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Luiz  F.

Dating life after long time being single

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So I'm 28 right now, and it's been a long time that I don't get in a relationship (5 years or so).

I thought that by moving to Canada things would change, I mean, myself basically. But I feel like it's getting worse with time, to the point that I feel lonely but I don't have the WILL to get into a relationship or to approach girls..

The last girl that I approached with the intention of getting a date? I can't remember. The last time I kissed a girl was last year was in this big festival in Brazil, 3 days of partying and free booze, with around 10k people. Everyone on that party was there to hook up, but I couldn't do shit. Luckily I hooked up with some random girl that I wasn't even attracted to - for a few seconds. 

The thing that annoyed the hell of me is, in this party, I remember that I was there with the intent of doing what everyone else wanted, but even if girls would stare at me, I couldn't do SHIT, even being a little bit drunk, I would just freeze and "enjoy the music". 

My point is.. I don't know how to date anymore, how to seduce, how to stop having this fear of rejection and just enjoy, you know?

It's been 18 days that I haven't played games, and soon I will be starting dancing classes which I think is gonna help me. And I also have been going to gym for the past 5 months. But I feel like I didn't change a bit in matter of dating life since I haven't done anything focused on this matter.

Have any of you guys gone through this? I wanna hear your stories and tips would also be appreciated ?

Thanks for reading all this drama

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i was watching a movie then someone said " you will never find love if you are too scared to put yourself out there ! "

i never had a girlfriend in my life neither kissed a girl while i am 20 years old now! and in a country that is a huge sepration betwin girls and boys and most of them have bad attitude to eachother but recently i started asking girls to go out but eveytime they reject me! i think 3 or 4 girls . i spoke to them in wrong way i dreesed bad and so on. just don't be scared if you are not going to ask them out then how do you want to find a girl friend? btw , about not playing games for 18 days that's very good brother !when you want to make progress in your life you do it step by step . don't need to take 5 step 5 step . just get better than yourself in yesterday

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exactly what @reza Mrb said.

In addition, be yourselve. Don't try to immitate someone if you talk to girls.

Being social needs to be learned, like playing an instrument for example. For normal you do learn to socialize if your young, but gamers miss that part for normal.
So start to take the only education class where it's ok to make mistakes your the teacher and student at the same time, and noone can teach you anything.

On 8/16/2019 at 4:58 AM, Luiz F. said:

The thing that annoyed the hell of me is, in this party, I remember that I was there with the intent of doing what everyone else wanted, but even if girls would stare at me, I couldn't do SHIT, even being a little bit drunk, I would just freeze and "enjoy the music". 

What helped me alot is, stand infront a mirror and laugh. Meditation, cleaning up and getting a new dress. In short, do everything to build up your own style. In the end it's a market, and dont get that in a sad way.

On 8/16/2019 at 4:58 AM, Luiz F. said:

My point is.. I don't know how to date anymore, how to seduce, how to stop having this fear of rejection and just enjoy, you know?

Thats propably your problem. There is no "world formula" in meeting girls or dating.

On 8/16/2019 at 4:58 AM, Luiz F. said:

It's been 18 days that I haven't played games, and soon I will be starting dancing classes which I think is gonna help me. And I also have been going to gym for the past 5 months. But I feel like I didn't change a bit in matter of dating life since I haven't done anything focused on this matter.

5 Months is a really short period of time. You can not expect to find a girl right away. Just don't loose the friendly part you have.

On 8/16/2019 at 4:58 AM, Luiz F. said:

Have any of you guys gone through this? I wanna hear your stories and tips would also be appreciated ?

More man gone throught this, that you can think off.

Good Luck.

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On 8/20/2019 at 4:50 AM, reza Mrb said:

" you will never find love if you are too scared to put yourself out there ! "

Yeah that's a really good quote Reza, it gets me every time since putting yourself out there sometimes is very difficult, but most of the times is just because you're not used to it (speaking of myself lol). 

 

 

58 minutes ago, creationlist said:

In the end it's a market

I agree. And I don't take it in the bad way, after all when we are trying to find a partner we are just putting ourselves on the market, and the best "product" will have more success.

 

Thanks for the replies guys, I will get a lot better, just the beginning is hard!

 

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Hey man. 

I feel you. I've also been struggling with finding a new gf after moving to a new country. 

It's a very big journey that you've set yourself on and I think there's plenty of personal development involved with attracting the right partner. 

I suggest you read books related to being a "Pick up artist" (PUA) and start applying step by step as they suggest. DON'T SKIP STEPS. Apply the knowledge. Otherwise you'll just be a walking library. 

That being said... The knowledge from. PUA is just meant to increase your confidence and thicken your skin to rejection (which you should consider sooo normal). But don't use this info to turn yourself into a "player" or become a jerk. Just to better yourself. 

 

Then once you do this you will eventually meet someone in your social settings. At the gym, at the dance classes... Wherever you go out and hang.

I met my current girlfriend using this strategy (at the gym where we train). 

Above all, don't despair and don't lose hope. It's ok to experience loneliness and pain. Look you wouldn't be here asking how to improve otherwise. 

I know, because I do it way less now. So just use that energy and drive to BECOME a better version of yourself. Then girls will want to hang out with you and be your partners in life. 

 

Best of luck! 

Leo B

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Check out https://www.girlschase.com/

There are many great articles on there backed up by science. If you want the streamlined version of all the information there is a OneDate course that takes you step by step on how to get better with girls. I bought the OneDate course myself and found a lot of useful information.

On 8/29/2019 at 4:13 AM, Leo B said:

Hey man. 

I feel you. I've also been struggling with finding a new gf after moving to a new country. 

It's a very big journey that you've set yourself on and I think there's plenty of personal development involved with attracting the right partner. 

I suggest you read books related to being a "Pick up artist" (PUA) and start applying step by step as they suggest. DON'T SKIP STEPS. Apply the knowledge. Otherwise you'll just be a walking library. 

That being said... The knowledge from. PUA is just meant to increase your confidence and thicken your skin to rejection (which you should consider sooo normal). But don't use this info to turn yourself into a "player" or become a jerk. Just to better yourself. 

 

Then once you do this you will eventually meet someone in your social settings. At the gym, at the dance classes... Wherever you go out and hang.

I met my current girlfriend using this strategy (at the gym where we train). 

Above all, don't despair and don't lose hope. It's ok to experience loneliness and pain. Look you wouldn't be here asking how to improve otherwise. 

I know, because I do it way less now. So just use that energy and drive to BECOME a better version of yourself. Then girls will want to hang out with you and be your partners in life. 

 

Best of luck! 

Leo B

Hey how did you approach your girl at the gym? I've been thinking about this myself but literally everyone except me is listening to their music and focusing on their workout. I feel like if I interrupt someone to talk to them it'll be annoying and I won't necessarily get a warm reception.

Edited by seriousjay

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22 hours ago, seriousjay said:

I never needed any of this pickup stuff to meet girls. I even did not need it to meet my ex girlfriend.

I think all of that pickup stuff is just money making.

Maybe it helps people, but honestly I think I am to stupid to understand all of it.

So I am/was better off just being myselfe ?

No offense, but every dollar not spent directly on a girl is wasted money in my eyes. I think you have better success investing the money in flowers and present them to random girls or a drink for cool people who you met somewhere than spending it on such a course.

Only real indirect advantages with money is going to the gym if your a man. I think we have the same thoughts over this.

22 hours ago, seriousjay said:

There are many great articles on there backed up by science.

I flew over the first five articles, where is since involved? Maybe I just missed it becouse I just get so tired reading this stuff ?

In what way did this pickup stuff help you? Approaching girls? Getting girls into bed? Do you have a family now? Do you earn more money at work with this courses now? Just asking, becouse I never met someone in my life, who had some advantages with that pickup stuff.

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13 hours ago, creationlist said:

I never needed any of this pickup stuff to meet girls. I even did not need it to meet my ex girlfriend.

I think all of that pickup stuff is just money making.

Maybe it helps people, but honestly I think I am to stupid to understand all of it.

So I am/was better off just being myselfe ?

No offense, but every dollar not spent directly on a girl is wasted money in my eyes. I think you have better success investing the money in flowers and present them to random girls or a drink for cool people who you met somewhere than spending it on such a course.

Only real indirect advantages with money is going to the gym if your a man. I think we have the same thoughts over this.

I flew over the first five articles, where is since involved? Maybe I just missed it becouse I just get so tired reading this stuff ?

In what way did this pickup stuff help you? Approaching girls? Getting girls into bed? Do you have a family now? Do you earn more money at work with this courses now? Just asking, becouse I never met someone in my life, who had some advantages with that pickup stuff.

GirlsChase is not really PUA material. In fact, and I may be wrong, but Chase (the site's creator) actually discourages traditional PUA techniques.

The science behind his ideas is actually presented in the OneDate course, which again is not a PUA course. It's a structured approach that helps you go from nothing to getting a date to taking a girl to bed to retaining her after sex. Essentially he pored over years of research conducted by people (everything is cited in the course, FYI) to inform his advice. He goes over things like how to approach a woman, which types of approaches work and which don't, how to keep your conversation from hitting a dead end, what to do when certain things happen, etc.

To be completely clear, literally everything he talks about can be and eventually is learned from simply going out and meeting women. You pick up what works and what doesn't through experience, and much of what he teaches eventually does become second nature. It's just that many men don't necessarily realize why what they do isn't working and it may take them years to figure it out. The course simply takes all the mystery and guesswork out of it.

It's entirely possible that you already know everything he has to say, and that's great for you if that's the case. ? Many men out there aren't so lucky, including myself. What I've gotten out of it so far is more confidence that I can successfully steer a date in the right direction and that I can more quickly identify what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. My dating game has gotten better very fast just from arming myself with the knowledge he provides.

To be completely clear though, his material is largely geared towards getting girls into bed as soon as possible, which he claims is the key to keeping her around as a girlfriend, or as a friend with benefits or whatever else you might want. It uses a scientific approach to create attraction between yourself and a girl and while she may feel attraction for you, it's entirely possible that you don't feel much for her. I would even argue that it borders on psychological exploitation personally since it tasks men with taking advantage of the things most women crave to see from men.

It's all still just a different kind of dating advice and like with all advice, your mileage may vary and it's up to the individual to decide what's useful and what isn't. I am personally a virgin and have never really had what I'd describe as a real romantic relationship in my life and if the next girl I do have a relationship with is the only one, I would be quite satisfied with that. So in that sense, techniques to get as many women into bed as possible aren't that useful to me. Identifying the traits that women look for in a man and that are seen as attractive and how to improve them (stuff he goes over) are very useful to me and where I've found the most value in the course. Additionally, I really don't care much for the mystery aspect and figuring it out for myself because I just don't have time for that.

Sorry for the long winded response but I do hope it helped to clarify some things!

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Lol that dating advice stuff is so cringey. For some reason I've been seeing lots of ads for it on my YouTube account lately. I watched one all the way through just to see if anything has changed since I was desperate and reading about it back in like 2005 (it hasn't) and I think now the algorithm things that I just love that kind of ad.

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Just something out of curiousity. As I was just discussing something about the nofap movement with @ceponatia isn't this a similar problem with the pickup movement? Some dudes, which try to come up with a concept to solve a serious problem (giving guys some confidence to deal with approach anxiety and so that they can start dating), but turned it into some kind of pseudoscience, where it becomes quite complicated and messy with the goal to turn you into some kind of superman? And then claim to have better health, more confidence, more sex, better skin and whatever they claim happens? Nofap does the same, only that they tried to help porn addicts and are now turning not fapping into a pseudoscience where your absinence will also turn you into superman. I see some comparable aspects. ^^

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I think the big difference here is that the people behind the pick up artist books and classes know they're bullshitting people and ripping them off. Most of the NoFap community genuinely want to help each other although I believe the founders are having a bit of a laugh.

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@ceponatia I mean, isn't this way of support similar to the support on gamequitters? Like counting the number of days of not fapping and counting the number of days of not gaming? With the promise that after 100 days of not fapping or 90 days of gaming detox the "magic" begins, where you start to feel a lot better? 😄

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On 2/24/2020 at 7:58 AM, Alexanderle said:

@ceponatia I mean, isn't this way of support similar to the support on gamequitters? Like counting the number of days of not fapping and counting the number of days of not gaming? With the promise that after 100 days of not fapping or 90 days of gaming detox the "magic" begins, where you start to feel a lot better? 😄

The 90 days is just a goal to work towards. The whole point of removing video games from your life for 90 days is to give you enough time to replace video gaming with other activities that fulfill the same needs.

Maybe part of the issue is that people who get addicted to video games generally have significant underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed first and foremost. This is why so many people try and fail I think. Video games are like a drug to many of us. We can abstain for a while but eventually we need the high again and it's only through very concerted effort and self-discipline that we can force ourselves to not go back to it. Sometimes this is successful, even long-term. But I think without tackling whatever issues brought you to video games in the first place, it's hard to set yourself up for success.

I used to think I just needed to try harder. That I didn't want it bad enough. This advice works for some people, but for many of us it won't because that isn't the problem.

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When it comes to meeting women the most common mistake we men make is that we pretty much dont do anything and expect to have results.

What do I mean?

If you want to meet people , or girls in particular you have to TRY.

Taking dancing classes is a good step I think , but you need to actually talk to girls before/after the classes , to get to know them and/or work out a date.

Meeting girls through social circle ,requires you to be decently social so make a concious effort.

Meeting girls in bars and such is a whole different animal, and it's basically a lot of trial and error.

You have to show up in life, in order to achieve anything.So you should , at your own pace, throw yourself out there and trying talking to people and girls.

Always be you, and play at your strenghts.

If you lack motivation it's proabably because of the fear of the unkown and the fear of you not being good enough.Try talking to girls without any particular intention,just chat and make small talk,  lower your standards a bit, if you have positive interactions with a few girls , you will soon get the hang of it.

 

I used to be big on the PUA stuff and even though I quit about 2 years ago feel free to message me if you want to talk about it fruther.

Good luck out there soldier

 

 

Edited by addict10n

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Socializing is a skill that we lose very quickly when we don't practice it, I've found. If you don't practice an instrument for a year or two, you might be rusty but you'll be able to motivate yourself to play again if you really want to. With socializing there's all sorts of added baggage that comes with it that makes it more difficult to just jump back in like we would with any other skill. The perception that people judge us, feeling worthless because we've let ourselves get so isolated, comparing ourselves to other people who are vastly better at speaking (only because they do it regularly). It's genuinely the hardest thing I've had to deal with on my recovery journey over the past couple of years.

 

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In my own experience, I found it very hard to date again after each relationship I have had in my life. Luck played an important part, but after my last, devastating, break up I had to make myself get out into the world of single relationships again. I am in my 50s, so it's even harder, but luckily with some help from others in building my confidence and a positive attitude, things started happening.

The attitude I took was that if something happens, then it happens. If it doesn't happen now, then maybe tomorrow. Sometimes I just got bored and went home after an evening out. I had real problems talking to others, but at least Canada has quite friendly people (I live in Ottawa).

I found that if I didn't seem too interested, then people would become interested in me. I would start a conversation and then leave it, come back, talk again, go away again etc. I did find that spending time at the local pubs and bars meant that I got to know the people who worked there and I would talk to them when they weren't busy. This helped to build a persona as a popular person, as I would be welcomed in every place I went to by the staff. This helped attract conversations and interest.

I also used Tinder to make contacts. I was honest in my profile that I didn't want a relationship and was just happy being friends and not alone. This began to work because I was not a threat. This lead to closer friendships etc.

In the end I was having relationships with people much younger than me which was fun, but not always comfortable. One of my dates from Tinder, who was my age, had a party one weekend and I met a woman there who was very interesting and intelligent, we started a friendship that has moved to a relationship that is impossible to describe because it is so good. I realise now that the relationships I had in the past were not complete. I'm truly happy that I found a partnership that works. It took me thirty five years, but it was worth waiting for.

You will do this too one day. Never lose hope and be honest and interesting. Good luck.

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