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fawn_xoxo

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  1. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 113. Had a few tough days during the week, but the sun is up now. I am feeling positive, and it's not the first day of course, so I thought why not write down some positive things? If I hadn't given up on gaming I wouldn't have known so many things about myself. I would not be in reality, I would still be in a limbo, life passing me by. I hadn't addressed some personal issues all these years because I pushed them under the rug as I gamed. I didn't know that I was under stress, but I was, I was afraid of things and games helped me hide in my house away from phobias. This only made the phobias stronger, as the more you don't face your fears the more you're telling yourself they are a real threat. I'm not going into detail about these things, they're personal to me and vulnerable. I'm actively working on this, trying to see things objectively, trying to accept and love myself. For the most part I've forgiven? myself? I am not sure if I've forgiven myself, but there's no active guilt and regret in my mind any longer. Compared to other people my age, I'm behind professionally, I see the people in college who are younger than me and I know that when I was their age I couldn't focus on studying. But there are at least positives in being older than others in class, I'm not hesitant like I used to be, I care less about fitting in and I can pay attention to the material rather than chit chat with friends like I used to. I also am looking at college like a resource and I see the professors for what they are, people with years of experience that I can benefit from. I wasn't mature or grounded enough to see them like this when I was younger. I'm also now capable of telling whether something is in my interests or not, some classes do interest me, others not so much. I am finding a new social self. People appreciating my efforts really motivates me to work more, that's the reason I was doing so well in school before college. The professors were mostly approachable and appreciative of my efforts, whereas in college I got a metaphorical slap on the face by how little most professors cared about us students and how they disrespected us. I wasn't ready for that experience and it surely contributed to my repulsion and avoidance of college. Things have changed now, and I'm also more thick skinned myself, but I've found some good people in the professors. To go back to the social thing, I'm finding it gradually easier to talk to other students- I know these are things natural to people, talking and such, but for me it's like I need to relearn some of it. I walk a lot nowadays, I get out of the house a lot and I prefer it this way. Home is bound to awake bad eating habits in me, so being in college and working not at home has helped me greatly with the weight loss. I'm lighter than I've been in the last three to four years, and I'm continuing, I've completed 40% of my weight loss journey so far. Rediscovering the self and keeping my ears open to my inner voice is an interesting process. It's like trial and error, if it works I'm already one step further than yesterday and if it doesn't I'm just in the same point in my path. I'm trying new approaches, reconsidering everyday choices and just evaluating mostly everything that I don't feel certain is done in a me way. I don't want to rely on my loved ones for solutions, for decisions, etc, I want to stand on my own two feet and I want to stand by my beliefs. What are these? Not all are clear to me, not all my desires are known to me yet, but I'm doing my best to be open to myself and not constrain myself to a gamer identity any longer. Just cause I haven't gone exploring new locations all these years doesn't mean I'd not enjoy it in example. I'm in this process of discovery and recalibration, sometimes it's scary and some other times it's exciting. Suits my near-cyclothymic self fine. I'm also revisiting my strengths and flaws, trying to lessen my prejudices, my oversensitive nature and other weak points.
  2. fawn_xoxo

    Begin again

    I used to work from home for years, from the same computer I gamed. Taking my work outside of the house helped me tremendously with focus, focus impossible to achieve when comfortable.
  3. @Juliet So far, I like the era it's about, though sometimes the descriptions can become overwhelmingly long with details. The plot is about a couple's life and how the woman wishes for more an the time, I guess? I'm still at the beginning!
  4. fawn_xoxo

    mattso's late journal

    Well said. I wish I understood taking action is the only thing that can change feelings when I was sorta depressed, waiting for it to somehow reverse itself. Try to remember it and DO IT next time too!
  5. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    It really depends on the person. You might be able to progress within your existing environment or you might need a total break. I personally think that taking a break from everything only looks ideal in our heads. If you're alone you will have no mom to talk to, to be hugged by if you need a hug. It might be confusing yeah, but I'd take your therapist's word and do the program for ten days. Use the afternoon and evening to process what happens 8am-3pm. Intense mental workshop style, I guess. Don't go at it alone, you're not a friend to yourself yet, my 2 cents. Your mother isn't training you to treat her badly, she's just tolerating your anger issues cause she loves you. And as far as those ideas you have that people hate you are concerned, do some cognitive distortions worksheets to realign your thoughts with reality. You need to put in the work, nobody else can fix these thinking patterns but yourself.
  6. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    How will being away from everyone help? Even if you do do it, you need a plan, right? Trying to help you sort things out.
  7. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    No problem, you can also do @ and start writing a name, the site will give you a suggestion and you can select a user to tag directly. It really helped me, opened my eyes to issues and distorted beliefs for myself. It might be a start for more introspection for you too!
  8. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    Depends, do you struggle with it? It helped me, and still I'm nowhere near where I wanna be. But it's a great start and it's always useful to go back to it in times of need and rebalancing yourself.
  9. Someone else on the forums mentioned Madame Bovary so I picked it up and been reading it.
  10. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    I mean, the rest of your post was you giving us advice! 😅 Welcome to the forums.
  11. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    Trigger warning: Not for the sensitive. You're angry at other people the majority of the time, and you spend significant mental resources caring about other people's opinions, decisions and lives. You allow yourself to be affected by other people way too much. Wake up. Look at yourself. Take care of yourself. When someone who isn't you makes a mistake and you catch yourself judging them, then stop thinking about it and do something else. Why? You're putting your mood at other people's hands, it is your choice to do this and you've been doing this repeatedly. Did you ever get to reading the self esteem book? Nobody's coming to the rescue, BooksandTrees. You're the only one responsible for how deeply you're allowing everyone around you to affect you, get the Mind over mood book and work on your belief system. Your journal entries read misanthropic, because you project all the ways in which you're upset with yourself on other people. You're not ready to date. You need to find the path of self acceptance and self care first, or you're going to get into some sort of abusive relationship. If you tell yourself you're confident and such, you're lying to yourself, cause you're putting yourself last from what you write here. This should be your priority, getting yourself better. Close your eyes when it comes to anyone else. Work only on you, care only about you, this is your only duty right now. You don't need to give your time to your mom or your colleagues or anyone else, if you don't want to. You're responsible for repeatedly giving your time away. So if by reading this I've made you angry, go away and be angry for a while. But once you're chill again, ask yourself how your recent weeks' choices have helped you in any way. If not, then stop repeating mistakes. Bounce, don't break when an error takes you down. The resources have always been available to you, use them to make you better and forget everyone else. If you're focusing on anything else after all, you're just like every other person you see stuck in their ways and hate on. Makes sense huh? Live YOUR life. It's the only task you've been given.
  12. Planning to spend some time with a friend, catch up with my work load and pick up a book that I haven't had the time to touch since last weekend. Maybe watch a movie with family too.
  13. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 109. Gaming was a crutch, I'm pretty sure by now. It kept me from dealing with things, and I'm now facing these things, fears and situations I might have not been able to deal with when I was younger. I am rediscovering myself, diving into waters that sometimes feel deep. But it's for the best, I know. Some days I'm afraid, others I'm on top of the world. Every day makes me stronger though, cause I'm sticking with the fight and not fleeing any longer. This is bravery, being afraid yet moving on. Every one of us here is brave for doing this. My life is slowly changing, drastically, and it's scary. But there's no stopping this. I'm not going back to gaming.
  14. fawn_xoxo

    Every day is a new day

    This approach works much better indeed, the habits we need to establish day to day and not the big fat goal that will only come some months or years from now. Neither am I as active in writing here but I read still. It's good to see you check in though!
  15. fawn_xoxo

    Zeke Journel Round 2

    Maybe in three years or five you'll be ready, but no one has ever been ready after a few months, set aside three weeks. Play it safe, is my suggestion.
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