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Sashiku

The Person I want to be

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8 hours ago, Sashiku said:

Went to see family for Halloween. Had a really good time. I did have some dreams about gaming and woke up a couple times thinking about what game I was going to play that day. I shook it off each time though. Right now I am feeling really lonely because all my friends game and we aren't talking like at all since I quit. I know they are a weak spot for me so I am going to just try to make new ones that are into other things. I still definitely feel lonely and a bit sad though.

I hope it gets better for you.  I understand how that feels to lose your gaming friends to a game.  I still keep in contact with two people outside of the gaming environment.  One friend I met in person and I discovered that she is my complete opposite in regards to personality.  In a game situation, sometimes it's a bit misleading as to how people really are in person.  She seemed a lot more outgoing in the game versus in real life.  Still, we're friends to this day, although I don't hang out with her often, even though she lives only thirty minutes away from me.  

With any friendship, I suppose it will take time to nurture it.  Good idea about making friends that are into other things.  It's an exciting adventure to search for new people to hang out with.  🙂 

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P.S.  The other gaming friends I 'had' haven't contacted me outside of the game.  I think they prefer keeping their online gaming separate from befriending the people they game with.  Also, I noticed they didn't really talk about other hobbies they were into.  Either the topic never came up, or they just didn't have other hobbies besides gaming.  A bit sad, really.  

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On 11/4/2019 at 7:07 PM, CornishGameHen said:

I hope it gets better for you.  I understand how that feels to lose your gaming friends to a game.  I still keep in contact with two people outside of the gaming environment.  One friend I met in person and I discovered that she is my complete opposite in regards to personality.  In a game situation, sometimes it's a bit misleading as to how people really are in person.  She seemed a lot more outgoing in the game versus in real life.  Still, we're friends to this day, although I don't hang out with her often, even though she lives only thirty minutes away from me.  

With any friendship, I suppose it will take time to nurture it.  Good idea about making friends that are into other things.  It's an exciting adventure to search for new people to hang out with.  🙂 

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately the friends I speak of have been my friends both inside and outside of games for years and years. One I met before I started gaming 15 years ago. Now that I am not gaming though, those close friendships are being tested and some even disappearing. That is the main reason I am upset. People in the games themselves I don't care too much about, its just my really close knit relationships that I am sad about because they are sadly not doing well now.

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It's been a month since I last gamed. I am not even gaming on my 3DS like last time. I have't even touched an app game. I am pretty proud of myself. I found an extension for Chrome that lets me put sticky notes on any page I want. I put motivational stickys all over my home page. I also have been using a couple of apps. One is called Fabulous and the other is an audio diary. I have been keeping audio notes on my progress and things I want to accomplish which is super handy since hearing my own voice talk about my dreams motivates me and makes me more determined to never go back. Fabulous is great for establishing a morning routine and getting better sleep. I also use tide when I am having a particularly hard time sleeping.

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Doing well, did a lot of studying recently. Studying helps me keep my mind busy. I have had urges to play games recently but I haven't. I did think about playing scrabble on my phone but I think I want to keep board games to real life only. I might do a puzzle later, but all in all I am not doing too bad. I have been bored time to time but not too badly. My house is still a right mess, I did clean some of it but its just hard to get up the energy and motivation to do it. I really don't like chores but my apartment is horrible. I have to do something.

 

Here are some practice Cherokee pages i did:

Chrokee Practice 1.jpg

Chrokee Practice 2.jpg

Chrokee Practice 3.jpg

Edited by Sashiku
Forgot to add pictures.
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Been procrastinating as usual. Kind of tired of it but dunno how to stop it. I am subscribed to ADDitude Magazine and saw this article today.

https://www.additudemag.com/why-do-i-procrastinate/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=adult_november_2019&utm_content=111919&goal=0_d9446392d6-e444cce18d-294636669

Turns out my procrastination is most likely due to my constant desire for Dopamine. Makes sense since I have always been into very stimulating activities like gaming and creativity. Gonna try to work through this with the suggestions they put down. Hope this works, My apartment is still a huge mess and I can't ever seem to tackle the chores. I also don't have a lot of energy and doing 3 loads of laundry last week was so tiring that I could barely move afterward. I hope I figure out this procrastination thing, but it's sorta been a life-long issue so It's gonna be a long road to fix it.

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Things aren't going well. I think I am deep in the throws of gaming withdrawal. My mood is terrible, I barely have an appetite, I have no energy, I can't sleep properly, I have cried more these past couple of weeks than I had in 4 months. And my self loathing has returned. I HATE letting people down! It's my worst fear, which is why gaming was my go-to. I could forget all the people I let down all those years. I don't want to forget any more, I want it to STOP. I hate that I'm not able to keep my word because of something as stupid as sleeping. I want to be a better person who keeps their word most of the time. I just want to be a good person. I don't feel so good right now. EVERYTHING is changing and I can just barely keep up with it. My friends are still nowhere to be seen, I haven't got anyone to talk to and I feel like I'm at a low point. But... tomorrow will be better, right? I have made up my mind that I will NEVER! EVER! IN A TRILLION YEARS! GO BACK TO THAT STTTTTTTTUUUUPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDD GAMING HABIT!!!!! I'M DONE!!! Look what it has done to me! Look what it's done to my family! I HATE IT! And I hate myself too for letting it become like this.
 
Maybe one day things will be ok, but right now I am having a rough time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
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I'm ok. I had to calm down and collect my thoughts. I strongly recommend this song to anyone feeling down. I am still down, but much less so than I was. I just let small problems blind me sometimes.
 

 

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Stay strong. It seems many people are also struggling right now so know you are not alone. The most difficult time for quitting is between 30 and 90 days in my opinion. Willpower only gets people so far. Where you're at is where most people quit and relapse. I can tell from the passion in your words that you're not a quitter this time around. This phase is when people start to realize things in their lives are difficult and they can't escape into gaming or other habits anymore. I think you're doing great getting this far and should be proud of it. Time to harness that passion for yourself.

You mentioned letting people down and I sense some regret and shame in your writing. I think you're at the stage of recovery now where it might be best to just sit there and explore these thoughts. Explore why you regret letting people down. Write a list out and read it back to yourself. Does it seem logical to you? This could be a good way to check and see if you're actually being fair to yourself. Sometimes we can only do so much as humans and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to not let people or yourself down with procrastination and keeping your word. 

One thing at a time. Tonight is your thing right now. It's right in front of you. You have a few hours before going to bed. Explore some thoughts, exercise, draw something, prepare a meal for tomorrow, or even singing a few songs and dancing around in your socks on the floor could be fun. Maybe just doing a simple exercise like going from cobra to downward dog in yoga for like 15 minutes. Change your mental environment and if you're feeling cabin fever go for a drive for 30 minutes and come back.

I think you're doing great and I know you can get through these next few hours because tomorrow is a different day. Life is ever changing and so are you. 15 minutes from now could be a great time. You got this.

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On 11/23/2019 at 8:05 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Stay strong. It seems many people are also struggling right now so know you are not alone. The most difficult time for quitting is between 30 and 90 days in my opinion. Willpower only gets people so far. Where you're at is where most people quit and relapse. I can tell from the passion in your words that you're not a quitter this time around. This phase is when people start to realize things in their lives are difficult and they can't escape into gaming or other habits anymore. I think you're doing great getting this far and should be proud of it. Time to harness that passion for yourself.

You mentioned letting people down and I sense some regret and shame in your writing. I think you're at the stage of recovery now where it might be best to just sit there and explore these thoughts. Explore why you regret letting people down. Write a list out and read it back to yourself. Does it seem logical to you? This could be a good way to check and see if you're actually being fair to yourself. Sometimes we can only do so much as humans and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to not let people or yourself down with procrastination and keeping your word. 

One thing at a time. Tonight is your thing right now. It's right in front of you. You have a few hours before going to bed. Explore some thoughts, exercise, draw something, prepare a meal for tomorrow, or even singing a few songs and dancing around in your socks on the floor could be fun. Maybe just doing a simple exercise like going from cobra to downward dog in yoga for like 15 minutes. Change your mental environment and if you're feeling cabin fever go for a drive for 30 minutes and come back.

I think you're doing great and I know you can get through these next few hours because tomorrow is a different day. Life is ever changing and so are you. 15 minutes from now could be a great time. You got this.

Thank you so much. People like you inspire me so much. I appreciate the positivity, can never have too much of that. And Yea, I have only made it this far once before, and I am hellbent on not going back. I want to move forward, not back.  And I agree, it is really hard between 30-90 days. I have game dreams, I am stressed, I don't feel great, and I am emotional. BUT, I am still determined. I just wanna get through this rough patch. I will take your advice to heart, I think it could be to my advantage to do such things. And no, I was not being fair to myself. I come from a history of self hatred, but I don't hate myself anymore. I say affirmations and try to stay positive and respect myself. I just, hate letting others down.

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Things are going ok, but I lost another friend. My friend of 15 years. She was talking to me about how her life feels monotonous so I suggested she maybe find a hobby she enjoys and some friends who also enjoy that hobby and she took it all completely wrong. She has been taking everything I say wrong for months now. We just aren't connecting, it's like she WANTS to take everything wrong. In any case, she said she needed a break from our friendship and well... I told her that she has been this way for months now and I don't need such a negative person in my life. So, I told her I was done and we went our separate ways. 15 years down the toilet because I wanted her to be happy? It just doesn't make any sense. She seemed to think I was saying she didn't have any friends, but that wasn't anywhere CLOSE to what I was saying at all. Half the time we talk anymore she takes everything completely wrong, as if she's imagining it all in her head.

I am kind of glad it's over though. I have... outgrown her as well as many of my friends, which is sad, but reality. I am working on myself, I have been for 2 years, but they just stayed the same. I also realize that our relationship wasn't healthy. I clung to that friendship like a passenger clinging to a sinking ship. I was really afraid of being alone for a long time, I put 110% of myself into my friendships. I even spent a ton of money buying them games because I thought if we had a game to bond over, we'd stay together. In the end, and thousands of hours and dollars later, I guess glue and duct tape can only keep a damaged ship floating for so long. It's over but I guess that was inevitable.

I am going out of town today to spend Thanksgiving with family. I really don't feel much like celebrating but what can I do? I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving.

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@Sashiku do not feel sad . our world has 6.5 billion of people ! and we have enough time to make the best friends over and over .

all of us have quit games or trying to do that , we are much better people than before . 

life is awesome because it contains problems !! yes problems are the best thing in the life becauase they force us to improve and there are nothing better than killing a problem and approach into a bigger 1 ! so we have to solve our problems positively and take them as a challenge ! 

i do not know why people feel excited when they see their hero on T.V facing problems while they feel sad if they got 1 in the real life! problems are challenges and they make us better humans  .

our life is a story , problems are challenges , and we are the heroes of it .

PEACE

 

 

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Well, I didn't get to go out of town for Thanksgiving. I felt a bit sick when I woke up but it got worse as the day went on. I started to feel a fever coming on so I told my aunt I wasn't feeling well and if I could just rest a bit maybe I'd feel ok. Well, my other aunt told me to hurry up and make up my mind, and then my other aunt said "You don't want to get anyone sick so..." So I told her I wasn't going. Now my dad is SURE I skipped out on purpose, either because I didn't actually want to see him, or because I wanted to stay home playing games. WHY IS NOVEMBER SUCH A CRAPPY MONTH?! This month has been SO hard on me, I haven't had any time to recuperate after each problem this month. And they were all big problems, one after the other after the other. I just feel lost. Even when I don't game for 2 months, I still get accused of it. To be honest, I'm so tired of this, I almost just want to check out of life. Ever since I quit it has been constant negative things happening to me. I know that's because I had surrounded myself in negative things and now I am having to break free of them... I won't go back to gaming, I've come this far and broken away from so many negative things already, I just... I just wish I had some HELP.

Now, for Thanksgiving, instead of having a great time with my family, helping make noodles from scratch, I will be here, sick and nearly out of groceries for the month. All I have left is vegetable soup, packaged tuna and salmon, ramen and a couple blackbean patties. I didn't choose this, this is just where my path lead. No way was I gonna go to my dads and get everybody sick! I'm not an asshole. I'll take one for the team and let my Thanksgiving be crappy so that theirs isn't.

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4 hours ago, ismailkanaan said:

@Sashiku do not feel sad . our world has 6.5 billion of people ! and we have enough time to make the best friends over and over .

all of us have quit games or trying to do that , we are much better people than before . 

life is awesome because it contains problems !! yes problems are the best thing in the life becauase they force us to improve and there are nothing better than killing a problem and approach into a bigger 1 ! so we have to solve our problems positively and take them as a challenge ! 

i do not know why people feel excited when they see their hero on T.V facing problems while they feel sad if they got 1 in the real life! problems are challenges and they make us better humans  .

our life is a story , problems are challenges , and we are the heroes of it .

PEACE

 

 

You're right. Problems are important for learning and bettering yourself, and yea, solving problems helps you prepare for the next one. But sometimes if there are too many problems at once, it can overwhelm you, and that is when you lean on your friends. But what if you don't have any friends to lean on? What then?

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Journal: Nov 30th, 2019: I still can't believe Brandi is gone... 15 years for nothing. I still don't understand why she is upset with me. I honestly was trying to be there for her. I saw this coming though. She hasn't been as close with me since I quit gaming. She never takes time to spend with me. She's selfish... but maybe I am too. I wanted to have a family that wasn't like my real family. I wanted a family of friends based on love, trust and loyalty... but it seems it was impossible.
Maybe because I'm a liar too.
I started lying when I started playing games.
I never really lied much before that.
 
I lied about how much time I spent playing, and I lied about spending all night playing. I would always say I couldn't sleep or I lost track of time. Most of the time, I knew exactly what time it was, but I was hyper-focusing and couldn't pull myself away. I didn't want to pull myself away. I was happy in the game world... Leaving that world meant I would have to face all the bullcrap i lived with.
 
So, after telling those little lies, it became easier to tell big ones.
I lie about not being upset sometimes because I try so hard not to shake the pot. In other words, I am a coward and I hate conflict. Even when I am upset with somebody, I try really hard not to be. Even when a friend upsets me, I don't want to upset them further, so I hide my pain in hopes that it won't happen again.
 
I also have trouble saying no.
I feel so stupid for being like that.
Is it bad to just want everybody to be happy?
It is, if it comes at my own expense... I realized that recently
But those bad habits are so ingrained in me that I just keep doing them.
A friend that ignored me for a month and a half showed up on discord one day saying she's a trash friend for not being around. I was REALLY upset. She was one of the 4 people who abandoned me after I quit gaming, but I forgave her instantly anyway, even though I wanted to say it isn't ok. I didn't want to hold a grudge and I didn't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive people. But I probably could have used a couple of days to think it over. Is that asking too much? So, she then spends the night the day after, telling me about all these other friends she spent a ton of time with. Saying it was BEFORE she stopped talking to me which I find hard to believe since she hasn't spoken to me in such a long time and she said she had only gone 2 days without gaming in the past week. She comes across as a liar but I hate to think that about anyone. I also wonder if that is me just guarding myself since I have had so many painful moments lately with friendships. Ever since she stayed over, she has only said a few words to me over discord. And only when I initiate. Well, I bought her 3 sodas when she came over. Like that, I just spent that laundry money on her without a second thought. She didn't even thank me.
Sometimes it is easier to let people walk all over you than say no.
Anyway, I just, had some thoughts about this situation. I should have put this friendship to rest years and years ago, it's really torn me up inside. I was just too much of a coward to do it.
This friendship did more damage than good.
It was an unhealthy relationship.
Now, I am going to work on me for the next year and see how it goes.
I have a whole new future to look forward to.

This isn't a self hatred post. This is a self realization post. When I hate on myself, I tend to be much more angry with myself and throw in a lot of self pity. I want to be a person who is accountable for their actions, a person who takes responsibility when it's their fault. That is what I am trying to do, as well as learn from these mistakes. It won't be a picnic to change all this, but I have to try.

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4 hours ago, Sashiku said:
Journal: Nov 30th, 2019: I still can't believe Brandi is gone... 15 years for nothing. I still don't understand why she is upset with me. I honestly was trying to be there for her. I saw this coming though. She hasn't been as close with me since I quit gaming. She never takes time to spend with me. She's selfish... but maybe I am too. I wanted to have a family that wasn't like my real family. I wanted a family of friends based on love, trust and loyalty... but it seems it was impossible.
Maybe because I'm a liar too.
I started lying when I started playing games.
I never really lied much before that.
 
I lied about how much time I spent playing, and I lied about spending all night playing. I would always say I couldn't sleep or I lost track of time. Most of the time, I knew exactly what time it was, but I was hyper-focusing and couldn't pull myself away. I didn't want to pull myself away. I was happy in the game world... Leaving that world meant I would have to face all the bullcrap i lived with.
 
So, after telling those little lies, it became easier to tell big ones.
I lie about not being upset sometimes because I try so hard not to shake the pot. In other words, I am a coward and I hate conflict. Even when I am upset with somebody, I try really hard not to be. Even when a friend upsets me, I don't want to upset them further, so I hide my pain in hopes that it won't happen again.
 
I also have trouble saying no.
I feel so stupid for being like that.
Is it bad to just want everybody to be happy?
It is, if it comes at my own expense... I realized that recently
But those bad habits are so ingrained in me that I just keep doing them.
A friend that ignored me for a month and a half showed up on discord one day saying she's a trash friend for not being around. I was REALLY upset. She was one of the 4 people who abandoned me after I quit gaming, but I forgave her instantly anyway, even though I wanted to say it isn't ok. I didn't want to hold a grudge and I didn't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive people. But I probably could have used a couple of days to think it over. Is that asking too much? So, she then spends the night the day after, telling me about all these other friends she spent a ton of time with. Saying it was BEFORE she stopped talking to me which I find hard to believe since she hasn't spoken to me in such a long time and she said she had only gone 2 days without gaming in the past week. She comes across as a liar but I hate to think that about anyone. I also wonder if that is me just guarding myself since I have had so many painful moments lately with friendships. Ever since she stayed over, she has only said a few words to me over discord. And only when I initiate. Well, I bought her 3 sodas when she came over. Like that, I just spent that laundry money on her without a second thought. She didn't even thank me.
Sometimes it is easier to let people walk all over you than say no.
Anyway, I just, had some thoughts about this situation. I should have put this friendship to rest years and years ago, it's really torn me up inside. I was just too much of a coward to do it.
This friendship did more damage than good.
It was an unhealthy relationship.
Now, I am going to work on me for the next year and see how it goes.
I have a whole new future to look forward to.

This isn't a self hatred post. This is a self realization post. When I hate on myself, I tend to be much more angry with myself and throw in a lot of self pity. I want to be a person who is accountable for their actions, a person who takes responsibility when it's their fault. That is what I am trying to do, as well as learn from these mistakes. It won't be a picnic to change all this, but I have to try.

This is a lot of information and it shows how much you're dealing with at the moment. It's a lot of pressure to restructure your life, beliefs, friend circle, hobbies, etc. I was in your same position last year around this time probably around page 8 or 9 of my journal. I was filled with conflicting emotions of hatred, anger, deception, wanting better friends, wanting better hobbies, regret, feeling alone from my family, disappointed in people around me and disappointed with myself. It's chaotic to feel this way.

My advice to you is allow yourself to blow off steam and then accept yourself and focus on your future.

You are doing the right thing removing these friends from your life. I lost all of my friends from professional gaming and all of my friends from my discord communities. They all abandoned me after I quit gaming. I view them as vegetable people in a coma who can't understand anything I am saying. It's not worth spending any time whatsoever trying to be friends with them. You were a friend of theirs in their suffering and escapism (playing games) and now that you're gone from their world you're gone entirely. They're not real friends. It sounds like you were just their sounding board so they didn't feel alone and didn't care about what you had to say to them about yourself.

You're going to meet friends along the way on your new journey. It's just going to take some time. Every few days or even a few hours during this rough patch of game recovery you're going to flare up with emotions such as sadness or loneliness. The human body reacts to these emotions with anger sometimes. Remember to allow yourself to blow off steam. One of my favorite ways to deal with these emotions is listening to songs like "Give 'Em Hell, Kid" by My Chemical Romance in the car and just scream the words. It could be any song. Headbang, smash your seats, go nuts and let yourself lose the pent up frustration. You might not even be angry, but just frustrated and tense with the situation. It's fine. You're reacting the right way so don't ever judge yourself.

You made a strong realization. I mentioned in a previous post that you'll be seeing the world differently now and for the rest of your life as long as you are gone from video games. Don't just take the next year to work on you. Take the rest of your life to work on you. You deserve it and you're a fucking champion. Nobody gets in your way and nobody else matters until you're ready for that. You got this.

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On 11/5/2019 at 3:55 PM, Sashiku said:

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately the friends I speak of have been my friends both inside and outside of games for years and years. One I met before I started gaming 15 years ago. Now that I am not gaming though, those close friendships are being tested and some even disappearing. That is the main reason I am upset. People in the games themselves I don't care too much about, its just my really close knit relationships that I am sad about because they are sadly not doing well now.

I can kind of sort of relate to this. I had quite a few close friendships while I was gaming that of course didn't survive me quitting games, or even switching games. including a few in real life. When I started my *for real* quitting journey about 1.25 years ago, I literally had zero social life. No friends at all to speak of. I have since met many amazing people, a few of which I count as close friends. I know it sucks to move on from what I'm sure was a great friendship at some point, but you'll develop amazing friendships with other people going forward!

The main way I developed those friendships was through Meetup. It's an excellent tool to bring together people with common interests.

I can also totally relate to the self loathing. I hated myself for a very long time and had fantasies of dying or getting seriously hurt frequently. I am now in a very good place and I'm confident you'll get there too. You've already taken the first and hardest step. Now it's a matter of building the momentum in the right direction! 🙂 Keep at it, you'll get there!

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is a lot of information and it shows how much you're dealing with at the moment. It's a lot of pressure to restructure your life, beliefs, friend circle, hobbies, etc. I was in your same position last year around this time probably around page 8 or 9 of my journal. I was filled with conflicting emotions of hatred, anger, deception, wanting better friends, wanting better hobbies, regret, feeling alone from my family, disappointed in people around me and disappointed with myself. It's chaotic to feel this way.

My advice to you is allow yourself to blow off steam and then accept yourself and focus on your future.

You are doing the right thing removing these friends from your life. I lost all of my friends from professional gaming and all of my friends from my discord communities. They all abandoned me after I quit gaming. I view them as vegetable people in a coma who can't understand anything I am saying. It's not worth spending any time whatsoever trying to be friends with them. You were a friend of theirs in their suffering and escapism (playing games) and now that you're gone from their world you're gone entirely. They're not real friends. It sounds like you were just their sounding board so they didn't feel alone and didn't care about what you had to say to them about yourself.

You're going to meet friends along the way on your new journey. It's just going to take some time. Every few days or even a few hours during this rough patch of game recovery you're going to flare up with emotions such as sadness or loneliness. The human body reacts to these emotions with anger sometimes. Remember to allow yourself to blow off steam. One of my favorite ways to deal with these emotions is listening to songs like "Give 'Em Hell, Kid" by My Chemical Romance in the car and just scream the words. It could be any song. Headbang, smash your seats, go nuts and let yourself lose the pent up frustration. You might not even be angry, but just frustrated and tense with the situation. It's fine. You're reacting the right way so don't ever judge yourself.

You made a strong realization. I mentioned in a previous post that you'll be seeing the world differently now and for the rest of your life as long as you are gone from video games. Don't just take the next year to work on you. Take the rest of your life to work on you. You deserve it and you're a fucking champion. Nobody gets in your way and nobody else matters until you're ready for that. You got this.

Thanks so much for the support. I guess this is normal when your life changes this much. It sounds like you went through something quite similar as I am now. I'm glad you got through it. Yea, I do feel frustrated and even angry sometimes, I will start finding ways to let that energy out when it comes along so it doesn't build up. One way I let my emotions out is through art. I haven't ever really drawn angry art before, I am going to give that a try. I mostly only draw sad art because anger is quickly fleeting when I do experience it.

Yea, I will take the rest of my life to work on me, There are so many things I want to change. Hahaha, I never thought of myself as a champion before. Thanks so much for the support. This community has been so positive, I am just so thankful.

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20 hours ago, seriousjay said:

I can kind of sort of relate to this. I had quite a few close friendships while I was gaming that of course didn't survive me quitting games, or even switching games. including a few in real life. When I started my *for real* quitting journey about 1.25 years ago, I literally had zero social life. No friends at all to speak of. I have since met many amazing people, a few of which I count as close friends. I know it sucks to move on from what I'm sure was a great friendship at some point, but you'll develop amazing friendships with other people going forward!

The main way I developed those friendships was through Meetup. It's an excellent tool to bring together people with common interests.

I can also totally relate to the self loathing. I hated myself for a very long time and had fantasies of dying or getting seriously hurt frequently. I am now in a very good place and I'm confident you'll get there too. You've already taken the first and hardest step. Now it's a matter of building the momentum in the right direction! 🙂 Keep at it, you'll get there!

I see. yea, I don't have much social life at the moment either. I hope to join some groups around here but it's a small town so I dunno how many groups there are.

Self loathing is hard to deal with. I have come a long way but when I get really down, I tend to blame everything on myself and wish I didn't exist. Still much better than 2 years ago. Well, momentum's building, just slowly. 🙂 Thanks again for your support.

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17 minutes ago, Sashiku said:

I see. yea, I don't have much social life at the moment either. I hope to join some groups around here but it's a small town so I dunno how many groups there are.

Self loathing is hard to deal with. I have come a long way but when I get really down, I tend to blame everything on myself and wish I didn't exist. Still much better than 2 years ago. Well, momentum's building, just slowly. 🙂 Thanks again for your support.

Always remember two things: that you are a beautiful person just the way you are right now, no matter what's going on in your life, and that you are the only you that exists and that will ever exist. You have a great deal to offer to the world. You just have to find it within yourself and let it come out. 🙂

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I found out I quit on October 10th. I didn't want to keep track at first because I felt like doing that was just going to make it go slower. I think I am ok with knowing now that it has nearly been 2 months. (I thought it had already been that long. XD)

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31 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Always remember two things: that you are a beautiful person just the way you are right now, no matter what's going on in your life, and that you are the only you that exists and that will ever exist. You have a great deal to offer to the world. You just have to find it within yourself and let it come out. 🙂

Thank you so much. That is one of the kindest things anyone has ever told me. ^^

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I set my alarm for 6:30 today so I could get some things done. My dad called me at 9 last night and acted kind of funny, asking me what I was doing today and that he might call me tomorrow??? I dunno but if he just shows up again I'm going to be pissed, so, I decided to clean my apartment in overdrive this morning. So, I gotta go, no time. I just wanted to update letting you all know I'm stil on the wagon. It will be 2 months on the 11th!!!

Edited by Sashiku
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Today is rough. I am quite bored and my last art piece has been pretty well ignored. My sleeping is still all over the place and last night I was so hyper I couldn't sleep a wink. I dunno what to do with myself right now. Its 10pm and I have only been awake a few hours. =_=;; I did download Miku Miku dance last month but Its a lot of hard work to make anything so I'm averaging about 2-3 hours a week on it which is barely anything. *its a program where you basically manipulate 3D models to make them dance or walk or whatever. I have had gaming pangs, but I push them asside immediately and my kneejerk response is to scream NO WAY in my head and push the thought asside. but MAN IM BORED. I don't know of anything to do this time of night. Maybe I will just go clean something.

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