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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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Hello forum, I am 27 years old dude trying to get my life back on track. Check out my introduction story.

I love the idea of keeping an active journal, trying to document every step and misstep I take along the way to full recovery from this terrible addiction. 

I quit a week ago and I am doing fine for now, hope you enjoy reading along!

Entry 0 (first week of quitting):

General gist of the week: Wow, this week was a really good one. I found time for both enjoyment and constructive activities! In the first week I've made small but healthy efforts in improving my life and kept myself busy. 

My mood: It was generally stable, anxieties where pretty weak and I didn't experience much negative emotions. I had a couple of good laughs as well. In moments I've started to slip back into my unconscious lethargic self when i was watching some youtube videos, so I decided to watch them in small doses only.

Notable moments:

1) I went hiking with a good friend of mine. It was a cold and rainy day but we enjoyed ourselves. I was shocked when he told me about all the positive and constructive things he had done since COVID epidemic started. It was a stark contrast to my time wasted playing WoW, but I didn't despair or hate myself over it - I just promised myself to try to follow his steps.

2) I've read Viktor Frankl's "Man's search for meaning", a book about his experience in concentration camps in WW2, and an introduction to logotherapy. The book was beautiful in a sad but inspiring way. If people can live through concentration camps and be healthy at the end of it I deeply believe all of us can make a complete recovery and be better people in the future.

3) I've lubricated all door hinges in my house. This might seem like a silly thing to highlight, but it was actually subjectively the most important thing I've done this week. Why? Well, because for the longest time I was irritated about squeaky doors in my house and it NEVER before occurred to me to fix them myself. NEVER. And it was such an easy thing to do. This was symbolically influential because I now wonder how much of the problems I was suffering from are easily fixed. 

Things I could've done better: 

Nothing comes to mind, I've made a lot of progress, but this week didn't have any difficult tasks to overcome. We will see how I will manage when i get back to studying in a week from now.

Important expectations for the week to come:

1) I want to fully get back to working out - I decided I will not wait for the gym to open again, I gotta do a daily workout routine at home as best as I can.

2) I need to make a list of all the books I have to read for the summer exams. 

3) I will try to do as much work early in the morning. It is a part of my goal to completely reverse the unhealthy "first play/relax, than work" attitude that I am suffering from.


See you next week! ❤️

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Welcome to the forums. I'm glad your first week went well for you. I have been using three free app called "home workout " for the quarantine. It's all body weight exercises. It has helped me get into really good shape to be honest so I recommend that if you're unable to find a gym structure. 

If you can use the play to reward your work then you'll be in a good spot. After that you'll realize you enjoy work first because of less anxiety in your life for procrastinating on that work. It becomes an enjoyment rather than taxing life because it might not be your favorite activity, but it will be a rewarding one since work is always in our lives. If we enjoy the process slightly or how it feels better to not procrastinate then you will have fewer feelings of escape and relapse. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad your first week went well for you. I have been using three free app called "home workout " for the quarantine. It's all body weight exercises. It has helped me get into really good shape to be honest so I recommend that if you're unable to find a gym structure. 

If you can use the play to reward your work then you'll be in a good spot. After that you'll realize you enjoy work first because of less anxiety in your life for procrastinating on that work. It becomes an enjoyment rather than taxing life because it might not be your favorite activity, but it will be a rewarding one since work is always in our lives. If we enjoy the process slightly or how it feels better to not procrastinate then you will have fewer feelings of escape and relapse. 

I downloaded the application you recommended, thank you. Going to try it out later today. I totally agree with what you've said about cutting procrastination. It just makes sense. Procrastination is totally irrational and a seed of my many flaws. 

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Entry 1 (8th day after quitting): This one will be freeflow, essay style :)

I had ups and downs throughout the day. First I got really irritated when i went to library so late I had worry will I even arrive before they close. And it was not necessary at all man. I procrastinated without any reason. Then my mood improved until the evening hours. I was reading those 2 books I've borrowed from the library and fixed my bike with my father in the mean time.

And then a guy I recently met playing WoW called me up, asked me to hang out and drink with him and his buddies by the lake! I had to turn him down because my leg still hurt after a slight injury from the hike. Immediately after I rejected his invitation I've realized that today is officially the first day that my city is loosening its COVID saftey measures and that probably thousands of young and happy people are hanging out there. Sadness hit me and my old feelings of isolation and stagnation surfaced. I felt like others are living while I rot in my room. My energy level dropped as I laid on my bed. "I have to get out of this rut" I said to myself, and decided I should meditate.

Meditation helped me a lot, as it always does. I did mantra meditation for almost an hour and felt so good, I felt peace. Feeling of sadness went away and I knew that I had no reason to despair over such a small thing, and more over - that I had no reason to feel lonely after someone new called me and wanted to hang out.

I got back to my reading, listened to some beautiful new albums I discovered, and went to sleep with a feeling of positive anticipation of a new day to come. I had zero conscious cravings to play games, but I knew that my emotions where a bit all over the place because I lost my defense mechanism.

Edit: 
P.S. I still regularly dream of WoW.

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 2 (Days 9-10):

Haven't written an entry for 2 days, so it feels good to be back! 

Summary: Time flied by, I spent a lot of time socializing. My sister and grandma had a birthday party so I helped with making a barbecue, later went on a walk with my close friend that I haven't seen since I started playing WoW again. Helped my father in buying and installing a new TV set, and read that itinerary book I've borrowed.

My mood: It was generally stable, I felt energized and relatively confident. At times I would feel an instinctive crave for comfortable and lazy laying in bed, but it was almost immediately followed up by my will's crave for more energy, ambition and motivation, so I didn't indulge my lazy side too much.

Notable moment: I've uninstalled Steam, WoW, Grim Dawn, Civilization VI and Call of Duty from my computer. That produced a slight dose of irritation in me because I remember this is FAR from being my first time of doing something like this. Even though I have mentioned that I've quit gaming once in my life, it would be more correct to say that I have successfully quit gaming only once in my life for a long period of time, but I have actually quit gaming and got back to it after a few months at least 8 times in the last couple of years. But this doesn't discourage me, because I feel the same about this time as I felt after I finally quit smoking after similar number of failed attempts. I know I am not coming back to gaming ever again.

I know I am not coming back to gaming ever again! This is my life and I want to live it as best as I can. I want to live without addiction. It feels good knowing I will never have to install or uninstall a game from my PC.

Notable thoughts: Since I am doing a lot of chores in and around the house for the last 2 weeks, such as mowing my lawn or washing my balcony, one thought sprang in my mind: "Upkeep really does take a lot of time, but it is necessary for a civilized person that takes care of himself. It keeps your mind in order." Surrounding has a big effect on me, so if I am in a clean and beautiful place it fills me with positive craves and ideas. I want to make my house as clean, orderly and beautiful as possible.

On a similar note, I want to take care of my looks more, or better said - I want to push it to another level in two specific areas - my clothes and my haircut. If you knew me you would probably say that I take really good care of myself, but I just want to go to another level still. I will not be young for long (P.S. I'm 27, some of you that are a lot younger wouldn't even consider me young anymore, but when you come to my age, you will see that it is not so!), and I feel I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't use this time to look as stylish as I want to. This requires money, so I have to get a part-time job as well.

Things I haven't done but should've: I haven't worked out and I haven't meditated. I don't regret for neither of those (I don't feel guilty or something), but I don't want it to continue. I have a sort of an excuse for not working out: My city announced 2 days ago that gyms are opening again on 13th of this month, which is tomorrow! This made me less motivated to do a half-workout here in my house. I am so ready to go to the gym, cannot wait! 

Edit: grammatical errors

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 3 (day 11):

This one will be short. Yesterday was a simple and a fine day. Pretty much a continuation of the days that followed before it! My mood was  maybe the best it was in a loong time, I felt content and happy that my family is slowly healing.

1) I've cleaned the staircase with my sister and cut some unnecessary branches of our tree that blocked the street lights.

2) Later I've listened to some new albums (mostly new Black Metal) and watched a British movie from the 80s that I didn't like, too posh and uptight for my taste, no offense intended.

3) I ended my day with a 45 minute meditation. 

And that's basically it!

P.S. But maybe this is a good time I talk about something I haven't mentioned yet! Parallel to my quitting of gaming, I've also quit watching porn and decided I will significantly reduce how often I masturbate. I went from masturbating at average of around 5-10 times a week (which I didn't know was a pretty damn high number) to now only once or twice a week (without porn, ofc). I feel stronger cravings for porn than for gaming. Also, now it seems that almost every above-average girl I see makes me feel like I'm falling in love if I look at her for longer than 5 seconds. I take this to be a good sign, yet I am a bit afraid for my future self when I start to chase after girls again, lol.

P.P.S. Intrusive thoughts about gaming are becoming a rare occurrence

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Entry 4 (day 12):

Not much to say really, I binge-watched last couple of episodes of the latest season of Survivor. I've done some work around the house, talked on whatsapp with my friends.

All in all, this beginning phase of my journey is coming to a successful end and new difficult tasks await me after the 18th of this month when I start studying hardcore for my exams. Until then, I'll try to gather as much energy and inner strength. I've managed to keep my mind of gaming and I know, as time goes on, this new me I am nurturing will have a mind clear of my addiction. I am grateful I ended up writing this journal, because it really helps me keep on the right track.

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Entry 5 (day 13):

1) Yesterday was a simple day. Went shopping, bought myself new jeans and one T-shirt. I need to buy a lot more if I want to work on my appearance. That was a reminder to get a part-time job ASAP.

2) Struggled in the morning with cravings to masturbate, but managed to stop myself. Hopefully I will find a proper balance in the months to come. I want my sexuality to be natural and free, but first I need to get rid of this compulsory behavior. 

3) I watched a video that demonstrated the capabilities of the latest PS5 unreal engine. I didn't get cravings to play games, but I felt that I was still doing something wrong for myself. I will generally keep away from anything videogame related for a long time. I want to be totally out of that world.

And that's it!

But! I want to talk about something important for my character development. Later I will be going day-drinking with a girl from my university. Just hanging out as buddies (I have a lot of female friends for a guy, they are tricky to manage sometimes, but I cherish them). Anyways... I want to hang out with her and yet I still feel like I am forcing myself to do it. And I know this feeling all too well. For the last couple of years I wasn't able to say no to people. I was both too passive to fill my own schedule with activities, and too guilt-ridden to be able to turn down people that showed genuine interest in me. This led to hundreds of hours spend with people that I either didn't like, or didn't like enough.

She is an interesting example. A complex character - sharp, caring, genuine, tough but also a bit spiteful, opinionated and vain. She takes care of herself and she is a worker, she is good looking, a former model. We flirted a bit over a year ago, but I sensed pretty soon that she is not what I seek in a girl, so we remained buddies. Anyways, I enjoy spending time with her and we have a similar background, but we have totally different values. She is materialistic and career oriented with libertarian political beliefs who likes to spent time drinking wine and eating junk food, while I am spiritually inclined person that reads philosophy books, goes to the gym and consumes art.

This stark difference makes it almost impossible for me to be completely genuine with her, because I would end up being too critical of her and we would argue unnecessarily. But in the same time, this makes me feel fake and it drains me, so in the end one part of me wants to stop hanging out with whomever I cannot be completely truthful and authentic with.

I hope that in a year or maybe a bit more I will get my confidence back and will be able to be more assertive and proactive with my social circle. This needs to happen.

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Entry 6 (day 14)

Yesterday went as I expected it to - I enjoyed myself, she is an interesting cookie, but still thought at the end of it all that i should be doing something else or hanging out with someone else.

Still, I am grateful that so many different people enjoy my company and want me around. When I get my life going again I will have more than enough freedom and assertiveness to pick and choose my company and this excites me.

Also, for the longest time I was mostly interested socializing 1 on 1 with people - getting to know them, bonding, discussing ideas, et cetera. But now I want a more superficial company of larger groups, I wish some excitement. I am considering joining a sports club, that will give me ample opportunities for exactly that.

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Entry 7 (day 15)

I felt confident and quite manly because I mowed my lawn and constructed a studying desk from IKEA pieces for my little cousin. I didn't work out because my muscles where still sore from the day before.

Later I went drinking with my main group of friends - all 3 of them are intellectual, humorous, a bit cynical and a bit arrogant. It was a good evening - we laughed a lot, but also discussed some politics and philosophy as is always the case. We where celebrating a promotion the eldest of us got. He is now a manager of his departement, which is a really big deal and I am proud of him.

I want to stay close with them in years to come, I wish I can make them proud in the following years the way that they made me.

Edit: gram. error

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 8 (day 16) - I had a walk with her and my "holiday" is officially over

For the last 16 days I had, what is in all effects, a holiday. I haven't been working nor studying.

I was:

1) making sure I don't indulge my addictions

2) trying to reconnect with my friends again after I broke all contact a few months ago

3) doing work in and around the house

4) discovering new music, movies and art in general so I can nurture a sense of wonder and excitement about being alive

5) meditating and connecting with God (I am a Hindu)

I am so grateful about how it all went. I can't say I had a single "bad day", only a couple of bad parts of the day, couple of sad moments. I didn't dwell on the past, I wasn't shit scared of the future. Yesterday was the last day of living this simple and easygoing existence. It started kind of badly, i was a bit lethargic and spent the first half of my day on the internet, listening to music, and being on reddit. At one moment I had a strong urge to watch porn, but my will was strong enough to let it go.

Later I went on a long walk with the girl (or I should say - woman, we are grown-ups now) who I often feel is my soulmate. We are friends for 10 years now, and we had two short attempts at a romantic relationship that both ended badly. Sadly, it had more to do with circumstances then anything else so I think both of us are still a bit confused about what to do with each other in the long run. After the walk we both expressed deep gratitude for having each other in our lives, and expressed deep love we feel towards one another as friends. This was a perfect conclusion of my "holiday" and made me even more motivated to get my life going in a proper sense.

Now I need to step up and start working hard. I need to push my will, need to keep focus. Wish me luck!

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Entry 9 (days 17-21):

I'm back. Haven't written in a while because I wasn't satisfied with myself so I didn't want to talk about it. Which is a flaw I need to work on immediately.

My mood: Intense mood swings man. i was sad, I was happy, I was lonely, I was confident, I was hyped, I was needy, I was nervous, I was anxious, I was fearful, I was peaceful.

What I was doing: Mostly, it was a continuation of the past 16 days. Cleaning, meditation, socializing. Which means I was procrastinating from studying, lol. But at least I was hitting the gym.

Notable moments: 

1) I went to small local cinema, watched an amateur movie my colleagues made with basically no budget - it was pretty good! 

2) Finally met IRL with a dude I was playing WoW with, awesome guy, we had a pleasant conversation.

3) Talked on the phone with the girl I went on a walk with from like 9 pm to 2 am. (lets just give her a nickname Veronika, because I feel I will be mentioning here every now and then)

Important thoughts: 

I spent some time thinking generally about me and women, and I realized I shouldn't have a relationship until I fix my university problems. Because only after I fix that can I actually handle emotional investment and vulnerability that comes with it. 

On 5/19/2020 at 12:40 AM, Erik2.0 said:

Sounds like a nice walk. Good luck.

@Erik2.0 Oh, it was 10/10. Thank you.

 

Edited by gargamel
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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

Haven't written in a while because I wasn't satisfied with myself so I didn't want to talk about it. Which is a flaw I need to work on immediately.

Is the flaw not to write every day, not to be satisfied with yourself or not wanting to talk about it?

2 hours ago, gargamel said:

I spent some time thinking generally about me and women, and I realized I shouldn't have a relationship until I fix my university problems. Because only after I fix that can I actually handle emotional investment and vulnerability that comes with it.

I met my wife during my time at university. She was and still is a very stabilizing factor in my life. So I suppose that a relationship can be either encouraging or harmful. You never know, if this is the only chance to meet the girl of your life. Unless you have a try.

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2 hours ago, Fagus said:

Is the flaw not to write every day, not to be satisfied with yourself or not wanting to talk about it?

@Fagus Thank you for asking! My flaw is that I flee from healthy self-observation and from the limelight when i start to get unsatisfied with myself.

So, what happened in the last 5 days was that, 1st I started to procrastinate, 2nd I felt anger towards myself because of it, 3rd I didn't want to share with the world that I wasted time, so 4th I wanted to hide and ignore it, leading to further procrastination.

If i don't let myself avoid others and be honest about what is happening in my life it would help me recover fast from bad days.

2 hours ago, Fagus said:

I met my wife during my time at university. She was and still is a very stabilizing factor in my life. So I suppose that a relationship can be either encouraging or harmful. You never know, if this is the only chance to meet the girl of your life. Unless you have a try.

I understand where you are coming from and I am glad that it worked out for you. Thing with me is that I have a crazy amount of accumulated shame because of the years (many years) I lost while being depressed and gaming. I would already be at the last parts of my PhD that I was dreaming, but instead  I am basically 2 years away from even graduating, and that only if I even manage to stay enrolled. This accumulated shame and guilt makes me feel weak and undeserving inside, so I start to feel like I don't deserve a good girlfriend either.

Hopefully in a few months I will be objectively on the right track, passing some important exams and seeing my life going forwards at the satisfying pace. When I see that, I will again trust myself and be relaxed enough to let a person in. Until then, dating would result in me feeling like I am distracting myself, or that I don't deserve being with a girl if it happens that I like her.

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5 hours ago, gargamel said:

I spent some time thinking generally about me and women, and I realized I shouldn't have a relationship until I fix my university problems. Because only after I fix that can I actually handle emotional investment and vulnerability that comes with it. 

This makes sense. Handle that university business. 

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@gargamel I think that honesty is the key on this path to recovery. It is easier to paint illusions around oneself and the escape within them. The funny thing is that the procrastination/ escape is usually the initial trigger to this endless escape cycle. I believe that momentum plays a huge role in what we do during the day. Once this cycle gets rolling, it is harder to stop it with every passing minute, with every excuse that we give ourselves. That's why some days just feel fantastic when you get a good start in the morning and then more and more victories compound on top of it. 

I think this is the power of this forum to makes ourselves accountable. Especially on the days that we are not satisfied with ourselves, sharing here drops a massive burden off your shoulders. At least that is what works for me. Usually, when I feel the worst, and I just want to hide from the world and not talk to anyone, I can feel much better immediately if I push through and talk to friends.  I need to work on my honesty and accountability too. It is on an entirely different level than what it was when I was gaming. But still, all the lies and excuses I made up so that I can play for a little while longer are the demons I need to carry. However, if I do not feed them, they will slowly but surely disappear. 

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@Marek I agree 100%. Reading this was totally relatable. I am glad to say that this forum already helped me with accountability. I'll do my best never to skip a day writing here, especially not because of my escape triggers.

@Erik2.0 Thank you for your validation, it helps.

Entry 10 (day 22):

Wow, day 22 already. Time flies by as usual. I didn't study yesterday, but it was actually a really productive and healthy Saturday. Reading your comments helped me, I appreciate them immensely.

My mood: It was stable, relaxed, confident, focused, driven, fulfilled. I hope one day this can be my default.

Day started of with me writing my last entry and coping with slight anxiety because of it, but as soon as I posted it I felt relieved and redeemed. I knew that it is very unlikely that I will find time to study today because of the chores that had to be done, and I was correct. 

Anyways... me and my friend (lets call him Steven) had an agreement to go to the gym together. He started working out with me a month before COVID started, so he expressed a desire to join me again. He first postponed it for an hour which I was OK with, but then cancelled it at the last minute, saying he was too tired and in a bad mood. He basically ragequit after he was already waiting for public transport for a couple of minutes. This would seriously piss me of a year ago, but I didn't have a reaction at all - I just went to the gym and worked my ass off.

After gym Steven and I had a short conversation in the local coffee shop. He apologized for his ragequit and I went home for lunch. Then I went to trim the hedge around the house with my budget chainsaw. Took me a couple of hours, my brother helped me to get rid of the cut leaves.

I took a half an hour coffee break with my father. You could see in his eyes how happy he was that I was doing work around the house. He was lethargic and depressed for the last 5 years as well, probably worse than I was.

Then I cleaned the bathroom and toilet with strong cleaning products, needed to get rid of years of accumulated limescale. This took me over 3 hours and I was soaking in sweat by the end of it. I took a good shower, ate, made myself a cup of tea, lit a candle in my room and just laid on the bed content for 15 minutes. Calming rain started, so I got out of my bed and did mantra meditation for 30 minutes. After this I went to bed, an hour earlier than I usually do.

P.S. I don't have urges to watch gaming videos anymore, nor do I dream about gaming. It is 99% out of my system already.

P.P.S. I am going to study today. Wish me luck. This will probably result in a strong panic attack in the next 72 hours. But I need to get through it.

 

Edited by gargamel
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4 hours ago, gargamel said:

P.P.S. I am going to study today. Wish me luck. This will probably result in a strong panic attack in the next 72 hours. But I need to get through it.

Good luck. Pushing through study anxiety is something I've done myself when I went back to school. You can do it. Take baby steps, take breaks and keep trying. You'll get through it.

Sounds like you handled your friends ragequit a lot better than you used to. Good for you.

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@Erik2.0 First baby steps where taken, anxieties are as high as they where when I just quit WoW, an they are far from peaking, but hey, I have to suffer through it if i want to get my life in order, and I do, and I will.

Entry 11 (day 23):

Yesterday was not how I expected it to be. Uncle who lives across the country visited us with his family, and my father needed my help for making a barbecue, setting the table, washing the dishes, et cetera, grandma had an injury and couldn't help at all. Obviously, when they came it was time for some obligatory family time, we drank some wine and talked about various things. Aunt asked me about my university and I semi-lied, said that I am a year away from graduation, it's obvious I am slacking with my studies so I guess she got my point. Basically, my whole day was spent on this visit.

In the evening I took a short nap and when i woke up I had a short meditation and then studied for hour and a half. I just took one book from my syllabus and started reading it, and I felt both better, because I at least started, and worse, because anxieties started to pile up as I felt how deeply disconnected I am from my university. I don't feel like a student even tho I technically am.

Material that I was reading made me sleepy pretty quickly, and I called it a day when I felt my concentration was spent. I made a promise to myself to start each day for the next 2 weeks with meditation. Hopefully, it will help.

 

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@Erik2.0 Thank you, baby steps but still steps

Entry 12 (days 24-25):

Most important: I studied for an insignificant amount of time and I am not happy about it, but here we are. Still, it's something. 

Mood: Struggled with short periods of high anxiety, but I didn't want to suppress or ignore them. For a moment I wanted to masturbate to relieve stress, but managed to control myself. Other than that, I felt good. Confident, lively, energetic, strong and even happy.

Notable moments:

1) I spent Monday evening with Veronika, she helped me pick a gift for our mutual friend, (we are celebrating her birthday on Friday). Later we went to our favorite bar and had a blast.

2) That night I dreamt of her. We where in a big disney-like castle that changed shapes and colours. Me and her where only 2 people there and we kissed and she cried and we talked and we had sex multiple times (erotic more so than pornographic). It was a long and emotionally realistic dream, if we disregard the weird setting. It's obvious my erotic emotions for her are surfacing. (Did I tell you she is 10/10, drop dead beautiful? She looks like a combination of young Angelina Jolie and Arwen from LotR, I am not joking)

3) I decided I will take a Judo or/and Jiu-Jitsu class after I'm finished with my summer exams. It will compliment my raw strength workout in the gym.

4) I deleted my League of Legends account. Or, rather - I started the 30 days process of deletion. This was hard for me to do because that account was my baby, my pride. I was one of the highest ranked solo-duo queue players in Europe, and it was after that feat that I quit gaming for the first time in my life. Deleting it was impactful, another piece in the puzzle that shows me that I really am making life-decisions I wanted to make for a long time and letting go of the past.

5) I noticed that my "first play, then work" attitude is already starting to change. Mostly because my "play/indulge" craves are starting to weaken. I am at the point that I will "play" rather than work only when I am procrastinating out of fear. I have overcome my laziness and my indulgence and my lethargy, but I am still struggling with my fear. 

6) Pornography rarely comes to mind and I have gained control over my craves for masturbation. My goal is to masturbate once a week for the next month and see how it affects me. My libido is pretty damn high obviously, but I should use it in healthy way, not for some cheap self-pleasure.

Edited by gargamel
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I really envy your progress. You seem to be very self-reflecting about your current situation and your way forward. I find that impressive.

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Yeah you're moving in the right direction. That's awesome your talking to a beautiful girl. I hope that happens to me someday. Good job deleting your LoL account. I did the same. It must be hard to walk away from after being high ranked. It's a good goal to get work done before play. You'll probably feel better for it. I did jiu-jitsu for a few months. It was really a lot of fun. I'm not that durable though so once I got an injury I stopped. 

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@Fagus Thank you for the compliments man. I think that meditation is one of the key components for almost every positive step I've taken in the last month. It puts me in a right attitude.

16 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yeah you're moving in the right direction. That's awesome your talking to a beautiful girl. I hope that happens to me someday. Good job deleting your LoL account. I did the same. It must be hard to walk away from after being high ranked. It's a good goal to get work done before play. You'll probably feel better for it. I did jiu-jitsu for a few months. It was really a lot of fun. I'm not that durable though so once I got an injury I stopped. 

@Erik2.0 I wish you a girl like her! We are close for almost 10 years now.

First time I quit it was actually easier after achieving such an impressive rank because it felt like an accomplishment, like I proved myself as a player. I asked myself would I want to try playing professionally and decided I want a different life (and that was a good decision even if in the parallel universe I won the championship, or at least I always felt like that. Still do)

But this time it was different. I didn't just stop playing. I decided I will never play video games for the rest of my life. Also, deleting your prized LoL account feels like trowing away Pokemon cards you collected during childhood and trowing all the medals and trophies you've got playing in the high school football team at the same time. But I wanted to do it. Liberating feeling in the end.

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