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dirac

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  1. Sadly today didnt go as well as I planned. I woke up early and started my day by reading for about an hour which was really nice. Then I watched some netflix during breakfast and got a little stuck on that, so I watched for like 1 1/2 hours. After that my girlfriend and I cleaned our flat which was really nice. Then my girlfriend had some appointments so I was alone and continued to watch netflix because I didnt really knew what else to do with myself. Eventually I thought that what I am doing doesnt make any sense, watching netflix all day is no better than playing video games. Then I justified gaming even more by thinking that its sunday and it makes more sense to start no gaming on a round day like monday. So all in all quite unsuccessful today. But I am still motivated so I will try my best to stay game free tomorrow. To make sure I dont watch netflix all day either I will make myself a to do list and schedule to make sure I stay on track and know what to do with myself.
  2. Funny to see my last post was in may hehe. Well I am ready to post again I guess. There have been good and bad times since may and recently the gaming has gone to a bad place again. It started with my first covid vaccination, which was fine but I already planned to feel bad for a couple of days so I thougt I would just game then. When I got the jab I felt quite tired for like 2 or 3 days so I decided, as I planned, that I will jsut game all day. But then I fell into a bit of a hole and continued to play the entire day for about a week which made me feel horrible. Then I got a grip on it again but the same thing happened after my second vaccination, just played video games for a week straight. Then after my exam in august, same thing. And now I had a cold last week and again I just played video games for a week and I am still struggling to get out of this hole. Then yesterday and today I had a bit of an epiphany. Im doing a laboratory project at the moment and we have a cool supervisor. Yesterday we went by his house because he wanted to show us his 3d printer and explain some things around it. I then saw his weekly schedule taped to the wall next to his desk and it was very impressive. He gets up around 6, does a morning workout, breakfast and than he has 2 three hour blocks either work or some productive hobby like playing guitar, doing programming or reading. He then has dinner and spends his evening with his wife and goes to bed at 11pm. I was quite impressed by this and later I made a comment about video games to which he responded that he hasnt played a video game since 10 years because when he was 17 he played counter strike all day and realised that its wasted time hes never getting back. This of course made me think about my life a bit because I have 2000 hours in dota alone and I played a lot of other games. Today I also found out he is a year younger than me which really made me feel horrible. Not only because hes so much further in career than I am, because I am used to that as I started studying physics when I was 22/23 so rather late. But what was the worst part for me is that he just knows so much, its incredible. He can explain basically everything connected to electronics and computers and programming and I have basically no clue about anything. I just thought if I had invested atleast a fraction of the time I played video games in studying more I could know so much, but I didnt which is the reason why I know nothing. also today I read this steam review for dota 2 and it hit right into this nerve. I have been feeling a bit depressed lately anyways because I played so much and after today and yesterday I am again motivated to quit gaming again. Today is day 0 because I still played some dota after work but tomorrow I will make sure to stay strong. I will use my time productively and this time I also asked my girlfriend to help me and make me stay on track. I want to do 90 days so bad, I dont think I have ever made it longer than 2 weeks.
  3. So its been 1 week since I completely quit gaming and I have never been this unmotivated to basically do anything ever before. Before I quit I usually just played between 1-3 hours a couple of evenings per night and a little more on weekends and was doing pretty well motivation wise with university and my job. Now that I quit gaming I am basically struggling to get out of bed in the morning and can hardly motivate myself to do the bare minimum in terms of studying. This has been on the same level for the past week now and I am seriously considering going back to gaming because I dont know what else to do. Has anyone else made this experience ? Will it get better?
  4. Today was good. I was productive and had a nice long run. It was the first time I did 2 runs in 3 days. Because I usually do other workouts instead, but it was definitely nice. I am starting to enjoy running quite a bit. Tomorrow is the last day of uni before I am visiting my friend, so I will have to do as much work as I can tomorrow, to make up for the weekend. I feel like I am coming again short on my job as a research assistant. Even though I learned so much at this job and I am very grateful for it, it makes me feel like shit most of the time because I feel like I am constantly underperforming which really takes a toll on my self confidence. I am doing ok in my courses and the presentation was really good but I just dont seem to be able to do well at this job. And that is not necessarily because its very hard, its just that I dont manage to work my agreed upon hours every week. Also I am quite a bit behind in some of my courses so that part is also not optimal. I will use this weekend (where I am visiting a friend) as mini holiday, and afterwards I will give it my all till the end of the semester. I will make sure to never underperform in my job again and catch up in all my courses so hard. I can definitely do it because I am just a little bit behind but it will still require quite some effort. Effort that I am willing to put it. But first comes tomorrow!
  5. Today was already much better. I wasnt super productive but atleast I was quite a bit productive. I also had a really nice hard workout which felt really good. I feel like I am on the right track right now. I just have to make sure I get some work done tomorrow otherwise it will get a bit tight with the long weekend. Im really looking forward to the weekend though, also because some restaurants already reopened where my friend lives. And of course I can see my friend too haha. Good thing I handed in my conference proceeding so this chapter is basically over. However, the professor said if its not perfect he will tell me what I should improve to get a better grade, which I will do of course. But maybe I am lucky and its fine the way it is. Tomorrow I have to go to uni for something work related and it doesnt really fit me that well but theres nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow will be really hard in general because I really have to get a couple of hours of work in and I also want to go for a run.
  6. Today was a pretty interesting day. I basically just watched netflix and gamed all day even though I wanted to be productive. I think its because of how I have my mind made up. Because I will visit a friend on the coming weekend from friday to monday (public holiday). So its basically a mini vacation. And this week I still have to do something for the seminar where I did my presentation. So I kind of feel like that after this week the semester "gets serious" because Im done with the seminar that took so much time and effort and I also had a mini vacation. So I feel like I am kind of allowed to slack off until then. Of course this is pretty dumb and I will stop falling into this from now on. Tomorrow I will have to do a lot anyways because I have to hand in a so called conference proceeding for that seminar and I was waiting for some feedback of the professor who assisted me with my presentation, but so far he has not answered me. And tomorrow is the deadline, so I will finish up everything so I could basically send it in in the morning and then wait till the afternoon in case the professor still sends me some feedback I can implement. I had planned to work out today but I felt super unmotivated. I just wanted to sit in front of computer and game but I ended up taking a break and going on a short walk with my girlfriend. When we came back we both spontaneously decided to go for a run together. But because my girlfriend is not as fit as I am she turned around after a while. I went my long round and after like 3/4 it started raining like crazy. I was basically completely drenched after 2 minutes and continued to run for another 15 minutes in the rain. It was so amazing this was literaly my best run ever. I felt so much power and joy running through the rain like that. It made me realize that since the pandemic I basically have not been in uncomfortable situations anymore. Before covid I was a big believer in getting out of your comfort zone for personal growth and I would often try to push myself towards it. But since covid I failed to seek and or find those situations of discomfort and this run made me realize that I have to make this a more integral part of my life again. I just have to see what I can do for it. I thougt about things like working out outside when the weather is bad, getting up earlier, just working harder, taking more/longer cold showers. I have to think about what else I could do but I think seeking discomfort might be an interesting path to follow for a while. Lets see what I can do tomorrow
  7. Today was moderate I would say. I had quite a bit of headache in the morning which made it a little hard to get out of bed and get going. I managed to have a more or less productive morning and was able to advance a bit in my reasearch assistant job. I also worked on an exercise sheet with a friend which was nice as well. But I really wasnt motivated today and I struggled especially with the exercise sheet. The rest of the day I spend mostly gaming and watching netflix because I just didnt really feel good and I did the most important things I wanted to do. Feels kind of like I wasted half the day which sucks. Because I also didnt really enjoy watching netflix/gaming. Today I watched a video of someones daily routine and he always starts his day reading through his rules, goals, mantras, values and I got really inspired by that idea. To write something down and look at it every morning that keeps me focussed and motivated and puts my mind in the right place. I will do that tomorrow morning.
  8. Today was pretty amazing. I was very productive and managed to finish something that I feared might take me till monday. This makes the rest of the week way more chill and I might actually be able to do everything I want to. Tomorrow is a national holiday so I dont have lectures but I can finally catch up and do some work for my job as a research assistant. I will also go for a run tomorrow. Today I trained with the guy I find so hard to deal with but this time it was really nice, I feel like its also connected to how I interact with him, when I am nicer and a little more open he also seems to be easier deal with. Well the training was amazing either way. Yeah great day all in all.
  9. Today was also a pretty good day! I was quite productive but felt a little bit overwhelmed with everything I still have to do this week. I guess I will just keep pushing and do one thing after the other. I think I will be able to do everything especially because thursday is a national holiday so I wont have any lectures which gives me some extra time. I recently have been thinking about one of my training partners in grappling. Hes the one who can teach me by far the most at my gym but I just find it so difficult to interact with him. I find him to be quite unpleasant as a person so I am constantly struggling between just enduring it for the sake of progress I am making in the sport or just asking someone else (if I could even find someone that would train with me this regularly and teach me even half of what he teaches me). This is also the first time in my life I am dealing with someone that I consider very difficult to be around. The worst part is that I think he is actually kind of a nice person deep down but he is so cynical and always complains about stuff and puts me down. This might sound like he is an asshole but if you look at what he is actually doing he seems to care. I just dont know what to make of this person and its really bothering me. I think about this basically every week, sometimes its better sometimes worse. For example yesterday I trained with someone that I get along with very well and I had so much fun. But I definitely didnt learn a lot during it. Well I guess I will just keep going for now until I get too pissed off or something. Because of covid we dont have any official training so I can only meet with 1 person to train, but maybe the whole covid thing will go back soon due to the vaccines. Today I also felt like that my days are just too short. I wish I could work for 10 hours then workout for 2 hours and read for 1 hour and spend time on my hobbies for 2-3 hours and spend time with girlfriend but sadly thats impossible because I also have to eat, sleep, buy groceries, cook shower and go to the bathroom. I find it hard to deal with the fact that I dont have time for nearly anything but I guess thats life. I think if I would spend my evenings a little more efficiently I might be able to make some time. Well gonna do my best tomorrow!
  10. Today was really great. I was super productive and didnt waste any time. I am really happy with myself. I worked out and did a lot for uni. I will do my best to continue strong tomorrow 🙂 I dont really have much to say mostly because of how good it went.
  11. Today was really nice. It was my uni free day and I was able to do some things here and there and mostly rest and recover. I took a nice walk with my girlfriend, in the evening we also watched a movie together. I also got a nice workout in and did some exercises for my lower back so the pain will stay away. I am really proud that I didnt game. I actually downloaded a game again because I didnt really know what else to do but I didnt even play because I realised I dont even want to game. Its definitely not easy but I will do my best to stay strong. I feel like this weekend really allowed me to get back on my feet. I feel motivated and ready to conquer the next week!
  12. Today was really great I have to say. It was by far the best day this week. I was really productive the entire day and felt really good about it. I also went on a long run (for me atleast) and pushed myself more than usual. I also read something related to university in the evening which is also really cool. At the moment I am searching for something kind of entertaining to watch while eating but its difficult. Because a real tv show is first of all a waste of time and second if it is any good I will want to watch more which is bad. I wish there was something that would be entertaining but also useful and would last about 30 minutes. Iam sure it exists I just have to find it. I am thinking about watching some coding videos or something but first I would have to find a nice channel that has lots of videos. I am excited for tomorrow as it is my uni free day and I can spend it on whatever I want (but not gaming!). Lets see what I will spend my time on 🙂
  13. @PochatokHey , thank you for the comment! No I havent heard of that but it sounds interesting I will look into it! Yeah a routine makes sense, I am a big believer in good planning and starting early with tasks so stress is minimized in the first place but of course this does not always work. I think finding activities that satisfy the needs that gaming provides is quite hard, especially because gaming is so available and easy to do. But I think I am on to some things 🙂
  14. So today went pretty shitty I have to say. I was productive in the morning for about 3 hours but then I basically just gave up because I felt kind of bad again. I spend the rest of my day playing dota and watching netflix. However I am very determined to stop gaming now. I even downloaded the respawn guide again and printed it. I will read a bit of it now and I will conitnue reading it on the next days. I dont think I will ever be able to develope something like a reading habit while I still game. Because I will always choose gaming over reading - if I have to choice. I already uninstalled all my games right before this post. I think it will be quite difficult but I will do my best to stay strong. I am also even more motivated now that I saw that in the last 2 weeks I played 50 hours on steam alone. This doesnt include minecraft and netflix so I probably spend about 80 hours in the last 2 weeks watching shows or playing games. This means 40 hours per week which is basically a normal job which is just insane. I mean it would already be amazing to have 2 more hours a day but we are talking about much more than that. What did go well today was the fact that I took a walk which was nice. I also didnt eat any sugar and I will do my breathing exercises right after this post. I didnt work out but thats ok, tomorrow I will go for a run!
  15. I usually dont post during the day but I have some things on my mind right now that I wanted to bring to paper and I thougt it might be a good idea to do it here. So lately I have been declining quite a bit again. Even though my presentation went really well, everything else really didnt. I feel like I have to step up and become more physically and mentally healthy again. I have been quite stressed lately and I basically stopped working out because of my lower back pain but its not gonna go away by itself and if I dont start exercising a lot and regularly again I will soon start to spiral because I know myself. I also dont feel good mentally which is tightly connected to not exercising and sitting on my computer all day due to the home office situation. This depresses me and it drains my motivation because I have no way of dealing with the stress at the moment. I have also been feeling unhealthy in general lately. Low energy, low motivation, physical unwellness. None of it is serious but I know its on its way to get serious if I dont step in now. I want to establish some ground rules and or develope some habits that will get me back on track. 1. Workout 5 times a week and make it a priority. I neglected this a lot and I am paying the physical and emotional price for it. My lower back hurts and prevents me from doing real and fun workouts so I will have to fix this first. I will research a bit about which exercises and things I can do to solve this. I have had this for quite some time, always coming back again. So I know that its mostly related to my posture while sitting but also due to some muscular imbalances in my lower back / hip flexor region and that its also connected to tight hamstrings and weak butt muscles. So I will dig in there a little more. I also want to focus less on muscle building and more on general exercise and fitness for now because this seems more important. I also want to include stretching and foam rolling again because my body is a mess. 2. Take one walk every day. Even if its just a short walk this is vital for my wellbeing and I often skip on it because I am lazy or whatever. 3. Do well in my research job and university. I think I am partly feeling bad due to the fact that I fell behind everywhere at university because I was working on my presentation so much and also just gamed to much instead of putting in some extra hours. I feel like a bad student and an even worse employee. My last couple of lectures I didnt even finish watching because I am so behind that I just have no idea whats going on. I also find it really hard to concentrate on them as well which is probably because I am lacking exercise and some way to cope with the stress. 4. Do a breathing exercise every evening. That is something that I used to do for a while and it always made me feel better but at some point I stopped doing it because I was too lazy. This is something that I really need also for stress reduction and better sleep quality. 5. Quit sugar again. I basically didnt eat any sugar in the first 3 months of this year but started again a couple of weeks ago. I feel like my energy levels are down since then and I feel sort of inflamed. Starting from today I will quit sugar again. 6. Quit gaming alone. For the first time in quite some time I really feel like gaming has become a problem again for me. Because I am so stressed and have no real way to get it out of the system I fall back into gaming. Yesterday I felt so bad thinking about doing some work for my research job that I couldnt deal with it and just told myself it would be ok to game one day. So instead of actually suffering a little and solving a problem I kind of made it worse by escaping it instead of dealing with it. 7. I want to read. I had such big plans on reading and it went so well for a while until I stopped completely. I feel like this is partly due to the fact that I told myself I have to read before I can game. Because of that reading basically was just an obstacle that I had to get over to game. However if I remove gaming as a possibility maybe I can find a way to make reading a thing again. 8. So this point just came spontaneously from 7. I think it might be a real game changer to shut off my computer at 9 every evening if I dont have something I need it for. I will try this out starting tomorrow (because tonight I have my weekly discord meeting with my friends). I am committing to the things I just wrote and even if they might seem difficult I will do my best to follow through on them and of course I will post daily how everything goes.