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Journey to my white coat


Deku
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Days until SF Biofreeze: 285

Stayed up until 1 cramming for Mol Bio (I would have been done earlier but I went to bible study for 2 hours as well), and I think it may have been just enough to get me through the exam this morning with an acceptable mark (knock on wood). There weren't any questions that I had no idea how to answer, and I feel pretty good about most of my responses. This was the big exam I was really worried about, so I consider myself halfway through midterm season at this point.

Stem Cell Journal Club's midterm tomorrow morning is next up to bat. Time to put that sucker away.

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Nice man! Looks like you've got this in the bag.

Not to be a downer, but be particularly careful in this period of time since you're going to be tired. Also, once you're done, you're going to have an urge to relax probably. Make sure it's not through games and the like.

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On 10/15/2018 at 11:08 PM, Deku said:

Frankly I'm less happy than disappointed because I know I could have done better.

-_-;; Dude, I was an overachiever in school/uni too, but 97.5% is pretty damn good. Although, good on you for having high standards for this stuff.

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 283

Finished the Biotech Industry presentation today (professor said we did a good job, that's always nice), so midterms are thankfully almost over. The moment I sat down after the presentation this massive wave of weariness washed over me and I literally almost am too tired to move right now, so I think I'm going to use tonight as an opportunity to hit the reset button before my two big do-ins next week.

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 279

Sheesh, haven't posted on here in a while. Here's a bit of what's been happening in my life:

--Got up at the literal crack of dawn to go to a health conference on Saturday. It was really fun, I learned a lot, and I got the chance to talk to several patients and understand their situations a little better. I think it was definitely worth the time investment I put in.

--Got up hella early on Sunday as well to start my research project. So far so good. If every step goes this smoothly we'll be done in no time.

--Had the stem cell lecture exam today, and despite the fact I'm coming down with a bit of a cold I think I did well enough on it. Dr. Abramson made it open notes, which made it A LOT easier than it probably should have been.

--Oh, and I did something extremely stupid today, which was ask Clarisse out even though I promised myself I wouldn't date girls for an entire year. The opportunity presented itself, and since my exams are about done I figured I could afford to take the risk to my mental health. Well, I'm glad I waited until my exams were over because it did not go well...at all. I guess I'm not very good with girls. Ah well. Better luck next time Deku.

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Oh and @karabas--don't have much planned for the end of midterms except just catching up on sleep and gym training. Haven't had a day off in a while so just looking forward to being able to chill in my bed with my anime. Also going to a halloween party that my bible study group is throwing, so have to figure out my costume for that. I was thinking about Korean Jesus...

Screen-Shot-2016-12-06-at-2.36.23-PM-3.p

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 278

Got midterms back in Mol Bio today. I'm frankly a bit miffed that I didn't get top score, but I'll take it. Thanking the heavens that I didn't crash and burn after the whole Rachael situation.

1569363864_205midterm.png.8bd037b1db284c76b7ec0d2f64aa4419.png

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 277

OMG--midterms are finally over, and I have no evaluations for at least the next couple of weeks. Thanks to everyone who offered support and encouragement during this tough part of my life.

I'm still a bit depressed about Clarisse but so many good things are happening in my life right now I don't think I should be too worried about it. My grades are good, I'm healthy, my research project is progressing, and Dr. Abramson asked me if I wanted to be her TA for one of her lab sections next semester, which would allow me to teach my very own students while having free tuition and a nice stipend every month. 

Life really is fine right now. I hope it continues to stay that way as I transition into the post-midterms era, and the start of my next story arc. See you all tomorrow.

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 274

Going to the Halloween party my bible group is throwing today. It’ll be the first party I’ve gone to in almost 5 years. I’m really not looking forward to it (my costume is...not very good and I’m probably going to run into Clarisse) but I’ve made up my mind to swallow the bitter pill because it’s probably better than curling up in bed with my anime. Here’s to hoping I at least don’t have a terrible time.

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The Bible study party was awesome, and so much fun! My lameass costume (milk and honey) somehow got the funniest costume award, the brownies I baked got cleaned off, and best of all I got to talk to a bunch of girls (and even swiped the number of this incredibly cute girl in the class). All in all a good showing and I'm glad that I made the decision to go instead of spending the night alone.

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14 hours ago, Deku said:

The Bible study party was awesome, and so much fun! My lameass costume (milk and honey) somehow got the funniest costume award, the brownies I baked got cleaned off, and best of all I got to talk to a bunch of girls (and even swiped the number of this incredibly cute girl in the class). All in all a good showing and I'm glad that I made the decision to go instead of spending the night alone.

Man that is so epic! I've never been to a halloween party. It always sounds like an absolute dream come true. Definitely the best way to spend a time off!

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 273

"Midterm" scores returned for Understanding the Biotech Industry. So far so good this semester in terms of grades. It's amazing how much stress I'm feeling even at this point though--between assignments, bible study, research, and picking up the slack in all the other areas I've let go by the wayside (fitness, volunteering, shadowing, etc), I feel like I'm barely able to keep my nostrils above water.
image.thumb.png.a2205ad3a0078e957ff38087dc26011a.png

I got this amazingly attractive girl's number last night, but for some reason, I haven't felt the urgency to text her or work on that situation. Not to toot my own horn, but last night was a game changer in that I've realized for the first time that my stock may not actually be that low, and that I might have a good bit more options that I previously thought. Winning a costume contest, showing off my beatboxing skills in my first ever battle on an open mic, and having girls come up and talk to me for a change...these are all things I never thought could ever happen to me, and yet last night they all happened. Maybe my problem with girls isn't that I'm ugly or short or awkward, but that I haven't gotten out enough or believed in my own ability to be attractive. Knowing all this now and considering how busy I am, I really don't feel a sense of urgency to find a girl for myself anymore. I'd rather just sit back and focus on improving myself/my medical school resume while expanding my girl options and letting things develop organically (like they did with Clarisse). 

@JustTom Halloween parties (well costume parties) in general are great--so much easier to make a good first impression. Do they celebrate Halloween where you live? (Dunno if it's just an American thing or if other countries do it as well).

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1 hour ago, Deku said:

@JustTom Halloween parties (well costume parties) in general are great--so much easier to make a good first impression. Do they celebrate Halloween where you live? (Dunno if it's just an American thing or if other countries do it as well).

Kids don't go trick or treating, but there's always a ton of Halloween parties in the city. Do people rent the costumes or make something themselves or is it just make-up? I'm fascinated by this concept. It's like a permission to be silly. We should have more of those.

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@JustTom A bit of all three really, but yes it is a great opportunity to be silly and awkward (and the more you are, the better). I'd highly recommend you check out some of the parties in the city if you get the chance ?

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 272

It was another good day for the gradebook, as I received full marks for my lab notebook in Stem Cell lab. Also had a pretty productive day in the library, catching up on a lot of the work that I fell behind on while studying for midterms.

I've discovered today that in the wake of the Halloween party I've become quite popular among the ladies of bible study, and there is no shortage of giggling and playful hitting that goes on whenever I run into one of them on campus. Of course, as my luck would have it this popularity doesn't seem to extend to the girl I'm actually interested in--I happened to run into the very cute girl in bible study as well today, and all I got was a quick wave before she turned her attention elsewhere.

I'm not too bothered by it (I guess I'm acclimated after all the trauma my heart has taken over the course of the last couple months), but damn, I wish that just once one of these stupid crushes could break in my favor. Maybe it's just the universe's way of telling me that it's not the right time yet, and that I've got to use my time right now to stay in my lane and keep my eyes on the prize. Or maybe it's just a sign that my game could really, really use some more work.

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As expected, the cute girl from bible study was definitely not interested in me whatsoever. I racked every neuron in my brain to figure out a creative scheme to talk to her, but from the first moment of class she planted herself next to the tall white guy in the class and was joined to him at the hip from then on. I was crushed. Halfheartedly, I resigned myself to yet another romantic failure and turned my attention to the instructor's teachings instead. Rather than trying to talk to cute bible girl during the breaktime, I sat next to Clarisse instead and made it clear that I was definitely okay with just being friends. And when class ended, I packed up and my stuff and started heading to the train station, ready to go home after a long day.

That's when one of the girls from the class (that I had gotten to know at the party) walked right up to me and asked "Um, Deku? If you aren't busy I was wondering if you'd like to get Boba with me sometime this week."

And that's when I knew everything was going to be just fine.

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Days until SF Biofreeze: 268

Midterms for Stem Cell Lecture and Journal Club returned today (see below). That makes A's in all 6 midterms, with the 96 in Mol Bio being my lowest score. Not bad, Deku. Not bad.

On Wednesday I went on a date with the lovely lass from bible study that asked me out (Hayde btw). Ngl, I'm not terribly crazy about her, but that's okay. I wasn't crazy about Clarisse at first either, but wound up catching major feels once I got to know her better. Maybe that'll be true for Hayle as well.

IMG_1357.JPG.aeb761e8aae0d107cb13ded9f9950d4b.JPG

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Haven't been diligent at all about writing on here recently, so I guess I'll try to pick that up moving forwards.

After the high from midterms came down, it's become a lot harder for me to stay focused on getting work done. There just isn't a lot to do anymore in terms of schoolwork, so it's really easy to rationalize going home early and watching anime for an entire afternoon. Because of that, I've stalled out in terms of productivity of late. The last few days have ended up just being: go to class -> go to lab -> go home and watch anime. I would like to hit the library again, but without too much homework on the docket I'm not sure what exactly I'd be doing there. Maybe I'll start up studying for my medical school exams, or catch up on my lab notebook entries. Heck, maybe I can even get some studying done for Bible study (we had a pop quiz on Monday and I got absolutely massacred, guess I need to read my notes after all).

I suppose recently I've just been...off. I seem to always be tired, never hungry, and never really in a mood to do anything at all. Maybe it's because after slaying all my midterms I've looked at my life again and...it just doesn't seem like I'm anywhere closer to where I want to be, even after putting in all that hard work. The list of stuff to do for medical schools is still impossibly long, and I've gotten remarkably little done this semester aside from studying. For the first time in my life I'm starting to think that maybe I can't get my white coat after all.

I don't know when or why I started feeling this way (guess that happens when you stop journaling regulary for a while). Maybe it's just the depression coming back, or some kind of temporary chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe I can only unlock beast mode when there's a clear objective for me to overcome, which hasn't been the case since midterms ended. Whatever the reason, I hope I can get back on track soon. I won't make it to medical school with my current mental state.

 

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I guess exams have a reward system: you study hard, you get a high score, you feel rewarded. And you probably are a reward-seeking person. But life doesn't have all these reward systems built every where. Most of the time you don't see an objective set by other people. 

I have the same problem here: when I don't see the progress that I am making, I feel less motivated. Even depressed. Although I know it's normal that I can't get anywhere within a few days, and by working a little every day consistently I will be able to achieve something; emotionally I just feel like I will be stuck here forever.

Wait -- I think you said something similar in my post when I started my journal here? I guess you know all the theories. These are temporary emotions, and they will pass. Good luck! And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

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23 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

?And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

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1 hour ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

That's true. People can get addicted to TV anyway. 

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It's a temporary thing. Just ride it out and don't relapse.

You probably need to get some rest - you've been going hard for a long time with these exams. 

You're in the Bay Area, no? Why not plan some nature excursion for the weekend or something? There are so many awesome natural parks a few hours' drive away and planning for them might engage your mind a bit.

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