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Radio Biscuit

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  1. So I've missed a few days. They weren't good as the methylphenidate that I take wasn't working at all and all I could feel was the enhanced emotions that this medication can produce. The emotions were pure despair. Came close to cutting myself, but got on top of it. Stopped the meds now and attempting to get help with that. I guess another medication might work. Anyway, not a great place to be when gaming was the only release. Managed to stay off the games though. Still missing the ability to absorb myself in a game and feel okay after playing. There's nothing to replace it still. Went out with a mate and ended up smoking again to try and get some dopamine into me, but it actually didn't help. That's a good thing as it's proved to me that the bad habits I had were not helping anyway. So, I don't drink, I don't smoke and now I don't take my meds. Still depressed and wishing for some relief. As of today (November 4) I'm feeling a bit better and managed to get onto the computer to write this. Still feeling the game withdrawal. Just want to cry all day like yesterday. Looking forward to getting back to sleep tonight so I don't have to live like this.
  2. So managed to get on with some of my Media project and worked on some Linux server set up associated with that. Got bored in the afternoon and went to bed for a while. Woken up by an unannounced visitor, but happy to see them and my wife and I chatted with them well into the evening. Nice evening. No withdrawal problems apart from the afternoon. That was yesterday. Today I ended up back in bed by 11:00 am feeling very depressed and suicidal. I almost got to the point of cutting myself to test the pain, but managed to think around that for the moment. I'm lucky that I love my wife so much that I just have to think of her reaction to such a thing and it's enough to put me off it. I wish I could take the pain away. I'm grieving for pleasure. I used to have a pleasurable life, now I have nothing to make me feel happy with any consistency.
  3. So then the last four days have been a gradual climb to the sunlight. Upped the ADHD meds by a notch and now able to get on with stuff more easily (ADHD prevents any internal motivation for me). Working on a passion project is now happening more regularly, but I still have a way to go until it's a regular pass-time. It's still an inexact science and getting the level of stimulant right is a hit and miss affair. Went to Montreal for the day on Tuesday as it was such a nice day (it's only a couple of hours up the road from here). Had a nice time, but still feeling empty afterwards. Once the meds wear off in the evening (the "drop off") I feel empty and upset. I often just go to bed early (stupidly early sometimes). I'm quitting gaming to improve my relationship and my chances of getting on with some gainful employment. It's not working. Yet.
  4. So the wedding went well. I'm an alcoholic (thanks ADHD!), so I control my intake very carefully and only allow myself to have two drinks (maximum three on special occasions). I was also a heavy smoker (thanks again ADHD!) and while I stopped that over ten years ago, I relapse sometimes for a few cigarettes and then stop again. At the wedding I was reminded why I drank so much in the past - I don't really begin to enjoy myself until I have a good buzz going. Didn't get quite there this time, but I guess it was okay. I continually wanted to smoke with others that were doing so, just to be social. I guess it's a throwback to socialising in the past. I needed to smoke to make friends. Bored and upset once I got home. My brother got married and I'm very happy for the new couple (they truly are amazing together), but pissed of with having to fake happiness for the evening.
  5. "Normal" dose of stimulant today (just a bit less than normal). Seems okay so far, but already very bored. Still no motivation to do anything else when I'm bored. If someone said "Go for a walk" I'd gouge their eyes out and then cut them up into pieces and put each piece in a different public trash can. Then I'd start on their family. Otherwise, quite a nice day. Haven't touched a game since last week. Not really thinking of gaming at all, only when really, really, violently bored. My brother's getting married tomorrow, so hopefully that will be a distraction. A
  6. Started up the ADHD meds again today, just half a dose, I didn't want to end up in emergency. Was fine for about two hours and then went back to bed until the early afternoon. Too bored to do anything. I was going to get stuck into the mixing software I need to master, but my ADHD gave me no motivation. Managed a few other activities (some essential to the day, some not). In the afternoon I managed to get going on the music again and added some more tracks and bands to my list to acquire. Started working on learning Unreal Engine 5 again, got bored fast with that, but otherwise a good day.
  7. So yesterday was a bit better. Managed to get about an hour of "normal" life in before my mood nosedived. Spent most of the day in bed. Moods not as intense as the day before. Slowly getting easier.
  8. Day Four. So, not as bad today, but still tried to get a call in with my doctor. There isn't anything until Friday and I have an appointment on the following Monday anyway, so there's no point. Just wanted to let them know I'd ditched the meds to get over the gaming problem. Don't think I'll need to go to emergency. Feel calmer today, but spent most of morning lying on bed. Eating through the boredom. Feel sick. Very depressed. Can't talk with my wife as she ends up saying things that inadvertently upset me beyond control. A
  9. Day Three Spent most of this in bed trying not to smash things and hurt myself. Almost went to emergency again. Didn't take any ADHD meds as this may have been heightening the emotional response. Hell on earth. A
  10. So day two ... That didn't go quite as planned. Emotions are running very high and I was going from huge depression to normality and back in a matter minutes. Arguing with my wife and not able to make a single decision. Made it through the day, but almost went to emergency due to the harmful thoughts I was having. THERE IS NOTHING TO REPLACE THE DOPAMINE THAT I NEED TO FUNCTION WITH ADHD. A
  11. So it's day one and I played this morning. I told my wife (I can't help being honest) and we've changed the password on the game account so only she has it now. That should stop me downloading it again I hope. I have a fill in job for someone today, so I will be busy, but it's the evenings and tomorrow I'm dreading. My ADHD meds aren't right yet and I may end up on the bed all weekend trying not to hurt myself. That's what it tends to end up with. However, that's just me projecting into the future, so I should try and ignore that. I don't want to write any more as it's making me upset and angry just doing this. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Take a breath A
  12. So I'm just a young babe in arms compared to you (I'm 56). I started playing as soon as I learned to write BASIC code on my old Dragon 32 (The Tandy Color Computer by any other name). That was around 1982, and when MS Flight Simulator arrived, it spelt the end for me as I dreamed of getting hold of a PC that was powerful enough to play it constantly, and that was all I was interested in. I had to make do with the one frame per second, nine airfield, wireframe, monochrome simulator on my Dragon. By 1988 I had an Acorn Archimedes (the forerunner to the modern ARM chip) and was coding in BBC BASIC and Assembly language, playing Zarch and whatever simulations I could code or buy. By 1990 I was playing Air Warrior Online over the internet and then came the catastrophic introduction of Civilization. It ruined everything and I couldn't stop playing. The rest, as the saying goes, is history. I've played simulators, First Person Shooters (remember the original Wolfenstein), strategy games of all kinds, MMORPGs and the rest. All of them online, offline, single and multiplayer. I've been a member of a Call of Duty clan in the 90s and was top of one of the European ladders for a while with them, I've had two divorces (not because of the games, but nearly) and while working in IT, found countless ways to play all day if I felt like it. During the times I was single and depressed, gaming was my savior and kept me alive when all else was failing. But that was then. Now I'm trying to go cold turkey again for about the fifth time since 2005 and struggling mightily. I'm playing Minecraft and won't allow any other gaming on my computer for safety's sake. I use the same machine for a project that I'm hoping will become income producing within a year, so ditching the computer isn't going to be practical. I just can't get away from the gaming. I'm about to remove the game from the machine again, along with the installer etc, but it's only a download away when it's gone. My wife is very patient, helpful and supportive in my efforts, but it frustrates both of us. So, I've asked her to change my password on the game account so I can't download it again. Let's see what happens now. Oh, and I have ADHD. Only found out a few months ago and still struggling with getting the medication right. I feel your pain. It's hard, but if you can do it, it can be rewarding. Watch out for the ADHD though, if you have it, it will be painful and there's nothing to replace gaming. No hobby, no substitute, nothing. This is where I cross the line and can't get help from places like this (Game Quitters), as only the stimulant medication can replace the constant dopamine replenishment that gaming can provide. It actually makes me want to overdose on my meds on occasion. I don't think I will though, it's just not my style. I also gave up smoking about 15 years ago and got my alcoholism under control in the last few years. These are both ADHD style replacements for gaming and would explain why it was so hard to do. I'm on the edge of relapse every second of the day, but somehow I manage to hang on. I put it down to the amazing relationship I have with my wife. It's the only thing that I couldn't bear to lose above and beyond anything else in the world. Good luck! A
  13. In my own experience, I found it very hard to date again after each relationship I have had in my life. Luck played an important part, but after my last, devastating, break up I had to make myself get out into the world of single relationships again. I am in my 50s, so it's even harder, but luckily with some help from others in building my confidence and a positive attitude, things started happening. The attitude I took was that if something happens, then it happens. If it doesn't happen now, then maybe tomorrow. Sometimes I just got bored and went home after an evening out. I had real problems talking to others, but at least Canada has quite friendly people (I live in Ottawa). I found that if I didn't seem too interested, then people would become interested in me. I would start a conversation and then leave it, come back, talk again, go away again etc. I did find that spending time at the local pubs and bars meant that I got to know the people who worked there and I would talk to them when they weren't busy. This helped to build a persona as a popular person, as I would be welcomed in every place I went to by the staff. This helped attract conversations and interest. I also used Tinder to make contacts. I was honest in my profile that I didn't want a relationship and was just happy being friends and not alone. This began to work because I was not a threat. This lead to closer friendships etc. In the end I was having relationships with people much younger than me which was fun, but not always comfortable. One of my dates from Tinder, who was my age, had a party one weekend and I met a woman there who was very interesting and intelligent, we started a friendship that has moved to a relationship that is impossible to describe because it is so good. I realise now that the relationships I had in the past were not complete. I'm truly happy that I found a partnership that works. It took me thirty five years, but it was worth waiting for. You will do this too one day. Never lose hope and be honest and interesting. Good luck.
  14. It isn't the quitting that's hard, it's the fallout that comes afterwards that hurts so much. I quit before some years ago but started again as I wasn't really trying hard enough. I've realised in the face of my relationships and employment that my gaming has grown out of control again. Some backstory for you: I started working in IT around 1986 and found that I was useful due to the fact that I understood how to fix a PC (or anything connected to it) due to being curious rather than with any trained skill. There were no IT courses that taught you this kind of stuff back then, so I taught myself from books and by experimenting with whatever kit I could get my hands on at work. Then Civilization I was launched. It was 1991 and I would be playing Microsoft's Flight Simulator among other things, but Civilization was infuriatingly addictive. The constantly changing challenges kept me busy for hours at a time when games weren't really even mainstream like today. From that point on it was downhill all the way and I amassed a collection of flight simulation, real-time strategy, first-person shooters and other more esoteric genres over the years. In 2001 I was put on disability due to depression and anxiety and my gaming reached a peak with the launch of Medal of Honour and Call of Duty. I had literally all day, every day to play games and ran my own servers too. Guildwars beta also featured heavily here with a marathon session one weekend from Friday to Monday evening with a group of other gamers some time around the release of the full game. I had enough kit collected from various high level IT jobs and the Linux knowledge to get the servers working and this continued until around 2005 when I came off disability and started working again. In 2006 I moved in with my girlfriend and by 2010 we were married and I'd ditched most of the gaming. I removed all the games from my computer and sold off the DVDs and CDs. Some of these were expensive games at the time (£80/$110) for some of the simulators. I was clean for about two years. In 2012 my wife and I moved to Canada and gaming was limited by the possession of only one low grade laptop between the two of us. I had to by a new laptop for work and found that a good deal of the original games I used to play would work on it despite the Intel graphics chipset. This led me to installing a few from my old Steam account and again slowly the addiction crept back into my life. We divorced in 2015 and I turned 50 the following year. The divorce wasn't due to gaming, but it played a small part. After that I spent my evenings gaming, my nights drinking and my days working a low level part-time job. Things were fine, but the anger from the divorce was overwhelming. Gaming helped to sooth it and the drinking helped me to sleep. I wasn't playing online any more, but I was absorbed by Minecraft and other such open ended titles. The anger subsided and I met my current girlfriend in 2017. We're very happy, but I couldn't stop the gaming. I stopped drinking and smoking, but the gaming was still causing trouble. I would disappear from the world and play every moment that I wasn't doing something with my partner. Recently we found that I couldn't get things done as I was getting upset when I didn't play games. I went cold turkey and erased everything. It's all gone now, but these days it's only a five minute download away. I've managed to keep away from starting again, but I feel so totally lost when there's spare time. So lost, that my mind turns to the anger I felt before. This time it's worse though, while I wanted to die after the divorce, I find myself imagining hurting my ex-wife as well now. I go to therapy and take anti depressants, but I can't work all the time and I can't face trying to get disability support. I think I might hurt someone in the process. I want to hear from others that have found anger, suicidal and violent thoughts have come to the front of their minds too. I am struggling to deal with these and it threatens my job, my relationship, my ex and my life. I need to fill the time, but nothing appeals to me, I just end up crying while fighting the urge to die. UPDATE AT NEW YEAR 2020 Everything's going well, the cold turkey has worked so far and the new meds I'm on have reduced my anger considerably. Now I can handle the down feelings as if they are just part of life like everyone else and they don't stop me. Remember that everyone would have a different reaction to different meds and treatments, but it's working so far. Oddly enough, I find myself learning C# and Unity in order to fill some time. I may end up working on my "ultimate game" instead, but I find it much easier to break away from this than from actually gaming. Thanks for all the support messages. Yes it is hard and I still have a mountain to climb, but you can be assured that age is no object after all. Grow old happily, it's worth every second. A UPDATE OCTOBER 2022 Well I've been gaming again, but going cold turkey one more time. My wife (the girlfriend above) is very supportive, patient and understanding and we have changed the account password for my games so that I can't download them again. I've wipe the computer clean of games and installers. All of them. The kicker in this is that a few months back, I found out I have ADHD and that this is probably what's driving the gaming above everything else (also the smoking, alcohol and occasional drug habits I had). I'm still working with getting the meds right, but I've found that on a good day with the meds working okay, I don't need to game at all, I don't even think about it or miss it. I'm just hoping I can get the meds right, as when it's a bad day I can't work and all I can do is lay on the bed and be depressed and have an existential crisis. This can go on for days at a time, so it's a big problem. Nonetheless, I'm still hopeful and know that I've done it before and that was before I had the ADHD meds to help. Keep up the struggle, it's worth it in the end A