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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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Hope you find something useful in this journal entry. Thank you so much for reading ❤️ 

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Gaming

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I plan to play for 20 min on Fri and Sat. If urges are too strong to regulate that, I will uninstall the game again, wipe all progress, and block the download site.

Urges are more insiduous at this point... I've played over 45 minutes on both Fri and Sat, but it was certainly a rewarding experience. I will cap it from now on, as while I'm enjoying actually having a good time while gaming (and am learning a lot about myself, practicing my ability to focus and remain calm, etc.), I don't want it to be bigger than any other activities. At the moment, I game more than I do HW/hobbies. That's not something I like to write about myself.

 

Recap of the week

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I will try to create a different schedule over the weekend so that my most passionate doings get priority

Never happened..? This week started out with a lot of passion for animation, but then I had to subsidize that for homework and jobs as I started to drag behind the schedule... I will prioritize time tomorrow morning to work on this!

Other than that, the week has been pretty fine. I'm not making time management mistakes pretty much at all- it feels good to not be forgetting about important meetings. I am late to almost everything though... Mobilization in Russia is horrifying still, and the more I hear from my family and the internet about what is actually going on (rather than what the gov/news is saying), the more directly I feel impacted and connected to this catastrophe.

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

Practicing music has been more distracted than usual because of how relaxed I am.

A bit better, but this week overall has been dipping low in self esteem and ability to feel good about myself. Have been practicing self-care and self-love more intentionally, aiming to do things that actually are good for me rather than things that make me feel good. Uninstalling games is an act of self care. Going to bed early is an act of self care.
Hope to feel more motivated to do exciting and hard things next week. I am tired of doing small work; I want to feel as ambitious and grand as I did during the summer again.

 

Relationships

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

I've been pretty social, seeing people at lunch/dinner every day

Shifted around my patterns a bit: lunch/dinner is more so my own time, but I'm seeing lots of people throughout the week! Will hang out with 2 friends tomorrow, have texted my best friend, and hang out with two other friends Thursday dinner. It does feel like a lot, but also feels like a very exciting and unique set of experiences to me. 
Things with my partner are ok, we both schedule things very differently this year and my partner is frustrated that we don't get to spend much time together. We hope to make some changes in the coming week. I miss them.

 

Moving Forward

On 9/23/2022 at 2:50 PM, Pochatok said:

Perhaps, I can try to desire all these things a bit more, and, perhaps, my priorities will change with that.

I did a lot of visioning and journaling, and it sort of helped, but also did not. Something very important is missing, and I've been struggling to determine what it is for almost three weeks. I'm just not as motivated, and still am struggling to pick up those loose ends and get my research started. But, I have to acknowledge that this year is, just like any other, completely different from those before, and I'm dealing with new challenges.

I hope to be true to myself and not become frustrated with games again. I want to be an animator, composer, good lover, and many other things, and that requires time. 

--

Thank you so much for reading, I hope that you will get time to take care of yourself today ❤️

Po

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Hope you'll find something useful in this journal ❤️

--

Gaming

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

it was certainly a rewarding experience. I will cap it from now on

Nah, doesn't feel rewarding as much. I think that I don't mind gaming occasionally, but it has to be well thought-out and purposeful for me to actually want to come back to the experience. The game I play requires caution, patience, and good planning; if any of those are out of focus, I lose immediately. If I approach this correctly, this game would help me learn to prevent and anticipate mistakes better, but today's 25-min session was mostly frustrating. I am capping my "sessions" to 5 min, and only when I am alone in the room, and only past 8pm. 

Recap of the week

 

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

This week started out with a lot of passion for animation, but then I had to subsidize that

Coming back to this again! Trying to do a bit of animation and composition daily, but in order to succeed at either by the end of 2022, I will need to prioritize them unevenly. Sad, but I do want to see results, and soon. 

Other than that, I've been noticing that I am not as effective as I can be, and it partially has to do with a rather relaxed approach to personal deadlines (and academic work is light too, I have to acknowledge). I hope to join online communities that will help me get more ambitious and passionate. Also, I am greatly enjoying sports and music. Got a performance this weekend!

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I am tired of doing small work; I want to feel as ambitious and grand as I did during the summer again.

Takes time to rebuild this, but I'm trying to do a bit more every day. Every night and morning starts with reading. I have very solid routines. The core issue right now is my mindset to approaching certain tasks, as the anxiety of getting a job and building a career is getting more immediate day by day... But I will manage!

Ambition is slowly coming back, but now I know that inspiration and motivation come from doing, not dreaming. I will keep doing. 

 

Relationships

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

We hope to make some changes in the coming week

Some unexpected but very welcoming conversations took place with my partner yesterday, and I feel more secure, excited, and optimistic about our relationship than I've had in a few months. That feels great.

I am struggling to support financially both myself and my family, and that is saddening a bit, but I know that it is a temporary problem that I will be able to resolve. Most important thing is to be there for my family as a person, and I hope to call them tomorrow night 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

On 10/1/2022 at 10:03 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm just not as motivated, and still am struggling to pick up those loose ends

Continuing to improve, however slowly. I think that at the core, my motivation is still not as high as it could be, but I also am doing very difficult, challenging work. What makes following my passions difficult, I think, is that I am not obliged to work on them, and neither will I create a visible, immediate positive impact, and those are the things that motivate me to outperform myself otherwise. But, the more I will do what I love, the more passion and motivation will come.

It takes time, but I've done it in the past, and will do it again. 

--

Thank you for reading, fellow Quitter! Stay strong, and have a good rest of your day ❤️ 

Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Time for another recap! Today has been one of the slowest Saturdays in a long time, I think the colder weather and lack of sunlight are starting to take their toll...

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Gaming

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I am capping my "sessions" to 5 min, and only when I am alone in the room, and only past 8pm. 

Haven't been playing since. I think that will change now that I'm oficially committed to becoming a video game composer (hehe), but I still will cap this, along with any other entertainment. 

I still don't plan on ever playing online multiplayer, ever. It's designed to be addictive, and often toxic + stressful. I like to see games as an art form, and MMOs ain't it.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I do want to see results, and soon. 

Dropped animation. It is something I will most certainly come back to, but I do need a more secure and reliable way to make a living first. By the time I am 30, I hope to be doing animation, but until then, I will shift my energy elsewhere.

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

help me get more ambitious and passionate

Still here; overall, I am not wasting time per se, but I wish I had more drive. Yes, motivation comes from doing things, not vice versa, but I wish that I would have more desire to do things than to rest. 
Hmmm, this thought illuminates a harmful mindset. I am assuming that I am not doing my best, which is true, but I still believe to be my best self. The circumstances have changed (the weather is really tiring, and I have not gotten good sleep in last two days), but I am still putting in a lot of effort and passion. Some of it comes down to not following routines, which I can do better on by creating a better environment...

Overall, I think it has been a very good week, though a tiring one. I'm doing great in classes, and am restarting once again on my career journey. It seems that my desire for a future where I am perfectly happy with what I am doing is causing me to be inconsistent; I'll expand on this thought next week.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

Ambition is slowly coming back

This is still a mystery to me- I have figured out how to make motivation work in my favour, but ambition is difficult to conceptualize. I want to pin it down, as it does impact motivation.

Other than that, I've been more acutely aware of my tendency to be late due to drowning in the process of whatever the task is. Not happy with this, and will work toward kicking this habit out of my life. 

 

Relationships

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel more secure, excited, and optimistic about our relationship

This was great, yes ❤️ But, now we're stubmling onto a core difference that has been looming for a very long time, and it's not something that can be resolved with a few good conversations. I'm certainly overthinking the impact it has on the relationship (it doesn't, lol), but it might become a dealbreaker in the future, and that's what has been making me nervous. At this point, though, I've come to accept that. I am extremely grateful for everything my partner has brought to my life, and I won't treat this relationship like it's falling apart unless we're truly hitting rock bottom, which is not the case now nor does it have to be in the future. At this point in our lives, we very much get to shape our future, and I wan't to be hopeful, not nihilistic.

Family is doing okay. I am grateful for how hardworking and loving they are, though I also think that they're going to crash and burn sometime within the next year, and am nervous that I won't be able to support them through those times. They've been working too hard, too much, and they're also not getting younger lol. But again, I choose to be hopeful.

 

Moving Forward

On 10/7/2022 at 5:04 PM, Pochatok said:

. What makes following my passions difficult, I think, is that I am not obliged to work on them, and neither will I create a visible, immediate positive impact,

Still so true! Every day, I am doubting whether I am doing the right thing, because 1) I am not great at it yet and 2) the positive impact on others is literally not there, and I can never truly measure it the same way. But, I persist to work on my passions every day; my work will be purposeful and valuable, and I know that it has the capacity to change the world. And I will get there, step by step, day by day.

I also hope to not let my anxieties wallow me over as much- social anxieties have been kicking up, and it takes a lot of effort to put that fire out -_-

--

 

Hope you've found something insightful, helpful, or smile-worthy in this journal entry ❤️

Have a great day!
Po

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank to all who read my writing, I hope you have a brighter day 🙂

--

Gaming

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I think that will change now that I'm oficially committed to becoming a video game composer

Still treat games as a "rest" activity, though at this point they are pretty draining. It's still a fun and exciting activity,  but more similar to music or sports rather than watching a movie. Having a truly good time requires some effort, and sometimes that causes frustration. I'm very happy with how I'm feeling about games overall now though- they're not any more rewarding than reading or simply laying down. Something I've been aspiring to for a long time.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I wish that I would have more desire to do things than to rest. 

Getting there! It's all about doing things first, and then having the drive arrive. So, I've been doing a lot! Daily workouts, daily walks outside, daily podcasts, and so much more. But at the same time, laying out my future has been just as important and valuable- it's much easier to wake up feeling excited when I have things to look forward to. 

Otherwise, it's been a pretty tiring week. I am noticing more how I am academically and motivationally different from nearly all students. Some are chasing "A"s, others have strong passions, but few are pursuing things as vigorously as I am. This weekend hosted a record amount of parties, and I did not attend any. Just felt like doing work in my room instead, not watching a movie or relaxing in other way. I am a bit worried that this will bring social anxiety, but I am happy to be aligning my everyday routines with the people whose passion and efforts I admire.

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

It seems that my desire for a future where I am perfectly happy with what I am doing is causing me to be inconsistent

Ye. I'm too obsessed with preventing every little error, and doing everything in the best way possible. But future doesn't work like that. So, I've been focusing more on being in the present, taking time for myself now, rather than planning out things too far out. I want consistency, and so far this has been working better for me.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

ambition is difficult to conceptualize.

The more I am doing what I love, the more ambitious I get. It's a simple progression, it seems- improve my craft, share it, and get more and more opportunities. Ambition comes from opportunities that are brought to me, then... Though, I do want to make opportunities for myself, too. If I'm building a pyramid, the quality of the stone won't matter (i.e. my obsession with doing everything the best I can) if I am not stacking them properly. 

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

tendency to be late due to drowning in the process

Still a problem. I am literally late to something as I am writing this lol. *goes away for an hour*  But, I am definitely more self-conscious of the fact that this is an issue, and that already has made it a bit better.

Outside of that, I am attempting to get back to being much more focused in the present, but with a fresh new mindset. Before, I would try to achieve that through fairly restless work schedules, but now I simply want to be in the moment and have the ability to deal with things as they come and go.

 

Relationships

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

But, now we're stubmling onto a core difference that has been looming for a very long time,

Couple counselling session do wonders! The issue is still looming, but now both me and my partner acknowledge its importance and will be working towards addressing it. I am contuinuing to be getting more and more excited for this relationship's future as we go on. I have no idea if things will actually work out, but now I actually believe that we're doing something to up those odds.

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I also think that they're going to crash and burn

Nah, my family is doing pretty well! They are working a lot, but there is a lot of breaks and downtime that I wasn't seeing before. I am definitely anxious about my family more than optimistic, and tend to look at the difficulties, not the joys they are experiencing.

I am not seeing as many friends as I'd like, and that's been bugging me a bit. I think that for now, I'll take out video games of my daily activities, reserve them to 20 minutes over the weekend again. If I need to study from them, I'll do that via Youtube. Every time I'll have an urge to play, I'll text someone I appreciate instead 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

 

On 10/17/2022 at 9:12 AM, Pochatok said:

I persist to work on my passions every day

It made a difference! I feel much more confident in my choice to pursue composition. In the long run, I still want to explore other mediums, but for starting a career, this is the point I will journey onwards from. 

I hope to be able to resist my urges and bad habits better in the coming week- my tendency to scatch acne and face in general has been resurfacing, and I've been not following some of my routines due to impulsive behaviours. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading, and have a great rest of your day 🙂 

I appreciate you so much,
Po

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On 3/28/2021 at 6:27 AM, Pochatok said:

DAY 90!!!

Quick reflection:

Well, made it so far! Don't have much to say today; have been trying to be productive but also just not in the mood to be doing a lot of things. Although, I think I should still try to improve my productivity as much as possible. My time is priceless, like anyone else's, and I should use every bit of it in a way that benefits someone. Playing games, watching porn, browsing social media- none of those are beneficial to me or anyone I care about. I might have overcome videogame addiction, but there is still so much more work to be done for me to become the future I seek. 

Gonna go have a shower to celebrate lol, and then eat some chips. Kind of forgot today was day 90 tbh, since it was rather a busy time overall- I moved back to campus. 

Some good things from recent:

  • Bought a new phone for just $150, including the price of the SIM card, screen protector and phone case. Very happy with the purchase, fingers crossed it will last me more than 2 years lol. 
  • Played Root again before leaving- and I won, hehe 🙂 It was a very enjoyable game overall, although both my mom and sister are much more intellectually focused than I am. Excited to play it again on campus sometime.
  • Did a lot of construction work again, and got cuts and blisters all over my hands- although they hurt, I do enjoy having them as a reminder of the work I did lol
  • Got bubble tea and a tasty visit to an Chinese restaurant; visiting those every other month or so feels great- just enough time to forget how much I love the taste of those things. 
  • Have not watched porn for quite a bit. Weirdly enough, it is my dreams that have really altered my perception of it- I just woke up, feeling no urges to watch it whatsoever, and that feeling has persisted since.

That's all I have as of right now. Hope reading this was in some way beneficial to you!

Wish you strength and luck,

Po

 

Awesome dude! But don't rest on your laurels. 90 days is great, but relapsing is still an option, I suggest watching out for those "Just this once" excuses lurking around the corner and keeping the momentum going.

"Stay hard"
-David Goggins

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On 10/31/2022 at 2:04 AM, Yan said:

Awesome dude! But don't rest on your laurels. 90 days is great, but relapsing is still an option, I suggest watching out for those "Just this once" excuses lurking around the corner and keeping the momentum going.

"Stay hard"
-David Goggins

Thank you! I've passed those 90 days nearly a year ago and since have decided to work in video game composition, so playing video games is a part of my career. I don't view it as a relapse anymore, though, since I am no longer experiencing addictive patterns. I have a (what I consider to be) healthy relationship with gaming and am fully in control of how much time and when I allocate to video games.

Hope that you'll stay strong on your own path, and thank you for checking out my journal, I appreciate your time and opinion so much ❤️

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My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 

--

Gaming

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Still treat games as a "rest" activity

Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically.

 

Recap of the week

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I am a bit worried that this will bring social anxiety, but I am happy to be aligning my everyday routines with the people whose passion and efforts I admire.

Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. 

Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project.

Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I do want to make opportunities for myself

Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

I simply want to be in the moment and have the ability to deal with things as they come and go

Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

 

Relationships

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Couple counselling session do wonders

Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

Every time I'll have an urge to play, I'll text someone I appreciate instead 🙂 

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

 

Moving Forward

On 10/30/2022 at 3:31 PM, Pochatok said:

my tendency to scatch acne and face in general has been resurfacing

Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding.

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ 
Po

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23 hours ago, Pochatok said:

My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 

--

Gaming

Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically.

 

Recap of the week

Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. 

Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project.

Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

 

Relationships

Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

 

Moving Forward

Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding.

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. 

--

 

Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ 
Po

You have so many goals. I think that you, the same as myself lack focus and priority. We need to have a clear number 1 priority, Ideally in life and long term values, but for sure at least for the same day. Otherwise everything is just made half-way and nothing really gets completed.

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On 11/7/2022 at 10:53 AM, Pochatok said:

Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months.

This sounds good to me as I begin to have quite a lot of free time after leaving games and reducing my screen time. Will try! Thank you for the idea man!

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On 11/7/2022 at 9:41 PM, Yan said:

I think that you, the same as myself lack focus and priority.

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win.

I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. 

For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). 

I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

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On 11/9/2022 at 8:10 AM, LostRiver said:

This sounds good to me as I begin to have quite a lot of free time after leaving games and reducing my screen time. Will try! Thank you for the idea man!

Thank you! I'm glad you've found something helpful in my journal ❤️

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Thank you for reading my journal entry, I appreciate you being here so much!

---

Gaming

Nothing different! Haven't played at all this week due to how busy I've been, but hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks a bit in the coming days. 

 

Recap of the week

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

My social anxieties got worse

Hehe, had 4 hangouts this week and am feeling much better. There is so much I'm learning about being close friends with others, and while I have to work against some self-shaming whenever I make mistakes, it feels quite rewarding.

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up!

Still haven't worked as much as I'd like, though I've made a lot, a lot of progress horizontally. I will set this down as my goal for next week. 

Other than that, I've managed to mess up my sleep schedule the last two days, and it has such a tremendous effect. Simply going to bed 1hr later and/or sleeping for <1hr makes me so exhausted. Feeling sore, out of focus, sluggish. I'm not upset at myself as I both times I stayed up for reasons that felt valid in the moment, but I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule.

Another area is lacking goals for some of my creative work. At times I can just jump into the midst of it and do great, but often that gets me into very frustrating situations. I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession.

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day!

Did not happen due to sleep issues. I will make a goal of reading for 1hr before bedtime. This will be a tough one...

 

Relationships

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to.

Beginning to feel this, not just believe. My partner does care a lot, even if it doesn't seem so at times. I very much appreciate their efforts, and it brings me hope. 

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages".

Slowed down a bit. I will make this a daily activity (at 9:30PM) from now on. 

Other than that, I'm so happy to be a bit more social again. Hanging out with people, for some reason, decreases my drive for productivity; not sure how to deal with that, and whether it really bothers me. Next term, I want to try to have a more consistent social life w/out losing my workaholic-ness. 

 

Moving Forward

On 11/6/2022 at 9:53 PM, Pochatok said:

I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met

Next week, I want to go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams. I'm doing great work, but if I want to be recognized for it, I need to get louder. 

Edited by Pochatok
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15 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win.

I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. 

For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). 

I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

As long as you know your main goal as an artist, and take care to choose the best activities to support it, sounds great to me.

A sequence also sounds okay, but take note that very big goals sometimes take a lifetime to achieve. So you might have very few of those at a sequence.

For example, Arnold Schwarznegger has 4 of those (Immobility investor, Bodybuilding Champion, top selling actor, governor of California) and he is counted to be a superextraordinary person. Usually most people probably only accomplish one or two of those, otherwise he wouldn't be considered such a superman 😄

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/14/2022 at 5:53 AM, Yan said:

very big goals sometimes take a lifetime to achieve.

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! 

 

On 11/14/2022 at 5:53 AM, Yan said:

otherwise he wouldn't be considered such a superman

There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! 

 

There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

Now that I love to hear! Work ethic of Schwarzenegger? Give me some of that 😄  Well, work-ethic is most usually the thing that makes a person extraordinary...
Or at least the kind of extraordinary that I mean....

Because just being strong from birth, is not the kind of extraordinary I want to be, because I haven't earned it anyway. I want to be strong in the things that I can influence. And that is mostly work-ethic I guess...

You mean that he's not extraordinary from birth, but from work ethic with your message, right?

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4 hours ago, Yan said:

he's not extraordinary from birth, but from work ethic with your message

Yes! Or, I want to think that way. He spend the first two decades of his life in rural Austria, where nothing happened and he couldn't meet his ambitions. That's why he left to US. And for some time while he was in US, his life was not super fascinating either. But, he managed to develop a work ethic great enough to win the Bodybuilding Championship on the 1st try... I hope to get there!

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A long overdue entry. If you are reading this now- thank you for you time 🙂 I hope you find something to take away from my journey.

--

Gaming

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks

Will get to this tonight- I think that playing 10-20 minutes before my day is over feels good.

Since the break has started (I am all done with school yay), I've been certainly more tempted to play lots. Uninstalled all the games, and have made a commitment to not install anything "fun"; instead, I will do more experimental, challenging, non-relaxing, or simply puzzling games. They don't give the same chemical boost, and I don't feel addicted. 

Recap of the weekS

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

had 4 hangouts this week

Had a few more hangouts the following week that have been especially wonderful. I am so happy to be experiencing closer friendships. 

The academic term ended on a pretty good note. I do think that my motivation for doing well in classes has decreased, but I take that as a good sign- grades don't matter for my future much. What is an issue that I hope to address in the coming weeks, though, is that my motivation for long-term, important projects has not increased. 

     This week is the beginning of Winter Break. I am feeling pretty good so far, I did not experience any burnout/exhaustion that came in years prior. There was a seamless transition from academics to personal work; I feel as motivated to get out of bed, get stuff done, and dream big.
     What definitely helped this happen was lots of self-reflection ahead of time, where I outlined my goals for the break, the things I want and need to do, and much else. Since I know what and when I want to get done, I don't feel unmotivated. Also, keeping the same work schedule helps so much- I wake up, go to bed, eat, and take breaks at the same time as before the break. 

 

Effectiveness/Efficiency

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will set this down as my goal for next week. 

Do have a plan, but am not actively working towards executing it. It is definitely avoidance mindsets- I don't have that much time to work on larger tasks, but I am not dedicating any at the moment. 

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule.

Oops, forgot about this! I don't think I need it much though, the value of a consistent sleep schedule is so obvious to me now (I've done more research) that I have a very strong inclination to wake up early. 

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession.

Better on this, but a bit irregular. I don't quite keep this in my mind as a goal, rather just tend to do it because what I'm after requires planning. 

Otherwise, I am feeling more or less at the top of my game. There is obvious challenges to being at 100% all the time- a new environment, less sunlight, more solitude, less scheduled events. To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work. I am continuing to do more of it every day. Also, I need to read more if I want to keep up. Books give me so much motivation.

 

Relationships

Romantically, I am continuing to sway back and forth between hopeful and pessimistic. My partner is doing the bare minimum, but with a lot of hesitation. Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me, as I take lack of engagement from my partner as a sign that they won't do the work when life gets more stressful (and it always does!).

But at the same time, I know that they do care, very deeply, about this relationship and believe in wonders. Some of the issues do stem from how I am approaching this whole thing, too, but I feel like the way I feel is very fair and reasonable. I will do my best not to act on it thought.

Other things are going well. I am chatting with a lot more people online, and have scheduled a hangout already. Once my december course starts, I will be surrounded by friends 24/7. A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 

 

Moving Forward

On 11/13/2022 at 2:19 PM, Pochatok said:

go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams.

In some ways- I am doing more than I was a couple days ago, being much more present socially, picking up new projects... But the largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking. Will get to them in the coming days no matter what!

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On 3/29/2021 at 11:26 PM, Pochatok said:

Day 92

Quick Reflection on games:

Having minor urges due to school starting up again- I do not engage well with ZOOM university at times. However, that will all be sorted out soon. Can already feel the tons of HW piling on my head. Watching Mr Robot instead of playing videogames is definitely scratching that "relaxation time" itch I have after finishing every class. However, I should definitely time how much I am spending on activities like that. 

Some good things:

  • Like my new phone. Although, just discovered that I could have bought it for $5-30 cheaper, easily. Oh well, lessons learned- official websites always have higher prices. 
  • Liking my classes so far.
  • Learned to use "Notion" to some extent. I like it.
  • Have been on top of my schedule overall

Things I am nervous about:

  • Hearing back from an interview I just had
  • Hearing back from the 3 internships I applied for
  • Being socially active while also not panicking/overreacting lol
  • Finishing the week without getting behind on anything
  • Supporting my partner enough

Random thought:

I think that the higher my heartbeat is, the faster, less though-out my speaking is. I need to work on that; should be the other way around. Always push myself to speak at a comfortable rate, where I am concise and informative rather than pushing out unnecessary words just so my brain can catch up with the thought. Happened during today's interview, and I feel like it could hurt my chances quite a bit. How does your speech change when you are nervous/excited?

Po

 

Comment on the Random thought part:
I guess I wasn't nervous/excited for some time now.
I try to accept that the outcome is out of my control, and therefore, there is no reason to be too excited about it. At the same time I concentrate on just doing my best with what I know, and it calms me down, also realizing that the feeling of anxiousness will do no good and only make you act more irrationally.
The last time I remember being at a job interview though, which was more than 2 years ago, and I felt a bit excited/anxious, I tried to speak slower as you put it. I paid attention that If I don't know what to say, I keep silent. Instead of saying *uhm... like... eeeeehhh....* etc.
(Edit):Addition: I thought this comment was on the last page.... Oh well, guess it will do anyway 😄

Edited by Yan
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