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Helen's diary.


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Hi. I I feel pretty crappy and missing my hits and numb zones. I feel awful BUT I also feel kind of proud I am having a go at this. 🙂

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Today is day 7. I am failing with my journal entries and have lost a week's entries somewhere but it is OK because I have 7 days! 

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On 6/1/2020 at 3:10 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Please dont start multille threads. Write all your entries in where you posted your first entry.

thank you for letting me know. I appreciate that. I hope I have it right now. Let me know if I haven't. I am here to succeed. 

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Hi Helen, I wish you best of luck in your journey. This might be tough and you might fail a couple of times, but if you keep to your decision and you know you are ultimately doing what is better for you, you will make it.

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Day 8. My brain keeps telling me stuff like “you weren’t that bad” and “just a few mins won’t hurt” and “you are making a bigger deal” and “why are you denying yourself” but I have come too far. I don’t like what is back there. I am keeping going. ❤️

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17 hours ago, Helen said:

Day 8. My brain keeps telling me stuff like “you weren’t that bad” and “just a few mins won’t hurt” and “you are making a bigger deal” and “why are you denying yourself” but I have come too far. I don’t like what is back there. I am keeping going. ❤️

Keep scheduling things to occupy your mind like hobbies, conversations, activities with people, etc. You're doing great. These thoughts will go away, but you gotta help them go away by occupying yourself during the day and maintaining a good sleep schedule since a lot of relapses happen at night. 

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Day 9 I feel so awful. I miss the escapism and the fact that there was always something to occupy my mind. I am a bit freaked out today. I ate too much junk food over the last few days. I will get myself together today. This is way harder than I thought it would be. We deserve praise for doing this. 👍😁

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Day 10.

I felt good today for the first time since I started this. I feel hopeful and I can see how other bad habits (like treating myself badly with junk food and dehydration and fatigue)

are all linked in. Still early days though. Today I got up early, ate well, exercised, cleaned and did laundry and did my work from home in a well presented way instead of 

"no one can see me, whats the point?" I am really tired tonight, I haven't been vertical for so long in months. 

For fun I am going to watch some "Better Call Saul" and do drawings in my journal. 

I am grateful for this program, the people on this forum and my ability to learn.   🙂  

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@Helen Congratulations on you first steps forward! 10 days is a decent chunk of time to be without your addiction. I also started taking care of myself better since I stopped playing, by losing my distractions I noticed how bad some aspects of my daily life are. 

I am looking forward seeing your progress :)

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8 hours ago, Helen said:

like treating myself badly with junk food and dehydration and fatigue

Now I'm going to go drink some water. Glad you're taking better care of yourself now. Good job with the gratitude journaling. Keep up the good work.

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Day 11.

Thank you for responding to my post. It was really nice to see likes and comments. 🧡😁

I read a bit on gamequitters forum today and I found it helpful and insightful. One thing that stood out was someone posted

"care for yourself and allow others to care for you" I realized that when gaming, I don't have to take risks or bother about being

vulnerable to other human beings. Something else I noticed today that is quite big. I seem to be getting less anxious!! As in not

playing online is making me LESS anxious!! I seriously believed playing games was a way of calming down but I am seriously

considering that isn't true. How ironic that the thing I thought alleviated my anxiety might have actually caused it ????

Early days yet. I feel like the there is a demon butler standing out of sight with gaming apparatus waiting for me to weaken. 

I am grateful for the wisdom of this forum, the fact that I can change my behavior and my bicycle which I haven't ridden in months

but I am going to tomorrow.  🚴‍♂️

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30 minutes ago, Helen said:

As in not playing online is making me LESS anxious!! I seriously believed playing games was a way of calming down but I am seriously considering that isn't true.

I noticed that too towards the end. A combination of gaming and drinking lots of caffeine while gaming was making me an angry wreck. Back when I still drank a lot I actually punched a hole in my wall because of a game. Pretty embarrassing!

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You can type @(name) to respond to people. It makes it easier to find you in alerts and respond back. That sounds fun with the bicycle. It's good exercise. I used to get really anxious from gaming too. I'd be all riled up after. 

7 hours ago, Helen said:

Early days yet. I feel like the there is a demon butler standing out of sight with gaming apparatus waiting for me to weaken. 

Stay with the game quitting. You'll get stronger and be better at resisting any demon butlers. The forum is grateful for you too.

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Your making huge steps and I'm glad your pushing through. In a way posting on here is allowing yourself to vulnerable. Everyone here wants to help with your journey as they take theirs so its good. It may even help outside of the forums(That's what I'm hoping anyway) xD
Enjoy your bike ride.
Don't get discouraged if you find it harder than it used to be. It's only natural when you're out of practice. Give yourself a chance and you'll be a pro in no time 🙂 

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Day 12.

Thanks everyone and thanks for the advice on how to respond, @name. That will help a lot. I am getting more done and getting more stuff finished and I don't find I am rushing so much. I think I was rushing the life stuff so I could get back to the "important" stuff of gaming. Plus as everyone knows, the time just evaporates online and then there is the mad dash to try and keep up with pesky old reality. I have been listening and reading about gaming and for me, it comes down to a choice. Do I want to spend my life that way? No I choose not to. However, then I couldn't stop and I told myself I didn't really want to stop. Well I do want to stop. and I am. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is easy. It is always harder after 8pm. I have decided to post around 8pm to kind off head it off. I went for a bike ride and I feel very unfit but tomorrow I am riding to my friends house and we are going for a walk along the river and have a chat for about an hour. I am going to tell her about all this because addiction loves secrecy.  We have to be real careful who we tell what though. 🧡🚴‍♂️

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That sounds like a nice day you have planned. Have fun. Shedding light on the dark secrets of our addiction can help them clear up for sure. I'll tell on myself sometimes on here if I feel like it'll help me be aware of where I'm at and what I'm struggling with.

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8 hours ago, Helen said:

Do I want to spend my life that way? No I choose not to. However, then I couldn't stop and I told myself I didn't really want to stop. Well I do want to stop. and I am. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is easy.

I love these words. They're powerful and full of conviction. You've got this 🙂

And yeah, when you're tired its definitely more difficult. Good way of handling it though.

3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

 Shedding light on the dark secrets of our addiction can help them clear up for sure. I'll tell on myself sometimes on here if I feel like it'll help me be aware of where I'm at and what I'm struggling with.

Completely agree with this. Although so far I've put those kind of secrets in my hand written journal but I've not done too much off the rails yet 😜 

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Hi!

 

Congratulations on your journey!! Breaking the addiction of gaming gives you the ability to make that choice. You can now choose how to spend your days and fill them with love and joy. 
 

It is so wonderful that you are biking and getting outside with friends. This is so important. 💙💙💙

 

Sending love, energy and peace my friend. I am you have the most beautiful day. 🌺

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Day 13.

Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂 I rode my bike and walked with my friend and discussed addiction with her. I heard about a mutual friend who had a baby and it is Winter here and I would like to have a go at making the baby something like teeny baby socks or something. When I finish my work tomorrow I am going to look up things to make. Also tomorrow I am going to tackle my garden weeds. I haven't had time for that. Today I painted my nails which makes me feel good and I haven't had time for that either. Nails take so long to dry and you can't really use your hands while the nails are drying so that just didn't work. Today I found time. I felt tempted to play some old word game on my Laptop and I said "it doesn't count" but I don't believe that because it has all the "level up" excitement attached to it and I think it would be like an Alcoholic drinking low (not no) alcohol drink. I would really like to go 90 days without any games at all. I am going to log off and delete it because it is mocking me and it never gave me joy. A fix yes. Joy no. 💛

 

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56 minutes ago, Helen said:

I would really like to go 90 days without any games at all. I am going to log off and delete it because it is mocking me and it never gave me joy.

Cheers! Achievement unlocked for that. 😁

 

56 minutes ago, Helen said:

I heard about a mutual friend who had a baby and it is Winter here and I would like to have a go at making the baby something like teeny baby socks or something.

A Mario hat would be cute! 😂

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