Dirac's Journal

[dirac]

So today and yesterday were kind of nice but also horrible. I had a fun evening yesterday at a friends birthday but I played games all day before that. And today I went to uni and everything was great but as soon as I was home I again played games for the rest of the day and also skipped going to the gym.

But again its about an online game. The one or two weeks I spent playing singleplayer games were really fine. But it seems like I just cant handle online games. Im about to make some decisions I guess.

Its obvious that there is no way I can play online games again. Online games are something I apparently have no control over. They pull me in like a kraken everytime. I mean just going back through some of my posts makes it obvious. They are my biggest weakness.

But I am also not sure about gaming in general. I think eventually its something I will have to give up at some point wont I? 

So my plan for now will be to not game until the holidays. So I can be productive for another week. Then I will be at my parents place anyway where I cant game. Thing is on the 31.12.2019 the warcraft 3 reforged full version will appear and I really want to play the campaign and I think I will allow myself 2 days in the holidays where I will just binge game. After that Im gonna uninstall it and not touch a game again till after my excams in march. 

The week was kind of nice though, I only went to the gym twice but thats still much better than not at all and I completed my stair taking challenge which I will keep up !

[dirac]

Today was also pretty cool, I spent the entire day with my girlfriend and it was really nice. 

I also had to deal with quite a bit of neck pain because I gamed so much in the last 3 days and didnt do any sports. I feel like I will make a big change in my life again and the new year is a good place to start. I think I will write down some stuff that I dont like in the next two weeks and then make a list of changed before the 31.

So why not start now:

I dont like how physically lazy I have become

I dont like how physically unfit I have become

I dont like how unhealthy I am eating right now and how much money I spend on food

[dirac]

So yesteray i forgot to post but I am in kind of a weird state right now. I have no motivation for uni whatsoever mostly because its the last week of uni this year and I just want christmas holidays so I can kind of gather and recollect myself. 

I basically gamed all day but I went to the gym in the evening which is huge win for me right now because the fitness part is the one im struggling most to get under control again.

I started listening to the game quitters podcast and I really like it. Already finished 2 episodes and gonna keep listening on my way to uni later. 

The podcast kind of gave me an idea on how to proceed. Im just gonna let it all slide for this week and then I am gonna be at my parents house for about a week so I cant game anyways. On the 31.12. the warcraft 3 reforged campaign will be out and I will allow myself two days , probably the 2.1 and the 3.1 to binge play through the campaign. After that I will start the 90 days reboot and not touch a game till march. And there will be no excuses. Not a single game will be touched.

About what I want to change:

I dont like how undisciplined I have become

[dirac]

Today was kind of nice. I went to uni 2 hours later than usual but again its the last week of this year so I am kind of fine. I was quite sore because of yesterdays workout. This made me quite happy and I am feeling very motivated for working out at the moment :). 

I am also really looking forward to this 90 day of no gaming thing. I feel like this will be a perfect start into the new year. 

I was thinking about the past year a little more and I just realised that this was the year I quite masturbating! I completely forgot but this was actually something I was trying to do for years. I can proudly say I didnt fap for 258 days now. 

Its so easy to forget major achievements and just focus on the bad stuff or the stuff that is not right. But one should always remember the big victories. This was also the year were I wrote my best exams so far.

But there are always some areas where you can improve. And I will do that !

I also didnt game today. Mostly because I didnt have time to do so.

The rest of the week is also gonna be quite full with stuff so I might not game much in general

[dirac]

Today was an interesting day. In my 10 o clock lecture I was really focused and motivated. 

When I later started working on my deep learning exercise with my friend all my motivation was gone. I kind of used the fact that this is the last week before the holidays as an excuse to slack off. I think it was also because the exercise was very difficult and even after a couple of hours we didnt get anywhere. 

Later we met at a friends place for some drinks and played smash bros and mario cart together. It was a really funny evening. 

On my way home I realised that my gaming addiction actually goes back way further than I thougt. I always thougt it started at like 10 or 11 years old when I played age of empires 2 but it actually started at 6 when I got my first gameboy with pokemon. I was basically addicted as soon as I started playing. Of course I was only allowed to play like 2 hours a day or something but I very soon found was to cheat this. I remember I always pretended to study while actually hiding the gameboy under the book. 

Its actually scary how long gaming has been such a big part of my life.

I also checked the hours I spend on steam which were 4000 in the last 6 years which is probably not even half of what I have played in my life since I have been gaming about 19 years now.

This is indeed depressing but also motivating because it makes me wonder what my life could be without gaming at all for a long period of time. 

[dirac]

Oh I just realised I didnt post at all yesterday. At the moment I am in kind of weird place because I know I will quit gaming for atleast 90 days as soon as I go to my parents house this sunday. So I basically just game hardcore at the moment knowing thats its basically the last opportunity for me to game for a long time maybe forever. I am kind of doing this to get sick of it so its easier to quit but also because I just really dont want to do anything else.

Im looking forward to this no gaming so much I cant even tell. I think its gonna make my live so much better. 

2019 was the day I quit masturbation

2020 will be the year I quit gaming!!

 

[dirac]

Day 1 and 2:

So yesterday, saturday was my first day of not gaming. It went well because I had kind of a lot to do. I started packing and we prepared for the christmas party with our flatmates. I thougt about gaming here and there but there wasnt any time or opportunity to play anyways. 

The christmas party was really cool. I really love my flatmates. They are kind of like family to me. I had quite some red wine though so I had a little hangover this morning which brings us to day 2.

Day 2 started really nice, I had breakfast with my girlfriend and my flat mates. After that I finished packing and went to my parents house. Now the nexr couple of days it will be quite easy to not game because I just dont have the opportunity here. This will give me a nice headstart of about a week I guess.

I am also really looking forward to christmas. Spending time with my family, not having anything to do for a few days and maybe even some cool gifts.

I really have some much hope in my 90 day quitting. I have been gaming for basically my entire life and put every free minute into gaming from 12-18 years. I usually didnt feel bad about it because I was kind of happy while doing it but now that I am 25 I start to look at my life and realise how much I could have done, what I could have acomplished, who I could be today if I had put that time into something else. And the older I get the more depressing this thougt will become. I really want to see what I am capable of, how happy I can be without gaming. 

[dirac]

Day 3 , 4 and 5

So I didnt post much because its christmas and I didnt find the time yesterday. There is not much to say about gaming because as I already mentioned I have no opportunity to play here so its not that hard to stay sober.

Christmas has been pretty nice so far. Great food, great gifts(like really great) and nice quality family time. I called my uncle yesterday to wish him merry christmas and the talk made me quite sad. He has cancer since a few months and he probably doesnt have that much time left on this earth. I mean he is already over 70 years old but what makes me sad is basically his whole life. He is one of the smartest people I know, sometimes I feel like hes kind of a genius, he has very interested mind. He also paints very well. He is just an overall fascinating person. But because back in the day you were not allowed to chose your job, you just did what your parents did he was not allowed to go to university he had to take over his fathers smith. He never wanted to do that he always wanted to become a history teacher. And he always hated doing it but there was no way out. Eventually he delevoped a depression because of that.

Seeing this smart man who always had a love for history and art and philosophy being refused the life he wanted and in the end dying to cancer is just so sad to me. It also makes me realise how lucky I am. That I can do what I love and have the opportunity to express myself the way I see fit. I feel like I owe it to him and basically his whole generation to be more grateful about the fact that I can do that. I feel a little guilty that I sometimes complain about having to do stuff that I dont wanna do while some people live the whole life like this.

I got quite some cool science books that I am really eager to read. I want to read them so much that whenever I got the opportunity and started to read. Im feeling pretty good and I am quite excited about this no gaming still. I really want to see what I am capable of and I will never find out as long as I still game.

[dirac]

Hi guys so I wasnt here for a while as you can guess I gamed the shit out of the last couple of days. It all started when I went back home after christmas. I got quite severe neck pain and headache for a reason I dont know yet. For the first 2 days it lasted I just layed in bed and watched netflix. Stayed clean so to say. The neck pain was just too bad to game anyway. But after it got slightly better I felt too bad to do anything productive and was sick of netflix so I just told myself some stupid reasons and lies about why its ok to game now. 

And I just come from a 8 hour gaming session. So again its time to quit. I find it really weird that I have no problem to do stuff with my girlfriend or go to uni or whatever but as soon as I am home and feel bored/ dont know what to do I am craving games like hell and once I started its just soooo hard to stop.

I just uninstalled all my games and tomorrow morning I will put my second upstairs because my 2 screen setup also triggers me way too much. I will read the respawn guide again starting tomorrow and I also downloaded like a day counting app that I will use daily to motivate myself.

Its really hard to quit when you enjoy gaming that much. But I guess thats kind of the case with every addiction. 

But I am 25 now and I think its about time I get my life in order.

So starting today with day 0.

[dirac]

Day 1 -> success!

Today I didnt game. It was a really great day I could finish a lot of stuff on my to do list and I somehow feel really confident in the no gaming. I had no neck pain at all today which is great. I felt pretty decent and happy the entire day. The coming weekend will be a very productive uni weekend.

Two days ago I did my new years goals together with my girlfriend. We spent 5 hours talking about our goals and how the last year went it was really amazing. Today I revisited the list I made with her and wrote it on a big piece of paper and put it on my wall. I have so many goals on that list that make me feel really amazing. Looking at it actually gives me a push. I feel motivated and confident and I will do everything I can to keep this up. 

2019 was basically my best year so far and 2020 will be way better because I learned from my mistakes and I will rock this year!

[Amphibian220]

You know what blocks and extinguishes desire to game? 

This honest thought process (Credit to Cam Adair’s vlog):

This is not real activity, but only a very contrived make-believe. You think you are in a game, but you are not just in a game. You are staring at a very carefully engineered concoction that preys on your vulnerabilities, makes your cognitive abilities weaken. The game isn’t so concerned with giving you a challenge, the game is concerned with trapping you in a loop of certain emotional dependence. You are the target of the game, not the other way round. This frankness arms you with the most potent weapon.

imagine you detect that a seller wants to cheat you. All of his sales talk will fall on deaf ears from that moment. 

When you play a real activity (like football) you will always move in the direction of securities. Your physical, mental faculties will take benefit.

When you play these video games you will always move in the direction of insecurities. Are you ready to trade?

that mirage immediately becomes evident to me, when I go through that process.

Edited January 4, 2020 by Amphibian220

[dirac]

Day 2 -> success!

I dont really understand what you mean Amphibian, what does move in the direction of securities mean? And I also dont understand the idea of thinking you are in a game?

So day 2 was really nice I spent some time reading and felt pretty good throughout the day. Sadly I spent too much time on youtube which I will decrease from now on. I still have this mindset that watchin a documentary is something I consider productive but if we are honest its not much different from watching a show on netflix. 

Today I will start doing uni stuff again and tomorrow I will officialy start the exam preparation phase.

I will talk about day 3 later tonight when its actually is done ?

[Amphibian220]

Doing healthy activities protects you from mental and physical disorders, keeps you in the real world. You are thus moving towards security.

second question. Being in the game.

As you sit in front of the screen to play, after some time, you are in the game. You stop noticing other things, like the passing of time, you also dont pay attention to he buttons you press, you are submerged in this world. You think its a challenge, but it is something hostile to you.

It exploits your emotions to get you hooked, so when you begin to understand this point you stop trusting that emotion “i want to play”. Cam Adair explained how your brain gets manipulated for quick and easy rewards and it is asking for more and more. Just becoming aware of the manipulation process, gets you to trust your cold judgment and to distrust your desire.

hope this clears up any confusion.

Edited January 5, 2020 by Amphibian220

[dirac]

Ah I see that makes a lot of sense! It did clear up the confusion indeed ?

[dirac]

Day 3 & 4 -> success !

Sadly I didnt manage to post yesterday, but I will try to do it everyday. I feel like it really gives me a lot. It helps to reflect and also visit how far you have come so far. 

Yesterday was pretty cool spend most of the day with my girlfriend, even went to the gym together which was also fun, shes kind of starting to workout so its nice to see her picking it up and Im kind of interested how it will effect her. It always made me feel  a lot better about myself. Not in terms of looks but mostly because it gives you more confidence and you just feel stronger.

Today was my first day of uni this year. It didnt go as well as I hoped but it was still cool. I am definitely happy that the holidays are over now and I can get back at it. I also went to the gym again today which I am very proud of because its the first time since months that I went on 2 days in a row.

My girlfriend and I have been doing a no sugar challenge since january 1. and so far I feel really amazing. I have so much energy I dont even know where to put it. Its fascinating. My mood is also much better and I dont feel as horrible anymore when I am hungry. If I will continue to feel this good for the rest of the month I am considering not eating sugar ever again because its pretty lit.

Tomorrow I want to make sure I stay at uni longer and be more focused. The goal is to leave the house at 9 so I am at uni around 9:30 and stay at uni till exactly 18:00 . Unless I am already done with my computer science exercise but thats unlikely.

I like how I am starting with quite some momentum into this year. I also really believe in the no gaming !

[ElectroNugget]

Love the idea of a no sugar challenge! I need to try that. 😄

Keep it up dude! As for posting daily, if you don't have time for a long post, just check in and write one sentence! Good way to keep the habit up. 🙂 

[dirac]

Day 5 -> success!

@ElectroNugget I can definitely recommend it so far ! We are not doing it super extrem though. We still eat fruit and drink juice without added sugars. But its definitely hard so far. The sugar cravings are like much more intense than the gaming cravings ! But its also very beneficial I have so much energy I dont even know where to put it. I feel like I could workout everyday and I just dont get that tired anymore. And I am hungry all the time its kind of fun. My girlfriend reports the same things so far and we are both in a much better mood aswell! Lets see how the rest of the month goes though I hope it doesnt get bad at some point

And I think its a good idea to post daily even if its just one sentence I will do that 🙂

The no gaming is going really well I dont have any cravings and I dont even have the time at the moment because I am quite busy and when Im home I rather watch netflix or read something 🙂

Edited January 7, 2020 by dirac

[Amphibian220]

You’ve inspired me mate!

Up this tomorrow, Score a major victory and I will go to a war with you

[dirac]

Day 6 -> success !

@Amphibian220 Hey I am glad to hear that 🙂 which part inspired you ? The no sugar part? 

So for me the whole day was definitely a major victory ! I spent 9 hours at uni,  being focused for like 80% of the time. I got a lot done and I felt really good when I went home. Next week I will try to stay for 10 hours for one day. 

And all the effects of the no sugar I described are still present. Didnt get tired at all felt energised the whole day! And motivated aswell!

When I went home at 7 I still felt great, I went straight to buy groceries and ended the productive part of my day at 8 which is pretty awesome. 

The no gaming is also still going great! I cant even imagine gaming at the moment because there is so much stuff I rather want to do! Like workout or read or study or spend time with my girlfriend! 

Really feeling blessed! But my lower back problems apeared again today, I dont care though. Im gonna foam roll everyday and gonna call a specialist tomorrow morning so I can get this fixed asap!

[dirac]

Day 7 -> success !

Gonna keep it short because I want to sleep:

- didnt feel as great as yesterday

-still stayed at uni till 6

-was very productive

-went to gymnastics for the first time (because im still not allowed to do martial arts and weight lifting)

    -enjoyed it , worked on handstand mostly

-> no gaming cravings

good day!

[dirac]

Day 8 -> success !

Today was another really great day. I woke up a little later than usual, 8:45 instead of 8:30 because me and my girlfriend went to bed late but I was still super productive and stayed at uni for seven and a half hours. I felt really great, was very focused and productive and in a pretty good mood!

So far this week has been pretty insane. I worked 40 hours so far and gonna put in a couple more tomorrow and worked out 3 times. I really want to keep it up ! I am going to workout again on sunday and also make sunday a uni/work free day.

Today I really struggled with going to the gym though because it was late and I felt lazy but I managed to pull myself together and go anyway and it was one of the best workouts I had in quite some time. Its just fascinating how working out always feels best when you were not really up for it. 

I can really say I am very happy with how my life is going right now. But next week I want to see my girlfriend more often because I didnt see her enough this week. The gym and work life are going great so far!

[ElectroNugget]

 

18 minutes ago, dirac said:

Its just fascinating how working out always feels best when you were not really up for it. 

Haha, this is so true man. It's really hard to go sometimes but it's always worth it. Unless you're sick as a dog or something you can pretty much be guaranteed you'll come out of the gym feeling better. Funny how our brains try to convince us otherwise...

[dirac]

Day 9 -> success !

But it was a horrible day. Really horrible. I think I overworked myself a little this week. It would have been fine if I had just taken a break today but I wanted to go to uni to work for 5-6 more hours. 

So I went to uni but I already felt a little burned out as soon as I started working. Even though the project I was working on really interests me I felt bad the entire time. I just felt exhausted physically and mentally. On top of that nothing at all worked today. I didnt achieve anything at all in the entire day so I decided to just call it a day and go home after 3 hours.

After dinner I also felt really bad. I think its from the stress I put on myself this week. I guess there is a point to having a weekend and I will try to find a little more chill approach. Maybe I will just work from home on wednesday or go home from uni at 5 everyday and work saturdays a little more. I just know that I have to do something.

Today was also the first time I experienced cravings to game. It was also the first day where I felt bad. Gaming was my absolute go to activity when I was sick or felt bad. I just really dont like experiencing those feelings and gaming was the best way to escape them. I havent really found any activity that can replace gaming as my escape but we will see, maybe I can find something else. Another approach would be to just not feel like this in the first place but I dont know if that approach makes a lot of sense because its not fully under my control.

Well well lets see lets see.

[dirac]

Day 10 -> failure ! -> played for 3 hours

So today I gamed. It was a more or less conscious decision. I woke up with a migraine because apparently the week was to stressful. I already felt it yesterday that I overdid it but today I had to pay the price I guess. Was basically laying around most of the day and while my girlfriend went to the gym I played some warcraft 3 reforged.

But I honestly dont feel that bad about it. I just still havent found anything that is as relaxing to me as gaming or that provides an escape as gaming. 

I mean I am already meditating every evening for about 20-30minutes but this might just not cut it. 

I also skipped going to the gym because of my migraine.

I talked about gaming with my girlfriend today and I kind of realised that I dont know if I really want a life without gaming at all. I think at some point in my life it is gonna happen, like when we have children latest but to be honest my ideal relationship with gaming is that I can play for a couple of hours here and there without neglecting other parts of my life.

This week for example I managed to not game at all (except of today) but instead I was watching 2+ hours of netflix every evening. I think productivity has its limits and when you come after 8 hours of uni and a workout you just dont want to spend your time on something productive. 

And in the end if I have to decide between watching netflix for 2 hours or gaming for 2 hours I would pick gaming any day because it just gives me so much more.

I mean last year I managed to have a very healthy and reasonable relationship with gaming for the first 6 months without even thinking about it. 

From now on I will try to establish something like this again.

What is reasonable though is the question? I think playing everyday for instance is too much. I think the best way to start this is to record my game time really exactly. I will of course continue to post in the forum everyday post what I played and how many hours and how I feel about it.

So apart from gaming this week was actually pretty awesome but in the end it was too much. I think I will go home an hour earlier from now on especially if I plan to workout otherwise its just way too stressful. Because its also pretty difficult to be productive for 8 hours everyday because I am actively studying. 

I think I still have a lot to learn about how much of what is really good for me. 

[dirac]

Another day -> failure ! gamed for about 6 hours

Today was horrible. I felt like complete shit physically. I slept for about 8 hours and 30 minutes and I felt so bad. I could hardly focus on anything at uni today and the bike ride home that I have taken almost everyday for more than a year felt sooo exhausting. I really wanted to go to the gym but I just didnt manage to go because I felt so week. 

And because I felt that bad I just gamed all evening. I dont even feel bad about it though because when I feel like this there is just nothing else I want to do.

I just really hope I will feel better tomorrow....