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Positive: nomast 2day

Well last night I engaged in a lot of sexual visualization but did not masturbate. Gonna work on not visualizing tonight. Hopefully that goes well. Just working on being as clean as possible from sexual immorality. Not looking or thinking about women in a sexual/lustful way.

My mom's been telling me literally like 24/7 about her business. Every deal she has on sale and is making and how everything went and what the customers are like. Literally like every deal non stop every time. I can't get a moments peace. Watch tv or read a book without her constantly interrupting me to tell me that some customer is coming to pick up a lamp. Like really. That's great she's making money. But I don't need to know about every 5-15$ item that she sells to someone. I need my alone time for God's sake. So I told her to not tell me about her business so much today. And she said okay lmk if you want me to talk even less in the future about it. Yeah. Really bothersome day yesterday listening to her blather on about her nonsense all day. So tired of it. She literally does not stop talking about it from the moment I see her in the morning to the moment I leave her presence at night.

Anyways. She'll stop. Even if I have to ask again. I totally gave up on not eating animal products. That was a total joke. I need to eat meat or I feel like I'm gonna faint. I still feel tired I could use some more meat tbh. My lips have been chapped for months and no amount of chapstick is fixing it. Just gotta deal with chapped lips I guess. I'm off meds and it's going reasonably well. I just don't know when or if the somnolence will wear off. I see the orthopedist tomorrow. I feel like they aren't gonna be able to do anything to help me. They'll just be like, yeah don't use it until it stops hurting. Useful experts that they are. I can't even do a corpse pose. It hurts the knee to just lie there on the floor for some reason. It's gotten pretty bad. Well. I'm gonna force myself to watch TV and I'll do my push pull days still so that's something. Two days a week to get a little exercise in. Meditation is up to 44 minutes a day. That's cool.

I smiled at meditation

I accomplished not jacking off

I am grateful for meditation, abstinence, purity, chastity, cleanliness, celibacy, relationships, salt, pink sea, and dish soap

God bless

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Positive: Practicing mindfulness

Well my knee seems to be worse than when it got injured. It's been hurting more and more since the injury. I don't know if the ortho will help at all, but I hope they can tell me something that will aid in the recovery process. I've been practicing more mindfulness informally because it seems to help the knee hurt less. So I'm kind of meditating while I write this now even. Got 5 sessions and a dr appt today. It's a full day. I've been getting bothered by my mom's customers talking to me. I gotta make a vow to ignore them all as much as possible. I'm not gonna answer the door for her customers and sell them crap anymore either. I don't want to do that and it hurts me to do so. If they're early and my mom's on the way home frmo somewhere, they can wait out in their cars till she gets back I'm not showing them crap early. No. Meh. Work is work. Just try to get it done and over with as quickly as possible. Never more than a 53 minute session.

I smiled at pikachu

I accomplished getting through the night without much of any lustful thoughts

I am grateful for the flash, mindfulness, bible, god, jesus, holy spirit, mother mary, books I can read, journal, and visualizing doing yoga.

God bless

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Positive: My knee hurts a little less today I think

I'm not entirely sure if it hurts less or I'm just imagining things. But my knee really does seem to hurt less today than it did yesterday. I wasn't aching all night like I did the night before. Maybe it actually does have a chance of recovery without surgery. Still waiting on that MRI though. I might be waiting for a while, hopefully sooner than later though. I'm not really able to exercise right now due to the knee and another forearm injury I got ironically by doing physical therapy for the wrist. But I'm not letting that stop me from exercising (in some form). I read that visualizing exercise can actually help your body heal faster and improve your ability to do said exercise in real life once you're able to do it again. So I'm sitting on the couch and spending time visualizing doing yoga. I did 15 minutes yesterday. Today I might go for 30. It's odd to not do it with my actualy body. But interestingly enough I actually feel like I've done yoga that day when I visualize. It's pretty cool and I think it'll help keep me from getting depressed from the lack of movement.

I smiled at yoga mat black pro manduka

I accomplished meditating on a drishti

I am grateful for meditation, drishti, breath, body, yoga, mat, manduka, pro, black, and furniture.

God bless

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Positive: I have a new appreciation for The Flash.

I dunno if it's my favorite show but it's definitely top three with Supergirl and DC's Legends. I tried to watch Superman yesterday. Got through 4 episodes. And like. I was getting severe chills while watching it. And they didn't really go away all night. So I guess I'm not gonna watch that show anymore. It was a great show though, really enjoyed watching it. Darn. I couldn't read 4 pages of the bible without getting a headache. But I'm gonna try for 2. If I can just read 2 pages a day I could finish the bible again in two years. That would be nice to at least still be continuing to read through it in it's totality.

I guess my knee is doing better. It hurts a little less. But it doesn't seem to be improving much. It just doesn't hurt so bad when I sit. But when I move or stand it hurts. I dunno if that's gonna go away or I'm gonna need surguery. But I'm cautiously optimistic about surgery going well. It's like day 3 with no exercise. I feel pretty like. A lot less motivated and easier to get stressed. I'm still trying to do something to get a little exercise in without hurting my knee though. So. Wish me luck. Hope the day goes okay. Got a full six hour day today. Which is still less than 8. I like going to work and earning money. It makes me happy to look at the numbers go up when I clock my hours at the end of the day. Makes me want to work more hours so I can earn more but I don't want to burn myself out especially because I have so little time for self care with my somnolence. No progress on that but at least I haven't felt so tired this week as I did last week.

I smiled at flash

I accomplished eating turkey

I am grateful for flash, turkey, superspeed, speedsters, dr wells, caitlin snow, cisco ramon, henry allen, nora allen, nora west allen,

God bless

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Positive: It's the weekend baby yeah. Awesome.

Well. I know it sucks in a way to not have my knee working and be out of commission for pretty much all forms of exercise as they all involved having to stand and move around. But the good news is I have lots of time to meditate and watch TV. My mom's out all day so I can peacefully listen to the TV talk in the quietude of my own home. So nice. Yeah. Gonna enjoy the crap out of this TV and meditation time. I feel like I can still get some of the benefits of yoga just form visualizing it. Definitely not getting the same benefits as doing it physically but I think it's better than nothing.

I have been struggling a lot with sexual thoughts. My mind keeps thinking about sexual thoughts like all the time. Especially at night. It's craving them more intensely. Maybe because I'm not masturbating and it's my first 7 days on this streak so my mind is like going nuts without it. Masturbation is a pretty difficult addiction to quit it seems. But I made it to day 6 so, that's good. I have a rule, if I get so tempted that I'm gonna do it in bed which is the only place it happens lately I will get out of bed and do something else rather than give in to masturbating. It's working. I was about to do it and then I was like okay time to get out of bed, no I don't wanna get out I'll just not masturbate then so I can lay here. And that's what I did. It worked. Also I'm practicing mindfulness to try to stop thinking about sex. That's working but them my mind wanders back to it and I gotta come back to the breath. Yeah. It's a work in progress but I hope that I can continue quitting.

I smiled at grass

I accomplished pooping

I am grateful for swans, grass, BM's, flowers, stone paths, well, cherry blossom, tree, pink sky, smoke, cloud, green,

God bless

 

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9 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Well. I know it sucks in a way to not have my knee working and be out of commission for pretty much all forms of exercise as they all involved having to stand and move around. But the good news is I have lots of time to meditate and watch TV. My mom's out all day so I can peacefully listen to the TV talk in the quietude of my own home. So nice. Yeah. Gonna enjoy the crap out of this TV and meditation time. I feel like I can still get some of the benefits of yoga just form visualizing it. Definitely not getting the same benefits as doing it physically but I think it's better than nothing.

I have been struggling a lot with sexual thoughts. My mind keeps thinking about sexual thoughts like all the time. Especially at night. It's craving them more intensely. Maybe because I'm not masturbating and it's my first 7 days on this streak so my mind is like going nuts without it. Masturbation is a pretty difficult addiction to quit it seems. But I made it to day 6 so, that's good. I have a rule, if I get so tempted that I'm gonna do it in bed which is the only place it happens lately I will get out of bed and do something else rather than give in to masturbating. It's working. I was about to do it and then I was like okay time to get out of bed, no I don't wanna get out I'll just not masturbate then so I can lay here. And that's what I did. It worked. Also I'm practicing mindfulness to try to stop thinking about sex. That's working but them my mind wanders back to it and I gotta come back to the breath. Yeah. It's a work in progress but I hope that I can continue quitting.

Sorry about the knee, hopefully you're able to get around to exercise again soon. I'm glad though the visualization yoga/exercise has been working for you, that seems like a hard thing to do, I probably wouldn't be able to do it. On the topic of masturbation, nice job on finding one of your triggers (laying in bed), that plan sounds like it will help. You should think of other things that trigger you towards masturbation and sexual thoughts and how to combat them.

Best 

Jason 

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@Jason70Yeah it's okay. Just a bad break I guess. Might be three months till I'm exercising again. Time to get used to sitting. Visualizing is going okay we'll see how that turns out. Masturbating was going okay but yesterday I broke my streak. It was in the last like 1 minute before I got out of bed too. I have a new plan of how to stop masturbating and combat the thoughts like you said. Read on

Positive: I have a new plan to beat masturbation

So I relapsed on mast yesterday. That sucks, but I have a new plan to do better this next streak. The plan is. If I hump my mattress 3 times I have to get out of bed to cool down. If I hump it 4 times that counts as a relapse. If I think about doing anything past kissing a girl with no tongue or giving a girl a hug then I have to meditate on God until the sexual thoughts pass. I may just tighten that rule up even more and say if I think of making any physical contact with a girl I have to meditate on God until the thoughts go away. that's probably the safest thing to do you know. Stay as far away from teh fire as possible if you don't want to get burned. So I'll work with these more strict boundaries and rules and see how it goes. I'm cautiously optimistic about it.

I have been able to successfully not masturbate using my hands. It's just humping the mattress that gets me. So hence the 3 humps 4 humps rule. Yep. Wish me luck. The thoughts always come in the morning right before it's time to get up out of bed. So that's the time to meditate on God. When the thoughts come.

I smiled at new plan

I accomplished living

I am grateful for new plan, life, God, meditating on God, mat, floor, visualize, pants, boxers and meditation.

God bless

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Positive: Supergirl Season 601 comes out tomorrow.

Hooray it is here. Tomorrow I will attempt to watch Supergirl 601 the first episode of the new and final season. Ah Supergirl is like one of my favorite shows. I'll be very happy if I'm able to watch it. Watching The Flash S7 has been great. There's a new episode of that on Wednesday. So I get two awesome shows to watch a new episode of this week. What a great week. Yay, thank God. The more time passes without much of a discernible difference in my knee's healing the more I think I'm gonna have to get surgery. Honestly I just want to get the MRI done already and get surgery or not. Waiting around sucks. I want to get back on my yoga mat asap. My eyes have been getting kind of red because I'm watching much more TV now that I can't really walk or stand. It's uh. It's life I guess. I'm working on doing push pull 6 days a week. Because there isn't anything else I can do physically. So I'm gonna try to just do a lot of push ups crunches and pull ups. We'll see how that goes.

It's a new week. Very close to that next paycheck at the end of the month so that's cool. I'm getting closer to 25 hours a week too. Then I'll be making some decent coin. I just hope and pray that I am able to continue doing my job for a good 20-30 years until my career is done.

I smiled at the atom

I accomplished praying

I am grateful for atom, prayer, meditating of God, god, oxford, college rule, notebooks, drawing, art, coloring

God bless

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Positive: Supergirl 601 out today

Yes today is the day. We shall see how Kara and the band are doing in their final epic season of the six. It's too bad it's come to an end. We had a good run supergirl. But six was all that we could muster. The ratings just were not doing so well and Melissa Benoist wanted to go do other things. So one of my favorite shows had to end. Alas. At least we got six. My slow increase of meditation is happening. I'm up to 50 minutes a day this week and I'll go up 5 minutes a week until I hit 60 and probably just maintain from there. I'm trying to push for more yoga visualization because I need to do something to get off the TV. I'm on it so much, ah. So the goal is 30 minutes of yoga vis today. I'm also doing like 4 chair yoga poses I found online to do. Wish I could find more, but the 4 I have are a help. Nice to move for once. Did push ups and dips and crunches yesterday so that's good. It's not even close to as calming as a good 40 minute yoga session was but it's better than nothing I suppose.

I smiled at chinese

I accomplished being nice to mom

I am grateful for chinese, mom, being nice, good energy, holy spirit, kindness, calm, thoughtfulness, caring, and understanding.

God bless

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Positive: Okay actually Supergirl and The Flash come out with new episodes today.

I thought it was yesterday but it's today on cwtv.com. Get your adblocker setup if you want to watch on there. I'm so stoked. Yeah. Awesome woo hoo. New episodes of my favorite shows. Yay. Thank God. I have a full 6 session day today plus editing to do. So I don't know if I'll have any time to watch my shows. Maybe on lunch break I can watch a partial episode. Definitely excited to see the shows in their most recent form. Yep. Since being off meds I've felt a bit more energetic although that's also partially due to semen retention I'm sure. Also I've been feeling less hungry. I might reduce my breakfast by one egg.

I smiled at new shows

I accomplished eating breakfast

I am grateful for new shows, breakfast, reduction, weight loss, exercise, headset, sand, nice people, good energy and my working hands.

God bless

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Positive: Day 4 of no masturbating

So yeah. That's pretty good for me. It's been a tough 4 days but I seem to be getting on decently well. This morning was exceptionally difficult. I was having thoughts of sex. I'm planning to practice my meditation to try and manage those thoughts. So I don't stay on them. Yep. Just hope I can find a way to continue staying off the masturbation. Even in my last 6 day streak I was feeling like the semen retention was building my energy and confidence. I felt more positive and happier. I want to feel like that all the time. I want to stay off mast.

Just two clients today because it's the off week for group sup. But next week I have to do 4 hours supervision. Ah. So much. Last week Friday sup was very uncomfortable I hope this weeks is better. More bearable. We'll see. I'm thinking of joining planet fitness to use the treadmill. I want to find out if they have push up bars/paralettes. Had my first 6 client day where they all showed up yesterday. How about that.

I smiled at my slippers

I accomplished meditating

I am grateful for slippers, meditation, Adidas, clients, money, new episodes every wednesday, tv, soundbar, hdmi, and Supergirl ofc.

God bless

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Positive: made it through the night day 5 nomas

 

Spoiler

Uh. I was thinking about a co worker and like I had erections all night and thoughts about sex with her. It was the most difficult night to get through without masturbating. Probably gonna try not to think about her going forward. Especially not doing kissing or other sexual things. I made it through though. I figure a habit builds in 30 days so once I've hit the 30 day mark it'll get easier to stay off the mas.

My acne has gotten worse and worse lately. Idk what it is. I was on antibiotics for my back acne and it helped that a bit but my face acne got worse. So Idk what's causing it. I just hope it gets better. Maybe it's because I'm not getting cardio or yoga in anymore? Darn.

I smiled at the Gideons

I accomplished bringing down a new blanket to the couch

I am grateful for Gideons, new blanket, couch, brown, beige, warm, feet, socks, shows, meditation, Lexus

God bless

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Positive: nomas day 6

Well, I seem to be able to control my physical body from not masturbating. However, I am really struggling with thoughts of girls. Triggering thoughts. Wiki How said to try and imagine myself at church annd to make a commitment so that's an idea. I'm trying to practice meditation with mouth closed and open. Because when I sleep I have my mouth open so maybe I can get used to controlling thoughts in that facial position and conquer them. I made a commitment to keep resisting the thoughts and trying to control my thinking and body until I die. To never give up and laways keep trying to stay stopped with the masturbation.

In other news. Kaiser takes forever to get you specialty doctor services so I have to wait 3 weeks just to get an MRI. Not to mention it'll probably be even more time till I can get the actual surgery. So I can get used to not practicing yoga with my physical body and watching TV with most of my free time. I'm trying to do push ups pull ups and abs like every day mixed up. But my shoulder's messed up. They're gonna MRI that too. If I could get surgery and be able to do normal push ups again with no long term side effects that would be a huge blessing. I wouldn't do any new exercises or dangerous stuff with the barbells that got me injured in the first place. I'd mostly just do yoga and try to maintain that for life without injury.

I'm kind of teetering on being celebate because my attempts at finding a wife have been so dismal. I just don't feel comfortable with anyone's energy. I feel like I at least want to wait a couple years to see if getting off the meds will improve my issues. By then I'll be 34 though. The cutoff for finding first marriages is 35 for men statistically speaking. If you look for a woman past that age there's a much higher chance you'll be looking at starting a second marriage with her. And those have a statistically lower chance of succeeding than first marriages. Just saying.

I smiled at thoughts

I accomplished meditating

I am grateful for thoughts, meditation, peace of mind, tranquility, smiling, safety, refuge, jesus, kindness, and calmness.

God bless

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Positive: It's Sunday and I'm enjoying a break from exercise. Nomas 7.

So I'm resting on the 7th day like God after he made the earth. Gonna be exercising less now that my knee is doing so poorly. Uhm. I walked around running errands yesterday and my knee hurt so much that I could not sleep well. 3 weeks till I get the MRi and then probably another 3 weeks or more till they shcedule the surgery. Kaiser takes forever. Blah. But I like their energy so....yeah....that's why I went back to them for better or worse. Definitely some worse going on here though. Made it through to Nomas day 7. That's a big deal because my last streak ended at 6. So making some improvement this week. That'd be cool if I beat my longest streak of 6 months and journeyed into the great world of nomas. My weight went from 183-186 down to 175. But I ate at Halal guys yesterday and I think the dark meat chicken was too fatty and caused my weight to go back up because today I was 180. 5 lbs more than yesterday. Amazing how it fluctuates. So I'm gonna just eat at home and maybe try panda once and see how that goes. My goal is to get down to 165. In college I could bench over 200 and do 20 pull ups at 165 lbs. I was on creatine given but it was still pretty impressive. I don't think I'll ever bench again because of injuries. But maybe I can do pull ups if I'm careful to land on only my left leg so as not to hurt the right knee. I'm relying on my mom to buy me groceries now and getting crutches to avoid putting unecessary stress on my knee. It's gonna be a tough next few months. I just hope I can get through it with a low enough pain level that I'm able to sleep at night that's the main goal for my knee.

I smiled at remote

I accomplished drawing yesterday

I am grateful for paper, pencil, sakura, amazon, notebooks, wallet, keys, eraser, salt crystal, and sweater.

God bless

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Positive: I was able to sleep on my side last night nomas 8

Uhm. So my left and right knee are now hurting. I'm very concerned the left knee won't hold up and Ill have to get double knee surgery instead of just the one. That's a major issue because I would not be able to go upstairs to shower and don't even know how I'd feed myself if I have to be in a wheelchair for 3+ months. Really hoping my left knee holds up. At least until I can finish surgery on my right knee. Man this is pretty bad. I can't believe I got so messed up from squatting and walking. Dang. Well, I hope I can at least continue working over zoom. I can't really fully recline and talk on the zoom. Which may end up hurting my knee so I might have to just quit my job for like 3+ months which would be a gigantic setback in my progress towards my license and in my career in general. I don't even know if that company would let me come back to work if I left for that long. Hopefully I can keep working through the surgeries. I may need to get all frozen food and just eat that whenever my mom hasn't cooked for me. Because cooking and putting all that pressure on my left leg to cook while on crutches is like a major issue and my left knee is hurting a lot and it's scaring me.

I smiled at a cheese slice taht looked like a smile.

I accomplished getting downstairs and dressed

I am grateful for my currently somewhat working left leg, painting, window, trees, double pane, warmth, ac, heat, heart, and rug.

God bless

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Sorry to hear that you are struggling with such injuries. Hoping that they will get better soon, as well as the MRI shows you some good results and options that will help you. I have not posted much but decided to start posting regularly again, I created a new journal as I wanted a complete reset. Have you tried intermittent fasting? I think that helped me the most when it comes down to losing weight. I have been doing it for some time now and I really enjoy the freedom of not needing to eat every few hours. 

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@RealworlderHey good to see you as always. I hope the new journal reset goes well for you. Thanks I hope my knees get better soon too. I'm calling everyday to try to get in earlier if someone cancels their appt. I did try fasting and it didn't go so great for me. It was just making me feel tired and cranky. So I went back to three meals a day. When I eat a small dinner though I'm able to lose weight so that was going well for me. I went from 183 to 175. But I can't weigh myself anymore bcuz of the knee so I guess I'll find out if I lost any weight when I complete the surgery and recovery.

Positive: I'm still able to work nomas 9

Well my body may be broken down pretty bad right now but I'm still able to work for the time being. Thank God for zoom calls during covid. If I had to go to the office this would be very uncomfortable and possibly not possible for me. I'm basically not exercising at all aside from a few seated yoga poses with my arms and a couple static holds I can do on the floor lying down. Guess I'm gonna learn how to just rely on my mind to get by for the next few months or so. I may knee surgery on both knees though so that's kind of might make it like 6 months+ to recover. Long long time. Yep. Squatting weight and walking led to this somehow. Maybe the squats were too deep. Thankfully my mom is helping care for me and makes me food and busses my table and does whatever I ask of her. God bless her.

I smiled at milk

I accomplished being silly

I am grateful for Flash, Supergirl, Legends, Realworlder, macbook, command, control, editting, money, and side job.

God bless

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22 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Hey good to see you as always. I hope the new journal reset goes well for you. Thanks I hope my knees get better soon too. I'm calling everyday to try to get in earlier if someone cancels their appt. I did try fasting and it didn't go so great for me. It was just making me feel tired and cranky. So I went back to three meals a day. When I eat a small dinner though I'm able to lose weight so that was going well for me. I went from 183 to 175. But I can't weigh myself anymore bcuz of the knee so I guess I'll find out if I lost any weight when I complete the surgery and recovery.

Thanks buddy! Fair enough, it did took me a while to fully get used to it but I used to skip breakfast anyway on most days so it wasn't that hard of a change for me. At the end of the day just stick with whatever works best for you. I also would not put that much importance on the weight itself, I think that if you feel like you lost some and look better then that might be more significant that just weight. As weight is very flexible depending on food/water intake and so on. 

I think that with some rest and recovery exercises your knees should get better. Unless it was some kind of acute injury during the squat itself (eg. tear) then it should heal up well with time. It can take quite a while but might not be as serious, well once you get it checked you will know the best plan of action. I had a lot of issues with ankles and even a very bad sprain, during which I could not walk got better in about a month or two. Still took lot more time to get back to exercise and even now its weaker but functional. 

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I see. Yeah. I used to weigh 165 before I got on meds and I'm hoping now tht I got off them I'll go back to that weight. But so far I haven't seen much of a reversal of the side effects of those drugs. Here's hoping. I definitely feel like I look a bit fatter than I used to. Im still thin though but I used to be like super lean.

They say it's probably a meniscus tear which requires surgery but we'll see on the 14th when I get my mri. I hope after all is said and done I can at least do yoga again.

Positive: Mom's taking care of me.

She made me breakfast lunch and dinner the past couple days and is refilling my water bottle so I don't have to get up. It's very nice to see her rrise to the occasion and take care of me. If I were at my dad's I would pretty much be on my own. I'd probably even have to go grocery shopping for myself on crutches. But thankfully I'm with my mom and she's taking care of all that. Unfortunately I have to sit on the recliner on the max reclined setting or the knee hurts. This means I have to prop my head up wiht a pillow all day which is making my neck kind of ache. So I got a different pillow hopefully it works out. Cuz I gotta sit on this couch like all day. I'm starting to spend time everyday visualizing exercise. I'm doing 4 days yoga 2 days weightlifting one day rest. I'm planning to visualize the routine I want to do once my body is better. I hope they can do something for my shoulder and wrist because I seriously couldn't even do a push up before the knee injury. If they can't Idk I guess I'll just have to go without any push ups for the rest of my life. Sucks but yeah I guess I can survive like that. Nomas day 10 amazing yay I give the glory to God

I smiled at mom

I accomplished reading proverbs 7

I am grateful for mom, proverbs, bible, God, energy, good energy, light, love, trust, peace,

God bless

 

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Best of luck with achieving your desired weight. I am sure it is achievable especially if the main reason were the drug side effects. Oh I see, sorry to hear that. Hopefully you will be able to recover quickly and get back to yoga and later, weightlifting too. Injuries are super annoying but part of life and sometimes hard to avoid. For the pushups have a look at pushup bars, it won't help with the shoulder pain but it pretty much solved the wrist pain I sometimes had with the exercise. Or you could just do them on your fists as that puts your wrist in a more neutral position too. However they are not the best solution as the increased range of motion might be harder on your shoulder. They work for me as I think I was close to carpal tunnel from all the gaming so it is nice to have a variant that is easier on the wrist. 

Edited by Realworlder
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@TheresaWell, I can really only stretch my arms a bit on the couch for now. The yoga I do is just visualization which I find is actually more difficult than doing it with your physical body in some way. It still makes me feel better though. Thanks for your support.

@RealworlderYeah I got my mri on the 14th then probably 2 weeks or so before surgery then a month to recover from that so like I'll be out for two months just for the knee. Idk what will happen with the wrist and shoulder that's gonna take a while too. I was doing fist push ups but then my shoulder started hurting. I kind of have a lot of injuries hehe. If the knee fixes I can at least like feed myself though.

Positive: Increasing meditation nomas 11

I've been increasing my meditation. 5 more minutes this week. It's at 55 minutes a day now. That's about to my record of 1hr a day. It's pretty cool. I like meditating. It helps my mind feel more calm and focused. And to endure my physical discomforts. Hanging on barely at my job. The job stress seems to hurt more when I'm not able to offset it with exercise like usual. I was just chasing that runners high and didn't pay much attention when my knee was aching some. Then ikept walkking on it and it broke. I will probably only go on hikes once in a while once my knee is fixed. I don't think I'll be doing any 10k steps again.

My mom fills me two water bottles now in the morning so I can have water for the day without having to fill it myself. It's very nice of her. Glad she's here to take care of me.

I smiled at energy

I accomplished brushing teeth

I am grateful for @Theresa@Realworlder, psych, fuerza, deon, football, people, solitude, calm, and loving self.

God bless

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That’s awesome you can meditate that long. I know 7 minutes helps me. 55 minutes must do wonders for you. Hang tight with your job. I’m sure it is so life changing for your clients.

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There is always option that after the MRI there will be a way to fix it without surgery so lets hope for that! But yeah, the recovery time for it seems long but then a few months flies by pretty quickly too. Good job on the meditation, I would not be able to go for that long. I struggle even with the 5-10 min meditation haha. 

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@TheresaIt is a long time for normal people. But I read that monks do 6-8 hours a day when they live at their monasteries. So I figure an hour is okay. I feel like it really helps me stay calm and be mentally healthy. Thank you I hope my work does make a difference. Some of the clients improve and express gratitude for services.

@RealworlderYeah I hope so. Time will go by fast enough, I just look forward to getting to the next steps. I dunno I just got more serious about meditating recently and started upping the time. The more I do it the more I seem to want to do it. Even with 55mins I still feel like I want to do more. I figure if I watched no TV a day I could maybe make it to two hours a day meditating. I always imagined if my discomfort got more out of control and I couldn't watch TV that's what I'd do. Or if my job got taken from me because I couldn't work anymore or I retired and had nothing to do. I could just meditate 6-8 hours a day like the monks. Kind of weird to think about it like that. I mean you wouldn't really be doing anything all day. Idk that'd be weird. Might be interesting, but I'm wary of over meditating. Especially after overdoing it with my knee. I don't want like a mental injury.

Positive: People posted on my journal. I'm so grateful for you guys. I'm still drawing. I drew like 5 anime pictures yesterday. Which is a lot for me. Usually I do 2 and that feels like a lot. I just pushed to draw more yesterday because I sit on the couch all day and wanted to do something other than TV for a bit. I guess I could post the pic on here but I kind of am reluctant to because I just don't like sharing the art that much. For some reason I've become a very private person. This journal is the only space where I feel okay to write about what's actually going on in my life. Aside from my paper journal too. Still visualizing yoga. I did 30 minutes yesterday. My goal is to do 1 hour a day 6 days a week. Then rest on the 7th day like God. Maybe then I can develop the diamond body they talk about in Yoga. Which I perceived to be like energetic protection. I was able to do a superman pose and lay on my back with bottoms of feet paralell to ceiling. I was just really careful not to let my right leg touch the ground.

My heart hurts lately. I don't understand completely why. It just started hurting one day. I dunno if there's much I can do for it. I'm concerned about it. I hope it gets better. I got thru the night with nomas but it was extra difficult and tempting because it was so hot I took off my sweatpants. Being in only underwear made me more prone to arousal and I had much more sexual thoughts than usual. So I'll be wearing shorts tonight to get that extra layer of desensitization in.

I smiled at everyone

I accomplished getting through the night with nomas

I am grateful for people, mom, water, shirt, smiles, happiness, calm, peacefulness, meditation, eggs,

God bless

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