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About fawn_xoxo

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  1. fawn_xoxo

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    I think you'll feel better if you pick any one task and do it, my 2 cents. Don't linger with the bad feelings, because your feelings will only change if you engage in a different action, not if you sit still.
  2. fawn_xoxo

    Ninety Days Worth the Pain

    You can do it, it's always harder at the beginning but slowly, gradually, if you take actions you will get adapted to living life differently and it will fulfill you. All the best, have a good start!
  3. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    January 12th 2019: Day 71 , No gaming day 42- No sugar day 14. 2000ml waterI have been doing work and drawing today, those have been good - did that till the late afternoon then stopped to relax. I am focused on doing these changes in my diet and my exercise, and still observing how I behave and trying to work with that. Both yesterday and today I ate more than I needed to, to the point of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. I know that it's a combination of a logical fallacy of not throwing food away and gluttony, no lies about that. I also know that with sugar out of the equation, it's far easier to eat the right amount of calories, but my mental state and the way I approach food haven't changed. It's still an answer to boredom and such for now, even if my daily calorie intake doesn't get affected by it. But I know I am doing wrong to myself, my body, stuffing it with bigger amounts than it can digest and so I have decided to change my eating pattern and help boost my weight loss by eating a big lunch and then a small dinner so I don't have problems falling asleep at night like the past couple of nights from the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I am going to try and limit the hours that I spend preparing/eating/expecting food to just lunch-til-dinner time and thus not obsess over food the rest of the hours I am awake, what people call intermittent fasting, others might call it one-meal-per-day or similar. For me ever since I stopped sugar I just.. don't feel like eating as much as I used to.. Which is weird. I didn't expect that. I didn't think that this could be me. I thought I'd always crave and suffer in that state. I also don't feel the cravings for junk food and such foods as much I researched it and it seems the better you eat (more vegetables and fruits and such) the less you crave bad foods.. which is interesting. So now as I go my goals for my life are getting updated. I will try to mostly eat those good foods, vegetables, legumes, fruits and grains and avoid sugar and fat and all those foods that give me that high, try to be consistent with that so I made a list of all the foods I like that are in that category, all the legumes and vegetables and fruits and grains I enjoy eating so that I don't quit just because of inconvenience. As far as scheduling goes, I find that some days I need to just linger for an hour or so and 'waste time' until I feel ready to start being productive. It might only be an hour wasted before I start work and the like, but I feel like I need that, it puts me in a better mood. Other days I am fine with just waking up and working first thing in the morning. I am not the same every day, it goes in circles or such, and that's okay. I don't need to be the same every morning, I don't need to fit into any category. Still, I like to keep a close eye on how many hours I spend each day doing productive activities and learning, or I might slip away and I don't want that. I am this type of person that the more I let go of a schedule and routine, the harder it is for me to go back. And so I don't let it go for more than a day or two, I keep reminding myself of the tasks I need to do and go back and do them and get back in the flow. I don't ever wanna go back to gaming, it's a waste of my most precious resource, time. But by now it's rather obvious to you who's reading this that my journal has stopped being about games for quite some time. Some times I wonder if I should even write here since most of my stuff has to do with weight and hobbies and work but at the same time it is relevant to my journey after I closed the door to gaming, so I keep writing here. I read in someone else's journal that they can't enjoy anything, they don't feel like doing anything, and I know that for the longest time I felt like gaming was the only thing I was passionate about, everything else was dull. I tried and still try, despite not always feeling like it, to do all these other things and the feelings do change gradually. And that is such a fortunate thing, that we can adapt. Slowly I also am adapting and this forum thread is about my adaptation of life goals and progress once I quit gaming. At first I went for moderation, then I stopped it completely, and that was the right choice for sure. Not every day do I feel powerful and motivated and on top of the world, no. I have had a couple of duos of days that I felt low and desperate, and why do I feel this way etc. But it's alright, I trust in the process long term, and it got better both times. I have made plans with deadlines for when I will start gym, which times of the day, as well as for my eating, and a plan of how to get better at my hobby. I try to live in the present, as is my natural tendency, but with goals for my betterment. So that my future self will be satisfied with my past self's actions. So that I like myself more tomorrow, because of today's decisions. So that if I lay low and be lazy today, I will not beat myself up tomorrow, so that I respect my feelings without being bound by them.This is another entry that feels like it will be hard to read for anyone else than me but what can one do. 😆 Thank you guys for the suggestions and information, they've been helpful.
  4. fawn_xoxo

    JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

    What is stopping you?
  5. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    January 11th 2019: Day 70 , No gaming day 41- No sugar day 13.Trying to explain my mood fluctuations is hard, I can't be sure about it yet. But yesterday was good, and the day before yesterday was good as well after I wrote down my thoughts here. I think I'm just not satisfied if I have a lot of thoughts but don't tidy them up. So, journal helps with that greatly. I am considering the gym as a temporary solution to going out of the house more now that it's really cold here. My weight is stuck for the moment and it would give me a boost to do some cardio and burn some extra calories per day. Though truth is everything starts in the kitchen when it comes to weight, and I really haven't been feeling hungry after I cut the sugar out. However the mental connection is still here and tortures me every day lately, seeking an answer to boredom via food. I ordered a pizza yesterday and even though I was full with half of it I ate the rest too. This is problematic, cause I both had this bad physical feeling afterwards and I know that it probably rendered the day useless when it comes to a calorie deficit. There's a lot of boredom for me in staying indoors, I think. Maybe I should try to change rooms when I'm done with work, move to the living room? Then again my house isn't very big and there's not enough space for me to do that comfortably in the living room with the rest of the people.. We'll see. Last night between plans regarding my work and drawing I envisioned myself in a better fitness state and that made me smile. I would love to lose the fat I got around my torso and limbs, and look younger and more capable. Fitness is about beauty to me but it's also about being more able to walk longer, to run, to carry groceries etc. I would be more satisfied with myself, taking care of myself that way. As far as drawing goes, I am still unsure whether it's the right hobby for me, because of how it keeps me indoors. I do it on a graphics tablet and not on a notebook, though I tried doing it on a notebook with a pen and although I couldn't get everything I was drawing right, I didn't feel the frustration. I still draw every day, despite all these doubts, because it's also about the goal, about not giving up, it's about clinging onto the direction I chose when I tried replacing games with other things. I will see what place it will have in my priorities when I go out of the house more, that will tell me a lot. And it's not that I don't like drawing but it's lonely in a way, and my work from the home is lonely already, so it's in that sense that I'm not sure if it's the right hobby for me right now. But it's okay. This is life, not knowing is okay. I'm free of gaming and I don't intend to go back to it, it's been a lazy, easy solution to my boredom with catastrophic results to my self esteem and focus, so no thanks. With that said, I'm now trying not using my phone in bed at night and only using it if I'm not lying down in general. I would like lying down to be equal to sleep and so I'm trying this to see how it will affect it. I have been trying to stick to a schedule even if I don't feel like it but I'm not sure it's good for me 100%. I am keeping the obligatory part of doing things first thing in the morning when I get out of bed, but not necessarily the same thing every day. I can get so tired of that, of repetition in general. So right now I'm going for "getting up and doing things from my list of productive activities" until early afternoon basically. Then I pause and see what I feel like doing. That often leads to boredom, cause I've been sitting on a chair all these hours, which leads to thoughts about eating, and I hate that. Then some other times I've chosen to go back to doing productive activities after 6-8pm , and that leads to feeling burnt out. I don't know what to do about it now when it's winter. I hate the cold. Everything points to the direction of going outside more though.
  6. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    I went to bed at the right time and got waken up by my alarm. For some reason, the sleep doesn't feel enough and I don't feel like getting up from my bed yet. The frustration came back a couple days ago, starting from my lack of skill in drawing, but I'm not certain it's the actual problem. I wonder if I have cyclothymia, uncontrollable changes of mood that is, which are too mild to be considered bipolar disorder. Then I look at my past actions and see how once more this emotion comes to me three days after the last time I left my house. The weather is horrible and it's dangerous to go outside. So I stay in, but the past two days I've been feeling very down. I had a break in my bad mood from yesterday noon till night after talking with someone close to me. Half of yesterday was okay so. But today as I woke up and didn't want to get up, I started wondering why I'm not happy. Why I haven't been happy ever since I decided to be consumed by gaming, around seven years ago. I was enjoying life before, I was going out so often, I was having a great time. Maybe the answer really is in ditching my computer and getting a work station laptop to go work from coffee places and treating house like a relaxation location only. I lack interaction with new sensations, sight and smell and sounds, and my current observations say that this recluse thing has been a constant all through my bad habits and unhappiness period. I went on holiday with my partner last summer, every day was filled with walking and exploring and being together. I felt my best during those active times, I felt my most alive. Maybe this work from home thing is eating me alive. Comfort might be the reason but maybe I'm sacrificing mental health for it. In a couple of months I'll be able to start couch to 2k, weather allowing. We'll see how I feel about it then if I'm getting out to do that every day. No sugar day 11 and no gaming day 39, what I have to report is that since I cut out all the sugar in my diet, eating really is not very interesting any more, it's no longer a fun activity, no longer is it a good answer to boredom or frustration or sadness and so I'm dealing with it all on my own. It's hard, but it's better. I want no such crutches, I want no shackles and I surely don't want the associated health side effects that sugar has. I am 40% fat, even if I don't look it, and I decided to treat sugar intake like a forbidden substance as if I already had a disease. No more insulin spikes in my blood from it, the sweetest thing I eat now is oranges and they taste pretty sweet to me now to be honest. What if my moods are a result of the sugar detox? I don't exclude that possibility either. All the times in my life that I was doing well, I didn't care about food beyond eating to satisfy hunger. All the times I felt alive where times filled with activities and food was only a small break between them because I needed it, not to fill up any gap. I feel no urges to go back to gaming. I write this journal for myself, exploring my situation, trying to dig into it. Writing and exploring possibilities helps me, takes me out of the helpless state of mind and reminds me I have to react and fix it in some way.
  7. fawn_xoxo

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    How long have you known your girlfriend? It would be a shame to say and believe such words if there isn't real meaning to it, and meaning comes with time in love's case. Years. Being in love comes easy and fast, but it's dangerous to exchange potentially empty words. Be careful with your heart, and hers. Be cautious and realistic.
  8. fawn_xoxo

    My journey

    I struggled with self esteem, I think we all do until we do something about it. Self esteem is about us liking ourselves, forget about what other people believe as a measure of self worth. I needed to learn in order to understand how self esteem works, so I read the book in my signature and started slowly making changes in my actions based on what I learned. I highly recommend it, if you practice what it explains you'll feel so much satisfaction gradually. On the subject of the date I think it's great that your woman also initiated contact, there are so many women who usually expect the man to do all the work. These are all good signs. With that said, as a woman who would also have the confidence to do that in someone I'm interested in, I would still appreciate a man more if I knew his time was limited and yet he chose to spend it with me. I don't like mind games in a relationship, but I can't deny they play a part when you're starting out and you don't have a lot of info about the other person. Ideally for be it would be great if people could just openly talk about what they want from one another, but most prefer the game at first. So I don't know where the balance is, how much you should play difficult or not, but taking turns and paying attention to how much attention you receive vs you offer is a good indicator to assess the situation.
  9. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    The problem is you're doing a job you hate and that's poisoning you day after day like an abusing partner, it holds you back. When you have free time you try to find ways to cope with that, so you don't do anything creative, just killing time. There's not much to tell you we haven't discussed before. Good luck coping, or good luck finding another job. I don't see any other alternative given your personality and situation.
  10. fawn_xoxo

    2nd time here..

    Welcome to the forums Katsudo. You can write anything you want here and of course start a journal for keeping yourself accountable, expressing your thoughts and getting feedback from other people on the same journey. You have the power to make better choices in your life, nobody is stopping you, remember that. You can achieve your goals as long as you don't stop trying when mistakes happen. All the best.
  11. fawn_xoxo

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    There is nothing wrong with having a lot of goals, on the contrary it's a good thing, you have a lot of options to do things with your newfound free time. You will find that free time is the death of progress when it comes to replacing bad habits. You need to be proactive. What stresses you out about them? Life is, at best, two steps forward and one step back. Perfection is an illusion and mistakes are often part of the process. Set high but achievable goals for your days and be forgiving but not forgetful with yourself when things aren't perfect. Ask yourself if your today was better than your yesterday. See if you are any closer to your goals today than you were yesterday, that should be your compass imho. Embrace the hardship this change comes with, take responsibility for your actions and their consequences and you'll have it easier than if you didn't! All the best.
  12. fawn_xoxo

    Sometimes ambivalence, sometimes conviction.

    There is nothing stopping you or holding you back from doing it, Brian. You can do it and you will do it if you choose to remain consistent every day. Everyone who puts one foot in front of the other and takes action gets there, some people get there sooner, some people get there later. But if you understand that there is no failure in life and only feedback we can learn from, then you will see that anyone can achieve their goals as long as they put in the time and effort. There is no reason to be anxious, at all. Just like every artist who started by drawing stick figures and ended up being paid for realistic paintings years later, the only thing that stood between them and that end result was time - this applies to any goal. Arrange your every day life in the way that works for you, that makes you feel good about yourself, that makes you a happy and healthy person. There is no doubt that you will get to your end goal, so there is no reason for stress. Embrace the fact you need to be patient, good results need time. It's how things work, real things in the real world. If you aren't persuaded by my word alone, feel free to search about the habits of successful people. Feel good, because now you are in control of your circumstances. You already made that good choice by coming here. Keep making good choices and you'll arrive where you want to be faster and easier. "Do as I say and not as I do." The death of our dignity and self esteem, if we're being real. The first book in my signature opened my eyes to this and ever since I read it I've been trying to do exactly as I say and be an example of my ethics, live a life in accordance to my beliefs. I went from rock bottom self esteem to trusting and liking and accepting myself more. Especially because you're in this job, I highly recommend it.
  13. fawn_xoxo

    The dreamer

    You're doing great, continue taking action and looking into yourself. You're gonna progress really fast imho!
  14. fawn_xoxo

    Pelu's logbook: The journey to recovery

    Welcome back and it's good to see you not giving up. I want to underline a few things we have in common, and how I deal with them. You'll see that most of us start our quitting with content consumption, series or YouTube. That's really problematic and it was what kept me going back to gaming. You need to force yourself to take action by planning tasks for you to do every day in your free time. Don't expect much, your goal should be to do something, anything, that isn't self destructive. And watching and eating is self destructive. I used to do it as well and I stopped. No it isn't easy, it's just a habit though and like all habits they can be replaced with better ones. Gaming, eating, binging, they are often coping mechanisms and so what we need to do is find better coping mechanism. Find creative hobbies, find relaxation methods and stay with the process. Do things, try things. Don't stay inactive and passive, and be proactive, plan things ahead of time. Don't worry about your focus- the more you stay away from the content consumption and do things without distractions, the less you will want to get away from your task at hand. Everything gets better as long as you're consistent. Feel free to read my journal, maybe you'll find something useful there. You are in control of your life, don't forget that. You aren't your urges, or your feelings. You are what you decide to do and if you take good decisions for yourself today, you will feel positive about yourself tomorrow. Jim Rohn
  15. fawn_xoxo

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    What stops you from taking action, doing things?