hemonkey's Journal

[hemonkey]

Day 55! today can be divided by 11 and 5. ~61% through, I have a D- on my detox so far.

Just watched the inauguration and wish the new presidential cabinet good luck.

Doing great so far. Haven't watched a single gaming video for a month. Not very productive, bad time management.

[hemonkey]

Day 56.

Doing great so far. I completed all my school assignments but that one group mate pissed me off. Last night we were working on a project and she told me she cannot do the project because she did not listen in class and has other homework to do. Welp, I will hope for the best of my project then. Hope it gets an A.

[hemonkey]

Day 58.

I can't take it anymore. I have too many urges. AHHH. So many cravings. Too many cravings. I can't take it any longer.

Day 58 is a great achievement but I am on the verge of collapse. I feel like a mountain balanced on an invincible chopstick, ready to topple over any second now.

A lot of difficulties these days. One reason might be that my classmates and friends are acting like temptations to me right now. I just want to play for 20 minutes, but no. That would end my journey but start my suffering. I just can't help it, I need help.

 

[BooksandTrees]

Stay strong. Urges go away like a wave in the ocean. Handle one at a time because not every day is stormy with waves. 

[hemonkey]

Day 59. You probably read yesterdays journal entry. I was on the edge of no return, the moment when I will relapse and 60 days will go down the drain.

It was a dark and rainy night. Shadows crept toward my computer as I remained quietly on my chair. The cold atmosphere chilled my spine as my frosty hand stroked the top of my mouse. The cursor starts to move. I can feel the temptation, the anxiety that has troubled me for 50 full days.

The steady ambience of raindrops struck the ground outside. It was cool and peaceful outside but something sinister was stirring in the depths, behind the windows. I clicked on my installer, the installer that I never removed. It felt like it was beckoning me to cordially welcome it in to my fragile mind.

Minutes passed as the game installed itself. I could hear my heart beating.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

This was a mistake, I knew this was going to happen but it was preventable. If I had used my intelligence to judge my choices, I would have prohibited my foolish actions. Uncontrollable dopamine surged through my body as the game flashed on my face. It was addictive, and deadly.

I had to do something. Minutes turned into an hour as I sat there, possessed by my own subconscious. "I need to stop this chaos," I thought to myself. My mouse clicked the red "X" on the top of my running application. The game was over, but this was just the beginning of something more dreadful.

[Pochatok]

41 minutes ago, hemonkey said:

Day 59. You probably read yesterdays journal entry. I was on the edge of no return, the moment when I will relapse and 60 days will go down the drain.

It was a dark and rainy night. Shadows crept toward my computer as I remained quietly on my chair. The cold atmosphere chilled my spine as my frosty hand stroked the top of my mouse. The cursor starts to move. I can feel the temptation, the anxiety that has troubled me for 50 full days.

The steady ambience of raindrops struck the ground outside. It was cool and peaceful outside but something sinister was stirring in the depths, behind the windows. I clicked on my installer, the installer that I never removed. It felt like it was beckoning me to cordially welcome it in to my fragile mind.

Minutes passed as the game installed itself. I could hear my heart beating.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

This was a mistake, I knew this was going to happen but it was preventable. If I had used my intelligence to judge my choices, I would have prohibited my foolish actions. Uncontrollable dopamine surged through my body as the game flashed on my face. It was addictive, and deadly.

I had to do something. Minutes turned into an hour as I sat there, possessed by my own subconscious. "I need to stop this chaos," I thought to myself. My mouse clicked the red "X" on the top of my running application. The game was over, but this was just the beginning of something more dreadful.

I'm sorry to hear that you have relapsed! It's okay though, don't be so hard on yourself. Keep learning about how to deal with situations like this better, and don't stop trying! Your journey doesn't end here, you are just taking a much-needed break so you can keep walking much, much further 🙂

Btw, this was amazingly written. I tutor in writing, and this was very pleasing to my eyes! 

Hope tomorrow will be a better day!

Po

[hemonkey]

Day... 61! A memorable day for it marks my 2 month journey into my detox.

Sleep deprived today, I think because of a growth spurt but that's alright. I flunked my test because I didn't drink coffee before to combat my sleep deprivation.

 

[hemonkey]

Day 62.

I have decided, my gamer friend is an asshole and I am leaving him for good. He is only cares about his game and has no empathy. Bad influence on me, I am leaving him for now.

One thing I did today was continue my film and start constructing a cardboard house. The trigonometry is bugging me though, I just figured out my calculation for the roof was a little off and now I have to redo the whole roof. 😞

[hemonkey]

Day 63

About 5 days ago my detox score reset due to me playing for an hour of Minecraft. Days without games: 5.

My stocks are growing but some bad luck these days. All of my stocks except for NIO and MRNA have negative returns. One of them is 1000 dollars lower than my initial price. Hope some good luck comes!

 

[hemonkey]

Day 68

Hey guys... I relapsed. That's why I am back on day 10 of my record. This was painful for me but I got to move on.

Some achievements: made clothing for my monkey toy, reading(tried to read and somehow did it).

[hemonkey]

Day 71

No games in a row: 13

No game streaming: a month or so now

I took drawing classes yesterday. Learned about shading and drawing still life. Still not very familiar with the new techniques I am learning because I used to draw with less shading.

Also I practiced piano because I am preparing for a piano exam in April. I am trying to manage my time now but it is still challenging.

[hemonkey]

Day 74

No games score: 16

I don't even keep track of my detox because time flies by so fast and I rarely care about gaming anymore. I have a test this week so I hope I can sleep well unlike last time. Even if I don't sleep well I hope I can remember to drink coffee.

Before tests I don't really study but I don't get bad scores(bad scores are below 95).

I also plan to take my classes outside to protect my eyes.

[hemonkey]

Day 75, No games:17

I never blocked my gamer friend after last time he threatened to kill me. He decided to message me again and I found out he is jealous of my intelligence. I think it is because I keep sharing my stories about life and maybe somehow I have offended him.

I decided to distance myself from this madman and abandon this angry teen for good. 

[hemonkey]

Day 78. Relapsed a little so starting over! No games: 1

Hey everyone! I have been a very busy bee the past few days working on time management and studying for my math test(mostly studying how to sleep well before the test).

I got a 99% on the test which I do not know how(there are only 25 questions). I drank half coffee and half milk for breakfast helping me stay alert and the past night took melatonin and did an exercise.

I also took about an hour or so each day to practice piano for the exam coming in April. I took still life drawing classes yesterday to improve my technique.

Overall, this has been a busy week and I will plan more exciting tasks in the future!

[hemonkey]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I relapsed.

I was celebrating Chinese New Year when I decided to take a break off my detox. I played for 2 hours today and felt bad. My wrist and hand hurt.

I quickly deleted my game but I think this might just be the beginning of a more bigger relapse.

[Jason70]

On 2/13/2021 at 7:30 PM, hemonkey said:

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I relapsed.

I was celebrating Chinese New Year when I decided to take a break off my detox. I played for 2 hours today and felt bad. My wrist and hand hurt.

I quickly deleted my game but I think this might just be the beginning of a more bigger relapse.

 

Hey Hemonkey

 

I'm sorry to hear that you relapsed, but I want you to know that while relapsing sucks, to never give up, you will get there. It's as I say, take it one day at a time. Haven't read through all your journal yet but if you have defined your 'why' on playing and quitting games, re write them, not only to have a refresher on why you've come to this community and if you ever feel like you're about to relapse its good to look at to remind you why you started. 
 

I wish you luck man, remember relapsing is okay, its part of the process, don't be too hard on yourself. And very good luck to you

Best 

Jason

[hemonkey]

Day 84

No games streak: 4 days 🙂

Relapse has been pretty devastating for me right now and I'm also trying my best to control my temper on a lot of daily issues. Today my computer was not acting cool and got kicked out of zoom class every few minutes. I was so angry and almost broke my keyboard but I took some deep breaths to channel it out.

 

[hemonkey]

Day 89

No games: 9 days

I have been playing with fire literally and cooking with a soda can. It was fun because my furnace made out of a soda can cooked my walnuts thoroughly and luckily the soda can didn't melt. The food however I tasted was not good, it was covered with black and disgusting cracks.

I also worked on time management and is doing pretty well so far.

[hemonkey]

Day 95

No games: I don't know for sure because I think I relapsed

Big news: My birthday is coming and I'm turning 13. I will use social media now but is somewhat concerned about social media addiction.

I did not write here because of many things: working on time management, piano, and detox relapse.

[hemonkey]

Day 96

I know I am too old for this but... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!

not gonna do anything though but just eating in my house with a few family members due to COVID.

Yesterday I finally made a time list so I can show that I matured after one year.

[hemonkey]

Day 97

Today's my birthday!!!!! LETS GO!!! Not going to write anything much here today because I'm taking a break.

[Jason70]

Happy birthday! I hope today was filled with joy for you! 

Best 

Jason

[hemonkey]

Day 98

Alright so yesterday was great. I had my mom's homemade cheesecake and enjoyed this birthday celebration even though in quarantine. I zoomed my friend and relapsed so back to day 1.

 

[hemonkey]

Day 99

No games: 1

Relapsed again, will learn from it. Some food for thought: I learned that 2/3 of our lives are spent sleeping and wasting time. For example doing homework without a strict deadline will result in wasted time. Before setting up my priority list, I spend 1 hour on homework when I can finish it in ten minutes.

So conclusion? God gave us a lot of time. We think our lives are short because we wasted most of it.

Hope you all are doing well,

hemonkey

Edited March 5, 2021 by hemonkey

[notKosmic]

8 hours ago, hemonkey said:

Day 99

No games: 1

Relapsed again, will learn from it. Some food for thought: I learned that 2/3 of our lives are spent sleeping and wasting time. For example doing homework without a strict deadline will result in wasted time. Before setting up my priority list, I spend 1 hour on homework when I can finish it in ten minutes.

So conclusion? God gave us a lot of time. We think our lives are short because we wasted most of it.

Hope you all are doing well,

hemonkey

Reminds me of a message by John Piper that I listened to called Don't waste your life. God thoughts