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ceponatia

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Tax return came today. Paying off allllll of my debt like planned (aside from student). I'll try to save a little for some fun but at the end of the day, having no monthly payments on anything will leave me with a lot more fun money anyway. Also nice to know that I won't be spending a dime on games or game-related products.

Planned out a modular synth build last night and then found an app (which is 😮 a bit like a game) which teaches you finger drumming on sample pads. It's a lot of fun and I've already noticed an improvement in my timing and coordination. It's just like those crappy phone piano games (which don't actually teach you anything because they're on a phone) but since you're using a hardware controller with it, it's like learning an instrument. Excited.

Edited by ceponatia

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Been a couple days. I've had a pretty bad end to my week, unfortunately. We had a bad snowstorm Wednesday night and Thursday morning. On my way to work I slid on some black ice and crashed into another car. Did no damage to theirs and just had a crack on my bumper so we decided to not get insurance involved (don't need my rate going up $600 for the next 3 years). Took it to the shop because it's a lease so I have to get it fixed and A FREAKING BUMPER COSTS $2000.

Coincidentally that is exactly the amount of money I paid to get out of debt, so now I'm going back into debt just as much as I was... like I made no progress at all. I was really depressed and beat up over it yesterday but I'm better now. It's just money and I'll pay it off again eventually. I'm just sick of the endless cycle of interest payments and recurring loans (complicated but basically I have to take out a $1000 loan every time I get paid because it has to be paid with every check.. and it's my entire check).

The really shitty part is my lease is up in a few months and now I won't even have enough money to get a new one. I'm going to have to buy some rusty beat up piece of shit and fall back into that trap of having my starter and alternator replaced every 6 months like when I was younger. I'm not depressed anymore, I'm pissed off. But it is what it is.

On the bright side my piano lessons start in 2 days. I hope my car will be fixed by then.

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Sick today. Flu I think. Just gonna binge watch the new season of Altered Carbon and if the medicine I took makes my head stop vibrating I might play some music for a bit. Don't have a car right now anyway so there's not much else I can do in this state.

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10 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Sick today. Flu I think. Just gonna binge watch the new season of Altered Carbon and if the medicine I took makes my head stop vibrating I might play some music for a bit. Don't have a car right now anyway so there's not much else I can do in this state.

Hope you feel better. Don't spread any germs at that piano lesson!

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Leaving for first piano lesson in a few minutes. 😄 Feeling much better, the illness seems to have passed. Still don't have a car; hopefully they'll at least call me to update me tomorrow. If not I'll call them Wednesday. Didn't go to work today because I have tons of PTO and it was just too much of a hassle to organize a ride to and from work (it'd have to be two different people). Tomorrow I'm going to a different building for training and it's close to home so that'll be easier.

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Had a great time! My teacher is a guy my age and although he's incredibly socially awkward, we get along well and he really knows what he's talking about (plays like 12 different instruments fluently). I have some homework for the rest of the week and was able to skip a lot of the first part of the book because of all the self-teaching I was attempting previously. Very optimistic! Time to open up Studio One and play some melodies.

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That must be awesome to have a lot of PTO I would love that. First I'd have to save up though. I heard learning music can be a door opener socially. Are you a part of any music groups aside from your tutoring which sounds like it's going well.

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4 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

That must be awesome to have a lot of PTO I would love that. First I'd have to save up though. I heard learning music can be a door opener socially. Are you a part of any music groups aside from your tutoring which sounds like it's going well.

Nope, not yet. I've looked on meetup but there's nothing local, unfortunately. It's still early in the process, I'm sure it will lead to good things in that department!

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I don't really have a lot to say most days, just letting people know I'm still here, still doing well. A big package full of stuff I bought for my studio arrived yesterday and now I'm almost 100% ready to start earnestly recording. It's exciting, I've never had this much genuine audio equipment before, I always just half-assed it. All the money I'm saving from not buying games really comes in handy lol.

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On 3/6/2020 at 8:14 AM, ceponatia said:

I don't really have a lot to say most days, just letting people know I'm still here, still doing well. A big package full of stuff I bought for my studio arrived yesterday and now I'm almost 100% ready to start earnestly recording. It's exciting, I've never had this much genuine audio equipment before, I always just half-assed it. All the money I'm saving from not buying games really comes in handy lol.

That's fantastic. Talk about the kinds of things you'll be producing if you want. I'd be interested in learning about your new activity.

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Good idea, @BooksandTrees.

So after some difficulties with my new equipment (my studio monitors didn't come with the cables required to plug them into any audio interface which is strange considering that's what they're for) I ordered a bunch of cables from Amazon and was able to wire everything up. I'm still having trouble with my synthesizer because its audio is extremely quiet in the interface. I have to play what I want, hoping it sounds right, and then normalize the volume afterward so that it's hearable. Looking for solutions online.

Spent a good 3 hours yesterday putting together a minimal techno song. Not what I want to make long term but it's good practice and I learned a few things about my software and instruments in the process. Right now it's just a bunch of patterns, nothing that could be recorded and listened to. Once I get that worked out, I'll post it. 

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Tried, unsuccessfully, to write a blog post three times this morning but I'm just not feeling it. The topic I'm trying to tackle (my own history with racism and sexism) is too broad for 7am.

I deleted my Reddit and Twitter accounts last week and severely trimmed my Instagram account down to just close friends. I don't post on Instagram but sometimes use it to check in on my friends. Reddit was starting to get to me again... too many sniveling little shits on that platform masking their self-hatred as opinions (hey it's a platform mostly populated by game addicts what can I expect? lmao).

Social media really makes me want to just sever contact with society but I know that people don't behave that way in the real world. They know they'd get punched in the face too often. Is that a good thing though? Social media has unlocked the door to allow us to see what people are really like when nobody is looking and I don't know if society can ever shut that door again. Part of the reason "the nation is so divided" is because we are all, when you strip away the fake smiles and virtue signalling, trash.

Maybe I'll try to not be one of those people for a bit. Not just when nobody is looking, but period.

Edited by ceponatia
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9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

The topic I'm trying to tackle (my own history with racism and sexism) is too broad for 7am.

You are damn right. Take your time with it, especially since it is a sensitive topic. Still, I am excited to read it. Please share a link as soon as you post it.

I was never remotely attracted by Reddit but from what I saw there you have a point. I even think it is not only the haters who post there. It is also the decent people who would never consider sharing anything in that shit storm.

Edited by Captain_Pilz
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14 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Tried, unsuccessfully, to write a blog post three times this morning but I'm just not feeling it. The topic I'm trying to tackle (my own history with racism and sexism) is too broad for 7am.

I deleted my Reddit and Twitter accounts last week and severely trimmed my Instagram account down to just close friends. I don't post on Instagram but sometimes use it to check in on my friends. Reddit was starting to get to me again... too many sniveling little shits on that platform masking their self-hatred as opinions (hey it's a platform mostly populated by game addicts what can I expect? lmao).

Social media really makes me want to just sever contact with society but I know that people don't behave that way in the real world. They know they'd get punched in the face too often. Is that a good thing though? Social media has unlocked the door to allow us to see what people are really like when nobody is looking and I don't know if society can ever shut that door again. Part of the reason "the nation is so divided" is because we are all, when you strip away the fake smiles and virtue signalling, trash.

Maybe I'll try to not be one of those people for a bit. Not just when nobody is looking, but period.

Something I don't always mention is I quit social media 2 weeks before quitting video games. So as I am 72 weeks free from gaming, I'm also 74 weeks free from social media. My anger has subsided immensely from quitting it. It's a distract and bad. Some nights I would purposely go read comments that I knew would piss me off and just yell at the people writing them. It's not worth it.

I think all humans need a degree of separation from other humans. This doesn't always include family and friends, but really, you need to stay away from people for certain portions of the day or week. It's so important to collect oneself and not get involved with others. It has really helped me.

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18 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:

You are damn right. Take your time with it, especially since it is a sensitive topic. Still, I am excited to read it. Please share a link as soon as you post it.

I was never remotely attracted by Reddit but from what I saw there you have a point. I even think it is not only the haters who post there. It is also the decent people who would never consider sharing anything in that shit storm.

You're right. It's been a topic I've tried to write about many times but end up shelving it because I can never get it to sound right. There are just so many layers to life, it's difficult to express everything that goes into a situation.

I agree about Reddit, too. Like I mostly went to the music production subs and I always got the feeling that the people pretending to be experts were liars. Nobody who is great at writing music spends that much time on Reddit.

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Something I don't always mention is I quit social media 2 weeks before quitting video games. So as I am 72 weeks free from gaming, I'm also 74 weeks free from social media. My anger has subsided immensely from quitting it. It's a distract and bad. Some nights I would purposely go read comments that I knew would piss me off and just yell at the people writing them. It's not worth it.

I think all humans need a degree of separation from other humans. This doesn't always include family and friends, but really, you need to stay away from people for certain portions of the day or week. It's so important to collect oneself and not get involved with others. It has really helped me.

I quit all social media right after getting out of rehab and definitely felt better. I've maintained most of that for the last year and a half but I rejoined Reddit because I was lonely. Then I joined Twitter for some weird reason even knowing it is a shithole, lol. But you're right it's so much better to just leave those people to their misery and live your own life. In 5 years we'll have grown significantly as humans and they'll still be arguing about Minecraft and whoever the president is. Lol

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1 hour ago, ceponatia said:

You're right. It's been a topic I've tried to write about many times but end up shelving it because I can never get it to sound right. There are just so many layers to life, it's difficult to express everything that goes into a situation.

It depends on your writing style, but I generally spend about an hour on a paragraph that is four or five lines long, both thinking it up and actually writing it. It's not easy by any means to find time for writing.

1 hour ago, ceponatia said:

I quit all social media right after getting out of rehab and definitely felt better. I've maintained most of that for the last year and a half but I rejoined Reddit because I was lonely. Then I joined Twitter for some weird reason even knowing it is a shithole, lol. But you're right it's so much better to just leave those people to their misery and live your own life. In 5 years we'll have grown significantly as humans and they'll still be arguing about Minecraft and whoever the president is. Lol

I cleansed my FB and now there are only two ways I use it:

1) find events I could physically go to (I already established the weekly ones, but I still spend about half an hour during the weekend when I am planning my next week, searching if there are some one-timers as well)

2) organize myself and others to physically go somewhere

That's it. No cat videos, no hot models, no narcissists in my feed.

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Work was interesting. Someone showed me a YouTube video of "4Chan bedrooms" which were basically what you'd expect to see on the show Hoarders. It's not surprising that internet trolls, incels, and "hardcore gamers" live in abject filth. What was surprising was my coworkers' comment...

"And some people think that having a couple bottles, a sock, and a plate on their floor is dirty!" WHAT?! Why would you have empty bottles and a plate on your floor? What kind of person finishes drinking something and then just chucks it on their bedroom floor? More than that... who even eats in their bedroom? I get if you're younger and live with your parents, your whole life is in your bedroom... but as an adult it's very sad.

But I digress. I feel like cleaning my kitchen now. Lol

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I got inspired by the filthy hoarder bedrooms that I saw yesterday and while it's true that my house is pretty clean, I let my closet and desk drawers get a little unruly so I did a much needed purge. There were some clothes that I am not interested in anymore that I'm donating and a lot of paperwork that's no longer relevant that I pitched. I also cleaned up my digital life. I've used Lastpass for a few years and love it but I kept ignoring the warnings that almost all of my passwords use the same, fairly easy to crack password that I've used for a decade. So last night I took two hours and went through changing all of those passwords and closing old accounts when possible. A little anal, maybe, but it feels good knowing that every account I have is protected by a password that would take longer than the heat death of the universe for even the fastest computer in the world to crack.

That sparked one of the best mornings I've had in a long time, too. Made my bed, went through my whole bathroom routine with facial scrub, moisturizer, and all that jazz. I have about $200 worth of products I bought from Brickell that I almost never use and the only way they work is if you use them consistently so I'm going to make an effort moving forward. I used their eye rejuvenator for about a month when I first got the stuff and for once I actually looked like I slept 8 hours. I always sleep 7-8 hours but I just genetically look tired 24/7, lol.

There's always work to be done but I'm getting back to that philosophy I had when I first got out of rehab... the only way things get fixed in the world is if people who notice them fix them. I'm applying that in my own small way in my personal life right now to just get my house in order. It's difficult because my mother is absolutely filthy and my brother is a self-obsessed alcoholic who sits in the living room in his underwear surrounded by dishes and empty bottles all day, but I'll try. Honestly if it weren't for me, my family probably would live in one of those 4Chan houses. It's one of the reasons I'm so clean... I grew up in an environment where every flat surface was seen as a place to pile garbage and dirty dishes.

And my mother is obsessed with washing hands because of Coronavirus... it's fucking hilarious.

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11 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

There's always work to be done but I'm getting back to that philosophy I had when I first got out of rehab... the only way things get fixed in the world is if people who notice them fix them. I'm applying that in my own small way in my personal life right now to just get my house in order. It's difficult because my mother is absolutely filthy and my brother is a self-obsessed alcoholic who sits in the living room in his underwear surrounded by dishes and empty bottles all day, but I'll try. Honestly if it weren't for me, my family probably would live in one of those 4Chan houses. It's one of the reasons I'm so clean... I grew up in an environment where every flat surface was seen as a place to pile garbage and dirty dishes.

And my mother is obsessed with washing hands because of Coronavirus... it's fucking hilarious.

I may have missed that at some point, but what kind of rehab did you go to?

Did you ever consider living on your own or with a some of people that you'd like better? I'm 22 and I enjoy living on my own immensely, even though it's cheap university dorms with 80s socialist furniture 😄

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51 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I may have missed that at some point, but what kind of rehab did you go to?

Did you ever consider living on your own or with a some of people that you'd like better? I'm 22 and I enjoy living on my own immensely, even though it's cheap university dorms with 80s socialist furniture 😄

I went to rehab for alcohol addiction about two years ago after battling alcoholism for 15 years. 😮 I had tried quitting on my own pretty much the whole 15 years and for some reason rehab just "cured" me. I actually quit all my bad habits in rehab... stopped gaming, stopped biting my nails, stopped eating poorly... and then slowly some of those ones came back out of boredom lol. That's why I'm here!

I have lived on my own in the past... as I said a bit above I used to live in Phoenix and LA making over $100,000 a year but it was not sustainable with my alcoholism and gaming. The dream is of course to live on my own again but I'm not able to financially. I theoretically could do it, but I'd be living check to check again and I don't want to go back to that life lol. Roommates are kind of out of the question because Detroit is a pretty sketchy area for that. Lol. I did it when I was younger and was frequently robbed, abused, etc.

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2 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I went to rehab for alcohol addiction about two years ago after battling alcoholism for 15 years. 😮 I had tried quitting on my own pretty much the whole 15 years and for some reason rehab just "cured" me. I actually quit all my bad habits in rehab... stopped gaming, stopped biting my nails, stopped eating poorly... and then slowly some of those ones came back out of boredom lol. That's why I'm here!

Damn. It sure isn't easy to learn to regulate oneself, but I guess everybody on this forum knows that.

2 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I have lived on my own in the past... as I said a bit above I used to live in Phoenix and LA making over $100,000 a year but it was not sustainable with my alcoholism and gaming. The dream is of course to live on my own again but I'm not able to financially. I theoretically could do it, but I'd be living check to check again and I don't want to go back to that life lol. Roommates are kind of out of the question because Detroit is a pretty sketchy area for that. Lol. I did it when I was younger and was frequently robbed, abused, etc.

I hope it works out for you again at some point, so you don't have to sacrifice your mental health for money.

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Honestly the hardest part about this whole coronavirus thing is listening to all the old bitches I work with spread blatantly false information to each other. Negative day in general. The new-ish hire who is supposed to work our switchboard is out sick again (pretty sure she's a drunk) so now I have to cover a 2 hour block of deadbeat fathers and broke mothers asking the same damn questions over and over.

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1 hour ago, ceponatia said:

Honestly the hardest part about this whole coronavirus thing is listening to all the old bitches I work with spread blatantly false information to each other. Negative day in general. The new-ish hire who is supposed to work our switchboard is out sick again (pretty sure she's a drunk) so now I have to cover a 2 hour block of deadbeat fathers and broke mothers asking the same damn questions over and over.

That sucks man. Here are some puppies swimming for the first time to help cheer you up a bit. https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/fhae32/some_puppies_swimming_for_the_first_time/

Edited by Phoenixking
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