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It Starts with One Truth (Sequel to Ninety Days Worth the Pain)


Lea
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If you guys have known me from Ninety Days Worth the Pain, it's Lea here again. It's been eight months since I posted here and almost a year since I started gaming again. Since then, my awareness towards my surroundings went duller as I delved deeper in the world of my fantasies and imagination, wanting to escape from reality.  In other words, I have been living the lie that I'm not aware of until now. It is made even worse with writing stories, drawing, and playing games, like pouring gasoline to the open fire of trouble.

Long story short, the more my family scolds me for not getting myself right, deciding things for myself, and lying about what I'm doing, the more averse I am to their scolding, which results in me being more delusional, numb, and defensive. I already know that my family is right all along, but today is enough for me for I have been feelings very anxious and afraid because I found out that I don't even the heart to change to begin with.

It is also today that I prayed to God, and God told me in my heart that he wants me to be back here. God had been telling me to lessen my time with my phone, but I kept on ignoring it and tried to please my family when really I lied to them so that I got more validation while having more time with my phone and my imagination. I don't know if the next 90 days of not gaming will change me and it's not a guarantee, but this could be a start. And it starts with one truth as said below:

Your heart determines your actions, and if you truly feel it in your heart, you'll do it no matter what.

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Hi Lea, I’m also here because of a relapse...5 months clean... then...just 1...2...   etc.   the idea of returning to compulsiveness scared the heck out of me...so I am here... I allow myself to watch movies, eat anything,.WHATEVER, as long as I don’t play games.   Anyone scolding me...no difference...it just doesn’t connect....  quitting games is an inside job... my life or games... my decision.    Best wishes to you...to both...all of us.

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Hey, glad you're here. I was hopeless and prayed to God for help over a year ago. I started to feel better from there and now I pray everyday. I've been off games for 5 months. It's not always easy, but I think it's worth it. Try to do respawn or start with writing out why you gamed and why you want to stop gaming. I hope and pray that you are able to get off the games and live a better life. 

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Welcome back! I'm glad you're here again. I enjoyed reading your posts before and your advice has helped me through tough times in the past. Looking forward to talking to you again and wish you luck. 

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Day 1 (May 9th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

I didn't feel anything good or bad from this morning until afternoon. It was when someone told me that I forgot to turn off the lights that I got a sudden burst of negative thoughts, worries, and fears reeling inside my mind. It caused me to cry a little, thinking that I'm all useless for my family and the wider community.

Not long however, out of the blue, God sent me an image of a neon yellow smiley, calming me down. Furthermore, when I asked him twice if I was truly saved, He responded twice to me with a "YES." It was silent comfort in there.

What Did I Do Today?

I woke up at nine in the morning and read several teachings from the Bible for about an hour before eating fried rice for breakfast. Afterwards, I went to watch and accompany my younger cousin playing GTA. About an hour has passed and after turning off the lights that I had forgotten, I went back to bed to give myself a good cry as I mentioned above.

After taking a warm shower and feeling better, I read about dealing with gaming addiction and maladaptive daydreaming (which is not listed as an official mental disorder, but I do believe it is). Within that time, I also talked to my sister about my negative thoughts for a while, called Mom (more like Mom called me first), texted my friend from church, ate a chocolate donut, vacuumed my shared bedroom and bathroom (my sister and I shared the rooms together).

After an hour or two of reading, I went outside to spend time with my younger cousin, but it went pretty awkward since I didn't bring myself up to talk with him. I had dinner on my own, took out the trash, and I did one of my homework for my Early Childhood Education course*. I then read on the Internet again and not long, Mom called me again and later called my sister too.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (2), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (2).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (1), Reading Erotica (2).

I'm Grateful for...

The fact that I'm still living and God reassuring me that He indeed has saved me.

Bonus

* I actually change not only my course in Psychology, but I actually moved to a TAFE institute to take a course in Early Childhood Education and Care due to the current financial situation of my family.

Replies

@Sankirk42 True, the similar happens to me too. I'm hoping the best for you and you can do this too. 😄

@Erik2.0 Thank you Erik. It is much appreciated, and God bless you.

@BooksandTrees Hi, it's good to be back! How's life for you now?

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43 minutes ago, Lea said:

Day 1 (May 9th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

I didn't feel anything good or bad from this morning until afternoon. It was when someone told me that I forgot to turn off the lights that I got a sudden burst of negative thoughts, worries, and fears reeling inside my mind. It caused me to cry a little, thinking that I'm all useless for my family and the wider community.

Not long however, out of the blue, God sent me an image of a neon yellow smiley, calming me down. Furthermore, when I asked him twice if I was truly saved, He responded twice to me with a "YES." It was silent comfort in there.

What Did I Do Today?

I woke up at nine in the morning and read several teachings from the Bible for about an hour before eating fried rice for breakfast. Afterwards, I went to watch and accompany my younger cousin playing GTA. About an hour has passed and after turning off the lights that I had forgotten, I went back to bed to give myself a good cry as I mentioned above.

After taking a warm shower and feeling better, I read about dealing with gaming addiction and maladaptive daydreaming (which is not listed as an official mental disorder, but I do believe it is). Within that time, I also talked to my sister about my negative thoughts for a while, called Mom (more like Mom called me first), texted my friend from church, ate a chocolate donut, vacuumed my shared bedroom and bathroom (my sister and I shared the rooms together).

After an hour or two of reading, I went outside to spend time with my younger cousin, but it went pretty awkward since I didn't bring myself up to talk with him. I had dinner on my own, took out the trash, and I did one of my homework for my Early Childhood Education course*. 

 

@BooksandTrees Hi, it's good to be back! How's life for you now?

Life is overall good for me. I've lost about 20 lbs during the quarantine and I almost have the first 2 top abs of my 6 pack showing lol. The virus made me realize I'm not doing what I can to be my best self and sometimes just eating and sleeping right and 30 minutes of exercise can propel you far. So I'm going to try and look a lot more attractive so I can feel better about my self image. I found that when I felt bad about myself was when I relapsed with bad habits more often. 

I've been 3d modeling and animating pokemon for the past month and a half and made a YouTube channel. I got tired of wanting to animate and never doing it. It was breaking my heart honestly so I finally did it and enjoy it now. 

Work's been good and I'm at 81 weeks in a row without gaming. 

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Have you thought about therapy or medications for your negative thoughts? It might be worth looking into. You watched your relative play GTA? I don't know how you guys watch other people game. I always avoid that like it's death.

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 2-3 (May 10th and 11th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

Yesterday, I didn't feel to bad, and today's as well until today's night when I forgot to wipe the bathroom sink.

What Did I Do Today?

Yesterday, I made poached eggs with toast and avocado banana smoothie. It was also Mother's Day, so I said (and texted) to all of my female relatives "Happy Mother's Day." After doing some washing, I read more stories about game addicts. An hour later, I streamed yesterday's sermon (via YouTube), but it was cut short when my sister and I went to the nearby shopping center to buy some McDonald's, snacks, and soap. I also met with my church friends in Zoom, playing "2 Truths and 1 Lie" and "Kahoot," and did my home work before eating dinner. Then I spend the rest of my night calling my mom and watch YouTube videos.

Today, I woke up at around 8:45, and after looking at my phone, I started my online schooling at 9:30 until 11:30. During the break, I also cooked some boiled eggs and ate with fried rice for lunch. After that, I attended the afternoon session from 1 to 3, which I then took a shower and watched YouTube videos afterwards until around 6:30, when I had my dinner. I then watched more YouTube videos when I realized that I forgot to wipe the bathroom sink.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (4).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (3), Reading Erotica (4).

I'm Grateful for...

I still have a family that does care for me, even though I don't talk that much to them.

Replies

@BooksandTrees Impressive! 81 weeks must have been a long time. Keep up with your workout and animating projects. 😊

@Marek Thank you, you too. 😃

@Erik2.0 I do consider speaking with an online counselor, but that is still in question. I'm not really into games like GTA because I'm more into creative, life simulation, and dress-up games (like Minecraft, Harry Potter Mystery, etc.), but I could definitely feel your pain watching that. 😢

Edited by Lea
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Yeah I do my best to stay away from even seeing other people playing or being around gaming consoles at all. I'm just like that. Do you have outlets to take place of gaming? I hear you talking about dress up and figure there's something like that in the real world you could do. Sounds like you had an overall good Mother's Day. I'm glad you're finding good things to do during the quarantine.

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 4 (May 12th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

Although there are times I feel unsure about myself and has bouts of negative thoughts, this day isn't too bad.

What Did I Do Today?

I woke up at almost 9 in the morning, and after I got ready, I had online schooling, which is not really a class in a traditional sense and is more like Study Hall (it's called Assessment Support in my TAFE). After 11:30, I had my lunch and watched YouTube videos (mainly about history cause I love history). When it was almost 1, I opened up my Zoom to attend the afternoon session, which is about culture (in particular Australian Indigenous Culture) and promoting cultural safety in ECE (Early Childhood Education) services. The class ended unexpectedly early and the remaining 20 to 30 minutes were used to ask questions for my upcoming assignments. After that, I took a shower and watched more YouTube videos. I ate dinner at around 6:15 and again watched more YouTube videos. I then browse stories about British royals, especially the ones from the Victorian era.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (0).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (4), Reading Erotica (5).

I'm Grateful for...

Being God's daughter and the fact that He loves and validates me first, despite of what my family and friends may think of me and how I think they may feel about me.

Replies

@Ikar It's good to see you! 😃 How's have your journey been?

@Erik2.0 Interesting idea, I could actually do a mock fashion show. The problem is that no one is interested to play this game. As for quarantine, I've been doing good, but I should find better activities than just browsing and watching YouTube videos. Lol. 😆

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A fashion show sounds fun. It's a good point people won't be doing it with you. Maybe there's some other way. I'm sure you'll find some good things to do other than YouTube. Sounds like you're doing well with your history interest though.

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4 hours ago, Lea said:

@Ikar It's good to see you! 😃 How's have your journey been?

Long, but consistent and satisfactory. Life's been good and I'm happy to be here 🙂

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Day 5-6 (May 13-14th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

Yesterday, it was rough and very hectic. It is also my first time having to stop my contract with my mobile provider, and that could be why. Today, however, I didn't feel too bad compared to yesterday.

What Did I Do Today?

Yesterday, I was having my day when my sister told me about my bank account and why I kept on wasting money on both mobile providers. Scared because of that reminder, I went to the shopping mall to visit the mobile provider branch. After many consultations, live chats, and calls, I finally ended my contract with my old mobile provider. I didn't eat breakfast and lunch and only ate by the evening due to what I dealt with.

Today, I attended two Zoom sessions discussing about a new topic about "Relationships," particularly in the childcare context. After taking a shower, I did my two assignments, turned them in, and then watched "Harry Potter Behind the Scenes" and more history videos on YouTube. An hour later, I ate dinner with my family and went back to my room. I listened shortly to a live-streamed event before talking with my sister. I looked at some more Royal history news and articles before logging in here.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (1).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (6), Reading Erotica (7).

I'm Grateful for...

God's protection, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Replies

@Erik2.0 I am thinking of board games or drawing contests/challenges. Thank you Erik.

@Ikar Great to hear you. Yes, there will always be struggle, but I'm sure you can come out strong.

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Board games can be a good way to socialize and have fun. Drawing contests? You must be really good at drawing. Do you have any YouTube channels or resources to get better at drawing by chance?

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Day 7 (May 15th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

Apart from the few bouts of anxiety when someone knocked on the door and the times I realized that I made my mistakes, I feel definitely better today than the days prior.

What Did I Do Today?

I woke up at 8 in the morning and left the bedroom right away because my sister was using it for studying (she didn't want any distraction) with my phone, headphones, and water bottle. After eating breakfast and turning on the dishwasher, I went to my cousin's play room when my aunt asked me why am I in my room. I told to her the reason, which I thought was awkward at the best and causing misunderstanding at the worst. I went out due to embarrassment and an hour later, I returned to my cousin's play room to have my counselling appointment via Zoom.

After it was over, I took out the clean plates from the dishwasher and had my lunch. I spent the next hour looking at my phone, eating some fruit from the days before, before editing and peer reviewing my sister's assignment. I took my shower, made myself a banana smoothie, browsed some more, texted mom, and watching my cousin's YouTube on Apple TV with him. Then dinner comes and I asked my aunt for toothpaste in a rather awkward and nervous manner. Afterwards, I had a Zoom meet-up with my church friends. We talked about the Holy Spirit and why, as believers, it is very important to have that. Recently, I had a chat with my sister before she went to bed after that and texted mom more about my day (actually my mistakes).

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (1), Calling/Talking with People (2).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (7), Reading Erotica (8).

I'm Grateful for...

The opportunities that God has given to grow close in this quarantine, even though I take it for granted too many times.

Replies

@chiliflavor Hello Chili, it's nice to see you! How are you? Is this your first day? The numbers mean days that I've done/not done them, depending on the habit.

@Erik2.0 I only watch some drawing and art YouTube videos, like Draw with Jazza and Fun2Draw. (P.S. - One of my hobbies is drawing.) 

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5 hours ago, Lea said:

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (7), Reading Erotica (8).

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@chiliflavor Hello Chili, it's nice to see you! How are you? Is this your first day? The numbers mean days that I've done/not done them, depending on the habit.

Yes, I'm new here, around 1 week old. Haha. I sometimes find myself reading erotic manga before! HAHA!

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9 hours ago, Lea said:

@Erik2.0 I only watch some drawing and art YouTube videos, like Draw with Jazza and Fun2Draw. (P.S. - One of my hobbies is drawing.) 

Thanks for the recommendations I subscribed to them. Looks like there might be some good learning there. Drawings a nice hobby. Did you learn to draw somewhere or are you one of those people who are just somehow good at drawing? I think that's a thing. It's cool that you're practicing your faith. God bless you.

Edited by Erik2.0
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Days 0 (May 16-17th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

Yesterday, I didn't not feel particularly and strongly good or bad other than the time I accidentally ate my cousin's food. Today was not that bad until in the evening when I became somewhat of an emotional wreck, first after making a mistake of eating my cousin's food (again) and second after the emotional call with my mother and sister (explained below).

What Did I Do Today?

For yesterday, I did not do much apart from cleaning my desk space and bookshelves and vacuuming and mopping the floor. After that, I watched some more YouTube videos, and after dinner, my cousin wanted to play Minecraft (the "oh no" moment) with me and my sister. At first, I was like "no, you are doing your 90-day detox and you just can't give up like that," but after a few thoughts, I gave in. So I played with them until it was bedtime. (P.S. - I actually browsed first before sleeping.)

I woke up very late today (it was almost 10). After having my breakfast, I listened to the sermon about Holy Spirit via YouTube. After that, I played MInecraft again with my cousin and sister. Some time later, I took a shower and then ate my lunch. That was also when I "accidentally" ate my cousin's food, as my aunt pointed out when it was too late. Frustrated at making the same mistake, I returned to my room and cried over it, thinking over what I should have done. About half an hour later, I called my mom and told her about my mistake. My sister came in, each of us not having a clue that our mother was about to get angry over something. Long story short, I carried on the call to the bathroom so that my sister could calm herself down. After that, I went outside, watching the Simpsons with my cousin and later having chicken satay for dinner. With all that done, my sister and I talked about our mother said to both of us and what she was mad about.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (1).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (0), Reading Erotica (10).

I'm Grateful for...

The fact that God is bigger than my fears and weaknesses.

Replies

@chiliflavor Good, I'm hoping for the best luck for you. 1 week is already great. 😃

@Erik2.0 People did say that my drawings are good, but I also had drawing lessons when I was young. For now, I taught myself to draw certain drawings, mostly from the Internet.

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I'm sorry you stumbled on the quitting path. It's okay though. Even though you may stumble I encourage you to keep on walking. I went back to gaming after completing my first 90 day detox thinking I might be able to moderate. After that I realized moderation wasn't going to work for me. So I recommitted to quitting and now I'm at 5 months. It's a long journey, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. 

I'm sorry your mom got mad at you. I don't like when people get mad at me. I hope that all works out okay for you and your sister. Chicken satay sounds good. Yum. With peanut sauce. I wonder if I could find somewhere to take drawing lessons too.

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 1 (May 18th, 2020)

How Are You Feeling?

I didn't have strong feelings for the earlier parts of the day, but I felt not just bad at dinner. I felt guilt, shame, sadness (for both myself and my aunt), and anger (for myself) for repeating the same mistakes and not using common sense.

What Did I Do Today?

Other than attending my two Zoom sessions as usual, it was not an eventful day. I also drew "Ice Scream Man" for my cousin and helped my sister with her cover letter. However, when dinner time came, my aunt called both me and my sister to talk about our mistakes and how she was not happy with it. Don't get me wrong with this, but I have some persisting bad habits that she loathes (like spending too much time on my phone and not being aware of my surroundings). Long story short, she scolded me for being spoiled and not changing (in a positive way). Hours later, I tried to help with my sister, but I was too sleepy for that. So I called my mother and talked about why my aunt scolded me and the things I could do to fix my habits and then I helped with my sister a bit before sleeping.

Habit Tracker

Good: Reading Bible (0), Exercising (0), Doing Chores (0), Calling/Talking with People (2).

Bad: Not Being Aware (0), Gaming (1), Reading Erotica (0).

I'm Grateful for...

The people, like my aunt, who scold me and still stay with me because they care. Not going to lie, it hurts, but there are bad habits I need to prune, much like trees needed to be pruned from their bad fruits.

Replies

@chiliflavor The music is nice, thank you. 😊

@Erik2.0 True, thank you for your kind words. 😄 Mom is actually not really mad at me, but just emotional.

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You're welcome. Glad you're here. Sounds like your aunt is on your case somewhat. Although it's also good that they're trying to help you improve. I guess my mom can be like that too sometimes when she sees an area of my life that she wants me to do better in. Sometimes she can be too harsh and I ask her to be nicer to me when trying to help me change for the better. She does work with me on whatever I ask her to. 

Edited by Erik2.0
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