt out as I've claimed, then I feel like it comes in waves, and I'm currently riding a low point. I'll likely be back on this journal by Thursday.

Day #101-102 I PASSED PORTFOLIO!!! I applied for this art program in 2019 and got declined. Applied a year later, got accepted, and transferred into this art program in 2020. I took a huge 2 year break after being broken down and crushed into pieces by the program. It's 2024 and I FINALLY made it through the first half of the art program. I cannot process my emotions. I was so scared of failure. I woke up to a server full of Spring applicants disappointed at their results, and there were a LOT. When I saw that, I was ready to rip off the band-aid and also accept my loss. But then it wasn't a loss AT ALL!!! I ACTUALLY MADE IT!!! YESSSSSSSS!!! It TRULY hasn't processed in my head yet. I'm so happy. What I'm thankful for: Working hard and having all that sacrifice pay off. Goals for Day #103: Relax and do homework at ease. The semester isn't over yet!

Day #97-100 Things have been easygoing and somewhat mundane, but I've been getting through the week with relative ease. My main concern is whether or not ill get my giraffe animation at an acceptable quality by Thursday, but its not the biggest concern. I'm confident enough in my skills to bring something neat to the table. Tomorrow I'm going to work my ass off and really get that animation off the ground. Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow (I guess today). I'm now 24! What I'm thankful for: Keeping my anxiety in check, even in spite of portfolio results being a huge cliffhanger right now. Goals for Day #101: Push really hard and get far in that giraffe animation tomorrow. Earn your weekend.

Day #96 As I mentioned yesterday, I did spend a good amount of time with my sister. We drove out of town to visit an arcade and also went shopping for a bit. We went out to eat, came back home and watched some videos together. It was a simple day. Only thing is I wish it didn't feel like time flew by so quickly. It was a good day though. What I'm thankful for: My spring break. I have a feeling this week will make a huge difference in my performance. Goals for Day #97: Settle back into my place near campus. Start working on my giraffe animation once again.

Day #91-95 I completely tuned out of everything once Spring Break hit, including this journal. I've been passively working on my own projects, without any harmful personal obligations. I've been trying to let my mind breathe before being sent back into the storm that is my semester. I still have not received a yes or no for my portfolio and I am hoping I get that answer sooner or later. The anticipation is starting to really get to me. Also, I have not thought of returning to games, even after my 90 days. Until I discover my identity as an artist and embrace that part of myself, I cannot allow such a huge distraction like games to get in the way of that journey. I'll never get there if games are in the way. It could take me years or decades to figure that out, but that will be my ultimate ambition. What I'm thankful for: Being 23 years old. I have a lifetime to figure out what I want. Goals for Day #96: Enjoy my last day at my mothers place. Spend quality time with my sister. Eat well, sleep well and enjoy the moment.

Day #90/90 I got through the 90 days!!! Awesome. I'm glad I was able to get through it, and I think if it weren't for my sacrifice of giving up something I absolutely loved (video games), I probably wouldn't have been able to give my best shot at submitting a portfolio for my art program. It was either my art aspirations or video games, and I chose the former. I don't see myself introducing video games back into my life anytime soon, if at all. I haven't had any urges to go back but I also think that I need to start cutting back on some other bad habits in my life. YouTube has been far less egregious an offender for disrupting my life than video games, but I think that cutting back on consuming social media will help me build better habits in the long run. In any case, I'd say these 90 days have been meaningful and impactful, and if I still had games in my life I would be struggling far more right now. What I'm thankful for: Having the strength to not relapse. I'm glad I made it through the 90 days. Goals for Day #91: Work on some personal artwork. Read. Spend time with a friend maybe?

Day #88-89/90 I spent the last few days trying to completely shut out anything related to school. I did work on a bit of my own animation work but nothing excessive. I spent a lot of time with my sister and we picked up some pokemon tcg starter decks to play for a bit after we came back from our outing. Not much else to say otherwise. I'm sleeping in, and taking ALL this time during spring break for myself. What I'm thankful for: Some room to breathe. Been overworking my mind far too much. Goals for Day #90: Don't undermine the journey and celebrate your 90 days!

Thank you so much!

Day #86-87/90 The last few days have been an absolute marathon to complete my portfolio. I am exhausted from the stress I went through. I feel anxious after the fact, but I am glad that I have finally submitted my portfolio after 7 months of lamenting the fact I skipped the first time around. Tomorrow is my first day of Spring Break, and I'm going to do 0 things school related. Good night. What I'm thankful for: Finally submitting portfolio. That shut my negative self-talk up. Goals for Day #88: Don't do any art. Take a break. Clean. ANYTHING BUT SCHOOL

Day #85/90 I feel like I'm losing some steam with how close the finish line is. My portfolio isn't due until Friday, but I am working towards submitting tomorrow. I do not want to submit at the last minute, and with the feedback I've received from my peers already, I feel confident in that decision. I did not procrastinate until the last minute. I do not feel the need to scramble for more time. I want to get rid of this burden by tomorrow night and finally get it off my mind after 7 months of thinking about it nonstop. What I'm thankful for: My creative spark not dying out. Goals for Day #86: Do more 1 minute figures, and add the finishing touches to all pieces included in the portfolio. Submit portfolio!!!