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Today was pretty good, I was quite productive even though I didnt feel good today. I still made the best of it though. Not really much to say. Lets hope some sleeps will make me feel better tomorrow

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Today was a bit awful actually. I felt quite bad physically and also didnt feel good mentally. I think its the stress related to the presentation or something, but I really didnt feel good today. I couldnt at all concentrate in my afternoon lecture and I felt too bad to exercise. But I did pretty good for that. Worked a lot anyways. Lets hope I will feel better tomorrow

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Today was a nice day. I was quite productive and felt much better than yesterday, physically and mentally. I had the test presentation with my professor and he gave me lots of valuable feedback. I am quite confident that I can give a good presentation on tuesday once I have implemented the suggestions and feedback.

Today I had some interesting thougts atleast they were interesting to me. I thougt about motivation and mindset and realized that in quite a few areas of my life I have no motivation for being good at them. For example my job as a research assistant. I feel like I have been underperforming a lot there, most of the time I work less than the hours in my contract because no one will know as its more about how much I progress and that seems to be sufficient. Of course I try my best in those hours but I think its very interesting that I have no interest in working longer than I get paid for. I know other people who put a lot of effort into their research assitant jobs but I dont really see any reason why. You cant get promoted and I also dont really see a lot of benefit in working more altogether. Because as long as you dont horribly underperform there will be no (negative) consequences. And I realized that I really dont like that I think like that. I feel like its in conflict with my self image and also my value system. Because I see myself as a hardworking, motivated career oriented person so underperforming at a job is something that really goes against this. 

The last week for example I didnt do anything for my job at all because I was so busy with my courses and the presentation. I know that its ok if I work less when I have exams or something like that but I still feel bad/guilty about it. 

I thougt also a lot about goals and where I want to go in life and I feel like most goals that are to specific and too far away are actually very damaging to me. Mostly because my goals are changing quite often because I find it hard and to be honest a little stupid to commit to something that I dont even know I would like. For example I think it might be really cool to have a company that produces household robots at some point, by I have no idea if that would actually be fulfilling work and/or feasible at all. And by having a goal like this I care less about my courses that I have in uni right now that are unrelated to this goal. I feel like I am wasting my time then in a nuclear physics lecture. I came to the conclusion that long term goals should be vague if they are outside the system you are momentarily part of, for example if you are a university student and dont (really really really) know for sure what you want to do later it makes more sense to have vague goals, like having your own company instead of specifying what kind and which products you would be selling. I think however it makes sense to have precise goals inside that system, like for example what kind of grades you want to get, in which time you want to finish what. 

I had a conversation with my girlfriend a while ago about motivation and she said that the best thing you can do wherever you are in your life is to be the best you can be right now. It means while being at uni you should be the best possible student, while being a research assitant, to be the best one you can be. Its about living in the moment and making the best out of it. Because if you always live in the future and make all your behaviour dependant on what might give you something in the future you will miss the whole present and also miss out on various opportunities you could have stumbled into by just being decent in what you were doing.

Feels kind of nice to get those thougts out "on paper" I have to say. I wonder if I will have understood a lot about motivation by the time I am 30 or 40 years old or if I will struggle the same way I am doing now. Because I had better times where I was way more motivated and I dont really know why that is/was and why I have been struggling a bit with it lately. I dont even know if I am struggling with it to be honest, because I still work about 40-50 hours a week but I just feel like its not nearly enough. But well lets see how this evolves. I hope things will get a little better once I finished my presentation on tuesday.

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Today was really nice. I was quite productive but also managed to relax a little and went on a run. I really struggled with working out during the past week because I really didnt feel like it. The run today was pretty amazing though, I am really glad I went. I also worked a little more on my presentation and might actually be able to finish it tomorrow. This is great because the professor offered me to go over my slides once again on monday which would be really helpful. This will mean that I wont have my uni free sunday but I think under those circumstances thats just not worth it. But I already thougt it would be like that. I cant wait to be done with the presentation on tuesday, then I will have much more time for my courses and my job because the presentation really has been a lot of work. 

I dont really have more to say at the moment because its kind of going well.

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Today was really nice. I worked on my presentation for about 2-3 hours and finished it. I will send it to my professor first thing in the morning. After that I was able to wind down a bit. Took a nice long walk with my girlfriend, played a videogame for about 90 minutes with my best friend which was nice as well. We also talked a lot and hes actually planning to have children next year. He just finished his master and his girlfriend will finish her Phd next year and after that they want to have children. I am super excited and happy for them. Me and my girlfriend also really want children but we are both still in the midst of our masters degree but its really nice to see my bestfriend already taking that step. He would be the first one of my friends to have children. I always thougt I wasnt ready to have children yet because I never really felt like a "real adult" but during the past years this completely changed and I am "ready" basically since I turned 26 (last year). I am really excited about the future in general. Like where will I live, when will I have my first child, what will I work. I just wanna be done with uni as soon as possible because I am really done with it. I always loved uni but due to covid I really didnt enjoy it at all in the last year. I just want to be done with it, so I can progress further in my life. But well I still have this semester before I can start my master thesis. But hey its only one semester and I really like my courses so I think I will manage. And I think the masterthesis will be pretty cool.

But for now I will keep my focus on the presentation for tuesday. I will go through everything again tomorrow, I think I will try to do the presentation for myself tomorrow and then I will do it for my girlfriend as well. So I am as prepared as I possibly can be. But before that I will have to look at some topics a little more in detail because 1 or 2 concepts are not fully clear yet to me. 

This week will also be my week where I will catch up with all my courses again. I really neglected them in the past week. I didnt summarize my lectures and also didnt look at them again. I didnt spend enough time on the exercises and I will make up for it this week. The same goes for my job as a research assitant. Tomorrow we have our group meeting and I will have to admit that I didnt do anything this week because of my presentation but I hope they will understand it, as they are usually very understanding when it comes to studying for exams and the presentation is basically just a different form of exam. But of course I still feel guilty about not doing anything.

@Jason70 Thank you for the encouragement 🙂

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Today was nice, I worked a lot on my presentation. I gave it once to myself and one more time to my girlfriend. I was about 7 minutes over the time limit which is bad, so I kicked out some slides. I will have to do another test presentation tomorrow morning to see if I can reach the 35 minute mark now. It kind of sucks because I felt really good about my presentation and now it feels like its not as smooth as before, lets just hope I can make it tomorrow morning in time, otherwise I will be stressed to death during the real presentation which is tomorrow at noon. 

But either way, I will give my best tomorrow and this time the result will be fine. Because unlike with the last two exams, I can really say I did my best for that presentation and I really worked my ass off. And thats what counts. Not a dumb little number that I get assigned to it. I feel like I really learned to read myself into several difficult topics in a short time and develope an understanding for a difficult range of concepts. I also learned how to prepare and structure a presentation nicely. 

Yeah lets do this

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Today was pretty cool. I did one more test presentation in the morning and noticed that I was still a couple of minutes over the time limit so I made some adjustments. The actual presentation in the afternoon went really well and I was very happy about it. I can safely say that this was the best presentation I ever gave and I am really proud of it. I was very happy afterwards. Other than that I wasnt really productive in anyway today because I couldnt focus on anything but that presentation. It really did stress me out. Well but now its done and I am very happy about that.

After the presentation I really just kind of celebrated and did what I want which was nice. But tomorrow Im getting serious again because of the presentation I really fell behind in my other courses and I will use this week and the next to catch up in those courses. I am really motivated to do so as well. 

Thats about it. Cant wait to get started on my other courses again tomorrow!

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4 hours ago, dirac said:

The actual presentation in the afternoon went really well and I was very happy about it. I can safely say that this was the best presentation I ever gave and I am really proud of it. I was very happy afterwards.

Yayyy!!! So happy for you 🙂

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Today was a little awful I have to say. I woke up with back pain that persisted the entire day. I also felt kind of bad in general because I slept really horrible.  I was in kind of an unproductive mood for the majority of the day and because of that I took the easy way out and just said it would be okay to play video games for the rest of the day. Which I did. I did kind of enjoy it but I mostly did it so I didnt have to deal with my physical and emotional unwellness. I hope I will feel good again tomorrow, I really miss working out because ever since my backpain came back last week I basically did nothing and I really need regular workouts to feel good and cope with the stress. 

Tomorrow I cant pull something like today either way because I just cant afford it again. I really need to catch up on my courses and my reasearch assistant job. I kind of needed to do that today already but I didnt. I cant really say I am motivated because as I said I dont feel very good and whenever that is the case my motivation just drops below zero. I will meditate now, maybe this will help me sleep and make me feel better tomorrow.

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I usually dont post during the day but I have some things on my mind right now that I wanted to bring to paper and I thougt it might be a good idea to do it here. So lately I have been declining quite a bit again. Even though my presentation went really well, everything else really didnt.

I feel like I have to step up and become more physically and mentally healthy again. I have been quite stressed lately and I basically stopped working out because of my lower back pain but its not gonna go away by itself and if I dont start exercising a lot and regularly again I will soon start to spiral because I know myself. I also dont feel good mentally which is tightly connected to not exercising and sitting on my computer all day due to the home office situation. This depresses me and it drains my motivation because I have no way of dealing with the stress at the moment. 

I have also been feeling unhealthy in general lately. Low energy, low motivation, physical unwellness. 

None of it is serious but I know its on its way to get serious if I dont step in now. I want to establish some ground rules and or develope some habits that will get me back on track. 

1. Workout 5 times a week and make it a priority. I neglected this a lot and I am paying the physical and emotional price for it. My lower back hurts and prevents me from doing real and fun workouts so I will have to fix this first. I will research a bit about which exercises and things I can do to solve this. I have had this for quite some time, always coming back again. So I know that its mostly related to my posture while sitting but also due to some muscular imbalances in my lower back / hip flexor region and that its also connected to tight hamstrings and weak butt muscles. So I will dig in there a little more. I also want to focus less on muscle building and more on general exercise and fitness for now because this seems more important. I also  want to include stretching and foam rolling again because my body is a mess.

2. Take one walk every day. Even if its just a short walk this is vital for my wellbeing and I often skip on it because I am lazy or whatever.

3. Do well in my research job and university. I think I am partly feeling bad due to the fact that I fell behind everywhere at university because I was working on my presentation so much and also just gamed to much instead of putting in some extra hours. I feel like a bad student and an even worse employee. My last couple of lectures I didnt even finish watching because I am so behind that I just have no idea whats going on. I also find it really hard to concentrate on them as well which is probably because I am lacking exercise and some way to cope with the stress.

4. Do a breathing exercise every evening. That is something that I used to do for a while and it always made me feel better but at some point I stopped doing it because I was too lazy. This is something that I really need also for stress reduction and better sleep quality.

5. Quit sugar again. I basically didnt eat any sugar in the first 3 months of this year but started again a couple of weeks ago. I feel like my energy levels are down since then and I feel sort of inflamed. Starting from today I will quit sugar again.

6. Quit gaming alone. For the first time in quite some time I really feel like gaming has become a problem again for me. Because I am so stressed and have no real way to get it out of the system I fall back into gaming. Yesterday I felt so bad thinking about doing some work for my research job that I couldnt deal with it and just told myself it would be ok to game one day. So instead of actually suffering a little and solving a problem I kind of made it worse by escaping it instead of dealing with it.

7. I want to read. I had such big plans on reading and it went so well for a while until I stopped completely. I feel like this is partly due to the fact that I told myself I have to read before I can game. Because of that reading basically was just an obstacle that I had to get over to game. However if I remove gaming as a possibility maybe I can find a way to make reading a thing again.

8. So this point just came spontaneously from 7. I think it might be a real game changer to shut off my computer at 9 every evening if I dont have something I need it for. I will try this out starting tomorrow (because tonight I have my weekly discord meeting with my friends).

I am committing to the things I just wrote and even if they might seem difficult I will do my best to follow through on them and of course I will post daily how everything goes.

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So today went pretty shitty I have to say. I was productive in the morning for about 3 hours but then I basically just gave up because I felt kind of bad again. I spend the rest of my day playing dota and watching netflix. However I am very determined to stop gaming now. I even downloaded the respawn guide again and printed it. I will read a bit of it now and I will conitnue reading it on the next days. I dont think I will ever be able to develope something like a reading habit while I still game. Because I will always choose gaming over reading - if I have to choice. I already uninstalled all my games right before this post. I think it will be quite difficult but I will do my best to stay strong. I am also even more motivated now that I saw that in the last 2 weeks I played 50 hours on steam alone. This doesnt include minecraft and netflix so I probably spend about 80 hours in the last 2 weeks watching shows or playing games. This means 40 hours per week which is basically a normal job which is just insane. I mean it would already be amazing to have 2 more hours a day but we are talking about much more than that. 

What did go well today was the fact that I took a walk which was nice. I also didnt eat any sugar and I will do my breathing exercises right after this post. I didnt work out but thats ok, tomorrow I will go for a run!

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On 5/5/2021 at 3:32 PM, dirac said:

I woke up with back pain that persisted the entire day.

Hi Dirac!

As someone who has done a lot of work/some research on back issues and posture, I'm wondering if you have ever heard of Alexander's Technique? 

Reading your other entries along the way, it seems like you are going back to gaming because of high stress. That was the case for me too, and even now I get stronger urges to go back to gaming whenever I experience highly stressful situations. Have you thought of developing different stress coping mechanisms? For me, I've learned to create a routine: instead of gaming, first I listen to my favorite music, then go to the bathroom for as long as I want to (helps me calm down and also hydrate lol), and then journal here I am still not feeling well. Try coming up with a similar series of events that will help you lower your stress and stay away from gaming! 

It is highly important to dedicate time to finding new ways of finding the same satisfaction gaming provides, even if it doesn't feel like a priority, because it will save you thousands of hours of time and great amounts of self-esteem and overall mental health. But I bet you know that already heh.

Po

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@PochatokHey , thank you for the comment! No I havent heard of that but it sounds interesting I will look into it! 

Yeah a routine makes sense, I am a big believer in good planning and starting early with tasks so stress is minimized in the first place but of course this does not always work. 

I think finding activities that satisfy the needs that gaming provides is quite hard, especially because gaming is so available and easy to do. But I think I am on to some things 🙂

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Today was really great I have to say. It was by far the best day this week. I was really productive the entire day and felt really good about it. I also went on a long run (for me atleast) and pushed myself more than usual. I also read something related to university in the evening which is also really cool.

At the moment I am searching for something kind of entertaining to watch while eating but its difficult. Because a real tv show is first of all a waste of time and second if it is any good I will want to watch more which is bad. I wish there was something that would be entertaining but also useful and would last about 30 minutes. Iam sure it exists I just have to find it. I am thinking about watching some coding videos or something but first I would have to find a nice channel that has lots of videos.

I am excited for tomorrow as it is my uni free day and I can spend it on whatever I want (but not gaming!). Lets see what I will spend my time on 🙂

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Today was really nice. It was my uni free day and I was able to do some things here and there and mostly rest and recover. I took a nice walk with my girlfriend, in the evening we also watched a movie together. I also got a nice workout in and did some exercises for my lower back so the pain will stay away. 

I am really proud that I didnt game. I actually downloaded a game again because I didnt really know what else to do but I didnt even play because I realised I dont even want to game. Its definitely not easy but I will do my best to stay strong. 

I feel like this weekend really allowed me to get back on my feet. I feel motivated and ready to conquer the next week!

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Today was really great. I was super productive and didnt waste any time. I am really happy with myself. I worked out and did a lot for uni. I will do my best to continue strong tomorrow 🙂 I dont really have much to say mostly because of how good it went. 

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1 hour ago, dirac said:

Today was really great. I was super productive and didnt waste any time. I am really happy with myself. I worked out and did a lot for uni. I will do my best to continue strong tomorrow 🙂 I dont really have much to say mostly because of how good it went. 

yayyyyy 🙂 hope that you will have the ability to keep up this streak of good days!

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Today was also a pretty good day! I was quite productive but felt a little bit overwhelmed with everything I still have to do this week. I guess I will just keep pushing and do one thing after the other. I think I will be able to do everything especially because thursday is a national holiday so I wont have any lectures which gives me some extra time. 
I recently have been thinking about one of my training partners in grappling. Hes the one who can teach me by far the most at my gym but I just find it so difficult to interact with him. I find him to be quite unpleasant as a person so I am constantly struggling between just enduring it for the sake of progress I am making in the sport or just asking someone else (if I could even find someone that would train with me this regularly and teach me even half of what he teaches me). This is also the first time in my life I am dealing with someone that I consider very difficult to be around. The worst part is that I think he is actually kind of a nice person deep down but he is so cynical and always complains about stuff and puts me down. This might sound like he is an asshole but if you look at what he is actually doing he seems to care. I just dont know what to make of this person and its really bothering me. I think about this basically every week, sometimes its better sometimes worse. For example yesterday I trained with someone that I get along with very well and I had so much fun. But I definitely didnt learn a lot during it. 

Well I guess I will just keep going for now until I get too pissed off or something. Because of covid we dont have any official training so I can only meet with 1 person to train, but maybe the whole covid thing will go back soon due to the vaccines. 

Today I also felt like that my days are just too short. I wish I could work for 10 hours then workout for 2 hours and read for 1 hour and spend time on my hobbies for 2-3 hours and spend time with girlfriend but sadly thats impossible because I also have to eat, sleep, buy groceries, cook shower and go to the bathroom. I find it hard to deal with the fact that I dont have time for nearly anything but I guess thats life. I think if I would spend my evenings a little more efficiently I might be able to make some time. 

Well gonna do my best tomorrow!

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Today was pretty amazing. I was very productive and managed to finish something that I feared might take me till monday. This makes the rest of the week way more chill and I might actually be able to do everything I want to. Tomorrow is a national holiday so I dont have lectures but I can finally catch up and do some work for my job as a research assistant. I will also go for a run tomorrow.

Today I trained with the guy I find so hard to deal with but this time it was really nice, I feel like its also connected to how I interact with him, when I am nicer and a little more open he also seems to be easier deal with. Well the training was amazing either way.

Yeah great day all in all.

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