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Thanks.

 

I think I just had a difficult summer and didn't know how to cope with the workload I received.  I did not like it at all. Video games kind of gave me an injection of life before a dose of frustration.  I'm gonna try to stop solving all my problems right away and just be more patient.  I think it will help with anxiety.  I appreciate the kind words.  Not many people care that I am depressed so I appreciate it.  I am just trying to keep living and being strong and not beat myself up so much.

 

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4 minutes ago, Matt S said:

Thanks.

 

I think I just had a difficult summer and didn't know how to cope with the workload I received.  I did not like it at all. Video games kind of gave me an injection of life before a dose of frustration.  I'm gonna try to stop solving all my problems right away and just be more patient.  I think it will help with anxiety.  I appreciate the kind words.  Not many people care that I am depressed so I appreciate it.  I am just trying to keep living and being strong and not beat myself up so much.

 

That's relieving to hear. Find a way to get some pressure off of your cooker ? you'll burst if you don't man. It's you who showed me that I needed to chill out a bit and be a bit more kind to myself ? I'm here man. You got this, friend.

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I appreciate it.  I'm so exhausted from thinking about it and everything else that I just want to be at peace a bit and do my daily things without having to compete with others and stuff.  I can do great things, but right now it's not realistic to do so many great things without having the capacity to do them.

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I feel a little better today.  I just focused on work and talking to family and friends.  I realized that I just was so overworked this summer on top of being burnt out from graduate school and life itself.  The issue is that I wanted to live and enjoy life a little more, while neglecting the need for restorative activities and behaviors.  Instead, I was aggressively trying to push a new life and hobbies onto myself.

The new approach I'm going to talk to my therapist about is just having peace of mind and being restorative and mindful of what my emotions and feelings desire.  I think through this I'll find more balance.  I feel like I'd go on a binge of anything that I enjoyed because I felt empty and sad.  I'd binge eat food (gained 20 lbs this summer), video games (go on 16 hour benders), television (watched 100 episodes of a 1 hour show in 3 weeks), and complain the rest of the time.  It's hard to pursue balance and activities sometimes.  I say I have no time, but I'd be doing all of these things.  It turns out I was sacrificing sleep and nutrition to do these things.  On top of all of this I was just beating myself up for being unhappy and a failure.  

I'm trying to be proud of myself.  Something I'm proud of is not turning out to be a failure.  I have a very rewarding and challenging job that barely anyone else could ever dream of doing.  

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Today was a great day for learning.  I realized that I'm being a little too ambitious with this cartoon I wanted to make.  That takes dozens of people and several months to produce.  Those people went to college full time and got degrees.  I am alone and did none of that.  I can't be that unrealistic.  

 

I decided to start my second option of creating a podcast about hockey and the NHL.  I really enjoy hockey and study it all day long.  I love to talk and think the two could gel together really well.  I look at today as a positive.  I've been trying to do things to make my life easier for myself.  I am not hitting snooze anymore.  I set my alarm clock across the room.  I've been much less depressed because of it.  I'm also cooking all my meals again and doing yoga.  

I'm going to keep working on this podcast and see if I can get any viewers or donations and see how I can turn this into something good for myself.

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I ordered my equipment for the podcast and created all my social media profiles. I just need to trademark it and begin recording and producing the show!  I am so excited.  I come home excited now and am eager to get things rolling.  I also stayed strong this weekend and set alarms for myself to wake up at 8 Am instead of noon.  The weekend feels longer to me. I feel more refreshed and happier.  These are big steps for me as I just felt so unbalanced. 

 

I created a new gym routine as well and want to go 3 days per week.  I currently plan to go on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

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I got my equipment today.  I caught a cold, but I really can't wait to be putting work towards this podcast.  Work has been difficult for me, but I am trying to relax and be in a good place mentally.  I don't think I am, but I am trying.   My posts aren't as long as they were before, but I just feel exhausted mentally and spiritually. I'm trying to be less dramatic and just enjoy life a bit.

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I got my first episode of my podcast produced and onto youtube.  This is so special for me.  Over the past week I've worked hours each day just to get this posted and I enjoyed every second of it.  This is the hobby I've been searching for.  I kept searching for that special feeling after completing a project and never felt fulfilled or happy.  Last night after posting my episode I just felt like I was king of the world.  I told all my friends and they all listened.  I can't wait to produce more content.  I keep working on it and just really enjoy it.

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This was a great week for me with the success of my podcast, getting back to the gym, going to special yoga classes, getting chores done for myself, and going for walks outdoors. I'm starting to feel less pressure to do well outside of work because I have attainable goals now. The most difficult part of all these steps is just creating a proper structure for myself because i know how much effort it is going to take. 

I've also taken steps to see and make new friends through board games and yoga. Eventually I'll make some through my podcast and going to do more activities, but I'm happy with myself so far. 

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I did the 90 day detox and found that it's going to take longer to get this done than I thought. I have a podcast now and have been making a big effort to spend time with friends on weekends and slow down during the week. Unfortunately, I've been paying video games 2 or 3 days per week, but if I have other things to do first I do those. They don't really control my life anymore, which is nice. I'm also not binge watching tv anymore and set it up to do 3 shows per week, 1 episode at a time like we used to do years ago before the age of streaming and binge watching. 

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10/28/2018 - Coming to Grips

I have not been fair or honest to myself recently.  I made efforts to find new hobbies in life, but once I felt the success of these hobbies, I quickly felt better and thought it was fine to play video games again.  I started mixing video games and my hobbies together and finally started just playing video games until 4 AM again.  I'm trying hard not to destroy myself for being a failure in this regard.  But I have been playing games back and forth for the past 2 months now and it is just proof that if you start playing just a little bit you can spiral out of control and mess up your routines again.

I made good progress with my podcast, but the issue here is that I edit the podcast for the length of its recording time.  I would play runescape and do an AFK skill while editing my podcast to make the hours go by faster.  This got me back into making incredible exp gains and then just do that entirely.  I think solution to this problem might be to draw a picture for my cartoon I put aside or something else.  I also started playing and watching TV at the same time.  This just fuels my need to play the game passively.  This is bad because it makes me feel like I should be gaming at all times instead of just focusing on my one hobby or task.

I'll keep you guys updated my frequently.  I was a little ashamed of what I've been doing and just avoided the website entirely because I felt bad.

On a side note, does anyone use the discord to talk?

 

Matt

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Do you have a day-job besides all this? 

Trying to moderate almost always leads to a destructive spiral of addiction. Now that you've tried it, you can also feel it 😄 Keep posting regurarly, it's better than not to, even if you're gaming. When it comes to that though - what are you planning to do? 

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I work as an engineer 40-50 hours per week and my gaming habits never impact my work life.  I just feel like a wonderful person at work who is accomplishing great things, working with my great coworkers, and having the ability to be confident, talkative, happy, and social there.

It's just when I get home I kind of get depressed.  I feel lonely and that any hobby I try is daunting and terrible.  My life isn't terrible anymore, but I just find that I lack that drive to commit to being more social, meeting better friends who love life instead of just play video games and stuff.  I'm impacted by my atmosphere I think.

Edited by Matt S

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It is exactly the same for me, brother. 

The reason why you find other hobbies daunting and terrible is most likely because you're used to the level of gratification spikes that gaming gives you(surprise, surprise!). Cams talks about this all the time, it can easily be considered a withdrawal syndrome. From the cases I've seen, this can go away for some periods of time - such as when you started your podcast, you've been enjoying doing that. But if you are not determined enough to quit gaming(for at least the 90 days, a good start), the vision of the thrill of gaming will come back and will overpower any other activity. These hobbies might be giving you more long-term satisfaction, but in order to match the level of dopamine-fueled escapism that gaming provides, you'd probably have to shoot heroin, to be honest. I'm rambling again, but what I'm trying to say is that this is quite normal and I am convinced you will start enjoying other hobbies more the longer you go game-free.

The same thing applies to social life. I mean, it's not easy to get into if you're not frequently going out etc. It takes some barrier-busting, you need to get out of your comfort zone and get out there with people. For some, it's effortless, but I'm one of those, who have to actually work for it, too! If you keep gaming, you make it so much harder to bust that barrier because you can easily just login into the gaming world and instantly connect with anonymous people doing the same activity as you. There are no repercussions, no trying, no going out of your comfort zone. Within a few clicks, you can connect with somebody. The reason why it's so appealing is that it's so easy. And that is also the reason why we need to cut it out if we want to be more social and build actual relationships. K, enough rambling, hopefully, it makes sense. 

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Lol like many of the other members of this forum, we share the same issues it seems.  I'm glad we are not alone. I have no issues socializing once I'm in the middle of it all and in fact crave that rush of attention from people in the event.  I thrive as the center of attention.  For some reason this doesn't give me the confidence I need to actually continue doing it on another stage or level.  I don't get it.  

I had a weekend 2 weeks ago where I went hiking with friends, went out for food, went to a farmer's market, and then hung out with coworkers for a few hours after.  It was the best day of the year for me.  I really felt alive, wanted, and happy.  It's something that I never feel with gaming.  I just try to remember that time to give me motivation.

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20 hours ago, Matt S said:

once I'm in the middle of it all and in fact crave that rush of attention from people in the event.  I thrive as the center of attention.  For some reason this doesn't give me the confidence I need to actually continue doing it on another stage or level. 

And that's the thing! You love it once you're in it, but in order to get there, you need to put in some effort. It's the good old "the hardest part is starting". My strategy to get better at this is to setup a structure that makes it as easy and automatic as possible, and then push myself really really hard with determination and commitment. There isn't really an easy way around it. If there was, I would have found it by now 😄

Edited by JustTom
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We should surround ourselves with the dreams we envision.  I'm gonna attend comedy shows just to get a feel for the atmosphere and maybe it will warm me up to the idea of performing.  Do you attend smaller shows at small night clubs at all?

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Hey man, go for it! I used to perform regularly and it's a fun world to be in. Start with watching and checking some of them out and try to make a couple people laugh at an open mic night. Work your way up from there. It might be tough sometimes but getting a crowd roaring with laughter sometimes is worth it!

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Today's been better for me.  I'm starting to heal a bit.  I've noticed and mentioned previously how my mind was craving video games or stimulus during every day situations because I had been playing video games passive aggressively.  I'm starting to naturally tire out around 10 PM now instead of 2 or 4 AM.  This is much better for me obviously.  My thoughts are starting to come back and my fogginess is disappearing. I'm 2 days free of gaming.

For me, the fogginess and anxiety is always the toughest part of being a gamer.  My short term memory is trash and I'm constantly under anxiety.  I'm always worrying about something instead of relaxing and being confident in my abilities.  I feel my natural drive to pursue hobbies slowly returning.  I feel terrible because I started a podcast and I haven't produced one in a couple weeks.  I was so depressed and addicted to games during that stretch that I didn't even want to consider producing content.  I worry that I lost people, but it is ok.  I'm going to come back strong when I am ready.

For now,  I'm really looking forward to doing physical activities.  One of these mornings I'll go to the gym and do my routines.  Ideally, I'd like to wake up at 6 AM and work out for an hour, come home and shower, eat breakfast, work from 8 to 4:30, do yoga til 5:30 or 6, eat dinner, work on a hobby or relax/both, read for 30 mins to an hour and then sleep.

I will work on accomplishing this.  I'd do it cold turkey, but I just wanted to decelerate my sleep schedule instead of rapidly changing it.  I had been going to bed at 2 AM or 5 AM at times over the weekends.  I think it made more sense to shave 1-2 hours off each night.  Last night I fell asleep around 11:30 which is fine.  I really value sleep and think that 8 hours is important.

I've taken steps to spend more time with friends.  I have a group from work who is going to a hockey game with me next week.  I'm looking forward to that so much.  I really love spending time with them and hockey is my favorite thing in the world.  I also arranged a dinner with my friend and his fiance (also my friend before the met), and have yoga scheduled for Wednesday and Friday.  I'll be recording my podcast this Thursday and tomorrow night.  I also am going to try to attend my first meetup group this weekend for a morning hike somewhere.

A funny video I watched today was this YouTube poop of Paula Deen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBBchnDdJYY

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Thanks man.  I appreciate the support. I'm determined this time and think I have a lot to look forward to in the upcoming future. I always thought that first week was hardest. 

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On 10/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, Matt S said:

Lol like many of the other members of this forum, we share the same issues it seems.  I'm glad we are not alone. I have no issues socializing once I'm in the middle of it all and in fact crave that rush of attention from people in the event.  I thrive as the center of attention.  For some reason this doesn't give me the confidence I need to actually continue doing it on another stage or level.  I don't get it.  

I had a weekend 2 weeks ago where I went hiking with friends, went out for food, went to a farmer's market, and then hung out with coworkers for a few hours after.  It was the best day of the year for me.  I really felt alive, wanted, and happy.  It's something that I never feel with gaming.  I just try to remember that time to give me motivation.

Among my game friends there was this saying: "You should go out, spend time with your family, go hiking and shopping, and read, etc. Then you will find out that gaming is much more fun."

It's funny, because it's true! Gaming is fun and exciting. I suppose getting high is also a lot of fun, but I have never done drugs and I will always stay away from drugs. And for the same reason, I will stay away from games.

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It's an interesting quote.  I used to think the same thing, but when I began spending time with people in real life and acting like I did online, but in public, I really thrived.  As you can tell I was not one of the cancerous gamers, but more of a kind leader who worked hard in game.  Now I just do that in real life.

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