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MPieterse

90 days to move on in my life

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Day 81,

I've done a lot of work lately. Still more to do. It's stressful. Just trying to remember everything. I want to sleep. I already get plenty, but the feeling of constantly have weights on your shoulders is a lot. By some means it motivation to crank out more work. It just doesn't make things that fun anymore.

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On 3/12/2018 at 5:12 AM, MPieterse said:

Day 80,

It's my birthday. Not that it really changes anything. None of my old IRL friends are still here. I still have to work to do. 

Happy Birthday for yesterday! 80 days man, congratulations! :)

Sorry to hear about the stress atm, is there light at the end of the tunnel? 

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Day 82,

Almost overslept today, but today was fun. I'm in a group in my creative writing class and were doing a video. We just went through our lines. Was told that I would be an excellent singer in a Punk Rock band. Probably the coolest compliment I've gotten in my life. Rest of the day went by alright. I forgot to bring food, so I ate at the cafeteria again. Not really happy about that since I've been trying to save money. 

I've come to the realization that my own ambition is always going to make me discontent with my situation. I'm not the happiest person, and whatever challenges I achieve will only give rise to the next. Life will never really stop being stressful, and I will never be fully content with my situation whatever it may be.

@BuggThe quarters almost done, and I get closer to graduating, getting a better career, and moving out on my own. That's the dream at least.

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Ahh your writing class sounds cool, and yeah that is an awesome complement!

I know what you mean with ambition leading to discontent, I get this and it can be really demotivating for sure. But perhaps a shift in your thinking and language would help? Cam pulled me up for this in my journal too, and I've read countless articles in testament to this logic. So when you write things like 'is always going to make me discontent', 'I'm not the happiest person', 'life will never stop being stressful'  or 'I will never be content with my situation' you are affirming those beliefs. Instead try 'I didn't used to be the happiest person, but some days are better than others, and I'm gonna try and have more good days' or something like that at least. Or, 'my own ambition can sometimes make me discontent, but I need to work on this.' Really believe that change is possible, because if you don't believe that, you're less likley to work towards it. Yeah, life is always gonna get stressful, but that doesn't mean you can't work towards being able to better manage that stress. And you may feel discontent with your situation now, and worry that the future will be no different, but you have the ability to change that by changing how you think and react to situations. You never know, one day you might find yourself content, but if you believe that you won't then you're a lot less likley to get there. You can achieve your dreams if you believe in them. 

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Day, 83

It's the first day that I'm not super busy with work. I really should be doing it right now, but I'm not. I just don't really want to do. I'm gonna go sit back and watch a movie or something. Part of my brain is screaming to start on the work ahead that needs to be done. I know this next week is going worse with finals coming up.

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Day 84,

Fasted the whole day. I've been eating too much lately, so I decided it was time to fast again. I the first half of the day doing productive things, and I've already started revising my story for writing class. My math work is almost done as well, and my drawing for art class is almost done. It's funny, I got really hungry around 6 today and stared at pictures of food for half an hour. Not proud, it a complete time waste, but there you go. 

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Day 85,

I got called into work slightly early. Spent the first part of the day being somewhat productive. The bakery is being really shifted around since the head manager is leaving, and corporate wants to add new things to the menu. I have to work a bit more next week since one of my co-workers is taking the day off. It's a lot, but hopefully, I fuck around with the money I do get. I haven't spent that much at all lately, everything is going to savings, but I do deserve to treat myself at some point.  

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Day 86,

Worked another ten hour day. Still, have energy. Were going out tomarrow night to celebrate my days birthday, so I had to reschedule and have to work tomorrow morning. I'll survive. I have one more paycheck before I can actually spend something for myself. It's a reward I think I earned. 

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Day 87,

Worked the morning shift today, so I could get off later in the day. Our family went out for dinner afterward. I am dead tired. But I can't sleep for some stupid ass reason. I feel mentally strained, but my body just wants to exercise. That might be a good thing, at least I'm getting back in shape. 

So much has changed. I don't have time anymore. All I think about constantly is regret from the past, and hopes for the future. I go to bed each night terrified. Just trying to grow up in a matter of months, trying to step into a pair of adult shoes. The freedom of youth and innocence are gone, only remaining with a sense of resentment for all these mistakes I've made. It's over now. I can't change it. I'll let go of it. I can't brood over this. The sun will set. New days will come and go. 

Am I doing this to myself? Or is this just natural? There's no correct answer. Were all different. That's fine. Only compare yourself to where you were yesterday. Time has no meaning. One day we will all die. And the world will keep on turning. 

So much of my life was this will to be the best and achieve as much as I could. I put myself above everyone else. I was arrogant. And while part of that personality remains, I feel humbled. I'm just another soul among many, with hopes, dreams, aspirations, lusts, shame, and regrets. 

I don't know that much about Buhadism, but I do remember one of the core philosophies of it removing needs. It seems peaceful. There is a sense of freedom to it. Being free from worldly desires. To be free from all the traps of our age. Drugs, Food, TV, etc. To be truly free and in full control. 

TLDR: I just want to find a sense of peace.

 

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Day 89,

Really busy day. I overslept and forgot about the makeup test today. It's my own fault, I really need to just get a planner. The work piled up but I got it done. It's almost all done. Just a bit more.

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Day 90,

Detox is done. I'm too busy right now, and play games are something I really don't have time for anymore. While part of me misses it, I know for sure that I have to downright quit certain online competitive games. I also know that I can't have that distraction while I am in school. Part of me wants a healthy relationship with them, but for the moment it's a risk that I cannot take. 

I've got a lot going for me in my future. I'm older and smarter now, and while the present is bleak, the future holds a lot of potential for me. I'll keep going. One step at a time.   

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28 minutes ago, MPieterse said:

Day 90,

Detox is done. I'm too busy right now, and play games are something I really don't have time for anymore. While part of me misses it, I know for sure that I have to downright quit certain online competitive games. I also know that I can't have that distraction while I am in school. Part of me wants a healthy relationship with them, but for the moment it's a risk that I cannot take. 

I've got a lot going for me in my future. I'm older and smarter now, and while the present is bleak, the future holds a lot of potential for me. I'll keep going. One step at a time.   

Congrats! Would love for you to share your story here to inspire others.

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On 3/22/2018 at 2:39 AM, MPieterse said:

Day 90,

Detox is done. I'm too busy right now, and play games are something I really don't have time for anymore. While part of me misses it, I know for sure that I have to downright quit certain online competitive games. I also know that I can't have that distraction while I am in school. Part of me wants a healthy relationship with them, but for the moment it's a risk that I cannot take. 

I've got a lot going for me in my future. I'm older and smarter now, and while the present is bleak, the future holds a lot of potential for me. I'll keep going. One step at a time.   

This is exactly how I feel about games as well. But you have this very clear and honest way of saying it. Beautiful. CONGRATS for your 90 days!

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Just wanted to make a quick update on whats been going on the past couple weeks. I owe this community a lot and it means a lot to me for any of you who read this.

So I had two early finals, so the past week and this week have been fairly open to me. I've spent some of the time at home and I had a full day without anything planned. To get to the point I had urges to play games. I had been wondering over the past couple weeks if I could somehow play in moderation, and what I really wanted from video games in general. I didn't play those two days. I scheduled more work next week, but I still had three days off. Instead, I kept busy for the rest of the week until Easter. Part of me really wanted to play, and another part of me was overly cautious and didn't want too. So I decided to just finish all the things I needed to do first then see what happened. I already know I can control myself during the college quarter, so I wanted to see for myself if I could try playing during the day I had off. It was an experiment, here's what happened.

I played for a bit. It felt weird like I couldn't fully get into it. It gave me a headache after awhile. It felt repetitive, and but at the same time stimulating. When I was done, I uninstalled the game and removed steam. 

The urges are gone. The doubt I had in the back of mind is gone. For the first time I'm really excited to start my new life.

This isn't a relapse, it's a victory.  

I've won.

To any of you that are reading this, and you still have doubt and fear, its okay. It's perfectly normal to have urges and nostolgia about the past. Remember that your all stronger than you believe. You can do this, you've always been able to do this. 

Peace,

Misha Andre Johannes Pieterse

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19 hours ago, MPieterse said:

Just wanted to make a quick update on whats been going on the past couple weeks. I owe this community a lot and it means a lot to me for any of you who read this.

So I had two early finals, so the past week and this week have been fairly open to me. I've spent some of the time at home and I had a full day without anything planned. To get to the point I had urges to play games. I had been wondering over the past couple weeks if I could somehow play in moderation, and what I really wanted from video games in general. I didn't play those two days. I scheduled more work next week, but I still had three days off. Instead, I kept busy for the rest of the week until Easter. Part of me really wanted to play, and another part of me was overly cautious and didn't want too. So I decided to just finish all the things I needed to do first then see what happened. I already know I can control myself during the college quarter, so I wanted to see for myself if I could try playing during the day I had off. It was an experiment, here's what happened.

I played for a bit. It felt weird like I couldn't fully get into it. It gave me a headache after awhile. It felt repetitive, and but at the same time stimulating. When I was done, I uninstalled the game and removed steam. 

The urges are gone. The doubt I had in the back of mind is gone. For the first time I'm really excited to start my new life.

This isn't a relapse, it's a victory.  

I've won.

To any of you that are reading this, and you still have doubt and fear, its okay. It's perfectly normal to have urges and nostolgia about the past. Remember that your all stronger than you believe. You can do this, you've always been able to do this. 

Peace,

Misha Andre Johannes Pieterse

I smiled when I read this!  I'm glad you tested out moderation with games, and I'm surprised that you experienced a headache, that it felt repetitive, and there were no urges.  That's profound.  Good for you, you uninstalled Steam and the games.  That's another nail in the coffin with gaming.  Congratulations on your victory!

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