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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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Congratulations on 90 days. Your brain has officially reset to factory settings according to the 90 day detox video on here. Enjoy the benefits and good health. I'm glad to see your life has improved since starting on here. I've seen you read and live life a lot in your entries. Good for you.

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@Erik2.0 Thank you for everything. I agree my brain is reset when it comes to games. I am not pulled in into them when I accidentally encounter some gaming content. 

I decided I'll start my second 90 days cycle. No, I haven't gamed in a meantime, I would just like to start fresh with my entry and day count. I like a blank slate, it lets me leave mistakes and past wins behind me and focus on the present. So, even though this will be my 92nd day clean of games, tomorrow will be my 1st day of the 2nd 90days period.

Entry 0: Sketch of my plans for the 2nd quarter

This new 3-month period will be exciting for me. First half of it will be a continuation of my efforts regarding my university, fitness and spirituality. I also decided I'll go for a month of nofap. Getting rid of porn and limiting my masturbation was beneficial for my motivation and energy levels. It's not placebo. Now I want to test pure nofap. Also, 3 days from now I'll be going to seaside for 10 days. My entries will likely become poetic and philosophical while I'm there lol, hope you have nothing against it. I'll be completely off of my laptop, internet and TV, except for writing my entries.

Second half is still hard to predict. My mood, daily obligations and aspirations will depend on whether or not I manage to pass all the needed exams to finish my 4th year. But one thing is certain - in that period I'll focus on socialization, and go on dates. Hopefully, COVID situation won't stop me from that, because if that happens, honestly - I'll start to suffer from isolation, I've been living in a solitary way for a while now. But I'll deal with whatever is thrown my way, it is what it is. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all the new challenges that will allow me to prove myself. 

 

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That seaside retreat sounds wonderful. Have fun. I'm almost on my fourth 90 day period. I'm looking forward to it. It's always nice to get to new milestones. Good luck on your socializing and dating. That sounds like it'll make for some good entries.

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@Erik2.0 Yeah, I think my entries will become really interesting in October. lol. I have a good hunch about it. I feel ready to open up to a new girl completely if she deserves it - I also crave some fun in life, some good laughs. I am a serious person that occupies himself with heavy topics constantly, so if I meet a girl that will bring innocent fun out of me, I could easily fall in love, hah. 

Entry 1 (day 1):

This was a good day. Constructive and felt good. My father returned and we cooked together. Later I went to a bar with Steven and had a good talk about politics. Now that we didn't hang out for almost a month it was interesting to talk to him, I didn't feel like I wasted my time in any way. I meditated and I was well focused, which shows me I am on an upward trajectory again regarding my spirituality. I felt some craves to masturbate before going to sleep, but I suffered through. I will do my month of nofap, even if it ends up being not worth it.

I've written a short poem in English today, which is unusual because I generally write only in my mother tongue. So I'll share it with you, maybe you'll like it:

edited out

Daily gratitude: I am grateful that my anxiety doesn't feel half as strong as it did 3 months ago.

Edited by gargamel
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That was a nice poem. Glad to hear your anxiety is doing better. I may have to face decreasing medication and that would mean a lot of anxiety. I hope it all goes well. For both of us.

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Cool poem, it's easy to understand what are you trying to say too 🙂

16 hours ago, gargamel said:

Daily gratitude: I am grateful that my anxiety doesn't feel half as strong as it did 3 months ago.

I think most of the anxiety just goes away when you realize things "happen" to you less and you make things "happen" more. It's good to know you have agency over the most of your life.

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@Erik2.0 I hope decreasing medication goes well for you Erik. It's a positive move forward if you manage to get over the transition, isn't it? Best of luck!
@Ikar Exactly, my anxiety worsens when I procrastinate, willfully ignore, forget and do not face my challenges. Which just makes sense. When you look at anxiety from a behavioral as opposed to hormonal perspective, it seems completely to be expected in my case. 

I'm happy to hear both of you liked my poem. I started writing poems a lot at the end of high school, also had a couple of developed ideas for novels as well, but it didn't grip me enough. Ended up trowing almost all of what I've written in trash a couple of years later in a symbolic gesture of leaving that period behind me. But I still write every once in a while. 

Now that I think about it, i think my last poem written in English was still in high school. In my senior year, I was deeply in love with a troubled classmate, and a lot of poems that I wrote, I sent to her. One gloomy evening we were walking through the park that I mentioned a couple of times here. It started raining and the night fell, so we hid bellow a special little pavilion (i'll attach a picture of it.)As the rain was not stopping for a while, we decided we will stay here. She was carrying her acoustic guitar with her, so she took it out of the bag, and started playing and singing pretty songs. We were both sitting on the floor, I directly behind her, hugging her but not too strongly to mess with her playing. One moment she said she needs to take out a note from her bag, and on it was my poem written in English, she said she made a melody for it. She sang it gracefully and I was in the same time embarrassed and completely struck.

If I am honest with myself, she is still my biggest love in certain ways. I loved her incredibly strongly, often I couldn't go to sleep because I was thinking of her. I feel like I will fall in love this strongly again, but of course it will be different because I am much more mature now. A couple of times I felt like I was falling for Veronika in this manner, but fate seemed to always get in the way in the cleverest of ways. I don't know if things like this are fated or not, but I take them as if they are fated because it allows me not to dwell on the past and missed possibilities.

Entry 2 (day 2) 

Again a good day. Again an upward trajectory. Mediated deeply, helped around the house, hanged around with my brother (we watched a couple of episodes of The Witcher, I haven't played the games or read the books, but the TV series is good), helped my mother with one small thing. It's not a perfect day, but as I am in the process of getting back on track, if the day is better than the previous one, it is good enough for me. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this romantic memory. Confused youth has it's charms.

picture222.jpg

Edit: I just googled her name, and I ended up reading a poem she wrote a month ago for a newspaper - it's about meditation. She is living in USA now. 

Edited by gargamel
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@Erik2.0 I have an whole bag of interesting stories with that girl. Most of them are pretty damn bad but fun to hear. You see... if you ask me... the reason why she lives in USA is because here she lost almost all of her friends (except complete weirdos and problematic people) and she has a baaad reputation. Basically, she had an assortment of personality disorders, was a serial cheat and a compulsive liar. When I fell in love with her, I didn't know it. Interesting fact - I often had nightmares about her even after two years since we stopped seeing each other. Still, I look at our moments like this one in the park in a positive light, because I know our feelings were genuine and mutual, it's just that she was messed up on top of it. In her poem she said she (still) suffers from a lot of guilt and shame, which is sad but unsurprising to hear. 

Entry 3 (day 3) - This day was beautiful
Writing my entry before going to bed for the first time. Reason is that I'll be on my way to the seaside tomorrow morning, so I won't be able to write my entries. 

Anyways, yes, this day was beautiful. I washed the dishes and did laundry. I've read 30ish pages of a new book about political philosophy, and then I listened to a short Tolkien's audiobook about Aragorn and Arwen.

Later I went to (that) park on my bicycle and meditated besides a brook in the forest. After it, I stood by my favorite lake there and observed my surroundings in silence, I was loving every second of it. Two dogs began running towards each other, the male was a lovely young dalmatian and a female was a black haired mutt with a single white dot on her chest. They stopped a meter away from me, and as they were of same size and stature, when they started sniffing each other while dancing in circles for at least 4-5 laps they were a living Yin and Yang. They continued to play for at least 15 minutes, as their owners both decided to rest by the lake. Wind was slowly breezing, birds were singing, the lake was calm, disturbed only by 2 elegant V-shaped wavelets created by two ducks swimming in parallel to one another.

Also, I (finally) worked out today after a week of  no strength training. Now its time to pack my bags, get in the shower and get some quality sleep.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful of the beauties of nature, and grateful of being able to notices them once again. In years of depression I was blinded of it.
 

Edited by gargamel
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23 hours ago, gargamel said:

If I am honest with myself, she is still my biggest love in certain ways. I loved her incredibly strongly, often I couldn't go to sleep because I was thinking of her. I feel like I will fall in love this strongly again, but of course it will be different because I am much more mature now.

I think there's some truth to the notion that the first love is in the one you believe you won't ever part the most. When I was with my X, I never realized I had problems I had to work on, let alone that she did. Nowadays I see the issues/shortcomings (serious or trivial) of "Girl A" with my rational mind, but I believe in her ability to overcome those with my feeling mind, as I do with mine, even though I seldom articulate that consciously.

23 hours ago, gargamel said:

A couple of times I felt like I was falling for Veronika in this manner, but fate seemed to always get in the way in the cleverest of ways. I don't know if things like this are fated or not, but I take them as if they are fated because it allows me not to dwell on the past and missed possibilities.

I take them as fated as well, because the probability of events happening in that exact event chain approximates 0%. Even if there is something you can consciously influence, it doesn't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. You could make the case that what prevented you and V to get together was your lack of responsibility, addiction, anxiety, whatever - but you can also make the opposite case that you kept bumping into each other thanks to bad influences in your lives and that you'll slowly drift apart now. It's really just on you which you believe.

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Woah that story just went deeper. That's interesting to hear about her history. I can see how she would feel guilty. I still feel like concerned that I've spent 6 years of my life not doing anything when I could've been pursuing a career in psychology. I try to add up all the time I remember and can't even account for all six years. I just know they passed since leaving school based on my age and where I'm at in my career. I think all our ghosts haunt us from time to time. No one has lived a perfect life. But it must be more severe for people who have bigger regrets. Mine is kind of big but not like unbearable or anything. It can be dealt with. 

That was a beautiful post about the yin yang dogs and taking in the nature at the park. Thanks.

 

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@MuMuMelon Hey MuMu! You stumbled upon one of the more inspired entries. If you read my journal in full, you'll mostly read about an optimistic guy going 2 step forward and 1 step back. I made considerable progress mentally, but I am not sure if it translates because I always try to focus on the positive, so I might end up sounding better than I actually am. If you want a "tl;dr" my main goals atm are passing my exams in October. I am splitting with my group of male friends because I decided I need to find a more positive, "doing" and not "talking" oriented group of people. On romantic level, I shared a couple of stories about Veronika. She has been my close friend for years, we have a complex past, dated shortly after highschool, and then she went back to her ex. We again rekindled our romantic spark a year and a half ago, but it happened in a time that she was leaving the country for a year, so we managed to stress ourselves out over it and hurt each other. After she came back, we continued being friends, but its on shaky grounds. Neither I, nor her, I think, are planning to start dating again, yet when we hang out, there is a paradoxical atmosphere of resentment, compassion, shame and mutual joy of being with one another. There is potentiality, so "something", of whatever nature, is bound to happen in the next couple of months. But besides her, when I mention other people, I usually link to a page that I talk about them before, so I don't think you need to read my past entries to join in on my journey. You are more than welcome. I appreciate honest critique and warm encouragement. 
@Ikar She is my first big love, yes. I have to discount my days of early adolescence when I "dated" a girl for 3 months. I was still mentally a child then, only getting first glimpses of what romantic attraction even is.

8 hours ago, Ikar said:

but you can also make the opposite case that you kept bumping into each other thanks to bad influences in your lives and that you'll slowly drift apart now. It's really just on you which you believe.

That is as good a guess as any considering what I told you about V. But, this is not the case. What pulled us towards one another is a feeling of uncanny belonging. It's not romantic love, it always felt more like some forgotten form of kinship, if you allow me to speak in those terms, this is how we speak to one another. 2 months ago she said she is certain at this point that we will always be in each others lives, and I feel she is correct. Be it friends or lovers, I think little in this world can separate us completely. 
@Erik2.0 I had, up until a year ago, similar sort of regret as yours, for a period of almost 5 years I was in a type of a reverse Groundhog day. Instead of waking up on the same date, but doing different things - my calendar was moving forwards but I continued with same mistakes, wasting my life, half-dead, half-scared-awake. I think her regrets are more difficult to go beyond, because she hurt other people.

Entry 4 (day 4)

I traveled to the seaside. On the road I listened to a part of an audiobook of the Fellowship of the Ring. Love those parts that are missing from the movies. I came to my room and dropped into sleep on my bed, only to wake a few hours later, noticing that the night is slowly creeping in. My brother called (he came here with me) and asked if I'll be joining him and his friends later as they will be drinking. I am 90% for it,  and 10% resisting, as always, all activities that force me to put on a jolly persona for unknown faces. But I think I'll have to force myself today, I've been living like an old monk for too long.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this house where my father lived as a boy. It still has a lot to give to me.

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This is not a daily entry, I'll write it later today or tomorrow morning. I just had a few things I wanted to get off my chest. My whole life I felt like an odd one out in most situation and crowds. As young as 6 years old, I felt most kids are seriously different. What always sticked out is that they felt brutish to me. 

I was never rejected and rarely teased. On the contrary, people mostly accepted me and loved me, the problem was always more on my part. This led me becoming an introvert. I doubt I would spend so much time alone if people were more like me.

I was reminded of this yesterday. My brothers friends ended up being five 23 y.o. girls, 3 of them are pretty hot. But I'll talk more about it in the entry. 

Anyways, yes. The only period I felt more like home in crowds were those days of uni before my depression. In that period I let this feeling of standing out to fuel my arrogance and feelings of superiority anf exceptionality. At the beginning of that period, I made a conscious decision to adapt to others, to use my intelligence to shape myself to fit any situation and end up on top.

I felt like I was better than others, so now feelings of being strange didn't make me feel isolated, but make me feel justified in getting whatever I want from others.

Now that I left that behind me, feeling strange and my unwillingness to adapt to others again makes me feel alien and isolated. I feel more at home reading holy texts of a civilization foreign to mine, mantra meditating on the language non of my close ones know about, reading books written by people dead for millenia, and reading made up stories of herioc deeds as the ones depicted in lord of the rings. More at home than being on a shore of a city I spent tens of my summers on, drinking with people slightly younger than me.

Speaking of my yesterdays situation, I forgot how to "have fun" in this modern way. It means getting comfortable in constantly putting on a happy face for others while joking and teasing people, ingesting toxic substance that damages your brain and makes you more susceptible to impulsive action, while listening to music beats that repeat some meaningless matra like "love me stranger", "I came here to lose my mind", "we are kings today" and such nonsense. Todays dancing (I am pretty good dancer) is about showing your skills and being cocky, its about flexing and posing more than about enjoying the beats and leting go. I can safely say I dislike all of this and I think it's trash.

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I see. Yeah, guilt for hurting others is tough to get over. Maybe it's common for us to have spent a lot of wasted time on this forum. Nice to know I'm not alone. There are good and bad to everything. Including drinking and dancing.

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@Erik2.0 Yeah, I think more than half of us here on the forum know very well what it means to waste time. That's usually the first thing a video game addict notices. I agree that there is good and bad in everything, I don't want to paint a totally black picture, but that's how I felt about it yesterday.

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 5 (days 5-6)

Finally took some time for myself. Me and my brother spent most of our time here with those girls. Just came home from the beach, this morning we were hanging out, swimming, playing Uno and later went to a restaurant together. They are a nice bunch of girls. Socially well developed, responsible towards their university studies, cheerful and drama-free. My brother wanted to get with one of the girls, but we learnt yesterday that she has a boyfriend. They even ended up sleeping in her bed yesterday after clubbing, but he couldn't make himself kiss her because he knew about the boyfriend (he said it was obvious she would accept his advances, but because they are leaving today in the evening, he thought it would be stupid. I agree.)

On the other hand, I couldn't make myself pursue any of the girls, even though I felt some attraction towards Emma and Petra. Emma is quite beautiful and has an amazing greek-like light-brown curly hair. Petra is a former gymnast and a dancer, has a smashing well-trained body, heart shaped big butt, firm C-cup breasts, she was doing flips and leg-splits on the beach yesterday, I mean, yeah... But she had the worst energy, she was kind of angry-nervous in moments and has a tom-boy vibe, while I am attracted to really feminine, girly, warm personalities, so I didn't flirt at all with her.

Anyways, If any of the two showed some open interest in me I would accept for sure, but they didn't catch my attention enough for me to try to pursue them. I think I had a pretty good chance with Emma, slim with Petra. After our first night out, I dreamed I met a Czech girl who looks like my perfect wife and has exactly the energy I love in a girl, in the dream we were so passionate with each other that it kind of feels more real than some of my true memories. If any of the girls had a trace of that woman in them I would go 10 extra miles to get with them. But still, all in all we had a really good time. I'm sad they are leaving today. 

As a side note, I am eating a lot of tasty and healthy food, I am physically really active - swimming, dancing, a lot of walking, I am doing push-ups and squats at home, so this is all very nice. But, I regret I didn't meditate yesterday.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for having a good friendship with my brother. Girls pointed that out a couple of times.

Edited by gargamel
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I can understand where you're coming from. I don't like to drink or dance myself and avoid them. That's cool you're good at dancing though. And I can see how drinking helps you socialize. Sounds like an awesome time you had with your brother and the girls. It's precious to have a good relationship with a family member. 

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@Erik2.0 Yeah, time spent with them was pretty awesome. We are here for another full week, I'm curious how will it go. Me and my brother get along really, really well.
@BooksandTrees I need to find some format to track time since the begging of the journey together with splitting it into smaller chunks. I'll think about it.
@Icandothis thank you so much. I write occasionally and share my poems with a small circle of friends. Don't worry, I won't stop :)

Entry 6 (day 7) 
My journal is in a weird place at the moment because I spent my time spontaneously here without any particular goals other than to enjoy. After I've written my yesterdays entry day was only half done. Me and my brother helped the girls pack and with carrying their luggage. After that we watched an episode of The Witcher and he went to sleep. I listened to a chapter of LotR audiobook.

I then decided to go to the beach to meditate. I set down at the top of the cliff by the shore and meditated for around half an hour. Wind was strong, yet it was somehow warmer than the already warm air. I managed to hold a decent concentration, but people walking behind my back did break me out of it a couple of times. I still prefer meditating in such a pretty place when i have the occasion. After that I walked to the city square and set by the church, observing bellow me people eating at the open restaurants, kids riding longboards, young women walking in high heels and a single peculiar drunkard, standing in his own lonesome corner, who is very likely a schizophrenic. He was constantly cursing and speaking in broken English things like - "this my state, yes, my state", arguing with invisible people, explaining some things to himself and occasionally spilling white wine from his plastic container. He was the only thing standing out from a generally idyllic mediterranean summer.

I came back home, listened to some music and went to sleep. Today was a lazy day, we watched another Witcher episode, I made us something to eat, and we joined the two of the remaining girls at the beach (neither of which interest me or my brother), there I drank 2 beers and swam a lot. I think I'll spend the rest of the day on my own, listen to some LotR, work out a bit and pray to God.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for every drop of God's grace in my life. I feel I got so much. Much, much more than most. Hopefully I don't waste it in the end.

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Entry 7 (day 8-9)

I don't feel like writing journal entries when I have so little time for myself. But, whatever - last 2 days my brother and I spent doing only 2 things: sleeping and hanging out on the beach. Other than that - I got myself a haircut, I worked out a bit, listened to an hour of LotR audiobook, we drank a bit of beer and listened to music and that's basically it.
Today I came across a guy from my high school (we knew each other but we were never close) with his girlfriend. Talked for an hour and he asked us to hang out tomorrow, I'll see if I care to meet up. Also, one of the girls me and my brother were hanging out with likely has coronavirus, so that's fun.

Also... I kind of watched porn? I was on reddit manga page and got redirected to a section with Hentai pictures. I scrolled through the reddit page for around 10 minutes. Didn't masturbate even though I got crazy horny. I think I'll stay away from reddit from now on, that site is filled with porn. I am at my 10th day of nofap, and I would really love to get to a full month.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for air conditioning again. 
 

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6 hours ago, gargamel said:

Also... I kind of watched porn? I was on reddit manga page and got redirected to a section with Hentai pictures. I scrolled through the reddit page for around 10 minutes. Didn't masturbate even though I got crazy horny. I think I'll stay away from reddit from now on, that site is filled with porn. I am at my 10th day of nofap, and I would really love to get to a full month.

Could it be that once the girls you socialized with left, then there was no other way to channel your sexual energy? I sometimes notice that being the case with myself after socializing with girls. It's good to hear you are having fun though 🙂

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Could it be that once the girls you socialized with left, then there was no other way to channel your sexual energy? I sometimes notice that being the case with myself after socializing with girls. It's good to hear you are having fun though 🙂

That's one side of it for sure. Also, there might be a lot of suppressed stimulation in general from the beach. A lot of young girls are wearing thongs for the lower part of their bikini. But, most importantly, it has to do with me aimlessly laying on my bed for too long. When I do that, my mind switches to a self-indulgent mode. I want to jerk off, eat something sugary, watch entertainment and feel cozy. My energy channel switches from investment mode to pure expenditure. 

 

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