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Ending the Loop


Pochatok
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Bold= specific changes to my life I want to see by next week ❤️

Day 281. An interesting week, some significant ups (but not without the downs)!

Recap of the week:

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

it's time to look for new opportunities, again.

Uhh, haven't been doing that yet, and am not sure whether I actually need to- it seems that my summer is packed up pretty well, and any additional opportunities are yet to be spotted... 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

Intramurals yesterday went pretty poorly

Even worse on Monday- I've learned another important concept, yet, and can't wait to see if it will make a difference at the game tonight!
--
I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer, and still am thinking of adding a few more! I would love to do some stuff locally, but so far I've not gotten around to doing that at all lol. Issues with porn have resurfaced for the second time in a single month- something that hasn't occured to me in quite some time. I'm taking some solid steps towards resolving that issue, and hope that by next journal entry I will be able to see some differences in my behaviours. I've completely stabilized my learning and exercising routines, and am living through my passions more than ever, which is exciting! As it turns out, I need very little to get the grades I want; they don't matter much anyways. 

Gaming

nothing new whatsoever. I hope to feel the same way about all my other bad habits soon.

Concentration

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

improving my efficiency is still a part of the overall process, but it's not causing me anxiety or stress

I think I'm mostly there- efficiency is still something to work on, but I'm structuring my day much more intuitevely. Overall, this leads to longer periods of passionate productivity, whereas  before I would force myself to be productive and get exhausted very quickly. However, there is a lot I want to talk about here, as a few things have been bugging me hard:
--
I've completely thrown away most structure to my day, only leaving important personal routines in the daily system (taking a break for email replies or practicing my instrument at the most convenient times). So far, this has been mostly advantegeous, but I need to impose much better structure on my days overall, and utilize the system I've built despite it being more flexible. Often, I am unsure of what to do at a certain time during the day- priorities are not set clearly as I am not mindful of the deadlines and interests. A couple more days like this and I will begin to lag academically (with bigger projects), forget about larger personal tasks (like transferring my funds to a different bank) or lose drive for certain activities (already happening, sadly). Let's do a larger evaluation:

  • I'm spending too much time in my room, which is not the most productive space- it is very isolative, encouraging some bad habits to resurface, etc. . From today, I will only be in my room when it requires certain resources like my PC. Lunch breaks will be taken outside of the room whenever possible; same for leisure activities. 
  • I'm no longer daily updating my to-do lists (or using them, either). From now, I'll fill out my schedule at 9PM daily, and will check in with it every morning right after journaling.
  • To stick better to my own schedule (I tend to skip some activities here and there) I will need to work on discipline, but in a non-toxic way. Meaning, there is no enforcement; I develop better discipline through deepining my passion and controlling unwanted behaviours through altering my mindsets and environments. 
    • This will, hopefully, come from me knowing the schedule, re-affirming and re-visiting my goals every day (until 3rd week of May- let's make it a habit), and practicing mindfullness more often (also has to do with where I am- I practice it a lot more outside of my room than within...) 

With all this, I'm looking forward to next week. Just have to make sure that certain habits are followed daily; the two big dips in my organization and usage of pornography come largely from inconsistencies in my routines. Not like everything is about routines, of course, but that is what develops habits, and I'm all about that heh. 

Relationships

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I've not been hanging out with that many folks

True to this week too, but it's not bothering me much. I know that I am loved, and people around me are not avoiding me or mean to me or etc. . Getting daily reaffirmations of my social life from others and simply interacting with folks here and there is nice. I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Passion

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I gotta write them out at least a couple times a week

Not super consistent here, but have been writing them a bit more often indeed. I'm pretty sure I can  make this a daily habit, but first I need to step up my morning concentration by doing some mindfullness/exercise every day after breakfast. 

On 4/22/2022 at 9:15 AM, Pochatok said:

I want to build an even more consistent schedule going forward

Done! Am extremely consistent with animation, but barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting, which do be important... I will resume my daily 20 minute sketching sessions starting, hm... I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions- that means, 4 days a week! Sounds pretty manageable 🙂 

 

Alright, a longer entry, but there is a lot I wanted to touch on. Here's to more self-reflection!

Have a good weekend, and keep moving forward ❤️
Po

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Day 298. I was 100% sure I posted here last week... must have either been a dream or network failure...

Like @BooksandTrees, I don't journal here as much anymore because I've found better places to share my thoughts and improve my wellness at. I will continue to post life updates here for all the folk who are going through their gaming addiction. I know that journals like this were extremely helpful when I was starting out, and I want to help others grow!

Recap of the week:

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I now have three confirmed "gigs" for the summer

Still rings true, but it's hard to say how they will turn out- 2/3 will be completed virtually for sure, and one of them isn't setting up as stable as I'd like it to... I'm feeling more nervous about my summer- I fear being overwhelmed with household stuff while at home. Since my older siblings will not be staying home a lot of responsibilities will fall on me. I do know, however, that I'm in a much better place than years before, and that already means a lot. No matter how much or little I will be involved, I know my goals better than ever and will work hard for them 🙂

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I need to impose much better structure on my days overall

Well... I've managed to built my schedule up but it is not as easy to follow it with how eventful spring has been for me. So many things going on! I do think that the change is very much needed, as I'm continuing to miss some small but important deadlines here and there, and that is quite frustrating as I like to be on top of my tasks. Already building back a lot of older habits that I've managed to let go off during Winter, such as adding to my to-do list the moment something comes up instead of leaving it for later, and using my calendar and daily schedule more actively. 

--

Overall, I've been doing okay. My motivation has plummeted last week completely, and it was fairly frustrating to be dragging behind both with academic and personal tasks. I'm back and doing far better, but that week has made me notice how many skills and methods I've managed to loose in the last month. I've also come to acknowledge the many difficulties this year has brought to me, and have come to appreciate more where I currently am. There are so many changes I've done over the last few months, and despite the difficulties in adjusting my entire lifestyle getting in the way of my efficiency and productivity, I'm doing what I'm passionate about, finally. 
I'm still not very happy, but a lot of it has to do with how I look at my own life rather than actual external stressors. I tend to overwork myself, and look back at "yesterday" negatively. I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life. Amen to this not being true when I journal here next.

Gaming

Been having some urges to play as it's a bit odd to be pursuing audio work in gaming so dilligently while not actually playing any... or is it? I still feel like the two don't have to correlate at all. I'm extremely passionate about sound design, and it has nothing to do with how many hours a day I play games. It's kind of like being a professional athlete and not watching sports- the two correlate but are not mutually dependent?..

Concentration

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

inconsistencies in my routines.

Have been mostly resolved. I have done lots of changes again this week, and I'm feeling super happy about them. I have started to spend much less time working in my room, and have redone my self-evaluation process in a way that is much more conductive to growth. I've integrated my goals into my schedule, and resumed using my planners and calendars. There is a lot of work to do still on being efficient with some tasks, but even there I'm feeling much better than usual. 
Many of my previous routines worked extremely well, but despite their comfortability what I was doing accomplished little for myself personally. It looked great from a sideview- grades, projects, employment, and all that jazz. But, I was not living my passion. Now, even though my routines are not in equally stable position, I'm closer to living the life I want to, and that means much more. I'll learn to concentrate and be productive soon 🙂

Relationships

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I feel much better about who I am socially than ever before in my life.

Maybe not so much now, but I'm still feeling fine. A lot of my anxieties have been resolved, and I feel like I can be much more open around others. Saw my family last week, which was totally awesome, but not have spent much time with others. Recently had a major argument with my partner, but it turned into a very fullfilling and meaningful conversation. Do hope to hang out with more folks soon, but also feel like I don't have precise social goals and don't need many interactions to feel fullfilled, so far.

Passion

Living it. Every day I've been making something, with no breaks. I can be more productive and learn faster for sure, but simply getting into the habit of living my passion daily is a huge leap forwards. Not only am I doing, but also truly enjoying what I do- also a big first. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

barely dedicating any time at all for practicing drawing/painting

haha! I have been doing those daily for the last few days. Hope to continue to balance my time well between animation and stills. 

On 4/28/2022 at 3:41 PM, Pochatok said:

I will practice this right after my instrument practice sessions

Nope, this has not been happening... I don't prioritize my instrument much anymore, or at least allow myself to move when I practice around the day. I think that this is not a great choice, but on certain days like weekends my schedule is too varied and inconsistent. As long as I manage to do both on certain days, I will feel good.

 

This is it for now; in two weeks I will do another review of my self-assesment tracking- excited for that!

Hope that reading this has been helpful to you, and thank you so much for taking your time here 🙂

Po

Edited by Pochatok
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Posted (edited)

Day 303. I'm not thinking of these as milestones anymore, but it's exciting to be beating my previous score so easily. If I continue to develop my passions at this pace, I will never look back at video games the same way. The amount of internal progress I've made over the last couple of weeks is unbelievable- I'm not super happy because it's a very different, new kind of pleasure and satisfaction, but I'm feeling extremely accomplished and grateful. 

--

Actually, Day 0... and I won't keep a counter anymore. I've just played an incredible visual novel that taught me so much new in just ten minutes. I don't feel like playing more for today, but it felt very much like reading a good book. From now on, I will very carefully re-introduce gaming to my life. There will be a number of rules:1

1. No more than 20 minutes a day, and no more than 10 minutes without a break. No more than 2hrs/week. 
2. Games must be either a) non-addictive [no AAA titles for certain] or b) no more than 30 hours to complete. This way, I will move through games at a rate of 1 game per 2-3 months. 
3. Reflect on every gaming experience in a journal right after playing. This will allow me to use games to grow artistically and professionally rather than be simply for entertainment purposes. 
4. Only play between 9-9:30PM. Failing to follow this rule= 2-week detox. 


I will think of more rules as I go on, but for now this sounds good. 
 

Recap of the week:

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I'm feeling more nervous about my summer

And, somehow I've turned everything upside down again! Realizing that I don't need to have my summer be completely packed up with events to make good lemonade out of lemons was helpful. It's my summer, after all, and I can work towards my goals on my own just like I am now. 
But also, I got all my gigs confirmed and a couple more so that's great 🙂 

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

I lack gratitude and appreciation of my accomplishments, and look to deeply into all the uncertainties and complications of my life

Feeling better. I've been focusing on enjoying what I'm doing as much as keeping the final product in mind. There is more balancing to do, but I'm much more positive about my workflow. I've been noticing more lately how hard I'm actually working. It's never enough for me, of course, but I waste barely any time at all. Every activity is purposeful and thought-out, and I love it.
--
Lots of stressful things happened this week, but none of them override my ability to breathe deeply and be greateful for my life. I hope that next week will be less hurtful, but I'm still happy with where I am. Anxiety has been getting more under control as I am able to practice stress-reducing routines better. 

Gaming

Well, let's talk about today's experience more. The game I played was "Butterfly Soup", and I wanted to approach it specifically in order to learn more about experiences of Queer Asian Americans. Even in the 1st ten minutes, there were so many new things for me to experience. My mindsets and beliefs are already being challenged, and I love that. There was certainly some nostalgic tingling across my body, but I did not experience any sort of flashbacks that made me feel insecure or that the past was impending on me... Overall, it was a short and relaxing experience- the kind of I want to have moving forward. Perhaps, more active self-reflection and patience; despite this being a visual novel, I lost myself in it here and there.

Effectiveness [formerly Concentration]

Enjoying a comeback of my previous sustainable routines. I still want to balance things out a bit more- I wish I'd spend more time reading and writing... There are also some habits still unstable- I am not using my calendar and daily schedules... daily. It would be helpful to make goals for effectiveness and organization too- they're quite important. Keeping all my tasklists in my head is not a great strategy, and neither is looking at them only once a day.

Relationships

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

A lot of my anxieties have been resolved

After some therapy earlier this week, I'm feeling even better. Confirmed a couple hangouts in the coming weeks, and have been seeing people here and there. Interactions with my partner have been extremely meaningful too. 

Passion

On 5/14/2022 at 4:09 PM, Pochatok said:

Every day I've been making something

100% true. Last week, however, I was not enjoying the process- composing was especially out of hand, as I struggled to not experience great deal of anxiety everytime I'd open the software up. Been enjoying the process more by shifting my focus from getting to the final product ASAP to focusing on enjoying the process first and then picking up the tempo. Good experiences must come from a positive foundation, imo.
I've been much more consistent with everything, even practicing my instrument. I can't believe I wrote that entry only a few days ago... maybe I'm imagining all this progress lol.

 

That's all! Thank you for reading, and good luck on your own journey!

Love,

Po

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all those who read my journal! I'm doing okay!!! It's the end of the year and things are crazy busy for me, but I hope to post a larger update soon and hope that you're doing ok! Wherever you are, I wish you a stressless weekend 🙂

Po

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This post will be valuable to you if...

  • you are using (or want to) a personal tracker system of some sort!

Finished my finals!

Now that my daily life will be quite a bit different, I think that I'll use this journal as a way of "weekly summary" of my daily tracker- this way I will be able to reflect fully on my goals and set clear next steps.

1st, let's re-organize my daily evaluation to make sure it clearly fits my personal and professional goals:

  • Active Motion
    • Current Tracker: Points for quantity + Quality 
      • Issues: Qality is undefined, and Quantity is too broad
    • New Tracker:
      • .1 per each non-dedicated exercise (as in, running to class, doing some stretches in my room, etc)
      • .2 per >15 min workout
      • .5 per >25 min workout
      • + .2 if the exercise aligns with my Body Reconnection goals
  • Separation of Work and Rest   
    • Current Tracker: subtract points for any distraction while working
      • Issues: there is so much more to this, and the goal isn't so much separation rather than efficient focus!
    • New Tracker: Focus Efficiency 
      • .1 for using a Time Tracker once (for work + break separator)
      • .5 for using a Time Tracker for 3+ hours in a day
      • -.5 for eating outside of set hours
      • -.1 per distraction during a work period (checking socials, browsing YouTube, etc.)
  • Prioritizing Relationships    
    • Current Tracker: subtract points for any unresponded messages and avoidance of "social opportunities"
      • Issues: too vague and broad; my social goals are much more than this!
      • Proposition: I want to be more consistent in my social interactions- do something every day, remember my friends and family, and be in the present moment
    • New Tracker: Social Engagement Quality 
      • 1 for every 3 random message of kindness (RMK) 
      • -.5 for sending < 3 or > 6 RMK/week
      • .5 for scheduling 1-2 hangouts
      • 1 for attending a hangout
      • .5 for sending a letter (either virtual/physical, as long as it is lengthy and hearty)
      • -.1 for non-filtering speech during a hangout
      • -.1 for not expressing what I am feeling (especially if anxious!)
      • -.5 for not responding to friends' messages within 24hrs
      • -.5 for attending over 5 hours of social activities outside of eating hours 
  • Balance of Work/Rest
    • Current Tracker: Subtract points for imbalance
      • Issues: Non-definitive;
      • Proposition: The goal is to not overwork myself, but also to only rest as much as needed instead of being stagnant
    • New Tracker:  Unneeded, I will cover this issue by performing well on the other trackers!
  • Proactivity    
    • Current Tracker: subtract points for being inactive
      • Issues: too vague
      • Proposition: I want to track how much my addictive habits affect my life (as they are literally the only time in the day when I act un-proactively)
    • New Tracker: Unwanted Habits
      • -x for instances of unwanted habit if total instances >2 (x defined by habit type)
      • 1 for a day with ❤️ bad habit occurences!
  • Full Resting    
    • Current Tracker: subtract points for not doing full resting (mindful activities) daily
      • Issues: Too vague, and a bit too harsh
      • Proposition: measure a variety of full resting activities, and subtract points for improper resting rather than lack of full resting
    • New Tracker:
      • -.5 for not doing any mindfullness activities daily
      • -.5 for going on social media outside of scheduled breaks
      • .5 for exercising doing breaks
      • .5 for completing at least one mindfullness session
  • Sleep    
    • Current Tracker: subtract/add points based on sleep quantity 
      • Issues: There is more to sleep than quantity!
    • New Tracker:
      • .5 for not using screen .5 hours before bedtime
      • 1 for not using screen 1 hour before bedtime
      • .5 for sleeping 8-9hrs
      • -.5 for taking >.5hrs to fall asleep
      • -.5 for waking up >1.5 hrs away from usual time
      • -.5 for sleeping <8 or >9 hrs
  • Stress Management    
    • Current Tracker: subtract time for "unmanaged stress" 
      • Issues: Stress Management includes not only addressing stress in a timely manner, but completing daily exercises to prevent build-up of stress
    • New Tracker:
      • .5 per journaling on Fortify 
      • .5 for journaling on paper
      • 1 for journaling on GQ 
      • -.5 for not journaling at all
      • -.5 for not journaling on GQ per 10 days
  • Continuous Learning
    • Current Tracker: points subtracted for not learning new things every day 
      • Issues: vague- what do I want to learn, and how do I measure whether it is enough learning?
    • New Tracker: 
      • .5 for spending .25-.5hrs on my reading list 
        • .5 for completing a reflection!
      • .5 for using a tutorial of sort to advance my personal learning goals AND applying it
        • 1 for doing above for >1 hr
      • -.5 for not learning anything new 
  • Task Prioritization
    • Current Tracker: points subtracted for lack of prioritization or lack of following priorities
      • Issues: Prioritization is complex and I want to break it down into more specific steps so that it's not all-or-nothing
    • New Tracker:
      • .1 for using Notion once during the day
        • -.5 for not using Notion at all
      • .5 for relying on Notion for majority of daily tasks
      • .5 for updating Notion at end of the day
        • -.5 for not doing that

Whew, this is it! Again, this is mostly for myself, but I hope that you'll be able to find some value if you're using some sort of tracker too!

Po

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Ended up completely redoing my daily tracker even more! This turned out to be far too time-consuming, so I changed it to simple Check-Box system. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some Updates 🙂

As always, this is simply a place for me to share some updates that you might find useful/inspiring/motivational.

Gaming

While I am not experiencing any unwanted urges, the issue comes in the form of not playing enough... Given that I want to be making sound/composition for video games, I most certainly should study more source material, so to say. I hope to find a healthy balance as I'm going into the weekend. 

Recap of the week:

Been a fine week so far. If counting from last Thursday, I had a restful time at my family's house, and then began my summer jobs... Those have been keeping me crazy busy (and I managed to get sick for a day), but I'm starting to find a rhythm in all the chaos. Yesterday I was able to finally catch up with art, and the weekend will fit in 6 hours worth of Sound Design and Composition training, wohoo! Excited to begin learning C++, too. 

How am I feeling right now:

   Not too great- I spent 20 minutes browsing through gameplay videos, which quickly made me feel sad. I thought that it would be a nice way to get back into playing video games responsibly, but they're unneded- I get an overview of the game super quickly just through browsing a couple reviews. Gameplay vids are addictive for me, and I'll stay away from them from now on.
    I am also not feeling a bit melancholic due to having so much work to complete before I am able to get into things I am passionate about. Hmm, it's almost that watching gameplay videos was a poor coping behaviour to deal with that feeling. Well, the sooner I get the work off the table, the more I will immerse myself into passions, yay!

Effectiveness 

Been staying very focused overall, but can do better with noticing when I'm stressed and taking breaks to resolve that stress. There is quite a bit of frustration at the moment from pushing through stress instead of feeling it through. Best solution so far has been staying hydrated, exteriorizing my feelings/emotions (i.e. laughing, growling, talking to myself) and keeping a timer going. Will try to make those as consistent of a habit as possible in the coming days. 

Relationships

Been doing alright with my partner, since we are long distance- there is some trust issues coming from them, unfortunately. I have very few friends, but all of them are super close, and that closeness crosses boundaries that my partner is comfortable with at times. We have settled on simply me respecting the boundaries, but also a re-visiting of the boundaries in the future. I like being close to my friends, but understand and validate my partner's negative past experiences with trust.\

Moving Forward

I hope to be more positive about my day- I am feeling a bit of melancholy throughout the day nearly non-stop, or so it seems. The breaks I take are long, my effectiveness isn't at the peak because of that. But that's okay, and I'm being patient. I'm very grateful for all the things I currently have in my life, and the struggles I am facing are being actively addressed. 

 

Cheers,

Po

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Hold on, you can't be close to your friends because your long distance partner doesn't trust you ?

That doesn't sound fair.

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On 6/23/2022 at 2:30 PM, Martinof said:

Hold on, you can't be close to your friends because your long distance partner doesn't trust you ?

That doesn't sound fair.

Without going into too much detail, it's not that I'm close, but how I experience that closeness with my friends- I very much enjoy physical contact (hugging, leaning against each other, and I love holding hands with others). While I only see my friends as friends, my partner has some reasonable worries I think. With us being (temporarily) long distance, I think it's hard for my partner to feel secure, and for me to validate them. 

We did settle on talking more about this once we're together again, but until then I just settled for respecting the boundaries, which is limited physical contact with friends who are single.

Idk, how do you see this?

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Ok, I didn't know you were touchy-feely, I understand your partner can be disturbed by this. 

As long as you can see your friends as often as before.

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On 6/25/2022 at 6:24 AM, Martinof said:

Ok, I didn't know you were touchy-feely, I understand your partner can be disturbed by this. 

As long as you can see your friends as often as before.

Glad we're on the same page, and I totally agree with you 🙂 Thanks for coming by and giving your opinion, I appreciate it a lot!

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Some news!

As always, this is simply a place for me to share some updates that you might find useful/inspiring/motivational.

Gaming

I am indeed continuing to have not enough time to play any games, but that is primarily due to the fact that there are so many other things I'm feeling passionate about- learning coding, reading, watching amazing animation, etc. . It is hard to prioritize video games any more than I do now, and I sort of understand why, but am continuing to look for more opportunities to change this situation.

Recap of the week:

A great week! I've been ridiculously productive, but still want to make strides forward with improving my efficiency. I have a tendency of immersing myself to the point of inversion, focusing so intensely that it becomes stressful and exhausting. I've applied for a huge scholarship, designed a website, did well at work, had an interview (didn't do too hot, but fingers crossed), hang out with many friends, attended a few rallies, and made strides forward in both visual and aural creative fields. There is a lot to improve in terms of prioritization, but I'm feeling good and will do everything to prevent and mitigate str

How am I feeling right now

Okay- being at home is both recharging and taxing, but I'm glad to spend the holiday weekend with my family members. It's hard to not let my mind wonder around a lot when I'm home, but I feel better than during the previous visit. Each time I am home, I learn so much about myself.

Effectiveness 

Doing a bit better with pushing stress to the exterior instead of accumulating it within, but still not where I want to be. I hope to be able to take breaks as soon as I need them, not when they become necessary. Feeling exhausted is not enjoyable, but I understand that there is a long history of unsustainable practices that will take time to unpack. Keeping my expectations realistic will help with smoothly cutting through the difficulties. 

Relationships

Been doing very well with both friends and my partner- it's nice to be seeing people so often; something I could not imagine doing before... Last year, I only saw three people during the entirety of summer. I'm in a good place, and want to keep learning more!

Moving Forward

I am very grateful for everything in my life- both things I understand and am puzzled by, what I enjoy and avoid, and what gets me out of bed and puts me into slumber. I hope to remain in the present moment as much as possible for the remainer of the day.

Cheers,

Po

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