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MPieterse

90 days to move on in my life

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Day 58,

Worked 10.5 hours today. I'm tired. Had to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day.

It's funny walking through the aisle, free to choose whatever I want, but at the same time, I see all these unhealthy foods that will only give me momentary pleasure, before I feel like shit for eating them. I want to try to eat healthier, but at the same time, I don't want to spend my time cooking. Not because I can't, I've actually worked in a kitchen before, but there are other things I want to do.

I've also been stress eating a lot lately, I feel like I should be exercising more. I'll survive somehow.

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Day 59,

Surfed the web for an hour because I didn't really want to get up. Felt bad afterward, then proceded to work on homework, then draw, and do some meal prep, then work. 

Some of my co-workers think I'm some sort of party boy. It's kinda weird telling them that I'm pretty tame now and that I don't play video games or only smoke pot on occasion.

I feel like I'm being really hard on myself every day, but there's no way in hell I'm stopping.

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Day 60,

I had the first day off in weeks. Wanted to go see my friend in Santa Cruz, but he told me last minute that he was busy. I decided to go to Pinnacles National Park and go for a hike. I went through the caves, and then on top of the mountain. Ice started to fall down when I started climbing. I remember standing on the top surveying what I had just done. It was a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time, I felt jaded. So much of my life has been a blur, and I still feel like it is.

I just got back and I'm tired. 

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Hey there. You are doing a lot  right now. Working exercising studying. That is great but as you allready recognized can be dangerous. I am not saying stop moving but I merley suggest to go a little bit slower in the right direction. You wrote in the last 5 posts that you feel tired. Maybe it si time to search out some activities where you don't push yourself but instead jsut do them and try to enjoy yourself as much as possible. Meet with friends and family, phone, take walks for enjoyment. All these things have the double benefit of having positive impacts to your life (social, movement) without beeing goal focussed and requiring you to improve at them. I think it can be very tiring to be so hard on your self. The key is to do things that are good for yourself. this can but doesn't ahve to be hard work. I found the question "Is this good for me?" a great way to evalue things.

Is occasional gaming good for me?

I tried and realised it triggered a lot fo bad habbits and made me feel worse overall, without significant positive effects. so the answer is no.

Is junkfood good for me?

Again no

Is working a lot good for me?

It depends. do I work for higher goals and is the work in line with my priorities (family > health < progress in life). then yes.

You get the jist. The thing I think especially valuable at this question is the flexibility it provides. The answers will change for every person and every phase of life. And it still will aid you in your decisions. My personal experience is that if you are able to do mostly things which you deem good for you will feel content with your life. If not you feel like something is off. If this is the case right now you should take some time to revesit your activities and ask yourself this question. Is this good for me?

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Day 61,

I'm doing alright? I think so. I'm drunk. Really don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm a fucking weirdo for the first time is okay with my own insanity. I've been holding off this question for so fucking long. And I'm okay with it. Life is confusing. Maybe I can only talk about these things when I'm drunk. Life is weird. I'm glad that I quit playing video games. I went to the archery range today since my last class got canceled. Guess I'm dealing with my own shit now. Maybe I can only talk about these things when I'm drunk. Maybe I'm not afraid or weirded out by who I really am. In a few weeks, I'm gonna be 22. Soon I'm gonna be 30. I need to prepared. Am I freaking out about stuff? Absolutely. I have to be an adult now. Things are so weird.

That's last nights drunk post, forgot hit submit reply.

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On 2/20/2018 at 4:11 AM, MPieterse said:

 It was a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time, I felt jaded. So much of my life has been a blur, and I still feel like it is.

I am very familiar with this feeling. Maybe it’s just that we feel lonely. Being alone makes everything feel unreal. Atleast this is the answer that I gave to myself. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to be present to myself, if I can’t share my life with somebody I feel detatched from the outside world.

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Day 62,

Alive and stuff. Functional somehow. Something like that. I'm gonna be alright. I'm worried about small stuff. It's a good sign. Trying to make plans for the future.

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Day 63,

Went through my day as usual. I feel way more social and comfortable around other people. I'm doing fairly well in school. Seeing my friend this weekend. There's a girl who I like, and she probably feels the same way. I have some free time to do other hobbies. My life, while not perfect, is going pretty decently.

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Day 64,

Messed around for 3 hours this morning doing nothing productive, because I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm annoyed with myself. Joined NoFap, I want to be done wasting my time looking at porn. Did my work, went to work. Decided that I'm going to art school. It's been gnawing at me, what I want to do for the rest of life, and I know that if I don't go, and go for an easier, more lucrative career, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. The decision has been made. 

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Day 65,

I limited 50 minutes in the morning messing around browsing the internet. Decided that it's best that I slowly reduce the amount of time online, rather than just outright quit, it'll be easier. Spent the rest of my day drawing, and doing HW. Went to work, and we finished cleaning up early. 

Some kid wrote on her coloring book, this is for the people who work here. It made me smile, even though they made the table a mess. I thought it was adorable, and that's not a thought that has run through my head in a long time. 

That brief moment is refreshing after all the shit that I went through and going through. Waking up from three years of depression and addiction, to find myself a man with responsibilities, with no real skills, the feeling of wasting my life, with few people in his life, giving up something he loved as a kid, and trying his damn hardest to make something of himself. 

It's insane. I just realized what I've done. I quit doing something that used to bring me such happiness and joy as a child. Something that I devoted my life too. How I shed that inner child, to finally grow up. Of course, I'm nostalgic sometimes. My transition to becoming an adult happened in a few months, how could I not.   

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Day 67,

Total honesty I've caught myself looking at twitch the past two days. I feel nostalgic sometimes. A tie when life was simpler. I am terrified of all the uncertainty in life. 

The day went by alright. 

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@MPieterse 

11 hours ago, MPieterse said:

I am terrified of all the uncertainty in life. 

Yeah, same. In gaming life was so simple, but now, you need to to be aware that you don't watch streams, youtube gaming videos, and so on. 

Keep going on your detox!:11_blush::1310_thumbsup_tone1:

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Day 68,

I'm stressed out. I feel like there's a physical weight on my shoulders. I've told my therapist how I feel like my transition into maturity happened over a couple months. About my plans for the future. About how I need backup plans this time. How I need to be ready for the future. About how I feel the urge to break every bone in body constantly to make up for all the time I have lost. About how this is the only life I got, and I need to spend every ounce of my soul to chase the things that matter to me. How all the uncertainty terrifies me to the bone. 

She told me that the journey matters more than the destination and that I shouldn't beat myself up over the choices I've made. 

I'm listening to music and writing this to de-stress myself. I'm more relaxed right now. Just stuff I need to get out of my head.

I also find myself returning to old childhood self before I got sent around to a bunch of schools. I'm starting to get annoyed with customers where I work (I still do my job and put on a smile, I'm not gonna get fired for it), or the occasional bad driver. I know that they don't deserve it, and I don't deserve to get ticked over it. I find myself constantly reminding myself to calm down, and relax.     

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Day 69,

The anxiety isn't as bad. Not living ideally, but that's okay. I'm going to focus on small improvements at a time rather than overburden myself trying to do everything at once. While I feel like I still am making up for lost time, these things do take some time. I'm so worried about trying to climb the mountain and making it to the top that I'm forgetting to put my shoes on.

Confidence has transfused into my blood; anxiety has turned into the thrill of the fight. I'm ready for reality and all it has to offer. I'm ready to try, and if I fail, I'll try again. Things won't go to plan. I'll make mistakes. I'll be beaten up. I'll get up and I'll punch back.    

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Day 74,

Cleaned my room, worked on homework. Went on with the day as normal. Internet surfed for a bit, I want to cut down a bit.

I saw a r/getmotivated post where it said Always keep yourself busy. It's right I break down into internet surfing when I have free time and no activity planned.

Life is really tough, and to an extent, I realize that I have been looking at this the wrong way. I feel that I have to control every little aspect of everything and the stress is killing me. Small improvements gradually is the safest way of acting towards everything that goes on. The promise of uncertainty isn't a completely negative one. The journey doesn't have to be all about the destination. And that's fine.  

I've been looking back at all that's happened, and for a long time, it was filled with shame and self-hatred. It's starting to fade, and acceptance is moving into a sense of inner peace.

“If you’re still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today.” – Joyce Chapman

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Day 75,

I don't know how productive I am. Honestly I don't. I'm just trying to manage everything in my life right now, and I feel as if it's just constantly putting out fires.

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Day 77,

Writing this a bit late. I have to wake up early for next quarter so I need to start changing my sleep cycle. I got back from campus and just went straight to bed.

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Day 79,

Managing money, trying to do my daily activities. All these things go into trying to improve my situation and be a better person.

I'm not happy with my current situation. Doesn't mean I'm gonna give up and go back to where I was because that was my reaction to my situation. I still want to move around the world and see so much. I want a better job. I know all the things I'm doing are building to that, but it does make me tired more at the moment.

 

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