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Catherine17

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Day 4

Skipped the day yesterday, since I was very busy with my term paper. I can hear the clock ticking. I haven’t sent anything to my supervisor yet, and it is a catastrophe, but I am on it right now. Hope to send the theoretical research today and practical stuff tomorrow.  There is hope…I hope. The worst scenario – my supervisor will tell me to get down to editing, I won’t have time for that and won’t be able to hand everything in on Monday, lose my scholarship and will be having cerebral sex with folks from my department till I am done. Some part of me knows that I kinda deserved all this, but if that happens, I will be crying my heart out till the end of times.

And on top of all this – hello, cravings, my old friends. I haven’t get out of the house during these two days, so that can explain it. It is hard to concentrate on Mary Shelley when you think of creating your own golems in a video games. I decided to make this entry to let myself know that I won’t give up that easy. It will take more than some four stupid days to destroy.

I should stay on my path.

After all, the cravings are a sign that I am doing everything right.

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Day 5

I am losing my scholarship. Why does it seem such a disaster? My supervisor refused to check my paper until it is 'completed properly'. I hate that formal stuff. I hope I'll get it done by tomorrow and she will have time to check it, and I  will have time to edit it...

It is impossible. At least I spend half of my day, not worrying about it, chilling in our little summer cottage. The weather was impossibly hot, but it's getting colder now, good news.

I am still true to my commitment.

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Day 6

I am very exhausted and cannot think of anything right now. I almost finished my paper (though my supervisor still hasn’t checked what I’ve sent her). I know, it’s Sunday and stuff, but we only have one day left…I am very scared and overwhelmed and also checking my mailbox every five seconds.

This condition trigger my cravings and I am starting to invent excuses and trying to reason with myself, trying to convince myself why I need to play. But I will not give up today.

I am true to my commitment.

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Day 7

I did it. I just need to correct a few mistakes here and there and I am free. My course paper is completed, 34 pages of pure literary studies, written in four days. Wow. I achieved what I was striving for, but why am I not happy?  I feel empty and sad.

Last time I made a mistake trying to fix such condition with videogames. But now…The truth is I don’t feel determined any longer. I was walking home and only one thought was pulsating in my head. ‘I must play this precise game, the detox means nothing, you won’t have time for this when you graduate from university’. Cravings are very intense right now. Is it going to be better? I really hope so, I do.

I thought about my mistakes. Maybe, I am sort of enjoying the feeling of commitment and determination...I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it feels so cool to start a detox, but this feeling fades away after a few days, and you feel down and you go on a binge, and then you decide you cannot go on like this and you go on a detox, which feels great, but then you are tired and it all happens again. I must meditate on that for a while. It may help. 

I am true to my commitment.

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1 hour ago, Catherine17 said:

I thought about my mistakes. Maybe, I am sort of enjoying the feeling of commitment and determination...I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it feels so cool to start a detox, but this feeling fades away after a few days, and you feel down and you go on a binge, and then you decide you cannot go on like this and you go on a detox, which feels great, but then you are tired and it all happens again. I must meditate on that for a while. It may help. 

 

I never thought about this, but it's kind of true for me too. After two or more weeks, it feels like the norm, it feels kinda boring. Like 'is that it' ? Just being normal? Where's all the world-conquering? It's like we want to do a 180 in a few weeks and become superstars. Maybe it's because taking a detox feels like becoming a superstar, because it's going from shit to normal so the improvement is huge. But then to go from normal to excellent takes exponentially longer and that's where the patience runs out. 

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On 5/13/2019 at 9:28 PM, JustTom said:

I never thought about this, but it's kind of true for me too. After two or more weeks, it feels like the norm, it feels kinda boring. Like 'is that it' ? Just being normal? Where's all the world-conquering? It's like we want to do a 180 in a few weeks and become superstars. Maybe it's because taking a detox feels like becoming a superstar, because it's going from shit to normal so the improvement is huge. But then to go from normal to excellent takes exponentially longer and that's where the patience runs out. 

Yes, and extensive gaming breaks our reward system, because of instant gratification we get while playing games. It is becomes hard to work on long-term goals, because they seem so distant and vague, while games are always understandable and predictable.

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Day 10

I remember the last three days rather vaguely. I even thought only two days passed since the last time I had posted here. Weird.

I sleep less than 4 hours a day so I can say that I am now out of depth. Everything seems so…It is a disaster honestly. I am struggling at university, at work and with my writing. I still haven’t sent to the supervisor my article, and I cannot even dare to tell her that I need more time. Stupid me. It is like I cannot stop. I’ve always been a workaholic I guess…But taking more than I can handle?

Tomorrow I have a super difficult test I am not prepared for, a presentation and Swedish lesson. The Swedish lesson might seem innocent, but it isn’t – we didn’t have them for weeks. I need to get through this, hold on a little longer.

And after that I am going to celebrate! Today is the last day I am 20 years old!  Of course, I used to imagine how I would turn 21, knowing that my detox is completed and nothing controls me, but 10 is a good number too. I have cravings, but when I finally have free time, I will prefer to get some sleep instead. Tomorrow I hope to go out with my friend during the break and after classes I want to go to the cinema. I don’t know, though, whether I want to see John Wick 3 or The Hustle. May be I will just go home and watch something for sheer innocent fun.

But I probably have to work or at least start working on the copywriting articles. I seem to gain some trust, so I am paid a little bit more, but it also means I have to write more. I’ll do the minimum tomorrow, create a plan or something. If I want stop torturing myself, I might as well break down and I don’t want that.

And I want to stop watching letsplays too. I am tired of them. It seems that I need someone talking on the background in order to ignore my own thoughts. And…well, that’s pathetic, but I wanted to watch one game when it is out, but gamedevs postponed the release date (and they did that on a release date), so I don’t think it is going to be out soon. And this was the reason I kept watching YouTube videos, like, why quitting if I am waiting for the game. I am glad I couldn’t check this one myself. I hate playing horror games.

Journaling really helps. I feel so much better now.

I am true to my commitment.

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Welcome to the club of 21s! I can't say I feel old yet, so that's worth something 😄

Quitting game-related content seems like a good idea, during the detox anyway. Get some better sleep and get after them with John Wick!

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Day 11

The best birthday ever! I didn’t fail the test, I presented well and everyone were so kind to me. The weather is wonderful today, I went for a walk after university. Couldn’t make it to the movies, though. The film starts right after classes, or late in the evening. But we went out with a friend of mine during lunch. We finally visited that amazing restaurant we always wanted to go to, and I ordered janchi guksu (warm noodle soup) and we also ate sushi. When I get back home, turned out that we are having a pizza instead of a birthday cake. That was funny, but I wonder why Dad decided to choose pineapple pizza…

I made some notes about the articles I am going to write tomorrow and finish my Finnish homework, so I just have to message my supervisor about the article (she’s definitely going to freak out) and I will finally able to relax. Tomorrow is tomorrow.

The only disappointing thing – turned out that I got the wrong information about the deadline! Now I cannot apply for a bigger scholarship. It is unfair, because, they have never informed us about it. And we are getting all the necessary certificates only after the 24th of May, so the game was rigged from the start. Ugh.

This is my first day without YouTube and I thought about it during the day, but managed to abstain. I will block it on my phone as well as on my computer to avoid problems.

I am true to my commitment.

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How are you going to block it on your phone? I tried blocking porn but I can always just open an incognito tab or download a new browser. I feel like my issue will only be solved by self control. 

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@BooksandTrees I will just block the YouTube app. For me it is important to remove the easiest opporunities to relapse,  because it will take some time to install new browser or try to find letsplays somewhere else. I am also trying to be more aware if I want to watch letsplays, but at the same time I am trying to forge self-control as well.

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Day 12

Today I cannot concentrate on anything productive. I had a lesson with Diana and then prepared study materials for another student. That’s all for today. I must finish two articles, but I just cannot. I am very tired.

I am thinking about quitting copywriting. I am not enjoying at all. Like really, convincing people to buy their term papers instead of writing? And they want me to work more (but the prices are same, and they are low). If I don’t dedicate more time to my studies, I will fail and lose my scholarship and I cannot let this happen.

But at least I finally found time for my sketches. I missed painting.

Now I would send the article I’ve written and say that I am sorry but I don’t have time and I am not able to work anymore. I had more fun translating articles and interviews about the books. And I did for free! I guess, the money isn’t everything…

I am exhausted, but still…

I am true to my commitment.

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Edited by Catherine17
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Day 13

The cravings were painful today. They were more physical, if I can put it that way. I had anxiety and the tension felt unbearable, I was all strained and unable to relax. Even the hot bath was useless. I am not saying that I am unfamiliar with that sensation but it is what I will never get used to. Yet, it makes me sure about my decision being right. If I feel that bad on a physical level, then right now games are bad for me.

I tried to write and I think I have an idea for my next short story, though, it didn’t help much. Fortunately, in the evening I attended the theater. The Donizetti’s Elixir of Love is amazing. The story is fascinating and funny and the characters are adorable. Good music and good laugh helped me to get through all this nightmarish experience. I am grateful for the art.

Speaking about the art…I drew a sketch for my friend. She has her Birthday tomorrow and I am really excited, because I prepared a cool gift and I can’t wait to see her face when she sees the book, the chocolates and the sketch. I hope she likes them. Well, anyway, the lighthouse sketch is one of my favourite so far. I hope I’ll be able to draw more this summer.

Yesterday I postponed submitting the copywriting article till the very last moment, but now I feel free. It was tiring, but valuable experience. Now I concentrate on my studies, especially when I found that our two professors decided to switch places and instead of one home task I am almost ready with, I must do another.

One day I will have a predictable boring life.

I am true to my commitment.
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Hi Catherine, you haven't posted for a few days, I hope everything is OK! And even if not, just take it easy and check up on the forum for a bit, I find that it helps me whether I'm doing good or bad. 

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Catherine, are you available? We miss you! I hope you are okay. Everything will turn out for the better when you get the chance. I know I have struggled sometimes and I dealt with life fine.

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Day 0

It’s been two weeks since my last report. It is somehow strange to come back. Two weeks ago, I felt that there’s so much awaiting me in the future…After two weeks of binge-gaming I am not so sure about it. It seems that all I am doing here is sabotaging myself, giving promises but never keeping them. I know I should keep trying, but it becomes harder and harder for me to trust myself.

What I am grateful for is my birthday and the way I spent it, free from games. It seems a dim and distant past now. You know, when bad things are meant to happen, they tend to happen all at once. It was the Monday of the 20th of May. The Tuesday followed then. Those two days brought nothing but despair, it left some marks, literally. It wasn’t even a craving, but something from the past. Well, I thought the past was the past, but I guess ignoring some things isn’t the same as chasing them away for good, so when they all decided to strike, I was completely unprepared and unarmed. My family, university, job…When I am saying that I want my life to be boring and predictable I wish nothing but feeling of consistence and security I will never ever get. It’s only an apparition, mere a dream to strive for but never achieve.

I used to hope that I manage to meet summer being free or at least getting through the hardest obstacles. Well, that didn’t happen. I have to begin again. But this time I should not bargain with myself. I spend more than 15 years playing videogames, so why can’t I survive 90 days? Perhaps, I should stop seeking acceptance. The gaming community and the games itself have changed a lot, especially since I was a kid. I’ve changed too. There is no way for me to see anything god in them. I used to say there was, but now I am doubting my own words. It is not about balance, because right now games are outweighing everything in my life. Everything. All positive things find their substitute, but never works with negative things. They are always there and they are growing.

What have I learnt from my painful experience? Games are a substitute to everything in my life. With them my life becomes a shallow existence, an arduous sleep, a bog from which you cannot escape, I felt that I was sinking. Strange, but I seem to repeat myself. Anyway, games are a force that was dragging me down. It took me three or four day to stop caring about my exams, about my parents, about myself. I stopped caring, right, but kept the anxiety, I didn’t have desire or strength to cope with my problems (or at least to admit that I cannot control everything in my life) but I recognized the problems at hand. I was passively watching everything going to hell.

I don’t want to spend another summer like this. This is my last carefree summer. I need to learn and this is not just about the practical skills. It’s how to plan and be responsible, how to manage your time, how to keep moving. I should learn to trust myself. We are supposed to be the people that we can count on. That’s the thing. I am not that person. Sometimes I don’t know how I can tolerate myself. I need to learn how to be me.

And now to practical and tangible things. The exams are close as hell and we are not free from our daily routine. Each day brings something new. The goal is to last till Friday and hand in two papers on Kafka (deadline: Tuesday) and then – to the next big day - to Thursday. And millions of other tasks, I created a list for myself and will try to work according to the plan. I'll try to post daily.

I haven’t read what I’ve written, because I haven’t slept for two days, so it might as well be pretty meaningless. Of course, I’ve been playing all this time. But I don’t want it anymore. It won’t help. And I won’t even think about the so-called healthy approach. It is not for me.

Hope I can last a little bit longer this time.

I am true to my commitment.

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Day 1

Just a short entry. I didn't play yesterday, but still consumed a lot of content. Haven't slept again. Finished 11 pages paper on Kafka. I am thinking to write something about him, as soon as I get some sleep and get out of his bizarre universe. Here is the random turtle.

I am true to my commitment.

 Hep19ZvD8PM.thumb.jpg.ed3cd470c927a3d023a6d5eea9bc125d.jpg

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40 minutes ago, Catherine17 said:

Day 1

Just a short entry. I didn't play yesterday, but still consumed a lot of content. Haven't slept again. Finished 11 pages paper on Kafka. I am thinking to write something about him, as soon as I get some sleep and get out of his bizarre universe. Here is the random turtle.

I am true to my commitment.

 Hep19ZvD8PM.thumb.jpg.ed3cd470c927a3d023a6d5eea9bc125d.jpg

This turtle is beautiful. I actually really love that. How did you make that?

Also, have you considered creating or joining an art group? I mention this because video games are keystone lifestyles that replace or fill the needs of humans.  We crave things such as Creativity, Variety, Growth, Love and Connection, Contribution, and Significance or Purpose in life.  Have you broken down these ideas to see what you are missing and see if video games are fueling that?

I wrote this blog piece that I'll post soon.  It's based off of Tony Robbins' idea that there are 6 fundamental needs every human requires to live:

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@BooksandTrees, thank you! Sorry I haven't responded earlier.

On 6/4/2019 at 7:38 PM, BooksandTrees said:

This turtle is beautiful. I actually really love that. How did you make that?

It is watercolour + black and white gel pens

On 6/4/2019 at 7:38 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Also, have you considered creating or joining an art group? I mention this because video games are keystone lifestyles that replace or fill the needs of humans.  We crave things such as Creativity, Variety, Growth, Love and Connection, Contribution, and Significance or Purpose in life.  Have you broken down these ideas to see what you are missing and see if video games are fueling that?

Thank you for giving such a useful information and valuable insight! Certainty is definitely what I lack.  As for the Art group I may only one online, because my friends don't consider sketching to be real art...

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11 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

my friends don't consider sketching to be real art...

Sorry to hear that, but your friends are wrong. I like your drawings very much.

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