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Resonant_Shell

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  1. Alright, I am sipping a morning coffee (bought from grocery store, not take out YAY!) That means I...can make the time to update my own journal topic--more on that below... Man, this is getting tiring/involved whatever. Setting timer for motivation. Remainder of Sunday, December 4th, 2022: Continued using up that bottle of wine. Started with two standard five ounce glasses, then thought I could use up "the little bit left" Yeah...that "little bit" was another entire five ounces, so I had three drinks that night As the alcohol's effects was lasting longer than expected, I walked to the nearby pizza place, bought some cheesy bread/breadstick things and eventually ate it all. Monday, December 5th, 2022: Telling my colleagues I would (also) not be attending dinner with them Wednesday did not go as expected. They...actually cared as to why. I ended up discussing in depth with the colleague that I trust in such matters. He really does "get it," the difference being that he moved on from the events of the past few years. My mind has not. Despite not accomplishing much critical customer work, I left work on time. I used up the other hard (alcoholic) lemonade single I had. Unlike last time, I felt more tired rather than the "f**k my limiting beliefs, I can do anything" effect I half-expected. Tuesday, December 7th, 2022: Actually ate food I cooked, albeit, the last of my seasoned chicken D: Will I actually get around to cooking more before my next meal? Quit work almost on time after prodding from that same colleague I could use an indicator to not start more involved types of work starting at 4 PM or something If I keep saying "I'll just work late today; I won't tomorrow," but then "something" happens, well...then I wonder how nothing has changed for years Wasted time fapping instead of doing anything with my life outside of work. Ironic, even when I have the time, I sabotage it out of habit? Is my subconscious really holding me back to that strong of an extent? Did not go for alcohol, which is good. Outside of the idea of making cocktails, the potential to accomplishing tasks is way higher when sober, even if the will or hope are not present. Despite no sleep pressure (4+ PM coffee), I was planning to attempt a sub-10 PM bedtime...until I heard bass heavy music from the apartment unit below my room. It wasn't technically quiet hours, and usually I am that loud one, so I rebooted my computer and replied to other's journal topics on this forum. However, the music stopped sometime after 10. I definitely stayed up beyond that. I am glad to participate in this community, but I still need to actually implement putting my health first. I have dinner with those colleagues tonight, so today is relatively scheduled. I'll need to get lunch before another work obligation...
  2. It is possible that this belief could be true. However, challenging it would likely prove to be extremely valuable, especially considering how specific it is. Have your mind and body been engaged in every single other possible activity? Module#4 in Cam's Respawn program and/or the GameQuitters Hobby Tool might help you explore such activities. Doing so can provide you with data for determining where gaming ranks in terms of consistent fun and satisfaction. Reading the rest of your post, I agree with Paul: At the very least, you have proven that you are able to prioritize your studies over gaming, even when still doing the latter. Anger and frustration might not hold as long-term motivators, but it seems you might already have a "why," wanting to respond to life with a drive towards a purpose, rather than escape. Beginning this detox can serve as your first step in aligning with such purpose!
  3. This is one of the primary reasons I decided against renewing my smartphone service early this year. It was hardly used for calls, but that realization led to questioning why I had one in the first place. Given, I still have a landline, and getting a flip phone for the car seems like a good idea. If, in keeping your phone off, you find yourself asking a similar question, consider assessing the overall value it brings to your life. If you find the cost of your attention outweighs your phone's benefits, perhaps it has outlived its useful purpose.
  4. Perhaps I sort of relate, but in resisting the idea of committing to a schedule outside of work. Recently attempting to start module #5, it is possible to overthink the calendar format itself, and it can be easy to avoid engaging with life after obligations if that is already a habit. Whoah, I guess we have a player in these forums I kid, but props to you for initiating a social interaction regardless! An airline flight could be a somewhat limiting environment for creation activities compared to consuming ones. Your destination might serve better for gauging how you are coping with your initial detox. Nonetheless, I hope you have fun with your organization process!
  5. It is good to see that you have resumed tracking and reflecting upon your activities! Furthermore, your visual journal template is impressive! I will say that attempting some consistency with journaling has value; if your structure is time consuming, consider allowing yourself to write entries with less detail. The thought of programmatically generating images is a neat concept! I might suggest using black or dark-colored text for the gold/yellow portions for maximum readability (I am able to read the text. but other people's screens could make it harder to see).
  6. At the very least I have a fair amount to summarize. If am avoiding this out of length, I am missing the point. I am okay with giving more time for this one, for reasons that I believe will be apparent. I ought to let it flow (including when thinking about that very sentence). Briefer summary attempt, here we go: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022: Video relapse. With Stayfocused's Nuke option set to deactivate for my work browser the previous day, I found myself scrolling through YouTube shorts quite late into the night. I wouldn't be surprised if this was as part of dinner and/or wanting to avoid thinking about my big work project. Wednesday, November 30th, 2022: Experienced lower back stiffness pain to the point I couldn't walk normally; I was reduced to a painful shuffle. Soothing balm and ice packs were not sufficient! This was frightening at first. Eventually, I remember that I had dealt with this before. My body was forcing me to take notice. I proceeded to do many sets of lower back exercises. They weren't necessarily easy at first, but desiring to walk normally again was a strong motivator. I noticed immediate improvement upon completing the first set. I recall not being very productive at work until about 3:00 PM. I finally began doing significant work on my big project. Ironically, rather than leaving work on time, or even stopping at 9:00 PM after an hour break for a late dinner, I worked until midnight to finish it. Also, I am not sure if it was this day or another, but I wanted to document the following: When struggling with dark thoughts, getting obsessed with something seems to effectively direct my mind away from them. For example, thinking about the nuances of different alcoholic cocktails--even without taking action--was sufficient. Thursday, December 1st, 2022: Despite motivation from checking my November 28th journal entry, I ended up searching and downloading meme videos (circumventing StayFocused's reactivated "Nuclear Option" on my work browser). Unusually, I forgot to pay my bills until 30 minutes after midnight. Thankfully, they were due on the 5th! Friday, December 2nd, 2022: Worked 40 minutes late on a production track. Bought a couple of alcoholic singles cans, continuing meme videos with a "Friday" justification Note: I felt inspired, not held to limiting beliefs during such consumption. Obviously a crutch, but perhaps worth noting. Saturday, December 3rd, 2022: Fapped repeatedly during the first three hours of an early morning. Somehow spent two hours for lunch (videos). Had a two-hour long conversation with Dad. I was more forceful in opinions than usual. He is looking for a decision from me with regards to moving back home. While my resume is updated and finished, I have not prepared for answering interview questions yet. With my forcefulness, my dad suggested I decline to attend my team's holiday lunch. I am clearly still angry at my manager...at all of them. I took my dad's suggestion to "enjoy" some wine and do such preparation. However, the wine ended up making me feel tired...at first. Combined with noise from the unit below, I did not end up falling asleep until 2 AM. That brings me to today... Sunday, December 4th, 2022: Did not fap this morning. Woke up sometime after 10 AM. I have had two iced coffees so far. I felt slow after eating grocery store hot-bar leftovers. I have not prioritized a healthy diet all week. Time spent still stuck...different video downloads...eating...thinking...how this should be different. What can I/should I be doing. As I write this, it is 3:18 PM. This is the first productive thing I have accomplished so far. The weekend is almost already over, and I hardly have anything to show for it. I am concerned with going into another work week. Another opportunity to change, but I haven't been doing so for years now. I keep prioritizing work over my own health, as is obviously apparent, and that has continued even after they showed that they don't value me enough to care. Why do I continue to fear/care what they think?? ...and that's 25 minutes; I am impressed that I managed to catch up in a relatively shorter period of time. I expect to save this now, maybe edit a previous post, and see if I might reply to other's journal topics.
  7. I believe I can relate--ironically, I find such thoughts can even be triggered when I start trying to get things done! Your comparison to behaving like a robot hits especially hard: despite understanding that I am a human with emotions, I still struggle with a strong belief that I shouldn't have any (except maybe anger). Reading the remainder of your post, it was refreshing to see an example of gently approaching those self-critical thoughts, yet still addressing them, rather than turning to anger or avoidance. That is an interesting theory. For our sake's, I hope we've reached that point with gaming, along with many other things.
  8. Anti-overthink timer away! Oh dear...of course the second coffee decides that now is the time to partially wear off!?? More on that later on... November 25th, 2022 Already documented in previous post, cool. Although, I never got back to this forum afterwards, so that was a bust. November 26th, 2022: I was not productive until 3 PM. I accomplished a few things, the most notable and important of which was finishing updating my resume. While it did take an hour, the most important thing was making myself do it, I suppose, before I "felt" like it, I think. Also, I believe it helped that I had a general idea as to how the finished product should look. That detail seems like something to remember when I am procrastinating on tasks. That wasn't something I had going into the next day. November 27th, 2022: This day was bad. I fapped three times, and spent until 6 PM deciding on a mere four shirts to order as part of black Friday / cyber Monday. The indecision was ridiculous. The fact my "goal" changed so much, combined with additional new possibilities made this stressful. It is not surprising why I don't like ordering online and delay purchases: too many possible decisions to "perfect," in this also being combined with "price scarcity." I suspect there's a more explicit lesson to extract from this, but I'll move on... November 28th, 2022: Woke up less than 15 minutes before having to work. Ironically, not really productive until about noon. With the StayFocused "nuke" ending at work today, I browsed memes but didn't find it nearly as satisfying as before. I also browsed significantly less. Fapped sometime in the middle of the day, when taking a sort of a shifted lunch. Skipping the workout I have been trying to start on Mondays was a mistake. I justified it due to my lack of productivity and backing up a teammate who was out of the office. On that point, I ended up working over one and a half hours over my end of day. The irony is the customer ticket expired anyways. In retrospect, I should have informed the customer that I left notes for my backup and that person would get back to them, rather than providing explicit next steps. (I just realized my timer was paused. I...think I haven't been taking too long. How long has this music track been looping? ) Getting out of work around 7 PM, with the darkness outside, two coffees in, usually feels way worse. I guess with it being Monday its not so bad. I predict I would have experienced that, uh "scary loneliness" feeling again if it was a Wednesday or a Thursday. So far, I have resisted the urge to order a fruity late-night shake (using this Cinnamon Apple tea) and using a remote work session to watch YouTube. The latter I resisted citing the lack of satisfaction from those memes, but also...what would be the point of a "video relapse"? Staying away from seems to have helped, but I could see getting sucked in as part of "entertainment while eating" if I am not careful. Despite not wanting more computer tasks to be my next thing, I figured I would use the momentum from the coffee + the break from brewing tea to ensure I update this journal. (I forgot to start the timer again. Checking the time though, those last few paragraphs took five minutes; that's not too bad.) --- Of course, it's almost 9 PM now. I'm hesitant about starting something like Module #5 right now. These are the days that concern me. They keep happening, where it's just work. Oftentimes not even work I was expecting to do.
  9. Granting even less time for this. Today's context might make it clear why... November 24th, 2022 Evening: What I remember: Taking my dad's previous challenge to go out for thanksgiving, I headed out to a nearby sports bar sometime around 8 PM (context: I am not even into sports): Being in public, I was okay with drinking here, being more limited in amount and in cost--this is in contrast to having my own alcohol at my apartment and drinking alone (Reducing detail; running out of time already...) Later on, something didn't agree with me...the milk stout?? I usually like those, though... Back at my apartment, I brewed some ginger tea, but I ended staying up until 4:00 AM for the second night in a row, watching not one, but two animated movies. That is despite being home relatively early (10 PM ish). I wished I had gone to bed at 11, even midnight! November 25th, 2022: Not much to record here. Extremely unproductive day. At least I washed the dishes. Looked into habit tracking again. I think I need structure now; "filling the void" requires you to actually make a habit of not having time wasting activities be your go-to. I attempted to go to bed earlier; I struggled to fall asleep (but I believe I succeeded before midnight). Out of time; guess I'm catching up on today later... On to a productive task? I'll also see about responding to other topics afterwards?
  10. Despite relapsing, it appears that you did not stay in that state for weeks or months! In contrast, you have proven that you are able to stay away from gaming for multiple consecutive months. Furthermore, not only have you stayed away from games, but you have spent time developing yourself socially in addition to attending to your responsibilities. You appear to have identified a need for structure and for relaxing activities outside of gaming. If you are able to address those needs (perhaps through Module #5 and #4 in Cam's Respawn program, respectively), it is possible that this could be your last relapse! I wish you well as you recommit to progressing towards your goals.
  11. I have failed to prioritize my journal lately. I managed entries for one day previously, but I am still behind. I need to not let that deter me. Again, this does not need to perfect, or necessarily consistently formatted (for now, anyway) I have set a timer to preventing spending too much time journaling, especially today. Let's see what/how much I can remember. November 22nd, 2022: My workday began with addressing a customer's production-impacting issue, so this workday went by quickly. Ending up reading about alcohol yet again. Thankfully, the more I read, the more I remind myself that I do not want to make drinking alone habitual. November 23rd, 2022: Another workday that went by quickly: By this point in the week, I can tell my brain is getting tired of the days looking the same, along with the same type of mental effort. Rather than turning to alcohol to numb that feeling, I went for herbal tea. However, it was more for taste, as it wasn't the kind for calming the mind. In place of considering exercising after working, I ended up taking an hour-long call with my dad on various topics, one of which was going out for Thanksgiving. Note: I did want to emphasize that, after this call, my head felt better. I suspect the social aspect and speaking in a relatively free manner was enough variety from troubleshooting software at work. Ended up not only eating late takeout but staying up until 3:00 AM on Twitter, of all places (on my Windows operating system, where it wasn't blocked). I still get caught up saving witty comics; my mistake was looking up an artist. The irony is I deleted most of them, and it's not like they are telling me things I do not know. Today so far (November 24th, 2022): Woke up near 11:00 AM today, fapped once. Spent time reading news related to last night's topics. Blocked that site on the Linux side now. I finished my second frozen coffee several minutes ago: Definitely amped in relation to said topics, the state of the world, etc. Now if I could channel that energy Beyond a bad sleep schedule, I have been struggling to fall asleep the past few days, even when going to bed earlier. That is unusual, as I was doing better earlier this month, etc. Currently, I am struggling with a lack of structure, sure, I am not working (for now), but I am avoiding...committing to....anything? I need to do something, truly finish Module #4, populate the whiteboard I purchased, proceed to Module #5, and actually start doing it. At about 3 PM today, I finally made myself write a basic agenda, starting with GameQuitters forums-related tasks. I wanted to catch up! Some time to spare left on my timer. Rather than overthinking, I am going to stop while I am ahead. Let's see what I can make of this Thanksgiving weekend...
  12. I think I view journaling here in a similar way to how you view it. Outside of work, I am not necessarily productive. Simply reflecting on the day sometimes results in longer journal entries. I would encourage you to not let worry stop you from journaling about your inner life. According to Cam, one purpose of your journal topic is to process your thoughts and emotions (source). The only true requirements are the Forum Rules. By the way, I like your new photo. You said your techniques for photography were "awful." However, I think your latest photo captured more interesting details.
  13. Combining what I have seen and what I do myself, my understanding/expectation regarding daily journals on this forum are as follows: For a given GameQuitters forum member, that person creates a topic for his/her daily journal. Each day (or as often as desired), that same person will post a reply with updates. I have seen instances where members have created a new journal after a long absence, but often members do what I described above even in this case. I hope this helps!
  14. If I keep delaying this in an attempt to fully update today as well, I could very well end up not getting to this again. Let me start this now, then... November 21st, 2022: Iced coffee and the last tea I had brewed, probably under a justification of "recovering" from sleep deprivation Check-in with manager was relatively tame (albeit, that moment when you subtly joke about how poorly you spent your weekend) Experimented by doing a 20 minute cardio session in my apartment gym shortly after that meeting. Ran for 10 minutes straight! Felt great! Overall with showering, took a bit longer than expected. Some difficulty getting myself to start larger work amounts. Finally got to what ended up a more prolonged technical analysis near the end of the day. Had a half-hour conversation with my dad about 30 minutes after work. Among other topics discussed... Maybe call my brother as part of Thanksgiving? (Assuming I don't end up working :/) Encouraged me to "keeping hanging on," try to do a little bit of the "hard shit" on my list each day, to "chip away" at it. In my case, it seems that updating my resume applies. More on that to follow... In attempting to update my resume, ended up reading over my, uh, "presentations" from the technical training at the beginning of job. My witty subtitle game was I guess I ran out of steam/attention/focus, because I ended up... Drinking up the last of my rum Fapping twice Getting obsessed about acquiring liquors, etc. for mixing cocktails again, but then looking into the other side whether drinking is "masculine" or good at all For some reason, I am avoiding finishing updating my resume...perhaps because the "relevant coursework" items might not be "perfect"!?? This can't be that difficult... Also, if that obsession is going to happen everytime I drink, probably best I don't keep any alcohol on hand. Going to break that reasoning out into an explicit section so that I might reference it in the future: Pros/cons to drinking: Pro: Circumvents overthinking (which does feel kind of nice tbh) Enhances humor (jokes land harder, goes great with cartoons) Social lubricant (as if I ever use it that way, but yes) Sometimes grants a significant confidence boost (also feels really good when it happens) Sometimes facilitates circumvention of limiting beliefs Mixing drinks is a skill which can seem classy (??) Con: Technically a poison to the body (potential longer term effects on brain beyond liver) Lowers higher-level thinking (valued asset) Lowers seriousness (from enhancing humor) Lowers reflexes (self-defense applies) Lowers inhibitions (inadvertently "trusting" others) Lowers productivity Lowers ability of "beautiful" music to move one on a deeper level (harder to explain, could be a pro depending on perspective) Can become a crutch, coping mechanism, or even an addiction (most dangerous downside tbh) (Relatively) empty calories, does not benefit an attempt at weight loss Pauses metabolism Certain types of alcohol can significantly reduce initial wakefulness--wine in particular After effects can keep one awake as body attempts to return to homeostasis Prevents Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep Well, I am glad I took the twelve minutes to do that. Seeing it visually makes it more obvious. While my list generation might have been biased, it would appear the cons outweigh the pros. I think the struggle here is the idea of "occasional" drinking. Does doing so make sense at all? Is doing so...morally viable? Make sense as part of my life specifically? If so, on what such occasions? With gaming, its obvious: I have experience. I have not been able to moderate my gaming, so it needs to be cut out entirely (also, I don't want to go back...its not real). Same with YouTube. ...and fapping, the time cost alone outweighs the few (if any) benefits. It's not even satisfying; it's just a crutch/unhealthy coping mechanism. Why does drinking liquor have...an allure? Beer...doesn't seem to have that sort of appeal, perhaps not even wine. Maybe its cultural, or its just me imagining it as a form of avoidance! Just catching up on yesterday, I spent 45 minutes on this. That's, wow...that's a lot. I blame listening to the Free Bird solo on repeat (it is looooooong). I am getting hungry. I'll stop here for now, and I'll see if I eat the food I have cooked
  15. Well, I would say it's already that time, but that seems disingenuous considering how today went. At some point I thought this might be a quick one; I have a few points of note for this weekend., despite how it went: November 19th, 2022: Of all the things I could have done, I decided to create an actual avatar for my profile on this forum. I was avoiding finishing updating my resume Regardless, I am quite pleased with how it turned out. It is quite close to what I imagined. Originally I was thinking of a lighter, simpler look, but that was prior to the end of 2021. Had a two hour long conversation with my Dad: Beyond looking for new jobs now I have to prepare to move back in with him, before I need to sign a new lease in February? What? I am supposed to consider getting rid of all this furniture. Movement-induced financial "mistakes" sounds appealing (sarcasm), because my iced coffee vice isn't bad enough? He also said something along the lines of "having your life mainly centered around your job is alright." WHAT!?? If the life for the majority is to be totally drained from work, then I want out. ... Continuing with yesterday's poor decisions, I had take out for dinner and stayed up until "only" 1 AM, extended to that hour from watching a rather stale game walkthrough. November 20th, 2022: Got up late, fapped this morning. Found myself frustrated with my dad's statement from yesterday. Spent hours finally coming around to the possibility of a life with at least a little satisfaction. A new job, a house, and community through physical activity would be a start. Perhaps then I will overcome my limiting beliefs with regards to men participating in fine arts. Further avoided updating my resume by creating a profile banner for this forum. I might replace the text with something more motivating, but still in the same "post 2021" spirit. Replied to a couple of other people's journals. I overthought one of my responses quite a bit, but I do not regret the overall effort. If I could do so faster... Ate hot wing bar takeout. Felt tired after, as that was the only real food I've had all day. Summoned enough energy to wash dishes to clear the sink. Attempted to pray. Struggled with asking for help. The idea of said help being in the form of facing the very things with which I am struggling would seem prone to leading to more failure. Finally spent 15 minutes looking into updating my resume, but writing no words. Well, I haven't watched videos so far. That would be the daily/weeker counter to denote, along with sleep I suppose. I am still not looking forward to work tomorrow, let alone checking in my manager. I am dreading the "how was your weekend?" question I have Thursday and Friday off, but I am not confident I will use it well. That mindset likely won't be helpful though. Not enforcing activities when drinking alcohol / eating / tired continues to lead to the appeal of passively absorbing online media. The odds of me eating somewhere other than my desk seem even lower considering a potential move sooner now. It's just past 9 PM. Of course now I don't feel so tired, but that partially is what led to last night. I ought to go screens off in an attempt to slowly restore my sleep schedule once again.