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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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Hope you find something useful in this journal entry. Thank you so much for reading ❤️ 

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Gaming

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I plan to play for 20 min on Fri and Sat. If urges are too strong to regulate that, I will uninstall the game again, wipe all progress, and block the download site.

Urges are more insiduous at this point... I've played over 45 minutes on both Fri and Sat, but it was certainly a rewarding experience. I will cap it from now on, as while I'm enjoying actually having a good time while gaming (and am learning a lot about myself, practicing my ability to focus and remain calm, etc.), I don't want it to be bigger than any other activities. At the moment, I game more than I do HW/hobbies. That's not something I like to write about myself.

 

Recap of the week

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I will try to create a different schedule over the weekend so that my most passionate doings get priority

Never happened..? This week started out with a lot of passion for animation, but then I had to subsidize that for homework and jobs as I started to drag behind the schedule... I will prioritize time tomorrow morning to work on this!

Other than that, the week has been pretty fine. I'm not making time management mistakes pretty much at all- it feels good to not be forgetting about important meetings. I am late to almost everything though... Mobilization in Russia is horrifying still, and the more I hear from my family and the internet about what is actually going on (rather than what the gov/news is saying), the more directly I feel impacted and connected to this catastrophe.

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

Practicing music has been more distracted than usual because of how relaxed I am.

A bit better, but this week overall has been dipping low in self esteem and ability to feel good about myself. Have been practicing self-care and self-love more intentionally, aiming to do things that actually are good for me rather than things that make me feel good. Uninstalling games is an act of self care. Going to bed early is an act of self care.
Hope to feel more motivated to do exciting and hard things next week. I am tired of doing small work; I want to feel as ambitious and grand as I did during the summer again.

 

Relationships

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I've been pretty social, seeing people at lunch/dinner every day

Shifted around my patterns a bit: lunch/dinner is more so my own time, but I'm seeing lots of people throughout the week! Will hang out with 2 friends tomorrow, have texted my best friend, and hang out with two other friends Thursday dinner. It does feel like a lot, but also feels like a very exciting and unique set of experiences to me. 
Things with my partner are ok, we both schedule things very differently this year and my partner is frustrated that we don't get to spend much time together. We hope to make some changes in the coming week. I miss them.

 

Moving Forward

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

Perhaps, I can try to desire all these things a bit more, and, perhaps, my priorities will change with that.

I did a lot of visioning and journaling, and it sort of helped, but also did not. Something very important is missing, and I've been struggling to determine what it is for almost three weeks. I'm just not as motivated, and still am struggling to pick up those loose ends and get my research started. But, I have to acknowledge that this year is, just like any other, completely different from those before, and I'm dealing with new challenges.

I hope to be true to myself and not become frustrated with games again. I want to be an animator, composer, good lover, and many other things, and that requires time. 

--

Thank you so much for reading, I hope that you will get time to take care of yourself today ❤️

Po

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Hope you'll find something useful in this journal ❤️

--

Gaming

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

it was certainly a rewarding experience. I will cap it from now on

Nah, doesn't feel rewarding as much. I think that I don't mind gaming occasionally, but it has to be well thought-out and purposeful for me to actually want to come back to the experience. The game I play requires caution, patience, and good planning; if any of those are out of focus, I lose immediately. If I approach this correctly, this game would help me learn to prevent and anticipate mistakes better, but today's 25-min session was mostly frustrating. I am capping my "sessions" to 5 min, and only when I am alone in the room, and only past 8pm. 

Recap of the week

 

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

This week started out with a lot of passion for animation, but then I had to subsidize that

Coming back to this again! Trying to do a bit of animation and composition daily, but in order to succeed at either by the end of 2022, I will need to prioritize them unevenly. Sad, but I do want to see results, and soon. 

Other than that, I've been noticing that I am not as effective as I can be, and it partially has to do with a rather relaxed approach to personal deadlines (and academic work is light too, I have to acknowledge). I hope to join online communities that will help me get more ambitious and passionate. Also, I am greatly enjoying sports and music. Got a performance this weekend!

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I am tired of doing small work; I want to feel as ambitious and grand as I did during the summer again.

Takes time to rebuild this, but I'm trying to do a bit more every day. Every night and morning starts with reading. I have very solid routines. The core issue right now is my mindset to approaching certain tasks, as the anxiety of getting a job and building a career is getting more immediate day by day... But I will manage!

Ambition is slowly coming back, but now I know that inspiration and motivation come from doing, not dreaming. I will keep doing. 

 

Relationships

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

We hope to make some changes in the coming week

Some unexpected but very welcoming conversations took place with my partner yesterday, and I feel more secure, excited, and optimistic about our relationship than I've had in a few months. That feels great.

I am struggling to support financially both myself and my family, and that is saddening a bit, but I know that it is a temporary problem that I will be able to resolve. Most important thing is to be there for my family as a person, and I hope to call them tomorrow night 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm just not as motivated, and still am struggling to pick up those loose ends

Continuing to improve, however slowly. I think that at the core, my motivation is still not as high as it could be, but I also am doing very difficult, challenging work. What makes following my passions difficult, I think, is that I am not obliged to work on them, and neither will I create a visible, immediate positive impact, and those are the things that motivate me to outperform myself otherwise. But, the more I will do what I love, the more passion and motivation will come.

It takes time, but I've done it in the past, and will do it again. 

--

Thank you for reading, fellow Quitter! Stay strong, and have a good rest of your day ❤️ 

Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Time for another recap! Today has been one of the slowest Saturdays in a long time, I think the colder weather and lack of sunlight are starting to take their toll...

--

Gaming

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I am capping my "sessions" to 5 min, and only when I am alone in the room, and only past 8pm. 

Haven't been playing since. I think that will change now that I'm oficially committed to becoming a video game composer (hehe), but I still will cap this, along with any other entertainment. 

I still don't plan on ever playing online multiplayer, ever. It's designed to be addictive, and often toxic + stressful. I like to see games as an art form, and MMOs ain't it.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I do want to see results, and soon. 

Dropped animation. It is something I will most certainly come back to, but I do need a more secure and reliable way to make a living first. By the time I am 30, I hope to be doing animation, but until then, I will shift my energy elsewhere.

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

help me get more ambitious and passionate

Still here; overall, I am not wasting time per se, but I wish I had more drive. Yes, motivation comes from doing things, not vice versa, but I wish that I would have more desire to do things than to rest. 
Hmmm, this thought illuminates a harmful mindset. I am assuming that I am not doing my best, which is true, but I still believe to be my best self. The circumstances have changed (the weather is really tiring, and I have not gotten good sleep in last two days), but I am still putting in a lot of effort and passion. Some of it comes down to not following routines, which I can do better on by creating a better environment...

Overall, I think it has been a very good week, though a tiring one. I'm doing great in classes, and am restarting once again on my career journey. It seems that my desire for a future where I am perfectly happy with what I am doing is causing me to be inconsistent; I'll expand on this thought next week.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

Ambition is slowly coming back

This is still a mystery to me- I have figured out how to make motivation work in my favour, but ambition is difficult to conceptualize. I want to pin it down, as it does impact motivation.

Other than that, I've been more acutely aware of my tendency to be late due to drowning in the process of whatever the task is. Not happy with this, and will work toward kicking this habit out of my life. 

 

Relationships

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel more secure, excited, and optimistic about our relationship

This was great, yes ❤️ But, now we're stubmling onto a core difference that has been looming for a very long time, and it's not something that can be resolved with a few good conversations. I'm certainly overthinking the impact it has on the relationship (it doesn't, lol), but it might become a dealbreaker in the future, and that's what has been making me nervous. At this point, though, I've come to accept that. I am extremely grateful for everything my partner has brought to my life, and I won't treat this relationship like it's falling apart unless we're truly hitting rock bottom, which is not the case now nor does it have to be in the future. At this point in our lives, we very much get to shape our future, and I wan't to be hopeful, not nihilistic.

Family is doing okay. I am grateful for how hardworking and loving they are, though I also think that they're going to crash and burn sometime within the next year, and am nervous that I won't be able to support them through those times. They've been working too hard, too much, and they're also not getting younger lol. But again, I choose to be hopeful.

 

Moving Forward

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

. What makes following my passions difficult, I think, is that I am not obliged to work on them, and neither will I create a visible, immediate positive impact,

Still so true! Every day, I am doubting whether I am doing the right thing, because 1) I am not great at it yet and 2) the positive impact on others is literally not there, and I can never truly measure it the same way. But, I persist to work on my passions every day; my work will be purposeful and valuable, and I know that it has the capacity to change the world. And I will get there, step by step, day by day.

I also hope to not let my anxieties wallow me over as much- social anxieties have been kicking up, and it takes a lot of effort to put that fire out -_-

--

 

Hope you've found something insightful, helpful, or smile-worthy in this journal entry ❤️

Have a great day!
Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank to all who read my writing, I hope you have a brighter day 🙂

--

Gaming

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I think that will change now that I'm oficially committed to becoming a video game composer

Still treat games as a "rest" activity, though at this point they are pretty draining. It's still a fun and exciting activity,  but more similar to music or sports rather than watching a movie. Having a truly good time requires some effort, and sometimes that causes frustration. I'm very happy with how I'm feeling about games overall now though- they're not any more rewarding than reading or simply laying down. Something I've been aspiring to for a long time.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I wish that I would have more desire to do things than to rest. 

Getting there! It's all about doing things first, and then having the drive arrive. So, I've been doing a lot! Daily workouts, daily walks outside, daily podcasts, and so much more. But at the same time, laying out my future has been just as important and valuable- it's much easier to wake up feeling excited when I have things to look forward to. 

Otherwise, it's been a pretty tiring week. I am noticing more how I am academically and motivationally different from nearly all students. Some are chasing "A"s, others have strong passions, but few are pursuing things as vigorously as I am. This weekend hosted a record amount of parties, and I did not attend any. Just felt like doing work in my room instead, not watching a movie or relaxing in other way. I am a bit worried that this will bring social anxiety, but I am happy to be aligning my everyday routines with the people whose passion and efforts I admire.

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

It seems that my desire for a future where I am perfectly happy with what I am doing is causing me to be inconsistent

Ye. I'm too obsessed with preventing every little error, and doing everything in the best way possible. But future doesn't work like that. So, I've been focusing more on being in the present, taking time for myself now, rather than planning out things too far out. I want consistency, and so far this has been working better for me.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

ambition is difficult to conceptualize.

The more I am doing what I love, the more ambitious I get. It's a simple progression, it seems- improve my craft, share it, and get more and more opportunities. Ambition comes from opportunities that are brought to me, then... Though, I do want to make opportunities for myself, too. If I'm building a pyramid, the quality of the stone won't matter (i.e. my obsession with doing everything the best I can) if I am not stacking them properly. 

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

tendency to be late due to drowning in the process

Still a problem. I am literally late to something as I am writing this lol. *goes away for an hour*  But, I am definitely more self-conscious of the fact that this is an issue, and that already has made it a bit better.

Outside of that, I am attempting to get back to being much more focused in the present, but with a fresh new mindset. Before, I would try to achieve that through fairly restless work schedules, but now I simply want to be in the moment and have the ability to deal with things as they come and go.

 

Relationships

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

But, now we're stubmling onto a core difference that has been looming for a very long time,

Couple counselling session do wonders! The issue is still looming, but now both me and my partner acknowledge its importance and will be working towards addressing it. I am contuinuing to be getting more and more excited for this relationship's future as we go on. I have no idea if things will actually work out, but now I actually believe that we're doing something to up those odds.

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I also think that they're going to crash and burn

Nah, my family is doing pretty well! They are working a lot, but there is a lot of breaks and downtime that I wasn't seeing before. I am definitely anxious about my family more than optimistic, and tend to look at the difficulties, not the joys they are experiencing.

I am not seeing as many friends as I'd like, and that's been bugging me a bit. I think that for now, I'll take out video games of my daily activities, reserve them to 20 minutes over the weekend again. If I need to study from them, I'll do that via Youtube. Every time I'll have an urge to play, I'll text someone I appreciate instead 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

 

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I persist to work on my passions every day

It made a difference! I feel much more confident in my choice to pursue composition. In the long run, I still want to explore other mediums, but for starting a career, this is the point I will journey onwards from. 

I hope to be able to resist my urges and bad habits better in the coming week- my tendency to scatch acne and face in general has been resurfacing, and I've been not following some of my routines due to impulsive behaviours. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading, and have a great rest of your day 🙂 

I appreciate you so much,
Po

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On 3/28/2021 at 6:27 AM, Pochatok said:

DAY 90!!!

Quick reflection:

Well, made it so far! Don't have much to say today; have been trying to be productive but also just not in the mood to be doing a lot of things. Although, I think I should still try to improve my productivity as much as possible. My time is priceless, like anyone else's, and I should use every bit of it in a way that benefits someone. Playing games, watching porn, browsing social media- none of those are beneficial to me or anyone I care about. I might have overcome videogame addiction, but there is still so much more work to be done for me to become the future I seek. 

Gonna go have a shower to celebrate lol, and then eat some chips. Kind of forgot today was day 90 tbh, since it was rather a busy time overall- I moved back to campus. 

Some good things from recent:

  • Bought a new phone for just $150, including the price of the SIM card, screen protector and phone case. Very happy with the purchase, fingers crossed it will last me more than 2 years lol. 
  • Played Root again before leaving- and I won, hehe 🙂 It was a very enjoyable game overall, although both my mom and sister are much more intellectually focused than I am. Excited to play it again on campus sometime.
  • Did a lot of construction work again, and got cuts and blisters all over my hands- although they hurt, I do enjoy having them as a reminder of the work I did lol
  • Got bubble tea and a tasty visit to an Chinese restaurant; visiting those every other month or so feels great- just enough time to forget how much I love the taste of those things. 
  • Have not watched porn for quite a bit. Weirdly enough, it is my dreams that have really altered my perception of it- I just woke up, feeling no urges to watch it whatsoever, and that feeling has persisted since.

That's all I have as of right now. Hope reading this was in some way beneficial to you!

Wish you strength and luck,

Po

 

Awesome dude! But don't rest on your laurels. 90 days is great, but relapsing is still an option, I suggest watching out for those "Just this once" excuses lurking around the corner and keeping the momentum going.

"Stay hard"
-David Goggins

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On 10/31/2022 at 2:04 AM, Yan said:

Awesome dude! But don't rest on your laurels. 90 days is great, but relapsing is still an option, I suggest watching out for those "Just this once" excuses lurking around the corner and keeping the momentum going.

"Stay hard"
-David Goggins

Thank you! I've passed those 90 days nearly a year ago and since have decided to work in video game composition, so playing video games is a part of my career. I don't view it as a relapse anymore, though, since I am no longer experiencing addictive patterns. I have a (what I consider to be) healthy relationship with gaming and am fully in control of how much time and when I allocate to video games.

Hope that you'll stay strong on your own path, and thank you for checking out my journal, I appreciate your time and opinion so much ❤️

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My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 

--

Gaming

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Still treat games as a "rest" activity

Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I am a bit worried that this will bring social anxiety, but I am happy to be aligning my everyday routines with the people whose passion and efforts I admire.

Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. 

Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project.

Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I do want to make opportunities for myself

Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I simply want to be in the moment and have the ability to deal with things as they come and go

Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

 

Relationships

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Couple counselling session do wonders

Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Every time I'll have an urge to play, I'll text someone I appreciate instead 🙂 

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

 

Moving Forward

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

my tendency to scatch acne and face in general has been resurfacing

Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding.

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ 
Po

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23 hours ago, Pochatok said:

My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 

--

Gaming

Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically.

 

Recap of the week

Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. 

Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project.

Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

 

Relationships

Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

 

Moving Forward

Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding.

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ 
Po

You have so many goals. I think that you, the same as myself lack focus and priority. We need to have a clear number 1 priority, Ideally in life and long term values, but for sure at least for the same day. Otherwise everything is just made half-way and nothing really gets completed.

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On 11/7/2022 at 10:53 AM, Pochatok said:

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

This sounds good to me as I begin to have quite a lot of free time after leaving games and reducing my screen time. Will try! Thank you for the idea man!

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On 11/7/2022 at 9:41 PM, Yan said:

I think that you, the same as myself lack focus and priority.

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win.

I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. 

For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). 

I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

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On 11/9/2022 at 8:10 AM, LostRiver said:

This sounds good to me as I begin to have quite a lot of free time after leaving games and reducing my screen time. Will try! Thank you for the idea man!

Thank you! I'm glad you've found something helpful in my journal ❤️

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Thank you for reading my journal entry, I appreciate you being here so much!

---

Gaming

Nothing different! Haven't played at all this week due to how busy I've been, but hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks a bit in the coming days. 

 

Recap of the week

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

My social anxieties got worse

Hehe, had 4 hangouts this week and am feeling much better. There is so much I'm learning about being close friends with others, and while I have to work against some self-shaming whenever I make mistakes, it feels quite rewarding.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

Still haven't worked as much as I'd like, though I've made a lot, a lot of progress horizontally. I will set this down as my goal for next week. 

Other than that, I've managed to mess up my sleep schedule the last two days, and it has such a tremendous effect. Simply going to bed 1hr later and/or sleeping for <1hr makes me so exhausted. Feeling sore, out of focus, sluggish. I'm not upset at myself as I both times I stayed up for reasons that felt valid in the moment, but I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule.

Another area is lacking goals for some of my creative work. At times I can just jump into the midst of it and do great, but often that gets me into very frustrating situations. I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession.

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

Did not happen due to sleep issues. I will make a goal of reading for 1hr before bedtime. This will be a tough one...

 

Relationships

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

Beginning to feel this, not just believe. My partner does care a lot, even if it doesn't seem so at times. I very much appreciate their efforts, and it brings me hope. 

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages".

Slowed down a bit. I will make this a daily activity (at 9:30PM) from now on. 

Other than that, I'm so happy to be a bit more social again. Hanging out with people, for some reason, decreases my drive for productivity; not sure how to deal with that, and whether it really bothers me. Next term, I want to try to have a more consistent social life w/out losing my workaholic-ness. 

 

Moving Forward

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met

Next week, I want to go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams. I'm doing great work, but if I want to be recognized for it, I need to get louder. 

Edited by Pochatok
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15 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win.

I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. 

For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). 

I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

As long as you know your main goal as an artist, and take care to choose the best activities to support it, sounds great to me.

A sequence also sounds okay, but take note that very big goals sometimes take a lifetime to achieve. So you might have very few of those at a sequence.

For example, Arnold Schwarznegger has 4 of those (Immobility investor, Bodybuilding Champion, top selling actor, governor of California) and he is counted to be a superextraordinary person. Usually most people probably only accomplish one or two of those, otherwise he wouldn't be considered such a superman 😄

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/14/2022 at 5:53 AM, Yan said:

very big goals sometimes take a lifetime to achieve.

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! 

 

On 11/14/2022 at 5:53 AM, Yan said:

otherwise he wouldn't be considered such a superman

There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! 

 

There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

Now that I love to hear! Work ethic of Schwarzenegger? Give me some of that 😄  Well, work-ethic is most usually the thing that makes a person extraordinary...
Or at least the kind of extraordinary that I mean....

Because just being strong from birth, is not the kind of extraordinary I want to be, because I haven't earned it anyway. I want to be strong in the things that I can influence. And that is mostly work-ethic I guess...

You mean that he's not extraordinary from birth, but from work ethic with your message, right?

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4 hours ago, Yan said:

he's not extraordinary from birth, but from work ethic with your message

Yes! Or, I want to think that way. He spend the first two decades of his life in rural Austria, where nothing happened and he couldn't meet his ambitions. That's why he left to US. And for some time while he was in US, his life was not super fascinating either. But, he managed to develop a work ethic great enough to win the Bodybuilding Championship on the 1st try... I hope to get there!

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A long overdue entry. If you are reading this now- thank you for you time 🙂 I hope you find something to take away from my journey.

--

Gaming

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks

Will get to this tonight- I think that playing 10-20 minutes before my day is over feels good.

Since the break has started (I am all done with school yay), I've been certainly more tempted to play lots. Uninstalled all the games, and have made a commitment to not install anything "fun"; instead, I will do more experimental, challenging, non-relaxing, or simply puzzling games. They don't give the same chemical boost, and I don't feel addicted. 

Recap of the weekS

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

had 4 hangouts this week

Had a few more hangouts the following week that have been especially wonderful. I am so happy to be experiencing closer friendships. 

The academic term ended on a pretty good note. I do think that my motivation for doing well in classes has decreased, but I take that as a good sign- grades don't matter for my future much. What is an issue that I hope to address in the coming weeks, though, is that my motivation for long-term, important projects has not increased. 

     This week is the beginning of Winter Break. I am feeling pretty good so far, I did not experience any burnout/exhaustion that came in years prior. There was a seamless transition from academics to personal work; I feel as motivated to get out of bed, get stuff done, and dream big.
     What definitely helped this happen was lots of self-reflection ahead of time, where I outlined my goals for the break, the things I want and need to do, and much else. Since I know what and when I want to get done, I don't feel unmotivated. Also, keeping the same work schedule helps so much- I wake up, go to bed, eat, and take breaks at the same time as before the break. 

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will set this down as my goal for next week. 

Do have a plan, but am not actively working towards executing it. It is definitely avoidance mindsets- I don't have that much time to work on larger tasks, but I am not dedicating any at the moment. 

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule.

Oops, forgot about this! I don't think I need it much though, the value of a consistent sleep schedule is so obvious to me now (I've done more research) that I have a very strong inclination to wake up early. 

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession.

Better on this, but a bit irregular. I don't quite keep this in my mind as a goal, rather just tend to do it because what I'm after requires planning. 

Otherwise, I am feeling more or less at the top of my game. There is obvious challenges to being at 100% all the time- a new environment, less sunlight, more solitude, less scheduled events. To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work. I am continuing to do more of it every day. Also, I need to read more if I want to keep up. Books give me so much motivation.

 

Relationships

Romantically, I am continuing to sway back and forth between hopeful and pessimistic. My partner is doing the bare minimum, but with a lot of hesitation. Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me, as I take lack of engagement from my partner as a sign that they won't do the work when life gets more stressful (and it always does!).

But at the same time, I know that they do care, very deeply, about this relationship and believe in wonders. Some of the issues do stem from how I am approaching this whole thing, too, but I feel like the way I feel is very fair and reasonable. I will do my best not to act on it thought.

Other things are going well. I am chatting with a lot more people online, and have scheduled a hangout already. Once my december course starts, I will be surrounded by friends 24/7. A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams.

In some ways- I am doing more than I was a couple days ago, being much more present socially, picking up new projects... But the largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking. Will get to them in the coming days no matter what!

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On 3/29/2021 at 11:26 PM, Pochatok said:

Day 92

Quick Reflection on games:

Having minor urges due to school starting up again- I do not engage well with ZOOM university at times. However, that will all be sorted out soon. Can already feel the tons of HW piling on my head. Watching Mr Robot instead of playing videogames is definitely scratching that "relaxation time" itch I have after finishing every class. However, I should definitely time how much I am spending on activities like that. 

Some good things:

  • Like my new phone. Although, just discovered that I could have bought it for $5-30 cheaper, easily. Oh well, lessons learned- official websites always have higher prices. 
  • Liking my classes so far.
  • Learned to use "Notion" to some extent. I like it.
  • Have been on top of my schedule overall

Things I am nervous about:

  • Hearing back from an interview I just had
  • Hearing back from the 3 internships I applied for
  • Being socially active while also not panicking/overreacting lol
  • Finishing the week without getting behind on anything
  • Supporting my partner enough

Random thought:

I think that the higher my heartbeat is, the faster, less though-out my speaking is. I need to work on that; should be the other way around. Always push myself to speak at a comfortable rate, where I am concise and informative rather than pushing out unnecessary words just so my brain can catch up with the thought. Happened during today's interview, and I feel like it could hurt my chances quite a bit. How does your speech change when you are nervous/excited?

Po

 

Comment on the Random thought part:
I guess I wasn't nervous/excited for some time now.
I try to accept that the outcome is out of my control, and therefore, there is no reason to be too excited about it. At the same time I concentrate on just doing my best with what I know, and it calms me down, also realizing that the feeling of anxiousness will do no good and only make you act more irrationally.
The last time I remember being at a job interview though, which was more than 2 years ago, and I felt a bit excited/anxious, I tried to speak slower as you put it. I paid attention that If I don't know what to say, I keep silent. Instead of saying *uhm... like... eeeeehhh....* etc.
(Edit):Addition: I thought this comment was on the last page.... Oh well, guess it will do anyway 😄

Edited by Yan
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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/25/2022 at 6:54 PM, Yan said:

Comment on the Random thought part:
I guess I wasn't nervous/excited for some time now.
I try to accept that the outcome is out of my control, and therefore, there is no reason to be too excited about it. At the same time I concentrate on just doing my best with what I know, and it calms me down, also realizing that the feeling of anxiousness will do no good and only make you act more irrationally.
The last time I remember being at a job interview though, which was more than 2 years ago, and I felt a bit excited/anxious, I tried to speak slower as you put it. I paid attention that If I don't know what to say, I keep silent. Instead of saying *uhm... like... eeeeehhh....* etc.
(Edit):Addition: I thought this comment was on the last page.... Oh well, guess it will do anyway 😄

No, thank you so much for being here, I appreciate so much that you took the time to read and respond to my thoughts! 

I believe that it is ultimately very hard to deal with stress head on, especially during relatively uncommon situations like an interview. Instead, I've been trying to minimize even relatively isolated outbursts of stress as quickly as I can in my every day life. I hope that by making the habit of pausing, assessing, and reacting to any situation that brings me discomfort, I'll be able to mitigate or at least accept the stress in those rare ocassions. Really hope to make the most of this habit in the next two weeks, as I am on break...

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I'm glad to be back 🙂 It's been 4 days since I have returned from my class in Spain, and I'm finally jet lag free, though still sore af.

--

Gaming

Well, since I am still committed to work in the Video Game Industry for the vast creative potential it offers, I am trying to play more games that I would like to make. Unsuprisingly, they are all non-action indies that often address a wide array of politically sensetive topics. I actually feel like I am studying, not simply entertaining myself. 

Recap of the weekS

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

so happy to be experiencing closer friendships

Oooh, during the class I've developed so many wonderful relationships with people that it made me wonder what I really am seeking from my romantic relationship. On that end, things are going considerably better than in the last 4, 5, maybe 6 months? But still, I feel like this relationship does not meet what I desire. Whether that can change, and whether that is a significant issue are questions I will be answering in the coming month. 

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

I don't feel unmotivated

Truth is, I still was avoiding some difficult tasks- and not very cogniscent of it, even. It is scary to be working on such grandeur tasks, but remembering that even the biggest mountain is just a bunch of pebbles helps mitigate the fear.

In many ways, the Class was refreshing but also dearly exhausting, but given how much I love working and learning, I did not let myself catch enough of a break. I want to do so many things, and not out of avoidance of self-care or tending to other, less "important" tasks. But, the last few days have been filled with a bit too much urgency. I hope to strike a better balance soon- just have some catching up to do tonight, and after that I will have a more relaxed timeline. 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work.

Want to strike more on accountability! Motivation is also not having the best time, but I now firmly believe that it comes from doing, and try to "do" as much as I can. Noticing many more subtle avoidant behaviours in my life, and trying to deal with them appropriately.

The biggest challenge, though, is finding joy in the present moment, and through that staying focused on my goals and efficiency. Despite the break from many of my patterns that the trip to Spain offered, I have returned to them immediately upon arrival home. My tendencies to lose flow due to discomfort, or to take frustration as a sign of success, or to accept energy deprivation instead of working towards replenishing it- they're all still here. I am glad I can name them better, and am already actively tackling them with new systems and patterns. 

 

Relationships

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me

Reading "Courage to be Disliked" has helped me gather together many ideas and beliefs I held for a long time into a coherent whole. It is not my responsibility to motivate my partner to complete these tasks. All I can do is communicate my feelings, and let them know of the consequences of inaction. No matter what kind of change will take place in the coming months, I will do my best to embrace it and move forward.

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 

And I did! I started out quite introverted, but was able to embrace much more presence and love and frustration of other people. I feel much more comfortable making new connections, hanging out in large groups, and constantly shifting boundaries and exploring new possibilities. I'm very excited to build on this experience once school starts again. 

Been feeling lonely, as I am completely by myself at home right now. Texting more, connecting with the environment outside, and appreciating what I have has been helping. Ultimately, I know that I am surrounded by many loving and caring individuals even though they are not here at the moment. 

 

Moving Forward

On 11/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, Pochatok said:

he largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking

Muhaha, I am working on them now! Breaking things down more and more and more has helped tremendously, as has visioning of the final result's benefits. Though a lot of the process is still challenging and time-consuming, I am excited to embrace being in these overwhelming situations more in the coming days.

I hope to lessen avoidance of the present moment, deepen my relationships with things and beings that surround me, and tend to the tasks I often neglect. 

 

Thank you so much for reading my journal, I appreciate you so much and hope you've found this helpful ❤️

Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you to everyone who reads my journal entries! I'm so humbled that you're willing to give them your time.

 

Gaming

On 12/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I actually feel like I am studying

This was true! Only played once, but I took a good amount of notes while playing the game and honestly didn't play as much as I did observe.

Besides that, have been occasionally assisting my sister with progressing through her Terraria world. At this point, I believe so deeply in my ability to restrain myself that occasional gaming rings no bells. Glad to be here.
Recap of the weekS

On 12/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope to strike a better balance soon

Pretty much- I think that there is still some "urgent" things I am not attending, but at the end of each day I am feeling fullfilled. 

Being back with family has been fun- I am noticing so many ways in which I don't treat them the way I want to, and it's been frustrating and challenging and rewarding to work towards a better language. 

Have been reading every day for at least 30mins to 2hrs, and it feels so amazing to be learning so much every day. 

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 12/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Pochatok said:

tendencies to lose flow due to discomfort, or to take frustration as a sign of success

Feeling better here- with family home, it's difficult to have longer work sessions. Taking more breaks allows me to approach the tasks much more carefully. 

I am getting more goal-centered and efficient again, with every-day journaling. Past experiences have not been great, with me getting over-efficient and forgetting about goals/joy of the flow, but I know that I'm a different person now. 

 

Relationships

On 12/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel like this relationship does not meet what I desire

Continues to be the case. I am excited to talk about this with my counsellor, and afterwards have a conversation with my partner. I think that as things are now, the relationship just doesn't fit my needs for a long-term monogamous romantic relationship. I will take the effort to give this more time, however, and will make sure to communicate to my partner as soon as I feel like I've formulated a solid opinion that I can verbalize clearly.

Other than that, things with friends have slown down- none of them are obsessed with me lol, and neither am I. Despite the occasional chats, though, I am super excited to see them in-person soon, and know that they share some of that excitement too. Excited!

 

Moving Forward

On 12/16/2022 at 5:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope to lessen avoidance of the present moment, deepen my relationships with things and beings that surround me, and tend to the tasks I often neglect. 

I am much better at being in the present, and will take more mindfullness exercises into my routine once I am back on campus. Deepening relationships has been incredibly challenging, but I am making progress every day! 

It no longer feels like I am neglecting anything, but simply prioritizing. The most ambitious things I could be doing, I am doing! That brings me so much fullfillment I don't feel guilt for not tending to some other things. Though...

In the coming weeks, I hope to be better at tending to all of my tasks, not just the top priorities, to continue to build deeper and kinder relationships, and to feel more confident than I've ever felt in myself.

 

Thank you for reading ❤️ 
Po

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi! Thank you so much for stopping by, it means a lot to know that there are people who find value/meaning in my scribbles ❤️ 
I've been all over the place the last two weeks, trying to establish my Winter Term routines. It seems that I'm settling down.

 

This journal entry is a walkthrough of my thought process on Maximizing the Potential of Journaling. If you feel that journaling at GQ doesn't feel fullfilling/purposeful, this might be helpful to you 🙂 

 

Let's start with re-examining the structure of my journals: how can it serve my future self better?  

Who is my future self? (a concept from "Personality Isn't Permanent")

  • A wide-reaching, direct-impact professional in the fields of public speaking, writing, education, and research at work
  • One of the most visible time-sculpting (film/animation/music/sound mediums) artists in the world at home
  • Humblest, kindest, warmest, and most influential person they've ever been in public
  • A leader in communal artistic projects that bring together people, objects, and concepts that are traditionally kept apart

This is a narrow list, but it encompasses the key values I've been thinking about for ~ a month now. With this in mind, what is the purpose of the journal now?

  • Reflecting on the progression of time/mindsets across different areas of my life
    • I would like to continue to reflect in a similar fashion, but on a narrower scope
  • Setting targets and goals for a measurable future 
    • This doesn't work in this bi-weekly format, so I'll move this to my daily journal
  • Practice positive self-talk and objective interpretation of events
    • Keep this fully! A wonderful skill to learn

Let's brainstorm what else this journal could be!

  • Conduct conversations with my future self
  • Reframe obstacles into opportunities (concept from "The Obstacle Is the Way")
  • Reflect on areas of life that are key to approaching my future self
  • Examine my current systems and habits (based on concepts from "Atomic Habits") on how they (dis)empower me to approach my future self
  • Learn from critical mistakes that reduce correlation of the path from present to my future self

Sounds like a plan! How can I achieve these goals?

  • Ask my future self questions 3/6/12 months from the date of the entry at the end of each journal
  • Look into significant obstacles and treat them as happening for me, not to me
  • Change my current areas of life to: Direct Impact, Time Sculpting Artist, Relation to Self, Relation to Others, Communal Artistry
  • Looking into 2-3 habits/systems I take for granted and re-examining them from the perspective of future self
  • Examine critical mistakes from the week w/ objectivity and radical acceptance, then with future alternatives

So, the structure of my journal will look like this:

1. Significant Obstacles + Turning them into Opportunities
2. Critical Mistakes Objectified + Radical Acceptance + Future Alternatives
3. Life Reflection
4. Habit Re-Examination
5. Questions for Future Self

 

Alright, this sounds exciting! Will restart the journey on Thursday 🙂 

Po ❤️ 

 

 

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Hi! Hope you've been having a nice week, and that your weekend will have space for rest and reflection ❤️ 

Let's get started! So excited for this 😄 

 

1. Significant Obstacles

It's been difficult to find a balance between enjoying a more involved social life (8-10hrs/week of social activities), a more relaxed workday (8.5hrs sleep/day + no "work", only hobbies past 6PM), and strive for a "successful" life.

I feel like I learn more about myself through meeting new people than anything else, and making and keeping friends over the last two weeks has been great. And also, all of my hangouts either take up too much time directly, or plunge me into deep wonderings that eat even more time.
Question for next week: how can I hangout with people less while sustaining the positive mindsets my increased social activities helped me develop?

On the other hand, I am attempting to not exhaust myself like I have in the past, and put myself on brakes past 6PM. Yes, there is occasional projects to work on, but I allow myself to worry less about productivity. So far, it has been "working", but there are things I wish I could dedicate more time to, and am simply unable to. On one hand, I believe that this lifestyle will lead to higher long-term sustainability of my own- and others' -wellness, but I am unable to meet my ambitions.
Question for next week: What new information and experiences have I found to further complicate this issue?

Lastly, perhaps it is not the issue of hanging out too much or not working enough, but having too high ambitions. Many of my peers and professors tell me that I have too much on the plate. I tend to take this advace with one ear, since my Institution ain't Ivy League, and at home such joy for work is the norm. I don't feel like I am avoiding any responsibilities by having such ambition, and am actively trying to cultivate wellness and keep my ambitions at an uncomy but reachable height. But, it might be too high still.
Question for next week: Can being more effective/efficient make enough of a difference to compensate for lack of time sensed here? If not, what do we do?

1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities

First, I feel incredibly grateful for having such a varied and abudant social life, even if it seems to be putting the relations of different areas of my life out of balance. I am continuing to learn more about myself through others, and so much of what I'm experiencing right now is a "first time". It's okay to allot this more time than I am usually comfortable with, as this is a big challenge for me. This has been an enormous learning opportunity for defining what kind of social life I want, and what kind of relationships I need and value.

Second, I am grateful for attempting more work-life balancing acts. I am continuing to focus on my deepest, furthest dreams without dismantling my own wellbeing. It's amazing that I have the patience and confidence in myself to experiment and take risks. This has allowed me to learn more about how much work and rest feels right to me, and gave me space and time to pause to issues that I often buzz over in the midst of motion.

Finally, I am grateful for being able to follow my own heart's desires, and for believing that I can reach all of them. What I am aspiring to is on a completely separate plane from any of my classmates, and that is beautiful in many ways. I'm glad that I can listen to myself and continue to work towards things  I  believe to be important. I don't know whether having such deep ambitions will lead me to a place of happiness and fullfillment, but I am glad to have the strength to attempt something so difficult without much support or guidance.

 

2. Critical Mistakes Objectified

Don't have material for this yet! I don't remember my mistakes all that well because I tend to brush past them quickly. I will try to note some down for next journal entry...


3. Life Reflection

Direct Impact
I feel that I want to set up donations to a few additional places (5% of my monthly income) that I really value. Over the last two weeks, I've focused on contributing a bit more to the clubs which I am involved in at school (though I believe there needs to be more work done). Additionally, I have literally just now signed for a blood drive.

Time Sculpting Artist
I hope to contribute more here in the coming week. Over the last week, I've worked on a couple animations, but both of them have been sitting unfinished. Today, I worked on a painting, but that does not fit the "time sculpting" category. How could I make it fit..?

Relation to Self
I have been growing more compassionate to myself, giving more breaks and space whenever needed instead of "absolute emergencies". Listening to podcasts and reading every day has also been helpful. However, last weekend I struggled with feeling of loneliness and jealosy for a while, not fully acknowledging or sitting with them. 

Relation to Others
Reationship with my partner is the biggest red flag. All of my friendships are doing well- I am uncomfortable and disengaged at times, but try to be a better friend every day. Ultimately, I remember that cultivating my relationship with self leads to better relationships with others, not vice versa. 

Communal Artistry
Earlier today I have reached out to an artist on Instagram who I aspire to. I am also working on my Senior Recital, and we will have our first rehearsal this Sunday. At the moment, the recital and this possible collaboration are my two biggest goals. I hope to meet them 🙂 

 

4. Habit Re-Examination
Unfortunately, this journal has been taking too long. I will cut on this section short for this week- let's see if I can fit into 30mins next time.

5. Questions for Future Self
Reminder to self: send these questions to myself as emails, and also preserve them on my Notion account. At the 1st entry of every month, write them all down.

Three Months
Are you more sensetive to taking bathroom breaks instead of waiting till last second?

Six Months
Do you still have that little "Love Is..." wrapper after moving into the new living space (post a pic plz)?

Twelve Months
Who did you celebrate this New Year with? What felt good about the celebration?

3 Years
What has been the coolest Interactice Audio project you have worked on?

5 Years
What is the form of exercise your body seems to still be enjoying? 

10 Years
What is the most unexpected thing about being a parent?

 

That is it for this entry (took me over an hour, but so worth it!). Hope you've found something meaningful while scrolling through ❤️

Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi! Hope you'll get some rest this weekend 🙂 Let's dive into my life journey! Thank you for coming along ❤️ 

 

1. Significant Obstacles

On 1/19/2023 at 10:22 PM, Pochatok said:

Question for next week: how can I hangout with people less while sustaining the positive mindsets my increased social activities helped me develop?

Set up a "limit" of 2-3 hangouts per week. Feel slightly lonelier, but it has been allowing me to actually get work done, yay. I can spend more time with people by being more confident and outgoing at all of the events I attend (performances, work meetings, etc.). What will happen if I start to see all public spaces/events as opportunities for genuine connection?

On 1/19/2023 at 10:22 PM, Pochatok said:

Question for next week: What new information and experiences have I found to further complicate this issue?

The issue of ambition: I simply can do my best to be as motivated as possible to do the tasks quickly and efficiently, and prioritize my time well. Those two factors seem to be most important: want to get things done quick- set goals; want to get the right things done- know what matters most.

On 1/19/2023 at 10:22 PM, Pochatok said:

Question for next week: Can being more effective/efficient make enough of a difference to compensate for lack of time sensed here? If not, what do we do?

No, it is about prioritizing my time. There is never enough time for everything in my schedule. Right now, I want to keep all the things I have, but not all of them I can tend to as much as I want. Balancing the # of time I dedicate to each passion and really, really sticking to it helps. If I follow the schedule as closely as I can, I will make the progress I want. 

--

This week's obstacles are sleep, relationships, and planning.

Sleep: I've been getting only 7-8 instead of the 8.5hrs/night the whole week. It's been causing me to return to some unwanted stress coping mechanisms like picking my face, browsing social media, and a few others. Question for next week: what habits/systems have turned out to be most effective for encouraging going to bed early?

Relationships: My romantic relationship continues to be pretty draining, but I think that some of that drainage comes from my perception of things, not from what actually is going on. With other relationships, I am experiencing a lot of difficult feelings and thinkings: "why do they do __ with __ but not with me", or "I want to do __ with __, but also am too afraid/unconfident to take this risk", or "if __ is my friend, why are they not spending more time with me", or "why do I not have more people to share __ with". Eugh, felt good to get this out. Question for next weel: how can I feel more "enough" about my relationships? How can I confront my fears and uncertainties and do the things that feel right?

Planning: Every day, being so tightly planned out, starts to fall apart immediately when I no longer know what I am doing/when. It is pretty frustrating, as I need to stick to the schedule extremely closely. Is this necessary for becoming my future self? At the end of day, I feel fullfilled knowing how much I've done, but also feel sad about all the things I don't get done. Will I have time for them tomorrow? Maybe... Question for next week: Am I being considerate of my own wellbeing by having such rigorous and demanding schedule?

1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities

Sleep: I'm grateful to having experienced all of the things that I sacrificed bed time for. They help me learn myself more, and be more compassionate towards who I am, who I was, and who I will be.

Relationships: I've been learning to listen to myself whilst in discomfort, learning to understand what my needs and wants are, and find new perspectives on my own actions in social situations. I am so grateful for having the strength to keep challenging myself in uncomfortable ways.

Planning: I am grateful for the confidence I have in myself to meet such high demands. I understand that a lot is slipping through, and that this is an unsustainable system, and also I appreciate all of the things it has allowed me to learn and do this week.

2. Critical Mistakes Objectified Futurized!

I honestly just don't think about my mistakes that much still- perhaps this is the mistake of the week! I move on from moments of high stress pretty quickly, and perhaps because of that they don't sit in my mind. This is beneficial in terms of stress management, but can I trust myself to not repeat the same mistake twice? I want to keep a small list of "difficult moments", and add to it every day. 

I believe that I wanted to create this section to feel less guilty about my mistakes, but that work is best done in the moment. Instead, this will be an area of thinking of my mistakes from the perspective of my future self: how would they approach the situation differently?

3. Life Reflection

Direct Impact
Done with Blood Drive! Was certainly an experience that I will do again, however discomfortable I am with needles. Next up, I want to find a 3rd place I could donate $5/mo to (or increase my donation amount to something), and sign up for another 1-2hr volunteer opportunity within the local area.

Time Sculpting Artist
Finished an animation, working on a composition, and organizing another animation. I want to get more ambitious here, but carefully, since I don't have all that much time/week for this at the moment. I want to contribute 30mins/daily to animation in whatever capacity, and learn 30mins/day on an adjacent topic as well. Dreaming big requires some consistent doing  🙂 

Relation to Others
Relationship with my partner continues to be an area of uncertainty- we simply are not making enough time for each other 😕 And that means a lot of important conversations are pushed away. I'm frustrated, and will sit down with my partner tomorrow night to try working through the lack of time prioritization. Difficult feelings in other relationships continue to appear- and I am happy that's the case! I have so much to become comfortable with, so much to begin enjoying ❤️ 

Communal Artistry
I have reached out to someone for a collab, and now I want to follow-up (just did, yay)! And, I want to start posting my work in more communities (just did!). Making both of these more of a regular commitment is something I want to try next week...

 

4. Habit Re-Examination

Also running out of time. I think that setting more time for this in the coming weeks is the habit. 

 

5. Questions for Future Self

3 Months
What was the most unexpected thing that came out from publishing research?

Six Months
What is something you understand about your sexuality that I did not?

Twelve Months
How annoying is my youngest sister now that she's 3?

3 Years
How the heck did you make it this far?

5 Years
How has volunteering weekly made a difference in your life?

10 Years
What's a habit that I have that you still stick to?

 

Wohoo, all done! This is super fun, but also takes up too much time at once. I will break this up into two journal entries, 50/50, posting on Monday and Friday. 

Thank you so much for stopping by, I wish you a bright day ❤️

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