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NEW VIDEO: I Replaced Gaming With Real Life (Nicco Transformation)

90 days to move on in my life


MPieterse

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Day 38,

Busy day, worked in the morning, got back and did a bit of organization, art, homework, and laundry. Spent the rest of the day doing meal prep for the week. Had a shower beer for the first time. A bit disapointed at first, but once I got out of the shower the feeling was super nice. niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ate too much for dinner, and I feel like passing out right now. Ready for the next week. 

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Day 39,

Writing this early today again. I'm going to have a really busy weekend, and the week is a bit packed. Had a therapy session again this morning, and she gave her input and said that I have a sense of clarity about me and that I would be a great motivator or speaker. I don't have any real desire to do that, but I don't think I should just shrug off compliments. Nobody ever complimented me before, and I think it's fascinating the things other people might see about ourselves. The dialogue inside my head has always called me out, is super critical of everything I do. I have an obsessive personality which is why I binged on gaming instead of weed or booze. There was always that ambition, the flame blazing brighter than the sun inside, ready to do what needed to be done, but without a fucking clue what to do.

Speaking about what other people see in us, she also said that I don't really seek out people or community. I never had that as an I kid, but I know how I feel about it now. My work, my art, and everything I create now is my life. Happiness is internal, and the only damn approval I need in this world is my own. People will come and go, relationships will blossom and whither, but what's important to me is myself. As long as I strive to improve, and better myself I can do whatever I want in this life. Without regrets, without remorse, without fear, it will be my own story and mine alone. The only person that can fix you is yourself, and even though others can help, change is only birthed by desire. I am responsible for my life, and I will never chase short-term pleasure, that would only leave me with an endless abyss where my heart should be. I'm no longer the nerdy kid, the high school burnout, the gamer failing at life, for the first time I feel alive, awake, arising, into a man.

I just lost my train of thought about community, niche groups of people are always cool. But I have no desire to devote myself to an organization. Of course, I crave a sense of community and acceptance from our peers, we all do. But I am my own person, and I will always come first in my decisions, and I feel that we should all strive for that. Living for someone else is not really living at all. I'd get bored in a one-sided relationship, where I just take care of someone else, or someone else just took care of me. I don't ever want that in my life, and I hope I never will.

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It is great that you experience life more intensely after youw ent away from gaming. I experienced the same thing. It happens if oyu use it long enough to escape bad feelings and stay stuck in the dopamine loop. You get insensitive for real life and everything seems to suck. Getting in touch with your emotions let you see what you really want (or not want). And just that is almost enough to come to a better place in life.

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Day 40,

Most efficient day I've had in years, I didn't slack off at all. Can't claim it went perfectly, as I just had to spend an hour waiting at the bus stop. We started writing fiction today in class, and I've already got two pages done. My mind does wander a bit, and that's normal for me, but I wish I had better focus sometimes. I have been meditating every day, but sometimes I feel a little disappointed in myself as my mind does wander a lot when I do it. It helps calm me down, but I feel as though I lack focus in some of my routines. I feel like that's normal but I really only what life is like for me, so I can't really say.

@hycniejsy It's more that I want those things to be secondary in my life. I do crave for relationship and friendship. For relationships, I can't see myself with a partner who I have to completely care and provide for. They can't and won't be the main focus of my life. For friends, all I really crave is companionship, but I am not going to solve their problems. I'll tell them how I feel, and my advice if they ask for it. I will not base my life on around a community of people, as I do not want that to be the main focus of my life either. 

@WorkInProgress Thanks!   

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Day 41,

Normal day bit swamped with math class.

It's almost been half the detox, the time has been flying by lately. I don't really feel any urges about games, and the last time I felt the urge and looked at twitch was 2 weeks ago. I might have already said this in an earlier post but this is how I feel

I feel calmer and more in control of my life, I don't have as much anxiety anymore. I know what I really want to do with my life, and I am currently thinking about my plans to get there. I feel focused on my goals and dreams, and even though I have to grind for them, it's not really bad. I found some work, so I can save up some money for when I move out on my own. I've read several books, and I am going to read several more. Life seems slower in a sense, not that time doesn't fly, but that I am used to the normal dopamine usage in a clean day. I don't overeat as much anymore, and while I do find myself being eating out of stress sometimes, it's not a daily thing for me anymore. I feel a bit more social and open to people around me as well. I am on a fairly normal sleep schedule, and while I do want to go to bed a bit earlier, I'm not staying up for hours in the morning. Overall, the best change I've felt is a sense of clarity in my life that's always been missing.  

I still have many things I will improve about myself and my life. I will get a drivers license, and I will to meet new people, and make new friends. I will to improve my digital art and try out a few new things before on the specifications of what I want to do as a career. I want to be more productive, and efficient with my time. I will to move out and see the world, and go on a adventure. I will make more specific plans, and I will be a better conversationalist. I will be stronger and more physically fit. I will be more comfortable with going outside my comfort zone. 

 

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Day 42,

Long day, work to do. Gonna be really busy this weekend.

I don't really feel as if I have enough time in the day, to do what I really want to do. I don't hate the work that I have to do, but I want to start to work on a really long-term project, like a comic book or something. I also wish I was a better reader as I really want to read more books.

But I'm glad for the day I had, and I did enjoy it.

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Day 43,

Finally got my drivers license this morning, passed with flying colors. Was really worried that I would do terribly, and thought I might have failed at one point. It was a completely different route than the one I had taken. But in the end, I only made 3 mistakes (you need to make 15 or less, without any critical errors, the part that tripped me up last time). I felt incredible for the rest of the day. I should have gotten it years ago, but I kept procrastinating it, and then getting pissed when I failed it and gave up, only to try again a months later. Had to drive to campus to pick up my bike that I left the night before. Felt a fucking surge go through me as for the first time I could legally drive alone.

Came home, ate and did a mix of homework and art. Goofed around for a couple minutes on reddit, before catching myself and focusing on the stuff that actually matters to me. Went to work, and spent the rest of the day there.

I talked to my friend, he told me not to be so hard on myself, he's right. I wish I had gone with him to community right after high school, when we both had to figure this shit out, instead of me getting sick of school and fucking around. 

Spent the rest of the day at work. Gonna be busy working all day tomorrow, but I'll try and get my journal done.

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Day 44,

Worked all day. One of my jobs is super easy and I get to draw half the time. Came home, ate and did something that I really can't remember what I did. Went to my other job for the remainder of the day. Got back a little while ago, had a showerbeer, and know I'm eating. 

There's this feeling of complacency that I get around some of my co-workers, and it scares me. They seem fine with their current existence, without really striving for anything. I fear it. That look of just going day to day, caring about the inane drama, that in the end means nothing. nothing. It seems so sad and depressing to me, like the time I wasted playing games, instead of growing as a person.

Life is a struggle, and what you put in, what you suffer for goals, builds you. defines you. shapes you. We will all regret the things we didn't do in life, rather than the things we tried and failed to do. I've already made that mistake. I will never fall into a sense of complacency and stagnate again. 

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Day 45,

Worked in the morning, got back and drove around for a bit just for fun. Wasn't going anywhere in particular, and went around the area for a little bit. It's weird seeing some of the places again. Places that I might have vague memories of. I never got lost, and I knew where I was, even though I might not really remember all the streets. Got back, did some minor stuff.

Halfway through the detox, but it doesn't really feel like that tbh. I feel like it's the beginning of a lifelong change for me, not a just 90-day thing.

On a serious note, I'm feeling small urges to drink and smoke weed. I don't touch the substances too much, but the thought to have the has popped into my mind a few times recently. Nothing I can't resist, but they are there. 

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Day 46,

I keep myself occupied. Nothing super interesting happened today. Talked to my therapist, went to the library to draw. Had class, then came home about an hour ago.

I am having a couple issues with priorities. I find myself really focused on my digital art, that I sometimes procrastinate my actual homework. I could honestly handle taking another class this semester, even though it's too late to sign up for another. 

Funny, I feel like that hopeful 18 year old kid again. With that same hopeful feeling of being able to leave home go to college, and feeling of being free of all my problems. I always knew I played too much, and I was planning on leaving my desktop behind. Start the slate clean, and drink and fuck for a bit before having to take on responsibility. 

But this time it's different. I actually fixed my problems, and I know what I want from life. There's a flame growing, and a burning desire to chase what really matters to me. The things I used to think impossible, are more than possible. I have a goal list on my wall, and I've already begun to mark things down for it. 

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Day 47,

Honestly slightly annoyed right now. Normal day was supposed to meet a girl later on, but she didn't show up. Waited around for half and hour before leaving. Debated and brooded over what to do next. And honestly, the best solution is nothing. I'm not going to send an angry message to her, I'm not going to ignore her, I'm just going to relax about it. Part of me is slightly mad, that she didn't message me telling me that she couldn't make it. This kind of shit has happened to me once before, and I think doing nothing is the best way of dealing with it. She might have a legitimate reason for not being able to come today. In the back of my mind, it was always a possibility that I knew might happen. I know that I feel really frustrated right now, and I'm not going to do anything stupid because of my emotions. This stinging feeling will pass in time. 

Needed to vent a bit, otherwise, it was just a normal day for me.

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Day 48,

Kinda realize how stupid I've been acting lately. I ended driving around after that last post yesterday and ended up lost. Got home with my phone, I ended up just driving around for two hours to calm myself down. I sent her a message, she said she had an emergency. I took it at face value and went to bed. Ran into her today, and just told her to message me whenever she's free. I've been obsessing over this, and I am painfully aware that I am. That's just how my personality is, it's why I got hooked on video games, not drugs, or alcohol. I've been acting loopy a bit today, just thinking about how I am getting a bit too attached to her, and how I'm thinking too much about her, and that I shouldn't be getting this emotional over her. To get all that shit out of my system, I went to the weight room and exercised a bit. Got back in my car, and drove home. I ended up sitting in the driveway for two hours, just thinking about everything. 

A thought entered my head, and I felt stupid. I thought of grandpa, who at my age was in world war 2. He smuggled a jew out of the country. He risked his life, in a time of conflict and peril. Where famine and war were common, where his country was ravaged. Those were real problems, and here I am upset that a girl stood me up the night prior. How fucking and stupid my feelings and struggles are.

And then the thought of my life, and my compliance too it. An urge for something more popped up. Something like being a doctor in a war zone. There's something about being near death, that really makes you appreciate being alive.

Another thought, about how pointless life is has come up again. I felt this feeling before when I was 15. Why should I try? What's the point of everything? I am being guided through life, but for what means? 

In reality, I am free to choose my own path. I can strive to achieve anything I want. But there is no higher power, no divine rule, no world savior quest to perform. 

In a sense, the freedom of life leaves with a feeling of emptiness. A sense that the same freedom, that unshackles our lives from the toils of survival, also bring with them a sense of emptiness. I would willingly take all the burdens of the world if it provided me with a sense of purpose and desire. 

But these revelations, and desires leave me feeling a bit empty. Like a pixel in a tv, like a grain of sand on the beach, like a needle in a haystack.

Is that the feeling of emptiness that we all feel inside? The sense that life doesn't really some great purpose or destiny for us? A sense that our lives are just plain insignificant. I sound like a fucking nihilist.

I should accept this, there is no escape from it. I've spent the last couple years living with this feeling. I gave up because I didn't see any purpose in life. Gaming gave me a sense of purpose and identity, but it was all a myth. 

My god, I need to stop, I sound like a philosopher.

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Hey there I read you last entry and think you could benefit by J. Petersons lectures. He is a Professor at a canadian unversity and talks about Psychology, Sociology, Myths and Relgigion and connects them to the subjct of how you should live your live.

I think he has some high level thougts about it and I think that he could really speak to you. Here is an example video.

I can also recommend his book in the audioversion (12 Rules of Life: An antidote for chaos.)

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Day 50,

Decided that I need to be more outgoing in life. While I am content not playing games, and I find myself with enough to do, I feel like I could go out way more often. I also know how fucking stupid this whole thing is with that girl. I need to do other things to do, and since I have a bit of income now, I can afford to mess around. I also made an Instagram to put down my drawings. Found an event to go to tomorrow, called second Halloween. It's a Halloween party instead of a valentines one. I grabbed a costume this morning, and I, unfortunately, have to wake up early because I had to change shifts. I'm gonna be really tired tomorrow, but it's gonna be a really fun day.

Probably won't make a journal entry tomorrow, just too busy, and when I get home, I just wanna sleep.  

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On 2/8/2018 at 5:54 AM, MPieterse said:

Another thought, about how pointless life is has come up again. I felt this feeling before when I was 15. Why should I try? What's the point of everything?

Is that the feeling of emptiness that we all feel inside? The sense that life doesn't really some great purpose or destiny for us? A sense that our lives are just plain insignificant.

This revelations are at the core of J-P. Sartre’s existentialist philosophy. I struggled with this same kind of thoughts for a very long time. There’s no superior purpose or driven teleology, accepting it is a necessary step in the process of understanding the core of human condition. BUT I also came to understand that human knowledge is not infinite and interpretation paradigms can be subverted. Citing a joke from a Coen brother’s film, I suggest you to plainly “accept the mistery”. Life can be surprising at times. Also, I feel like human interaction, the very root of human condition if you believe Aristotile, gives me the purpose that reality necessarily lacks due to its “mere existance” status. Humanity can be an end to itself, but you need to reformulate your concept of “end” :) Best of luck mate

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Day 52,

Since I've quit, I have this insane drive that I have to fix every element of life. It's this obsession with getting my life back on track, and it causing me a lot of stress. A couple weeks ago I felt that I couldn't even watch a movie because it was just a waste of time. I've been devoting all my energy to try to fix every little thing wrong with my situation and it's stressful. I'm not going to stop, but at the same time, I need to have some new hobbies to vary my lifestyle up a bit. My mind has turned into a literal checklist, and it puts so much effort into trying to fix things, it becomes unhealthy obsessed to a point where I can't even relax when I don't know what to do. I've found myself just driving around, stuck in my thoughts.

I'm going to archery range tomorrow after I get done. I've also thought about looking into taking voice lessons as well.  

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8 hours ago, MPieterse said:

Day 52,

Since I've quit, I have this insane drive that I have to fix every element of life. It's this obsession with getting my life back on track, and it causing me a lot of stress. A couple weeks ago I felt that I couldn't even watch a movie because it was just a waste of time. I've been devoting all my energy to try to fix every little thing wrong with my situation and it's stressful. I'm not going to stop, but at the same time, I need to have some new hobbies to vary my lifestyle up a bit. My mind has turned into a literal checklist, and it puts so much effort into trying to fix things, it becomes unhealthy obsessed to a point where I can't even relax when I don't know what to do. I've found myself just driving around, stuck in my thoughts.

I'm going to archery range tomorrow after I get done. I've also thought about looking into taking voice lessons as well.  

I know the feeling, and it's a complicated thing, but you should adress it (I'm on it as well, and not ashamed to say that struggling heavily). Human brains work on a stimulus-reward pattern. If you become a walking checklist, you're effectively losing the ability to enjoy things, and enjoyment is the reward that triggers the habit building process. It's essential you are having fun so your brain wants to keep doing the stuff. In the past, video games did this for you, the enjoyment was passive, they were just engineered to stimulate your neurons. Now you have to embrace "active enjoyment" of sorts. Being mindful and present that it's not just because you need to get this or that done but you also actually want (consciously decide to do). We were taught that work and fun were mutually exclusive concepts. Fuck that. "Work" can be "fun" if you let it. Everything you do is an experience, menial or superficially dull as it may look at first. Seek enjoyment in all things man.

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Day 53,

I actually have a lot of work I need to finish, and some important tests coming up. I've been slightly neglecting my schoolwork as while I do not hate it, I personally have things I want to do that seem more important for me right now. Next two weeks are going to be rather busy for me, and I have to finish all the work I have to do even though this is a fairly easy semester. The archery range is closed today, probably should have looked beforehand, but my phone has been having issues.

I've started to notice that my self-esteem has been pretty low for awhile. I don't think highly of myself, and I've always been really hard on myself. I am better than I think, I know that now. 

@Hitaru I know what you mean, the hobbies that currently take up of my time are things I find interesting and enjoyable. But part of the problem is that I have expectations of myself to be better at them. It's just the feeling of making up for lost time I guess. Things are a bit calmer for me right now, but there's still a weight on my shoulders to improve.

 

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Day 54,

Went through my day. Busy as I've got midterms this week. But I can do it, might lose some sleep, but I can do this.

I've also found myself a bit tired lately. I've been getting enough sleep (8-9) hours, but I still feel as tired a lot. Not sure if I'm not eating enough in the morning, or if it's all the stress I've been putting on myself. I don't even have a day off anymore, I just have hours free in the day.

Gonna go to the archery range tomorrow, as it's actually open, and I have the time. I need to do something different right now.

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Day 55,

Tired. Got back from the archery range, and I shot the heaviest bow, just because I wanted to push myself. I'm really tired right now, trying to get all the stress out of my mind. Still a bit of work to-do, but I'm almost done. Trying to get things off my mind. 

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Day 56,

Midterms could have done better but they're done. Also went to blood drive today, and dressed up in a vampire cloak just for kicks. I am both mentally and physically tired today, but I have a day off on Monday. I'm trying to see if my friends off so we can hang out. Saturday I'm working for around 11 hours.

Man, it's fucking tough trying to grow up and be an adult.  

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Day 57,

Busy with stuff. I'll live. I have a lot of things to do now, it's hard to find a bit of time off. Trying to make some long terms plans. Making a list of places I want to travel too. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

I'm not content with everything going on right now. I want to read more, I want to draw more, and I want to get more exercise. But I only have so many hours in the day, and I need to vary my activities so I don't go insane. 

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Day 58,

Worked 10.5 hours today. I'm tired. Had to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day.

It's funny walking through the aisle, free to choose whatever I want, but at the same time, I see all these unhealthy foods that will only give me momentary pleasure, before I feel like shit for eating them. I want to try to eat healthier, but at the same time, I don't want to spend my time cooking. Not because I can't, I've actually worked in a kitchen before, but there are other things I want to do.

I've also been stress eating a lot lately, I feel like I should be exercising more. I'll survive somehow.

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