Ikar's Diary

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Ikar said:

I got an infection there from foot mildew I did not know existed up until the infection made me unable to walk normally. I guess all I can advice is to dry the spaces between your fingers properly, so you don't end up like me!

That sounds terrible and random at the same time. Maybe a gold bond powder in the future? 

[Ikar]

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That sounds terrible and random at the same time. Maybe a gold bond powder in the future? 

The doc told me he didn't see such a reaction before either. I have proper meds to combat it now though and it seems to be going away already.

[Ikar]

Day 174:

I was in school, one of the lectures was fairly interesting, so that was good. I didn't do too much else besides that. I plan to follow up on and clean up my errands during the weekend.

[Ikar]

Day 175:

I got a few small things done today, a bit of cleaning and some paperwork. I went to a sort of a standup show in the evening with my family and it was pretty good. I also just finished watching Taxi Driver with young De Niro, it struck me as pretty bizarre towards the end, mainly because it ended in a "good" way by a chance. I also saw Goodfellas a few days ago.

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 175:

I got a few small things done today, a bit of cleaning and some paperwork. I went to a sort of a standup show in the evening with my family and it was pretty good. I also just finished watching Taxi Driver with young De Niro, it struck me as pretty bizarre towards the end, mainly because it ended in a "good" way by a chance. I also saw Goodfellas a few days ago.

I just saw 'Joker' today. Very similar feel to 'Taxi Driver'. I enjoyed the Joker character, but the movie I need to think about more.

[Ikar]

Day 176:

I finished watching "Personality and Its Transformations 2017" by Peterson today. I have to admit that the last two lectures of the series were very practical. I also made a first draft of my half a year recap, just a few thoughts to get me started. I also finally got around to reading a few pages as well. It's been a fine day.

[Ikar]

Day 177:

I did about half the tasks I had planned for today, which is still good. I went out with a friend in the evening.

NF - 0 days

I keep messing around in bed again in the morning, so I confess to hold myself accountable again.

[BooksandTrees]

11 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 177:

I did about half the tasks I had planned for today, which is still good. I went out with a friend in the evening.

NF - 0 days

I keep messing around in bed again in the morning, so I confess to hold myself accountable again.

Something that helped with morning issues for me was realizing I felt depressed and less motivated to do activities during the day if I masturbated or watched porn in the mornings. It's different than having sex with a lover in the morning because they're real and your body releases certain chemicals during it, but when you're alone it just acts differently and it makes me lethargic and uninterested. 

I got upset about this and stopped. I hate hurting my own feelings. 

[Ikar]

40 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Something that helped with morning issues for me was realizing I felt depressed and less motivated to do activities during the day if I masturbated or watched porn in the mornings. It's different than having sex with a lover in the morning because they're real and your body releases certain chemicals during it, but when you're alone it just acts differently and it makes me lethargic and uninterested. 

I got upset about this and stopped. I hate hurting my own feelings. 

I guess it might have to do something with me being on the antibiotics and experiencing some minor, but annoying side effects like chills, intestinal upset, headache and general drowsiness.

That aside, I made 6, 4 and 4 days without real masturbation, I just didn't put the counter in on my entries. I generally write them as the last thing of the day, which might be a mistake, because by then I am half asleep already at that point.

I have it the other way around. Masturbation makes me energized or indifferent. Sex made me dead tired and exhausted, but in a good way, like some really long exercise does.

[Ikar]

Day 178:

I nailed most of the errands I had to do yesterday, plus the chores for today. I'm still feeling pretty smashed though. It's hard to stay on the right track with the ATB nuking a lot of the bacteria in my body. I'm working on the half a year report as well.

[LucasR]

Hey man, you haven't mentioned your ex in the past days, do you think she has someone else now, are you in contact with her or are you trying to forget her or something? I am in contact with all my exes and every each of us is glad that we are all doing well, they found better partners, I found a better partner... like I don't have any feelings for them but I just like to know how is their life...

[CornishGameHen]

21 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 178:

I nailed most of the errands I had to do yesterday, plus the chores for today. I'm still feeling pretty smashed though. It's hard to stay on the right track with the ATB nuking a lot of the bacteria in my body. I'm working on the half a year report as well.

Despite the antibiotic effects, you did really well.  You kept focused on tasks and that's an accomplishment.  Good stuff, keep going.  ? 

[Ikar]

Hello to both of you, welcome to my journal!

1 hour ago, LucasR said:

Hey man, you haven't mentioned your ex in the past days, do you think she has someone else now, are you in contact with her or are you trying to forget her or something? I am in contact with all my exes and every each of us is glad that we are all doing well, they found better partners, I found a better partner... like I don't have any feelings for them but I just like to know how is their life...

The short version is that I feel like we're just too different at this point. I imagine she felt hatred towards me at the end of the relationship, but still mixed with a bit of compassion, since we were very similar in that, so I imagine it wasn't easy for her either. I tried contacting her in July (3-4 months after the breakup) with a thoughtful letter, but her response was basically zero. I was aiming towards having the "breakup talk" with her, but sadly she's not up for doing that. I don't plan to expend any more energy towards contacting her, unless she decides to contact me first.

Did you manage to have a "breakup talk" with your exes, or are you avoiding it in your talks?

46 minutes ago, CornishGameHen said:

Despite the antibiotic effects, you did really well.  You kept focused on tasks and that's an accomplishment.  Good stuff, keep going.  ? 

Thanks! I will try to continue in an even better way in the future.

[LucasR]

Well I never did something like that because I know that it was over and will never happen again cause there was a reason for us to break up... well I am in contact with all of them but one of them is very distant as she has someone else, other exes are single, that's why we are chatting more... I feel like if the ex doesn't want to contact me, she has someone else and she is happier than with me, so I don't want to contact her cause I want her to be happy. Seems like it happened to your ex as well

E: How did she response? Like just an emotion or something one-worded? Cause I sent a letter to one of my exes as well and all she did was this ":-)", and yeah, it was because she was in a new relationship and didn't want to hear anything from me. She was in contact with one guy even while we were in the relationship and she was very active, she was sharing everything with him so I think she is with him now, she doesnt share anything on her social media so I have no idea but its my theory... I was very mad at her cause she was chatting with him more often than with me...

Edited October 16, 2019 by LucasR

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, LucasR said:

Well I never did something like that because I know that it was over and will never happen again cause there was a reason for us to break up... well I am in contact with all of them but one of them is very distant as she has someone else, other exes are single, that's why we are chatting more... I feel like if the ex doesn't want to contact me, she has someone else and she is happier than with me, so I don't want to contact her cause I want her to be happy. Seems like it happened to your ex as well

E: How did she response? Like just an emotion or something one-worded? Cause I sent a letter to one of my exes as well and all she did was this ":-)", and yeah, it was because she was in a new relationship and didn't want to hear anything from me. She was in contact with one guy even while we were in the relationship and she was very active, she was sharing everything with him so I think she is with him now, she doesnt share anything on her social media so I have no idea but its my theory... I was very mad at her cause she was chatting with him more often than with me...

I could behind the idea she was over me faster than I was over her, as that makes sense if she happened to dump me. I just don't think she cared to look into the mirror - me - to avoid making a similar mistake of dating someone like I was (a double digit hours computer addict). I have a feeling she needs to have a similar "existential crisis", comparable to the one I had. "Normal healthy" people would just stay away from me back then and I think for a good reason.

It was a letter with 2 A4s. In fact, I actually deviated from it being a letter to her (to get her back or whatever) and it's more about my new stance towards life in general, something along the lines people might call "personal mission statement" or "personal constitution". I opted for a few personal comparisons to demonstrate some of the philosophical points, though I wouldn't mind sharing it here and it'd probably be here already, if I wanted to translate it into English.

The response I got from her was a weird amalgam of insufficiency/unwillingness to even attempt to truly reply to the letter.

I think to try and get back together (or to start dating in the first place), you need to draw similar conclusions about how to live and then actually act it out. To put it shortly, if I believe being responsible is a good long-term strategy for life as a whole and she's essentially a nihilist and moral relativist, it'd be a suicide to try to bridge such a great gap. I think we started out both as nihilists.

You can read a bit more about my relationship here:

 

[Ikar]

Day 179:

I was teaching English, I visited my grandma, played Scrabble with mom and wrote a lot on GQ forums today. That's it!

[LucasR]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

I could behind the idea she was over me faster than I was over her, as that makes sense if she happened to dump me. I just don't think she cared to look into the mirror - me - to avoid making a similar mistake of dating someone like I was (a double digit hours computer addict). I have a feeling she needs to have a similar "existential crisis", comparable to the one I had. "Normal healthy" people would just stay away from me back then and I think for a good reason.

It was a letter with 2 A4s. In fact, I actually deviated from it being a letter to her (to get her back or whatever) and it's more about my new stance towards life in general, something along the lines people might call "personal mission statement" or "personal constitution". I opted for a few personal comparisons to demonstrate some of the philosophical points, though I wouldn't mind sharing it here and it'd probably be here already, if I wanted to translate it into English.

The response I got from her was a weird amalgam of insufficiency/unwillingness to even attempt to truly reply to the letter.

I think to try and get back together (or to start dating in the first place), you need to draw similar conclusions about how to live and then actually act it out. To put it shortly, if I believe being responsible is a good long-term strategy for life as a whole and she's essentially a nihilist and moral relativist, it'd be a suicide to try to bridge such a great gap. I think we started out both as nihilists.

You can read a bit more about my relationship here:

 

Yeah, I get it. Well if you two couldn't agree on anything, you weren't meant to be together. It was similar with on of my exes. Tho I think my ex was over it because we weren't that sexual together, she didn't want to sleep with me, we were together for a year and we had sex just five times... she just didn't had the attraction towards me and I was blind, I couldn't see its the reason. Seems like she has now a man in her life, who understands her and has more qualities I hadn't.

[ConstantlyLost]

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I could behind the idea she was over me faster than I was over her, as that makes sense if she happened to dump me. I just don't think she cared to look into the mirror - me - to avoid making a similar mistake of dating someone like I was (a double digit hours computer addict). I have a feeling she needs to have a similar "existential crisis", comparable to the one I had. "Normal healthy" people would just stay away from me back then and I think for a good reason.

It was a letter with 2 A4s. In fact, I actually deviated from it being a letter to her (to get her back or whatever) and it's more about my new stance towards life in general, something along the lines people might call "personal mission statement" or "personal constitution". I opted for a few personal comparisons to demonstrate some of the philosophical points, though I wouldn't mind sharing it here and it'd probably be here already, if I wanted to translate it into English.

The response I got from her was a weird amalgam of insufficiency/unwillingness to even attempt to truly reply to the letter.

I think to try and get back together (or to start dating in the first place), you need to draw similar conclusions about how to live and then actually act it out. To put it shortly, if I believe being responsible is a good long-term strategy for life as a whole and she's essentially a nihilist and moral relativist, it'd be a suicide to try to bridge such a great gap. I think we started out both as nihilists.

You can read a bit more about my relationship here:

 

I agree with you 100%, both people need to be happy and independent to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

Imagine two relationships:

Couple A: Both people live lives that they personally enjoy, they have their own strong values and boundaries. They feel complete in their individual single lives and eventually, after much trial and error, finally find themselves with someone who shares their values. They never settled out of insecurity and a feeling of incompleteness. They are both self-sustaining, but are able to give each other extra support when it's needed. Both people are reliable and love themselves.

Couple B: Both people rely on each other for happyiness and identity. They've become jealous of each other at the slightest sign of success out of fear that the only will leave them. They secretively, maybe even unknowingly to their own consciousness, suffocate the other person. They bring each other down, because it's better to be sad together than to be single. To couple B, being with anyone, even a toxic person, a loser, an abusive, is better than being single. Couple B believe they need validation to feel good about themselves. Of course this fulfillment never happens. They will either stay together, co-dependent and unhappy or they will break up. IF they break up and they don't change, then they will go through cycles of the same relationship happening again and again. 

I was definitely in couple B. Thankfully, once was enough for me. You really learn alot from one bad relationship. And if your ex hasn't, be thankful that you have. It is never your fault or responsilibty to save someone else. People need to save themselves because no one else can. 

[Ikar]

@LucasR There can be temperamental differences too. My ex was fairly orderly (or disgust sensitive), whereas I am fairly unmoved when it comes to mess. On the extreme, this allowed me to work on a pig farm unscathed, since animal death occurred on a daily basis. I think I got better at that cleaning up my room after I quit gaming though.

I think females in general are more drawn towards psychological aspects, rather than physical ones. I think my ideal girlfriend right now would at least have the hint of being responsible or time sacrifice (trading insufficient present for better future), because I seem to oscillate around these values as well, though I enjoy my leisure time as well. After all, if she want to start a family with me, she'd better make sure I am not gonna run the first time I hear she's pregnant!

@ConstantlyLost I felt like gaming/Twitch and the relationship were the only two things I had before which was a pretty stupid idea, but I was basically working all the time on making it happen. I hope I learned my lesson, since I am willing to date again! Time will tell.

One scary thing I want to mention is that the relationship between me and my ex was very similar to our own respective parents' relationships. Even if they are married, I wouldn't like to have my parents' marriage in the future. The old adage goes that "daughters marry their fathers and sons marry their mothers" and it seems to be the case that your parents' own relationship sets the baseline for your own romantic relationships. When seeking out romantic partners, we seem to choose partners based on familiarity, rather than some "objective virtues".

The good news is, once you are aware, you can use this to your advantage, since like attracts like!

Thanks for posting to both of you!

[Ikar]

Day 180:

I got up on the alarm, even if I had a "free" day. I watched a lecture by Robert Sapolsky who is sort of a behavioral biologist. I also did my languages, some paperwork and I wrote a bit of my report. I had a blast reading the 4th chapter in Gulag Archipelago. I went to the doctor's and the foot seems fine. I also pondered around a bit on finance blogs. I'm also thinking about the situation in my family.

I felt a bit strange during the day. I did not know if I was pushing myself too hard to do my chores, or whether taking some leisure time was justified.

[ConstantlyLost]

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

@LucasR There can be temperamental differences too. My ex was fairly orderly (or disgust sensitive), whereas I am fairly unmoved when it comes to mess. On the extreme, this allowed me to work on a pig farm unscathed, since animal death occurred on a daily basis. I think I got better at that cleaning up my room after I quit gaming though.

I think females in general are more drawn towards psychological aspects, rather than physical ones. I think my ideal girlfriend right now would at least have the hint of being responsible or time sacrifice (trading insufficient present for better future), because I seem to oscillate around these values as well, though I enjoy my leisure time as well. After all, if she want to start a family with me, she'd better make sure I am not gonna run the first time I hear she's pregnant!

@ConstantlyLost I felt like gaming/Twitch and the relationship were the only two things I had before which was a pretty stupid idea, but I was basically working all the time on making it happen. I hope I learned my lesson, since I am willing to date again! Time will tell.

One scary thing I want to mention is that the relationship between me and my ex was very similar to our own respective parents' relationships. Even if they are married, I wouldn't like to have my parents' marriage in the future. The old adage goes that "daughters marry their fathers and sons marry their mothers" and it seems to be the case that your parents' own relationship sets the baseline for your own romantic relationships. When seeking out romantic partners, we seem to choose partners based on familiarity, rather than some "objective virtues".

The good news is, once you are aware, you can use this to your advantage, since like attracts like!

Thanks for posting to both of you!

I would agree to the parents' remark. Despite what we might say about how we want our partners to be like this or that, we also need an outside perspective or at least introspection about the realties about our own relationship. We also must be weary about acting like our parents in our relationships. When we spot the flaws in our parents' emotional communication skills, we should try to inspect if we have those same qualities so as to not repeat their mistake. Looking back, I put too much pressure on my ex to quit smoking and drinking. I may have had good reasoning, but that doesn't negate the fact that I should have been more sympathetic at times when I was more critical. This was how I was raised, I wasn't given much leeway until I was in my teens and that stuck with me. Being more empathetic in the right scenarios is something that I'm working on. I've since had many talks with my mother about how I felt emotionally neglected in my upbringing and we're working on fixing that going forward. My mother was always busy, but I know she cares, we've figured out it was just the lack of time. 

For my ex, she wasn't able to detect when her partner's needs weren't being met because her parents didn't checked in on each other. One of them may have been incredibly upset, but the other wouldn't ask the reason. Things usually had to become a catastrophe before a problem was brought up and apologies were short in supply. So when she did something obviously offensive and hurtful, like demeaning my job, she wouldn't apologize. Even if she knew or felt that she had hurt me, she would just carry on as if nothing was done. I would always have to tell her I was hurt and still she would just brush it off with a swift "Oh, sorry". Again, this is how her parents were with each other. When they apologized, they never said why they were sorry, or interpret how the other was hurt. It was just a swift "Oh, sorry" and acting as if everything was okay - even if the arguments led to door slamming, swearing and screaming.

Her parents had a very co-dependent relationship and there was very little communication and they didn't know how to communicate. Whereas my mother and I have high quality communication, but also very little amounts of it. So whenever her and I would communicate, she didn't understand how to hear another perspective. Both her parents were very strongheaded and would never see or admit a mistake. I told my mother that I felt she did this sometimes too, and she was at first defensive, but she soon told me that she would be weary about this in the future and I realized that I am guilty of this too. Sometimes we all fail to realize when we're wrong. The difference was that some of us look for the possibility of being incorrect while others don't. My ex didn't like to consider herself ever being wrong and so whenever I brought up an issue her first response would be, "That's just how I am", or "I don't need to do that because that's not how I work". Once I asked her if we could develop a sleep schedule together, and she basically said, "I don't need sleep". Meanwhile she's falling asleep two hours after waking up at noon. 

Introspection and self-awareness are incredibily important skills!!!

[Ikar]

@ConstantlyLost

It's a pretty harsh thing to say, but I only started caring about my family on a more serious level only after I quit gaming, both in what was good and what was wrong about it. I don't think the result of me (and my ex) unconsciously still using our parents' behaviors as "default" was surprising then. It's good to be aware of that now though.

People hate unsolicited advice. This I learned as well. I mean, any addictive behavior you take part in basically means you hate yourself a little bit, want to make yourself miserable and perhaps eventually die. I also think it helps to confront addicts that the results of their self-destructive behavior also affect everyone around them. Yet, it's their decision to stop.

I talk to mom every now and then about the more serious things, my dad hardly knows I am off games. I think my parents tried to bridge a great temperamental gap and that they (and I guess partly me) are paying for it in their marriage. There's more topics, like me moving out, but I have to sort that out in my head first.

My ex's parents also felt like they were co-dependent. They even cheated on one another and somehow kept on living together. To spice it up, her mom and brother were addicts, she was really ashamed whenever I came in contact with them when they were under influence. I wonder how much this applied to mine, but objectively, at least drugs are not involved.

I found out making paper/Excel plans involving other people generally get completely ignored. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with it (and I was actually willing to plan, even if I gamed double digit hours daily) and I guess it's better for my parents (especially dad) to always have me "on call" and disrespect my flow of time (I pay them rent already as well - that's why I am thinking of moving to the dorm too).

I'll see how that goes, especially with finding a girl I click with temperamentally.

[Ikar]

Day 181:

Today was just school, Scrabble and some languages.

[ConstantlyLost]

3 minutes ago, Ikar said:

@ConstantlyLost

It's a pretty harsh thing to say, but I only started caring about my family on a more serious level only after I quit gaming, both in what was good and what was wrong about it. I don't think the result of me (and my ex) unconsciously still using our parents' behaviors as "default" was surprising then. It's good to be aware of that now though.

People hate unsolicited advice. This I learned as well. I mean, any addictive behavior you take part in basically means you hate yourself a little bit, want to make yourself miserable and perhaps eventually die. I also think it helps to confront addicts that the results of their self-destructive behavior also affect everyone around them. Yet, it's their decision to stop.

I talk to mom every now and then about the more serious things, my dad hardly knows I am off games. I think my parents tried to bridge a great temperamental gap and that they (and I guess partly me) are paying for it in their marriage. There's more topics, like me moving out, but I have to sort that out in my head first.

My ex's parents also felt like they were co-dependent. They even cheated on one another and somehow kept on living together. To spice it up, her mom and brother were addicts, she was really ashamed whenever I came in contact with them when they were under influence. I wonder how much this applied to mine, but objectively, at least drugs are not involved.

I found out making paper/Excel plans involving other people generally get completely ignored. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with it (and I was actually willing to plan, even if I gamed double digit hours daily) and I guess it's better for my parents (especially dad) to always have me "on call" and disrespect my flow of time (I pay them rent already as well - that's why I am thinking of moving to the dorm too).

I'll see how that goes, especially with finding a girl I click with temperamentally.

I dont quite understand your last paragraph, maybe you can elaborate it more.

But I agree with a lot of what you've said. I only started to fix my family dynamics after I quit gaming, I would even say I used it to escape this issue. Some of my friends do the same thing, they use gaming as an escape and it became more clear after I stopped. I don't try to convert them, but they do know I'm quitting. I respect my friends and they're a smart group, so I don't want to badger anyone. Many of friends, including myself, are in famlies where there isn't much love or they're from single parents. We all have low-esteem, but we do build each other up and we're improving over the years. Some of us are on career paths, others are just finding new passions and it's really touching to see. 

I'm watching Blow, the movie from 2001, and man I must have some sort of PTSD or something because seeing dysfunctional relationships, even in a movie, make me go into a panic state. I should get that checked with a therapist at my college.

Moving out of your home can be good, but we often forget the bitter comfort of being at home too. My ex moved to the dorm and her life became so much worse and became a smoker and an alcoholic. Just be careful if you do move man. I moved out my second year of college and boy it wasn't easy. I always cook and clean for myself anyway, but again I played games all day so I lacked a social life and that was very depressing. The winters are bitter in the city too, it's dark at 5pm, the wind is immense and it's freezing. 

I would be lying if I said I love myself or even like myself half the time. I don't know what it is, maybe the lack of sleep at times, being exhausted, or just past trauma, but sometimes I use my addiction to nicotine and gaming because I just don't think I can do better. Sometimes I think "this is it" and "just accept it". It's getting better, but I feel a lot of emptiness and self-hate too. 

I think I'm going to adopt some buddhist philosophy because I realized a lot of my desires were making me unhappy. I want more girls, more money, more experiences etc. But again, once the experience is over, the sex is done, I am not mentally better off. Slept really late last night so I'm really in sad boy mindset right now haha. 

[Ikar]

@ConstantlyLost

Could you quote out the exact part? I'm not sure if you mean the last paragraph "paragraph" or last paragraph "sentence" ?

Yeah, it's good if you have at least someone to lean on, to empathize with what you're going through. In our early 20s, addiction is almost always a result of some pathological pattern in the family (be it neglect, abuse, missing parent or whatever else). On the bright side, you have option to learn not only for yourself, but also for everyone you know and can influence, since you are already aware of it. I guess you have this supreme responsibility especially towards your future kids.

I'm quite used to living outside my family. Out of the last 39 months (since I got off of high school), I lived on various dorms for 24 months and overall I'm very happy about that experience, as it gave me some perspective. I did not bring my notebook when I was working in Iceland for the summer. It goes back to how your parents raised you, if you are gonna completely unravel outside of the family circle and become a drug addict, but you are no longer under such heavy influence of the patterns that have been imposed on you, so there is a chance you might start questioning them and start building better patterns for yourself, once you are reasonably independent.

The self-discovery is rough. The state I am right now currently is that I know everything I do is sort of a grind (whether I perceive it as such depends on how much I enjoy doing those things), but I also know that doing nothing at all would be WAY worse. Whether you feel good (challenge/opportunity) or bad (nuisance) about what you currently do is your choice though.

Related to that, you also want to feel good about doing things that are good and feel bad about things that are bad. And sometimes you just run into a situation where you are clueless about what's good and what's bad, you have to pick something anyway and only time will tell. I'll put a short Peterson video into the spoiler, where he discusses the fundamental (Buddhist) idea that "Life is suffering."

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h194kSmK3SQ

As for myself, going down to the core of the issue, I thought of this: "Life is suffering." -> "Choice: Do NOT suicide." -> "Draw conclusions and act in a way, so that life isn't miserable and horrible not only for you, but also for others, so that nobody ever wants to suicide or spread misery."