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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Gym girl only. I don't think long distance is good.

Hard agree. Been there done that, long distance sucks. Trust me, you don't really know the person until you've met them in person. Some people have made it work, good for them. But I would argue that the majority of the time it's not a good idea. Long-distance friendship sure, keep it platonic until you can actually spend a significant amount of time with them in person.

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I failed my exam today that I studied for months and waited 2 months for the grade. A passing score would have seen me become a project manager and receive a substantial raise.  I'm disappointed.

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Today was ok. I woke up late, felt very out of it, didn't do what I wanted to do, and feel bad about it in general.  This will be a very long post and I hope I do not hurt anyone's feelings by wr

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1 hour ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Hard agree. Been there done that, long distance sucks. Trust me, you don't really know the person until you've met them in person. Some people have made it work, good for them. But I would argue that the majority of the time it's not a good idea. Long-distance friendship sure, keep it platonic until you can actually spend a significant amount of time with them in person.

Not to mention catfishing from all genders etc. Been suckered by someone when I was a gamer addict 15 years ago. It's dangerous. 

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I haven't watched porn in 2 weeks, but I gotta be honest I'm addicted to masturbation just as bad as I am addicted to porn. I can think back to the first time I masturbated. It was when I was 12. I couldn't sleep and I was just curious. Ever since then I'd come home from school and I couldn't wait to do it. There wasn't a single thing in the world that could make me feel better than masturbating. I'd watch tv for a few minutes and get triggered by anime characters on TV and attractive women and I'd sprint away. Afterwards I'd feel lethargy. I wouldn't want to do anything the rest of the night.

This was another reason I loved video games. I could just easily, mindlessly play games after masturbation. After I gamed I'd feel exhausted and needed a pick me up or an emotional boost. So I'd end every night with masturbation. By the time I was 14 I was doing it twice a day minimum. If you've been addicted to porn or masturbation or sex you know how exhausting it is. Humans weren't meant to orgasm that often. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. I don't even want to hear it. Fuck off.

I used to come home from school and design amazing structures and write stories. I never did it again. I'd do the bare minimum at school, game, masturbate, and repeat. I look back at myself and think of the amazing accomplishments I've made with becoming an engineer after being nearly homeless and coming from nothing. I've overcome a severe gaming addiction, I've built a social network, I live independently, and I personally think I'm the smartest person I've met in a natural way, not book smart. Just my capabilities.

I'm so tired of feeling sick from porn and masturbation. I used to masturbate so much as a teen that I'd feel sick and ask to stay home for days at a time. My body was in withdrawal from overstimulating my body and producing the chemicals that orgasms release, which mimic heroin addiction. I've just been repeating the same 1-3 week cycles of masturbating a ton, not doing it, recovering, starting again, repeat.

I'm fed up. Just because I quit gaming doesn't mean I'm perfect. I may never be perfect, but I'm far from my best self and it angers me. I masturbated 7 times in the past day and I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I was so mindless at work. It was embarrassing. I fucked up a video call in front of my boss and I just want to smash everything around me. I'm fucking burnt out. I'm pissed off. I feel like a fucking junkie. 

My best friend growing up was similar to me. We played legos, watched anime, did stupid shit for jokes, played games, and were inseparable. His parents abused him. When we were 14 he couldn't see me anymore because of a domestic abuse issue in his family. Once I was 16 I could talk to him again. By that point he became a drinker, smoked cigarettes and weed, did cocaine, hallucinogenics, etc. I lost him and a part of me died. I had never seen such a transformation in my life.

I tried for 10 years to help him. I'd sit there for hours on the phone trying to convince him to get clean, help give him advice, etc. I lost him in my mid 20s and it is a tragedy. It's interesting because he was so opposite of me. I was so serious, quiet, focused, intense, passionate, and filled with unbelievable scorn and hatred because of my upbringing. To me he was so happy, loud, flamboyant, different, artistic, and creative. I used to talk to him on the phone every night for a minimum of 1 hour from the age of 7 to the age of 14. I'll never forget his phone number.

I hate how I couldn't show him what he was doing to himself. I hate that I couldn't help. I tried so hard. Think of the advice I give on this website. I'd talk to him like that for hours each day. I know it's not my fault. The part that aggravates me is I've buried my memories of him in my addictions. I never tried making a best friend again until 24 and even he's gone and just does his own thing because he's a lone wolf now. My other best friend was the former roommate lost to gaming addiction.

I don't have a best friend anymore. I have some random friends that are just there. They don't give me the same level of effort that my old best friends did. Maybe I'm expecting too much because nobody ever talks to their friend all day anymore. Maybe I'm the confused one.

The point I make is I remember convincing my friends how different they acted under the influence of their addictions. They were just completely different people and I couldn't get them to see it. The problem is they saw it every day. Addicts aren't stupid. Read any of our journals and you can see the pain in everyone's words because they know they're not their true selves and are drowning in shame and regret about failed potentials. We're not dumb, they're not dumb, you're not dumb, and I'm not dumb. 

I'm so tired of feeling good about myself and then giving in to addiction. I hate that jubilant smile I get. Just hiding from my pains. Only to sit there like a fucking idiot regretting what I did. I don't want to hear people say I'm being too hard on myself either. I'm being blunt, not cruel. It's been 16 years of this masturbation bull shit and it has limited me from meeting women, making friends, pursuing hobbies, chasing dreams, and following through. I don't deal with stress properly and it shows. I'm alone, I'm struggling to do hobbies, I barely get through the day at work even though i do a good job, I don't do chores, I don't sleep consistently, I just keep doing it.

What's it going to take? I'm gonna die one day and it just fucking sickens me that I sit there like such an asshole every fucking night, some mornings, and most afternoons just drowning myself in pity, poor attitude, and addictive behavior.

On one hand I'm so proud of myself for getting this far. It's bittersweet because I constantly think of the friends I've lost and seen their lives ruined. I also think of myself not reaching my potential. The issue is I need to taper those thoughts as well. This is where I think I'm too hard on myself. I berate myself for not completing my goals. The issue is I'm attacking myself for the wrong reason. I'm beating myself up for not accomplishing my goals, but celebrating myself when I masturbate. It's the wrong attitude and it's sending me the wrong signals.

I should be celebrating myself for working on hobbies and safe stress relief methods and berating myself for continuing bad habits.

I'm 2 weeks free of porn and I'm gonna stop the masturbation for a while. If I don't then I'm just going to struggle with intimacy issues with women. After sexual abuse from women I see that as another reason for taking safety in porn because women can't hurt me when I'm alone. 

I'm going to apply the mindfulness approach. When I have a craving I'll break the situation down logically and just change my environment. I've been doing better with sleep the past few weeks, but not eating. I can do this. It's been a tough few years, but every year is tough. 

I believe in myself because I have hopes of enjoying life. 

 

 

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@BooksandTrees 
Very heart-felt post man. I can feel your pain and frustration. As you know I also struggle with my own faults, but I still want to help you with a humblest of advice. Everything you feel is legitimate, it's real, it has its history and it's nuances only you yourself really know about. On the other hand your feelings are auto-destructive, they will not help you. It doesn't mean you can just shut them off and go with your marry life, but you still need to recognize that this thought-pattern happened at least 100 times in your life already and it didn't bring with it any long lasting cure.  The wise people say that to one who has self-composure his mind is his greatest asset, and to one who is disturbed it is his worst enemy. In almost any life situation, reality of the problem in the present is never so bad as it is when we "connect the dots" and remember 1000 instances of similar situations, and then further project those instances onto the future, thus our anguish is maximized. When we go from "this is how it is/this is what I am doing", to "it's always like this/why am I always like that".

I couldn't get out of this unhealthy loop for years, until one day I was advised to just observe those self-destructive thoughts and not give them fuel, also to not identify with them. To just notice when negative thoughts occur, accept that it happened, and wait it out, as one would patiently wait for his toddler to slowly walk across the room. Our thoughts come on their own, out of our memory, out of our habitually strengthened neurological branches, and then they go away and new ones come. If we went through some trauma, our amygdala (center for fear) is also enlarged, its more sensitive so maybe more negative thoughts naturally come. 

Furthermore, as it can be clearly seen from your last post - emotions universalize. When we are angry about something specific, and give it attention, everything else begins to be just slightly more irritating than it usually is, and it can trigger a cascade where we end up burning in anger as if hell awoke in our souls. And then if you get angry towards yourself, nothing good can come out of it, because anger is an emotion that wants to push, destroy, harm and distance itself from the object it is angry towards, and this can only end in self-harm or suicide.

I'll end my post with a link to a song by Devin Townsend. You likely know about the man if you listen Deftones, but even so - his song Secret Sciences really spoke to me 2 years ago when i was still in rather deep depression and self-destructive loop. Hope you like it. "Let it go, any way, let it be a part of yesterday, let it go, anyway, it was all a lot of nothing"

With love and compassion,
gargamel

P.S. Congratulations on your 2 weeks of being away from porn. It took me around 2 weeks of no porn to start regulating my masturbation as well. I also usually masturbated at least one time a day, but some days it would be 3-4, sometimes even 7 times like you. And now, I am in my 14th day of nofap (I will mastrubate tomorrow, but after it I'll again make a vow not to masturbate at least a week or maybe longer). It's by faaar the longest time I went without masturbating ever since I began when I was around 13-14 years old. 

Edited by gargamel
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7 hours ago, gargamel said:

@BooksandTrees 
Very heart-felt post man. I can feel your pain and frustration. As you know I also struggle with my own faults, but I still want to help you with a humblest of advice. Everything you feel is legitimate, it's real, it has its history and it's nuances only you yourself really know about. On the other hand your feelings are auto-destructive, they will not help you. It doesn't mean you can just shut them off and go with your marry life, but you still need to recognize that this thought-pattern happened at least 100 times in your life already and it didn't bring with it any long lasting cure.  The wise people say that to one who has self-composure his mind is his greatest asset, and to one who is disturbed it is his worst enemy. In almost any life situation, reality of the problem in the present is never so bad as it is when we "connect the dots" and remember 1000 instances of similar situations, and then further project those instances onto the future, thus our anguish is maximized. When we go from "this is how it is/this is what I am doing", to "it's always like this/why am I always like that".

I couldn't get out of this unhealthy loop for years, until one day I was advised to just observe those self-destructive thoughts and not give them fuel, also to not identify with them. To just notice when negative thoughts occur, accept that it happened, and wait it out, as one would patiently wait for his toddler to slowly walk across the room. Our thoughts come on their own, out of our memory, out of our habitually strengthened neurological branches, and then they go away and new ones come. If we went through some trauma, our amygdala (center for fear) is also enlarged, its more sensitive so maybe more negative thoughts naturally come. 

Furthermore, as it can be clearly seen from your last post - emotions universalize. When we are angry about something specific, and give it attention, everything else begins to be just slightly more irritating than it usually is, and it can trigger a cascade where we end up burning in anger as if hell awoke in our souls. And then if you get angry towards yourself, nothing good can come out of it, because anger is an emotion that wants to push, destroy, harm and distance itself from the object it is angry towards, and this can only end in self-harm or suicide.

I'll end my post with a link to a song by Devin Townsend. You likely know about the man if you listen Deftones, but even so - his song Secret Sciences really spoke to me 2 years ago when i was still in rather deep depression and self-destructive loop. Hope you like it. "Let it go, any way, let it be a part of yesterday, let it go, anyway, it was all a lot of nothing"

With love and compassion,
gargamel

P.S. Congratulations on your 2 weeks of being away from porn. It took me around 2 weeks of no porn to start regulating my masturbation as well. I also usually masturbated at least one time a day, but some days it would be 3-4, sometimes even 7 times like you. And now, I am in my 14th day of nofap (I will mastrubate tomorrow, but after it I'll again make a vow not to masturbate at least a week or maybe longer). It's by faaar the longest time I went without masturbating ever since I began when I was around 13-14 years old. 

Thanks for the detailed and deep response. I agree. This cycle just needs to end and I think I'm more likely to succeed with a smaller toolbox of potent healing and assessment strategies than the plethora of individual approaches to my many issues. 

I'd also like to focus on having a more positive energy. I think this will come from cleaner eating, hydration, continued sleep, exercise, and meditation. 

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17 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Hard agree. Been there done that, long distance sucks. Trust me, you don't really know the person until you've met them in person. Some people have made it work, good for them. But I would argue that the majority of the time it's not a good idea. Long-distance friendship sure, keep it platonic until you can actually spend a significant amount of time with them in person.

I've done distance before a couple times. It was no fun. I'm not too inclined to try it again either.

35 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

'd also like to focus on having a more positive energy. I think this will come from cleaner eating, hydration, continued sleep, exercise, and meditation. 

Great list of things to do. I think they will all help a lot. I've recently gotten my meditation back up to 30 minutes a day. Thank you for encouraging me to meditate. Also I'm sleeping less too. 

I see you're going through a big struggle with porn and masturbation. 7 times in a day is quite a bit. That's a big deal that you've been off porn for two weeks though so pat yourself on the back for that. I know you said not to tell you to stop beating yourself up. But, I invite you to see how I go about quitting things nowadays and maybe take some small inspiration from it. When I'm messing up and doing the thing that I'm trying to stop. Be it junk food or tv or thinking something negative. I just let myself be. I don't get mad at myself I just sort of let the experience be and continue trying to stop. That way I don't spend extra energy getting mad at myself. I just keep trying to stop with my energy. I dunno if that's helpful at all, but I do hope to see you continue with your journey to do less PMO. I think it's good that you're stopping and journaling about it.

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I'm so happy this week is over. Oh man. I'm really stressed out and exhausted but I've made it 2 days without masturbation which is big.

I have a feeling tonight might be tough. I don't feel well for some reason and I'm very afraid of nausea. I haven't set up my and it's so hot upstairs in my room and like 15 degrees colder downstairs. I just want to sleep and feel better. 

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Today I'm 87 weeks free from gaming, 89 weeks free from social media, and 2 weeks free from porn. The past week was difficult with over masturbation, but it's in part because I found out how to take my time masturbating and not rush it. I totally lost interest in porn actually because this felt better. I combined meditative techniques with it and it was extremely relaxing for me. Being that this week was so stressful paired with lack of sleep and inability to relax, I found myself seeking out this experience often.

Unfortunately it was so potent that it made me feel delirious on Thursday and I just felt sick all day. I started feeling better yesterday, but it didn't matter by then. I think the strategy is to just recognize when I'm exhausted and just problem solve from there. My apartment is hot, I finally got my air conditioners delivered. Now I can install them and keep my place cooler.

I got overwhelmed because there was still so much to get done around here and little things kept popping up. I'm so high strung right now because of work, moving, etc, that I can't deal with little things and no organization. I tried scheduling a hobby group with my friends and they keep trying to change the date and time on me and it's just pissing me off. 

I'm going to spend today taking care of things around my home to clean it up more, unpack totally, keep it cooler, and make it more functional. Then I should be all set with the apartment aside from curtain rods. I then need to finalize some finance things with my old place like closing out the final bills and I should be all set.

Then tomorrow I want to start working on my hobbies, meditation, exercising, and relaxing. This is manageable and I can do it.

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Today I did everything. I did my laundry, set up 2 air conditioners, broke down and recycled both boxes, took out the trash, did the dishes, folded the laundry, meal prepped, cleaned my water container and changed the filter unpacked my remaining boxes, put all 15 of my boxes into storage, paid all of my bills, hosted a hobby meeting with my 2 friends for 2 hours, and then had a 4 hour phone conversation with that girl. 

I'm exhausted. I almost masturbated twice, but resisted. So I'm 3 days without masturbation. 

I'm grateful for my friends, this girl, air conditioning, and myself for staying strong and true to my word about getting things done. Now I can relax tomorrow. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

That's a long phone conversation. Nice. Have you seen her in person yet? Also air conditioning is clutch. That stuff is so necessary in the summer where I'm at. I don't like going outside even. Good job not masturbating.

Not in person yet. I don't know when I'll feel comfortable doing that yet. I'm still having issues because porn makes me want to find a woman with the perfect body and I'm trying to escape that fake world. The producers of those videos play with the minds and fantasies of men and women trying to create these exaggerated people who don't exist and I'm trying to escape that. 

I just don't want my distorted image of attraction to ruin something I'm enjoying. Also the virus. 

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I have relaxed a lot today. I have been having multiple cravings to watch porn today just out of boredom. I don't really want to work hard today. It's very humid in my apartment. Although I got 2 airconditioners with wheels on the bottom, it's been a little frustrating to set one of them up to be movable between two rooms. It's tough because my computer room has no air conditioning now and it's fucking hot. it's terrible.

I think it would be best to make a rig to fit both windows easily and just move forward. I might do that now because I don't see myself wanting to 3d model or write under these circumstances.

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Today was nice. I watched cartoons, talked on the phone with 3 friends, meal prepped, and just enjoyed myself in a porn free environment. My cravings only lasted 1 hour. I also practiced some animation. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, and myself for allowing myself to relax and not beating myself up for not being productive!!

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Sounds like you're taking things at a pace that is healthy for you considering where you're at with porn recovery. I'm happy for you. I think it's understandable you're not being productive while you deal with the AC issues. It's like a disability being really hot. Good for you not beating yourself up over it.

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Today was good. I didn't have to work all day. I also got a haircut and got about 4 inches of hair removed. It was way too long. I also shaved. I feel like a man again instead of some weird boy even though I'm almost 30. My tooth hurt a bit tonight. I get concerned about it because I don't like the idea of an implant being in my mouth. I definitely won't get another one. It grosses me out and I have to really work hard at taking my mind off of it. I'm worried I'll fixate on it one day. I have to remain strong mentally to avoid it. I don't know why it bothers me.

I wanted to do hobbies tonight but I didn't. I'm still tired. I wish I could get to the point where hobbies don't feel like work, but I think it's because of my mindset. I don't really like doing things just because I feel like doing them. I'm so goal oriented. I've done this my whole life. That's why I never got into hiking or walking. It's boring. People just like doing it. I'd want to hike to the top of the mountain because it was a quest and an adventure to solve a mystery or goal. I'd never want to climb it to see the peak. That's boring to me, but exciting to others. I think I'm just different. Some people just like to draw. I would want to draw a graphic novel and write the story etc. I just can't stop at small things.

Some people want to just animate a random rig for fun or make a little robot. I'm making pokemon to put into a giant video to make fun of Ash from Pokemon. My current videos have a long term purpose. I am not sure how to evade those thoughts. I don't even like watching one off shows or something. I like them being part of something larger.

Life is confusing.

Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my family, my haircut, and myself for getting a haircut, talking to people important to me, and treating myself better.

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13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't even like watching one off shows or something. I like them being part of something larger.

Yeah I like finding a show with a lot of seasons too. It's more satisfying. I'm only able to do one off shows now because other people get me to watch them. 

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I'm burnt out. This vacation can't come soon enough for me. I haven't told many of my friends or family about my vacation. I don't want anyone bothering me or trying to take up my time. I say this because work takes up all of my time and it's unforgiving. I have a few trail walks planned with certain friends, but I'm keeping it secret otherwise. 

I really want this vacation to hone in on the life I need to live, not want to live. It's becoming evident that I need to wake up with intention and exercise. I think it's too early for me to do yoga because I don't view yoga in that way. I view yoga in a light of healing, mindfulness, and using it to gather my thoughts, body, and soul on the mat in paying intention towards myself after a long day. 

Exercise in the morning needs to be thoughtless, vivid, and define a path of energy and life for me to harness and utilize during the day. This might not be shared by others, but for me this makes sense. I have too much pent up frustration inside of me. I want to release my scorn like a volcano bombards its magma onto the world. But you know, in a healthy way.

I'll be writing 2-4 hours each day and 3d modeling 2-4 hours each day followed by 2 hours of exercise and 2-4 hours of relaxation. That's going to be tough, but it's what I want to try. I want to build my confidence with animation and writing and try to overcome the approach anxiety I face when beginning to work on tasks. I need to welcome these as outlets for my creativity like the arms of a mother embracing you and encouraging you to share with her.

Today I'm grateful for my therapist, my job, my apartment, my food I made, my friends, my family, the community here, and myself for somehow floating along.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm, you guessed it, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttt ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttt.

I barely made it through today and left early. I can't focus. I have nothing in me right now. I've worked 60+ hours per week since covid 19 started. All these people talking about free time on their hands. I'm extremely jealous of them. Work has become my life. I can't escape it. It's so miserable. I did not enjoy my life from April to now. This is terrible. I haven't even noticed COVID19 because all I do is wake up, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, eat, watch tv, sleep, and repeat. Every day for months. I'm tired. 

I can't even work on hobbies. It's utterly impossible for me to work on my cartoon or writing when I just feel so burnt out. I finished 5 projects in the past 2 weeks that I've had lingering and I got put on 2 new ones. I don't want to start them. I don't want to look at work. I'm just fucking tired. This is horrible.

I will say I figured out a system to get my air conditioner in my office so I can be cool in here during the summers. It's making me happier and I enjoy this room again. I think it will help me be more productive.

I went for a 1 hour walk today with my friend. It felt so good to get outside. I'm so tired from it. It was the first time I've exercised in almost 3 months. I doubt I walked more than 2 miles. I was lightheaded and just felt delirious out there. But it felt right at the same time. If you started exercising for the first time in months you might relate to this tiredness. Just having your body not used to it. I want to sleep but at the same time go out and run. I'm so happy I could do that. I'm gonna nap today and do it again tomorrow. 

I miss my strength. I can't wait until this fucking vacation. I'm going to just adhere to a life I love and stick to it. I might not write much on other people's posts for a bit. I just don't have the energy lately. I'm spent and have nothing.

Today I'm grateful for walking, my friends, air conditioning, food, water, my family, and myself. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm going to just adhere to a life I love and stick to it. I might not write much on other people's posts for a bit. I just don't have the energy lately. I'm spent and have nothing.

Always put on your oxygen mask first! Seems you've got a full life, I hope you find room for peace as well. In my experience net communities are happy to take people back when the time is right. I'm new to this space but I suspect Game Quitters will be around if you skip out on responding for awhile. Take care!

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I didn't know you were working so much. That sounds tiring. I only work like 8 hours a week right now because one of my clients is on vacation. I still don't feel like I have a ton of time on my hands which is mind blowing. Hope you feel better Books. Enjoy the trails.

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16 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I didn't know you were working so much. That sounds tiring. I only work like 8 hours a week right now because one of my clients is on vacation. I still don't feel like I have a ton of time on my hands which is mind blowing. Hope you feel better Books. Enjoy the trails.

Thanks. I just think I'm losing my grips. I hate everything. I'm going down a dark and hopeless path. 

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