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Dirac's Journal

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Hey guys,

I finally decided to write a journal here. I used to do it on a nofap forum. There I did it for like 70 days and then stopped because I felt like I dont need it anymore and I am proud to say I am at day 163 and its going great! 

So I thougt if it helped me this much on nofap, maybe it will help me with nogame aswell. 

I actually had been "clean" for about 2 weeks before I started to game again on monday. The week prior to that I was on vacation with my girlfriend and I felt so amazing on that vacation. I felt like I am actually alive again. I was interested in the world, in history, science and philosophy again. I just felt so good and read every evening. I didnt even watch netflix or youtube or anything. I felt calm, at peace, in love with the human existence.

But when I came home on monday after about 10 hours of traveling I thougt it would be justified to game because I was really tired and exhausted. Big mistake! I gamed for like 8 hours on monday then I gamed for another 10 hours on tuesday and already felt really bad and depressed again. Today it only got worse when I started the day with 3 hours of gaming. It only got worse when I stepped on a scale before my shower and I realised that I lost 4kg of muscle. This hit me really hard. I stopped working out regurlarly about 2 months ago and while gaming this much I also forgot to eat sometimes or just ate tiny snacks so I didnt meet my calorie requirements. Gaming just keeps on destroying parts of my life that I thougt I had under control.

So welcome to my daily journal. I will try to post every day, more for myself but I would love it if I could inspire others a little. I will talk mostly about how I felt everyday and what I did. Wether I was getting closer to my goals or just general stuff.

My goals right now are:

Train hard ! I will do the wolverine workout plan for the next 10 weaks and see where it gets me.

I also want to start reading again, and read for atleast 1 hour a day.

And I want to learn chinese for 20 minutes a day.

And I am sure there will be more that I will figure out on my way.

Kind regards

Dirac

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So the worst day went horrible because I can start straight from day 0 again as I woke up with a cold and all my initial motivation went out the window. I still struggle quite a bit with replacing game time with meaningful other stuff, especially now during my holidays. My plan was to work out alot and hard but now I have to wait till I recovered from my cold. I am actually thinking about starting to workout anyways and just go a little light and see how it goes. I am always scared its gonna make my cold worse somehow but I never really tried so far.

 

Hey Adminiculum, thanks for the wishes. I am an udergrad physics student, sadly I dont have any advice on hardmode nofa, because during the whole time I was in a relationship and went easy mode so to speak. But so far I think nofap and no game go very well together partly because for me having bad games in league always drove me to porn to feel better somehow. For hardmode nofap it would probably make sense to quit gaming aswell or whatever drives you to fap in the first place.

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I am quite embarassed to be honest. I started this journal entry thing, completely determined to stop gaming and then because I got sick I fell into a hole of gaming again and didnt even post once in this journal. I decided that from now on I will post everyday even if I am gaming and I will try to include the hours I gamed (if I did) just to keep tabs on my gaming problem. It really fascinates me in some way that I have so much trouble with it. 

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Ok first day passed.

I kind of enjoyed that day to be honest. I didnt have anything to do as I still have holidays and I am still sick so I really just gamed all day - about 10 hours. I didnt really do anything else. I didnt even cook I just ate leftovers from yesterday. I had quite some moments where I got really mad while playing dota where I was thinking about quitting again. But I am not that sick anymore and on monday I am starting a new workout routine.

Im kind of torn apart at the moment to be honest. Somewhere between wanting to stop gaming and not being sure if I really want to quit because I just dont know if I can actually fill this gap in my life. But tomorrow I am buying some furniture for my room and I am gonna redesign it. Im planning to make a real comfortable reading corner, maybe this will get me to read more. I am also putting it where my computer is right now, kind of hoping that due to some psychological effect it will still draw me into that corner of the room even when the computer is somewhere else. 

To be honest I am not even sure how I feel at the moment. I am not feeling bad but I am also not feeling great. I think quitting is always easier when you kind of hit a rock bottom because it gives you a lot of momentum in a way. Its really hard to quit when you are at a place that you can tolerate. In the end what do I want for myself? Do I want to have an amazing live, successful happy, being a strong smart man or do I want a chill live, kind of mediocre but in a way happy ? Lots of thougts in my mind right now but I am still planning to stop gaming.

 

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Second and third day passed.

Sadly I didnt find time to post yesterday as I was so involved in non gaming activities 🙂 . Yesterday I vistited a seminar at uni where they talked about founding start ups. It was interesting maybe I will do one some day. After that I went to Ikea with my dad and my girlfriend. I redesigned my room and got myself a beautiful reading corner. Today I spent about 2 hours reading in it already.

I can proudly say I did not game at all in those two days. 

Today I had a tiny breakdown when I realised how amazing the first half of the year went. From january till june everything went great. I was healthy, happy, exercised a lot and was successful in live and uni. But then in july after my exams I felt like I studied so hard that I deserved to game and just chill for a while. This turned into two months of no exercise, bad food, up to 12 hours of gaming per day and completly tossing out my good habits. 

Why did this happen? I think it all comes down to the fact that if you once had a problem with gaming or smoking or whatever you are always at risk of falling back into it. You always have to be super careful with it. Its kind of like not smoking for half a year and then having a cigarette while drunk at a party just to wake up with a huge craving and eventually giving in.

What I took from this thougt is that you never "made it". You are always gonna be struggling with stuff like that. Even if you went to the gym for 5 years straight. If you stop going for whatever reason you can lose the habit and then eventually the progress you made. From now on I will be more cautious.

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Fourth day passed.

Today was a really awesome day. My girlfriend was here the whole day and worked on some uni stuff while I was basically reading all day. I started a book called "the success principles" by Jack Canfield and its so amazing. I have had it since like 7 years and I read a while in it when I was like 18 but I couldnt really put what I read into perspective and didnt know what to do with it. I also didnt really apply the principles back then. But by now I have different attitudes towards this stuff. There was an exercise in the book about finding your lifes purpose and writing it down. I found it quite interesting how my views changed on it. Life does change you after all. When I was 18 I was really lost in life and at kind of a bad place. But since I started studying physics my life improved a lot.

Later in the book there was an exercise about visualising your ideal life. It was a very powerful exercise that I spent about 40 minutes on. I never asked myself such deep questions for such a long time it was very interesting and also scary. Why was it scary? I think the fact that I wrote it down kind of made it real in a way, like its something that I can now fail at or something that my success in life will be measured against. Very odd that something like an ideal life scares me but I guess it just puts pressure on me as a human being because I now know where my top is. Many people including me stop dreaming when they grow up. "Be more realistic" is what people tell us or "one in a million can do that why should that be you when there a smarter and better people than you?" . I think we should start dreaming again no matter if we are 14 , 25 or 45 years old.

I can proudly say I did not game at all today!

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So monday and tuesday passed.

I didnt find time to post again though, so I am doing it now. Those 2 days actually went really well. I went to a friends birthday and monday, spent time with my girlfriend on tuesday. I also went to boating school on monday and to the gym on tuesday. 

I did game on both days but only about 1-2 hours with a friend. I considered the way I gamed a healthy way of gaming that I can deal with, if I can keep it up like that 🙂

I also read a lot on both days which I am quite proud of. The reading corner pays of so far!

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I guess I havent been here for a while. I am reopening my journal. It all started last thursday when I got a cold again. I have been feeling very weird since then in general I believe some of my old problems might have resurfaced a little. On the weekend I had lots of doubt about the way I lived my past year. The past year in itself was actually pretty awesome. I have been and still am in a very loving and amazing relationship and the time from January till July was spent mostly on spending chill evenings with my girlfriend, going to the gym and to martial arts and on uni stuff. I have to say that especially the summer semester from april till july was amazing. I felt really good, energised , motivated and happy. I didnt game a lot, only every now and then and wasnt even sick once. Then in july I wrote 2 amazing exams in theoretical physics passing both with the best possible grade. Then for the third exam which was computer science, all my energy and motivation was gone. I felt like I did enough because of those 2 excams before and so I let it slide and failed. After that i spent 3 months basically gaming non stop. I was on holidays for 2 weeks in total and really enjoyed the time but apart from that I was basically gaming all day . I still spent time with my girlfriend but I hardly did anymore sports. I was basically super lazy. And that for 3months straight . 3 MONTHS!!! 

Since that it has been kind of a downward spiral. I tried to stop gaming several times but always ended up justifying it again and again. Whenever I start to feel good again I tell myself its ok to game because I am not feeling bad because of the gaming itself. But honestly I dont even know anymore. And by now I am feeling bad enough to give it another shot. From this day on I will stop gaming for the whole november and see if it makes me feel any better. If it fails to do so I might just start gaming again but if I start to not feel anxious and depressed anymore I will vow to not game ever again. Because I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to sit somewhere and smile into myself and not be anxious not be stressed. 

This one week in the holidays I went to edinburgh with my girlfriend and I was so happy. I felt so alive and good. I started to be interessed in things again. I just wanted to do stuff all the time like go to museums and everything. This feeling was completly gone the day I came back. Im just so mad at myself.

Im also so confused right now. I usually always know what to do in terms of what will make me feel better. But right now I am just lost. I still enjoy doing my uni stuff most of the time but this morning I missed the bus to uni and just went straight home to play dota 2 for 3 hours straight. I felt so bad after that. So incredibly bad. 

Just wish me luck guys I need it. 

Edited by dirac
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So the weekend went kind of well in a way . Im still strong on the no gaming part. I started to realise a little more how gaming has actually affected me. I have been so stressed the last few weeks because I have a huge workload this semester and this stressed me so much that I just did the bare minimum and gamed a lot just to cope with the stress. The problem was though that the more I gamed the more I fell behind and this weekend I could really see how far I have fallen behind. I will now focuss to catch up in the next few weeks.

The weekend itself was pretty cool, I went to really awesome halloween party on thursday night and went to my moms birthday on saturday. I noticed that I felt very short fused over the last days and felt quite depressed from time to time. I feel like its getting a little better already, tonight I woke up a couple of times  ,because I had intense dreams about gaming. One dream was very Dota like especially. 

I also went for a run today which was nice, as its the first form of exercise I got in the last 2 weeks because of the cold I got.

This week I wanna really kick ass in uni gonna try to do it all and work really hard for it!

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I just had nice idea that I want to follow through with. I decided that I am gonna post some kind of weekly challenge from now on. To keep myself busy, to improve and get out of my comfort zone a little. This weeks goal will be:

Wake up at 7am from monday to friday!

I want to start doing this, because I am really bad at working late. Some people love doing uni stuff at like 10pm at night but I just cant. If I do this (which Ive tried) I cant sleep because I am still so stressed and upset about whatever I was working on. I am more of a morning person when it comes to being productive. And because I have so much to do at the moment I thougt it might give me the opportunity to get back on track again.

I will post about how it went here. And I will do some kind of weekly challenge from now on, sometimes with the intention to keep it up and implement it as a habbit. Sometimes just to provide an interesting kind of challenge.

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I am glad to see that you are reading my journal Adminiculum 🙂 

So two days into the challenge of waking up at 7 . Yesterday was pretty nice, woke up easily and felt good! Today I was super tired for the majority of the day but I want to keep up the challenge till friday so I did it for the week. What I dont like so far is that it makes me very unflexible in terms of when I do what , like going out during the week is quite hard and if I want to work out I now have to make sure to go earlier. I guess its all about getting used to it. Lets see how tired I am tomorrow.

The no gaming is going pretty well , still clean since last thursday. But today I had quite some cravings when I felt super tired. I just wanted to go home and game. But it would have made me feel miserable again. Instead I was able to do quite some uni stuff which took a bit of stress off me which is nice. Because if I am less stressed I will experience less cravings. 

I am looking forward to the next couple of days 🙂

And by the way , I have been feeling so much better than last week its incredible. I am not depressed at all its amazing! I think I am on the right track with my no game november!

Edited by dirac
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exactly! Doing what you are actually supposed to do leads all the time to less cravings. We usually just cope with games instead of just do our damn school work, which make everything worse

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Yeah thats so true. Procrastinating actually makes everything worse I think. But its also important to find out why we procrastinate in the first place. 

Today I woke up at 7:30 , I thougt I would allow myself that as I had dinner with friends yesterday night. I felt so burned out today I got hardly anything done at all. During the last 2 weeks I was already thinking about dropping one of my courses because I was so stressed. I always told myself though, that I could just drop it later during the semester and just push through for now. But it just got worse. Yesterday I already felt quite burned out in the afternoon I wasnt really able to focuss on anything.Today it just got worse. My girlfriend started to be concerned and told me to drop the course because she felt like I am overdoing it. And an hour ago I decided to drop it. Its a Masters course that I dont have to do anyways. Its an extra course so to say, which doesnt make it that big of a deal. I still feel a bit like im pussying out in a way, like I should have been able to deal better with all this, but I really tried and I couldnt deal with the stress anymore. It just got more and more. I already started feeling some alert signs and I really dont want to see my physical and mental health decline because of overworking myself. 

With all this stress my gaming cravings are also increasing steadily. I think the stress problem might really be the reason why I gamed so much the last two weeks. Im still gonna keep doing the no game november though.

Today I went to workout and it was the first time this week I felt relaxed for an hour or so. As soon as I came out of the gym I instantly got anxious and stressed again.

So now that I dropped the course maybe things will get better now. I really hope so.

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So today I felt really great. I decided to sleep till 9 'clock which I did and I just felt so good after that. I was able to concentrate again and was actually being motivated. So I failed my weekly challenge of waking up at 7:00 but I learned something. If you push too hard it can backfire. The idea was to be more productive and effective but it turned out if you dont rest sufficiently and do other stuff than just work you will actually lose productivity. It motivated me to look more into the other parts of my life, like socialising, how much I sleep and work out and just do some relaxing/fun activities. Maybe I can include something like this in next weeks challenge.

I felt so good and unstressed today, I even worked on a physics problem till 20:00 o'clock and I usually dont like doing stuff late.

I also had some gaming cravings today but I managed to stay away from gaming and have a good time anyways. Now I am gonna go to bed and read a little. I really want to read more and since I stopped gaming I actually find myself craving for a book at night. Which I never had while I was still gaming.

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Friday was pretty awesome actually. I slept till 8 which I consider reasonable (went to bed at 12) , went to uni and had a quite productive and awesome day there. But during the day I struggle with a bit of pain in my ribs, which probably came from my martial arts class on wednesday night. I didnt really start to feel it until thursday night but on friday I could feel it throughout the day.

This made me realize that I really need to learn to deal with pain and sickness better. Whenever I have something, even if it is just a could or a very minore injury it bothers me a lot. I focuss on it thinking about what to do, what not to do, how to make it go away. This is often very draining for me and I also think its ridiculous. There are people living with severe pain and sicknesses all their life and they manage to be happier than I am and get more out of life at the same time.

I remember that I once read something about a famous sciencist or philosopher, sadly I dont recall who it was, he was very sick his whole life and was basically forced to stay in bed the majority of the day. But still ended up to be a major contributor to his field.

I want to be more like that. Less focussed on my misery which is not really worth talking about anyway. 

I also thougt about comfort a lot. I realised that I really dont like to be at uni that long, after a couple of hours I always crave my apartment again. I just want to sit in my comfortable armchair and read and drink tea. It is not even about productivity or anything. I feel like it would be good to stay longer at uni. 

The no gaming is still going quite well I guess. I still have cravings daily but I can manage. I notice that I am starting to get interested in other stuff more which is nice. Like reading or going out. I also have to say that since I stopped gaming over a week ago I felt much less depressed. I am not sure though if its actually from the gaming or just because I am starting the find my rythm for the semester.  

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Again it is time to journal! Today was nice, I had a bit of a hangover but I felt pretty good emotionally. I spent the majority of the day with my girlfriend and the evening with a friend working on a lab report. I didnt have any cravings to game. 

In october, I wrote down my semester goals. I was very determined to achieve them. I set them high but achievable. However already in the first two weeks I was so stressed and felt so miserable that I thougt those semester goals stressed me even more, because at that point I felt like I might not even pass my courses at all, so reading how I want to get amazing grades just depressed me. I just couldnt see myself reaching those goals. And because of all that I hid in gaming for a while again which of course just made everything a lot worse, because I fell more behind. And when I hit my little rock bottom there I just took down my semester goal sheet and threw it in the trash....

But during the last days I kind of recovered, by being productive , not gaming, socialising and doing sports. I believe it is time to give the semester goals another shot. I will write them a little different however, more realistic and more specific. I will also write down more than just my goals for uni because there is more to life. I also have health and fitness and social goals that I want to achieve. 

I am not planning to write my goals here but I might change my mind. The goals I am gonna write down are going to be oriented on the next 90 days which pretty much cover the rest of the semester. 

The whole point of why I want to write down goals again is because I feel like when I have a set of goals in the back of my head I find it easier to give a little extra. To stay a little longer at uni, to spent one more hour on that exercise sheet, to actually go through the script again or to go for a workout if I dont really feel like it. A sense of purpose always makes everything a little easier.

Also another week starts tomorrow, so its time to start a new challenge:

This week I want to foam roll everyday for 15 minutes as I feel like I am getting injured a little more easily lately and I think establishing a foam rolling routine might be a good idea to work on some injury prevention and help recovery from training.

 

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7 hours ago, dirac said:

so reading how I want to get amazing grades just depressed me. I just couldnt see myself reaching those goals

just took down my semester goal sheet and threw it in the trash....

Yeah it's hard to stay away from the "I'm not good enough" pit.

I heard this idea once though about goal setting that if you set a goal sufficiently high enough you should only be able to achieve 70% of it within a given time frame.
If you hit 100% your goal could have been higher.

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dirac u are awesome man ! no fab s definitely harder than no gaming and i am sure that u will achieve the 90 days detox here .

for me iam doing all the stuff together , no facebook , youtupe (unless it can be too important) no masturbation no porn  and no gaming !!!

sometimes i feel not sure about what i am doing and sometimes i feel motivated enough .

lets smash the gaming-desire together boys ! we can do it ! i am new here and iam motivated ! i can motivate u all .

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Yeah I heard that aswell, that you are always supposed to set goals that really force you to grow. I think I just kind of gave up when it got really difficult for me instead of pushing through. But now I am back on track. I mean if you achieve a goal by 100% it means you probably could have done better but you will never know because you settled for less. On the other hand though if you set goals that are way too high you might get more stressed than motivated. I mean if someone who has never done any running and weighs 300 pounds says he wants to run a marathon in 2 months its just not possible and will be rather demotivating.

Setting reasonable realistic goals that are motivating and forcing you to grow at the same time is something one has to learn by trial and error I guess.

Hey ismailkanaan thank you for your post! I also deleted facebook a while ago, that was one of my best decisions I ever made. It decreased my mindless browsing by a lot and I can focuss much better on other tasks because I dont feel like checking my facebook every 5minutes. 

Just make sure you dont just stay away from those things but also exchange them for good stuff. Like working out / cooking / learning a language / meeting friends, whatever seems like a good idea to you. Working through the respawn guide might be a good idea!

 

For me today was pretty nice, I got quite some stuff done at uni, I worked out and I took the bike to uni and back even though it was like 4° Celsius . I think I could have been a little more productive if I had stayed at uni longer and went at home later, but it was still an amazing day. 

Today I also remembered how incredibly bad I felt, just 11 days ago. I cant even believe how much it improved already since I started the no game november. I think gaming was really a major contributor to my bad feelings. This really gives me hope and motivates me to keep going with all of this. It seems like I am on the right path and I cant wait to see how much better it might get. 

One of the most amazing things I notice is , that I am so much more free in my decisions in terms of what I am doing. While I was still gaming I would chose gaming over meeting with friends or working out or cooking or reading. If I had the choice I would just play games. But now I really enjoy doing other stuff again and its making me very happy.

 

Keep up the moral guys we can do it!

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8 hours ago, dirac said:

On the other hand though if you set goals that are way too high you might get more stressed than motivated.

Yeah I agree with you. Setting unrealistic goals and then not achieving them can be pretty demotivating.

I guess, the way I see it, if you set a goal and don't reach it, yeah you may have to adjust the bar a little lower but at least that means you attempted something significantly difficult for yourself.

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Yes I agree. Its better to have a goal that is too high and adjust it afterwards, then doing the opposite. Because if you work hard towards it and realise it cant be done you probably grew more while attempting it, than you would have if you just set the goal low and actually achieved it.

Today was really amazing for me. I woke up early and went to uni, studied a little bit before my first lecture. After my first lecture I had an interesting conversation with my professor, it was really nice talking to him, because he is a really cool person. It also motivated me a little more for the course because I am still not sure if I am going to write the exam but now it seems more like it. I also had another course and then did some problems with a friend till like 7pm. I managed to stay at uni for about 10 hours and I just felt great. I didnt push myself super hard I just did it, because I was motivated. Of course I took breaks here and there but it already is a huge step out of my comfort zone to stay at uni this long.

Here again we are at the achievable goal setting. This semester is my most stressful so far and I am taking 3 courses + a lab course and a research job. At the beginning of the semester I wanted to write the best possible grade in all 3 courses, but then I felt so overwhelmed especially by the lab course that I felt like I would be lucky if I passed two of those courses at all. But now without the gaming I have more time and energy and I feel much more motivated, and the lab course is almost finished. I really want to do all 3 courses, it would be a pretty big achievement because then I would have had a higher workload than most of my classmates (who dont do research and only 2 courses this semester) and this thougt really pushes me in a way. I just want to grow and do more and be better than last semester. I mean I am 25 years old and I feel like it would be super sad if I would just stagnate and hit a level of achieving that I would hold from now on.

In the end I just always wanted to be very good at what I do. And the feeling of progress is amazing. Today I felt truly happy. Especially when I got home. I want more of those days. I cant believe quitting gaming for just 12 days can make such a big difference.


And the foam rolling challenge is also going well. I already feel a little more relaxed and like I have less aches in my body.

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Ok so today was kind of a shitty day. I woke up quite late at 9:00am which is an hour later than I planned. But I really had trouble sleeping the night before. Not sure why , maybe because I had too much coffee or spent too much time on the screens too late. Well but atleast I woke up very motivated. Until I had sex with my girlfriend, which was nice as always but I dont know if anyone else has this but after I have sex I am usually super chill and get instantly tired . I really lose my edge and this annoys me. It doesnt matter if it happens in the evening because by morning I am usually fine again, but when I do it in the morning it drains all my energy. And this made me a little angry at myself. I planned this day to be very productive but ended up only getting done half of what I wanted to do and because this week is super stressful I really would have needed that time.

But I did learn something for sure even if it is just not to have sex in the morning when I am planning to have a productive day 🙂 . I also managed to do my foam rolling which felt nice again. I also feel like I want a little bit more structure in my life, like going to bed and waking up at the same time everyday (atleast during the week) I think this would help me. 

Something else I noticed is that it is better for me to do my work and studies at uni instead of at home. Because at home there is always something irrelevant to do that takes away my focus, like washing dishes, washing clothes, tidying up room, buying something on amazon, chilling with my roomies in the kitchen. I mean all of this stuff is important but I can do all this when I get home aswell. And if dont spend all day at home I dont have to tidy up and wash dishes all the time.

I think its kind of a bad habit to rate days on how productive they are because life should be about more than productivity . Its just a bit difficult sometimes when you wanted a day to go like that and then it goes completly different.

Today I also decided to get an appointment with a doctor for my lower back pain which has been on and off for months. Since that started I worked out a lot less and it has caused me quite some discomfort and by now I can safely say its not gonna go away by itself so I better get a check up. Its probably nothing severe since the pain is rare and only occurs after lifting heavy objects but I really want to go back into grappling and weightlifting and while this injury persists I wont be able to do so.

But tomorrow I am planning to go for a run 🙂 

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