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MPieterse

90 days to move on in my life

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Day 19

Funny, when I tried to quit before this was the farthest I got, before feeling unsatiable urges to game again. I don't feel the desire that badly anymore. Maybe it's because I'm busy all day. Maybe because I'm happier now. Probably both. Looking back to gaming the allure is still there if I think about it hard enough, but I usually can snap my head out of it. My thoughts are wandering about other things now, rather than only thinking about games. 

As far as my day went, I got to campus early, finished a bit of work. Apparently, I was an hour early to my first class so I walked around for a bit then meditated until the class started. It's creative writing and it seems like a really fun class. I then had a break before stats. Afterwards ate the food I packed and spent some time with the digital art piece that I'm working on. It's a just ahead, and I'll post it here once it's done. Then had drawing class, and had to lug around a giant box full of supplies that we had to get. Spent the class drawing with charcoal for the first time, and it was interesting to experience since I never drew with charcoal before. Had to lug a giant clipboard around, from the bus home which was kinda annoying but manageable. 

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Day, 19+20

Just been busy lately and forgot about the journal. I dunno what else to say. My classes are okay, but I don't feel super drawn to any of them. My brain is a bit of a mess right now.

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Day 21,

I've been feeling kinda crap the past two days. I haven't really fulfilled my social needs in the past two days. I've been focusing on school, but I don't really have people to talk to there. It's better this semester since I know a few people that are in some of my classes but it is more just in the nod in the hallway. I think I mentioned a girl in one of my previous posts who I asked out on FB, she didn't respond, and I know better than to send anything further. We see each other sometimes, and we've talked when we had the chance. She seems really comfortable around me, and I like it, but it also weirds me out a bit. 

I haven't stated this in my previous posts, but I have trust issues. I am not entirely sure where I got it from. My theory is that it just comes from me constantly moving around in my childhood, and having to rely on myself. Maybe it's spending so much time online, and having to deal with ads, spam, and bots. I always pin down people's motivations even when I know their intentions aren't selfish or intentional. So when someone seems comfortable around me that I don't know too well, I feel a little off by it. Even when the therapist called e "strong" on Monday, I felt a little suspicious that she was just saying that because it was her job. I'm trying to get over it, but I don't really know how.

So today, it was okay. I'm alive.

 

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Day 22,

Messed up my day plan today. Ment to wake up early, go to campus (they close early today) and rent a textbook that I have to read for one of my classes. Instead, I woke up late and spent the next several hours, figuring out how bitcoin mining works. I dunno why I did, it was just something I was vaguely interested in. I spent the whole morning (I did, however, wake up late) messing around with my old gaming rig, to see if I could turn it into a bitcoin mining machine since I don't really have a use for it anymore. I set it up, but it took until about two-thirty, and the amount of money I make from it is fairly minimal. But it was interesting to learn about crypto-currency and how it works. However, I felt that I wouldn't have sufficient time to finish reading the textbook (you can only rent it out for 2 hours for free), so I stayed home. Felt shit about it really, I spent the first half of the day by myself. Eventually, I decided to get off my ass and fill out some more job resumes, so I have something to do over the weekend. 

I'm finishing this early today because I kinda want to get done with it.    

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Day 23,

I don't really remember what I did today. I think I'm slipping up my good habits a bit. I'm trying to find a new book to read, but I also haven't really exercised in the past two days. I've done a bit of my homework, but I haven't completed all of it. I remember reading somewhere to write down all the things you have to do tomorrow right before you go to bed, which I think I'm going to need to do. I just feel weird right now.  

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Day 24,

Spent the whole day on my computer, doing somewhat productive things. I finished my poem for creative writing. Spent time on Reddit, and drawing. Ran a little bit. Finished the audiobook "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" really good book. It talked about learning to stop caring about every little thing. How in life the really real enjoyment in life is the grind. How to set goals and just try every day. How to not give a fuck, so you might as well try. It spoke to me and my perfectionist attitude. How I find myself feeling like I have to be perfect and everything has to be perfect. Really enjoyed the book, not just the message, but also the writing style. Filled out another job application. Think I also broke my gaming rig, mining bitcoin, gonna miss those four bucks I earned, but I don't really care.

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Day 25,

Did stuff? Day went by in a flash. Got a job as a receptionist at a local barbershop every other Saturday, and got a job interview afterward. Went on to get some stuff from a local store, then finished my art homework, did the laundry, then took a shower. 

Man life feels kinda weird right now, I haven't touched games at all in 25 days, and I barely think about them now. I have conversations with myself too in my mind. I dunno, the whole thing is strange.   

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12 hours ago, MPieterse said:

Day 25,

Did stuff? Day went by in a flash. Got a job as a receptionist at a local barbershop every other Saturday, and got a job interview afterward. Went on to get some stuff from a local store, then finished my art homework, did the laundry, then took a shower. 

Man life feels kinda weird right now, I haven't touched games at all in 25 days, and I barely think about them now. I have conversations with myself too in my mind. I dunno, the whole thing is strange.   

Congrats on the new job. Being busier and making more money always helps your recovery. Keep it up.

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Day 26,

I started riding my bike to campus, instead of the bus. It's in the realm of could possibly be faster or a half hour slower, depending on when the bus arrives. It, unfortunately, means I can't read on the bus, and my progress in the latest book I started reading has been dismal. I have classes all day until 9 starting at 10:30. Got to campus a bit early, so I could grab some coffee and meditate before my first class began. Went through my day, as usual, I have to write a sonnet in tomorrow, which is as terrible as it sounds. Rest of the day went fairly well.

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Day 27,

Fast day for me. Slept in because I could, went to campus for the two classes I have today. Finished my work, came home. Decided to make tacos, I haven't really been eating a lot, so I kinda had a feast tonight. Feel really stuffed right now with a good food. I've been spending a bit too much time on Reddit lately, and I need to cut down on the amount of time I spend on the website. That's basically it. 

I need to get more organized with all my work, I've never been one for organization, but it would definitely help me get everything on track.

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On 1/17/2018 at 11:59 PM, MPieterse said:

You're almost at amonth! :D That's awesome!! You should be pretty proud of yourself. Btw, I'm new to your journal so I just skimmed the first and second page and noticed you talking about art, do you do it as a hobby, like drawing/painting or are you also studying it?

 

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Day 28,29,30

It's been 2 days since I last posted, honestly just go lazy Thursday, and some error pop up yesterday. Trying to be consistent about this but I've been messing around in the past couple days. Thursday was a blur and Friday I woke up with another anxiety attack, watched a stream and didn't really want to get out of bed until later. I fucked up, I've been doing my best to avoid them since I quit and focus on other things instead, but I do find myself seeing something that reminds of games, and it sparks a bit of curiosity. I think I mentioned a girl a couple posts ago. We talked earlier this week, and she said that we should get lunch sometime. I didn't want to seem overeager, so I said "sure I'll let you know" and I'm doing my best not get too attached, and come out as desperate. I know getting in a relationship won't magically solve my problems, and that I shouldn't be clingy. 

Today I started as the receptionist at the barber shop for the first time. It was a slow day which was nice, as I had time to learn the ropes. It's a really low key job so I have some downtime, to doodle and read. It's only every other Saturday, so I have some more interviews later. Not looking to overload myself with work, but look for a distraction over the weekends. All my friends IRL, have moved away and are doing other things with their lives, so it's kinda tough for me right now. Most people at community are only really there for class, so it's tough to make close friends. 

It's funny last week I listened to the subtle art of not giving a fuck, and a guide to unfuck yourself and it came across with a point that I had known my whole life but stopped understanding as I got older, until now. All I ever wanted in life was a girl that loves me, and to make something that I am proud of. I've always known that since I was a kid, but all the pressures around me made me think, I that I had to get a high paying job, cure cancer, and live in a mansion on the hill. I don't want any of those things, and I never have. I just thought I wanted that because of all the outside influences in my life.

In short, I'm alive, and not much is happening right now.

@BigOlBearticI used to do it a lot as a kid, until around the start of high school. I've picked up a pencil in the last couple months, and I really enjoy it. I am moving on to digital art, and I am currently trying to learn illustration, and it's definitely hard since all I did before was line art. I know for sure that I'm going in the creative field and that I am going to write a comic someday.

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Guest

That's great! I used to be a hobbyist thinking about going for it as a career. I eventually chose to pursue CompSci, but hearing about your art hobby really makes me want to start mine back up again. I think I will start it again tomorrow :]

Congratulations for starting a new job! I feel like that's a huge step in the right direction. Also, its totally true its hard to make friends at a community college, I found its best in my free time to work/study/ then spend the rest of my time on a hobby or volunteering. I was in a community college last summer. Also true about outside pressures. What I think about success: 1) You dont have to earn a lot of money, just make sure that you are well off and can support yourself. 2) Support yourself doing what you enjoy the most, if possible. 3)Its good to have something that gives you a sense of fulfillment too, as from reading other's posts I've found that becomes a big thing psychologically as you get older.

Edited by Guest

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Day 31,

One month since I last played, and while it hasn't been easy some days, something long dormant within me sparked. For the first time, I am taking control in my life, instead of wasting my time with escapism habits. I still have a long way to go, but this is the first crack of dawn after years of pitch black night. Taking a look at myself, and finally taking a hard look at myself, and for the first time understanding, myself has been my greatest achievement.

I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if I hadn't have fucked up as badly as I did. Would I chase money, stuff, sex, comfort, thinking that those things alone would make me happy? Or would I grow up and realize what I wanted all along was so much simpler. Or would I just drop out and turn to booze to solve my problems? I don't quite know what would happen. Maybe fucking up, and making bad decisions is all apart of growing up. 

Had a job interview at a bakery this morning, had to pass an alcohol service test for my new job (it's just a course online, that you can't really fail). Then proceeded to draw a bit. Had to find my food handlers card, and ended up cleaning out a couple shelves. Ended up finding a bunch of old schoolwork from when I was a kid. It's funny, looking back, how much potential I had as a kid, and how happy I was at one point in my life. Then I changed schools for the third time, and something inside me broke, something that I've never been able to repair. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just youthful bliss, maybe it's when I felt accepted and a part of something, or maybe I was just happy. Since then I felt that I was just being thrown around by the world, without any real sense of control. 

What the fuck happened to me? Was it just puberty? Was the sense of feeling like an outcast wherever I went? Was it years of sadness that took over my life? Was it the bullying I received at the next school I went too? Was it me losing the trust of my parents and every adult around me? Was it being around friends for a few years then moving apart? Was it because nobody really talked to me?

I squandered it all when I turned 15. I was already pushed to my limits by my family, and I felt that I had to conform to something that I did not even enjoy. I was so sick of it, every god damn second, every tick of the clock, every piece of sand falling through the hourglass. Why the fuck would I care about my future, if every second of my life was a thousand tragedies all happening at once. I already suffered from shyness and social anxiety. My friends were more acquaintances that I just hung out with, not because we weren't close, but that I did not try to be. I felt pressured in school to perform things that I did not enjoy. So I stopped caring and started gaming. From dawn to dusk, from time to thoughts. It eased the pain, pulled my thoughts away from self-harm. It allowed me to escape reality, and I enjoyed it. I was dead inside, a zombie wearing humans hide. Part of me for years had died. I even thought about suicide. I continued to live a lie. Soon fate will decide.

I just went on a fucking tangent, my bad.

So the rest of my day went uh... all right?  

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I always enjoy these long, pensive posts. Whether it's just considering a few simple questions that have been nibbling at you, or whether it's something that's bugged you for a long time, there's always help to be found in just writing it down. At least, that's what I find. My journal in real life and my journal on this forum have both been where some of my greatest revelations about myself lie. I think we all know what we truly want, but you have to know that you want it enough to find it. That's one of my own philosophies.

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Day 32,

Had to wake up early, I had a therapy session today. Accidently set my alarm clock for pm instead of am, but still got up a little later. The offices were closed a bit later than usual, so I talked with my therapist for a little bit until the offices opened. She's basically doing an internship as apart of her training, so I'm technically not talking to a liscensed therapist. Read while I waited, before the session. She actually said in the session that in the conversation that we had before that I seemed genuine, and that I was a good conversationalist. It's the first time someone has told me that, so that means that I'm getting better with people. I still have problems in group conversations where the topic is something unfamiliar, but its good to know that I'm getting better. 

The rest of the day I mostly focused on the work in front of me. When I got home I was playing music on youtube, when I saw a gaming related video appear that I kinda wanted to watch. I watched it for a couple minutes, before realizing how pointless it seemed. Some part of me is still attracted to that, another part of me is absolutely revolted by it. I want to get up early tomorrow as well, so I'm writing this a bit early today. No venting about stuff today.

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I fall apart in group situations, so at least you're better than that lol. I can carry a conversation on a one on one conversation, and even be pretty good in that context. But if in a group, i get kind of lost and wither away.. uhh yea I've got to somehow get better than that. Hopefully the public speakign class im taking this semester will help

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Day 33,

I'm writing this really early today, as I have been fairly busy all day. I've found myself incessantly planning and trying to finish all work ahead of time. The exact opposite of what I used to do. I just want to relax sometimes, but I feel obligated to try to do as much as I can. I dunno if this is good. My thoughts are all about plans and schedules trying to fit everything in. Sometimes I feel as though it's all a bit artificial.

Anyways, the days not quite over yet, and I feel like sitting back right now. 

@BigOlBeartic That's something I feel that almost everyone has a problem with. It's hard for me when the topics are about something I know very little about. I took a public speaking class, that I have to retake, and in my experience, that class is all about being the center of attention. That's good if you have to be the center of attention, but useless if you want to just be a better conversationalist.  

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That's definitely true. But I think doing good in this class will make me more confident in group situations.. and what you said about scheduling is definitely true. Actually especially if you spend too much time thinking/making schedules. Even when I spend a bit too much time on these forums it feels like that, b/c its easy to get too distracted reading everybody's stories at once. minimizing schedule time helped me lol.. so on my schedule i put minimize schedule time xD

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Just remember to take rest and not overweight yourself with your schedules. It's not a bad thing to do as much as you can, just be aware if it's not becoming more than you can do.
Good to have you here!

Greetings, Piotr.

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Day, 34

Gonna make a legit attempt to go to bed as early as possible today. I remember my creative writing teacher talk about how you can be insanely productive in the morning. I want to try and wake up at 3-4 in the morning and work on studying for tomorrows test and quiz.

 

I slept in today and had a hard time getting out of bed. I wasn't late or anything, but it did make me feel kinda shitty that I lost two hours. It's not like I'm getting no sleep either, but I feel like I just want more time in each day to do things. (I usually get around 7 hours, but I slept in two hours later).

Nothing else really interesting happened today.

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Day 35,

All my immediate work is done, had two test today. Failed one, aced the other. It is going to be a fairly easy weekend and for the first time in the week, I won't have many assignments to complete. Life feels like life going a bit slower lately. I don't spend as much time freaking out over things. Maybe because I am a bit calmer right now. I feel different than how I used to feel. Passion and love have re-entered my life, and I no longer feel like a zombie just existing from day to day. That doesn't mean that things are going flawlessly, or that I am finished growing as a person. I'm not.  But it is a promising start, to hopefully something that will grow over the next years of my life. Things won't be easy, and I don't expect them to be, but I am hopeful and ready for the first time to embrace the future with open arms.

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Day 36,

The first day at the bakery, but it's just gonna be job training for this week. My bosses and managers seem nice, and the atmosphere of the place is really nice. Spen the rest of the day working on an illustration. I have one piece of homework that I need to do this week, and tbh I am procrastinating it a bit. I also need to practice my dance routine for my dance class, and I will do it later today. 

I've been researching men's fashion over the break, and I've redone a lot of my old wardrobe since. I haven't been spending a fortune on clothes but the change has helped my confidence a bit. 

I also have been spending the last hour reading this forum and the subreddit, reading stories of so many people with stories similar to mine. I'm crying a lot about it today. Nobody deserves to have their life consumed by a thirst for something. Having everything in the lives fall apart for whatever reason. Nobody deserves the feeling of just getting by day to day stuck in an endless sea of confusion and denial. But that's life uncaring, unuturing, unrelenting. I thought I was alone in this for so fucking long. I knew I had a problem for years, but I did nothing about it, but binge even more. 

I was reading the top reddit pages sometime this week, and there was some article about some kid who binged eleven days straight and his mom was freaking out, with a meme on the bottom saying that you gotta push those numbers up. I think it had like 35.7k upvotes or something. I only glimpsed at it but it felt disgusting to me, like giving an addict more substances, and telling them to binge even more, that will fix your problems.

I actually like the feeling of crying. I numbed my emotions for so long, it feels amazing to finally feel something again. Negative emotions aren't bad, there calls for positive change in our lives. We're given so many things to avoid the skeletons in the closet. But opening the door, you find that the dread of what's inside is worse than what actually is hidden behind that closed door. 

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Day 37,

Busy day, I work in the mornings. Afterwards dropped off all my old books at a place that buys old books then resells them. Found some really cool books and bought them. In the end, I spent more money then I earned reselling those books, but I really don't care. Spent the rest of my time working on an illustration I am doing. That's it for me today.

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