Intermitent Display Of Emotions

[wheatbiscuit]

13 hours ago, pdallair91 said:

I haven't made much of an effort to find a new job.  So far, I've updated my resume and applied for a single job.  I'm an honest and simple guy.  I keep my resume short and to the point.  The job posting was we are looking for X of Y with 2 years of Z experience.  I was X of Y with ~10 years of Z experience.  Seriously, it's almost like I was applying for something adjacent to what I was just laid off from.  And yet, my application seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

The whole process feels so tedious and futile; I feel commodified - stripped of all ideas and personality - every step of the way.  It doesn't matter how honest and deep you look at yourself, just sprinkle as many buzzwords as you can on your profile/resume, call it a "skill", call it "experience", and hope to God someone gets tricked into selecting you.  Curiosity, ambition, ideas, values?  If you don't have the means to make it happen yourself, put all that aside, shut up, sit down, and do what you are told.  Like God damn, even dating apps are better than this and I've been single (no benefits) for >10 years.  Can I at least get a "sorry but not interested" from this 1 employer?  Sheesh...

Whenever I do a "what are my values" quiz or whatever, "honesty/authenticity" comes up all the time near the top for me.  However, it seems like we live in a grifter's paradise these days.  Being honest and accurate is for losers, it seems.  Spread misinformation about yourself, others, and the world at large, it's all about quantity and not quality.  That's the monster (i.e. the abyss) I feel I am up against, the type I am encouraged to become and it disgusts me.

I don't know what the point of all this is meant to be.  Maybe I'm just ranting. *sigh* ... honestly, I don't "really" want to work for anyone else on some "bigtech" product... I just don't want to have to worry about rent, food, and medical expenses while I do my best to make myself and others feel a bit better somehow.  I feel too tired and frustrated for large ambitions right now.  I just want to feel safe and welcome.  Is that too much to ask for?  Apparently so...

When my mom was rejoining the workforce, she was lucky enough to be recognised by old workmates from 10+ years previously. I've heard that some people don't even like the word 'authentic' now - me, I think any term can be called a buzzword if overused. I just played Charles Wright's 'Express Yourself' twice because it popped into my head, as a lot of older things do when I'm feeling challenged. Anyway, my mom sort of treats the world like a village (I am at risk of turning that into a buzz word now). Even the person who's been helping me in finding new work has now said that the world is small (they will be in new work too soon, handing me to another person in the agency) - because we're likely to recognise each other socially, but also maybe because one way or another, we're supposed to recognise certain qualities first in other people, then they come into focus fully (again, perhaps). Do you let or encourage people to make big impressions on you? I wouldn't now underestimate the value of remembering probably small things others have said or done but meant a lot to me, then bringing them up, because it can be very flattering. Then it's like I'm suddenly welcome in their life. Had I known that and found better outlets than gaming earlier in my life to process and wait until people needed it.. retreating into my head might never have posed such a problem. We shouldn't give up so easily.

~ Matt

[Pochatok]

23 hours ago, pdallair91 said:

Whenever I do a "what are my values" quiz or whatever, "honesty/authenticity" comes up all the time near the top for me. 

Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values!

I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. 

I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.

[Vee]

23 hours ago, pdallair91 said:

I haven't made much of an effort to find a new job.  So far, I've updated my resume and applied for a single job.  I'm an honest and simple guy.  I keep my resume short and to the point.  The job posting was we are looking for X of Y with 2 years of Z experience.  I was X of Y with ~10 years of Z experience.  Seriously, it's almost like I was applying for something adjacent to what I was just laid off from.  And yet, my application seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

The whole process feels so tedious and futile; I feel commodified - stripped of all ideas and personality - every step of the way.  It doesn't matter how honest and deep you look at yourself, just sprinkle as many buzzwords as you can on your profile/resume, call it a "skill", call it "experience", and hope to God someone gets tricked into selecting you.  Curiosity, ambition, ideas, values?  If you don't have the means to make it happen yourself, put all that aside, shut up, sit down, and do what you are told.  Like God damn, even dating apps are better than this and I've been single (no benefits) for >10 years.  Can I at least get a "sorry but not interested" from this 1 employer?  Sheesh...

Whenever I do a "what are my values" quiz or whatever, "honesty/authenticity" comes up all the time near the top for me.  However, it seems like we live in a grifter's paradise these days.  Being honest and accurate is for losers, it seems.  Spread misinformation about yourself, others, and the world at large, it's all about quantity and not quality.  That's the monster (i.e. the abyss) I feel I am up against, the type I am encouraged to become and it disgusts me.

I don't know what the point of all this is meant to be.  Maybe I'm just ranting. *sigh* ... honestly, I don't "really" want to work for anyone else on some "bigtech" product... I just don't want to have to worry about rent, food, and medical expenses while I do my best to make myself and others feel a bit better somehow.  I feel too tired and frustrated for large ambitions right now.  I just want to feel safe and welcome.  Is that too much to ask for?  Apparently so...

 

I relate to a lot of that. The course I'm on has an employability module, and there's a lot of "be yourself!" alongside "Do X, Y and Z otherwise you're putting yourself at a disadvantage". I hate all the bollocks involved in getting a job, which is why I've dragged my feet over updating my CV and applying for jobs.

I've been single for ten years as well, and haven't touched a dating app in seven years(?). I don't think you are penalised for authenticity in the same way there, but I can't feel authentic on a dating profile when I know I'm being selective about what I do and don't mention. That's true in real-life interactions too, but it doesn't feel so...manipulative.

[Ikar]

On 4/16/2024 at 6:35 PM, pdallair91 said:

The whole process feels so tedious and futile; I feel commodified - stripped of all ideas and personality - every step of the way. 

Sending a CV is the first (and out of necessity formal) step in applying for a job. Building rapport is for the interview itself and for the trial period. It's not personal that company X doesn't reply to your CV. Maybe their HR is overloaded. Maybe the job offer isn't current. Maybe there are some hidden conditions they don't mention. Maybe some people applied before you and they're having interviews with them before (and if) they get to you.  You can't know, so there's no reason to worry about it.

What I did in the past (some 3-4 years ago) was to find companies that I felt were relevant to me as a potential employer (that is, even without them explicitly offering a job). I jammed every email adress I could find into Bcc, wrote something short, attached my CV. I did that maybe twice or thrice. I'm sure I sent out hundreds of emails this way. From all those emails, I was at around 30 interviews. Maybe 5 turned out to be profitable (gave me courses at some point) and maybe 5 others came back to me later.

But before I started that, I was also hung up on getting a response/interview/job from "that one company". Now I can turn them down, because I don't need them anymore and I have better paid courses.

-

As for the dicussion about authenticity that @wheatbiscuit @Pochatok and @Vee expanded on: I found out that honesty and authenticity works great in my life. But (and this is a big BUT), there's also a lot of "catching up" to do with others, at least at first.

We've rebuilt ourselves since admitting the gaming issue. Some more, some less. Depending on how much we still identify with our "gaming past/gaming trouble", it will influence the conversations we have and the relationships we have.

We all here joined this forum, because we understood we had a serious problem. Gaming is/was our drug of choice. Even being among addicts is often troublesome on its own. Some people will damn us for that outright just out of their strange principle that we're not "normal". And even if we never had a gaming problem, people are people and some people don't like others just because.

[Pochatok]

On 4/18/2024 at 5:49 AM, Ikar said:

Some people will damn us for that outright just out of their strange principle that we're not "normal".

Haha now that you bring the construct normalcy into the picture, I realize that I came out (in a bunch of different ways, not just queerness) once I quit, even while so many people I knew continued gaming. It was so liberating to feel different!

[pdallair91]

It's been almost 2 months since my last post in this journal/thread.  My situation hasn't significantly changed since then.  I'm still unemployed, still gaming, floating between mild and moderate depression.  To be honest, I don't think I can blame anybody but myself for this stagnancy.  I openly admit I have barely put in extra effort towards change, especially career-wise.  That same lack of motivation and "willpower" I've often struggled with.  I'm stuck in this "cycle" of avoidance/procrastination so to speak.

I'm repeating myself here, as I've expressed in my last several posts, this lifestyle is largely fueled by cynicism towards myself and the society I live in at large.  It takes a lot to muster up the will to "keep trying" when it feels impossible.  Even if I acknowledge the subjectivity and fallacious nature of this "impossibility", that I will certainly and probably have succeeded in more ways than I instinctively acknowledge, the feeling doesn't go away.  If I keep waiting for this feeling to go away before acting, then I might never (if ever) act.  I can't make this feeling go away.  I must learn to accept it, live with it, and make "reasonable/wise" accommodations for it.

Acceptance is a big topic in my psychotherapy.  So I searched the word on YouTube and saw a video that I already watched and commented on it, ~2 years ago.

Quote

To me, self-acceptance is like providing the emotional validation that I didn't get [enough of] from my familly and peers growing up. I experienced a lot of (often unintentional) emotional neglect. So much that I've grown accustomed to neglecting myself. I'm still in the middle of recovery but I realise now, in this moment at least, that true healing, for me, often starts with saying what I wished other people told me instead of criticizing me: "it's ok. I'm proud of you".

So here I go... despite the awkwardness...

dear me,

It's ok that you feel it's almost impossible to improve/succeed in various aspects of life like health, career, and community.  A lot of things happened to you... you wanted... heck, you deserved better.  I'm proud that you haven't given up completely, and that you manage to muster up wisdom, courage, and strength.  I believe you can make it out of this eventually.  Keep thinking, keep trying and good luck.

I love you man.  TTYL.  Peace out.

[pdallair91]

Monday wasn't a good day. Nothing bad happened to me, it was like I decided to have a bad day. I'm not helping myself with the language I am using here: "good" vs "bad"; so vague for the amount of weight they bring.  So, let's be more specific and fair.  I had an unproductive day, a day of "binging" so to speak.  I didn't shower.  I didn't get dressed.  I ate junk food, played video games, and watched anime all day.  There were moments of self-awareness but I chose to continue fleeing/avoiding judgment/guilt; I felt ashamed - I didn't want anyone to see me the way I was - like I was a "bad" person (there's that language again).

I'm not a "bad" person.  I make mistakes all the time, sure, but who doesn't?  I've made these mistakes - hurting myself and/or others - more often than I'm willing to accept though...  Now that I think about it, the bar for the "acceptable range" is pretty low; too low perhaps.  Regarding yesterday, all the "damage" done didn't directly involve others, it was directed at me exclusively.  Was it even intentional?  I was foolishly neglectful of my needs and/or overindulgent in my wants.  But that was yesterday.  There might (probably will) be similar instances in the future but at the moment, I am being more mindful, perhaps even productive on a personal/spiritual level.  With some effort, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "bad", because of yesterday, harsh; just as instinctively, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "good", because of the present moment, meek.  I am neither "good" nor "bad" overall.  I like to think I am "good enough" overall at the moment. xD

It takes a lot of cognitive effort at the moment (given the depression I'm going through) but I can forgive myself.  That's an important skill to have/use.  If I can't forgive myself, then I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes, to take risks, to "live life" per se.  In this light here's a sample of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Learning to Live by Dream Theater.
 

Quote

The way your heart sounds
Makes all the difference
It's what decides if you'll endure the pain that we all feel
The way your heart beats
Makes all the difference in learning to live
Here before me is my soul
I'm learning to live
I won't give up 'til I've no more to give
No more to give

Peace out folks.  Hope you have a nice day.

[Pochatok]

On 6/12/2024 at 1:14 PM, pdallair91 said:

  I was foolishly neglectful of my needs and/or overindulgent in my wants.  But that was yesterday.  There might (probably will) be similar instances in the future but at the moment, I am being more mindful, perhaps even productive on a personal/spiritual level. 

love this language! wish you a week of meeting your needs and making use of your deep awareness skills ❤️

 

[pdallair91]

Anxiety

In my post, more than 2 months ago I opened with the following:

On 6/9/2024 at 2:17 PM, pdallair91 said:

It's been almost 2 months since my last post in this journal/thread.  My situation hasn't significantly changed since then.

The same can be said now.  I'm still unemployed, mostly since I haven't tried to find employment in the first place - I say "mostly" because I don't know what my odds of succeeding would've been, had I put in some effort.  I had weekly social things going on in July, which were good for my morale but these events have not been available to me yet in August.  I'm lonely.  I'm coping by distracting myself mostly...

A more effective treatment for loneliness is genuine human connection, which takes time to cultivate.  Staying home alone isn't helping.  My therapist has thrown many reasonable suggestions at me.  Ideas that could turn into fulfilling hobbies/activities.  Yet, I haven't picked up a single one.  Why? ... I'm trying to remember how I react when these suggestions/ideas are handed to me... I remember feeling "afraid", too afraid to try, too afraid to even contemplate the suggestion/idea further. 

I've heard things along the lines of "anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin", that you can't have one without some of the other, etc.  I failed to see that in my case - only ascribing depression - until recently.  It's anxiety that prevents me from escaping the cycle(s) that lead to depression.  The more anxious we are, the more inclined we will to resort to the instinctive fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.  In my case, that would be "freeze", I think, because I'm afraid of failing in the eyes of others, I'm afraid of not living up to expectations/goals and ultimately, I'm afraid of being abandoned/rejected.

I don't think there's any way of dispelling this anxiety, at least, not completely.  It would be more effective to be mindful of it and treat it with kindness and respect.  This anxiety is a part of who I am at the moment, and cannot be excised.  I will consider meditating on this for the rest of the week and see how it goes.

[Pochatok]

On 8/19/2024 at 1:35 PM, pdallair91 said:

It would be more effective to be mindful of it and treat it with kindness and respect.  This anxiety is a part of who I am at the moment, and cannot be excised. 

sad to hear you feel stuck in the current situation, yet i'm glad you're giving yourself so much space. i believe that even if the moment you wrote that passage on, anxiety was too large to be moved, it won't necessarily be the case tomorrow. wishing you (and myself) good change. 

[pdallair91]

I achieved a few things on the day I made my last post.  Nothing groundbreaking from any other person's point of view but I was satisfied.  I had done some chores, signed up for activities, made that post, and attended my first online Sangha session, trying my best to make my life (with all its discomforts) feel "worth living".  Of course, the day couldn't end on a positive note.  No, one of my teeth had to break later that evening.

To be fair, it could've been worse.  In a sense, I was lucky.  First, the tooth that broke is a back one I had a lot of work done on - including a root canal.  Hence, I wasn't in any pain (yet).  Second, I managed to get an appointment within the ~11 days of insurance coverage I had left.  The problem is too complicated to adequately fix in a single appointment, but I did at least get a temporary fix, a "band-aid" so to speak.  The full prognosis is that I will probably need to see a specialist and get surgery to save that tooth - something I can't afford on my own - and I don't know how long that "band-aid" is going to last.  Anyway, these are problems for another day.  Today, I'm just trying to come back down from the traumatic experience that going to the dentist tends to be (inevitably).  The drills, needles, picks... the blood... the physical and psychological tension of having your mouth pried open.  My hands always end up clasping the chair handles and my feet shake.  It's been >30 minutes and my hands are still shaking.  It's at moments like this that I wish my parents were closer (geographically) cause I could really use a hug right about now.

Anyways, I have my second online Sangha session tonight and I'm making this post now.  Just recognizing my discomfort is an important step that is being taken.  It won't last forever.  Hopefully, I will sleep well tonight. If not, then tomorrow.

Thank you @Pochatok for your like and reply.  Your compassion is much appreciated.

Peace out folks.

[Pochatok]

On 8/26/2024 at 2:52 PM, pdallair91 said:

Nothing groundbreaking from any other person's point of view but I was satisfied.

dunno, seems pretty awesome to me! i think what you mean is that strangers wouldn't see much, which is applicable for most people's everyday hustling, imo. as someone who is familiar with you, however, i understand how big, contextually, all these changes are!

i know it's well past the dentist visit, but sending hugs to the version of you who typed up that message. i also have a strong disdain for dentistry- every visit i just try to think about people who have it much worse (people on the frontline of ukraine, for example). does help me- most of the visits i remember through the people i imagined, not the tooth tinckering.

hope you feel like your life is worth living, because it absolutely is. even in outmost isolation, we are making an impact on the world- and that matters above all else, to me.

[pdallair91]

Prisoner of Unreasonable Doubt

For the past several months I haven't experienced much (if any) growth in my career and health.  The outcomes from my efforts, the little of which I have brought forth, haven't made much of a difference.  However, I am seeing some changes to the "spiritual" aspect of my life. 

Since my last post, on Aug 26th, I have been attending online meetings with a sangha (a Buddhist group/community) on a weekly basis (except for Labor Day, naturally).  During these meetings, a teacher leads the conversation.  They start by welcoming newcomers and invite them to speak a little about themselves and their practice.  Then, the teacher gives us a prompt/topic/question and sends us out in random groups of ~3 to discuss.  Upon our return, we are invited to share anything that stood out for us during these conversations with the whole sangha.  Finally, we ease into a long meditation for the time we have left (typically 30-45 minutes) before a friendly goodbye.

The topic the sangha had been discussing when I joined and still up to this day is that of the 5 hindrances.  These are the types of cognitive experiences that may become obstacles to our mindfulness - during meditation and our daily lives - as per the Buddha's teachings.

• Pleasure (Sensory)
• Frustration ("Ill-Will")
• Fatigue
• Restlessness
• Doubt

It is normal to experience these kinds of thoughts.  The goal, for me at least, isn't to completely eradicate these.  Rather, my goal is to notice them and gently try to prevent them from completely controlling the rest of my thoughts and attention.

I'm glad that I joined the sangha in time to take part in and listen to discussions on the hindrance of doubt.  The kind of doubt we are talking about here is mostly self-doubt; i.e., doubt in one's own abilities.  Mind you, it also seems to me that some doubt can help put the hindrances in check, keeping us grounded in reality.  However, doubt becomes a problem/obstacle when it prevents us from making a reasonable effort.  When I ask myself "Am I doing this right?  Can I even succeed?  Why am I even doing this?", with limited time and resources to investigate, I am often causing myself harm.

Someone in the sangha said something akin to the following:

Quote

"It seems like doubt often stems from our human compulsion to find answers". 

That thought was insightful for me.  There will always be gaps in my understanding, the foundation of my confidence in every action I take.  Growing up, I was pressured to fill that gap with "God" but I ultimately rejected this approach.  As difficult as it is, I think I am getting more and more comfortable with admitting "I don't know" when it comes to the bigger and rarer questions.  I believe it's about time I let myself say the same for smaller, more day-to-day details.  I think that the difference between experiencing mindfulness and practicing mindfulness, is that the former will simply notice the hindrance of doubt and hope that it goes away, while the latter will notice doubt and balance the excess out with trust.  With continued practice, I hope to identify more with the latter.

May I trust in myself and my efforts so that this may lead to progress in my career and health.  peace out folks.

[pdallair91]

I am suffering (emotionally) at the moment.  At first, I was angry.  I felt like I was "lied to" and "wasted my time".  Then I was sad.  I'm still sad.  I feel so "worthless" and "inadequate" to the world around me.  Don't we all want to be "used" in some way?  Like, we all want to be useful in a dignified manner, wouldn't you agree?  I was hoping to find some satisfaction in this regard today and I found none at all.  I feel used cheaply and pathetically instead.  It's difficult to imagine finding 1 or more sustainable sources for this satisfaction; times and places where I "belong" are few and far between and rarely put food on the table, so to speak.  It's difficult but I have to trust in the possibility.  Otherwise, I don't see the point in subjecting myself to further "usage".  Did you know?  In software development, when a piece of software is "retired" or "shelved" (no more support, no more updates) it is colloquially referred to as having "reached its EOL" (End Of Life).  I wonder how close I am to my EOL because it sure feels like "support" is lacking these days.

Good luck folks.  I'm gonna go look at some cute puppers online now.

[Pochatok]

hey Patrick,

appreciate you hanging on- i'm glad you recognize the importance of support in your own life, and am so sorry that it is so lacking. 

while i am not in the same situation, i relate to the struggle for places of "belonging" and/or where i feel authentically "useful" rather than commodified. and that, then, causes me to return to a variety of unhelpful, damaging habits- biggest one being the creation of barriers to experiencing joy, rest, and other self-sustaining activities. it's very hard to notice them when i am alone- only when spending time, authentically, with other people, am i able to point out all the negative self-talk in my head.

but, i believe that i will make more positive difference in others' lives in the future. that keeps me going. what keeps you going? your last message seems to end on a low note- which is fine! i'm not concerned, but it is sad to see you down.  

[Amphibian220]

I think this state is influenced by videogames Patrick. Video games make a person feel lonely. Just after a week of saying away from social media and games, i start talking to store keepers, notice my neighbours, help community members out. I think of online entertainment as this fence that blocks me from being part of my town. If we go step by step and feel content with a friendly conversation we had during the day, we will not feel worthless.

[pdallair91]

On 10/7/2024 at 12:38 PM, Pochatok said:

[...] I relate to the struggle [...] it is sad to see you down.

Thank you @Pochatok, for your compassion.  To reassure you, I talked with a friend that afternoon and I had an appointment with my psychologist the next morning.  While I did mildly succumb to urges, it didn't spin out of control.  My situation has neither improved nor worsened.  It feels "neutral", so to speak. 

I can also feel this bias to lump this "neutral" feeling with the "unpleasant" kind; i.e., "neutral" feelings, I am inclined to avoid almost as much as the "unpleasant" kind.  Hypothetically, I should be left with nothing but the "pleasant" kind.  The thing about this hypothesis though, is that it is predicated on something unrealistic.  The feeling I am experiencing (the "neutral" kind) cannot be avoided, it is a part of my experience in the present moment.  It's "normal", per se.  I'm able to see it and I know it would be wiser to embrace it somehow but I'm not sure I have yet to cultivate the skills to do so.  At least, it feels awkward, like a "man" reluctant to show affection.  I suppose my attempt, whether it's successful or not, at least waters the seed so that I may perhaps cultivate something of it in the future.

I feel "neutral" and that's ok.  In hindsight, it's better than how I felt while I was making that last post.  Though I have yet to find means that also happen to "put food on the table", so to speak, there are places and people that can make me feel welcome if I allow myself to see it as such.  Is this what you meant @Amphibian220 by "feel[ing] content"?

[Amphibian220]

15 hours ago, pdallair91 said:

 

I feel "neutral" and that's ok.  In hindsight, it's better than how I felt while I was making that last post.  Though I have yet to find means that also happen to "put food on the table", so to speak, there are places and people that can make me feel welcome if I allow myself to see it as such.  Is this what you meant @Amphibian220 by "feel[ing] content"?

Yes, I have to allow it to happen.

i think from Cam’s workbook, we should at first learn to care for ourselves and follow good standards  for becoming robust. If you build a bit of that, then connections with community and family can be safely established.

If we train our muscles, we are in a position to take on bigger weights. If we take on the biggest weight without training for it, we can hurt ourselves.

I dont know your individual circumstances, so that you need to identify a tailored recovery process by being self accountable and using a workbook.

Edited October 15 by Amphibian220