Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

On 6/4/2024 at 1:47 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

I was about to post something similar, so you've won our race to call out such problems, at least! 🥲

For real though, aside from the predictability of my ideal experience (gaming or otherwise), I miss depending on things similar to positive friend and family relations, and sleep quality. I want to question anyone who might say that becoming an adult is about accepting things never being OK again. 

Your HALTED acronym has come to mind more and more - except for 'dehydrated', usually. I could rudely/offensively (yet honestly) demand of my environment such that everything could be made OK for me temporarily, but then it would simply and immediately be someone else's turn to do the same. I could be down for that, but most people seem a lot more 'stuck' than I am. I have very basic fears, but am able to push them to the side. It doesn't mean that I don't see the opportunity to call out those who create problems for me/us, it's just that I don't often see the best way to do that without being accused of harassment or something.

I guess the main thinking suggestion I have at the moment concerns how each of us wants life to feel - because today, we can think however we like, but it's the right gut feeling that we have to choose, in the end, isn't it? Should life feel like a dream with no real negative consequences, a constant battle to stave off unproductive thoughts or actions, or perhaps nothing but raw and uncensored self-expression? There are probably many more 'modes' of living - I think that those 3 might cover those in my immediately family, but if one could pat one's self on the back at the end of each day in a brief moment of alone time surely enough, wouldn't that be OK come whatever may?

Re: David Bowie's 'Under Pressure'!

I'm sorry I did not reply to this and I will try to find time eventually. I hope you're OK. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 6/22/2024 at 8:13 PM, Pochatok said:

ahhh i'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now! it is honestly mindblowing to be reading about THIS much stress, compared to your entries just a few months ago. And, it's equally amazing to be reading about your humbleness, dignity, and passion for providing love and care- you inspire me so much when it comes to being a compassionate, resilient person ❤️ 

hope that you will get hugs soon, and sleep! thinking of you 🙂

Thank you for your support and sorry I took so long to reply. I hope you're doing well. 

[BooksandTrees]

Life is up and down at the moment. Work is great but I'm dealing with one jerk there. But I think there are jerks everywhere so that is life and I just want to handle things in a good way. I only have to talk to him once a week. 

My baby is teething and going through sleep regression so it's been very difficult to sleep. He's doing well overall though. 

My doctor told me I need to lose weight again. I stress eat and don't exercise. So I'm gonna try to change that. It's just harder now with a baby. 

I'm starting to do more each day and worry less. So I'm happy about those developments. Therapy is going well also. 

[BooksandTrees]

I have had a rough start to the week. I had to report one of the project managers in my group for harassing coworkers. He made a few of my friends cry and had tried to belittle me as well.

It's tough because I have no fear doing that but I fear the repercussions. My mind gets anxious and I feel like they'll fire me. However, my group leader and region leader supported me and said I'm one of their best employees and they'd never gur me and that legally they can't anyways since I protected coworkers through human resources. 

I wish I could just logically accept that and feel safe but I can't yet until I get an absurd amount of confirmation that I'm safe. Why is that? Why do I always fear the worst? I'll be talking to my therapist about this for a while tomorrow. I love my company and all my other coworkers. I don't want to lose that. 

I wrote a bit for the first time in 6 months. I'm starting to come out of my depression a bit. I'm still exhausted beyond belief. 

[BooksandTrees]

Things are going better in general still. I would like to complain about a few things but I don't think this is the right spot to do it. I'll wait til my therapy appointment. 

I have been eating better this week and sleeping better. This has been really nice. I'm hoping I can keep up this trend and eventually write a little more again. I would also like to build some new legos I got. 

[Pochatok]

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I would like to complain about a few things but I don't think this is the right spot to do it.

haha, i actually turn to this site exactly when i feel lost and need to vent! hope that you'll still have things to complain about during the therapy appt :) 

[BooksandTrees]

12 hours ago, Pochatok said:

haha, i actually turn to this site exactly when i feel lost and need to vent! hope that you'll still have things to complain about during the therapy appt 🙂

It's frustrating because I want to complain here but in the off chance that it gets read by prope who have no idea I use this site just kills me lol. 

[BooksandTrees]

I feel better overall. I've connected so much with my son over the past few weeks. I have to say that I love him more than anything in this world. It's unreal how strong the bond is. I love him so much that it hurts and that I'd do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I've also never felt so loved and wanted by anyone before. He just leans over to me and raises his hands for me to hold him and I can feel his body melt into me for comfort. It just makes me so emotional. I'm so grateful. 

I took some time off from work and spent more time with family. I'm also succeeding more at work. It feels like work is my video game now and I want to be as elite and efficient as possible. It's an interesting perspective.

I have also lost 15 lbs in the past few months. I'm hoping to lose another 30 in the next year. I went to a dietician and learned a lot. I want to take better care of myself. 

I hope you're all doing well. 

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I feel better overall. I've connected so much with my son over the past few weeks. I have to say that I love him more than anything in this world. It's unreal how strong the bond is. I love him so much that it hurts and that I'd do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I've also never felt so loved and wanted by anyone before. He just leans over to me and raises his hands for me to hold him and I can feel his body melt into me for comfort. It just makes me so emotional. I'm so grateful. 

That sounds lovely! And he's already half a year old! I'm also curious about how it'll be for me when I have kids 😄

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I took some time off from work and spent more time with family. I'm also succeeding more at work. It feels like work is my video game now and I want to be as elite and efficient as possible. It's an interesting perspective.

I have also lost 15 lbs in the past few months. I'm hoping to lose another 30 in the next year. I went to a dietician and learned a lot. I want to take better care of myself. 

Good job on both! Regarding weight, there is a saying: "You cannot outpace a shitty diet." Weight control is best done through good diet and good eating habits. It's great you are tackling the problem of stress eating as well.

[BooksandTrees]

On 8/28/2024 at 1:57 AM, Ikar said:

That sounds lovely! And he's already half a year old! I'm also curious about how it'll be for me when I have kids 😄

Good job on both! Regarding weight, there is a saying: "You cannot outpace a shitty diet." Weight control is best done through good diet and good eating habits. It's great you are tackling the problem of stress eating as well.

Thank you. I've made a lot of progress and I feel better about this than when I was losing weight in 2020. I think I was losing it too fast back then and wasn't eating right. Now it's like a couple pounds a month and that's ok for me. 

[BooksandTrees]

Life is up and down but good overall. That guy at work is still causing havoc and managment won't fire him. But work overall is great bendy I'm leading multiple projects and those projects are going well. I'm getting great reviews from my colleagues and that has been nice. 

My son is sleeping a bit better. We altered his sleep schedule and it's working. I think my body and mind had to get used to the additional sleep and I think it's restoring other parts of my mind now. 

I've managed to write a bit and that's been nice. I'm also still on and off stressed with my family but that will never change. I'd like to include more stretching into my day. That's it for random thoughts lol. 

[Mohammad]

Hello BrooksandTrees, 

 

I don't know if you still remember me but I have been active two years ago and I came back here after getting into gaming issues again in 2024. 

I quickly recalled your name and it is quite impressing that you are still active after such a long period, and interestingly, you are not even talking about games!

I saw above that you spoke about your emotions with your son. How old is he now? I don't recall if you had a baby in 2021-2022. I also have a son who is now 6 years old and I can relate to your emotions. I wish I could get over this gaming shit so that I can finally connect with him on a deeper level 😞

Could you remind me what you do for work? I am also career-driven and I know if I can remove gaming from my life, I will be able to develop a compelling career for myself. It is just so hard to avoid gaming. 

 

 

 

 

[Pochatok]

On 9/8/2024 at 7:54 AM, BooksandTrees said:

My son is sleeping a bit better. We altered his sleep schedule and it's working. I think my body and mind had to get used to the additional sleep and I think it's restoring other parts of my mind now. 

so, so glad to hear this. hope you get more chances to enjoy the age of napping while it lasts lol

[BooksandTrees]

I'm so tired. Things are going well overall but I'm just dreaming of the day I get to sleep a full night again. I hear some parents are able to sleep through the night after only a couple of months and it's like a gut punch. They have no idea how lucky they are. 

Work, hobbies, life, and other stuff like that is good though. I just miss being well rested. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/9/2024 at 11:27 PM, Mohammad said:

Hello BrooksandTrees, 

 

I don't know if you still remember me but I have been active two years ago and I came back here after getting into gaming issues again in 2024. 

I quickly recalled your name and it is quite impressing that you are still active after such a long period, and interestingly, you are not even talking about games!

I saw above that you spoke about your emotions with your son. How old is he now? I don't recall if you had a baby in 2021-2022. I also have a son who is now 6 years old and I can relate to your emotions. I wish I could get over this gaming shit so that I can finally connect with him on a deeper level 😞

Could you remind me what you do for work? I am also career-driven and I know if I can remove gaming from my life, I will be able to develop a compelling career for myself. It is just so hard to avoid gaming. 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back. I do remember you. Sorry you've been struggling a bit. I think you were in Geotechnical engineering right? I'm in civil. He's only 7 months at the moment. I think connecting takes a lot of sacrifice to not do other things and just sit with them and talk and play. That's what I'm trying at least. 

[Mohammad]

On 9/21/2024 at 5:13 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Welcome back. I do remember you. Sorry you've been struggling a bit. I think you were in Geotechnical engineering right? I'm in civil. He's only 7 months at the moment. I think connecting takes a lot of sacrifice to not do other things and just sit with them and talk and play. That's what I'm trying at least. 

Wow, you have such an amazing memory. Right on, I am doing geotech and yeah I know remember you are a civil engineer. Yea, I am still struggling! right now, I don't play for two weeks and then one game and the next day two games etc. My work-life balance isn't too bad as my addiction isn't that bad but still, it affects my sleep and more importantly, motivation. 

 

Congrats on your baby boy 🙂

I am so happy for you

[BooksandTrees]

Things are getting better overall. I have stopped working with the guy who bothers me and it's been a huge relief. I'm going to avoid him forever now and I'm happy with that. Work is great otherwise and I'm learning a lot with my new promotion. 

I'm sort of getting more sleep on average. I'm still waiting eagerly for my son to be a little more independent. He's in a phase where he either wants to be held or when he's on his own, he rolls onto his stomach and can't roll back or crawl yet, so he cries. This happens within seconds of putting him down.  So he's either on one of us or on a chair with straps whenever he's not asleep or doing tummy time and learning to crawl. It's a lot at the moment. 

I find that my wife and I are doing better with stress but there's still time where we get frustrated with each other. But we're finding amicable ways to communicate our issues and come to good resolutions without arguing or fighting. I want a peaceful home. 

I'm losing weight still but I'm still kind of miserable in life. I wake up, take care of baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of my baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of baby for 4 hours, and then sleep. I'm not doing anything to recharge besides sleep. 

I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/24/2024 at 11:56 PM, Mohammad said:

Wow, you have such an amazing memory. Right on, I am doing geotech and yeah I know remember you are a civil engineer. Yea, I am still struggling! right now, I don't play for two weeks and then one game and the next day two games etc. My work-life balance isn't too bad as my addiction isn't that bad but still, it affects my sleep and more importantly, motivation. 

 

Congrats on your baby boy 🙂

I am so happy for you

Thank you. I just recommend understanding why you're attracted to games and maybe there's a way to stimulate that sensation with something at work or home? I needed to multitask a lot as part of my game addiction but now I just work on too many projects at once at work and it gives me that high I looked for with gaming. 

[Tzen1]

On 9/28/2024 at 9:15 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Things are getting better overall. I have stopped working with the guy who bothers me and it's been a huge relief. I'm going to avoid him forever now and I'm happy with that. Work is great otherwise and I'm learning a lot with my new promotion. 

I'm sort of getting more sleep on average. I'm still waiting eagerly for my son to be a little more independent. He's in a phase where he either wants to be held or when he's on his own, he rolls onto his stomach and can't roll back or crawl yet, so he cries. This happens within seconds of putting him down.  So he's either on one of us or on a chair with straps whenever he's not asleep or doing tummy time and learning to crawl. It's a lot at the moment. 

I find that my wife and I are doing better with stress but there's still time where we get frustrated with each other. But we're finding amicable ways to communicate our issues and come to good resolutions without arguing or fighting. I want a peaceful home. 

I'm losing weight still but I'm still kind of miserable in life. I wake up, take care of baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of my baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of baby for 4 hours, and then sleep. I'm not doing anything to recharge besides sleep. 

I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone. 

Hang in there dad your doing great! My oldest is three now and I have a second one who is 4 months old. I know the routine may feel monotonous but the time flys by. The hobbies will come back, communicating with the wife will improve, and some private time will make it's way back to you. The first year is hard and stressful but I learned not to wish the time away. Hold on to the small one as long as you can.

Some motivation as well for the weight loss that has helped me was thinking of my first born when he was a baby. I want to be able to get on a play ground and be able to keep up with him and go down slides and swing with him. Now that he is older I can do those things and it makes me happy to see that smile on his face. It makes it 100% worth it. I'm proud of you none of this is an easy journey. You got this dad! 

Take it easy and one day at a time, 

Tzen

P. S. One thing that also helps make sure you take a bunch of pictures and videos. Since my first was born I have never taken so many pictures in my life and I'm glad I did. I can look back and have those memories when I need them on stressful days. Your baby's smile can change a whole day even if it's on your phone. 

[Ikar]

On 9/28/2024 at 4:15 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Things are getting better overall. I have stopped working with the guy who bothers me and it's been a huge relief. I'm going to avoid him forever now and I'm happy with that. Work is great otherwise and I'm learning a lot with my new promotion. 

I'm sort of getting more sleep on average. I'm still waiting eagerly for my son to be a little more independent. He's in a phase where he either wants to be held or when he's on his own, he rolls onto his stomach and can't roll back or crawl yet, so he cries. This happens within seconds of putting him down.  So he's either on one of us or on a chair with straps whenever he's not asleep or doing tummy time and learning to crawl. It's a lot at the moment. 

I find that my wife and I are doing better with stress but there's still time where we get frustrated with each other. But we're finding amicable ways to communicate our issues and come to good resolutions without arguing or fighting. I want a peaceful home. 

I'm losing weight still but I'm still kind of miserable in life. I wake up, take care of baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of my baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of baby for 4 hours, and then sleep. I'm not doing anything to recharge besides sleep. 

I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone. 

I can relate to what you're saying about getting stressed and frustrated with your wife. I find (and I guess so does my girlfriend) that not all arguments are important, we just need to vent sometimes and that's OK. No need to take it too personally or seriously. I hope you'll be able to find some more time for yourself soon.

[D_Cozy]

On 9/28/2024 at 10:15 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone. 

I know how you feel, I've got 3 kids at home (4yo, 3yo, and 7mo) and they're an absolute handful. I remember it was hard to find time for ourselves... well who am I kidding, it still is haha. But me and my wife have slowly made it work.

What has helped us the most is getting all our kids to bed by 7pm. They may not necessarily fall asleep at that time, but they are in bed, either singing lullabies or reading a story to them. Even the 7mo now sleeps through the whole night; keep working at it, it's possible to get here! This gives my wife and I around 1~2h of time to do something together before we get ready for bed.

I wish I had better advice to give, but the truth is I'm still figuring it out too. I did go through a period of withdrawing into my tech and the internet a lot... and I'm currently working on removing my compulsive smartphone use.

Honestly though I am glad that there are dads here to talk with. I think this is a positive of communicating online in this forum, we know that we are not alone in both the journeys of parenthood and sobriety.

Edited September 30 by D_Cozy

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/29/2024 at 11:52 PM, Tzen1 said:

Hang in there dad your doing great! My oldest is three now and I have a second one who is 4 months old. I know the routine may feel monotonous but the time flys by. The hobbies will come back, communicating with the wife will improve, and some private time will make it's way back to you. The first year is hard and stressful but I learned not to wish the time away. Hold on to the small one as long as you can.

Some motivation as well for the weight loss that has helped me was thinking of my first born when he was a baby. I want to be able to get on a play ground and be able to keep up with him and go down slides and swing with him. Now that he is older I can do those things and it makes me happy to see that smile on his face. It makes it 100% worth it. I'm proud of you none of this is an easy journey. You got this dad! 

Take it easy and one day at a time, 

Tzen

P. S. One thing that also helps make sure you take a bunch of pictures and videos. Since my first was born I have never taken so many pictures in my life and I'm glad I did. I can look back and have those memories when I need them on stressful days. Your baby's smile can change a whole day even if it's on your phone. 

Thanks. Glad to see you're still around and checking in and i hope you're doing well. 

I think that makes sense. I take so many videos and pictures. I love him so much that it just devastates me if he's in pain or sad. I've never seen such love in someone's eyes. That's what makes me feel so terrible when I say I'm struggling sometimes. I love him so much that i don't want to wish any time away. But it's so hard sometimes to go through some of this. It's quite the balance. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/30/2024 at 3:23 PM, Ikar said:

I can relate to what you're saying about getting stressed and frustrated with your wife. I find (and I guess so does my girlfriend) that not all arguments are important, we just need to vent sometimes and that's OK. No need to take it too personally or seriously. I hope you'll be able to find some more time for yourself soon.

I think we just have so much less time to communicate as we did before that it's just all blurted out at once sometimes or just more aggressive. I'm gonna try to develop strategies with her to mitigate stress and communicate in portions rather than waiting ever. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/30/2024 at 3:24 PM, D_Cozy said:

I know how you feel, I've got 3 kids at home (4yo, 3yo, and 7mo) and they're an absolute handful. I remember it was hard to find time for ourselves... well who am I kidding, it still is haha. But me and my wife have slowly made it work.

What has helped us the most is getting all our kids to bed by 7pm. They may not necessarily fall asleep at that time, but they are in bed, either singing lullabies or reading a story to them. Even the 7mo now sleeps through the whole night; keep working at it, it's possible to get here! This gives my wife and I around 1~2h of time to do something together before we get ready for bed.

I wish I had better advice to give, but the truth is I'm still figuring it out too. I did go through a period of withdrawing into my tech and the internet a lot... and I'm currently working on removing my compulsive smartphone use.

Honestly though I am glad that there are dads here to talk with. I think this is a positive of communicating online in this forum, we know that we are not alone in both the journeys of parenthood and sobriety.

Thanks. I do the same thing with the 7 PM sleep time. Teething makes that very difficult right now though. 

I don't know when he'll sleep through the night. He's grown so much. He is already taller and heavier than kids a year older than him from our friends and family. Like he weighs and is as tall as my niece that is 14 months older. He wakes up every 2 to 3 hours starving and we feed him a huge bottle every time until he's full. He'll usually pull back and fall asleep lol. 

I have friends saying to feed him before bed and he might sleep lol. I keep laughing at them. No shit. I probably feed him 4 times between 7 PM and 7 am.

I'm glad your youngest is sleeping through the night. I can't imagine what it's like to sleep more than 3 hours in a row anymore. It's getting to be 8 months now lol. 

[D_Cozy]

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I do the same thing with the 7 PM sleep time. Teething makes that very difficult right now though. 

I don't know when he'll sleep through the night. He's grown so much. He is already taller and heavier than kids a year older than him from our friends and family. Like he weighs and is as tall as my niece that is 14 months older. He wakes up every 2 to 3 hours starving and we feed him a huge bottle every time until he's full. He'll usually pull back and fall asleep lol. 

I have friends saying to feed him before bed and he might sleep lol. I keep laughing at them. No shit. I probably feed him 4 times between 7 PM and 7 am.

I'm glad your youngest is sleeping through the night. I can't imagine what it's like to sleep more than 3 hours in a row anymore. It's getting to be 8 months now lol. 

Your son and my youngest are about a month close in age then, mine will be 8mo soon.

Yeah you are right, every kid is different, so my apologies if my post came off as unwanted advice. My oldest (who is now 4) slept through the night as well, as soon as he was 3mo. But now he doesn't, and usually wakes up around midnight to join us in our bed. My middle kid on the other hand, did not sleep through the night until he was 12mo. He sometimes wakes up to join us in our bed, but not always.

So honestly, it depends on the baby. They are human beings after all, with their own unique personalities and growth patterns themselves.