Begin again

[Catherine17]

 Day 1/90

Today was a really busy day. Now I realise that I didn't even think about video games, because I was concentrated on other things. I feel exhausted but it was worth it.

A couple of days ago I decided to take 'a dumb action' and make  a change in my life. I heard my fellow student complaining about her language studies. After the class I approached her and offered my help. And now I am tutor and today we had the first class! This was a new experience for me and I really hope I am suitable for the job. I know the subject quite well, but learning is one thing and teaching is another. I had doubts, of course, but then I asked myself: "How could you gain the experience without doing something?"

I started reading a new book (Madame Bovary by Flaubert). This semester we study French, German and Scandinavian literature (and I also applied for the course in modernist novels), so there will be a lot of reading. 

However, when  I got home from university I wasted too much time on social media instead of working on my term paper:((

I had some thoughts on the social media to share but now I am way too sleepy for that. Perhaps tomorrow.

[Cam Adair]

Good job starting your journal. ?

[Catherine17]

Day 2/90

Saturday is the only day when I don't need to put an alarm clock. God bless the Saturday!

I finally started writing my term paper! I wonder why I had procrastinated for that amount of time. But at least I began. I must show something to the professor in charge this week. If I work regularly, I may be able to finish Chapter I in a week and present the report during the Academic Research class. 

Social media are the worst, because they form the unrealistic expectations. It confuses people and prevents them from living their own life. I wish I could have more healthy attitude and get inspired, not envious. In the morning I felt the craving to watch the letsplay. It sounds ridiculous, but felt the need with my fingers. I knew what I should type to get away from any 'troubles' such as term paper, personal growth and healthy mind. Before starting detox, I haven't watched letsplays for 40 days, because I knew that they could be more addictive and more available than the games. 

I've got together with the girls from other department today. It is nice to talk to real people, who are far more interesting than video game characters. We were sharing stories and laughing, I felt very comfortable around them.

My evening didn't went that smoothly:c  I procrastinated instead of working on my term paper and prepairing homework for my pupil. Fortunately, I managed to stop myself and send her the hometasks.

[Guest]

Get off social media. Is like cancer. 

The End of Procrastination: How to Stop Postponing and Live a Fulfilled Life - Petr Ludwig. Good book which is based on academic research. 

Love yourself unconditionally. This is the basis of everything. If you love yourself, you will do everything to be better.

[Catherine17]

@katsudo19 thank you for your advice! I' am sure to check this book out soon)

[Catherine17]

Day 3/90

I missed this feeling of being actually tired after a long day. Even the reward video games gave was a fake one. It is better to be rewarded for accomplishing real tasks, not imaginary ones.

In the morning I've met with my friend in a nice vegan cafe. We haven't seen each other in a while, so I was really happy to hang out with her. She is the person who knows exactly what she wants and how she is going to get that. I admire her and I value our friendship. She also offered me to take part in the upcoming training program in the company she is working for. It sounds like my next step, however, it's not going to happen soon. And she taught how to use chopsticks. It's never late to learn, lol.

Then I had a workout and an archery class. I took up archery last October. I remember my first day, when I was so afraid that I almost ran away. I have this feeling now and then, but I definitely became more confident. I am so sore after the training.

In the evening I was writing my term paper. I also applied for online psychology course. We had it last semester but it was awful, 'thanks' to our teacher who was making inappropriate comments all along. He once held the counselling with us. He told to my friend that she should quit her literature studies, because she should be a wife and a mother and two other foreign students were advised to embrace their 'southern temperant' and sexuality. I was told that nobody would ever marry me so I should write a book in a Kafka's manner instead. I had never read Kafka's works, but nodded just in case.

The busy week is coming along with Valentine's Day.

[Catherine17]

Day 4/90

I've just returned from the uni and I am angry and frustrated. At least now I know that these particular emotions trigger my cravings.

The question is what I should do with this info?

I just don't understand what's the point of dwelling on some unpleasant and unsignificant experience. Last year all my fellow students decided that they desperately needed to inform others that studying here was pointless. Everyone was rambling on about this constantly. 'I've bought a new dress and everything is pointless', 'Don't forget to hand in the task and  university is pointless', 'I always pay cash and my life is pointless' and so on, and so forth. And then I say 'everyone', I mean it. But, look, I got it, they don't like it here but I do. And it's freaking annoying. It's been a year now, let's move on.

The funniest part is that all they are doing is whining. Any official complain? No. Have any of them dropped out? No. 

They could have already found their new path in life! And if they had dropped out, my academic scholarship would have increased slightly.

I just don't get it.

If anyone is reading this, I have a small question.

How do you manage your anger? 

[BooksandTrees]

On 2/11/2019 at 8:50 AM, Catherine17 said:

 

If anyone is reading this, I have a small question.

How do you manage your anger? 

Lol you can read some of my passages to find the anger question and answer sessions.  I have been struggling with anger for my whole life.  I had to see a therapist (not for anger, but depression) and over the years I've been discovering that I've had this anger pent up for most of my life due to issues growing up.  I did months of research trying to understand why I built up anger. 

Now when I get angry I need to be cognizant of what's happening.  If I get competitive or think people are stupid, how does that affect me?  Does it matter what you think of others?  I have to constantly ask myself if someone does something in general, not towards me, that angers me, why should I react and will that make my situation better or worse?

I think the movie "Manic" is a good movie to watch for anger.  It's free on YouTube btw.  Might be a good watch.

People in general love to complain and say stupid shit.  That's why you are in college. You're going to meet people who don't shut up and randomly you'll find people who click with you.  Stay with them. Don't go crazy over other people.  Focus on yourself.

All emotions are going to trigger your cravings btw.  Start researching whether you get triggered from hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness or whether it's deeper than that.

[Catherine17]

@BooksandTrees

Thank you for sharing and giving me a piece of advice. Your story is something I can really relate to, seriously, even the part about seeing therapist.

On 2/12/2019 at 11:32 PM, BooksandTrees said:

People in general love to complain and say stupid shit.  That's why you are in college. You're going to meet people who don't shut up and randomly you'll find people who click with you.  Stay with them. Don't go crazy over other people.  Focus on yourself.

I needed that. Though it's something that is hard to keep in mind when you are going mad and get carried away by emotions.

[Catherine17]

Day 8/90

It's been a while. I haven't relapsed, but cravings were harsh. I performed well at university but when I was getting back home I was consequently ruining everything. I managed to get main things done, but it wasn't enough. I wonder how I lived through last semester with all my binge-gaming and youtube and letsplays. It's like there are two different Catherines - one can be productive, loves to learn and wants to be a part of someone's life and another one lives a mindless life and envies others instead of becoming

Even though I'd like to concentrate on positive things:

1. I decided to apply for a student exchange program. This is a huge step for me, because this is the first time I've decided to be honest with myself. I want to go abroad, even though I like saying that people are the same everywhere and this is a pointless experience. I used to be so frustrated about being unable to study abroad that I kept telling to myself that I don't want to, that it won't bring me anything, that it is stupid and so on. So I asked myself what I actually want. It will take some time to gather all necessary papers and I don't think my chances are hign but I will try anyway.

Even if I didn't succeed, it would be an interesting experience, because I feel very grown-up while collecting documents and asking important folks to sign them. And yes, I'm twenty.

2. I had a first lesson at the course for tour guides. Let it be my personal challenge. 

3. I had a swim class two days ago and I'm going to have one tomorrow. I enjoyed it a lot, a good swimming session always heps me to get rid of the mental fog. Though I kinda miss my old team but I hope I will get to know somebody to have a chat with eventually.

4. Today I have been very productive and had my own class. I start to realise that I enjoy being a tutor. It was very rewarding, indeed. I have prepaired a lesson, we talked a lot (we were discussing St. Valentine's day) and did some exercises. My affirmation for today definitely is 'Love what you do and do what you love'

5. I finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a wonderful story, an example of brilliant writing and composing. It tells us how unrealistic expectations may turn our life into hell. Emma Bovary spends her days daydreaming and waiting for the 'true love' to come, she craves for emotions and romance. Her expectations are built on romantic tales and clichéd love stories, so it's not a surprise that they don't match the real life. Of course, there is far more to that book that this, but I am always trying to connect fictional stories with my own life.

 

It's nice to return to journalling.

[Atari]

On 2/11/2019 at 2:50 PM, Catherine17 said:

Day 4/90

If anyone is reading this, I have a small question.

How do you manage your anger? 

A thing I got from a book, is that you say in your mind, "I wish for this person to be happy". Or you could try to be consciously grateful for something. Just think to yourself, I'm grateful that I am on a path to a better life, or I am grateful that the train/subway arrived in time, or that you are able to breath fresh air.

It might seem like minor things, but I find it resolves anger and make you happy, anger and happiness/gratefulness don't go together :)

 

[Catherine17]

7 hours ago, Atari said:

 anger and happiness/gratefulness don't go together ?

Well said:) Gratitude is a powerful concept.

Sometimes when it is hard to wish prosperity to others, I just say to myself 'They walk their own path and I shall walk mine' .

[Catherine17]

Day 9/90

The morning wasn't very productive but I talked to my father and we had a nice conversation. He told me a hilarious story about his former job. Sometimes I really wish I could become a police officer too. Unfortunately, he prohibited me to study the Law.

Then I went to the swimming pool, there were more people this time and it was much fun. Swimming can be some sort of meditation, you are fully concentrated on your moves, devotion and strength of the others charges you with energy, long strokes synchronize your body with water and for a moment you become water yourself...sounds almost religious.

I must beat my fear of heights, if I want to take part in the contest this year (and I want). 

I started reading Frankenstein, which is one of my favourite books and the source material for my term paper. I've read it twice already and with each time it becomes more interesting. Mary Shelley is a genious writer and a remarkable woman of her time.

I finished my assignment for Creative Writing school, gotta send this tomorrow.

In the evening I went to the local festival of ice sculptures. Some of them had melted down even before people arrived to celebrate! So much work - and it went for nothing:( I watched snow sculpures, took a walk along the enbankment and watched fireworks. They were launched from the lake, some of the police officers were controlling the process. One of them were filming it on his phone and it reminded me of my summer and the day I started my second detox (that lasted 56 days).

The historical was held at the same embankment. I hadn't slept a whole night - of course, I was binge-playing but still decided to get out of the house because I didn't want to miss the event. So I watched some fencing, shooted a bow and decided to go home. All of a sudden a little black cloud and downpouring rain made me change my mind. I found shelter in a small tent. Technically it belonged to the volunteers, but the downpour was horrible. So it was me, 6-7 teens who helped to run the show and two police officers, one of them was younger, the other one - older. The rain lasted, but in the end we were rewarded with a lot of rainbows in the sky. Everyone left the tent and started making pictures. The older policeman grumbled about 'the kids these days with their smartphones' and walked away. And by 'walked away' I mean that he hid behind the tent so his partner couldn't seem him and took a bunch of photos himself.

When he noticed me, he smiled and it was he who looked somehow younger, not me.

Alright, time travel is over.

[BooksandTrees]

Glad you had a good time.  What is the event you need to conquer your fear of heights for?  How do you like creative writing class?  I wanted to take a few of the classes in college, but I was playing video games and was lazy.  Now that I'm working full time and graduated I find myself writing for my major hobbies.  I was always told by my writing professors that I had a knack for it, but I never cared at the time.

[Catherine17]

Hey, @BooksandTrees!

On 2/17/2019 at 7:42 PM, BooksandTrees said:

What is the event you need to conquer your fear of heights for?

The annual swimming competition at our university. I could build up more speed if I would be able to jump from a pedestal instead of starting right from the water.

On 2/17/2019 at 7:42 PM, BooksandTrees said:

How do you like creative writing class?

Well, we've just started. During our first class we've discussed, whether writing is more about inspiration or techniques. My opinion turned out to be unpopular)

I believe, it is never too late to get back to what you like and what you are good at. Right things always happen at the right time and you have plenty of time to master your skills. I wish you luck!

[Catherine17]

Day 11/90

I knew that it was coming. I felt it in the air. When I was taking a walk during the break, I felt strange, I felt scared for no actual reason to be scared. Everything was fine, I collected almost everything for an exchange, I talked to my teachers and I finally manage to do all my homework (even in advance, so I had more time for the term paper).

And then I thought to myself

'it was hilarious if you would have a depressive episode, when you had finally gained a little bit of control, after all you was so productive, so energetic and full of life, so nice to  everyone around you, running up and down the stairs, fixing things that were meant to be broken, because good things never last'

and then I thought

'nononononono'

But it was too late.

So here I am, crying for the first time in 2019. Tour guiding course turned out not to be my thing, besides, the classes are held in the evening, till 10 pm, and everything is too much. I don't know whether I should quit or not. May be it was manic after all and I've overestimated myself (creative writing, tutoring, archery, swimming, trying to perform well at studies, term paper and an exchange program to sweeten the deal) or may be it is all in my head and I should learn how to handle life and stuff.

Now I am just going to lie down and cry a lot and tomorrow I will think about the solution.

[Guest]

It's okay to cry ? It gives you relief and after that you will have clearer mind.

[Catherine17]

@katsudo19thank you for your support

[Catherine17]

Day 12/90

And the best parent award goes straight to my mom, who spent a whole evening telling me what a miserable doormat I am. The funniest part is that yesterday she was very supportive and it was her idea that I could quit tour guiding course whenever I wanted. Now I know what she really thinks about me. At least it can provide some motivation and I must work hard to get out of this hell.

Cravings are unbearable as well as chest pains. Before coming home I thought everything could be alright, but nope.

Now about the good things, when I lost my credit card, another student sent me a message and I managed to get back my belongings without going crazy about it.

That's all for today. 

Edited February 19, 2019 by Catherine17

[Catherine17]

Day 0/90

I am still here, fighting the good fight!

I relapsed on Tuesday (the day 19th), problems kept piling up and I allowed myself to make things even worse. There were no cravings, no 'attacks', nothing that special, I just sat down, got a copy of the game and played. I finished it in 2,5 hours. Then I played another game. And then a couple of campaigns from some ancient TBS. One of the games I used to play had been updated and, of course, I was obliged to check that out too.

I also started to watch letsplays and streams again. 58 days without them - and all for nothing.

Tomorrow I will write a more profound entry here to reflect on experience I got from my relapse and get back to the community.

[Hmmge]

Welcome back. Awesome that you came back so fast! This is a long-term oriented process so don't worry about it. It wasn't all for nothing - you went for 58 days! That's incredible! Imagine how much time you would have wasted otherwise and how different would you feel if you hadn't succeeded for 58 days!

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

Day 0/90

I am still here, fighting the good fight!

I relapsed on Tuesday (the day 19th), problems kept piling up and I allowed myself to make things even worse. There were no cravings, no 'attacks', nothing that special, I just sat down, got a copy of the game and played. I finished it in 2,5 hours. Then I played another game. And then a couple of campaigns from some ancient TBS. One of the games I used to play had been updated and, of course, I was obliged to check that out too.

I also started to watch letsplays and streams again. 58 days without them - and all for nothing.

Tomorrow I will write a more profound entry here to reflect on experience I got from my relapse and get back to the community.

Catherine, don't beat yourself up too much over this relapse.  You're a passionate woman and are dedicated to yourself and your life.  This is going to hurt because you feel like you wasted all of this time, but it's important to reflect on what may have caused it, how you feel after causing it, and what you're going to do about it.  I know I felt humiliated, disappointed, embarrassed, angry, furious, and lost when I relapsed.  Like I let myself down and I was such a failure.  But I needed to understand what brought me to that, what I was missing, etc.  We fail and we fail for reasons.  These reasons can make us stronger until we finally go without relapsing.  It took me so many years of failure to get to where I am now.  You did great on this previous run and we're all going to be here for you on this next one.

[Catherine17]

@JustTom Thank you for your kind words!

I am trying to concentrate on good things, but sometimes it seems as if one wrong move destroys everything

[Catherine17]

@BooksandTrees thank you so much!

The one thing that fascinates me a lot with this forum and people of the community is that talent of finding the right words(: I am certainly to reflect on my experience. I believe the main cause to be my misunderstanding of life. There is life one displays and life the one actually lives. It is a bit difficult for myself to grasp one simple truth - what you see on social media is not what you get in real life.

Thank you again for your support!

[Catherine17]

Day whatever

You know then I said that I was going to get back 'tomorrow' I actually meant that 'I'm going down to the coast of Remorse to drown in lake called Self-Pity'. I spent way too much time on social media, panicking afterwards, trying to finish every assignment needed. I remember watching Tim Urban's TED Talk on procrastination. Absolutely loved this, especially the part about panic monster. Real science, you know. I recalled that because I found out that I have a MONTH before the conference where I need to present my term paper. And tomorrow I will try to approach professor in charge without running away, ashamed and devastated.

Now some basic obvious things I've learned from my relapse:

1. Journalling is important (now that's some irony). It is better to write a small entry instead of waiting for perfect time to write something sophisticated. 

2. Social media are trash as well as any gaming related sources. Gotta figure out what to do with this information.

3. If you decided to get back, delete everything asap. There were days when I said to myself 'alright, tomorrow I am getting back on track and will delete everything' and then decided to have my one last time, again and again.

4. The last but not least: your physical condition is important. (this is why I haven't slept for 36 hours, very stupid of me)

Now a personal thing I've finally realised.

I don't know what I want. I am craving for identity, some label would be enough. I need certainty. I lack feeling of belonging somewhere, of being someone. People usually have their own opinion on different issues, minor or bigger. I don't have any. I can convince myself of anything, because for me there is no wrong or right, there are little truths, each of them is true enough for me. I have so many opinions that I have none. 

The gaming is that it creates a cosy familiar world, where your opportunities are limited, there are rules there. There are rules in real life too but they don't correspond with each other and I simply don't know what rule to follow. This brand new freedom I discover on a detox scares me so much that I escape. I need to learn to trust myself and find the right rules and right truths that would work for me.