Resonant_Shell

Well obviously I've been away. I actually expect I might drop off entirely, to give up...? To briefly "catch up: January 2023: "Low energy" (depression?) didn't do much of anything--including work February 2023: More same, barely doing work Relapse near very end/beginning of next month for three days: that "building blocks" game (I presume you know the one I'm talking about) March 2023: Mid-month I was in a very dark place April / May 2023: Much more work--and drinking. --- June 3rd, 2023: I have been watching a lot of gaming YouTube; it's not helping. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how much I care: You see, let's take, in contrast, one of Cam's recent videos as an example: "Iman Gadzhi’s WARNING About Video Games" Timestamp 4:49: "We are literally living in Sims" In the context of the past three years, this isn't a good analogy; in Sims, you can "play God;" in the real world, small groups of people control basically everything. You can put in your best effort, just to have the world shutdown and your so-called "friends" to turn against you. In the middle of writing this, my Dad called; we talked almost an hour. I still feel like...life is a pointless rut. What's the point to improving my "real life character" if the overwhelming majority of people want me locked away? Self-pity? At least my family members have yet to prove me wrong. I'll stand for freedom and truth; I'm not just rolling over. For that I'm hated. I suppose it'd be a bit easier if I wasn't alone where I am. I miss when I thought it was possible for people to come together to create something greater. ... I'm already predicting I'll waste this evening; I've already wasted the whole day. I already wasted the three-day weekend, too. I'm trying to summon that anger...a force of change. I know this isn't right, but I am struggling against my logic. I want the pain of hopelessness to stop. I want to see the chance for a better life that won't be ripped out from under me. I grow tired of being hypervigilant. ... As I've told my Dad, the worst part isn't even what happened; it's that almost everyone is pretending that the past three years didn't happen. I bear the pain of remembering...

This seems like a good decision. At the very least, refraining from such activity at work can help prevent "going down the YouTube rabbit hole" if prone to that sort of thing.

Friday, December 16th, 2022: Slow day. I don't recall "really" being productive during work until closer to the end of the day. What I expected to a brief rant to myself ended up being a rehash of potential places to move, taking over two hours. Drank 1.4 (less?) alcoholic drinks. Went to bed before 11 AM. Saturday, December 17th, 2022: Fapped twice in the morning Did brief cardio session in apartment gym in afternoon, much less than earlier this week Bought replacement insoles to shoes in an attempt to help with calf soreness Drank more coffee later on than expected Drank more alcohol than expected...slightly over three drinks. Did eat food I had cooked earlier this week. Still obsessing over where to move, and how it seems unlikely that I will be able to socialize before doing so. Feeling quite agitated. To put it briefly, that last point is indicative of my struggle these past couple days: It seems that, beyond running the most basic of errands, I have persistent anxiety about attempting to meaningfully engage with other people. It is apparent I still hold anger about what I saw happen over the last few years, fueled by preferring predictability and physical safety. Albeit, I see the irony in the latter. Perhaps I will look into comparing my area's violent crime statistics with that which was cited to drive people against one another. Doing so could help me not to fall into the same trap! It's past 11 PM now. I am feeling sleep pressure (more than expected?) along with some neck pain. I will see how soon I actually go to bed. I ought to pack for my upcoming trip tomorrow; I was expecting to have begun that today...

I want to say I relate to the first part of this. As for the second part, I am having trouble putting my response into words: Maybe you love gaming. However, you chose to join GameQuitters and began the Respawn program. At least at one point, you longed for something more. Detoxing from gaming might allow you to discover or reconnect with a greater driving purpose. If you felt that you had to quit gaming due to social pressure, that's one thing. I can understand resistance to such a reason, and thus it might not last. I will end with this: Don't quit gaming for them; quit gaming for you.

I need to quickly provide some sort of update before I forget, even before responding to others. The days haven't been very notable...in a good way I think. Fortunately, that means I can be very brief: Tuesday, December 13th: Very surface-level clean of apartment in preparation for fire department sprinkler inspection Seeing my main area cleaner I think is having a positive effect on my mind :-) Made self cook chicken late (9 PM). Ended up staying up until 1 AM (downloaded videos, late snacking) Wednesday, December 14th: A lot of my workday consisted of short emails (improvement?) for a single customer Did twenty minutes on apartment treadmill. Ran for 14 minutes straight (longer than expected). Felt amazing Went to bed before midnight...I think Thursday, December 15th: Got out of bed mere minutes before work (usually not good for sanity). Did not fap in morning Finally got around to returning unused work laptop to campus Fapped after work...that resulted in losing an hour The irony is that this was more of a thought than a urge, so a bad habit rather than mere opportunity. Started laundry; cooked vegetables Feeling quite awake, even past 8 PM. I guess that coffee worked... Snacks, but making myself update here before I do something such as watching videos Some thoughts: Perhaps doing better because work is less stressful at the moment? Easier to leave work at work? Interestingly, I haven't even thought of drinking over that timespan. For today (Thursday), having Module #5 complete would help in knowing what to do. Nonetheless, there is still a loneliness that is not addressed. It doesn't hurt as much as was last week. Maybe I am just getting lulled back into complacency however... I know why I watch some of those videos, whether those with visible Twitch chat or social deduction games. There's a passive sense of being a part of something, kind of listening to a podcast, but...it somehow seems more interactive when in reality it isn't..."real." Clearly, I need to move on from the last few years and get back to taking care of my physical health. That alone isn't "the" solution, as the camaraderie of work is no longer present. I need a few things I can get into quickly. I'll need to prioritize (re)doing an actual budget for that (in modern society, it seems "buying" ones way into a community with classes, etc. is by far the quickest/most efficient way to do this). Then, maybe I can put effort into a more, uh, "exclusive" skill that I can partake in with others.

I have thought of having a therapist in passing. My parents sent me to multiple therapists while I was in higher education, so I am not unfamiliar with the process. I don't think I got much out of those sessions--given, I was compelled to attend--except for maybe the last guy. Now being in the workforce, I am not entirely sure how that works. I am aware that my employer has support services to quickly get into that sort of thing...but then this is the same employer that attempt to fire me over my legally protected rights. Furthermore, even if I was to go elsewhere in my area and determine I could afford it, I find myself hesitating at the thought due to similar reasons. I am not like most people around here.

Noticing your latest update, I see that you have been going to bed earlier and mediating for seven days in a row. Congratulations on going one week straight!

While I can't relate to having sleep problems / apnea, I have been able to relate to this description for multiple periods over the last few years. Specifically, I have experienced this as the result of self-induced, internet-fueled sleep deprivation. Regardless of whether or not you decide to go cold turkey from digital technology, you can proceed to uninstall those applications and deleting their corresponding accounts. Doing so might serve as a stepping stone to then moving beyond the distraction urge. If this uncertainty is stemming from centering your life around the gym, I would consider continuing your efforts. My dad has repeatedly reminded me that exercise will help when my sleep quality decreases. I have not consistently exercised in a while, but I do not recall being able to prove my dad wrong when I did. In fact, I recently forwarded him the following article, confirming that I should not be worrying about exercising after work instead of in the morning: https://thesleepdoctor.com/exercise/best-time-of-day-to-exercise-for-sleep/

To the usual entry... Geez, I last posted Friday? Well, catching up will (unfortunately), be real simple: Writing this out of order; it's becoming scatterbrained... I took so long the GameQuitters Forum logged me out Friday December 9th through Sunday December 12th, 2022: Despite drinking lots of coffee these days... Friday wasn't real memorable...I drank less than two drinks. Dad called me and we talked for an hour. Still haven't begun writing up "STAR" (situation, action, result) responses for job interview questions. Went to bed at 1:00 AM. I spent the entirety of Saturday watching downloaded YouTube videos. Kept avoiding bedtime until 1:00 AM...again. Sunday was basically identical Saturday. I masturbated multiple times. I did the dishes at around 6:00 PM during a glimmer of awareness. Went to bed before 11 PM. Monday, December 12th, 2022: In short: Video relapse. HARD video relapse... Woke up sometime around 5 AM. Laid in bed in an anxious state about how, during my own time on the weekends, I am running away from my own life. Despite feeling more tired, completed some tasks: unloaded dishwasher, grocery run, thawed out frozen chicken, and started laundry. Surprisingly, this productive state didn't feel fueled by anger, but I felt driven regardless. In contrast to this morning, I...couldn't let self-hatred rule. Interesting... Felt productive, although I am seeing that, like in the past, these are all physical tasks. If I had attempted a digital task and sensed any sort of roadblock, that might have been a different story. In fact, I wanted to put off updating my journal, let alone attempting to responding to others. Still drinking lots of coffee. I will say this: I think doing these things in the morning, before worked, helped, even as I was tired. I have struggled with doing digital tasks before work in the past, however. I (still) have been avoiding completing Respawn Module #5. I think there's a few things that could be unpacked here: - Will I justify continued avoidance due to my out-of-town trip coming up next week? Am I scared of my Dad being frustrated with my lacking job search efforts? - Why I continue to subconsciously put my physical health on the backburner, rather than a priority - Why I still have such an aversion to beginning "hobbies," especially emotive ones like music. Beyond "not productive." Sinful. Especially now. Okay, I don't own my own life, but this...isn't living. Work, the means to an end, have become the means. I am hardly surviving at this point. Aside: Will I continue to avoid evaluating my own finances due to the perceived difficulty of (re)starting a budget outside of spreadsheets? Maybe I will do some cardio tonight? ...or actually, you know, do Module #5? Brief fire sprinkler inspections are occurring tomorrow and the day after. I'll see if I can get my unit looking a little nicer, but the personnel might have to deal with imperfection. Other journal topics? I mean, it's getting later...I struggled before. Practice imperfection. The very thought is painful. I'm scared of tomorrow...but why? The fear doesn't seem specific to a certain something, just generalized. I am afraid that I won't handle it, at least, not correctly. I can't say that's easy to refute; I don't exactly have a strong track record, and this last weekend isn't helping. "Ooh wow, well I made sure not to get unjustly fired from my job" falls flat in the face of the rest of life.

Reading your reply, I'll respond off of this part: I didn't exploit my life's previous stability, failing to invest my time. The past few years have demonstrated that a single unexpected turn can wreck havoc. I am afraid I will continue to handle things all the same. One example might be my apartment rent going up resulting the reversal of much of my gains from my job. That would be ironic... Edit: That's despite the verse you cited. That's true. The thought of dismissing and/or overcoming such fears without "living for Him"..."correctly" also prompts me to worry.

Well, I am sipping (grocery store) coffee again, so I might as well make this a thing / make time for this: Wednesday, December 8th, 2022: I guess yesterday wasn't notable until the dinner with colleagues. To my surprise (but really, as I likely should have expected), no one brought up my anger/paranoia and originally not wanting to attend. In contrast, it was discomforting when I was asked to share what was going in my life. Outside of work, I have nothing. Internet, fap, that's it. I don't exercise, I hardly cook... I did mention that (more often than not), I am sleep deprived on the weekends (web search term: "revenge bedtime procrastination" is relevant at times.) As I described, I am essentially a bundle of poor coping mechanisms. It was ironic, commenting on a underperforming employee at another colleague's company, when I also get flustered by my day-to-day work. I ruminated heavily afterwards, feeling anxious. Briefly attempted to meditate, felt only slightly better. Despite initially abstaining, I did end up both fapping and staying up until midnight. --- It is alarming how different of a person I am in my head, and how I imagine how things versus how they actually went. I am still angry. I am a loser. I am still leaving in fear of what happened in 2021, how everyone would be willing to turn on me, fear of my customers, fear of my manager, fear of losing my job. Waste of a year...waste of a life? I am supposed to "have it together" by now at my age. Why do I fear losing my job, if they already tried to fire me? The financial need? My apartment rent? The fact I would be too slow to get out? Potential legal consequences? All things for which I have no experience. Something within gave up a long while ago... The silver lining (I guess) is that I did not overshare. ... I have been adding little bits to this, but I guess I'm done. I can edit later if needed. Still...ugh, stop! I am committing to not attending the team lunch that occurs in about an hour. As said above, the anger is still there.

Alright, I am sipping a morning coffee (bought from grocery store, not take out YAY!) That means I...can make the time to update my own journal topic--more on that below... Man, this is getting tiring/involved whatever. Setting timer for motivation. Remainder of Sunday, December 4th, 2022: Continued using up that bottle of wine. Started with two standard five ounce glasses, then thought I could use up "the little bit left" Yeah...that "little bit" was another entire five ounces, so I had three drinks that night As the alcohol's effects was lasting longer than expected, I walked to the nearby pizza place, bought some cheesy bread/breadstick things and eventually ate it all. Monday, December 5th, 2022: Telling my colleagues I would (also) not be attending dinner with them Wednesday did not go as expected. They...actually cared as to why. I ended up discussing in depth with the colleague that I trust in such matters. He really does "get it," the difference being that he moved on from the events of the past few years. My mind has not. Despite not accomplishing much critical customer work, I left work on time. I used up the other hard (alcoholic) lemonade single I had. Unlike last time, I felt more tired rather than the "f**k my limiting beliefs, I can do anything" effect I half-expected. Tuesday, December 7th, 2022: Actually ate food I cooked, albeit, the last of my seasoned chicken D: Will I actually get around to cooking more before my next meal? Quit work almost on time after prodding from that same colleague I could use an indicator to not start more involved types of work starting at 4 PM or something If I keep saying "I'll just work late today; I won't tomorrow," but then "something" happens, well...then I wonder how nothing has changed for years Wasted time fapping instead of doing anything with my life outside of work. Ironic, even when I have the time, I sabotage it out of habit? Is my subconscious really holding me back to that strong of an extent? Did not go for alcohol, which is good. Outside of the idea of making cocktails, the potential to accomplishing tasks is way higher when sober, even if the will or hope are not present. Despite no sleep pressure (4+ PM coffee), I was planning to attempt a sub-10 PM bedtime...until I heard bass heavy music from the apartment unit below my room. It wasn't technically quiet hours, and usually I am that loud one, so I rebooted my computer and replied to other's journal topics on this forum. However, the music stopped sometime after 10. I definitely stayed up beyond that. I am glad to participate in this community, but I still need to actually implement putting my health first. I have dinner with those colleagues tonight, so today is relatively scheduled. I'll need to get lunch before another work obligation...

It is possible that this belief could be true. However, challenging it would likely prove to be extremely valuable, especially considering how specific it is. Have your mind and body been engaged in every single other possible activity? Module#4 in Cam's Respawn program and/or the GameQuitters Hobby Tool might help you explore such activities. Doing so can provide you with data for determining where gaming ranks in terms of consistent fun and satisfaction. Reading the rest of your post, I agree with Paul: At the very least, you have proven that you are able to prioritize your studies over gaming, even when still doing the latter. Anger and frustration might not hold as long-term motivators, but it seems you might already have a "why," wanting to respond to life with a drive towards a purpose, rather than escape. Beginning this detox can serve as your first step in aligning with such purpose!

This is one of the primary reasons I decided against renewing my smartphone service early this year. It was hardly used for calls, but that realization led to questioning why I had one in the first place. Given, I still have a landline, and getting a flip phone for the car seems like a good idea. If, in keeping your phone off, you find yourself asking a similar question, consider assessing the overall value it brings to your life. If you find the cost of your attention outweighs your phone's benefits, perhaps it has outlived its useful purpose.

Perhaps I sort of relate, but in resisting the idea of committing to a schedule outside of work. Recently attempting to start module #5, it is possible to overthink the calendar format itself, and it can be easy to avoid engaging with life after obligations if that is already a habit. Whoah, I guess we have a player in these forums I kid, but props to you for initiating a social interaction regardless! An airline flight could be a somewhat limiting environment for creation activities compared to consuming ones. Your destination might serve better for gauging how you are coping with your initial detox. Nonetheless, I hope you have fun with your organization process!