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NannerZ

A collection of thoughts.

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Thanks for the advice @Ambassador @fawn_xoxo .  I've been trying to take some steps to help with sleep. I've moved my computer out of my bedroom so that my room is a place for sleep and relaxation only. When I lie awake and know I won't fall asleep I try to just leave the room and do another activity for awhile and try again 20 mins later. I should probably try meditation but my brain is usually so active I find it tough to relax. I've been better at just accepting the reality of not falling asleep and it's helped a little. I think I will really just attempt to double down on that acceptance and not let it bother me.

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Day 26: June 1, 2019 (the next morning)

This is a quick entry about my day yesterday. If I had written this entry last night instead of this morning I suspect it would have been a lot different. I had a bad day yesterday. Mistakes were made. I don't know how specific I feel like getting.. but I saw something on my social media yesterday about someone I used to be very close with that triggered an intense emotional reaction inside me. It made me realize how far away from the life I really want I still am. It made me acknowledge my loneliness. It made me feel small, insignificant and invisible. I made many bad decisions yesterday after seeing that post. There's this all or nothing mentality that I have where if I make one mistake I tell myself "Well you already made that other mistake today, might as well just make this one too" and it just spirals out of control and I end up ruining an entire day.  It's carried into today a little so far, haven't done anything stupid yet. I'm actually really looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I think having a structured schedule will do wonders for me and keep me away from days like today.

Gaming free streak: 26 days

100 pushups a day streak: 5 days

 

 

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Acknowledge the bad feelings and realize they won't make you move in the right direction, only in the wrong one. To keep in the right direction as you have been moving recently, you need to discard those feelings. And don't measure your self worth based on anything that comes from social media. You know you have been doing great recently. You will not let superfluous things keep you from getting were you want to go. Stay strong. Keep working on your goals as you have been.

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1 hour ago, Ambassador said:

Acknowledge the bad feelings and realize they won't make you move in the right direction, only in the wrong one. To keep in the right direction as you have been moving recently, you need to discard those feelings. And don't measure your self worth based on anything that comes from social media. You know you have been doing great recently. You will not let superfluous things keep you from getting were you want to go. Stay strong. Keep working on your goals as you have been.

 

You are absolutely correct. I just bathed in the bad juju yesterday and I won't do so again. I'm ready to get back on track!

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Day 27: June 1, 2019

Today was a strange day. In regards to my emotions today compared to yesterday they were stable and nearly back to the levels they were days ago. I won't let things like that bring me down again. Now that I made the mistake I've learned that letting it affect me is a waste of energy, time, and potential.

The other thing that happened to me today that was huge was a manager from my old job called to talk to me about a new position they have in mind for me. I would be doing new things and have new responsibilities. I think the role actually suits me really well. Here's the thing.. I'm supposed to start my new IT job Monday. After much careful thought and listening to my heart I decided today that I'm going to actually decline starting the new job and just take my old one back. I was happy at my old job, I was comfortable there and people respected me, I was never stressed about it. My old job is going to start me at a higher wage than the new job also.. and I know I can progress to an even higher wage at a pace which I'm happy with. So tomorrow I'm going to try to reach someone from the new job and tell them my decision. Otherwise I'll have to do it Monday morning which I'd rather not do but whatever.

Tonight I went to a friends place and had a small BBQ with  a few friends. We ate good food, talked, drank, and watched Chernobyl. It was fun and just the kind of thing I needed to get my head in the right place. Just the kind of day I needed to get back on track with all my great progress I've made so far.

Gaming free streak: 27 days

100 pushups a day streak: 6 days

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I agree with @Ambassador, social media is a great pitfall if you use it to judge yourself with others. Comparing yourself to who you were yesterday is a much healthier choice.

On a related note, I think you should deal with that past relationship of yours in a way, so that you're comfortable dealing with a random stimuli thrown at you by social media, so that doesn't throw you out the window emotionally for the rest of the day. I've been fairly liberal about posting my past relationship experience, because:

1) I'm naturally blunt, I have a hard time hiding my emotions if I encounter something I'm uncomfortable with

2) I keep my progress about my thought process

3) someone might be willing to share their experience, despite the very limited range I can describe it with just text

4) writing is thinking and even if I think I've already written it a hundred times, I still might come up with some new reference or explanation

I think often people give simplistic advice in the form of "get over it" or "let it go" and I don't think that's very helpful. I've come to a point in life where I believe anything short of a paragraph of text can be so woefully misrepresented. Regardless of that, only you can make peace with you and your past, not your friend, not your family and not Santa Claus.

To do this, you have to be true to yourself to the maximum extent you can possibly be. I know that sounds very obvious, but I think there's a mixed bag of sadness/resentment.

If you fully resent someone, you believe there's no good in them. That's very rarely true, just based on the fact you are both human and you'd behave in horrible ways if you thought there's nothing good about humanity. It's a fair initial coping mechanism, but you need to get over it eventually to draw some reasonable conclusions from the relationship.

Judging from your response, I think sadness might be more relevant to you. I think it gives people the lens viewing the relationship and the other person too as something ideal, perfect and also everlasting. This doesn't exclude you can't get back together, but you want to know the other person changed in the way you did, so the relationship can hopefully last this time.

You attract what you are. If you are responsible, hard-working and determined, you'll naturally attract responsible, hard-working and determined partners. I intentionally use "responsible", as it strikes me as a better word than "honest" or "loyal", perhaps it's not abused as much. It's nicely described here:

To conclude, go deal with your snakes in the past, so they don't reflect into the future. It'll be worth it. After all, one day, you probably want to be with someone you'll feel comfortable with telling your whole past and not regretting it.

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15 hours ago, Ikar said:

Comparing yourself to who you were yesterday is a much healthier choice.

That hit me hard. You're so right.

15 hours ago, Ikar said:

I've been fairly liberal about posting my past relationship experience, because:

1) I'm naturally blunt, I have a hard time hiding my emotions if I encounter something I'm uncomfortable with

2) I keep my progress about my thought process

3) someone might be willing to share their experience, despite the very limited range I can describe it with just text

4) writing is thinking and even if I think I've already written it a hundred times, I still might come up with some new reference or explanation

You're right. I can see great value in seeing my progression of my thought processes. I imagine looking back at this journal at day 90 and beyond and I want to see how much I've grown and changed. I agree about #4 also. Sometimes when I write out my day I can see all my thoughts in front of me and come to new conclusions or realizations.

 

16 hours ago, Ikar said:

Judging from your response, I think sadness might be more relevant to you. I think it gives people the lens viewing the relationship and the other person too as something ideal, perfect and also everlasting. This doesn't exclude you can't get back together, but you want to know the other person changed in the way you did, so the relationship can hopefully last this time.

You attract what you are. If you are responsible, hard-working and determined, you'll naturally attract responsible, hard-working and determined partners. I intentionally use "responsible", as it strikes me as a better word than "honest" or "loyal", perhaps it's not abused as much. It's nicely described here:

To conclude, go deal with your snakes in the past, so they don't reflect into the future. It'll be worth it. After all, one day, you probably want to be with someone you'll feel comfortable with telling your whole past and not regretting it.

You're close with the sadness. It's a self confidence thing for me. I have low self esteem and confidence issues. Mostly stemming from my lack of success with the fairer sex. It's just something I've struggled with for a long time and is a big reason I have decided to leave my destructive video game addiction in the past so I can start improving this area of my life. "You attract what you are. If you are responsible, hard-working and determined, you'll naturally attract responsible, hard-working and determined partners." Thank you for that, sometimes I can't see the forest thru the trees. Thank you so much for all your excellent suggestions and advice! I feel inspired to get back on track in a big way tomorrow.  🏋️‍♂️

 

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Day 28: June 2, 2019

4 full weeks without video games. I'm setting a record every day at this point. There's no point in celebrating anything yet, I've got a lot more goals to reach in the near future and beyond.

Visited my mom for lunch today and had some good conversations. I told her about how I'm going back to my old job and how I know its the right decision for me and she was really supportive. I'm glad I can ease some of her concerns about me. I think she worries about me more than she lets on. I want to make her proud of me someday.  I met a friend for tennis in the afternoon. We played for about an hour and I had a lot of fun and got a good workout, the weather was perfect for tennis.. no sun and a refreshing breeze.

I typed my resignation letter to my new job a couple hours ago. I felt much better about it after it was done. I dealt with it professionally and it was the ethical decision I have no doubt. I'm sure they will take it in the right way when they read what I wrote. Another nice bonus about this is now I might get another couple of weeks off where I can focus entirely on my new schedule and lifestyle. Not sure if I'll sleep well tonight as I'm carrying a little anxiety about my resignation tonight. I won't let it bother me. If I can't sleep I'll just watch netflix till the morning, I won't let it control me tonight, I'm really excited to get back on track tomorrow.

Gaming free streak: 28 days

100 pushups a day streak: 7 days

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3 hours ago, NannerZ said:

You're close with the sadness. It's a self confidence thing for me. I have low self esteem and confidence issues. Mostly stemming from my lack of success with the fairer sex. It's just something I've struggled with for a long time and is a big reason I have decided to leave my destructive video game addiction in the past so I can start improving this area of my life. "You attract what you are. If you are responsible, hard-working and determined, you'll naturally attract responsible, hard-working and determined partners." Thank you for that, sometimes I can't see the forest thru the trees. Thank you so much for all your excellent suggestions and advice! I feel inspired to get back on track in a big way tomorrow.  🏋️‍♂️

 

I think I had that figured out, but it turns out that the double-digit hours gamer addictive personality couldn't really cut it for me in the relationship either, it's just too shallow for that. It's better to find that out after 9 months, rather than 9 years and 2 kids. That's why I am here, to start anew. I also struggle keeping up with the bold part of the text, but I don't think there's any other way to go around it, if I don't want my life to be a quagmire. I'm happy my message resonated with you :)

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Day 29: June 3, 2019

Today was the day I put all the stress my confusing work situation has keep me in for the past few months away for the foreseeable future. What an enormous relief off my shoulders. I'm back at my old job starting Wednesday with a new job title and new responsibilities. Just knowing I don't need to worry about money anymore or what I'm going to do about my long term career path anymore is a breath of fresh air. I just want to go to work and not think about it. I am now free to get back on track with all my other goals I have for this detox, especially my health and fitness goals.

I've been looking to start reading a new book since I finished Atomic habits for the 2nd time a few days ago. I went thru my bookshelf looking for something that I would be interested in reading right now, maybe something that could spark something inside me. My eyes locked in on a book I only read about 2/3 of 5ish years ago.. "The Game" by Neil Strauss. By far the most success I've ever had with women was a period lasting a few months 5ish years ago when I got super into "game" I was getting regular dates back then, plenty of matches online, and was going out practicing game at the mall, the book store, the coffee place.. anywhere pretty girls went. It only lasted a few months because it worked.. my game actually got me a gf and we dated almost a year. But after that ended I went back to all my old habits.. gaming uncontrollably, eating garbage, sedentary lifestyle, etc. Since this is one of the areas I want to make big improvements on in my life I thought reading the book could be a good way to motivate myself to get back out there. I read at least 50 pages today. I can see myself getting out there again maybe next month? I still wanna prioritize health/fitness and work for June at least but I'm intrigued by the idea of using game again.

Not much else happened today. Just glad all that stress is behind me and I can focus on myself again. Tomorrow will be my best day in a week, I promise.

Gaming free streak: 29 days

100 pushups a day streak: 8 days

 

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Day 30: June 4, 2019

I'm 1/3 through the detox, cool. I'm quite pleased with myself and how much I've changed in these last 30 days. There's still so much more I want to accomplish in the next 60 days and beyond. I didn't get up to too much today, walked to the gym and did some cardio. Worked on some projects at home also. Read more of "The Game"

I don't really have much else to say today, it was fairly uneventful. I'll probably have more to talk about tomorrow since it will be my first day back at work.

Gaming free streak: 30 days

100 pushups a day streak: 9 days

Edited by NannerZ
cuz
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Day 31: June 5, 2019

My first day back at work went pretty well. I didn't do any actual work, had to go thru safety stuff, paperwork, and some testing. But so many people were nice to me. I even got a hug from an old manager. I'm really happy with my decision to come back and work there, people are nice to me and treat me with respect. I got to meet a few of the people I'm going to be working with and they seem like great people so far. I felt vindicated today.

I ate clean all day long today and drank only water. I also found some time to hit the gym and put in 40 mins of cardio and 100 pushups. Another 30 to 60+ days like today and I'll make some huge progress on my health goals. One day at a time, I will conquer my life.

I won the day.

Gaming free streak: 31 days

100 pushups a day streak: 10 days

Water Only : 1 day

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Day 32: June 6, 2019

I actually did a little work at my job today. I got to see lots of familiar faces today and have some great conversations. There was this cute girl that I had orientation with yesterday that I saw eating alone in the cafeteria today when I was about to head home. Most of my life I would just do nothing because I don't know how to talk to girls but today I thought "I'm going in" So I approached the table and sat down and just starting talking. "How's your first day going?" was what came out first. She recognized me from orientation. She seemed happy someone was talking to her. We had a really good 5-7ish minute conversation just getting to know each other. Sounds like I'll see her again at work on the weekend and I'm going to keep trying to talk to her. I know this seems like totally stupid and trivial to a normal person but to me this was huge. I felt good about it and look forward to speaking to her again.

I also managed to eat clean all day today while only drinking water. Found time in the morning to hit the gym for a quick cardio workout and 100 pushups. Tomorrow I work earlier so I'll have to gym in the evening. I need to lift tomorrow I haven't in almost a week. Been sleeping better the last few nights, I think it's because the stress about job stuff is over. Life is really picking up. I have to make sure I do not stray from my current path.

I won the day.

Gaming free streak: 32 days

100 pushups a day streak: 11 days

Water only: 2 days

 

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Hey man. Just found your journal and read through it, really like your writing style. I see a lot of positive energy growing in you in your later entries which is really encouraging to see. 🙂 I like your rule of only drinking water (rather than placing the focus on quitting something), I might want to steal that. Keep up the good work man it seems like you are making a lot of progress!

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22 hours ago, NannerZ said:

I have to make sure I do not stray from my current path.

You'll not. You are doing an excellent job, and you know it.

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15 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Hey man. Just found your journal and read through it, really like your writing style. I see a lot of positive energy growing in you in your later entries which is really encouraging to see. 🙂 I like your rule of only drinking water (rather than placing the focus on quitting something), I might want to steal that. Keep up the good work man it seems like you are making a lot of progress!

Thanks my friend! I always make sure to catch up with yours as well. Life is definitely going better the past few days but it requires a constant focus. Water only can be difficult at times (I really miss coffee some days) but I do feel much better overall since cutting soda out of my diet. I'm sure I'll break the water streak at some point but so long as I drink water like 90% of the time I'm quite pleased.

1 hour ago, Ambassador said:

You'll not. You are doing an excellent job, and you know it.

Thank you ! 😀

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Day 33: June 7, 2019

Today was SOO hot and humid here. It's actually still super warm at 10pm and I don't have air conditioning. After 2 great nights of sleep I had a bad one last night. 4 hours of sleep, plus the weather and being back at work on my feet all shift.. I'm exhausted tonight, my legs feel like jello. But I'm getting more comfortable at work with my new duties and meeting lots of new people which means I'm being more social than I've been in months.

I had one bad meal today. I blame myself for walking to the grocery store while starving. But I've been so great for days now, I won't dwell on it. I still had only water and did my pushups. Although I'm so tired I decided to pass on the gym today, planning on going tomorrow night.

Not much else to say, it was an ordinary day. Looking forward to putting in a good day tomorrow.

Gaming free streak: 33 days

100 pushups a day streak: 12 days

Water only: 3 days

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Day 34: June 8, 2019

Today was a mixed bag. Even though I actually had a good sleep last night and woke up feeling great I convinced myself that I deserved a Saturday morning coffee, so I broke my water streak. Not that big of a deal so long as I'm like 90% water I'm happy. Then I went to work and had a pretty good day. Getting more comfortable each day. Then something happened while I was leaving work. I waited 15 minutes for that new girl to also finish her shift so I could selfishly talk to her for a few minutes. While she didn't explicitly state it I am able to deduce with 90% certainty that she has a bf. Because of course she does. Our talk wasn't as fun as it was the other day. And when we parted ways and I walked to my car I started to feel shitty again. I have two voices in my head. One that is positive, hopeful, disciplined, and forward thinking. The 2nd is negative, critical, depressive, and self destructive. And when I started that walk to my car alone the 2nd voice took over. "She would never want you anyway"  "Why do you even bother?" "Just give up" etc, etc. I spent the car ride home listening to the 2nd voice and all the negativity flowed thru me. I wanted to go home and bury myself in front of the computer, get immersed in something and stop thinking about everything. I wanted to eat garbage food. These are the things that brought me comfort for so long, they let me escape from my unfulfilling life. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling guilt and shame about how bad I wanted to skip the gym and order a pizza, about how bad I wanted to just game all night long. I also felt alone. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had someone who cares about me in my life. Another Saturday night alone.

I don't know where I summoned the strength but I put my gym clothes on and forced myself to go to the gym. And there I channeled the negativity into a really good bicep and shoulders workout. I crushed my arms. When I wear tighter fitting shirts my arms are starting to pop, I kinda love it. Guess what? I felt way better. I didn't have a great day, far from it, but I did learn a lot. I dunno, I still feel like I am so far away from my goals. I've been eating so much better than I did before I started the detox, I've been to the gym 6 times a week since day 1, I've spent my time so much more productively but I can't see the changes I want. It reminds me of this phenomenon from Atomic Habits called the Valley of Disappointment.

 

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I'm convinced I'm stuck in the valley right now. It's so frustrating. I'm working so hard but nothing's changed. That 2nd voice in my head just tells me to give up. "You're wasting your time." But I'm kinda done listening to that voice. It controlled me for so long and where did it get me? Further away from the fulfilling life that I desire. Just want to put this day behind me and move forward. I will learn from today and I will become stronger, wiser, more prepared for adversity. Onward I go.

Gaming free streak:  34 days

100 pushups a day streak: 13 days

Edited by NannerZ
cuz
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Ferriss in his 4 Hour Body mentioned that when you do anything and you really mean it, you should track yourself. I think you can do that for working out quite easily, as you can add more reps and weight, so there should be some progression at least every month, if not sooner. I weigh myself every now and then, as I am trying to put on some weight through exercise and eating a bit more. Perhaps there's some subliminal message from doing that!

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20 hours ago, Ikar said:

Ferriss in his 4 Hour Body mentioned that when you do anything and you really mean it, you should track yourself. I think you can do that for working out quite easily, as you can add more reps and weight, so there should be some progression at least every month, if not sooner. I weigh myself every now and then, as I am trying to put on some weight through exercise and eating a bit more. Perhaps there's some subliminal message from doing that!

Yeah, you're probably right. I haven't been diligent enough about tracking my meals or my workouts. Thanks!

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Day 35: June 9, 2019

Had a better experience at work today. I think sometimes I just have bad chunks of time where I just want to feel sorry for myself and just bathe in the negativity. I should realize that this has been a problem for a long time and acknowledge it next time, that way I can accept it for what it is and move past it. I started this week so strong and faded at the end for what ended up being a good but not great week like I wanted it to be. I will try to keep better records of my progress this week, it should serve as a good accountability habit if nothing else.

Not in the mood for a long entry tonight, I just kinda want to put this weekend behind me and start off fresh tomorrow.

Gaming free streak: 35 days

100 pushups a day: 14 days

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23 hours ago, NannerZ said:

sometimes I just have bad chunks of time

I feel ya, dude. Same thing over here. Sometimes the only thing to do is to realize it and hope it goes away soon, keeping in mind it happens and it should prompt us into despair or compulsion.

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Day 36: June 10, 2019

Another mixed bag of a day. I made some good choices like going for a workout when I didn't want to and cooking & eating a healthy breakfast & lunch. But gave in to an evening junk food craving and probably wasted all the good work I had already done. I didn't track my meals today like I planned. I need to use the myfitnesspal app daily. It's the only way I can hold myself accountable for the "food" I put in my body.

I've made it a personal goal to be way more social since I started working again and it's been a really successful effort so far. I've talked to dozens of people at work since I started and feel comfortable and fun while I engage these people. In the past I was the 'speak when spoken to' type but I realized during this detox how little that has done for me and I told myself I would engage anyone around me. Suddenly I have way more people to talk to and I feel welcome to do so. And talking to girls is always fun.

My roommate keeps talking about E3. It peaked my interest so I had to check out some of the announcements. One of my fav games of all time is getting a sequel. I wonder if I can ever game again without it taking over? Guess that doesn't matter right now.

One more day of work tomorrow before I get 2 days off. I've got to do better tomorrow. I'm disappointed in my commitment lately.

Gaming free streak: 36 days

100 pushups a day streak: 15 days

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Day 37: June 11, 2019

I've been more social in the past week since I started working again than I've been in the last 3 months combined. Not at all a stretch or exaggeration. I had no idea what I was missing out on. I genuinely feel much better about myself emotionally since beginning work again and making a pact with myself to be more social. My self confidence is up too. Feel really good about the interactions I had today. And there were many.

I took a shift tomorrow so now I only have Thursday off but I'm happy to take the hours, I can use the money. My diet has been poor/disappointing for probably 5 days now and I'm pissed off about it. But I'm not worried. I know what has been missing. I will get things sorted out tomorrow and get back to crushing it very soon.

Today was a good day.

Gaming free streak: 37 days

100 pushups a day streak: 16 days

 

 

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Day 38: June 12, 2019

An unremarkable day. My self confidence and general mood are doing much better since I've started to work again and I'm really happy about that. But it's come at the price of (so far) my healthy lifestyle plans and goals. Tomorrow will be my first day off since I've been back and thus an opportunity to get back on track. I must rise to the challenge.

Don't have much else to say, just want to get to work tomorrow. Should be a more positive entry tomorrow!

Gaming free streak: 38 days

100 Pushups a day streak: 17 days

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