Icandothis journal

[TheNewMe2.0]

Fun picture.

[Icandothis]

Found a quote... that relates grief. It validates my emotions from a couple of posts back as it is almost the same wording. 
 

Today was ok. Just one breath. Then another breath. Inhale.... hold.... exhale.  Inhale... hold... exhale. 

[Icandothis]

Another round of chemo starting today. Round 7.  They have reduced my chemo dose due to symptoms which I am beyond happy about. Hopefully this round won’t be as bad.

 

I am going to be writing stuff that I am processing about my cancer. It just processing and thoughts that I need to get down.

 

I keep wondering how I got cancer? Is it just a shot in the dark or is there something we can do to prevent it. I mean I meditated/prayed, I did yoga, I ate healthy... mostly paleo diet. How did I get here?

I feel very vulnerable... because there are so many people trying to profit off cancer patients... take this oil or eat this pill. And my infusion nurses say it’s a crap shoot... that super healthy people come into the clinic who have down everything right. 
 

But as I look back over the past couple of years have been really tough. I have experienced sleep deprivation due to having a baby... which he is a gift and totally worth it. I maybe have not been eating a strictly Paleo diet like I am used to. And there is definitely a ton of stress from my toxic relationship. 
 

I talked to my modern medicine oncologist... who will not profit at all from any type of lifestyle recommendations. He said, “off the record... inflammation is a breeding ground for cancer.” He was very careful to say don’t quote him on this and this is not textbook. But he went on and on about how I needed to reduce the inflammation in my body. 
 

His main points were sleep, avoidance of caffeine, avoidance of lots of meat.... especially charred, exercise.  I trust my oncologist and his advice... again especially as he has nothing to gain.

 

So I suppose this is where I am at. Making efforts to reduce inflammation in my body.  And wow writing this all out is helpful. 
 

And If you made it this far... thank you for listening and I hope you have a beautiful day. 

[Icandothis]

Another round of chemo down. 
 

Another ginger, turmeric, black pepper and elderberry shot for today. 
 

And guess who will be making elderberry syrup?! All these berries were found on my walking trial. Have a beautiful day.

[Icandothis]

I always come here... and don’t know what to say... as nothing relates to gaming anymore. 
 

My one class that I was suppose to take this fall fell through. I have no goals, priorities or to-do lists.

 

And I know nothing.

 

So I spend my days dancing and singing and playing and finding magic everywhere.

Have a beautiful day friends. 
 

“Live life. Open your eyes”

[BooksandTrees]

11 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I always come here... and don’t know what to say... as nothing relates to gaming anymore. 
 

My one class that I was suppose to take this fall fell through. I have no goals, priorities or to-do lists.

 

And I know nothing.

 

So I spend my days dancing and singing and playing and finding magic everywhere.

Have a beautiful day friends. 
 

“Live life. Open your eyes”

I haven't had anything related to gaming in over a year, but it still helps me to just write about stuff. I thought about stopping, but decided to keep writing. It helps to be here I think and gives me more reason to write and think and help others. I hope your treatment is going well.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Cool pictures. That's amazing you collected all those elderberries. I will try to live life and open my eyes. It's good to enjoy the little things. I've recently stopped eating sugary foods. We ran out of ice cream and my mom didn't seem inclined to buy more so, no more for now. maybe that reduces inflammation. I'm glad they've lowered your chemo doses. That sounds good. I pray your treatments all workout and get the job done.

[Icandothis]

Over the past months I have struggled with my spirituality and faith. I came upon this quote by Emerson... and I resonate so deeply with it. 
 

Thank you all for thinking about my treatments. I am on number 8 tomorrow. Also, started posting on the American Cancer Society forum... so that has helped with this journey. 
 

Have a beautiful day!

[Icandothis]

And now we have fires covering the PNW. I mean really?

 

I am trying focus on the good and on the beauty. My brain automatically hyper focuses on threats and danger.

 

See the beauty. There have been so so so many magical things that have happened the past couple of months.  Focus on this. 
 

The day after I was released from the hospital, I sorta hobbled to the park. While there, a man was playing a ukulele. He started singing me a song. And I danced and moved, surrounded by yellow flowers. The sun shining down on me.... it literally felt like the music vibrations + nature.... were breathing life and spirit back into me.

 

Notice the spirit + radiance. The love is all surrounding us and within us. 
 

Have a beautiful day friends.  

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

See the beauty. There have been so so so many magical things that have happened the past couple of months.  Focus on this. 
 

The day after I was released from the hospital, I sorta hobbled to the park. While there, a man was playing a ukulele. He started singing me a song. And I danced and moved, surrounded by yellow flowers. The sun shining down on me.... it literally felt like the music vibrations + nature.... were breathing life and spirit back into me.

 

Notice the spirit + radiance. The love is all surrounding us and within us. 

Beautiful. I am happy that you are finding the harmony in your life 🙂

[TheNewMe2.0]

Sending you life as the universe breathes it back into you.

[Icandothis]

I don’t know what to say. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and send virtual hugs as we journey together.  Sending love and energy. 

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I don’t know what to say. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and send virtual hugs as we journey together.  Sending love and energy. 

What are your kids doing for school? Are you sending them back or being safe because of Covid? What round of treatment are you on?

[Icandothis]

9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What are your kids doing for school? Are you sending them back or being safe because of Covid? What round of treatment are you on?

If I had the option to send them back, I absolutely would. But here in PNW, they are doing “ continuing distance learning”.... basically online learning this fall. Deep deep breaths. 
 

I finished round 8 of chemo. So 4 more to go. The 21st, Oct 5th and 19th and then November will be my last treatment. And I am soo soo soo soo praying that this is it. That it is over. These drugs may be helping my body.... but they are killing my spirit.

Also, the air quality here is hazardous because of the fires. Ranked worst in the world.... so any prayers of rain to help get rid of this smoke. And also there have been so many deaths... it’s just heartbreaking. 😞 Praying for families, praying for our earth. 
 

Deep breaths. Trust. Trust. Healing. Love.  

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Icandothis said:

If I had the option to send them back, I absolutely would. But here in PNW, they are doing “ continuing distance learning”.... basically online learning this fall. Deep deep breaths. 
 

I finished round 8 of chemo. So 4 more to go. The 21st, Oct 5th and 19th and then November will be my last treatment. And I am soo soo soo soo praying that this is it. That it is over. These drugs may be helping my body.... but they are killing my spirit.

Also, the air quality here is hazardous because of the fires. Ranked worst in the world.... so any prayers of rain to help get rid of this smoke. And also there have been so many deaths... it’s just heartbreaking. 😞 Praying for families, praying for our earth. 
 

Deep breaths. Trust. Trust. Healing. Love.  

Ah ok. Hopefully they are safe from the virus at least. Good luck on your next rounds of treatment. I hope for your recovery as well. I heard one of the fires was started by a gender reveal party lol. People are stupid. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good luck in your treatments and everything. Sending prayers your way. 

[Icandothis]

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers friends. 
 

BTW- my doctors continually say I am doing amazing in my treatment. I can’t help but think it’s from all the love I receive... so thank you. 

Just another beautiful day. Online schooling, chasing after my baby, making meals, chores.  The is so much magic in the mundane... just being alive is a gift.

Feeling tired now.... but just letting it be. My body is sending the message that I need rest. Baby is napping... time for yin yoga. 
 

Sending love friends. May you find some joy today. 

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

BTW- my doctors continually say I am doing amazing in my treatment.

Great job! It's not too often you hear that so keep going. You're doing great, or amazing like they are saying.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Sending you love. And I hope we find joy too. Life is a struggle and it's trying. But, it's good and it is a beautiful life we live even despite all the struggles. I hope everyone can find something good to inspire them to keep on living. For me it's my mom. Her love inspires me to keep living.

[Icandothis]

Well my state as been declared a federal state of emergency because of the wildfires. Everyday for the past week... they kept saying rain will come and air quality will improve. 
 

Rain didn’t come... and the air quality has been hazardous.... and we have been stuck inside. I strive to find equanimity in these situations, know that this too shall pass. But today has been difficult. 
 

Praying for rain to help our state. Very thankful for federal aide and hoping these wildfires can be contained soon. 
 

Trust. Surrender.

[Icandothis]

I really like this song. Parallel lines. 
 

Have a beautiful day friends. 
 

 

[Icandothis]

Baby at school. 
Older ones in distance learning.

 

Full session of acupuncture 

Full session of yin yoga

Deep deep healing and rest

Early Grey tea

Fog against the evergreens of Pacific Northwest is poetic

Trusting God

Have a beautiful day friends. 

[Icandothis]

One year game free. 🥳🎉

 

Air quality is back to a healthy range. I am working with the kids school on donating items to those who lost their homes in the fire.

 

Not much to say... just really really grateful.

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

One year game free. 🥳🎉

Congratulations! That's such a great achievement. I remember you came here last year and seemed so frustrated and lost at times. You've grown so much over this past year and I'm so proud of you. I know you've been going through treatments but use this benchmark as a victory to give you more momentum this year!

[TheNewMe2.0]

Happy game free anniversary. I'm proud of you and glad to know you. Thanks for being here and posting with us. That's good of you guys to donate things to those in need. That must be really trying to get your house burned down. I hope they recover ok.